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Have I Got News for You (1990) Season 70 Episode 9- Hannah Fry, Richard Coles, Finlay Christie
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00:00LAUGHTER
00:02Richard and I go back a long way. We were in the Communards together.
00:05LAUGHTER
00:07APPLAUSE
00:12Still a bastard.
00:14LAUGHTER
00:18APPLAUSE
00:48Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:58I am Professor Hannah Fry.
01:00In the news this week, after several sherrys too many
01:03in Yates' wine lodge, Liz Truss tries to attack the landlord
01:07for telling her she's barred.
01:14In Teddington, security camera footage finally reveals
01:17the identity of a creepy peeping Tom.
01:34And in Cambridge, Wales, there is a delicious sense of irony
01:37as the head of South East Water has to empty his block drains himself.
01:42LAUGHTER
01:43APPLAUSE
01:49On Ian's team tonight is a comedian who found fame
01:52by making shorts on YouTube.
01:54To be clear, that is comedy films, not a sewing channel.
01:57Please welcome Sydney Christie.
01:59APPLAUSE
02:01APPLAUSE
02:03On Paul's team tonight is a writer, retired vicar and former pop star
02:08who says he now sticks his money in ices rather than up his nose.
02:12LAUGHTER
02:13The way things are going there, Richard, up your nose sounds far safer.
02:16Please welcome Reverend Richard Coles.
02:18APPLAUSE
02:23We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:26Ian and Finlay, here's yours.
02:28Hmm, new kind of AI.
02:31LAUGHTER
02:34That's Pinocchio.
02:35Yeah.
02:36And that's someone who does not lie.
02:38LAUGHTER
02:39And this is the Prime Minister.
02:40It is.
02:41Is that the level that this quiz has reached?
02:42We are now asked to identify who the Prime Minister is?
02:45LAUGHTER
02:47Is this the fallout from the budget?
02:48It is the fallout from the budget, absolutely.
02:50Well, yes, the Chancellor's been accused of lying.
02:53Yes.
02:54Suggesting that things were worse with the economy than she said
02:59and that gave her the chance to raise taxes and spend more money.
03:03She thought, yeah, the black hole was not as big as she thought,
03:06but to be fair, black holes are normally massive.
03:10LAUGHTER
03:11Absolutely right.
03:12The final OBR report on the 31st October told Reeves
03:14that she was on course for a surplus of 4.2 billion,
03:17but four days later she went on TV to tell us we're all doomed.
03:21Yes.
03:22And the extra money comes from the fact
03:24that she's given such large wage settlements to people,
03:27they have to pay taxes,
03:28so she's got more money than she thought she might have,
03:31which she didn't notice.
03:33So I think the answer is put everybody's wages up endlessly.
03:36LAUGHTER
03:38I'm not an economist!
03:40APPLAUSE
03:44You see, populism is incredibly easy.
03:47LAUGHTER
03:48So the economy's maybe not as bad as we thought,
03:50but what message of hope did the government have
03:53for young people this week?
03:55I didn't hear it.
03:56LAUGHTER
03:58I'm surprised you missed this, actually, Finlay,
04:00because Cabinet Office Minister Josh Simmonds
04:02said this week that the economic outlook for the under-50s
04:05is frankly shit.
04:07LAUGHTER
04:09Apparently, I am going to be richer on a state pension at 106
04:16than you will be in your biggest earning year at 45,
04:20because you'll have to pay back so much interest on your student loan,
04:23if you had one.
04:24OK.
04:25What are you getting paid for this show?
04:26LAUGHTER
04:28Well, I mean, vicars have paid an absolute fortune, exactly.
04:32LAUGHTER
04:33I mean, it's just loaded, all those years working for the C of E.
04:35Yeah, I know.
04:36Ah!
04:37LAUGHTER
04:38How easy is it to be a vicar?
04:39LAUGHTER
04:40If you look around at the bench of bishops,
04:42you'll see it's a very low bar indeed.
04:45LAUGHTER
04:46I'm down. Listen, I'm...
04:48Fuck this.
04:49LAUGHTER
04:50You've already got the lingo.
04:51LAUGHTER
04:52APPLAUSE
05:01I think that the best response to the Budget actually came
05:03from Suffolk Police and Crime Commissioner Tim Passmore.
05:07Oh, yeah.
05:08You know him?
05:09No.
05:10Oh.
05:11He's this guy.
05:12I've just been listening to The Budget and Rachel Reeves coming in
05:15and I'm getting fed up with more and more taxes on everything
05:18that is done.
05:19I think the tourist idea...
05:21The idea of a tourist tax is complete nonsense.
05:23We've got to control welfare spending
05:25and stop putting extra taxes up.
05:27LAUGHTER
05:28He's a police commissioner.
05:29And a swinger, obviously.
05:30LAUGHTER
05:31APPLAUSE
05:32See where the word up is placed?
05:33LAUGHTER
05:34It's code.
05:36Quite easy to crack.
05:38LAUGHTER
05:39APPLAUSE
05:40LAUGHTER
05:41See where the word up is placed?
05:43LAUGHTER
05:44LAUGHTER
05:45It's code.
05:46Quite easy to crack.
05:48Police commissioners are being scrapped, aren't they?
05:51Yeah.
05:52Because they've been decided they're a waste of money.
05:54LAUGHTER
05:56And there he is proving his work.
05:58Indeed.
05:59Out from the swings.
06:01Looking after our kids.
06:02LAUGHTER
06:03LAUGHTER
06:05You made that joke up yourself.
06:08LAUGHTER
06:09Your fault.
06:10Which Labour MP got in trouble this week?
06:13George Williams.
06:14No.
06:15No.
06:16I bet it sounded like it was a Labour MP though, didn't it?
06:18Yeah.
06:19Almost had me.
06:20Is this Tulip Sadiq?
06:21It is Tulip Sadiq.
06:22Oh, yeah.
06:23She's in trouble because she was found guilty of corruption in Bangladesh
06:26and sentenced to two years in jail.
06:29Here is Tulip Sadiq with her aunt and an awkward plus one.
06:32LAUGHTER
06:34David Lammy.
06:35Did he have any big news this week?
06:37Scrapping juries.
06:38Oh, yeah.
06:39Justice.
06:40There's a huge backlog in trials.
06:41Some people who have been charged now won't be tried for another five years.
06:45Absolutely.
06:46There's also another 12 prisoners that have been...
06:49Yes.
06:50Accidentally released.
06:51Mm, the last three weeks.
06:52So clumsy.
06:53Two of them, by the way, still at large, but he could halve that number
06:58if he just accepted that Bangladeshi extradition request.
07:01LAUGHTER
07:04But there's been a certain amount of debate about whether scrapping
07:07juries is a good idea because then it's just a judge.
07:11That's better though, surely?
07:13Not in my experience.
07:14Really?
07:15LAUGHTER
07:18I'm quite keen on juries.
07:22LAUGHTER
07:23They're just not keen on you, are they?
07:25No.
07:26Shame.
07:27Shame.
07:28I feel like there's no other job where, like, your job can be done
07:30by just 12 random people.
07:32We're going for surgery and then we've got a primary school teacher...
07:37LAUGHTER
07:38..and a bin man.
07:39We can only just bring them up to speed on how to do it.
07:41LAUGHTER
07:42You really don't know much about the bishops of the Church of England,
07:44do you?
07:45LAUGHTER
07:47Finally, what did Scottish Labour councillor Hanif Rajah try to get
07:51away with doing on a work Zoom call recently?
07:54He had nothing from the waist down.
07:56And Yodel came to the door and the rest is history.
07:58Yeah.
07:59LAUGHTER
08:00That doesn't happen, obviously.
08:02LAUGHTER
08:05Do you want to see the clip?
08:06No, go on.
08:07Go on in.
08:08Can you see the slide OK and hear me?
08:09Yes, thanks.
08:10Perfect.
08:11LAUGHTER
08:12So, this implication relates to the...
08:16Before we start, Bailey Raja, are you aware that your camera is live?
08:21LAUGHTER
08:23LAUGHTER
08:27LAUGHTER
08:29Thing is, now the councillor, we're shouting at him,
08:31log out, log out.
08:32And he's like, that's what I'm trying to do!
08:34LAUGHTER
08:40This is the news that, whether we are talking about OBR reports
08:43or prisoners, the government can't stop things being released too early.
08:47According to one poll on the Chancellor of the Exchequer,
08:50two-thirds of the public think Rachel Reeves should resign,
08:53to which a concerned Reeves remarked,
08:55blimey, that is nearly 50%.
08:57LAUGHTER
08:58LAUGHTER
08:59LAUGHTER
09:01One of those calling for Reeves' resignation
09:04was former Bank of England economist Andrew Sentence,
09:07although the full reasons why she should quit
09:09were laid out by his colleague Chris Paragra.
09:12LAUGHTER
09:13Defending her attacks on Rachel Reeves,
09:16Tory leader Kemi Badenoch said it wasn't her job
09:19to provide emotional support,
09:21something she regularly reminds her children.
09:24LAUGHTER
09:27Also this week, a Labour politician was seen sitting
09:30on the toilet after leaving his camera on during a meeting.
09:33Hanif Rajar is a councillor for Pollock Shields.
09:36Given the angle of that camera,
09:38he could have done with a pair of those.
09:40LAUGHTER
09:42APPLAUSE
09:44OK.
09:46Paul and Richard, here's yours.
09:48OK, there's Jeremy Corbyn, they're launching a new party.
09:52And there's the choices of names, Popular Alliance, Your Party,
09:55and this is...
09:57Which one of them is clapping in time? You can't really tell.
09:59LAUGHTER
10:01It's been quite chaotic, the launch of Your Party,
10:03which the name have settled on.
10:05They don't have one individual leader.
10:06There's a committee of people, isn't there,
10:08that's leading the party at the moment.
10:09Absolutely right.
10:10This is the newly formed Hard Left Party, Your Party,
10:13originally set up by Labour rebels,
10:15Jeremy Corbyn and Zahra Sultana.
10:18Now, of course, the Hard Left, they hate being made fun of.
10:21So let's begin...
10:22Yeah.
10:23..with a montage of the best bits of the conference.
10:26Fine.
10:27For the many, we must organise.
10:33Consider about it.
10:35Talked a lot about the toxic politics of the Labour Party,
10:38but I tell you, there's some toxic politics...
10:40We are going to have to turn the mic off.
10:43LAUGHTER
10:44Please speak to the option.
10:46I am speaking to the option.
10:48Please speak to the option.
10:49I'm addressing people's concerns.
10:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
10:55No booing conference.
10:57If you behave badly and are unkind,
11:01there will be consequences.
11:03LAUGHTER
11:04Oh, conference.
11:06Dear, dear, dear.
11:08LAUGHTER
11:11Dear.
11:12Those were the highlights.
11:13LAUGHTER
11:14What is the party called, officially?
11:16Your party.
11:17Yeah.
11:18Absolutely.
11:19And I'll cry if I want to.
11:20LAUGHTER
11:21It's such a bad name, isn't it?
11:23The worst kind of party is one that you're having.
11:26LAUGHTER
11:27Nobody wants...
11:28Oh, there's a party.
11:29Oh, where?
11:30Yours.
11:31Ah.
11:32It should be called someone else's party.
11:34Yeah.
11:35Calling it your party when the two leaders both think it's my party.
11:38LAUGHTER
11:39It's not good.
11:40But they had a vote and they've decided that neither of the two people
11:43who set up the party should sit on the committee that runs the party.
11:47The new party organisers, they didn't want to disintegrate into
11:50warring factions so soon.
11:52No.
11:53Oh, really?
11:54So they decided to reject anyone who they thought was a member
11:56of another party.
11:57So, the Socialist Workers Party...
11:59Yeah.
12:00The People's Front of Judea...
12:01LAUGHTER
12:02Although...
12:03Although I think they were not welcome for other reasons.
12:06Yes.
12:07..you know?
12:08What are your party's members vulnerable to?
12:11Reality.
12:12LAUGHTER
12:13Showers.
12:15Um...
12:16LAUGHTER
12:17Apparently being seduced by Zach Polanski.
12:20Oh, yeah.
12:21It's the Svengali of the Green Party.
12:23Yeah, he was meant to be here tonight.
12:25He absolutely was.
12:26And then he chicken...
12:28Sorry, tofu'd out.
12:29LAUGHTER
12:30APPLAUSE
12:36Zach actually, um...
12:38When he was supposed to be coming on, he messaged me on Instagram.
12:41He was like, great to see we're on together on Have I Got News For You.
12:44He said, um...
12:45Be nice to me and I'll be your friend.
12:48LAUGHTER
12:49God, he didn't say that to me.
12:51LAUGHTER
12:52But, yeah, I think he was scared.
12:54I think that's why I didn't come.
12:56Stay ducking me, Zach, I'm coming for you.
12:59LAUGHTER
13:01Yeah.
13:02I'm just learning to live with the fact that I'm the second choice
13:04after Zach Polanski.
13:06LAUGHTER
13:07Well, third, actually.
13:08Third, yes.
13:09Sorry.
13:10LAUGHTER
13:11Anything equal, busy again.
13:13To be honest, we tried to get sooty.
13:15Yeah.
13:16And Roman Polanski.
13:18LAUGHTER
13:19He always gets my gigs, bastard.
13:21Yeah.
13:22In other news, what has former Conservative Vice Chairman
13:25and MP for Stoke-on-Trent Jonathan Gullis done?
13:28Joined reform?
13:29Correct.
13:30How welcoming has the Reform Party been to people like Jonathan Gullis?
13:34Well, they can afford to be very welcoming now,
13:36because they've just got £9 million from that dodgy bloke
13:38who gave Boris Johnson a million quid and Boris Johnson gave him
13:42an £80 million defence contract, allegedly.
13:44Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
13:46They...
13:47Good luck with the jury.
13:49LAUGHTER
13:50APPLAUSE
13:52What has Nigel Farage done almost 2,000 times in the last 12 months?
13:59Is it that thing on the way you pay someone to say hello
14:02on the internet thing?
14:03Exactly.
14:04Cameo.
14:05Cameo.
14:06Yes.
14:07How much does he cost?
14:08He cost a hand in 2025 from it, so 2,000 times.
14:11How...
14:12What do you reckon?
14:13I could phone my agent is what I reckon.
14:15LAUGHTER
14:16Would you like to see one of his most famous ones?
14:18Yes, absolutely.
14:19Go on then.
14:20Happy birthday, Hugh Janus.
14:22I've heard you're a massive fan.
14:24APPLAUSE
14:302,000 of those in the last 12 months.
14:33Just says whatever people want him to say.
14:35And he does cameos as well.
14:36LAUGHTER
14:37APPLAUSE
14:43This week, Nigel Farage produced letters from former schoolmates
14:47defending him from allegations that his banter was malicious.
14:50On the Today programme, Richard Tice was asked about
14:53Nigel Farage's relationship with Hitler.
14:56LAUGHTER
14:57For the record, I don't think Farage has had much of a relationship
15:00with Hitler.
15:01I believe he's only read one of his books.
15:04LAUGHTER
15:05We should say Farage has denied all accusations
15:08of anti-Semitic bullying.
15:10LAUGHTER
15:13It was banter.
15:14Yeah.
15:15Surely you've seen that sort of banter.
15:17And I think if Zach Polanski had come tonight,
15:19he would have agreed.
15:20Yeah.
15:21Yeah.
15:22LAUGHTER
15:23This is the news that there is a new force on the far left.
15:27There were 2,500 delegates at the Your Party conference
15:30who had been selected via a lottery, advertised by the slogan,
15:34if you're really unlucky, it could be you.
15:37LAUGHTER
15:38And your party spokesperson said that the leadership model they
15:41wanted was not top-down but bottom-up.
15:43Hmm.
15:44But in the end, they arrived at a compromise.
15:46Tits-up.
15:47LAUGHTER
15:49APPLAUSE
15:54On to round two.
15:55Oh, yes.
15:56Back by popular demand.
15:57Yes.
15:58This is the fishing mod of news.
16:00Back by popular demand.
16:01LAUGHTER
16:02That's a straightforward Rachel Reeves.
16:04Yeah.
16:05How dare you?
16:06This has had an upgrade.
16:07We haven't seen the full special effect yet.
16:09Let's see the full special effect.
16:10Here we go.
16:11Here we go.
16:12Fishing some news, people.
16:13Fishing some news, yeah.
16:14Oh, wrong way.
16:15Here we go.
16:16Oh, hang on.
16:17It's broken.
16:18Here we go.
16:19Whoa.
16:20Yay!
16:21APPLAUSE
16:23Well, that graphic didn't match what you were doing.
16:26Aside, this is a picture of a raccoon and it broke into somewhere,
16:30a bar, I think, fell through the ceiling,
16:32drunk all the liquor in the bar and fell asleep in the bathroom,
16:35completely pissed.
16:36Pissed as a raccoon.
16:37You are absolutely right.
16:39Left a trail of destruction, broken bottles all over the place
16:42and then, er, yeah, in the bathroom they found this.
16:45LAUGHTER
16:51It's a credit for him having made it to the bathroom.
16:53I agree.
16:54Also, I think someone's left the bin out for him,
16:56just in case he wants to travel with that instead.
16:58Do you know how he was dealt with by the investigator?
17:01Picked him up in a sack, threw him over the fence.
17:03LAUGHTER
17:05Did they ring his family and say,
17:11can you go and pick him up?
17:13Apparently, according to the investigator,
17:15we safely secured our masked bandit
17:18and transported him back to the shelter to sober up before questioning.
17:21LAUGHTER
17:23On the subject of animals behaving badly...
17:25Yes.
17:26Who has got beef with Peppa Pig's dad?
17:28It's David Gandy.
17:29It is David Gandy.
17:31I don't even know who he is, but...
17:33He looked so different to his great-grandad, Mahatma.
17:36LAUGHTER
17:37I mean...
17:39APPLAUSE
17:41Yeah, he complained, he said,
17:45Peppa Pig's dad is a very poor role model.
17:48Mm, he did.
17:49For what?
17:50As a pig.
17:51Yeah.
17:52He's a fictional cartoon pig.
17:55How can he be a role model for anybody?
17:57David Gandy called Daddy Pig a useless fool.
18:00He said...
18:01He said he makes fathers look pathetic,
18:03and gives children the wrong idea about men.
18:05This is...
18:06But it's a pig!
18:07I mean, I'm sure.
18:08Fictional cartoon pig.
18:09I mean, there's a long tradition in comedy of useless and incapable of men.
18:14Yeah.
18:15Because he doesn't, like, you know, go gym and...
18:18I don't know, drink Huel.
18:20LAUGHTER
18:21He needs to be...
18:22That's what men want as role models now.
18:24It's not a kind world, is it?
18:27Erm...
18:28Listen...
18:29That's a general point.
18:30Get used to it.
18:32LAUGHTER
18:34Sunshine.
18:35LAUGHTER
18:37APPLAUSE
18:42Who is Peppa Pig's biggest fan, though?
18:44Oh, Boris Johnson.
18:45Absolutely Boris Johnson, at least he used to be.
18:47Yeah, he used to quote Peppa Pig in major economic speeches.
18:51LAUGHTER
18:52If only we had someone of that stature nowadays.
18:55LAUGHTER
18:56There's a recent Telegraph podcast, though, he sounds a bit more jaded.
19:00OK.
19:01I've got four children under five, all of it.
19:03I know.
19:04Are you all right?
19:05I know.
19:06How much Peppa Pig are you watching right now?
19:07Peppa...
19:08LAUGHTER
19:09LAUGHTER
19:10LAUGHTER
19:11LAUGHTER
19:16Four children?
19:17Yeah.
19:18LAUGHTER
19:19I used to...
19:20More like...
19:21LAUGHTER
19:27Yeah.
19:28Come on.
19:29Yeah.
19:30We're there.
19:31What did a children's TV programme inspire Wayne Rooney to do recently?
19:35I think I saw a photograph, but I can't think of what it was.
19:37On Radio 5 Live?
19:38Yes.
19:39He said that children's television had inspired him to get a vasectomy.
19:42LAUGHTER
19:45Which character in particular, do you know, inspired Rooney to get the snip?
19:49Is this Peppa Pig's uncle...
19:52..who has a vasectomy in series four?
19:54Yeah.
19:55LAUGHTER
19:56Apparently it was Mr Tumble from CBeebies.
19:58Um...
19:59LAUGHTER
20:00Now, if you are too old to know who the tubby clown is, here he is.
20:04Um, and...
20:05LAUGHTER
20:06APPLAUSE
20:07And this is Mr Tumble.
20:10There you go.
20:11LAUGHTER
20:12This is the raccoon in Virginia that smashed several bottles of booze,
20:16got drunk and passed out in the toilet.
20:18Here is the raccoon trying to sleep it off.
20:20Oh.
20:21In fact, he only woke up when he found he was being used to clean the bowl.
20:25LAUGHTER
20:28Supermodel David Gandhi says there aren't enough good examples
20:31for fathers to follow.
20:32Well, he certainly isn't one.
20:34No-one wants a dad who sits around in their pants all day.
20:36LAUGHTER
20:37It's a very funny photograph.
20:39I wonder who stole my trousers.
20:42LAUGHTER
20:47All right, fingers on buzzers.
20:48Fingers on buzzers.
20:49It's time to hook another one in.
20:51Uh...
20:52Uh...
20:53BUZZER
20:58LAUGHTER
20:59Let's say we don't know.
21:02LAUGHTER
21:03Oh, it's talks between America and Russia.
21:05Russia doesn't want to give up any of its territory that's won
21:07and Ukraine doesn't want Russia to have the territory that it's won
21:09and it's still going on.
21:10Absolutely.
21:11Do you know who turned up this week to try and sort it all out?
21:13Jared Kushner, Donald Trump's son-in-law.
21:15Mm-hm.
21:16And Steve Wyckoff as well.
21:17Yeah.
21:18Former real estate man.
21:19Mm.
21:20Yeah.
21:21Top-level diplomats.
21:22Yeah.
21:23Sent out to agree with...
21:24I mean, to...
21:26..negotiate with President Putin.
21:28And then they spent five hours locked in talks,
21:30after which Putin's foreign policy adviser,
21:33uh, Yuri Ushakov...
21:34Ushakov...
21:35Mm.
21:36Hang on, let me...
21:37LAUGHTER
21:39It doesn't matter, he'll get another one next week.
21:41LAUGHTER
21:43The foreign policy adviser told the press,
21:46peace is no closer but also no further away.
21:49Mm.
21:50But his reaction was positive.
21:52You know, they said, would you like peace in Ukraine?
21:54He said, I'd like to go to war with Europe.
21:57Mm.
21:58Mm.
21:59That's an advance.
22:00I think if Zack was here, he'd say that, uh, Trump should use nukes.
22:04LAUGHTER
22:07I think you've got his position nailed, haven't you?
22:10Yeah.
22:11LAUGHTER
22:12Does anyone know what Steve Wyckoff's nickname is?
22:14Wicky.
22:15LAUGHTER
22:16It's got to be witless, hasn't it?
22:18According to The Independent, Western intelligence regard Wyckoff
22:21as a Putin-loving liability, so they call him Dim Philby.
22:26LAUGHTER
22:28What does Donald Trump have no idea about?
22:31Anything.
22:32LAUGHTER
22:34Do you want it in alphabetical order?
22:36LAUGHTER
22:37You had an MRI scan.
22:38Oh, yes.
22:39He doesn't know which part of his body was examined.
22:41Exactly.
22:42But he said it was the best MRI that's ever been...
22:45Perfect.
22:46They said it was perfect.
22:47Let's hear it from Trump himself.
22:48Yeah.
22:49You thought it was the MRI looking at him.
22:50I have no idea.
22:51It was just an MRI.
22:52What part of the body?
22:53It wasn't the brain, because I took a cognitive test
22:56and I aced it.
22:57I got a perfect mark, which you would be incapable of doing.
23:00Goodbye, everybody.
23:01You too.
23:02LAUGHTER
23:07It's the respect for women that just shines out, isn't it?
23:10Well, I can't see how the Peppa Pig dad is a worse role model before.
23:14LAUGHTER
23:16Also this week, Melania Trump has unveiled this year's Christmas
23:19decorations at the White House.
23:20Oh, yes.
23:21The themed Christmas trees have been a tradition since the 1960s
23:24when Jackie Kennedy was inspired by the Nutcracker,
23:27or, as is better known, Lee Harvey Oswald.
23:30LAUGHTER
23:36Too soon?
23:37LAUGHTER
23:38All right, guys.
23:39Fingers on buzzers.
23:40Fingers on buzzers.
23:41Oh, yeah.
23:42Right.
23:43Here we go.
23:44Yeah.
23:45Oh!
23:46Oh!
23:47BUZZER
23:48BUZZER
23:49BUZZER
23:50BUZZER
23:52Is the fact that it's a young person significant?
23:54It is.
23:55This is the news that Gen Z do not like Christmas traditions.
23:58In particular, they are not on board with sending Christmas cards.
24:02Ooh.
24:03Is this you, Finn?
24:04Yeah.
24:05No, I'm Muslim.
24:06LAUGHTER
24:11Sending Christmas cards has become more expensive.
24:13One woman told the BBC that to send Christmas cards,
24:16she needed a mortgage.
24:17It's not the mortgage that's the problem, it's the stamp duty.
24:20Ooh!
24:21Ooh!
24:22Ooh!
24:23Don't you moan at me!
24:26In related news, what do Gen Z not like about the office?
24:29They don't like going there.
24:31Very good.
24:32Yeah.
24:33Yeah.
24:34They don't like having to speak to humans.
24:35This is, er...
24:36LAUGHTER
24:37That's everyone, is it?
24:38Born at a certain time.
24:39Everybody, I see.
24:40Do you agree, Finn?
24:41Yeah.
24:42Even when I was talking to Ian backstage, I was like,
24:44I wish this was just Chatty PT.
24:45LAUGHTER
24:46I felt the same.
24:48LAUGHTER
24:49APPLAUSE
24:54This is some research by Trinity College London that says,
24:5738% of Gen Z fear making small talk in the office.
25:00Does this count as workshop for you?
25:02Are you OK?
25:03Are you, er...
25:04I really want to get on my phone.
25:05LAUGHTER
25:07Do you like small talk?
25:09Well, yeah, I do, actually.
25:11Oh, I like the interaction thing.
25:13Also, as a vicar, it's kind of lubricant for everything.
25:16LAUGHTER
25:18LAUGHTER
25:19LAUGHTER
25:25We would have seen that one coming, shouldn't we?
25:27You're making it worse!
25:29LAUGHTER
25:31On the subject of the church, what does God like about Christmas?
25:35The tinsel.
25:36The sound of a biro on a gift aid form, I dare say.
25:40LAUGHTER
25:41That's a good answer.
25:42APPLAUSE
25:43That's a very good answer.
25:45APPLAUSE
25:46Well, according to the Dean of Salisbury, God is also a fan.
25:49Oh, yeah, and Christmas jumpers.
25:51Absolutely!
25:52LAUGHTER
25:53This is the very reverend Nicholas Papadopoulos, who writes
25:56that while Christmas jumpers are tasteless, God is tasteless too!
26:01LAUGHTER
26:02Finally, what special treat have supermarket Aldi released for Christmas?
26:07Is it their new advert?
26:08It's actually dog mince pies.
26:11To be clear...
26:12Made out of dogs!
26:14LAUGHTER
26:15That's lovely!
26:16The other way around.
26:17The other way around.
26:18Mince pies for dogs.
26:19Oh, sorry.
26:20Which is actually how they went down with their taste testers.
26:22Yeah, yeah.
26:23I mean, they literally couldn't give a shit.
26:25LAUGHTER
26:26Muslim dogs.
26:27LAUGHTER
26:29I don't think that's photoshopped in, those, because those dogs
26:33would not be looking away from the mince pies.
26:35No.
26:36Unless they're disgusting.
26:37Have you ever known a dog...
26:39My dog used to eat shit.
26:40LAUGHTER
26:47This is where you turned up, this could be Zach Polanski sitting there.
26:50LAUGHTER
26:53I bet he wouldn't say I used to give a shit to my dog.
26:55You know, fake green.
26:57LAUGHTER
26:59Time now for the odd one-out round.
27:02Just one between you this week.
27:03Your four are...
27:04Robert F Kennedy Jr, Lord Byron, Ryan Giggs and the Taliban.
27:08BUZZER
27:11Go ahead.
27:12Poetry.
27:13Oh!
27:14Poetry.
27:15Robert Kennedy wrote poems to a woman who's now an ex-lover of his
27:17and they were pretty awful.
27:19Ryan Giggs, when he wasn't knocking off his brother's wife,
27:21was writing poetry.
27:23LAUGHTER
27:24I love you like no other.
27:25Watch out, here comes your brother.
27:27LAUGHTER
27:29APPLAUSE
27:32Lord Byron, of course, famous as a poet.
27:34Mad, bad and dangerous to know.
27:35So I imagine they've all had poems printed or published
27:38or wrote poems and the Taliban have banned poetry,
27:40must be the answer.
27:41Absolutely.
27:42A specific type of poetry.
27:44It's love poetry.
27:45It is love poetry, it's romantic poetry.
27:46It's not all poetry.
27:47This is true.
27:48I'm just saying, cos we're behind and we need the points.
27:50Masha'Allah.
27:51LAUGHTER
27:52APPLAUSE
27:53Yeah, this is an uncharacteristic display of cultural authoritarianism
27:56by the Taliban.
27:57Their vice and virtue department are enforcing a new poetry law
28:00which prohibits depicting improper desires, worldly love
28:03or inappropriate emotions, as well as any criticism
28:05of their supreme leader.
28:07Hibatullah...
28:08Oh, my God.
28:09LAUGHTER
28:10LAUGHTER
28:11Hang on.
28:12Hibatullah...
28:13You see, this is why women aren't allowed to speak in public.
28:14LAUGHTER
28:15APPLAUSE
28:16Oh, the pressure.
28:17LAUGHTER
28:18They don't mind, they're very liberal.
28:19LAUGHTER
28:20As well as any criticism of their supreme leader, Hibatullah Akhansada.
28:22To be fair, though, that is a right pain to rhyme with, that one, isn't it?
28:23Yeah.
28:24Um...
28:25Throw the stones harder.
28:26LAUGHTER
28:27Hibatullah Akhansada.
28:28LAUGHTER
28:29Hibatullah Akhansada.
28:30APPLAUSE
28:31This is why women aren't allowed to speak in public.
28:32LAUGHTER
28:33Oh, the pressure.
28:34LAUGHTER
28:35They don't mind, they're very liberal.
28:36LAUGHTER
28:37As well as any criticism of their supreme leader, Hibatullah Akhansada.
28:40To be fair, though, that is a right pain to rhyme with, that one, isn't it?
28:43Yeah.
28:44LAUGHTER
28:45LAUGHTER
28:46Throw the stones harder.
28:48LAUGHTER
28:52Who has US Health Secretary Robert F Kennedy Jr. been writing poetry for?
28:59He was an ex-lover of his.
29:01Mm.
29:02I think her name was Emily something.
29:03It's Olivia Knutzi.
29:04Oh, right.
29:05I thought it was Typhoid Mary.
29:07LAUGHTER
29:09They had an affair, allegedly, in 2023.
29:13Yeah.
29:14And the poetry has been published as a revenge.
29:16Could you read it out?
29:17Cos I've read it and...
29:19I can't.
29:20LAUGHTER
29:21I'm a red-blooded fella.
29:23Sorry about the rubella.
29:24LAUGHTER
29:29Here we go.
29:30I am a river.
29:31You are my canyon.
29:32I mean to flow through you.
29:34I mean to subdue and tame you.
29:36What?
29:38We've got Ryan Giggs, who loved poetry as well.
29:40Oh, yeah.
29:41Oh, yeah.
29:42Anyone know any of his lines?
29:44His famous...
29:45His famous penned romance?
29:46I wept off her bra, but it's on VAR.
29:49LAUGHTER
29:51How did he do?
29:52This is so good!
29:54Oh!
29:55Oh!
29:56Oh!
29:57This is during a trial in 2022.
29:59Jurors at Manchester Crown Court were tormented effectively with these poems
30:03that he wrote to his ex-girlfriend Kate Greville.
30:06Here's one of them.
30:07I'm going to end by saying,
30:09You are my love, my friend, my soul.
30:12Do you want to guess what comes next?
30:14What rhymes with soul?
30:15Yeah.
30:18Back of the net, I've scored a goal.
30:20Mmm, mmm.
30:21It's actually...
30:22And most of all, you believe in me, which makes me feel as hard as a totem pole.
30:27Ooh!
30:28Ooh!
30:29LAUGHTER
30:30LAUGHTER
30:31LAUGHTER
30:33LAUGHTER
30:35LAUGHTER
30:36Does that usually have, like, faces and figures sticking out of it?
30:39LAUGHTER
30:40In his love poetry, Giggs described his penis as being as hard as a totem pole,
30:45which presumably means he couldn't bend it like Beckham.
30:48LAUGHTER
30:50Time now for the missing words round.
30:52We are starting with...
30:53..surprise as curtains from royal residence...
30:56What?
30:57Reveal Fergie stitched inside.
31:00LAUGHTER
31:02Surprise as curtains from royal residence to be turned into Christmas stockings.
31:07Mmm.
31:08Here are the stockings from Sandringham Estates.
31:10The King's curtains were originally white,
31:12but Camilla's clearly allowed to smoke indoors.
31:14LAUGHTER
31:17Finally, 20-foot-tall naked man what?
31:20Er...
31:21Finds out he's not actually invisible.
31:23LAUGHTER
31:24Surprises woman looking out a second-floor window.
31:27LAUGHTER
31:29Says it just looks small cos I'm big.
31:32LAUGHTER
31:34This is 20-foot-tall naked man terrorising Wigan once again.
31:39What?
31:40This is after being previously banned by the council.
31:42The 20-foot golden statue is back.
31:44Oh.
31:45Here it is.
31:46Erm...
31:47The owner of the statue says he's put it back up
31:49to spread some Christmas cheer.
31:51LAUGHTER
31:52I mean, I don't know about the ding, but that dong is merrily on high.
31:55LAUGHTER
31:56Which means the final scores this week are...
31:59Ian and Finlay have three.
32:01God!
32:02Paul and Richard have six.
32:03APPLAUSE
32:05But before we go, there is just time for the caption competition.
32:12Ian and Finlay, you've got this.
32:14Man arrested for breaking into every house in the world.
32:18LAUGHTER
32:19APPLAUSE
32:24Paul and Richard, you get this one.
32:26I can't help but feel I've wasted my life.
32:29LAUGHTER
32:34On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop
32:37and Finlay Christie, Paul Merton and the Reverend Richard Coles,
32:40and I leave you with news that at a work dinner,
32:43one employee helps a visiting colleague locate spicy McNuggets
32:47on the venue.
32:52On the set of the new Harry Potter series,
32:54Prince William meets the goblin operator
32:56and one of her gnarled and wizened animatronic creatures.
33:04And outside a Moscow underground station,
33:06one commuter regrets asking a busker for stairway to heaven.
33:10LAUGHTER
33:12Good night.
33:13APPLAUSE
33:14The man, the myth, the moustache.
33:27Defrosted and ready for action,
33:29Mammoth is back for our new series.
33:30Press red to watch now.
33:31And fresh from his faithful exploits in the castle,
33:33listen to Joe Marlowe will see you now.
33:36A new podcast now on BBC Sounds.
33:38APPLAUSE
33:42APPLAUSE
33:46、
33:48.
33:49Thank you very much for yours.
33:51.
33:52.
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