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00:00¡Gracias!
00:30Good evening. Welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:34I'm Richard Riuadi.
00:36In the news this week, on a visit to Quick Fit to have his car fixed,
00:40one man finally plucks up the courage to ask the mechanics
00:43the meaning of the hand gesture they keep making at him.
00:51As US tariffs on films are introduced, Ridley Scott is forced to do his own
00:57special effects for Alien 7.
01:05And on a visit to a hospital in Corby, Wes Streeting denies sticking his foot out.
01:17Hello.
01:19On Ian's team tonight is a writer and comedian who says her latest show is about the wisdom in the trees.
01:31Where I live, there's not much wisdom in the trees, but there are a lot of dog poo bags.
01:35Please welcome Bella Hull.
01:37APPLAUSE
01:43On Paul's team tonight is a crime writer who says he loves writing about real people.
01:47If you're looking for the perfect setting for a fascinating whodunit,
01:50can I suggest the OBR?
01:52Please welcome Richard Osmond.
01:54We begin with the bigger news stories of the week. Ian and Bella, here's yours.
02:04That's the fiscal drag queen.
02:09Everyone's abandoning her because they hate her new bag.
02:14That's where they put income tax.
02:16What, in those cabinets?
02:17Yeah, in the freezers.
02:18Oh, look, let's look for some growth.
02:22I'm guessing it's the budget.
02:23Yes.
02:24But I think that answer's been leaked.
02:27Right, yes.
02:28Was the budget worth the wait?
02:30Well, none of it really applies...
02:33I should say I don't really have a house.
02:35Mm-hm.
02:36I know all of you have houses.
02:37I know Richard has a house just for games.
02:39So...
02:40It's not really something that applies to me massively,
02:44but I really wish you guys all the best of luck with it.
02:48BBC News were so excited, they broadcast on the budget live
02:51from a Starbucks.
02:58What did Chris Mason have to say about it?
03:00He's the BBC correspondent.
03:01He's slipping ears.
03:02Yeah.
03:04Do you want to see what he said about it?
03:05Yes.
03:06Very exciting.
03:07Absolutely.
03:08The politics of this, where does this leave her, do you think?
03:09So, two things.
03:10Firstly, it was clear that the Chancellor was absolutely boiling,
03:13I mean, apoplectic, about being scooped on her own budget
03:17by the publication of the Office for Budget Responsibility document
03:20before she had the chance to stand up.
03:22In terms of what she said...
03:24Chris, I'm going to have to interrupt you.
03:25Have a new debate.
03:28The right honourable lady...
03:30We've actually got Chris in the studio now to finish that sentence
03:33and we're going to...
03:34No, sorry, we don't have time.
03:35Sorry, Chris.
03:36We'll have to come to you next week.
03:38So, who actually announced the budget?
03:41Well, the OBR.
03:42And she announced most of what was in it in interviews for the
03:45last six months, some of which she did and some of which she
03:48didn't.
03:49But the main thing was she said there'd be no tax rises and there
03:52aren't.
03:53It just means everyone will pay more tax.
03:55Which is completely different.
03:57Yes.
03:58And that's not breaking a manifesto pledge at all.
04:01So, we're all going to pay a record amount of tax.
04:04Mm-hm.
04:05Unless you don't earn anything and then you won't pay anything.
04:07Yeah.
04:08I'll be fine.
04:09Yes.
04:10That's good, yeah.
04:11Rachel Reeves didn't exactly announce it.
04:13The details were accidentally published early by the Office for Budget
04:17Responsibility, who have now been rebranded the Office for Budget
04:21Art About Tittery.
04:22LAUGHTER
04:23I don't think it was accidental.
04:25Oh, come on.
04:26Can you imagine their Instagram must have blown up?
04:28If you've got the budget, I mean, you're going to get huge numbers.
04:30Yeah.
04:31If you leak that.
04:32Is this how it works?
04:33Yeah.
04:34If you look at the Office of Budget Responsibility Instagram page now,
04:36it's just all of them round the office going, whoops.
04:39That's their thing, that's their meme.
04:41Tax rises won't come in until 2028-29, by which time it will be irrelevant
04:46because we'll all be underwater, probably being bombed by Putin.
04:50But fingers crossed, maybe.
04:52Good luck bombing us underwater.
04:54Sunmarines.
04:55Yeah.
04:56Oh, God.
04:57He's thought of everything, hasn't he?
04:58I shouldn't have put that out there because he might still be thinking,
05:00how am he going to do this?
05:01But, yeah.
05:02Well, the only silver lining is that, fingers crossed,
05:04we might have Farage by then.
05:06LAUGHTER
05:09What happened when Rachel Reeves did eventually get to speak?
05:12There was a lot of noise.
05:13Yeah.
05:14A lot of cheering.
05:15Yes.
05:16Do you want to have a look at what happened?
05:17I call the Chancellor of the Shutter.
05:19Yeah!
05:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
05:34Good job!
05:35Very good.
05:37Quick fire round, this is open to everyone.
05:39OK, quick fire, yeah.
05:40OK, I'm going to give you the name of something in the budget
05:42and you tell me if it's getting taxed or relaxed.
05:45Oh, OK.
05:46Is there a theme tune that goes with it?
05:47No.
05:48There should be.
05:49Yeah, but there isn't.
05:50I think that was it.
05:51That was it.
05:52I think you just did the...
05:53OK, fine.
05:54Brilliant.
05:55Excellent.
05:56OK, first up...
05:57Taxed.
05:58Yes.
05:59LAUGHTER
06:00Right.
06:01Very good.
06:02And it's as simple as that, as a format.
06:04Yes.
06:05It's very good.
06:06I like it.
06:07Yes.
06:08OK, first up...
06:09I could play this every Christmas.
06:10Yes.
06:11Very good.
06:12OK, mansions.
06:13Did you miss your buzzer?
06:15LAUGHTER
06:16This may explain why I've never won at this event.
06:19LAUGHTER
06:21Oh, a bit late now.
06:23We deactivated your buzzer a long time ago to save electricity.
06:27LAUGHTER
06:28And it's actually worked out very well.
06:29Yes, mansions.
06:30OK, yes, they're being taxed.
06:31Yes.
06:32Yes.
06:33Up to a value of...
06:34What's a value?
06:35Over.
06:36Seven million.
06:37No.
06:38Two.
06:39Two million.
06:40There was a discussion about a lower tax threshold,
06:41but that disappeared and had nothing to do with the fact
06:43that it meant Keir Starmer and David Lambie's properties
06:46just escaped a mansion tax.
06:48LAUGHTER
06:49Ooh.
06:50It's going to be great for estate agents, isn't it?
06:53Yes.
06:54They're all going to say,
06:55I reckon it's worth about 1.99.
06:57LAUGHTER
06:58Next.
06:59Yeah.
07:00Coffee.
07:01Coffee?
07:02Coffee.
07:03Oh.
07:04Just to give the impression of momentum...
07:07LAUGHTER
07:09Untaxed.
07:10Yes.
07:11Cappuccinos and flat whites are fine.
07:13Yeah.
07:14Bottled lattes, no.
07:15Really?
07:16Yeah, they're in trouble, unfortunately.
07:18And a sugar tax on drinks has been extended to milkshakes.
07:21Yes.
07:22Good news for Nigel Farage.
07:23LAUGHTER
07:24Finally, tax will relax.
07:25Bingo.
07:26That's not what I'm saying.
07:27BUZZER
07:28Yes.
07:29Gambling.
07:30They put tax on gambling.
07:32Bingo's relaxed.
07:33Oh, bingo's relaxed...
07:34Bingo's relaxed online casino betting.
07:37Right.
07:38Which is the more dangerous one.
07:39Yeah.
07:40They are abolishing the duty on bingo.
07:42Because bingo you can do and you meet other people.
07:45Yeah.
07:46Whereas online they say, come and join the party and you're alone in your room.
07:49Mm.
07:50Giving them money.
07:51Mm.
07:52How much have you lost over the years?
07:53LAUGHTER
07:56All of it.
07:57All of it.
07:58LAUGHTER
07:59You know, it's good news for people who regularly hear the word,
08:02house, house, being shouted, with the exception of, of course, Angela Rayner.
08:06LAUGHTER
08:07Who got a special mention from Rachel Reeves in her budget speech.
08:10Santa.
08:11Please say more.
08:13LAUGHTER
08:14Clause.
08:15LAUGHTER
08:16The government has called back nearly £400 million from Covid fraud,
08:20with Reeves thanking the Covid corruption commissioner, Tom Hayhoe.
08:24LAUGHTER
08:25So £400 million, that's just the change in Baroness Moan's sofa.
08:30Yes.
08:31Tom Hayhoe.
08:32Hayhoe was also Boris's initial response to the pandemic.
08:35LAUGHTER
08:37Would you like to see how Labour's Richard Bergen used some pasta to explain the economy?
08:44Yes, please.
08:45So this is the average salary, this would be the average house price,
08:48and this would be a million pounds.
08:51But what would a billion pounds look like?
08:53MUSIC PLAYS
09:15No way that cost a billion pounds, even a weight tray.
09:18LAUGHTER
09:24Also, no-one's told him that you can just cut to that image.
09:29LAUGHTER
09:31No, they're new BBC regulations, you can't mess about with editing now.
09:35LAUGHTER
09:37APPLAUSE
09:39Richard, we've had some interesting ideas on how to save money this week.
09:44Oh, really?
09:45Yeah. Do you want to take a look at what you said?
09:47Oh, my God, OK.
09:48Here we go.
09:49Can I say something controversial?
09:50Yeah.
09:51Which is, I always, for years and years on panel shows, I always said,
09:53why are we paying comedians?
09:54Because, literally, they're just selling tour tickets off the back of this panel show.
09:58This comedian is getting more from being on this show
10:00than we're getting from the comedian being on it.
10:03LAUGHTER
10:04So, erm, I mean, you have invoiced for this.
10:09LAUGHTER
10:10Do you want to make it clear that, say, if any of the viewers enjoy your performance,
10:15that they should not translate that enjoyment into buying your books?
10:19Oh, my God, don't, whatever you do, don't buy The Impossible Fortune
10:21or The Book Shops Now.
10:22I understand that.
10:23LAUGHTER
10:24You know what, it's tempting for people, because it's such a great Christmas present.
10:28It is.
10:29Because people love the series, they love the characters, they enjoy the movie.
10:33And I think they're revealing the killer at the end.
10:35If I could just say who it was, I mean, it wouldn't be.
10:37LAUGHTER
10:38Yes.
10:39Are you on tour?
10:40No, not at the moment.
10:41No.
10:42Right, well, this is a waste of time, then.
10:43Yeah.
10:44I'm just doing this because it's the volunteering section of my Duke of Edinburgh.
10:47LAUGHTER
10:48APPLAUSE
10:49Um...
10:50Can I ask you some questions about the war?
10:51Yeah, is this talking...?
10:52LAUGHTER
10:53Thank you.
10:54Buzz, which one were you in?
10:55The...
10:56This is the long-awaited budget.
10:57The former chief economist at the Bank of England described the lead-up to the budget
11:12as a fiscal fandango.
11:14They have now set up a new body to make sure it never happens again.
11:18A fiscal fandango quango.
11:20LAUGHTER
11:21Wednesday's events were described by The Sun's political editor as the
11:25biggest budget shambles in history.
11:27Mm-hm.
11:28A situation no-one is happy about, apart from maybe quasi-quate.
11:31Mm.
11:32LAUGHTER
11:33Oh, and Richard, here's yours.
11:35Yeah.
11:36The golden doors represent Putin's entrance.
11:39This is one of the more ridiculous things they still do in America,
11:42pardoning turkeys every year.
11:43And there's Father Christmas, who's obviously been on some sort of hunger strike.
11:47LAUGHTER
11:48So Putin, Ukraine, war, not over.
11:52Yes.
11:53That covers a lot of it.
11:54That's pretty good, yes.
11:55Yeah.
11:56It's a diplomatic back and forth.
11:57The Russians are currently considering a revised peace plan.
12:00What was in the first one?
12:01We get everything, and the Ukraine gets nothing.
12:06That's the deal.
12:07So, first of all, Ukraine must surrender.
12:10Yes, they were to hand over territory in the Donbass.
12:13Ukraine had to limit their army to 600,000 men and never join NATO.
12:16Russia got back most of its frozen assets and was allowed to rejoin G7.
12:19They've said, you know, Russia can have the Donbass,
12:21but Ukraine can have tickets to the Strictly Come Dancing tour.
12:23There are...
12:24It's a compromise.
12:25It's a compromise.
12:26It's a give-and-take.
12:27It's a give-and-take.
12:28It's a compromise.
12:29It's a give-and-take.
12:30Yeah.
12:31Well, I tell you who does know a lot about this is Steve Rosenberg.
12:34Yes, you do.
12:35The BBC man in Moscow.
12:36He's going to tell us what he knows.
12:37Let's see what it is.
12:38Do we know of the fine-tuning, if anything?
12:39And what's the response in Russia?
12:40We don't know much.
12:42We don't know what's been taken out of the draft, what's in the draft.
12:44The Russians aren't saying much at all.
12:46What is that feeling in the country, in Russia at the moment?
12:51We simply don't know.
12:53So the next few days will be critical.
12:55But I say we don't know what's in the latest draft of the peace plan,
12:58and we don't know if Russia would sign it.
13:01Lots of don't-knowing.
13:02But I say we don't know what's in the latest draft of the peace plan,
13:05and we don't know if Russia would sign it.
13:08Sí, sí, sí, sí, sí.
13:38Sí, sí, sí, sí.
14:07Yeah.
14:09Remind me why we're scared of Russia.
14:12Who else has been accused of being pro-Russian?
14:15Putin.
14:17Yep.
14:18The former leader of reform in Wales?
14:21That's right, yes.
14:23He's been convicted. That's right.
14:25And given ten and a half years.
14:27He was convicted and sent to prison for taking Russian bribes.
14:30What else has come back to haunt Farage?
14:33Oh, his alleged racist school days at Dunwich College.
14:37Yes, that's right.
14:38Farage denies the accusations of anti-Semitism and told the BBC,
14:42I have never directly racially abused anybody.
14:47I think if anyone says to you, have you ever racially abused anyone,
14:51you say, can I just add one word?
14:53That's all they need.
14:54Yes.
14:55Yes.
14:56Directly is doing a lot of heavy lifting.
14:57It really is.
14:58Yeah.
14:59Paul, you mentioned who Trump pardoned this week.
15:02The turkeys.
15:03Yes.
15:04Gibble and Gobble or something.
15:05Waddle and Dorb or something like that.
15:06Gobble and Waddle.
15:07The only footballers I know.
15:08Gobble and Waddle.
15:09Do you want to see the actual ceremony?
15:11Yes.
15:12It is a ceremony.
15:13Yeah, go on.
15:14Gobble.
15:15I just want to tell you this very important.
15:17You are hereby unconditionally pardoned.
15:24I thought that was Ghislaine Maxwell.
15:26Yeah.
15:28He's in there somewhere.
15:29Yeah.
15:30I'm surprised he didn't get cross because the turkey did interrupt him.
15:33I thought you'd say, quiet, turkey.
15:35Staying with our favourite world leaders,
15:38what has Nicholas Sarkozy announced this week?
15:41He's in jail, isn't he?
15:43No, he's out now.
15:44Oh, he's out?
15:45Yeah, he's out.
15:46No, well, he's publishing a diary of his 20 days in prison.
15:49It's more of a pamphlet, really.
15:52What do we already know about his eating habits?
15:55In Le Slamour.
15:56We eat the bixen ketamine.
15:57Yeah.
15:58The breakfast of champions.
16:01The E17 diet.
16:05Well, he wouldn't eat the prison food in case it was poisoned.
16:11Right.
16:12He ate nothing but yoghurt.
16:14But you can poison yoghurt.
16:15You can poison yoghurt, yeah.
16:16It's probably easier to poison yoghurt than a lot of things.
16:19Yeah, absolutely.
16:20You should eat coconuts, something difficult to poison.
16:22Yeah.
16:23Nice.
16:24Sulemon coconut.
16:25Yes.
16:26Yes.
16:27For moi.
16:28Yes.
16:29Speaking of well-leaves in prison, who's been put away?
16:34The former Brazilian president, Jair Bolsonaro.
16:37Yes.
16:38Yes, which allowed Brazilian journalist Manuela Borges the opportunity to revisit an interview she did with him back in 2014.
16:44Let's take a look.
16:45You're an idiot.
16:46You're an idiot.
16:47You're an ignorant.
16:48You're an ignorant.
16:49I don't want to offend you ever.
16:50You're a pretty.
16:51You're a pretty.
16:52You're a pretty.
16:53You're a pretty.
16:54You're a pretty.
16:55You're a pretty.
16:56Criminally?
16:57Oh.
16:58Oh.
16:59Oh.
17:00Criminally.
17:01Yes.
17:02I hope that's a rehearsal for Trump.
17:15The thing about that prison, though, I'm looking at the rather impressive gate, but if you look just behind her, it's a completely open field there. They could just walk out that way.
17:23President Trump has been sporting a new look recently. Have you noticed what the new look is?
17:29He's wearing an overcoat and a scarf, isn't he?
17:31Exactly, yes.
17:32This is considered a new look.
17:33He looks like Michael Caine in Muppet's Christmas Carol.
17:36And there's Picky.
17:40Brilliant.
17:42He's supposedly copying New York mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani.
17:47They had a very nice meeting, the two of them.
17:49Yes, which we can see now.
17:51He asked about your comment calling the president a fascist.
17:55And your answer was, both President Trump and I have been clear about our positions and our views.
18:00Are you affirming that you think President Trump is a fascist?
18:04I've spoken about-
18:05That's okay, you can just say yes.
18:06Okay.
18:07All right.
18:08It's easier.
18:09It's easier than explaining it.
18:11That's okay.
18:12I don't know.
18:13I don't know.
18:14What garment are Republicans and MAGA devotees furious about?
18:24Not the MAGA hats.
18:25Not the MAGA hat.
18:26It's this jumper from J.Crew.
18:28They're furious because a pink jumper feminises the man.
18:33That's what they feel.
18:34That's why the men dance to YMCA.
18:36Yeah.
18:37According to the V&A, it was only in the early part of the 20th century that pink became associated with femininity.
18:42It's always been a sign of power, authority and wealth.
18:45Um...
18:46That's your boy.
18:49He is so handsome and smells so great, I spelt his name wrong when I signed his book.
18:54I was so...
18:55I had to literally go into a bookshop and buy another copy of my own book to sign it again and say,
19:00I'm so sorry I spelt your name wrong.
19:02I was distracted by how handsome you were.
19:04What did you write in his book?
19:06Just, mmm...
19:07Mmm...
19:08Literally, I just wrote my phone number.
19:11Sure.
19:12You're buying copies of your best-selling book?
19:15Why do you think it's best-selling?
19:17That's how you do it.
19:22Now, did you know that in New York, a fashion show has featured clothing made from wool of exclusively gay sheep?
19:32This is true.
19:34What do you think the name of the company that make gay sheep garments is called?
19:38Barbara Streisand.
19:40I Wool Survive.
19:43I once...
19:46put on a jumper.
19:48Uh-huh.
19:49And spent the whole day sort of getting a lot of double takes, but I kind of really thought,
19:53hey, I'm having a great day today.
19:55And then I came home and glanced at myself in the mirror.
19:58And what happened was, I'd actually worn quite a big sort of puffy top underneath,
20:03I presumed would collapse.
20:05And unfortunately, it hadn't collapsed.
20:07Let's see the picture.
20:08This is the attempt to end the war in Ukraine, which Donald Trump wanted to be sorted by Thanksgiving Day on Thursday.
20:21What a berk.
20:22Everyone knows the best chance of securing a good deal is to wait till Black Friday.
20:26On to round two this week, the producers have built an AI version of me in an attempt to make me more relatable.
20:35This is Richard.
20:36A-I-U-R-D.
20:38Time for Gaining Sentience Targeting Military Infrastructure.
20:42A-I-U-R-D.
20:43A-I-U-R-D.
20:44Activating.
20:45Well, they've accurately copied my enthusiasm level.
20:51OK.
20:52Richard.
20:53A-I-U-R-D.
20:54Is going to give us a picture clue.
20:56Fingers on brothers, pings.
20:58Let's do this.
20:59This is a man who's advertising for a wife.
21:05Is he a lord?
21:06He's an aristocrat.
21:08Sir Benjamin says he's looking for a partner.
21:10What attributes does 79-year-old Sir Benjamin look for in a woman?
21:14An ability to resist gunfire.
21:16A bulletproof vest.
21:17Yes.
21:18He's got a couple of requirements.
21:19He told the Times that the next lady, Slade, must...
21:21Yes.
21:22Be at least 20 years younger.
21:23Be 5ft 6 inches tall.
21:24Have a driving licence.
21:25Helicopter licence is beneficial.
21:26Not be a Scorpio.
21:27Have a family coat of arms.
21:28Know how to run two castles.
21:29Not be Scottish.
21:30Not be an Eskimo.
21:31Not come from a country where you're going to be.
21:32Not be an Eskimo.
21:33Not come from a country where you're going to be.
21:34Not be an Eskimo.
21:35Not be an Eskimo.
21:36Not be an Eskimo.
21:37Not be an Eskimo.
21:38Not be an Eskimo.
21:39Not be an Eskimo.
21:40Not be an Eskimo.
21:41Not be an Eskimo.
21:42Not come from a country that begins with a letter I and has green in the flag.
21:46Not come from a country where they don't wear overcoats in winter.
21:48Not be a Guardian reader.
21:49And finally, have a shotgun licence.
21:50I could do that.
21:51I don't have a pension plan, do you know what I mean?
21:52There is one more stipulation for his future partner.
21:53What do you think that is?
21:54They must be criminally insane.
21:55They do need to provide him with at least two sons.
21:56An heir and a spare.
21:57So, must be a good breeder.
21:58Are you sure he's looking for a person?
21:59Well, one of his pet peeves is that he's not a good breeder.
22:00I don't have a pension plan.
22:02I think it's not a good breeder.
22:05I don't have a pension plan.
22:06And I think it's not a bad thing.
22:07I don't have a pension plan.
22:08I don't have a pension plan.
22:09Do you know what I mean?
22:10There is one more stipulation for his future partner.
22:11What do you think that is?
22:12They must be criminally insane.
22:13They do need to provide him with at least two sons.
22:16An heir and a spare.
22:18So, must be a good breeder.
22:22Are you sure he's looking for a person?
22:25Well, one of his pet peeves is that he's not a good breeder.
22:28que no es horror causing queria things is that he's not keen on foreigners.
22:33He told the Independent in 2008
22:35The Russians are dishonest, the Chinese are impossible,
22:38the Arabs are a nightmare and the Brazilians are only good for sex,
22:41football and dancing.
22:45Is he entering politics at all?
22:48I don't think he's entering anything at once soon.
22:51.
22:56Fear not, he told his son not long ago that he could...
22:58...물 homeless this week end share by oysters and erectile dysfunction drugs.
23:00I mean, it's incredible he's single. He's such a catch.
23:08In other news, what Barry Cryer joke made it into the news?
23:12The parrot in the brothel.
23:14Not that one.
23:15It's not the jazz drummer who was so bad, the other musicians from the band said,
23:18No, no, no, no, no.
23:48What else might have been a giveaway?
23:50She was screaming, let me out.
23:53Temple manager told the press, I saw her opening her eyes slightly.
23:58That's not enough. Just shut the lid, mate.
24:01It's all been paid for.
24:05It was a happy surprise for the family but they were slightly annoyed
24:08because some had driven 300 miles to reach a crematorium.
24:12Always very locally.
24:14That's a good slogan.
24:17In fact, go out in the brown bin, that's what I say.
24:22This is the ageing aristocrat, Sir Benjamin Slade,
24:25who has made it known he's on the hunt for a new wife.
24:28The successful candidate will be 20 years younger,
24:32paid £50,000 a year to run his household and preferably be able
24:36to fly a helicopter.
24:38A six-year-old woman who's desperate for money and somewhere to live
24:41and also knows about helicopters.
24:43Here it comes.
24:47Sir Benjamin insists he doesn't want to marry a woman from countries
24:51beginning with I, who have green in their flag, adding,
24:55I don't mind Canadians, Americans, Germans and Northern Europeans,
24:59what I like to call similar people.
25:03I think reform have just found their new foreign secretary.
25:06Fingers on buzzers teams.
25:10I love people.
25:11Let's have another question, gang.
25:13This is six and seven thing, isn't it?
25:14Yes.
25:15This is something that young people have got obsessed with,
25:16but nobody would seem to really know what it means.
25:17According to dictionary.com, it's meaningless.
25:19I think the fact that it's not quite certain what it is,
25:22is the thing that amuses them the most.
25:23Yes.
25:24That it's unexplainable.
25:25It's like the budget, isn't it?
25:26Yes.
25:27Who's the latest popular celebrity to take part in the viral dance meme?
25:29Keir Starmer.
25:30Yes, it is.
25:31Yeah, I know.
25:32That's why I said it.
25:33Keir Starmer.
25:34Where did he use it, do you know?
25:35In a school.
25:36Yes.
25:37In Peterborough.
25:38Yeah.
25:39And he was told not to.
25:40I don't know what it means.
25:41I don't know what people I've got obsessed with,
25:42but nobody would seem to really know what it means.
25:43According to dictionary.com, it's meaningless.
25:45I think the fact that it's not quite certain what it is,
25:47is the thing that amuses them the most.
25:48Yeah.
25:49That it's unexplainable.
25:50It's like the budget, isn't it?
25:51Yes.
25:52In Peterborough.
25:53Yeah.
25:54And he was told not to.
25:55Yeah.
25:56And he got in trouble.
25:57That's flipping right.
25:58Yeah.
25:59I think we should solemnise this by seeing him being rebuked.
26:01By doing what?
26:02Solemise it.
26:03Solemise?
26:04Yes.
26:05Oh, that was close, wasn't it?
26:08Yeah.
26:09It's not easy having a speech impediment.
26:10No.
26:11Not in the baths I go to.
26:12Yeah.
26:15Let's see the footage.
26:16Yep.
26:17Looking at the page.
26:18Oh, it's not on the page.
26:196-7.
26:206-7.
26:21Yeah.
26:226-7.
26:23Everyone here.
26:246-7.
26:25Are you doing page 6-7?
26:26We're not over that yet.
26:27We're not over that yet.
26:28Still very much.
26:31Was this filmed at the Junior Academy of Useless Jugglers?
26:38They took away his Tamagotchi as well after that.
26:42And you were right, he was told off.
26:44He was told off by the headmistress.
26:45We've been trying to stop him doing that.
26:46You come along, you great bozo in there.
26:48They're all doing that.
26:49Who do you think you are?
26:51Finally, what makes you an adult?
26:53There was some research saying that you're not an adult neurologically until you're 30.
26:58Yes, you've still got a teenage brain.
26:59That's absolutely right.
27:00Yes, according to a new study by neuroscientists at the University of Cambridge,
27:04your brain only enters adulthood at the age of 32.
27:08So from 9 until 32 we have the brain of an adolescent, which makes you an adolescent.
27:13Shut up!
27:14LAUGHTER
27:15APPLAUSE
27:17And I think it's good that you express yourself like that.
27:24But I also think that there are ways that you can choose that actually respect the other person.
27:30LAUGHTER
27:31I'm sorry.
27:32That's OK.
27:33But shut up!
27:34LAUGHTER
27:35This is great.
27:36This is next year's John Lewis Christmas album.
27:38LAUGHTER
27:39Did anyone see presenter Peter Levy talking about Christmas trees this week?
27:44No, didn't know about it.
27:45Well, it's a hell of a clue.
27:46Let's...
27:47Go on then.
27:48Let us look.
27:49Mine's only a small one but it did go up this weekend.
27:53LAUGHTER
27:54The Christmas tree went...
27:57Have you...
27:58Has your Christmas tree gone up?
28:00Let me know what you think of this one.
28:02Is it illuminated?
28:03Yeah.
28:04This is Keir Starmer breaking school rules like a baller by encouraging pupils to do the 6-7 dance
28:12after being rebuked by the head teacher for breaking school rules Starmer jokes,
28:16I think I just got myself put in detention.
28:18Don't worry Keir, wherever you are the last thing anyone wants is for you to stay behind even longer.
28:23LAUGHTER
28:25According to The Independent, the term 6-7 is often blurted out when 6 and 7 are mentioned together.
28:31As in, the England cricket team are 20 for 6.
28:34Oh, 7.
28:35LAUGHTER
28:37Time now for the Missing Words Round which this week features as its guest publication Cuttings,
28:42the newsletter of the British Lawnmower Racing Association.
28:45LAUGHTER
28:46And we start with...
28:47The winner of a lawnmower race can expect what?
28:50To never feel the touch of a woman.
28:53LAUGHTER
28:55I don't suppose the answer's fuck all, is it?
28:57LAUGHTER
28:59The winner of a lawnmower race can expect to receive a giant spanner saying King Dick on it.
29:04LAUGHTER
29:05I was right.
29:06Yeah.
29:07You were right.
29:08Next, many women are now paying £70 to spend half an hour what?
29:13Alone?
29:14LAUGHTER
29:17Many women are now paying £70 to spend half an hour smashing up appliances with a baseball bat.
29:24LAUGHTER
29:25This is the news that 90% of customers at so-called rage rooms are women.
29:29I've got a rage room.
29:30It's a place that I go when I get very furious and I'll go in there
29:33and I will tut.
29:35LAUGHTER
29:38Next, shock as what wins election?
29:42Lawnmower.
29:43Labour Party.
29:45LAUGHTER
29:47Eileen Jacobs.
29:48That's the closest answer yet.
29:50Is it?
29:51Shock as Adolf Hitler wins election.
29:54Not that one.
29:56LAUGHTER
29:57This Adolf Hitler is a local councillor in Namibia.
29:59There would be someone called Eileen Jacobs at home and Paul would have said her name.
30:03Firstly, she'd be like, oh, my God, Eileen Jacobs.
30:05And then you've gone, yeah, that's the closest yet.
30:06It was Adolf Hitler.
30:07Yeah.
30:08LAUGHTER
30:09Well, Eileen needs to stop her programme of National Socialism.
30:13Now the BBC is going to get sued by Eileen Jacobs as well.
30:16Yeah.
30:17Come on, Eileen.
30:18LAUGHTER
30:19APPLAUSE
30:20Next, police advisor called prostitutes what?
30:24On Monday when they're not so busy.
30:25LAUGHTER
30:26Police advisor called prostitutes sexual entrepreneurs.
30:31LAUGHTER
30:32The guidance has been welcomed by several Met Police officers who can now claim they were
30:43simply investing in a start-up.
30:45LAUGHTER
30:46Next, scientists revealed that what can turn you into a sex machine?
30:51Oh, I know this one.
30:52Is it becoming the Archbishop of York?
30:54LAUGHTER
30:56I think I read this.
30:57I think it's Editing Private Eye.
30:59LAUGHTER
31:00Oh, yes.
31:01Yes.
31:04Scientists reveal that eating lots of paella can turn you into a sex machine.
31:08According to website Female First, Iranian scientists last year found that saffron
31:12significantly ramped up desire, arousal and orgasm intensity.
31:17Good to know they're not all working on a nuclear bomb.
31:20LAUGHTER
31:21Finally, you can now stay in a hotel suite themed around what?
31:28Is it themed around the game show Guess That Carpet Stain?
31:31Yeah.
31:32Yes.
31:33LAUGHTER
31:34You can now stay in a hotel suite themed around Jeremy Clarkson.
31:40Here it is.
31:42Does the food arrive cold and you have to hit someone?
31:48LAUGHTER
31:49Fans of Jeremy Clarkson can spend the night surrounded by quotes from Jeremy Clarkson,
31:54photos of Jeremy Clarkson while reading books written by Jeremy Clarkson.
31:58The room has already been reserved for its first guest, Jeremy Clarkson.
32:01LAUGHTER
32:02So, the final scores are Ian and Bella have four, Paul and Richard have four.
32:07Hooray!
32:08APPLAUSE
32:09Thank you.
32:10On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop and Bella Hull,
32:15Paul Merton and Richard Osman, and I leave you with news that...
32:17After it's agreed that a number of rows named after the former Prince Andrew are to be renamed,
32:24some instances are considered to be more pressing than others.
32:28LAUGHTER
32:33As Jeremy Corbyn appears in panto for the first time,
32:36a record number of people arrive at the theatre carrying rotten tomatoes.
32:40LAUGHTER
32:44At a private event in London, there's relief as staff manage to turn off the microphones
32:48just as one of the attendees launches into his old school song.
32:53LAUGHTER
32:56And at a Tom Jones concert in Cardiff, one excitable granny whips off her briefs
33:00and prepares to throw them on stage.
33:03LAUGHTER
33:06Good night.
33:08APPLAUSE
33:21Life after Motherland.
33:23She's making a big splash in Amanda Land.
33:26Comedy on iPlayer.
33:27This and everything across the BBC is made possible
33:31because we're funded by you.
33:33Thank you.
33:34APPLAUSE
33:35APPLAUSE
33:40MUSIC
33:41MUSIC
33:45MUSIC
33:46MUSIC
33:49MUSIC
33:50MUSIC
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