- 1 week ago
This Hour Has 22 Minutes - Season 33 Episode 9 -
Quiet Piggy
Quiet Piggy
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00We meet the future of meat and Canada's in the market for some new Jets. 22 minutes starts now!
00:24Welcome to the show!
00:25This week, J.D. Vance got an itchy Twitter finger, and he took aim at Canada.
00:31And with all due respect to my Canadian friends, whose politics focus obsessively on the United States,
00:37your stagnating living standards have nothing to do with Donald Trump or whatever boogeyman the CBC tells you to blame.
00:45The fault lies with your leadership elected by you.
00:48With all due respect, which is none, your president is affecting our living standards.
00:54At this point, we'd prefer the boogeyman. At least he's not in the Epstein files.
01:01Meanwhile, Pete Hookstra, American ambassador to Canada and former Sam from Guess Who, was also running his mouth about Canada.
01:10People will say, Pete, you just don't understand why we're so mad about the 51st state.
01:15It's kind of like, yeah, you're right, I don't.
01:17And that's what you want to hear from an ambassador.
01:21I don't understand you people!
01:25The ambassador also did some diplomatic rage-baiting about the trade war and Doug Ford's tariff ad.
01:30You know, they were talking about $54 million of ads.
01:34American dollars.
01:36So, real money.
01:37The, uh...
01:37Just a joke.
01:39Just a joke, okay? Lighten up.
01:42That's the...
01:43Does diplomatic immunity cover you from getting your Muppet ass kicked, Dr. Honeydew?
01:53I mean, sure, our money's worth a little bit less, but at least it can handle a spin cycle.
02:00Hookstra also said Ford's ad could have affected the U.S. election.
02:03Hey, we're sorry. We thought you'd like a taste of your own meddling.
02:08Those weren't even the nastiest things American officials said this week.
02:12They got trumped.
02:13There's growing controversy today over the president's treatment of a reporter aboard Air Force One.
02:19Quiet, quiet.
02:20Guys, relax. He's allowed to use that word. He's a pig himself.
02:26It was a new low, even for Trump, but Caroline Levitt masterfully swept it under an already bulging rug.
02:35Uh, look, the president is very frank and honest with everyone in this room.
02:39You've all seen it yourself. You've all experienced it yourselves, and I think it's one of the many reasons that the American people re-elected this president, because of his frankness.
02:49Then, in the spirit of frankness and honesty, we have two words for you all.
02:53Quiet, piggy! Shut your hog mouth!
02:59Zip it!
03:03Everyone knows I love kids like Don Jr. and one of the girls, so I wrote a book about the lying liars who write about me.
03:12Here it is. Quiet, piggy! Just like I yelled on the plane, quite frankly.
03:17Let's begin.
03:19These swine-called reporters, they drive me insane, who let these farm animals onto my plane.
03:27They ask about Epstein, I say, it's no biggie.
03:30Then they press me again, and I say, quiet, piggy!
03:34That's the book title, kids. Try and keep up.
03:37Then they look at my hair, and they say, it's a wig, and it's as real as my tan.
03:42Once again, shut up, pig!
03:44Quiet, piggy! Shut up, piggy! It's the same thing, quite frankly.
03:48Let me drink my Diet Coke, watch me take a big swiggy, while I think about how I can pardon P. Diddy.
03:55He got a bum rap, and we're doing everything we can. We're talking to some very good people.
03:59So get off my plane, make your way to the crates. I've got things to acquire, like the 51st state.
04:06Or maybe just Alberta. It's the one with the oil. It's the only one you want to be French.
04:11Shut up, pig! Why don't you try it? Quiet, piggy! Piggy, be quiet!
04:18Any questions? Go ahead.
04:21This book sucks.
04:22Silence, hog!
04:24Quiet Piggy, the new book by President Donald Trump. For kids?
04:30Shut up, you pigs. You're all pigs. Quite frankly, you're a pig, you're a pig, you're a big piggy, you're the piggy. You're all pigs.
04:37The Kearney government has committed to billions in new defense spending, which includes replacing our fleet of aging fighter jets.
04:47In 2023, Ottawa agreed to purchase 88 American F-35s, but the government is reviewing the deal in light of recent developments.
04:55Oh, why did someone happen?
04:59Luckily, we've got other options. A delegation from Sweden was in Ottawa last week to pitch a Swedish fighter jet that could be manufactured entirely in Canada.
05:07They're so serious, they even brought the Swedish king to really Sweden the deal.
05:13Yes, that's their actual king and not a frostbitten glacier sprite.
05:19And let's just say His Majesty is a real Swede-talker.
05:25Hello, I am Karl XVI Gustaf, the king of Sweden.
05:30Yeah, we can do kings too, you know.
05:33And I am so happy to sell you an exciting new product, Swedish fighter jets.
05:39You think we only did meatballs and furniture for college students?
05:44Well, now we have a third thing, playing.
05:47And you Canadians can build it your very own selves.
05:51Playing comes in 3,000 cardboard boxes.
05:55It is made of 40,000 little pieces that all look exactly the same.
06:01Where do I start?
06:03Ah, what you are looking for is this.
06:06For little screws, if you do not have one, then you are the one who is screwed.
06:11Can I borrow yours?
06:12No.
06:13This is the royal allen key, passed down to me from my forefathers.
06:18Sorry.
06:19Putting together wonderful Swedish product will take between one hour and nine years.
06:26And the splinters will be in your bloodstream until you die.
06:30When it is finished, playing will serve as both weapon of war and charming conversation piece for living or dining room.
06:37Are you ill, Miss Dune?
06:39No.
06:40Look, I am mainly just here for the meatballs.
06:42Do you have any of those?
06:43Oh!
06:44That is an offensive Swedish stereotype.
06:47Here, let me do it.
06:51Mamma mia, here I go again.
06:54Fighter jets from Sweden, because we know how broke you guys are.
06:58Wait, Peg Jay goes in hole 97?
07:02Honestly, what the hell?
07:07A new federal rule in the U.S. will require car companies to use accurate female crash test dummies for the first time.
07:14They sit in the passenger seat and say,
07:16Dale, slow down, you're gonna crash!
07:21Last week, Woody the Talking Christmas Tree returned to Dartmouth, Nova Scotia, ready for the Christmas season.
07:28And after wildfire season, he's looking a little different.
07:31This week, the maker of sourpuss announced a deal to move some production to Canada.
07:39A huge trade war win and great news for our test tube shooter industry.
07:45Hey, Canada.
07:46Minister of Trade and overall good time.
07:49Dominic LeBlanc here.
07:51The trade war is devastating Canadian industry, but we are fighting back.
07:55And I am proud to announce that sourpuss is moving its factory to Canada.
08:01Uh, what?
08:03That's that nasty stuff I drank underage.
08:05Exactly.
08:06Sourpuss is an iconic brand.
08:08And it is going to be made right here in Canada.
08:12How is that already so sticky?
08:15What about the auto industry?
08:17Yeah, what about the steel industry?
08:19What about green initiatives?
08:20Ah, looks pretty green to me.
08:22This doesn't seem like a strong economic plan for the future.
08:25Hey, we are fighting for the future.
08:27This is for the youth of this country,
08:29so they can have something to drink in a ravine.
08:32And now, the CEO.
08:35Woo!
08:36I am so proud of this factory.
08:42It's cute.
08:43And you know something else?
08:45Sourpuss is good at any temperature.
08:48She's drunk.
08:49It's a healthy buzz.
08:51Oh, she's way too drunk to be handling scissors that big.
08:54I got it.
08:55I got it.
08:56Woo!
09:00Hey, Canada.
09:02Have you seen my purse?
09:04Isn't she great?
09:05Isn't she fun?
09:06Canada will be a powerhouse in flavored liqueurs.
09:10We're already in negotiations with Blue Carousel.
09:14And when people see Neon Vomit, they will think Canada.
09:18Woo!
09:19So, after almost a year of negotiations,
09:21this is all you have to show for it?
09:23Uh...
09:25Blue light special time!
09:27Two-for-one shooters!
09:29Okay, no.
09:30You can't distract us, because I...
09:32Wait, are those jello shots?
09:33Yeah.
09:34I can drink, like, ten of those!
09:35Or eat?
09:36What do you call it?
09:37Get up here, party girls!
09:39I'll get one of those.
09:41What vintage is this?
09:43April?
09:44I hear that's a good month.
09:45Down the hatch!
09:47It's crazy your dad won't let you do your dream.
09:50God, that's off.
09:52Yeah, it's really just for teens.
09:57On the weekend, the Prime Minister was asked
09:59when he last spoke to President Trump,
10:01and he had a considered response.
10:03When was the last time you spoke to the President?
10:05Uh, who cares?
10:07I mean, it's a detail.
10:08It's a detail.
10:09I spoke to him.
10:10I'll speak to him again when it matters.
10:11Yeah, who cares?
10:13Other than the softwood lumber industry,
10:15auto industry, film industry, steel industry,
10:17dairy industry, tourism industry.
10:19I mean, but by all means, leave him on red!
10:33This week at the COP30 UN Climate Conference,
10:36activists awarded Canada the Fossil of the Day Award.
10:39Danielle Smith responded,
10:41Fossil?
10:42Dibs on that when it turns into oil.
10:44The satirical award recognized Canada's backsliding
10:48on climate policy, but our new environment minister
10:51assures us we're on the right track.
10:53Is it still the government's plan
10:55to cut emissions by 40 to 45 percent?
10:57Look, when we set the targets for 2030,
11:00we always knew they were ambitious,
11:02and that was the whole point.
11:03Canadians wanted us to be ambitious,
11:05and so is it hard to do?
11:08Yes.
11:09Ah, yeah.
11:10It's like the old expression.
11:11When the going gets tough, the tough goes,
11:13that's too tough.
11:15The prime minister does have at least one environmentalist
11:19in his corner.
11:20The Green Party's Elizabeth May,
11:22who voted for Carney's budget after being promised
11:24the PM still cares about the climate.
11:26Has the prime minister committed what he said in there
11:29privately to you?
11:30Has he said that before?
11:31Person to person, no.
11:34But through channels, yes.
11:36Elizabeth May, you sweet, naive fool.
11:39I hope her faith is justified,
11:42because she understands the road we're on,
11:44the Fury Road.
11:45I do not want my grandchildren growing up
11:48in a dystopian fiction of Mad Max.
11:51I don't know about your grandkids,
11:53but I think you'd thrive in the Mad Max world.
11:56So on behalf of Canada,
11:58we're accepting the Fossil of the Day Award.
12:01Sorry, there's so many people to thank.
12:05Imperial Oil, Irving, Suncor, Synovus, Husky, Enbridge.
12:14Wait, wait, wait.
12:15No, there's so many more.
12:16Don't play me off.
12:17I haven't even gotten to the mining companies yet.
12:20My kids love a burger.
12:22But these days, meat is so damn expensive.
12:26And now, I don't even know what's in it.
12:29Meat from cloned animals will soon be hitting
12:31grocery store shelves,
12:33and new Health Canada regulations will not require
12:35meat producers to label whether the beef or pork
12:38is coming from a cloned animal.
12:40The idea of eating cloned meat used to scare me.
12:44But at these prices, what choice do I have?
12:47I want what's best for my kids,
12:50but I also want what's cheapest for me.
12:52I don't know what's in this stuff.
12:54All I know is,
12:56these things are reproducing like rabbits.
12:58Honey, please, no more burgers.
13:03I stopped making burgers.
13:04The burgers are making themselves.
13:06Daddy, I'm too full.
13:09The burgers are having baby burgers in my baby's belly.
13:11Who wants more burgers?
13:13We can't live like this.
13:15You said you wanted cheaper food.
13:17Health Canada, we put the hell in health.
13:21An AI-enabled teddy bear has been suspended from shelves
13:27after it gave sex advice,
13:29which is insane.
13:31Like, what was the advice?
13:33Like, what did he...
13:34What did he say?
13:35Like...
13:37What was it?
13:38The Liberals passed their budget last week,
13:40and as usual,
13:41the House of Commons was as dignified
13:43as you might expect.
13:45Order!
13:46I'll remind honorable members
13:47they are not to take pictures in the chamber.
13:48Order!
13:50I will ask the honorable members
13:52who have taken pictures
13:53to immediately delete the pictures now.
13:55Now!
13:56Who knew the House of Commons
13:57had the same rules as a Bruno Mars concert?
14:00Conservative House Leader Andrew Scheer
14:03has said that he would take
14:05defeating the budget seriously.
14:07The federal budget is just around the corner,
14:09and you're about to find out
14:10how much all this spending is going to cost you.
14:16Now, I know we're discussing
14:18some dry and technical terms,
14:20so throughout this video,
14:21I'll be showing you some amazing videos
14:24just to make it all worthwhile.
14:25But sadly for Scheer,
14:27the budget passed.
14:28Just barely.
14:29Just 170 to 168.
14:31Nobody wanted an election,
14:33so the vote was a political game of chicken.
14:35Two NDP MPs abstained,
14:37and two Conservative MPs abstained.
14:39And Scheer?
14:40He almost missed the vote entirely.
14:42The Honorable, uh, Opposition,
14:44Official Opposition House Leader,
14:46um, has a point of...
14:48Yes, Mr. Scheer,
14:48I had technical difficulty.
14:49I would like to vote no.
14:50Scheer waited to vote at the last minute
14:52because he was afraid that voting against a budget
14:55would trigger an election.
14:56Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! Mwah!
14:59Do we really believe the House Leader
15:01and the caucus chair needed to vote remotely
15:05when they were physically in the House of Commons?
15:07No, no, we don't believe them.
15:10Because this appears to be a picture of them
15:12hiding behind the curtains
15:14until they knew it was safe to vote.
15:16You're not allowed to enter or leave the House
15:18once the vote has started,
15:19so these two clowns were hiding behind curtains
15:21like Shaggy in a haunted house.
15:25Even former Conservative MP Lisa Raitt
15:27wasn't falling for it.
15:28They both had problems in their apps,
15:31which is interesting
15:32because they were both in the House as well.
15:34So one could possibly surmise
15:36that maybe they were waiting to see
15:37which way the vote was going to go themselves
15:39before they decided if they were going to abstain
15:42or if they were going to vote against it.
15:45It seems Scheer's boss, Pierre Polyev,
15:47is a lot like the Wizard of Oz.
15:49Well, pay no attention
15:52to that man behind the curtains.
15:55Unfortunately for Andrew,
15:56it seems some curtains are so sheer
15:58you can see right through them.
16:00Picklefest is officially set to reopen at Edmonton
16:16in the fall of 2026,
16:18and they were only able to open the first time
16:20because I loosened it.
16:22A man named J.D. Vance
16:27has been given two years in prison
16:28for threatening to kill Vice President J.D. Vance.
16:31Even crazier, during sentencing
16:33the judge still referred to him as
16:35the good J.D. Vance.
16:40Attention Rogers customers,
16:42we want to assure you that our customer service
16:44is still terrible
16:45and that everything will take way longer than necessary.
16:48Yes! Yes! That's so inconvenient. I love it.
16:52Can I help you, sir?
16:53God, I hope not.
16:55I've heard Rogers is awful.
16:58Now sign me up.
16:59I want to leave here wishing there was a better option,
17:02but knowing in my heart there's not.
17:05Right.
17:06We can get you set up with a new plan?
17:08Yes! Lock me into a plan.
17:10Chain me to a contract.
17:12Our most popular plan is unlimited talk and text for $65.
17:16Oh, you're lying to my face right now.
17:18I love that!
17:19Tell me it's only $65,
17:21but when I get my bill it's well over $100.
17:24Yes! Hit me with hidden fees.
17:27Bury them so deep I'll never even find them.
17:31Did you want our international package?
17:33No.
17:34When I travel I want to be punished by roaming fees.
17:38I should tell you there is an $80 setup fee.
17:41$80 setup fee?
17:43What even is that?
17:45Take my money and then spend it on a baseball player or something.
17:49I never do this, but I'm going to speed up this process.
17:51What? No. Slow. Slow.
17:53Uh, yeah.
17:54What color phone did you want?
17:56Mist blue.
17:57We only have white.
17:58Oh, not even my second choice.
18:00Oh, white's going to show the dirt so much.
18:03I love that.
18:04Okay.
18:05Oh, thank you.
18:06Do you mind holding this?
18:07Yeah, I just want to check this out.
18:08Wow, this is awful.
18:10Did you want device protection?
18:11No, no.
18:12No protection.
18:13When this breaks, and it will, I want to do this process all over again.
18:20Okay, well, looks like you're all set up.
18:23Good.
18:24Now cancel it immediately.
18:25No, you've got to call in to do that.
18:27Yes!
18:28Make me call in even though you're standing right here in front of me.
18:31What's this story even for, so stupid?
18:34I want you to watch.
18:37Yes!
18:38Describe your large call volume.
18:49RFK Jr. allegedly sent erotic poetry to a journalist during an affair.
18:54I don't think that needs a punchline.
19:01Lululemon unveiled its new Team Canada designs for the upcoming Winter Olympics in Italy.
19:06Cool.
19:07Here's what I'll be wearing.
19:11This week, mega Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene, known for her anti-vaccine, anti-trans
19:15views, resigned from the House of Representatives in this heartfelt message.
19:21Hey, y'all.
19:22It's me, Marjorie Taylor Greene.
19:24I just want to let y'all know that I'm resigning.
19:27Congress has become a toxic cesspool of paranoia and hatred.
19:31And for that, you're welcome.
19:34But this has nothing to do with Trump blowing me off like I'm Bill Clinton.
19:39Look it up, y'all.
19:41It's because I've changed.
19:43So forget everything you know about me.
19:45Like how I said school shootings weren't real or how the feds controlled the weather.
19:51I used to believe in Jewish space lasers, but that was days ago.
19:56I don't think the lasers are Jewish anymore.
20:00They're regular.
20:02And I'm pretending to try new things.
20:04Like the other day, I let a gay cut my hair.
20:07It took four straight men to hold me down, but we got through it.
20:11Ain't the world cray cray.
20:13One day you think one thing and then the next day you think a brand new thing.
20:17One day you're the most hated woman in Congress and the next you're the most hated woman on the view.
20:23Move over, Joy.
20:25So, to recap, space lasers aren't Jewish.
20:31I'm resigning and Fortnite causes super AIDS.
20:34Whoops!
20:36Sorry, that's old Marge.
20:38Get out of my head, me!
20:40So, don't feel bad for me.
20:42I'm gonna spend more time with my family.
20:45So, feel bad for them.
20:47God bless America.
20:49And y'all, look up that Bill Clinton thing.
20:51It's crazy.
20:52That's the way we saw the world this week.
21:02On behalf of everyone here, we wish you and yours a very merry Black Friday.
21:07And a happy Cyber Monday.
21:09Goodnight!
21:10Goodnight!
Be the first to comment