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James May's Shed Load of Ideas Season 1 Episode 3
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FunTranscript
00:00Hello, these days I spend more and more time in my Wiltshire home and the pub I
00:08own, thinking about all the big problems in the world and some smaller ones that
00:13annoy me. Luckily there's a place I can go to solve them all, or at least try. My
00:22shed. Right, it's here that I have the tools, let's just saw some wood up, the tea and a
00:32couple of other highly competent blokes, very good, brace yourself, who've agreed to
00:38help me rid the world of problems, great and small. The cereal has gone soggy. I'll
00:48also have to take on other people's problems. What is wrong with Peter? He
00:52used to make a sound and now he doesn't. By which I mean the locals at my pub who
00:57are always bringing me stuff to mend. Is it a train set? So join us and our
01:05excitable crew, who will capture our endeavours. That was epic. As we create, make,
01:15that feels like a terrible thing we've just done. Repair, so it's never worked. Not in
01:20my lifetime. And repurpose, in my shed load of ideas. What do you think? This is just brilliant.
01:31Here in Wiltshire, I have time to reflect on those issues that concern us all, such as how
01:45to preserve this beautiful landscape, the muse of England's poets and artists. The rustling
01:53hedgerow, the delightful babbling brook and the abject weeping willow. The heart of the idyll
02:00that nestles in the breast of every English man and woman. Oh, and the fly-tipping site. The blight
02:07of town and country alike. These people disgust me. There are over a million fly-tipping incidents
02:15reported in the UK each year, and they cost local authorities hundreds of millions of pounds
02:20to tidy up. It's a huge problem, but no problem is too huge for me and my two very handy right-hand
02:29men. My trusty engineer, Sim, with his big ideas. Some kind of pivot from this point, anywhere between
02:37here and here. And my ever-ready carpenter, Tony the Tool. Don't worry, I'll just do everything over here.
02:44We'll carry on chatting. And so to my large and well-equipped workshop, where the very
02:50practical magic happens. So we've decided that our revenge on fly-tippers should be poetic.
02:58It is a fly-trap, or a fly-tipper trap, if you like. Taking our inspiration from good old-school
03:05fly paper, which is this stuff. It's really like a very big piece of sticky paper, and you hang it up
03:11in your house. Flies fly into it, because they're stupid, their brains are absolutely minute, and they
03:16stick to it. Ha! And that's the end of them. So we want to do something similar, but that acts on human beings,
03:23which mean... Oh, God. Which means we need a sticky substance that will trap them.
03:31We'll leave Simi to search for something sticky enough to catch our human flies, as Tony and I
03:37move next door to start work on the actual trap. Now we have to devise the trap itself, how it will
03:44be... what would the trendy word be delivered. It's Tony's idea, so Tony will explain.
03:51Collapsible cattle grid. Oh!
03:55So we take a sheet of eight by four. Yes.
03:58We build a frame around it.
04:01Two supports. All our sticky stuff in the middle here.
04:05Mm-hm. Box section. Forming a grid.
04:11Holes. Attached by string.
04:15Go into two pulleys.
04:19And go that way to a single pulley,
04:23with a mechanism that pulls and collapses.
04:26Why is the cattle grid there? Is there a gate?
04:27To stop cattle. No, I know what it does.
04:30But it's not...
04:32Yeah, so it's... usually you dump it...
04:35Usually I've heard people who dump things, dump it in a field.
04:39So, the van pulls up, people get out with the sofa, say,
04:42and they walk across the cattle grid, which is positioned in front of a gate
04:46and therefore is perfectly normal, because you get cattle grids in front of gates.
04:50They throw the sofa into the fly-tipping area,
04:55and it triggers a weighted mechanism. We haven't quite worked that bit out yet, have we?
04:58Which, through this pulley system, concertinas the cattle grid
05:04like a Venetian blind, exposing the sticky stuff.
05:08The panicking fly-tippers run back to their van through here
05:11and are stuck like flies on flypaper.
05:15That's basically it, isn't it?
05:17Easy.
05:19Right, so should we put this on the floor and do a bit of spacing out?
05:21Yeah.
05:23Let's just rough it out.
05:26Tony and I start laying out the steel rods that will eventually become our cattle grid.
05:32How far apart are the rails of a cattle grid?
05:35Does it depend on what sort of animals you've got?
05:38Because cows have got bigger paws than sheep, haven't they?
05:41Obviously, if you're making one for an elephant, you could make them a little bit further apart.
05:48Right, the dilemma is we have to balance authenticity, i.e. the spacing of the rails on the cattle grid,
05:54with the requirements of the mechanism, because it's got to pull all these together over here.
06:00It's quite a weight, isn't it? It's a lot of steel.
06:04I think that gap is too big, but it could be bigger than that one, which it will be when they're evenly spaced,
06:09so there's no getting around this, Tony. We're going to have to do a bit of arithmetic.
06:13So, for our 1,220mm wide cattle grid, we're going to need 10 bars, 107.7mm apart.
06:22Yes, this is an exact science.
06:25Oh, well, our arithmetic is spot on.
06:29Well, nearly.
06:31Nearly.
06:34OK, that's our cattle grid, correctly spaced out.
06:40Come in with the sofa.
06:42Yes, I think that's...
06:45You'd walk across it carefully, cos there's a cattle grid, cos you tend to walk carefully across a cattle grid.
06:50I think, yes, I think we'll get away with that.
06:52Let's mark out the board with the exact positions of our roofing battens.
06:59We can fix those in place.
07:01Mm-hm.
07:02And go from there.
07:05Right, so the concept looks good.
07:07We've just got to make the thing now.
07:10First, Tony and I construct the wooden base frame, keeping a close eye on our maths.
07:15Then we need a bit of help from Simi to cut the steel rods so that Tony and I can drill very precise holes into them,
07:25which we'll thread rope through to collapse the grid, as long as we can keep up with Simi's exacting standards.
07:31Let's put a hole in the middle, right?
07:34I mean, look at that. How in the middle is that?
07:37All is proceeding at pace until...
07:40The problem is...
07:43Well, there's no easy way of putting this. It's Tony.
07:47Sim has spotted that the board isn't perfectly square.
07:50It's just I didn't cut the factory edge off because we were rushing.
07:54I'll just re-cut these.
07:561,790, then.
07:57Or thereabouts.
07:59Thank you, Simi.
08:01And once you've squared off our mistakes, Tony and I thread the poles together with rope,
08:05which will make this cattle grid collapsible.
08:08Ow!
08:09What have you done to that?
08:11We're going to have to flame it again.
08:12And finally, we get to see if our cunning concertina plan actually works.
08:19In three, two, one...
08:23Oh!
08:25Oh, that works! It's beauty!
08:27It doesn't need that much force, either.
08:29Collapsible cattle grid success, but we still need to find some really sticky stuff to fill it with.
08:35We also have to drill all the remaining pieces, devise the weighted mechanism that will close this,
08:41and we have to take the whole thing to a secret location in the countryside,
08:45fill it with our gunk, and then wait.
08:50For now, though, we take a break from our war against fly tippers for a well-earned pint.
08:56And it's now, when I'm at the pub, that people start bringing me their broken stuff that they want me to mend.
09:03In fact, I'm so used to this, I take my toolbox to the pub every time I go.
09:09Hello.
09:10Hi, Kirsty. Hello, Kirsty.
09:11Hi.
09:12What have you got for us?
09:13So, I have got my teddy bear, Peter.
09:16He's 53 years old.
09:18Younger than me.
09:20Definitely younger than me.
09:22And apart from being utterly furless, what is wrong with Peter?
09:27He used to make a sound sort of like a sheep, and now he doesn't.
09:32He's been in a loft for 35-plus years.
09:36Poor sod.
09:37Yeah.
09:38Is it one of those where you do that and it...
09:39Yeah.
09:40You can hear it?
09:42Oh, yeah.
09:43Whatever that is.
09:44Something's moving.
09:45Yeah.
09:46What noise did it make?
09:47It was like a sheep, like a bar.
09:49I think...
09:50Well, I do know somebody who used to run a thing called Teddy Bear Hospital and these old bears, they've usually got a moving weight and some sort of bellows.
09:57They used to be classified as squeakers and growlers.
10:00Right.
10:01One of them had a reed and the other one had...
10:04Some kind of diaphragm or...
10:06Yeah.
10:07Something like that.
10:08So, you want us to try and make the sound work again?
10:10If you could, that would be lovely.
10:12And you've had him since you were how old?
10:15Before I was born, my grandmother gave it to my mother while she was pregnant with me.
10:21So, it predates you?
10:22Yeah.
10:23The teddy was waiting for you as you popped out of the womb?
10:25He was.
10:27And are these your initials?
10:28They are my initials, yeah.
10:29My mum stitched them in because he used to go everywhere with me.
10:32I've got a picture of him, actually.
10:35Oh, that's when he still had his fur.
10:38Yeah.
10:39And his head was on properly.
10:40Yes.
10:42At what point did Peter lose his speech?
10:46I have no idea.
10:47He's travelled with me.
10:48I was in the army and he came everywhere with me.
10:51And then he ended up in a loft and I thought I'd lost him.
10:58And then I got him back about three months ago and he doesn't make any sound.
11:03How would you feel about us opening Peter up?
11:08That's fine.
11:09Are you sure?
11:10Yeah.
11:11We'll have to ask you to sign a consent form.
11:13Absolutely.
11:14And a do not resuscitate.
11:16Oh, look, there is my special superpower magnifying spectacles.
11:20And there is a scalpel.
11:23Has this been opened before?
11:25Not that I know of, no.
11:26How are you feeling about this, Kirsty?
11:28I'm slightly nervous.
11:30Whoop.
11:31Oh, swab.
11:33We found something that has not been exposed to the light since the early 1970s.
11:38Can I put my finger in?
11:40You might want to look away.
11:41I am.
11:43My God, it's huge.
11:45We need a bigger hole.
11:46We need a bigger hole.
11:47I'm actually getting nervous.
11:50Here it comes.
12:00Is that the noise it used to make?
12:02Slightly.
12:04But longer?
12:05Longer, yeah.
12:07Simeon, afford him some dignity.
12:11We'll put him in the recovery position.
12:13OK, we will take this back to the workshop, Kirsty.
12:15We will mend it, reinsert it in the bowels of Peter.
12:21Simi will stitch him back together.
12:23He will be returned to you, growling as he did in your youth,
12:27and you will never know, and neither will he, that anything had ever happened.
12:31Excellent.
12:33Either that or it will go wrong and we'll chuck him on the bonfire.
12:36Please don't.
12:37Will we be able to perform this important and life-saving operation?
12:42Will Peter growl again?
12:50Ah, Wiltshire, the beautiful countryside.
12:53But did you know that every 27 seconds somebody ruins it by fly-tipping,
12:58causing damage to farmland and wildlife?
13:01Luckily, Tony, Simi and I have come up with a cunning plan involving a collapsible cattle grid,
13:09that will expose a sticky substance beneath to stop our fly-tippers in their tracks.
13:14Now we just have to select our gunk.
13:17The options we have arrived at are cornflour, epoxy resin, and this one, which is a mastic,
13:28so it remains plastic and sticky. Is that right?
13:32Yeah.
13:34What should we try? Should we try cornflour?
13:36I mean, cornflour, isn't it thixotropic?
13:39So if they run across a cornflour mix quickly, they will simply...
13:42Go across it.
13:43Yes, they'll sink.
13:46How much should we put in?
13:47Let's put it all in.
13:48Put it all in.
13:49Do you think? Yeah.
13:53The cornflour is weird stuff, I think. I don't like using it in the kitchen.
13:58It's useful, though. It is useful.
13:59I mean, it's a crafty way to thicken up your cheese sauce.
14:02That is quite...
14:04So it's solid.
14:06But if you put gentle pressure, you sink.
14:10Ooh!
14:11It's quite nice, actually.
14:14And then it just goes liquid.
14:15The trouble with this, it's so much fun, you'd find millions of fly-tippers just frolicking in your cornflour.
14:22This cornflour and water goo is non-Newtonian, meaning it doesn't follow Newton's laws,
14:29as it can act as both a solid and a liquid.
14:32And handily for us, this ambiguity makes it very sticky.
14:36Shall we put it on the floor and put some shoe covers on?
14:38Who wants to try?
14:40We can try one each.
14:42Off to you.
14:43I'll do this one, then, so.
14:44Make sure you use the right foot.
14:45Yeah, good thinking, Batman.
14:46So you've thrown your sofa away, or your fridge, or whatever.
14:59Fly-tipped.
15:00Nobody saw that.
15:01I'm off.
15:02It's not very good.
15:08What's the drag on your foot there?
15:09No, it's...
15:11It's pretty grippy.
15:12But I don't know that you'll necessarily get stuck.
15:14The idea is that the fly-tipper is stuck to the fly-tipper trap.
15:19I mean, let's reserve judgement until we've tried a few other things.
15:23Shall we try the mastic?
15:26So it never sets.
15:27No.
15:28It remains plastic, in the true sense, and hopefully quite sticky.
15:32Shall I?
15:33Yes, carry on.
15:37It looks sticky.
15:39It does look sticky.
15:40This particular mastic forms an elastic, watertight sealant
15:44that sticks firmly to wood, metal, concrete, and, we hope, humans.
15:51This smells fantastic.
15:54Has anybody got any Bob Dylan records?
15:57Right.
15:59Whose turn is it to try?
16:01Are you going to do it, Tony?
16:02Yeah, I'll do it.
16:03Yeah, go on, Tony.
16:06Are you going to put both feet in?
16:07Yeah, I want to get splashes on my trainers.
16:10So, remember to method act.
16:17What are you dumping, Tony?
16:18A telly.
16:19A telly, okay.
16:21Whoa, we've done that before.
16:23Whoa!
16:25Hey, that looked like it could be quite good.
16:28Wow.
16:29It's slippy as well.
16:30Really slippy.
16:32That's really sticky.
16:33Oh, that's pretty good.
16:35That's very good.
16:37So, the mastic works, but because Simmy hates to feel left out, we decide to let him test the epoxy resin option.
16:44Also, he's got a bit of a thing about shoe covers.
16:47Are you ready, Sim?
16:48Right.
16:49With your big fridge, and action.
16:50I've got my fridge.
16:51All over the hedge it goes.
16:54Oh, ****.
16:55That's not very good.
16:56It's not very good, is it?
16:57It's also all over the floor.
16:58It is all over the floor.
16:59It's very slippery.
17:00So, that's not ideal, is it?
17:01No.
17:02It's rubbish.
17:04So, to conclude this scene, men, because we've wanted to do it, you have one. Are you ready? In three, two, one.
17:20The mastic is a clear winner. It's the stickiest, that we agreed.
17:30Absolutely.
17:31Right, so that's what we'll do.
17:33Once that sticky mastic is added to our cattle grid fly trap, we may just be able to protect rural littles up and down the country from the blight of fly tipping.
17:46But there's another danger threatening the countryside, and that's the worrying demise of pub games.
17:52As a landlord myself, I'm not keen on fruit machines and dreary pub quizzes.
17:58But what about revisiting one of the old standards?
18:02The game of darts, it's essential to the formation of England's character.
18:11Because without our prowess at darts, we wouldn't have been good at archery and defeated the French at Agincourt, for example.
18:17Now, this is a standard dartboard, probably the one you're familiar with.
18:21It's got doubles on the outside, trebles on the inner ring, and then a bull and a double bull.
18:26But there are other types of dartboard. For example, there is a Yorkshire dartboard, which only has the doubles.
18:32And then there's a Manchester dartboard, which has the numbers in a different order.
18:35There's also a Bath dartboard, which has some extra scoring areas around the outside, and so on and so on.
18:42Wiltshire does not have its own dartboard, so we thought maybe we'd come up with one.
18:49What do you think, Tony?
18:51Er, yeah. What would you do, though?
18:54When I was a kid, me and my brother used to play drop darts, where you put the dartboard on the floor.
19:01We actually used to do it out of the bedroom window, with the dartboard down below in the garden.
19:07Let's try holding it by the... Oh, shot! Is it in?
19:12No, it's 25.
19:14Miles off.
19:16Yeah.
19:17I mean...
19:19It involves a lot of bending down, though.
19:22What if the dartboard starts rotating?
19:26Imagine how difficult it would be to throw at a rotating darts board.
19:30Yeah! That'd be... Yeah, we could do that. That'd be fun.
19:35Obviously, because we are, in fact, engineers, we need to test out the concept.
19:40OK, so stand on the Occy, but about two feet back from the Occy.
19:46Oh, I don't want to throw a dart at you like that.
19:48No, no.
19:49Oh!
19:51You ready?
19:53You having a laugh?
19:55No.
20:00Yes, three on the board.
20:02OK, now it's my turn.
20:05Crap rolling.
20:11Crap rolling.
20:12It's supposed to go over there.
20:13You deflected it with your first dart.
20:15So the rotation idea works, but not rolling the board.
20:20Now we need Simi's help to try and make the board rotate in space.
20:24Shall we have a beer?
20:26Good idea.
20:27While Tony and I head off for a pint, Simi throws himself into creating a mechanism that will rotate our Wiltshire dart board.
20:35First, he attaches a rotary switch to a wooden frame, and then he rigs up a variable speed controller before, after a quick swig, soldering together a small motor with a manual switch.
20:51Then he attaches a battery, has another essential beer break, and finally tests the rotating mechanism that will eventually attach to the dart board, which we'll try out later, once Simi's joined us in the garden for another pint.
21:07Exciting.
21:08You find me back in my Wiltshire pub, and for good reason.
21:22There isn't enough entertainment in the pub, especially since I've banned Morris dancers and minstrels, so we're looking at how to refresh the greatest of all pub games.
21:34With the introduction of the Wiltshire dart board, allow me to show it to you.
21:39Here it is, hanging on the wall at the regulation height, with the 20 at the top, where you'd expect.
21:46My two players, if you'd like to take the occi, gentlemen, then you will remember where you were when you first saw this, because the game of darts was changed forever.
21:59There it goes.
22:01The rotating Wiltshire dart board.
22:04Doesn't look like much, but it makes the game extremely difficult, and let's be honest, it wasn't easy to start with.
22:10We're playing highest score, three darts, your throw, sir.
22:13It's making me dizzy.
22:14Here's the 20, but it's going round and round, you see, because it's the Wiltshire dart board.
22:18Rubbish.
22:19Oh, he's going for the bull.
22:21Oh, it's tricky.
22:2343.
22:2512.
22:26Oh.
22:2719.
22:29Oh, rubbish.
22:30James, come on.
22:31Do your best.
22:37Oh!
22:38And again.
22:4134.
22:42Yeah.
22:43Oh.
22:44No.
22:45No.
22:46No.
22:47No.
22:48No.
22:49No.
22:50No.
22:51No.
22:52No.
22:53No, no, no, no.
22:54Right, I'm speeding it up for round two.
22:55Oh.
22:56Yes.
22:57Oh.
22:58Yes.
22:59Wow.
23:00Oh, he's got 60.
23:04I didn't believe I missed the ball, James.
23:07I've only got this one left, and I have to score 29 or more.
23:18That means the winner is Sim.
23:21But this invention wasn't meant just to entertain the three of us.
23:25It has to work on the seething, roaring mass that is the general public.
23:31Let's see if any of the locals would like to play Wiltshire darts.
23:37Hmm, no.
23:39It's not looking good.
23:41Well, yes, you're right. It's not good. It's 24.
23:48That's nothing.
23:49At least I tried.
23:50Five, six, ten.
23:59Congratulations. That's truly terrible.
24:04Eight.
24:06Oh, dear.
24:07That's 17, sir.
24:09That's very poor.
24:11I hope you don't mind me saying.
24:13Scores may be low, but the game is a huge hit with the regulars,
24:16and also, it turns out, with our film crew,
24:19with producer Lucy very keen to play.
24:24You've thrown it away.
24:26As everybody rushes to stand in front of the board for their own safety,
24:30it's probably time to sum this up.
24:32I'm not entirely sure what to say about Wiltshire darts,
24:35apart from that it's excellent.
24:40That's one successful step along the path to revitalise British pub entertainment,
24:46and I've got plenty more ideas up my sleeve.
24:49But now, we must return to the pressing matter of Kirsty's Bear,
24:53who, after years in the loft,
24:55has lost his growl,
24:58and Simi and I have been entrusted with the weighty task
25:01of giving Peter his voice back.
25:03Right, viewers, our mission today
25:05is to provide Peter the Bear, beloved of Kirsty,
25:09with a more impressive...
25:11..one of those.
25:13According to Kirsty, it was originally louder and longer,
25:17and we may be able to improve the sound as well.
25:20We've never done this before, oddly.
25:26First, we need to remove Peter's growl box to see how it works.
25:31What if we made that just twice as long,
25:35and this twice as long,
25:36and then you'd get a longer...
25:38So it is, it's like...
25:44Oh, God.
25:48It's got a very simple reed there,
25:51similar to something you would find in a crude musical instrument.
25:54And this seems to be some sort of very, very simple amplifier.
25:58We could remake that...
26:02Bigger.
26:02..much bigger and much longer.
26:05There's a lot of room.
26:06There's tons of room.
26:06It could go right down to his...
26:08..and up to his neck.
26:10So we could, you know,
26:11we could put an enormous growler in there.
26:18Yes.
26:19Right, that's the plan.
26:21We're going to remake it bigger and better,
26:25which, in terms of a teddy bear growl, means longer.
26:29To see if we can give Peter a larger, longer growl,
26:32Sim and I want to see what happens
26:34when we elongate the sandbox's journey
26:37by throwing it down the longest tube we can find,
26:40three metres of cylindrical polyvinyl chloride.
26:43Is everybody ready?
26:44Also known as a drainpipe.
26:47Let her go.
26:47I think it needs to be totally upright.
27:06That was epic!
27:09Nice!
27:10You're trying with the shorter length?
27:11Yes.
27:12So Peter's growler needs to be...
27:14Oh, yeah?
27:14Yeah.
27:15OK.
27:15Now we've established how big we can make Peter's new growler,
27:19we cut it to size.
27:23Let's just see how long a growl we get.
27:28It's got to be a bit sad enough.
27:31To slow the movement of the growler
27:34and thus lengthen the growl,
27:35we need some sort of fabric cap with holes punched through.
27:40That's a bit on the wonk, isn't it?
27:43I mean, it doesn't matter.
27:43I mean, no one's ever going to see it
27:45because it's going to be deep in Peter's bowel.
27:48Apart from all the people watching it on television, obviously.
27:51I think to get a result,
27:53we need to tape this on to the end
27:55to seal that one end.
27:57The noise goes in that way?
27:59Yeah.
28:02Why, how could that...
28:04Is there a plan B at this point?
28:14No.
28:15No.
28:18OK.
28:20Anyway, we're not going to give up.
28:22Luckily, Simi, ever the optimist,
28:24has an idea that might help create the sound,
28:27and it involves a pair of black rubber gloves.
28:31We're making a replacement bellow.
28:34The old one is rather elaborate.
28:38We're not sure what material it is.
28:40It's almost like a waxed paper,
28:44but it has been ironed
28:45so that it has effectively a helix in it.
28:50So it's ironed in two directions.
28:52So it's got ridges on the outside and the inside,
28:55but that seems unnecessarily complicated
28:57in a world of modern materials,
28:59such as rubber gloves.
29:00So we're making it out of the rubber glove.
29:02The theory here is that the rubber glove
29:05should fill with air
29:06and force it past the reed,
29:08which makes the sound.
29:11OK.
29:12Are we ready?
29:13I'm slightly...
29:14No.
29:24Damn, c***.
29:25How can that not work?
29:27The addition of the bellows has made...
29:30Let's have a look.
29:32The growlers stick in the tube.
29:34Oh, is that what it's doing?
29:39That's so feeble.
29:42Situation update on Peter the teddy bear.
29:45Situation update is that
29:47since Peter the bear
29:49was admitted to our bear growler hospital,
29:52his condition has deteriorated.
29:56Some of his stuffing's come out.
29:59He's got a massive wound in his spine
30:01and his voice doesn't work any more.
30:03But apart from that...
30:04It's not easy, is it?
30:06I hate this bear.
30:09So our attempts at repairing
30:11Peter's existing growl box
30:13have run adrift.
30:14But we can't let Kirstie and her precious bear down.
30:18And so, after some deliberation,
30:20Sim and I decide that desperate times
30:22call for desperate measures.
30:25Are you sitting comfortably, children?
30:27Kirstie had a very special bear called Peter.
30:31And Peter could growl like a proper grown-up bear.
30:35But one day, Peter's growl failed
30:38and Kirstie sent poor Peter to Simeon James
30:41to be repaired.
30:42It's proved rather difficult because
30:46Peter's reed is bent and worn out,
30:48his bellows have perished.
30:49But of course, you know all that, children,
30:51because you've been on this incredible adventure
30:54with us.
30:56But now,
30:57Simi and James have had to do something
30:59they've never done before on this show,
31:02which is,
31:03order a spare part and fit that instead.
31:05Here it is.
31:06Commercially available growler
31:07from a bear specialist.
31:11Peter can growl again.
31:16And now,
31:18Mr Oakley the surgeon
31:19is going to sew it into Peter
31:22and nobody need ever know.
31:25It's our secret.
31:28There you go, Sim.
31:29Thank you very much.
31:30Once Simi has sewn up,
31:31the patient will send him to convalesce,
31:34the bear, I mean,
31:35before returning him to Kirstie,
31:37as good as new.
31:39Well, almost.
31:43You rejoin us in Wiltshire,
31:46where I'm coming up with ideas
31:47to solve problems big and small
31:49that bother us all.
31:51Whether that's flytippers
31:52ruining the glorious countryside,
31:54or that your lunch is just lacking
31:56that certain something.
31:59We have identified a problem,
32:01which is that you go out to a pub
32:03or a restaurant and you have some food
32:05and it's all jolly nice,
32:06but you think,
32:06I'd like a little bit of garnish on that.
32:09What if you could take the garnish with you
32:11and then you could garnish
32:12whatever it was you were eating wherever?
32:15So we thought,
32:16why not incorporate them
32:17into an item of clothing?
32:19To wit,
32:20a hat.
32:20You see,
32:21you see this rests very conveniently on your head.
32:24If the brim were full of soil and herbs,
32:26you could merely pluck one
32:28and add it to your cheesy pasta.
32:32So,
32:32join me as we make the world's first herb hat.
32:39This is harder than it looks.
32:44The problem I'm experiencing
32:46is that the brim of the hat
32:48is not as deep
32:49as the typical English garden herb bed.
32:54So maybe we need to get rid of some bigger...
32:57And maybe make the soil a bit wetter.
32:59But don't I have to retain the root?
33:02Yes,
33:02but if you just...
33:03So if we get rid of those boys
33:05and keep that one in its root...
33:07What,
33:07and discard those?
33:09I think snip that off.
33:10I always have my comedy
33:11carrot-shaped Japanese scissors
33:13in my pocket,
33:14fortunately.
33:16I snip those off.
33:18We're now getting somewhere
33:19with the herb hat,
33:20compacted soil
33:21and a sprig of basil.
33:25I've been on television
33:26quite a long time now.
33:27I think it's about 25 years.
33:29And because I understand
33:30the basics of television,
33:31I know that we're going to skip forward
33:33to a comedy shot of me
33:34approaching my own pub
33:34with a hat full of herbs on my head.
33:36And here I am.
33:42Afternoon.
33:43Afternoon.
33:43Ham, egg and chips.
33:45Yes.
33:46Epic.
33:47Nice hat, James.
33:49Yeah, you're rocking that.
33:55Sorry.
33:56It was a bit of a breeze.
33:59Would you like some
34:00Garni?
34:02Have you got any coriander?
34:04I have.
34:05I believe it's...
34:06there, isn't it?
34:07Yes.
34:07May I?
34:08Yes, of course.
34:09Here are the exquisite
34:09Japanese scissors.
34:15Sim, anything you'd like?
34:16A little basil would be nice.
34:18Basil is...
34:20Ooh.
34:20Can Tony reach that?
34:21Ooh, ooh.
34:22Is that enough?
34:23Yeah.
34:24I think ham, egg and chips,
34:26I would like...
34:27I'd like a few chives
34:28on my eggs and my chips.
34:31Allow me.
34:34Here you go.
34:35Thanks awfully.
34:37What do you think of my hat?
34:39I mean, be honest.
34:40Well, honest.
34:41Yeah, yeah.
34:43I mean, you look like
34:44words of gummage, but...
34:45It's a bit Morristian,
34:47isn't it?
34:47It's actually very useful.
34:48It's a top hat.
34:50You see what I did there?
34:54I'd say this works.
34:57It's a little uncomfortable,
34:59but it's very achievable at home.
35:00All you need is a hat,
35:02some nutrient-rich soil,
35:05some herbs,
35:07a low sense of self-esteem.
35:11Robert's your mother's brother.
35:13Next,
35:15spice shoes.
35:17No, that's ridiculous.
35:19Shoes covered in spices
35:20would just look stupid.
35:23Meanwhile,
35:24here are some lovely shots
35:25of the Wiltshire countryside,
35:27and we're hoping to keep it that way,
35:29with our cunning invention
35:30to stop the curse of fly-tipping.
35:32We return to the fly-tipper fly-trap.
35:39Fly-tipping is becoming a blight.
35:41In the countryside,
35:41we have devised a way
35:42of catching people in the act.
35:44It is essentially a fly-trap.
35:47It's based on the idea
35:48of a retracting cattle grid
35:49that exposes a very sticky substance
35:52that traps the miscreants
35:54so that they can be apprehended
35:56and then they can pay their debt to society.
35:59Now, in a previous instalment,
36:00we proved the principle
36:01of the retracting cattle grid,
36:03and now we've set it up
36:04in this fly-tipping area.
36:06It's already full of junk.
36:08It's a very popular location.
36:10You know,
36:10saw horses,
36:11old records players,
36:12speakers,
36:13badminton bats,
36:14and so on,
36:15and amongst it
36:15is a fairly typical old bicycle.
36:17Or is it?
36:18No, it isn't.
36:20It is actually the trigger mechanism
36:22for the whole thing.
36:23Let me explain to you how it works.
36:24When our fly-tippers approach,
36:26they walk over the cattle grid,
36:27which is closed,
36:28and it's outside a gate,
36:29they suspect nothing.
36:30And they lob whatever it is,
36:32their bread-maker,
36:33whatever,
36:34over here,
36:35and it hits this trigger string.
36:37This trigger string,
36:39via this pulley here,
36:42pulls on this hinged piece of wood,
36:45which releases
36:46the front brake of the bicycle.
36:49The front wheel,
36:50now free to rotate,
36:51begins to rotate
36:52under the tension
36:53of this bungee cord
36:55until the sledgehammer,
36:56which is attached to the wheel,
36:58passes top dead centre,
37:00and then gravity
37:01does its work.
37:03The rotation of the wheel
37:04and the extra torque
37:05provided by the sledgehammer
37:07operates this pulley system,
37:09which retracts
37:10the cattle grid.
37:11They think,
37:12we got away with that,
37:13run away,
37:13stuck,
37:14we turn up with clubs
37:15and beat them to death.
37:16Now,
37:16we're going to test this out
37:17with some fictitious fly-tippers.
37:19This is not real,
37:19this is a set-up,
37:20but me,
37:21Tony,
37:21and Simi
37:22to see if it works
37:23are going to watch
37:24from over there
37:25behind the wall.
37:26If you didn't understand
37:27the explanation,
37:28don't worry,
37:29we're filming it all
37:29with little cameras
37:30and we'll do a slow motion
37:31action replay
37:33and you can see it all
37:34working in graphic detail.
37:36Right,
37:37are we ready?
37:39Let's prime the trap.
37:42So,
37:43a few redesigned
37:44and repurposed
37:45bits of junk
37:46could,
37:46if we've got
37:47our calculations correct,
37:49trigger our trap
37:50and catch some fly-tippers
37:51in the world's
37:52first ever
37:53fly-tipping,
37:54fly-trap.
37:55It's quite sticky.
37:56Patent pending.
37:58Right,
37:59I think we can go
38:00and hide.
38:12So,
38:13the trap is set
38:14and,
38:15as if by magic,
38:16a mysterious van
38:18pulls up.
38:19Oh,
38:19he's stopping.
38:20He is,
38:21he is.
38:21Oh,
38:22he's got to be one.
38:24That's a really
38:25tatty van,
38:25that's always a sign.
38:27He's getting out.
38:28Oh,
38:28they've got hoodies on.
38:30Oh,
38:30look at them,
38:31dirty fly-tippers.
38:33Yes,
38:33dirty fly-tippers
38:34that do look remarkably
38:36like members
38:37of our crew.
38:38What is it?
38:39What is it?
38:39Washing machine?
38:40It's a bloody mattress.
38:41Mattress.
38:43God.
38:44I've got a kettle-grade door.
38:46There you go.
38:47Yes,
38:48yes,
38:48yes,
38:49oh.
38:49Oh,
38:49yes.
38:51Yes.
38:51Got you.
39:05That's so good.
39:08It actually works.
39:10Oi,
39:10fly-tippers,
39:12you're in a fly-trap
39:13and you're going down.
39:14Well done then,
39:18that is fantastic.
39:20That's good job.
39:20That's an absurd idea,
39:22but it works.
39:24And as promised,
39:25here it is
39:26in glorious slow motion.
39:28It may be a prototype,
39:29but the principle
39:30is sound.
39:31Fly-tippers
39:32can be caught
39:33like flies in a trap
39:34and that
39:35is engineering
39:36and poetic success.
39:42So,
39:43we've solved
39:43fly-tipping,
39:44pub entertainment
39:45garnishing
39:46on the move,
39:48but we've really struggled
39:49trying to fix
39:50Peter the bear,
39:51whose growler
39:52was no longer
39:53fit for purpose.
39:55I never imagined
39:55I would end up
39:57being involved
39:57in the repair
39:58of a teddy bear.
39:59I was expecting
40:00clocks or
40:01lawnmowers,
40:03you know.
40:03Not teddies.
40:04Not a teddy bear.
40:06What a pain.
40:07I'll be quite glad
40:08to see the back of him.
40:10Aw,
40:10I'll miss Peter.
40:11I can see the back
40:12of him now.
40:13I don't know
40:13how she's going to react
40:14when we
40:14admit that we haven't
40:16really mended him
40:17as such.
40:18What happens
40:18if she throws one?
40:20I don't think
40:20she will.
40:21You think so?
40:22No.
40:23What we've actually
40:23done here
40:23is a transplant.
40:25We have.
40:25And a successful one.
40:26and that's really
40:27and that's really the
40:27cutting edge
40:28of teddy bear medicine.
40:36Hello.
40:36Hello.
40:37Hello.
40:38Have a seat.
40:38Nice to see you again.
40:40Hi.
40:41Here is Roger.
40:43Peter.
40:44Peter.
40:44Have you missed him?
40:47I've missed him a lot.
40:48Have you?
40:49I have.
40:49Well, it's strange.
40:50We've become very familiar
40:51with Peter.
40:53He's been a constant
40:54lurking presence
40:55in our lives
40:56and looked after
40:58very carefully
40:58of course.
40:59I'm glad.
40:59I'm glad you did.
41:00Well, do you want to know
41:01what we've done?
41:02Yes, please.
41:03Well, the simmy
41:03began the quite
41:05difficult operation
41:05with a long incision
41:07down his spine.
41:08Yeah.
41:09And then we successfully
41:11removed his growler.
41:12Yes.
41:12And that's where
41:13things became
41:14a bit difficult.
41:15It had sort of
41:15disintegrated a bit
41:17and his growler
41:18wasn't very strong
41:19anymore.
41:20No.
41:20And we looked at
41:21making a longer tube
41:23and a bigger bellows.
41:24We tried various fabrics.
41:26We tried a rubber glove.
41:27Sounds a bit complicated.
41:29It was complicated.
41:29He was on the table
41:30for hours
41:31and at one point
41:31we thought we might lose him.
41:33That's him.
41:35Eventually,
41:36we consulted
41:37well,
41:39a consultant
41:39teddy bear surgeon
41:41who said
41:43I'm afraid
41:44he had to have
41:44a new growler
41:45so he's had
41:46a transplant.
41:49OK.
41:50But if you'd like
41:51to tip him
41:52on his back...
41:52Oh, it's the same.
42:02It sounds exactly
42:03the same.
42:07If you tip him
42:12right back
42:13and wait
42:14for a bit
42:15for the
42:15router to extend
42:17and then...
42:19It sounds just
42:21like a telephone.
42:24So you're pleased.
42:26Very pleased.
42:26Thank you so much.
42:30So good.
42:31I'm delighted
42:32that you're pleased.
42:33I'm very pleased
42:34because I thought
42:35I'd lost him
42:35for a long, long time
42:36and now he sounds
42:38exactly like he did
42:39when I was a child
42:40so, yeah,
42:41he's quite emotional.
42:45Well, you can take him
42:46back to your home
42:48and enjoy the rest
42:49of your lives together.
42:50I will.
42:51Thank you so much.
42:52It's really appreciated.
42:53That's OK.
42:53It's a pleasure.
42:55Thank you very much.
42:57Bye.
42:57Bye.
42:58Bring him back
42:58when his head
42:59falls off.
43:03Can you see her?
43:04She's properly delighted.
43:06That bear is loved
43:07and if we as humanity
43:09could love each other
43:10the way Kirstie
43:11loves that bear
43:12everything would be OK
43:14apart from for me.
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