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00:00Today, the sun was out, the cobblers were riding high, nothing was gonna spoil her day.
00:06Judith!
00:10Nothing.
00:12Hi, Jill!
00:15Nothing.
00:16Morning. Anything for me?
00:18Oh, sod on.
00:20Okay, maybe that would.
00:21Did the cobblers lose on Saturday?
00:23Oh, it'd be Cardiff City 3-2.
00:25You were there. Raph gave us a penalty last minute.
00:28Ah, bless him.
00:29If we won, why am I getting funny looks from everyone?
00:32It's those earmuffs. I've told you not to wear them.
00:35I don't!
00:36The muffs fell off. It's more of an Alice band now.
00:39I swear the lollipop lady gave me evils.
00:43Ask public enemy number one.
00:46Oh.
00:47I just spoke to the cron about being a football manager's wife.
00:50Your dad thinks I said too much.
00:52Oh.
00:53Okay.
00:54I see a lot of envy in the street, and that hurts.
00:57I am a person, you know. Cut me. I bleed.
01:01Well, I do.
01:02A friendly wife from me brightens up the most mundane of Mondays
01:06for me neighbours.
01:09What were you thinking, Mum?
01:11I didn't say that.
01:12I said Tuesdays. They're twisting my words.
01:14Newspapers don't lie.
01:15And when it comes to me sons, me Alan's a slave to the prune jewels.
01:20He gets very banged up.
01:22One little comment.
01:23Why are you bringing up me constipation in a froth piece?
01:26It's a good job Alan and Gary don't want to be footballers.
01:28Their wives have to put up with this every time they open their mouths.
01:32My mum was wry. I couldn't follow in me dad's footsteps for my wife's sake.
01:42But I was on a different path, and in a matter of moments I'd know exactly what path that was.
01:52Jake, what'd you get?
01:53Architect.
01:54Architect.
01:55Oh, nice.
01:56Like Tom Selleck and three men in a bag.
01:58Oi, oi, oi, bum boy.
01:59You're all falling off Alan.
02:00Oh, Mum, stick a prune up my arse.
02:02Oh, please, Mummy. It won't come out.
02:09So this was it.
02:10Next two.
02:11Questionnaire completed, and a computer had decided our futures.
02:15The job you'd be doing until the day you died.
02:19Chambermaid?
02:21She wanted a career in the sciences.
02:23Oh, she will be working with chemicals.
02:25Jif, Domestos and Alan.
02:28We all know where this is going.
02:30But will it be comedian, presenter, muse, national treasure?
02:33I can't go to prison.
02:36Would a grammar school pupil get prisoner?
02:38Where is the ambition?
02:40No, Kate, prison warden.
02:42True.
02:43There it was, in black and white.
02:45Prison warden.
02:46What a slap in the face.
02:48It's like the hopes and dreams had been put on death row.
02:51You do get a uniform?
02:52I can't wear it at all, grey.
02:54Look at me!
02:55I need a pop of colour.
02:57I know I tick working indoors and meeting interesting people,
03:00but I meant socialites and celebrities.
03:03Not shoplifters and serial killers.
03:06He deserves a second chance.
03:07I'm afraid the computer doesn't lie.
03:09No, love, don't worry about it.
03:11I'll get something worse.
03:13What's worse than that?
03:14Careers advisor.
03:16Come on, Kate, grab your satchel.
03:19I think we've heard quite enough.
03:22Shut the door, please.
03:24I'm crossing the picket line here.
03:25Social suicide.
03:26Just checking you're alright.
03:27What with the article.
03:28I know you've had hate mail.
03:29No.
03:30No, I haven't.
03:31It's coming.
03:32Look, I doubt most of them have even read it.
03:33Oh, Christine, there's been a meeting.
03:34I don't want to speak for the whole street,
03:35but the words lady muck were used.
03:36Cow.
03:37Silly cow.
03:38Rude cow.
03:39Any more.
03:40Oh, it's all in the minutes.
03:41I did try to defend you.
03:42I said she's not being rude.
03:43She's just a bit thick.
03:44But they've got the pitchforks out, I'm afraid.
03:45This is just what happens with success.
03:46People turn around.
03:47I don't know.
03:48I don't know.
03:49I don't know.
03:50I don't know.
03:51I don't know.
03:52I don't know.
03:53I don't know.
03:54I don't know.
03:55I don't know.
03:56I don't know.
03:57I don't know.
03:58I don't know.
03:59I don't know.
04:00I don't know.
04:01I don't know.
04:04I mean, look at Fergie.
04:07Oh, Christine, that's it.
04:08You've got to do what the royals do.
04:10What?
04:11Open a supermarket?
04:12No.
04:13Have a garden party.
04:14They let all the plebs in for the afternoon.
04:15Look at their pot plants.
04:16Then no one minds that they cosy up to dictators
04:18and marry their cousins.
04:19Well, they're not going to come if they hate me that much, are they?
04:21Christine, they'd go to Saddam Hussein's house
04:23if he was giving them a free burger.
04:25Right.
04:26You think on it, yeah?
04:34Oh, what's up, darling?
04:38Molly from 26.
04:40Oh!
04:41Hi, Molly.
04:42Welcome.
04:43And bye, Diane.
04:45Oh, Diane.
04:46Thanks for coming.
04:47Oh!
04:48Oh, you shouldn't have.
04:49Not good enough, eh?
04:51I'll drink it myself.
04:53Gee.
04:54Oh.
04:55Strong start.
04:56Well, come to something if you know you're going to hate it.
04:58I'm not going to watch the couplers every week.
05:00It's true.
05:01Graham!
05:02Door!
05:03Right?
05:04Look, if you want to invite anyone, you can always use our phone.
05:21Call a friend?
05:23Bradley?
05:24Oh!
05:25Or Jake.
05:26Jake, maybe.
05:27Jake only lives 0.7 miles from here.
05:29Yeah, why didn't you call him?
05:32Mum said she'll give me a fiver if I stay for an hour.
05:36Right.
05:37OK, there you go.
05:38Uh...
05:39Solid bar.
05:40I'll have a burger, please.
05:41Mmm...
05:42No, no, no.
05:43Are you all right, mate?
05:44Yeah.
05:45What are those?
05:46Ah, burger.
05:47Right.
05:48Over here.
05:49Right.
05:50Over here.
05:51Right.
05:52Good.
05:53Good.
05:54Good.
05:55Good.
05:56Good.
05:58Good.
05:59Good.
06:00All right, darling.
06:05Good.
06:10Did you move my sausages?
06:15All right, lads.
06:16Oh, something smells good.
06:18Oh, I'm Tom.
06:19All right, Tom.
06:20Graham.
06:21Tom, Nigel Hudson.
06:22How you doing?
06:22You all right?
06:23You after a burger?
06:25Oh, no, no, no.
06:26I'm on the job.
06:27Boss will catch me slacking.
06:28I saw the skip out front.
06:30Best years of my life, working on a building site.
06:32Babe magnet, aren't you?
06:32Sitting up there with her legs swinging.
06:34Tell my Ange.
06:36She wolf whistled me.
06:38Right.
06:39And what do you do now?
06:41Insoles.
06:42Yeah, we're number one supplier in the West Midlands area.
06:45Big demand for insoles, then.
06:47Just a bit, mate.
06:49I mean, look around her.
06:50How many feet are here?
06:51You've got, what, 20 old guests, two feet each?
06:54Let's...
06:54That's a lot of feet.
07:00Yeah.
07:00No, it sure is.
07:02What about you, Graham?
07:04What do you do?
07:05Oh, here we go.
07:06Go on here, tell him.
07:07I'm a football manager.
07:10Northampton Town.
07:11Cobblers.
07:11Never.
07:13Really?
07:14Yeah.
07:15God, you guys are doing pretty well.
07:17Yeah, I'm doing all right.
07:18They're really chucking that, don't you, Sean?
07:21This is my eldest, Alan.
07:23Alan, this is Tom.
07:24He's next door's builder.
07:27Hello, Tom.
07:28You, uh, you're going to play football like your old man?
07:30Not unless they build a pitch in strange ways.
07:32Oh, his careers advisor says he's going to be a prison warden.
07:35Oh.
07:36Computers don't, they?
07:37Oh, come off it.
07:39Computers can't predict the future.
07:41My wife can.
07:42Mm-hmm.
07:43Yeah, you know, Deb, she can, you know, see things.
07:50And she's right every time.
07:52She knew I needed a root canal months before the dentist.
07:55I'm trying to get her on to you, bet.
07:58But she doesn't like to shout about it.
07:59It's true, Dave, you're psychic.
08:01What did I just say?
08:02I'd say, Roy.
08:03Who needed a computer when you had a chain-smoking,
08:06Cardi-wearing oracle at your fingertips?
08:12I come bearing gifts.
08:20Well, gift.
08:21Oh.
08:22Oh, I'm your new neighbour, Jess.
08:25Please do help yourself to a wine or a burger.
08:30Chris, look who I just found.
08:33Oh, Ron.
08:34So glad you could make it.
08:36I wouldn't miss this for the world.
08:37Lovely to see you.
08:40It's quite turnout.
08:42Well, that is considering.
08:43Last time I let her near a dictaphone.
08:46Maybe just a quick reading.
08:48Larry, I can't on the cop in peace.
08:51Move on, let's have to see you.
08:52My job.
08:53It was my future.
08:54I wanted spoilers.
08:55I predict that you are going to need a rest after all this.
09:00Speaking of predictions,
09:02if someone had a question about the future,
09:05what do you want to know?
09:07Me?
09:08God, I don't know.
09:10I haven't really thought about it,
09:11I live in the moment, me.
09:13God, you really put me on the spot, you have, Debs.
09:16Am I going to be a prison warden?
09:18Why?
09:18Do you want to be?
09:19Do you see me swinging round a tranchion?
09:21Of course I don't.
09:23It was a prediction.
09:25Well, what else did this psychic say?
09:29No, it wasn't a psychic, it was a Commodore 64.
09:32I'm not following you, Alan.
09:34I read a thing the other day
09:35that a prisoner made a machete out of a toothbrush,
09:37swallowed it all,
09:38pooed it out and shanked someone.
09:40Alan.
09:41Why are you telling me this?
09:43That computer robbed me of my future, Debs.
09:46I should have some hope.
09:48No second opinion.
09:50Please give me a reading.
09:52Maybe later, love.
09:53Just finish me calling on the cop.
09:58I can't relax with you working over there
10:00whilst we're having all this fun.
10:01Are you sure I can't tempt you to a beer?
10:03Oh, I don't drink and drill, Christine.
10:04Well, there might not be any left later.
10:06The old streets come.
10:08I think they needed a bit of a need.
10:09Don't want to get in trouble with the boss, do I?
10:11All right.
10:12Wouldn't want to upset Jez.
10:14Why not?
10:15You've upset everyone else.
10:17I think you've had enough.
10:25Sorry, Debs.
10:26I know you've got everyone bending your ear.
10:29Just wondering if you see any babies
10:31on the horizon.
10:32I think that ship's sailed, don't you?
10:34Ship's sailed?
10:35I am years off there, thank you.
10:37No, I mean grandchildren.
10:39Oh, right.
10:40I've always wanted to be Nanny Hench.
10:42But Charlie's a bit of a heartthrob.
10:45Mmm.
10:46I'm worried he won't settle.
10:48Well, I'll, er...
10:49I'll see what comes to me.
10:52Would you?
10:52Mm-hmm.
10:53Are you getting anything?
10:56It's not instant.
10:57No.
10:59Lovely weather for it.
11:01Dry.
11:02Yeah.
11:04We've had some good times, haven't we?
11:06We'll have plenty more, I'm sure.
11:07Seventh in the league.
11:14You all right?
11:15I'm not drunk already, are you?
11:17Drunk?
11:17No.
11:19Wish I was.
11:20Make this a little easier.
11:24Oh, hello.
11:26It's funny you say about babies,
11:29because I can see you with a big belly.
11:32A big, round belly.
11:35Waddling you are.
11:37Around the shop.
11:39What?
11:39What?
11:40Nothing tips.
11:41Oh.
11:41Is Nigel the father?
11:47It's not Ron's, is it?
11:48Because there is a frisson.
11:50You're not pregnant.
11:51No.
11:53Shoving something up your jumper.
11:56Oh.
11:58Now, there's an arm on your shoulder.
12:00I don't understand, Debs.
12:01Is this sexual?
12:04Store detective.
12:05Caught in the act.
12:07I have stopped all that.
12:09I only did it twice for the adrenaline.
12:10Packet of 40 denny of tights and a lip gloss.
12:12Oh.
12:13Now, there's blue flashing lights.
12:15Debs, you are scaring me.
12:16Oh, look.
12:17I'm sorry.
12:18It's just I see what I see.
12:20Where's that drink?
12:21Here's me drink.
12:22So?
12:23What does she say?
12:24I'm waiting for her to do me.
12:26You all right, Ange?
12:27Oh.
12:28You're very pale.
12:29She sees it all.
12:31Your darkest secrets.
12:33I'll come off it.
12:34It's only a bit of a laugh.
12:35It's not a laugh, Christine.
12:36She's got a third eye under that fringe.
12:38She sort of gushes out of her.
12:42Things you do not want to know.
12:44God knows what she said to Geraldine,
12:45but she's just thrown her wedding in a bush.
12:47Oh.
12:48No, I'd stay clear if I were you.
12:51Well clear.
12:53But she can't see everything, can she?
12:57Everything.
12:59She knows you better than you know yourself.
13:00Oh, my God.
13:09Graham, I've got something I want to tell you.
13:11Okay.
13:21That is work done.
13:22Oh, Christine.
13:24I couldn't have that beer that you were teasing me with.
13:26Jez, aren't you sweet?
13:27Letting your builder knock off early.
13:29Mm-hmm.
13:31And this shepherd's pie.
13:32Mm.
13:33Beautiful.
13:34It's actually moussaka.
13:36Your wife's at the lottery, Jez.
13:38Hasn't she, Jez?
13:40Uh, Debs.
13:41Oh, I'm trying, love, I am.
13:43Let's leave it.
13:43I think I'll get there, love.
13:45Don't worry about the old prison thing.
13:47The uniform's growing on me,
13:48and who doesn't love a metal detector?
13:51It's no trouble, love.
13:52Hey, sirrah, sirrah.
13:53Because I think I'm getting some...
13:55Leave it, Debs!
14:00Right, gather round, everyone.
14:02After polishing off a caraffa wine,
14:04Mum was ready to address her subjects.
14:07Come on, don't be shy.
14:11I wanted to thank you all for coming.
14:13It's lovely to see such a big turnout.
14:16You might hate me, but you love a free wine.
14:18LAUGHTER
14:19No.
14:24No.
14:25I'm sorry if my comments in the cron were...
14:28..a bit much.
14:29I honestly didn't mean to patronise...
14:33..talk down to you.
14:35We know what patronise means.
14:37I never meant to put me foot in it.
14:39Size six, high insults.
14:40I love you all.
14:42I do.
14:43And if smiling and waving at you is a crime,
14:46well, then lock me up.
14:47There you go.
14:47That's your first customer.
14:49I love seeing your little faces light up.
14:54In fact, you know what?
14:55I'm going to do this again.
14:57I'm going to do this bi-annually.
14:59What's £176?
15:02Now, I know that's a lot to you lot,
15:04but if it spreads a bit of happiness...
15:05Oh, Jesus Christ.
15:06..because I love you.
15:08I do.
15:09Yeah.
15:10And I love my boys.
15:11Get up here, boys.
15:12Where's my Alan?
15:13Wait.
15:14Eat, drink and be merry.
15:17I'm getting something.
15:17There you go.
15:18Showtime.
15:19She does this one.
15:20It's the big one, OK?
15:21But she can't get a signal through the wall.
15:23Um, no.
15:24Actually, I...
15:25It's ever so clear, this one.
15:28Shall we do this inside?
15:29I can see.
15:30Oh, you're knackered, Debs.
15:31You don't know what you're seeing or saying.
15:33Clapping.
15:35People clapping.
15:36Hundreds of them.
15:37Go on.
15:38And one of those mirrors
15:38with the little light bulbs all around it.
15:42Oh.
15:44His little face.
15:46Glowing.
15:47Oh, my God.
15:48Oh.
15:49And there's a camera.
15:50I knew it, Mum.
15:52This is the future.
15:53Go on, Debs.
15:54I'm going to be famous.
15:56Not you.
15:57Him.
15:58Ah.
16:00Gary?
16:00Gary?
16:01Me.
16:02Clean.
16:03Oh, I knew she had it in her.
16:05This is not fair.
16:06He's to be in prison.
16:07I should be the one on stage.
16:12Memory
16:12All alone in the moonlight
16:15I can smile at the old days
16:21Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan, Alan, shh.
16:23People are eating, love.
16:24Get off that.
16:25You'll break it.
16:26Look.
16:28I see what I see.
16:29Yeah, we'll try seeing something else.
16:30Did you hear her?
16:32Little star.
16:33God, the papers have been knocking again.
16:35There's more.
16:36Don't pack it in now, Debs.
16:37You've had your fun.
16:38Someone
16:38is moving on.
16:41She's opened the floodgates now.
16:43Come on, Debs.
16:45Someone
16:45is leaving.
16:48Oh.
16:49I've got to go and feed the cat.
16:50They're coming out
16:51of something difficult.
16:55Oh, they've paid too great a price.
16:57God, are my hairs a standing up?
16:59A secret
17:00burns inside of them.
17:05William.
17:07I'd better tell you before Nostradamus does.
17:10I'm leaving the club.
17:12No, it's gone.
17:13Sorry.
17:16There's no more cash.
17:18I've run out.
17:20I can't take you any further.
17:23Oh, oh, great.
17:24I've got some kitchen rolls.
17:39Here, love.
17:40Have hot dog.
17:40They'll only go in the bin.
17:44We can't help it.
17:46We're just destined for greatness, this family.
17:49I'm not.
17:51Oh, Alan, since when have you listened to your teachers?
17:53I can't be a prison warden.
17:56Of course you can't.
17:57You get claustrophobic putting on a roll neck.
17:59I just felt that the future would be better than...
18:03now.
18:06Oh, Alan.
18:08We'll have a brilliant future.
18:10But you don't need all the answers now, do you?
18:14It's part of the fun.
18:15Finding your way.
18:18Working it all out.
18:19I have to find my way out of Broadmoor first.
18:21They are coming up with new jobs all the time.
18:24You could be a robot or something.
18:26Look, I can't tell the future like Debs.
18:30But I know you'll have a job you'll be proud of.
18:33And whatever it is, I'll be telling everyone I meet,
18:37that's my son.
18:38Really?
18:40Because you were pretty quiet when I was shrink-wrapping dog food
18:43on that industrial estate.
18:44Thanks, ma'am.
18:46I needed to wait back.
18:48As Doris Day would say,
18:50I tried everything.
19:01I really did.
19:03Got so many corners.
19:05I even mowed the pitch myself for the last six months.
19:09You should have said something.
19:11I didn't want you worrying.
19:12Oh, well, I'm bloody worrying now.
19:15Well, don't.
19:16You are flying, Graham.
19:18That's not down to me.
19:19It's down to us.
19:21No, we did it together.
19:24Graham.
19:28Working with you has been the honour of my life.
19:32Come off it.
19:33You have been more of a brother to me
19:34than your sister.
19:38But that gypsy woman was right.
19:41It's time for me to go, so...
19:46I'm going to stand up
19:47and walk through those aluminium sliding doors.
19:53No, please, don't.
19:57I've never been any good at goodbyes.
20:01Fancy Miss Alcaron?
20:02Oh, that'd be lovely.
20:12Dad?
20:12Yeah?
20:14How long's Ron's staying?
20:15Because I want to watch Brookside.
20:18Not long.
20:25Lock up, will you?
20:26I don't know.
20:26I hear the train are coming.
20:34It's rolling around the fence.
20:36And I ain't seen the sunshine.
20:38I don't know what to do.
20:40I'm stuck as full as a river.
20:43And time keeps dragging on.
20:46Quiet down.
20:50Lights out.
20:52The summer of 89
20:54And it was horribly close on the close
20:58As temperatures soared to a record high
21:00Alan, you're going to have to stop doing that
21:02You're going to defrost me mints
21:02Don't let me go in
21:03They won't even let you take your tie off
21:05It's inhumane
21:06Gary!
21:08A few days into our hosepipe ban
21:10And we were as frazzled as our lawns
21:12Why am I wearing a coat?
21:14It's going to be 89 today
21:15The calves didn't do well in the heat
21:17It's going to be 89 today
21:19This is too much
21:20We need to evacuate, send me to the coast
21:23Charlie's cool as a cucumber
21:25It's in the blood, isn't it?
21:26We're a 16th Mediterranean
21:27Mediterranean, yeah
21:28You've told us
21:29Bit hot for that, isn't it?
21:32Ooh, that actually worked
21:33Nothing a cool lemonade won't sort
21:36That builder's taking a mick, ain't he?
21:39It's right, all you know
21:40Full well we're being talked about
21:41Right, kiss, kiss
21:42Come here
21:44Ooh, what's that?
21:47Give a sip
21:47You've defrosted me peas
21:51It's got sweet cone round the back
21:53You're not having my sweet cone
21:54Why am I still in this coat?
21:56This is ungodly
21:58I'll be quite sure
22:00All of the windows are open
22:01Yes?
22:02Really?
22:02To the Lord's sake
22:05It barely opens an inch
22:06I think it's so we don't fall out
22:08Never little
22:09She'll be falling out of everything at your age
22:11Trees
22:11Nightclubs
22:13Aeroplates
22:14For a woman who'd once snapped
22:16Julian Lloyd Webber's cello in half
22:17Miss Gideon looked unusually vulnerable
22:20Well we have a very special guest with us here today
22:23She's a published author
22:24She's written three books
22:26Most recently
22:28Jagged Rocks
22:28Yes
22:29Which has sold various copies worldwide
22:32And she's launching a short story competition
22:35With a £10 Woolworth voucher
22:38Up for grabs
22:39Oh
22:39So welcome to be here
22:42My dear, dear friend
22:44Madeleine Whipple
22:45I hope we're all readers here
22:51Oh yes
22:52Good
22:53That's how it starts
22:54To write
22:55You have got to read
22:56I've been reading since I was one
22:58I could read before I could walk
23:01School
23:01Was awful for me
23:03I had one friend
23:04And she was
23:06A hamster
23:07Books
23:08Have been my refuge
23:09My joy
23:10A place to escape
23:12I felt like that author
23:15Was talking directly to me
23:17But then her voice was so booming
23:19It also felt like she was talking to
23:20Arthur Kettering and Corby
23:21Books have been good to me
23:23And I have been good to books
23:25My God
23:26It is hot in here
23:28Oh my God
23:34I loved to read
23:35Hated school
23:36And I only had one friend
23:37This was my calling
23:38What did we do when this happened?
23:39I was going to be
23:40A writer
23:41You know
23:42Sometimes
23:43The right person
23:44Comes along at just the right time
23:46And gives you a good old
23:47Hey hey
23:48Give them a rest, Grace
23:50It's 89 degrees, isn't it?
23:52Yeah, this is the pitch
23:53Come on, boys
23:53Come around
23:54Come around
23:55Come around
23:55Come around
23:55Come around
23:55Come around
23:56Come around
23:56Come in
23:56Come in
23:56I want a picture
23:57I want a memento
23:59Of this moment
24:00The moment
24:01That I, Nick Chalmers
24:02Single-handedly
24:03Save the Cobblers
24:04100% success rate
24:06Satisfaction guaranteed
24:07Or your money back
24:09Right, can we do it later?
24:11You know, we're in the middle of training
24:12I bought them
24:16I'm the chairman
24:17I want to ickle-picky with them
24:20Don't I?
24:20Yep
24:21It's a new era
24:22Nick's on the ball
24:23Get in!
24:25Get that for us, son
24:26Really?
24:27Really?
24:28Yes
24:28What are you wearing a jumper for?
24:30You donut
24:30Go on
24:31Off you go
24:31Right, come on, boys
24:32In front of the goal
24:33Get in
24:34Quick, quick, quick
24:34Wipe your nose
24:36Right, come on, Gray
24:37You and me at the front
24:38Ron used to stand to the side
24:40At the back
24:41He also used to
24:41Was your money up a wall
24:43So forgive me
24:44If I don't follow suit
24:45Come on
24:45You and me in the front
24:46Get up
24:48What are you doing?
24:49We're not a communion
24:49Gray, come on
24:51Big smiles
24:51Look at that
24:53Big smiles
24:55Come on, Gray
24:56Cheer up
24:57You miserable git
24:58Smile
24:58Everyone have fun
25:01Say cobblers
25:02Cobblers
25:03Louder than that
25:04What's wrong with you?
25:05Cobblers
25:06Cobblers
25:07Yeah
25:07The crumbling rap
25:09Crumbling
25:10Hits the consonant
25:12The crumbling
25:15In rock
25:16The dewy must
25:17Feel the dew
25:19Yeah, I am
25:20Crustaceans clinging like a baby to the nipple
25:30None of you would be here without the nipple
25:33Hey, Alan, let's stop there
25:34That's enough for now
25:37I think Madeline needs to rest
25:38No, I don't
25:39I'll read it
25:41I'll read it
25:42I'll read it
25:42I'll read it
25:43Just do your work
25:46He's elegant, isn't he?
25:48Like a gazelle
25:48Who?
25:51Jake
25:52You see?
25:54I've really noticed
25:55A writing competition
25:59With my imagination
26:01With my imagination
26:01I could definitely do this
26:04Oh
26:04I can't do this
26:06It's too hard to do anything
26:07Just lie down
26:08They say write what you know
26:09That's all right for Jackie Collins
26:10She lived in Monte Carlo
26:11What am I going to write about?
26:13What?
26:13The growth in the centre and gary?
26:15Don't knock it till you've tried it
26:16I'm going on a walk
26:17I need inspiration
26:19Oh
26:20Even though Ange had a bad garden
26:24She preferred to burn in public
26:27Ange, what's Charlie writing about?
26:35He's trying to fry an egg on a windowsill at the minute, Alan
26:36We got a short story competition
26:39Has he mentioned it?
26:40He hasn't, no
26:41I'm struggling, to be honest
26:43Still trying to find me muse
26:46Alan, that's very sweet
26:48But I'm a bit busy at the minute
26:50Oh
26:50Can't believe it
26:51Someone's got the sprinkler on
26:53There is a home pipe bag
26:55Got the sprinkler on?
26:58What?
26:59I followed the sound, Christine
27:00It's coming from here
27:00No, we haven't got a sprinkler
27:02Don't lie to me
27:03I've seen you long
27:04Nigel, I'm telling you
27:05We do not have a sprinkler
27:06Well, someone has
27:07Where's Graham?
27:10He's at work
27:10Nigel, do your breathing
27:11All right
27:12Wait, listen
27:13I can hear it
27:14It's Jane's house
27:25Jane's in respite care
27:26Oh, she will be in a minute
27:27Jane!
27:30Sorry about him
27:31He gets a bit in the heat, you know
27:32We think it's glandular
27:33Yeah
27:34He was up 3am last night
27:35Thinking he was flying a spitfire
27:36Kept trying to find the ejector seat
27:38And look at me
27:39I haven't even asked how your prickly heat is
27:41I don't have prickly heat
27:42You poor bugger
27:43I saw you from across the road the other day
27:44Legs like pepper armies
27:46Is it so?
27:47Not as sore as that's gonna be
27:48So to inspire those short story characters
27:54Look across at the person opposite
27:57And feel them with your eyes
28:00Let your gaze caress their hair
28:04Their cheekbones
28:05Describe them poetically
28:08Bathe in metaphors and similes
28:12Shall I start?
28:18With your eyes
28:21They're like opals
28:26Opal gemstones, not opal fruits
28:30Or a lake
28:32With sunlight bouncing off the surface
28:36Offset with your mesmerising mood ring on your bank
28:40Oh, thanks, but it's a signet ring
28:44And your hair is brown, isn't it?
28:48Basic brown, so that's finished
28:49Oh, mate, I've got to do yours now
28:51Jake was gonna describe me
28:53I wonder if he'd mention my shapely legs
28:56I was supposed to be in PE ten minutes ago
28:58Excuse me, do you mind?
29:01They're supposed to be up and out
29:02Not sat here like rotting veg
29:03They cannot go outside in this heat
29:06Yeah, I can't play rounders today
29:08You can't play rounders any day
29:09You're crap
29:10I have merely tweaked the schedule
29:13For the good of their health
29:14Oh, you just want a captive audience
29:16Cos you can't get an acting job
29:18Et tu, Brute
29:20That's Shakespeare
29:22Get your sport out of my classroom
29:25What are you gonna do about it?
29:27Little lady
29:28No, she is little
29:30She is fierce
29:31Shakespeare again
29:33Oh, is she now?
29:34Yes, she is
29:36Is she?
29:38She is
29:38Yes, I am
29:40Right
29:44Right
29:48Anybody who wants to rounders
29:50Follow me
29:51What about my eyes?
29:55You shouldn't be allowed to just yank a pupil out
29:57In the middle of an exercise
29:58Awful man
29:59Are you alright, miss?
30:01Please, Alan
30:02I need to remember this
30:03Without your voice
30:04Oh, God
30:08Have you thought what you're gonna be out of?
30:16I don't know
30:17Probably the war
30:18No way
30:20Yeah, me too
30:22Yeah?
30:23Mmm
30:23What, what?
30:25Oh, they all blend together for after a while
30:26Don't they?
30:28So what drew you to war?
30:29I don't know
30:30It's just interesting, isn't it?
30:32Politics and that
30:32All the countries
30:33Oh, God, yeah
30:34It's like being in Eurovision
30:35Two boom-banger-bangs over Dresden
30:39I think I'm gonna focus more on the
30:42On the relationship between the soldiers
30:45The buzz of the trench
30:46Yeah, yeah
30:47Sounds good
30:48Oh
30:50We should probably do some research
30:52So, why don't we meet up one lunchtime?
30:54Go to the library?
30:56Cool
30:56Yeah
30:57Oh, that's my boss
30:59See you, Alan
31:00Yeah, bye
31:00War
31:01What was it good for?
31:04Absolutely everything
31:05Of all the nice things you could write about
31:08Why have you chosen the war?
31:10There were nice moments in the war
31:11The camaraderie
31:13Singing
31:14We'll meet again around me, old Joanna
31:16My story
31:18Is about two soldiers
31:19Their wives
31:21Dead
31:22What, both of them?
31:24Mmm
31:24But it's campaign in Kettering
31:26It's normally the soldiers who die, innit?
31:28Why have you killed off the wives?
31:30I'm playing with the foam
31:31Picture this
31:33It's late at night
31:36They're trying to sleep
31:40Well, they can't because of all
31:43Maybe they're showing each other photographs of their wives
31:45Little black and white ones
31:46Why are you so obsessed with the wives?
31:52A visit from the muse
31:53I've got something in this jiffy bag, Alan
31:55That's going to get your juices flowing
31:57I doubt it
31:59Is your mum in?
32:00Yeah
32:00That's a shame
32:01You're in the park there, aren't you?
32:03You know, there's a hoot right bag
32:04Yeah, that's what you should be doing
32:06It's illegal
32:07Well, why can you and I can't?
32:08No, wait
32:09No, seriously
32:10Give it back
32:11What are you doing?
32:12You should be doing
32:12It's illegal
32:13Oh, there's an hoot right bag
32:15Yeah, I mean
32:15Just kidding
32:15Give me that
32:17It's hot in the night
32:25It's hot in the night
32:25Not a loop
32:27Oi, oi! Room for another Calippo in there.
32:34Right, fudge up.
32:37You always have my bark, who's the lads?
32:41Uh, no, no, it's a heat.
32:46I'm going to get off.
32:47Bang, bang, bang.
32:48I know you're gutted that your little mates run off and left you in the lurch, and I feel for you.
32:53I really do, but I hope you'll come to think of this, me, as an opportunity.
32:59You know, 20 years of running around, getting a ball smacked in your face will make you thick.
33:05That's just science.
33:08And I know you're very good at the kick it there, kick it in the goal there, crap.
33:13But you ain't a businessman, you need a thinker.
33:16Someone with a bit of nous.
33:17Well, you know, you've got plenty of that.
33:19Yes, I do.
33:20I'm going to make changes, Gray.
33:22Big changes.
33:24The cavalry is here.
33:28Well, uh, excuse me, I've got work to do.
33:32Oh, thank you.
33:36Clean as a whistle.
33:38Great.
33:39We should have all our meetings in here.
33:42I like it.
33:43Oh, of course you're having a bath.
33:53It's two inches of water, Ange.
33:54The rest of us are making do with a wet wipe under each armpit, but you, yeah, you fill your boots.
33:58I bought you these over.
34:00Oh.
34:01Because I know your parents don't read.
34:03I do read.
34:04I did a book club.
34:05I suggested a book.
34:0615-minute meals, Christine.
34:08Pasta bake is not a plot.
34:09Well, you want a love story, you will not get better than those.
34:13200 of them.
34:14The passion on those pages.
34:17It compares me to a ripe nectarine in one of them.
34:19Oh, I love a ripe nectarine.
34:21Everyone does.
34:22That's his point.
34:24I'm trying to stay strong in here, but it's getting...
34:27Who's Daryl?
34:28Daryl?
34:30Daryl was a poet.
34:31Belmarsh?
34:32A poet and a burglar.
34:33You've got a prison pen pal.
34:35Bloody hell, Ange.
34:36Long time ago.
34:38He's out now, working in Timpsons.
34:39Ange, what's this?
34:41Oh, God.
34:42We were beyond words by the end.
34:44Hmm.
34:46Did Dad ever write your love letters, Mum?
34:48No.
34:49No, we're not...
34:50No, I don't need letters.
34:52It's your actions, isn't it?
34:54He shows me.
34:55How?
34:56How does he show you?
34:58Lots of ways.
35:00He, um...
35:01He, uh...
35:02He...
35:04It's the little things, isn't it?
35:07Cleared loft out for me the other day.
35:10Nigel cuts my, uh...
35:12My toast into little hearts.
35:14Aww.
35:14That weighs quite a lot of bread.
35:16It's like George.
35:17He's a romantic.
35:17He's one of the soldiers in the story.
35:19He's set in a trench.
35:20Oh, I love a trench.
35:21He's a quiet type.
35:23Very stoic.
35:25Elegant.
35:27Like a gazelle.
35:28Quick on his feet.
35:29Sees me weeping.
35:31Mickey!
35:32He sees Mickey weeping.
35:35It's how the Germans pronounce Mickey.
35:36He's another soldier in the story.
35:39Yeah.
35:40Mickey is crying because he's coming over the top.
35:43It's a surprise.
35:44Fun fact.
35:46You know, trenches were never dug in a straight line.
35:48It's like love.
35:50Because love is a winding road.
35:53He's very good, isn't he?
35:55I mean, his dad's a bit of a robot, but he's...
35:57He's got something.
35:59Here.
35:59Why don't you show those letters to Graham?
36:02Get his juices flowing.
36:03Hello, hello.
36:16All right?
36:18Right.
36:19Do I, er, not get a greeting?
36:22For God's sake, what do you want?
36:23A curtsy?
36:24No, no, it's just, you know...
36:26Oh!
36:28Can I not have a minute to meself?
36:30Come in the door and you're already starting.
36:32I'm not starting.
36:34Oh!
36:35What have I done?
36:37I think it's because you never write a love letters.
36:39What?
36:40Or cut a toast into hearts.
36:42You should do something romantic.
36:45Right, can we...
36:46Can we not?
36:47You know, I've had a bit of a day.
36:49I'm only trying to give you an heads up.
36:51Mano to mano.
36:52Oh.
36:53What's for tea?
36:54Cheese and salad cream sandwich.
36:56Oh!
36:57It's just too hot.
36:58You could make dinner.
37:00You've got to keep the fires burning, Dad.
37:04We'd both been inspired.
37:07Dad had to whip up a feast.
37:08I had to whip up a plot.
37:10It all made sense to me now.
37:13Write what you know.
37:15I don't know.
37:27I don't know.
37:28Listen to me, husband.
37:28Hi.
37:28Garnished.
37:51Are you going to get yours then?
37:53No.
37:55I haven't got the energy to make another one.
37:58So, what are you going to buy with the Wills?
38:02What?
38:03Oh, I don't know.
38:06I'm not really in it, it's a Wally's voucher.
38:08The writing is its own reward.
38:10No, it's not.
38:11It's like pulling teeth.
38:13I think I'm going to get a Mr Frosty.
38:16Good morning, Eastern Lovell.
38:19Quiet!
38:21So, Mrs Wilwell?
38:23What?
38:25What?
38:25Well, Wuhal has read all your entries and she said that the standard is incredibly high
38:35and there can only be one winner.
38:38And this entry was deeply moving with a real relish of language and a precocious narrative confidence.
38:46So, let's announce the winner.
38:49Could...
38:51Oh.
38:52Alan Carr, please come up.
38:54Yes!
38:55Oh, but...
38:55It's a bit.
38:57That's amazing.
38:59So, this was it.
39:00This was the beginning.
39:02Watch and weep, Eastern Lovell.
39:04Today, a Woolies voucher.
39:05Tomorrow, the Booker.
39:07So, the process was excruciating.
39:09So what?
39:10You had to suffer for your art.
39:12And I, Alan Carr, was an artist!
39:15Shh!
39:16Well done, Alan.
39:17Now, Miss Gideon will read an extract.
39:19Miss Gideon.
39:20Clever boy.
39:21Open Arms by Alan Graham Carr.
39:27George's long, live neck stuck high above the parapet.
39:33A gazelle in the firing line.
39:36His trusseled, auburn curls adding an extra inch or two to his height.
39:41Forming a kind of halo which seemed to illuminate his face in the brutal dark...
39:47thrashed into the sea, his muscular arms parting the water like Moses in fatigues.
39:54As Miki's head slipped below the surface.
39:58That's like you and Jake in the pool.
40:00But now it's now.
40:01George lunged through the surf.
40:03Miki's body bucked.
40:06His nostril not only flared with war, but with chlorine.
40:10Chlorine?
40:11You think don't go?
40:12No, but what would I write about Jake is fiction.
40:15Reality creeps in.
40:16Laughing creeps in.
40:18As Miki's lungs, filled with water,
40:22George's opal eyes came into focus beneath the waves.
40:26Eyes.
40:28Blue as the ocean.
40:30The mood ring on his outstretched pinky seemed to be mesmerising.
40:36Right, okay, I think that's enough.
40:38We all need to be getting to class, don't we?
40:40He surrendered his body to George.
40:45George, is this the miracle?
40:47Meeky needed a hero.
40:58But it wasn't.
41:01He was dead.
41:03He, he had, he'd died.
41:06Er, he drowned.
41:09Gosh, so sad.
41:11But poor Miki, that's, that's, um, so yes, that's the, the end.
41:15The end!
41:17She'd stopped the world from knowing I was gay and took that secret to her grave.
41:21Love you, Jackie.
41:21That's a joke, man.
41:23Mine was way better than that.
41:24Oi, zip it.
41:27Well done, Alan.
41:28You surprised us all now.
41:30Off you go, then.
41:33I couldn't see meself slaving over a hot biro, scraping a living as an author.
41:38I was a talker, a raconteur, a chatty man.
41:42But who was going to pay me to do that job?
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