- 8 hours ago
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:01And that was Rob Jason Donovan with too many broken hearts.
00:05Remember this? Remember the pressure?
00:10Zip it, Gary Davis. You're talking over Sonya.
00:13Play and record. Together.
00:15Don't get the DJ in.
00:19Got it.
00:21That was close.
00:24Christine, I had to show you before the party.
00:27New raspberry range. They have never done colours like this before. Stunning.
00:32You're going door-to-door? Someone's desperate for commission.
00:35I'm not doing this for commission, Christine. I'm doing it for you.
00:37I've seen the inside of your fridge. Chicken drumsticks sat on the shelf
00:40without so much as a bit of cling round it.
00:42Why are you sniffling round my fridge like a truffle pig?
00:44Anyway, I've got plenty of Tupperware.
00:46Oh, pink?
00:48Raspberry range. About a 12-inch?
00:50Compartments. The dips.
00:53We need this.
00:55I was, um, thinking of inviting Jez Saturday night.
00:58Bit of a welcome to the close.
00:59What's that bloke want with the Tupperware party, Christine?
01:01Well, just thought he seems quite...
01:04organised.
01:05Well, he might be, but this is a night for the girlies.
01:07I'm going.
01:08Just thought it might be nice to invite him.
01:10Christine, us ladies don't have much in this world, yeah?
01:13But these...
01:14These airtight stackable containers
01:16in an assortment of colour, shapes and sizes...
01:18These are ours, yeah.
01:20We're storing more than nibbles in there.
01:22We're storing love.
01:24Hopes and dreams.
01:26Plains and...
01:27Oh, God, it was just a thought.
01:29And anyway, he seems quite flush.
01:30He might have had a big order.
01:31Well, I'll pop round and show him now.
01:33But he's not coming Saturday.
01:34Ladies' night.
01:35And me?
01:36As I said.
01:37Oi! Dad's on the telly!
01:39Has a run of bad results affected the team's morale?
01:42Well, er...
01:43No-one wants to lose that many games in a season.
01:4622.
01:48But...
01:50Let's not forget we did well last season.
01:52We've got form.
01:53We've just got to find it again.
01:55How are the boys feeling?
01:56My boys know they have my unconditional support.
01:59We're just going to keep working.
02:00I think you've worked hard enough today.
02:02I'll let you get home.
02:03No need.
02:04There's nowhere I'd rather be.
02:05Oh, charming.
02:07Trolled by my dad and on regional TV.
02:12Right, love.
02:15Did you watch it?
02:17Look East.
02:18Yeah, I did.
02:19How did I come across?
02:20Yeah, good.
02:21Really good.
02:23It's just...
02:25Sometimes the way you talk about the players,
02:27your boys, there's nowhere you'd rather be,
02:30well, I think it upsets Alan a bit.
02:32What do you mean?
02:33Well, you've got two boys at home.
02:35Oh, give over.
02:36It's totally different.
02:37I just think you can make more of an effort.
02:39Especially with Alan.
02:40I'm always making an effort.
02:41I watched that detective woman cycling around with a typewriter.
02:46Murder, she wrote.
02:47I don't know what she was writing,
02:48but I watched a double bill last week for his birthday.
02:51His birthday's in June.
02:53Is it?
02:54Oh, that little...
02:55Graham!
02:56Christine, it's a two-way street.
02:58He doesn't bother with me, I don't bother with him.
03:00We're both happy with that.
03:02PHONE RINGS
03:07Florence Nightingale was not just a nurse.
03:11My own dad didn't want to spend time with me
03:13and Anja called me a woman.
03:15But with double history, I could lose myself in ruffs and muffs.
03:19Helen, could you read Ms Nightingale's quote for us?
03:24The lady with the lamp.
03:26There she is!
03:30Isn't she just?
03:31Ugh, being camp's like having B.O.
03:34The more you flap your arms around, the worse it gets.
03:37I needed to mask it.
03:39And quick.
03:44Ooh!
03:45How about I try a spritz of odour sport?
03:55Christine.
03:57Don't look now.
03:58But he's just picked up chute.
04:02He's reading chute.
04:04What is this, spring watch?
04:06I didn't tell him to, he just went for it all by himself.
04:09Should I go in and talk to him?
04:14Maybe just let him get his bearings first, yeah?
04:19No, no, no.
04:24Oh, it's Jeremy.
04:25Christine.
04:26Is there a chance that Alan's available tomorrow?
04:28Pip went over on her ankle and we need someone for our country dancing event.
04:31I know it's last minute, but no one do-si-dos quite like Alan.
04:35Look, I don't think you'll have to ask him twice.
04:36Oh, that is music to my ears.
04:38Alan, Mr Butterworth's here.
04:40What's a word?
04:42There he is.
04:44My hero.
04:45You wouldn't step in last minute.
04:46Give us a couple of square sets tomorrow.
04:48Is this the devil himself tempting me?
04:50I love country dancing!
04:51No.
04:53He's playing hard to get.
04:54Alan, go and get your anki.
04:55I'm busy tomorrow.
04:56Since when?
04:57I'm going to watch The Cobblers with my dad.
04:59What?
05:00Are you?
05:01Oh, I...
05:02You'll have to try someone else.
05:03What about Felix?
05:04He loves country dancing and he makes his own costumes.
05:06I tried, but he changed his name after the smear campaign.
05:09He's in a safe house in Rushton.
05:12Oh.
05:13Oh.
05:14Come on!
05:15Pop those plimsolls on for us!
05:16Look, Mr Butterworth, he said no.
05:18And he's going to watch the football with his old man like every other boy his age.
05:21And he can find some other clown.
05:22This time tomorrow I will be chanting on the terraces for my team against...
05:28Are you playing again?
05:29Preston.
05:30Away.
05:31Preston away.
05:32Away?
05:33Yeah.
05:34Yeah, we're going to have to stay over.
05:36M6 on a Saturday.
05:37Forget it.
05:39But I'm going to miss my tap away party.
05:42Right.
05:43Is everybody here?
05:44Here, Mum.
05:45Good.
05:46That's it.
05:47Where's the boots?
05:48It's on my back.
05:49Let's go.
05:50Oi, oi.
05:51Don't forget about little old me.
05:52What are you doing here?
05:53I'm getting on the party bus, son.
05:55It's not a party bus.
05:56It's a team bus.
05:57Christ's sake, Nick.
05:58This game's important.
05:59I got a free pass.
06:01The wife's in hospital for a week and I want to sample everything that...
06:05Where are we going?
06:06Preston.
06:07Away.
06:08Away.
06:09And I want to sample everything that Preston away has to offer.
06:13Is that booze in that carrier?
06:15No.
06:16The lads need to focus.
06:17I promise you, Grey, you will not hear a peep out of me.
06:21Right?
06:22Let's go.
06:23I've got three copies of Razzle and 200 Lambert and Butler duty free.
06:27Who's with me?
06:28Read your book.
06:29And it's won.
06:30It's two-four-six-eight.
06:31iquéis.
06:44This was it.
06:46Quality time.
06:48Just me, my dad, and all his other boys.
06:52His goalie, his strikers, and those ones that hang around in the middle.
06:56middle. Seeing my dad get abused reminded me of school, but he didn't have a kindly
07:10dinner lady to come to his aid.
07:30Right, leave the nipples out. I'll check the score.
07:40Ah, see facts. Come on, Northampton. Come on.
07:46Instant information. Well, if you were prepared to wait 15 minutes for the page to turn.
07:52Gary, you got me ashtray? And you better not be eating those criffs there for tonight.
07:58Well, come on. Hurry up. Quick. It's the next one.
08:07Come on, lad. Get stuck in. Come on!
08:13Dad. Yeah, let's just go home. We're not coming back from 3-0. You might as well let
08:19bargones be bargones. How do you grab your spans?
08:22What are you talking about? Sit down.
08:25Right. Sudd this for a game of monkeys. Er, I'll see you in the bar.
08:30Come on, lad! Get it!
08:32Alfie!
08:33Get a left box on the yellow card. Get it in his face. Wind him up.
08:36Blime, you losers!
08:38Oh, shut up!
08:39Oh, they've got another one.
08:49God, 4-0. He is not going to be happy.
08:53Oh, feels wrong having a party after that, doesn't it?
08:57Shall we cancel it? Do you think we should?
09:00Oh, but we've got all the stuff now.
09:03No. You know what?
09:05Your dad would want us to have a good time. He would.
09:08He'd say, you go and enjoy yourselves. Don't you worry about me.
09:12But if he asked, we cancelled it.
09:14Oh, that was awful.
09:20I've had old booing.
09:23Man.
09:27Now I've got to spend a night in this dump.
09:30What is that?
09:37Portable potpourri.
09:38It's an essential.
09:39You never know when you might need to mask the smell of...
09:43feet.
09:45I need a beer.
09:46I will get my wallet, then.
09:48No, no, no.
09:49No, you're all right.
09:50I'll get one with the lads.
09:52Well, I'm one of your lads tonight, aren't I?
09:54We're meant to be spending quality time together.
10:00Yeah, we are.
10:02We are.
10:03Right, so, I've prepared 20 questions.
10:06I thought we could fill it out together, compare and contrast.
10:09So, question one...
10:11Oh, this is really long.
10:13But, er, no, no, you're right.
10:15It'll be good to, er, to catch up.
10:17You know, find out who your favourite female historical figure is.
10:23Er, I'll, er...
10:24I'll fill it in at the bar and, er, I'll see you down there.
10:30Yeah.
10:33All I needed was a love you gave
10:37All I needed for another day
10:41All I ever knew
10:45Only you
10:48The perfect size for those on-the-go snacks.
10:50Gary, you're blocking my products, thank you.
10:52A handful of walnuts in there, a few cubes of cheese.
10:55You could fit two quarters of a sandwich top to toe.
10:57No, you couldn't.
10:58Yes, you could.
10:59Ladies, you open a packet of hobnobs.
11:02But you only want one.
11:03Who has one?
11:04You can have a pack of stale hobnobs on your hands.
11:07Or are you?
11:08Simply decant those hobbody-nobs into a medium-sized tuck.
11:12Place the lid on like so.
11:14And they'll be keeping their crunch till Christmas.
11:16She's never getting a sandwich, isn't her?
11:17I'll bring your sandwiches, Marion.
11:18I'm talking about a bit of ham and lettuce, not a bloody rump steak.
11:20Anne, do you need to be on my puff for this?
11:22Smacked finish on the lids, ladies.
11:23I'll be feeling that, Christine.
11:24And you, Marion.
11:25Oh, that is smooth.
11:30Smoothing it.
11:31Smooth, that.
11:32Right.
11:33Question.
11:34No, you can't store wine in them.
11:36I've already got the ones with the red and the white lids.
11:39Yeah.
11:40What's the best deal you could do me for the blue?
11:42No, we're off, ladies.
11:43I know it sounds silly, but red, white and blue just makes me feel all patriotic.
11:46Do you know what, Christine?
11:47I'll do you two for one on the blue and I'll throw in a lemon squeezer.
11:51Have I got myself a deal?
11:54Deal.
11:55That is our first sale of the night, ladies.
11:58Oh, and you know what?
12:00Put me down for a rand one.
12:01Because that would come in handy if I need to store something rand, wouldn't it?
12:04Can you get your fingers out of that, Marion? You're making it all greasy.
12:07Do you know where that top would look good?
12:09Your bedroom floor. I've heard it.
12:10No.
12:11On a silky padded hanger.
12:14That's where I make my first meal.
12:16Silky padded hangers.
12:21Here's my card.
12:23You're a millionaire. What are you doing in this dump?
12:25I'm looking for a wife.
12:30I can see you're very excited to be the next Mrs Chalmers.
12:33So I want you to hold on to that thought while I go and siphon the python.
12:42Ah, another round for the lads, please, love.
12:45And one for yourself.
12:46And some crisps.
12:48Not that they deserve it.
12:50Poor bloody Nell.
12:51Aw, don't be too hard on them.
12:54Well, it's not just pints you're pulling in here.
12:59They keep putting the crisps too low.
13:01Have to bend down to get them.
13:04I have told them to move them, but...
13:07I think they should keep them where they are.
13:10I'm phoning mum.
13:11What? No!
13:12No!
13:13It's just a bit of banter.
13:16Why? No!
13:17She started it!
13:18No, I'm going to phone mum, see how the party's going.
13:22Oh, great! That's great!
13:23Down to know if she's found anything for our milk, love.
13:26Sebacca to keep moist.
13:35You all right, Christine?
13:36Yeah, just...
13:38Just missing my Alan a bit.
13:40Where is he?
13:41Brownies.
13:42No, he's impressed him with his dad at the football.
13:44Staying overnight, they're not back till tomorrow.
13:47Well, Christine...
13:48Why didn't you say?
13:50Three words, ladies?
13:52P-I-P-A-D.
13:55While the cat is around, the mask will slip into something more comfortable.
14:01Check out the quality of that pussycat bow, Diane.
14:03Does it wash?
14:04Does it?
14:05It's 100% polyester, that.
14:08New one.
14:09Deviled egg!
14:10Very delicate cup.
14:12Gary!
14:13Bed!
14:14No, what about it?
14:15Show us that.
14:24Tell me everything.
14:25Who made the guest list?
14:26Oh, hello, love.
14:27You ain't missing a thing.
14:29Really boring.
14:31Proper damp squib.
14:33Sounds it.
14:35Oh, I wish I was there with you.
14:37Oh, I know, darling, I know.
14:38Listen, I saw the result on CFAX.
14:40How is he?
14:42He's not himself.
14:44No.
14:45I bet he needs a cuddle.
14:46So that's what he needs.
14:47You know what?
14:48We're finishing up now, so...
14:49I'm gonna give you a ring before I go to bed.
14:51Stop that!
14:52What's your room number?
14:53Number?
14:54He's barely got a door.
14:55Never mind a number.
14:57Alright then, darling.
14:58Alright, see you later.
14:59Bye, Mum.
15:00I could hear in her voice she'd bought that Raspberry Tupperware range.
15:04Will that woman ever learn?
15:05Oi, oi!
15:06Watch this, boys!
15:07Firing your holes!
15:08Boom!
15:09Because it was a grenade, wasn't it?
15:10Did you see it?
15:11I clocked it and that was out.
15:12Because instead of saying fire in the hole, I said fire in your holes.
15:15Like in the bum.
15:16Boom!
15:17Let's get the party started, eh?
15:18I've had a drink.
15:19Let's just go to bed.
15:20Oh, pipe down, Adam.
15:21You're spoiling the mood.
15:22I'll take him up to bed.
15:23Oh.
15:24Only if you tuck me in after.
15:25Oh, God.
15:26This is getting very unsavoury.
15:27If I play my cards right, Adam.
15:28If I play my cards right, Adam.
15:29If I play my cards right.
15:30I'm trying one down here.
15:31Over your nipple, unless you're buying pink.
15:32Oh, God.
15:33Come on.
15:34Shhhh.
15:35It's just the tape.
15:36Alright, let's do this.
15:37You do this.
15:38Can you repeat your condol?
15:39Oh, see?
15:40You do this.
15:41It's got to be.
15:42It's got to be here.
15:43Oh, Jim.
15:44You're spoiling the mood.
15:45I'll take him up to bed.
15:46Oh, only if you tuck me in after.
15:48Oh.
15:49Oh, God.
15:51This is getting very unsavoury.
15:54If I play my cards right, Adam.
15:56If I play my cards right.
15:57If I play my cards right.
15:59I'm trying one down here.
16:00Over your nipple, unless you're buying pink.
16:01All right, hang on.
16:10They look nice on you, Chris.
16:12We're just trying on some bits.
16:15Go home, Nigel. Take them with you.
16:18Bloody hell, Chris.
16:20Actually, Nigel, can I have them back?
16:22No.
16:23I told you, Nigel, no voice allowed!
16:26Well, it sounds like you need a man in there to keep you girls in check.
16:29Well, if you know of any big strong boys... Oh, God.
16:32Maybe it's time to let the fox into the chicken coop.
16:36What?!
16:38No, no, no, Nigel, we've got to go.
16:42We've got bin bag Diane, she's stuck in a corset,
16:44and we've got to cut her out.
16:46OK, well, I was just checking in.
16:50Yeah, OK, I'm off.
16:54I can see your eyes through the letterbox, Nigel.
16:59Right, I'd like to buy a drink for the best footballers in the league.
17:06When they get here.
17:07CHEERING
17:09Alan, is there an Alan? Alan Carr?
17:11Adam Carr.
17:12Yeah, I'm Alan.
17:14I'm Alan.
17:15I'm Alan.
17:16I'm Alan!
17:17I'm Alan!
17:18I'm Alan!
17:19I'm Alan!
17:20Ma'am?
17:21I'm Alan!
17:22I'm Alan!
17:23I'm Alan!
17:24I'm Alan!
17:25I'm Alan!
17:26I'm Alan!
17:27I'm Alan!
17:28I'm Alan!
17:29I'm Alan!
17:30What's all that noise?
17:31What's going on there?
17:32I'm drinking tinsano over a vase!
17:34Hey!
17:35How are you doing that?
17:36You're talking to me?
17:37Help!
17:38You're up to bed!
17:39Sorry!
17:55I wish you'd have won, Alan.
17:57Look, you tried your best, and that crowd was harsh.
18:02You're not fair.
18:05Just a little bit chunky.
18:07Oh, fair's fair.
18:08You know, the fans pay their money.
18:10They see their team giving us a good kicking they're going to want to celebrate.
18:13You know, you can't take it personally.
18:15I mean, you can't, but you do.
18:17It's funny.
18:19I've always wanted you to be a footballer.
18:22But I'd hate for you to be called some of the names I get called.
18:29I mean, I can handle it.
18:30You know, I've got a thick skin, but you, you can, or...
18:34I get called names all the time in school.
18:51What is he doing?
18:53He's, er...
18:55He's showing her his padded hand.
19:00Oh.
19:03Dad?
19:04Yeah?
19:05What did that man say?
19:07What man?
19:08You know, at the football match when he got promoted.
19:10I know it's over a year ago, but I've always wanted to ask.
19:14What did he say?
19:16Well...
19:18You know, there's a...
19:19There's a lot of people at a football game.
19:21Alan...
19:23Can't remember them all.
19:24No, but...
19:25You punched him.
19:27I saw you.
19:28We scored.
19:29And then you punched him.
19:31What did he say that was so bad?
19:33Was it...
19:35Was it something about me?
19:38I don't remember, son.
19:39Get some sleep.
19:40Yeah, I...
19:41I do remember him.
19:51That man.
19:53You know, I shouldn't have punched him.
19:55I know that, but...
19:57What he said, um...
20:03Couldn't have it.
20:05Alan, I couldn't have him talking about you like that.
20:09Saying you were a...
20:15I can't even say it.
20:17At least my son's not gay.
20:19Sticks in my throat.
20:26Are you telling your old man's soft, do you?
20:29I want you to apologise.
20:31Which is...
20:32No mean feat.
20:34What did you say?
20:35Feet?
20:36Yeah, it does smell like feet.
20:37It's like sleeping in a moccasin.
20:45Good night, son.
20:48Night, Dad.
20:50Sweet dreams, kiddo.
20:55Nothing united the UK more than a telephone.
20:59Everyone mucking in, trying to raise money for the less fortunate
21:04by humiliating yourself in front of your neighbours.
21:07Even celebrities came down from their ivory towers
21:10to show us they were just like us.
21:12Telephones were brilliant, but completely bonkers.
21:14Oh, love.
21:16Drop this into Mary.
21:17She's knitting a blanket for Africa.
21:19Don't have to be massive.
21:21Ma!
21:22Yes, I'm here.
21:24What took you so long?
21:26Right, here.
21:27Oh, hello.
21:29That's not going to touch the sides.
21:31Alan, I bought every tin they had.
21:32I didn't know you'd need this many.
21:34I need photographic evidence.
21:36No-one is going to care.
21:37You're in a bath of beans.
21:39I'm supposed to be up to me neck.
21:41Poor kids could be eating these.
21:42You'd be better off donating them.
21:43Well, I can't now, can I?
21:45This is disgusting, Alan.
21:47Both of you, down the wings at the same time.
21:50Sign that.
21:51What?
21:53Sign that.
21:54It's for charity.
21:55For the telethon.
21:56Geoff Capes is doing a raffle for Anglia TV.
21:58It's going to get spicy.
21:59Here, get Banjo to sign it and all.
22:02Quick, quick.
22:04You ever held a pen before?
22:05That's it. Good boy.
22:07No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
22:09No-one wants you on the ball.
22:11They'll want the manager, sure.
22:12No-one cares about the manager, Gray.
22:14Why are you signing it?
22:16I'm just dejecting a bit of personality, aren't I?
22:19Give that to Wingnut when he's off the bogs.
22:21Cheers, Gray.
22:28I'd want you on my ball gaff.
22:31Ah, thanks, Alfie.
22:34Oh, Ang, you ain't got a few tins of beans
22:36if you were in a right state.
22:39I didn't know things were that bad.
22:41If your cupboards are bare,
22:42you can always send the boys to me for a feed.
22:45We'll say nothing of it.
22:46Me casserole is too casserole.
22:48Oh, for God's sake.
22:49We're just doing a bath of beans for charity.
22:50Well, we're trying.
22:51We're about 20 tins short.
22:52That's why we're here.
22:53Charlie's doing a camp out Saturday.
22:54Yeah.
22:55Nigel's digging a fire pit as we speak.
22:57Careful you don't fool him.
22:58Just whatever you can afford.
23:00Charlie's raised £78 so far.
23:02Yeah, £30, that's from you.
23:03He's having a camp out.
23:04Load of mates coming round for the telethon.
23:06Oh, which mates?
23:07Michael Godgen.
23:09Bradley.
23:10Who else?
23:11Jake.
23:12Jake!
23:13Maybe Alan could camp out instead of the beans.
23:16Oh, well, that's very...
23:17You'd like that, wouldn't you, with the boys?
23:19No, no.
23:20Oh, no, not with Charlie.
23:22He's done enough for charity already.
23:24No, no, I meant maybe Graeme could put a tent up in your garden.
23:27If he's got time.
23:28Of course he has.
23:29Yeah, we might do that.
23:30No, no, no, no, we will not.
23:33I'm watching the telethon.
23:34Oh, and Kay's staying over.
23:36Christine.
23:37I'd never let Charlie have a girl stay over.
23:39That flies round muck.
23:40Well, Alan and Kay are very sensible.
23:42Well, I suppose it's easier to trust them when they look like that.
23:45Alan respects girls, Ange.
23:46They learn from their fathers, don't they?
23:48Right, come on, Alan.
23:49Let's dig that tent out.
23:50It'll be an adventure.
23:51So, the sleepover.
23:52Sure you don't want me to bring anything?
23:54No, just yourself.
23:57I'll put out some light bites.
23:59And are you sure you're alright sleeping outside?
24:01It's a tent, Alan, not a kennel.
24:04So, I will have to ask my mum, but I'm sure you can.
24:27I'd love tea.
24:29Not.
24:30I'd rather sleep in a bin.
24:32Oh, my God.
24:34You did give me a no.
24:36She gave me a no.
24:37Why would I want to hang out with them two?
24:39You literally asked them if you could go, you idiot.
24:41Yeah, I'm the knob.
24:42They've got eight eyes between them.
24:44Well, they can see you're an idiot, then.
24:46Er, settle down, please.
24:51Ignore her.
24:52I always do.
24:53I think it sounds like a laugh, Alan.
24:55I love a light bite.
24:57I'd go.
24:58Er, settle down.
24:59Had all the girls in the class sipped on a love potion.
25:03I was irresistible.
25:06Right.
25:07Er, no.
25:08You forget, don't you?
25:10When you haven't done it for a bit.
25:12It'll all come back.
25:13You'll see.
25:14Ah, dib-dib-dab and all that.
25:16Let me read that.
25:17Ah, I don't, er, don't need that.
25:21My dad could build an 11-man, goal-scoring, league-winning team from scratch.
25:26A two-man tent?
25:28Forget it.
25:29Tom's come to help, and he's bought his Flash 10.
25:30All right.
25:31Yeah.
25:32Heard you're over the edge, flapping about.
25:33God, you must think we're incapable.
25:34We?
25:35No, I can, er, I can do it.
25:36I've just been distracted thinking about the game.
25:37Yeah, yeah, look, you do what you need to do.
25:38It's fine.
25:39Right, let's get this up.
25:40Oh, all right.
25:41Right.
25:42Thank you for coming over.
25:43I mean, I mean, I can do it.
25:44I mean, I can do it.
25:45I can do it.
25:46I've just been distracted thinking about the game.
25:48Yeah, yeah, look, you do what you need to do.
25:50It's fine.
25:51Right, let's get this up.
25:52Oh, all right.
25:53Right.
25:54Thank you for coming over.
25:57I mean, I can do it.
26:01Yeah, bye.
26:06See ya!
26:08Proper turn.
26:09Yeah, it is.
26:10Very nice.
26:11It's a palace.
26:13I said to him, make him suffer a bit.
26:15Oh, they will.
26:16It gets freezing in the early hours.
26:18I mean, we really have to snuggle up.
26:22Do you, erm, do you camp out a lot then?
26:25Yeah.
26:26Yeah, we do.
26:31It's not always easy,
26:33booking things, holidays, when you're...
26:37when you're a bus.
26:38No.
26:39No.
26:40Look, I didn't like to assume.
26:43Christine, I was blaring Nana Muscuri White Rose of Athens
26:47at full blast this morning.
26:48The signs were all there.
26:51I think I can get used to this.
27:00Wish we had a telly in here.
27:02Imagine a little telly that you could carry around with you.
27:05Not everyone's obsessed with telly, Alan.
27:07Oh, but they would be if they had one of those.
27:09Nothing else would get done.
27:13I wonder how the boys over the road are doing.
27:15I'm lucky they got Jake.
27:18He's very outdoorsy, isn't he?
27:21He doesn't even wear a coat during winter, just his burgundy fleece.
27:24I think he and his brother did Venture Scouts growing up.
27:29He could probably rub two stones together to make a fire.
27:31He is very dexterous.
27:34Isn't he?
27:35So dexterous it makes you sick.
27:38Bet you wish it was even here right now, don't you?
27:41Not really.
27:43Do you?
27:44Alan!
27:45Your friend's here.
27:46Georgie!
27:48Did you invite Georgie?
27:49No.
27:51I'd like to stroke your back.
27:53I'll have a light bite.
27:57Oh, my God, she fancies me.
28:01Oh, hello.
28:02Just wanted to see how you were after the other day.
28:04Oh, what happened the other day?
28:05Nothing.
28:06I just felt a bit sick.
28:07Oh.
28:09How lovely of you to check in.
28:11Yeah.
28:13Thanks.
28:15What was Georgie doing here?
28:17I could only fit so many girls in me tent.
28:21Was there anything else?
28:23Would you like a drink?
28:24No, liquids for me.
28:26I don't want to end up weeing in the bath.
28:27Yes, well, the girls might like one.
28:29Something fizzy.
28:30Oh, yeah, that would be great.
28:31Thanks.
28:32You pop in, love.
28:33Right, out we get.
28:34Come on.
28:41She's made an effort.
28:42She's wearing it.
28:43Come on.
28:44You're welcome.
28:45Your host on the next 27 hours, Michael Hasmore.
28:47Thank you very much, it's not a bad start.
28:48Welcome to telephone.
28:4927 hours of life.
28:50Hair up, hair down, scrunchie off, make your mind up, love.
29:07Then it hit me.
29:08She was flirting.
29:10God, is that Lionel Blair with a moustache?
29:13Watching the whole thing.
29:14Yes.
29:15Lisa Goddard's about to upsell down the BT Tower.
29:18What? It's 27 hours of pure magic, Georgie.
29:23Charlie Hudson lives near you, doesn't he?
29:25Yeah, just across the road.
29:26Boys are all camping at his tonight, Jake and them.
29:29Oh, I know. We're all at it.
29:32Maz was going to go too, but Charlie's mum said,
29:35can't trust a girl near a sleeping bag.
29:41We should bring in Margaret a celeb.
29:480-5-3-2-40-3-11-40-3.
29:54OK, let's go.
29:57Now we go to Southampton, TVS, Fern Britton and Fred Dynage.
30:01Hello, folks.
30:01It's ringing.
30:03Alan's great, isn't he?
30:05Yeah, he's great.
30:06He is great, yeah.
30:08They're ringing.
30:09Charlie said they were going to do a Ouija board.
30:11You shouldn't do them outdoors.
30:13The weather throws the results off.
30:14I think they were just mucking about.
30:16You don't muck about with the astral plane.
30:18I'm through.
30:19Oh, nice.
30:19Have you ever done one?
30:21Why are you here to see Alan?
30:23You never normally bother with Alan.
30:25Me and my sister did one.
30:26We got this woman.
30:28She'd been murdered by her neighbour.
30:29Hit her over the head with a frying pan.
30:32She spelt out F-R-Y.
30:36I can spell frying pan, thanks.
30:39She said he's still out there somewhere.
30:42He'll kill again.
30:44Evening old!
30:46Hurrah!
30:46Welcome back.
30:54Fancy a little nightcap?
30:56Um, yeah.
30:57Yeah, um, just a minute.
31:01Sorry, love.
31:02Nick's here to see your dad.
31:03You're going to have to go upstairs.
31:04Oh, really?
31:07Alan's been having a pyjama.
31:09Sleepover, I think.
31:11We're giving him a bit of space.
31:12Fair play, mate.
31:13You crack on Don Julio.
31:18Naughty dog, innit?
31:20Shall we?
31:24Beautiful home.
31:26Lovely to finally meet you, Chrissie.
31:28It's Christine.
31:29Here, do us a favour.
31:31Crack this open for us, will you?
31:32Oh!
31:34Oh, hey.
31:35Only joking.
31:38Safe friends and your keeper.
31:39Yeah, Vince.
31:41You should probably learn his name.
31:42Nah, sod that.
31:43Ain't learning all them names.
31:45They won't last.
31:47Oh!
31:48Speaking of which, you might want to have a sit-down.
31:51I am sitting.
31:52You might want to have a lie-down, then.
31:55Right, I'll get the glasses.
31:58Redhead.
31:59Very nice.
32:01Always been partial to a redhead.
32:03I've settled on a blonde for now,
32:04but I truly believe men should experience every colour of the rainbow.
32:09Bugger me!
32:10When did Lionel Blair get its hash?
32:16If you thought it was tense downstairs.
32:20Have you seen Goldspot?
32:23No.
32:23I know what we could do.
32:30You did what?
32:32I sold him.
32:33He's gone.
32:34Out the door.
32:35He wanted to say bye to you,
32:37but I know how emotional you get about these things, Gray,
32:39and I couldn't put the poor bugger through it.
32:41He's just a kid.
32:42He's 28.
32:43Yeah, whatever.
32:44The point is...
32:4528?
32:46Bloody hell!
32:47He's getting on a bit.
32:48I did you a favour there.
32:50Take him out back and shoot him.
32:51Never mind sell him.
32:52I signed him on his 18th birthday.
32:54It took 10 years,
32:55but he's there now.
32:57He's solid.
32:57Apparently so.
32:59Silly bastard paid 15k for him.
33:02See, but this is what I'm talking about, Gray.
33:04I signed him on his 18th birthday.
33:06You're too attached.
33:07I'm not attached,
33:08but you consult me before selling my strongest defender.
33:11We discuss these things.
33:12Discuss it?
33:13What for?
33:14You'd say tomato.
33:16I'd say tomato,
33:17but I don't want to call the whole thing off, Gray,
33:19because we're barely getting started, son.
33:21We need him.
33:22We need cash.
33:24We need lots of cash, Graham,
33:26and fast.
33:27Here we go.
33:32Up the cobblers.
33:37Georgie, there's a toilet up there.
33:40Something told me Georgie wasn't after a midnight snack.
33:45Our team goes that way.
33:47Your team goes that way.
33:48Norby, give it that way.
33:50Stop picking it that way.
33:52Sometimes they're in three breaks.
33:57You shall boo the ref a week.
34:04Bit of fresh air, yeah.
34:05I mean, we could just sit in the garden for a little bit.
34:08Who lives there?
34:08Well, I'm both Tom and Jess sometimes, I think.
34:12Two blokes?
34:13What, are they brothers?
34:14No, they're not brothers.
34:15They're...
34:16friends.
34:19Sounds well gay.
34:21Dare you.
34:22Oh.
34:27This is tedious.
34:29We just sat watching a woman put a harness on for ten minutes.
34:31That woman is one of the great comic minds of our time.
34:34Have you seen Give Us a Clue?
34:35Egg it.
34:36Go on.
34:36Egg the door.
34:37You egg it.
34:38That's not how it works.
34:39I don't do.
34:40How about no one eggs the door?
34:42Watch this.
34:46See?
34:46Easy.
34:47What's the problem?
34:49You mates with these benders or something?
34:50Good shot.
34:58Oh, there's so much egg in an egg.
35:00Which one's Charlie's house?
35:01The one on the corner.
35:03Be back in a minute.
35:11She's not coming back, is she?
35:12No.
35:13Let's go back in.
35:14We don't want to miss Des O'Connor.
35:15Uh, I'll keep an eye on her.
35:18Say hello to Jake.
35:19Georgie.
35:32Georgie.
35:33Are you in there?
35:35Shh.
35:36Get in.
35:37Oh.
35:38Hi.
35:39Hi.
35:39Hello.
35:41Jake.
35:42Good timing.
35:43Drink?
35:45Yeah, go on then.
35:47I'd watched enough Jilly Gordon on food and drink to know which face to pull neck in spirits.
35:53Limit your reaction to just one eyelid.
35:55A manly sigh at the end.
35:57Do not cough.
35:58Cough.
35:59Cough.
35:59Cough.
36:00Cough.
36:00Cough.
36:01Oh.
36:01Oh, that's on your chest, that.
36:03We're playing Never Have I Ever.
36:05Oh, God.
36:06Let's do something else, eh?
36:07No.
36:08Georgie's turn.
36:08Go on.
36:10Hmm.
36:11Never have I ever done fourth base.
36:15I knew what first base was, but beyond that, I had no idea.
36:20First base, fourth base.
36:21How many bases does a woman have?
36:23I'm sure Alan can help you, Georgie.
36:25Don't worry, Al.
36:26It's just a game, innit?
36:27Yeah, well, you'll know who you've got your eye on.
36:30Oh, shut it, Bradley.
36:31Leave Alan alone.
36:32I'm bored of this now.
36:33Come on.
36:36How's your tent?
36:38It was something quite liberating.
36:40I'd love to live in a tent, me.
36:42Waking up to that zip coming down every morning, it would make me smile.
36:45That sounds good to me.
36:47Never change, Alan.
36:48Hello, happy campers.
36:50I'm going to hide a few pepperamis around the garden.
36:53A couple of Twixies.
36:54You can sniff them out like little badgers.
36:56We've got stuff in here.
36:57Yeah, but you want the full wilderness experience, don't you?
37:01Can you just get lost, Mum?
37:02Oh, someone's getting the grumpy wumps.
37:05All right, my angel.
37:06Oh, little clue for you.
37:09Flowerpot.
37:11That's all I'm saying.
37:12Thanks, Ange.
37:24Kate?
37:26Hey, Pete.
37:26Come on, Chris.
37:33Sorry, Ange.
37:34You Christine's, mate?
37:36I'm in Charlie's class.
37:38Oh, the little elderly girl.
37:41Right.
37:42Out you get.
37:43Oh, excuse me.
37:44We've got a couple of stowaways.
37:45Alan, you've left poor Kay on her own.
37:48Out.
37:48Alan, he's not in there.
37:49I mean, he might not be.
37:54Christine, you were having some sort of episode.
37:56Georgie came round to us to see Alan, but obviously got other ideas when she heard there was a tent full of boys across the road.
38:00Excuse me.
38:01Nigel, do us something.
38:03Christine, come on, sweetheart.
38:05Don't.
38:06Oh, hi, Mum.
38:07What's that?
38:08Give me that.
38:09Right.
38:09All of you, out.
38:10Now.
38:11Come on.
38:13Right.
38:13You mind the twigs?
38:16Out.
38:17What is your mum like?
38:20Oh, come on.
38:21Georgie, I can see your top not poking through the sleeping bag.
38:26They've been drinking.
38:27It weren't me.
38:28Yeah, you only gave us a fag.
38:30Oh, Radley, stop talking.
38:31It was me.
38:32I brought it.
38:33Sorry.
38:34I can't believe this.
38:35You have no idea what's going on in your back garden.
38:37You've got kids in a...
38:39Did Alan put you up to this, my darling?
38:44Of course he didn't.
38:45Because I know he was gagging to get in that tent.
38:47Right, Alan, we're off.
38:49And you, Georgie.
38:50Get your stuff from ours.
38:52I thought you said you could trust him.
38:54You don't even know what's going on in your own back garden.
38:58State of it.
39:02Christine, don't you walk away from me.
39:05Christine, I know you can hear me.
39:07You well-blooded cheek.
39:08At least I'm not losing other people's children.
39:10That's the first friend he's had around us.
39:11She's a rat out of the cage.
39:13Oh, yeah.
39:13You love to show up about your Charlie's mates
39:15because you haven't got any of your own.
39:17I'll remember that next time you come begging for food.
39:19Whoa.
39:20Begging?
39:20Calm down a bit.
39:21No, no, no, no.
39:22You crack on, girls.
39:23This is lovely stuff.
39:25They always like this.
39:26Yes.
39:26No.
39:27No, yeah, yeah.
39:27Once I get going, they're like wildcats, though.
39:30No biting, please, girls.
39:32No, I won't keep quiet.
39:33I'm fed up of it.
39:34We need to find out...
39:35Boys?
39:36Is everything all right?
39:38Someone's thrown eggs at our front door.
39:40We just sat down to watch the Golden Girls and then...
39:43Wah!
39:43God, that's awful.
39:44I'm so sorry.
39:45Oh.
39:46Do you reckon it was kids?
39:47Well, either that or a chicken fired when out mid-flight.
39:50Jez, it's not funny.
39:51You know, we had a lot of this sort of thing in the old place.
39:53Yeah.
39:53Just can't seem to leave us alone.
39:55Oh, my God, are you there?
39:57Yep.
39:58What?
39:59No.
40:00No, no.
40:01I was talking to you about carburettors earlier.
40:03He said he supported Dagan and Rovers.
40:05Oh, I'm sorry, Nigel.
40:06Which team should have put support?
40:08Arsenal?
40:10No!
40:10No!
40:12What?
40:13You've...
40:13You've done this on purpose.
40:14You've...
40:15You've been leading me on.
40:17Sorry, Nigel.
40:18You're really not a type at all.
40:20My God, it's spreading up the street.
40:22First your house, now theirs.
40:23I'm going to wake up like Nabaretto Lova.
40:25Right, can't we just stop?
40:26Please.
40:27I'll do it.
40:28I'll clean it up.
40:29It's...
40:29It's fine.
40:29It's nearly done anyway now, so...
40:31But thank you.
40:31Well, look, come in for a cuppa.
40:33I insist.
40:34As long as you're sure.
40:35Ah, yeah, yeah.
40:37You're Christine's friend.
40:38And, uh, you both of you can...
40:40With the both of...
40:41I'm going to put the kettle on.
40:43Come on.
40:43Why are you being rude?
40:45Well, we will not be coming.
40:46Good.
40:47You weren't invited.
40:50Oh, I understand.
40:51What is a welcome?
40:52How does it have been?
40:53I'm going to excuse it.
40:54How does it have been felt?
40:55I'll go anyway.
40:57No.
40:58Thank you very much.
41:01Oh, you're home.
41:06Yeah.
41:08But...
41:08There was me thinking sitting in a bar full of cold-baked beans was humiliating.
41:14But seeing him putting his arm round her and walking off, well,
41:17me toes curled and me stomach churned.
41:24There's plenty more fish in the sea, love.
41:27No, no, there aren't.
41:28That was my fish and they were...
41:31Oh, love.
41:32They're holding hands.
41:37I really felt that I had a chance.
41:40She just wasn't the one, darling.
41:47Night, Chrissie.
41:50I wasn't talking about Georgie.
41:53I know.
41:55I've known for ages.
42:00Night, Adam.
Recommended
44:10
|
Up next
57:55
1:04:36
41:45
40:00
43:54
55:35
54:24
42:07
41:47
19:52
47:29
41:47
17:55
47:15
43:10
23:31
46:40
1:03:38
49:25
57:01
47:59
55:32
Be the first to comment