- 2 months ago
Bob's Burgers 2025-11-23
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00:00Remember, live with the back.
00:04And if you're carrying something sharp,
00:06make sure you run to minimize the amount of time you're holding it.
00:09Safety is no accident, people!
00:12What the? I thought I slashed the palace remodeling budget.
00:15Oh, we're not renovating.
00:16Though an ice fresco would bring the room together.
00:18We're preparing for the loudest, most dangerous,
00:21and unsettling day of the year, my parents' anniversary.
00:24What's so unsettling about that?
00:26They have loud sex, don't they?
00:28Not just now. See, they get each other spectacular gifts,
00:30which gets them so worked up that the sex becomes dangerous for the city.
00:34Yeah. Last year, their love made so big
00:36it caused an earthquake that destroyed half the palace.
00:39I can still hear their screams of pleasure in my nightmares.
00:43Time for the big day!
00:45So, what's the plan this year?
00:47Orgy parade? Cock carnival?
00:49Turning yourself into an octopus so you and Mum can...
00:51Why am I pitching on this?
00:53Whatever do you mean?
00:54Did I count wrong? Is today not your and Mum's anniversary?
00:57No, that only comes once a year,
00:59which is exactly how long it takes the spank marks
01:01from last year's anniversary to go away.
01:03Whoa! How could I have forgotten?
01:06You've been asking too much of me!
01:08The only thing I've asked you to do in the past month is take a bath.
01:11And now I smell phenomenal. It's thrown me completely off.
01:15Wait, if you forgot, then why'd you say time for the big day?
01:18Because it's always the big day when you're the big dog.
01:20If your mother finds out that I didn't plan anything, she'll kill me.
01:24Or worse, not give me my anniversary spanks.
01:27Then how will I remember for next year?
01:29This is a snowballing disaster!
01:31Is there a chance your mother forgot as well?
01:33Time for the big day!
01:35Because you're the big dog? Or...
01:37Happy anniversary, schlub!
01:39Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Yes!
01:43Just a little further...
02:10If the gift is the blindfold itself, then that would be enough for me!
02:14Oh, don't be silly.
02:15When have our anniversary gifts been anything short of grandiose
02:18and increasingly hard to outdo?
02:20That is the spirit of the holiday, yes.
02:24Now look up!
02:25Nyx, we're ready!
02:27Called in a favour from the goddess of night so you could see the gift.
02:33I get older, the days get shorter.
02:40You made me a comet!
02:43It wasn't easy shaping a giant dirty snowball in your image
02:46and flinging it out into space so that it only appears once every year on our anniversary,
02:49but I think it turned out rather well.
02:52Look at my haunches! They're literally glowing!
02:55And I hope they're ready for a spanking later.
02:58Thank you, darling. It's amazing!
03:00And now I await your gift with near impossible expectations,
03:04knowing that this time it needs to be fitting for a wife, goddess and a queen.
03:09Yes, you won't be disappointed.
03:13OK, thanks, hon. We're good.
03:16Well, back to the grind.
03:18I'm calling them togas.
03:21Like togas, but for toes.
03:23Guess it's still the same word.
03:24Anyway, they keep your feet warm.
03:26And smelly.
03:27Count me in.
03:32Daphne broke up with me.
03:34Oh, no!
03:35That little wood nymph?
03:36She said we weren't right for each other and refused to elaborate.
03:41She cut off all discussion on the matter after only, like, three hours!
03:47What's that thing Hippo likes being?
03:49Rational?
03:50Yeah, he's not even trying to do that.
03:52I don't think he's OK.
03:54You know what?
03:55Foot Fashion can wait.
03:56Let's pull our brother out of these dumps.
03:58What do you want me to do?
03:59Act all friendly, glad hand party guy and show him a good time?
04:03Spend the whole night drinking and shenaniganing?
04:05I mean, I got nothing against the Nans.
04:08I'm just saying.
04:09It might take a little more than that to cheer this guy up.
04:12Get out of my way.
04:14I'm absolutely screwed if I don't find a mind-blowing gift for your mother in this chest of magical wonders.
04:21This is nothing.
04:22Genie in a lamp.
04:24Too tacky.
04:25I found it!
04:26There's got to be a shorter way to say that.
04:29Did he say genie in a lamp?
04:33Happy anniversary, Deliria.
04:35A stick?
04:36You shouldn't have.
04:37It's not just any stick.
04:39It's a time travel stick.
04:41Kronos gave it to me as a thank you for being his wingman during something called the Crusades.
04:46Bloody time.
04:47But lots of zealous hotties.
04:48Anyway, it's good for one round trip to a time of our choosing.
04:53Oh, time travel.
04:54Seems a little impersonal, but I suppose...
04:56I wasn't finished.
04:57I am going to use this stick to take us to...
05:03Our very first anniversary.
05:06Well, I'm excited to see where you're going with this.
05:10Uh, yes, because of course there is a whole fully wrought plan of which this magical visit to our former selves is but a small part.
05:19What then? Do we join them?
05:22Well, technically we mustn't interact.
05:24Kronos was clear.
05:25This is more of a look-don't-touch situation.
05:28But what kind of a gift would it be if it didn't involve a little rule breaking?
05:33Hello there.
05:34Now this is going to be hard for you to wrap your heads around, but you're us from the future.
05:40Bring it in. Drink with us.
05:42Behold, I am here to grant your heart's desires and maybe make some friends along the way.
05:53The rules are simple.
05:54Yeah, yeah, we don't need the rules. We've been to a genie before.
05:57Just everybody remember to be careful. These guys are notoriously tricky and love to mess up wishes.
06:03Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not me. No, that is not how I operate at all.
06:08I really focus much less on the letter of the wish than the spirit.
06:12Sure.
06:13It's true. I've been in the Vos 2,000 years. I'm not going to blow a chance to make new friends.
06:20All right. Our goal here is to help our brother.
06:23I don't need help. I got a genie.
06:25Yeah, that's the spirit.
06:28Wait, you're not going to make Daphne want you back or anything creepy like that.
06:32Of course not. I'm not a psycho. Or not that kind of psycho. Daphne said we weren't right for each other.
06:37There you go. Yes.
06:38Which means there's something wrong with me.
06:40Exactly. Wait, no, what?
06:45So, one year in, how are things going between the younger us?
06:49Oh, it's been divine. Volatile. Passionate. Constant drama.
06:53On a vase, we're wildly incompatible. She's a god. I'm a monster. She's ageless. I'm basically a baby to her.
06:59She likes peanuts. I can't get on with the shells. But that's what makes a relationship so exciting.
07:05Our love did start out pretty messy and hot, didn't it?
07:08In fact, it's good you came. Things have been feeling a little too comfortable, too dull between us.
07:13Am I thinking what I'm thinking? Well, I certainly hope so. What would you say to a little schlub swap?
07:19I spend the day with your deliria and you spend the day with mine. The only rule, no rules.
07:25I'd never turn down a little temporal swinging. Or would I?
07:29No, that stays constant. Oh, it's settled then. We swap our schlubs for the day and we can rendezvous with this big Olympus party tonight as each other's dates.
07:38Ah, schlub, you've really topped yourself this year.
07:42Not yet, I haven't. But there's no time for that. Let the schlub swap commence.
07:47Hey guys!
07:56Cause I mean shoo shoo shoo, shoo shoo shoo, shoo shoo shoo shoo, sugar town.
08:04Gemini, which of these would be a little less expected?
08:07Check out the alliums. They'd go great with the hydrangeas below.
08:10Will those last till Saturday?
08:11Yeah, they should last until Saturday if they're kept in water.
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09:46My skin, my way.
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10:33The following program contains coarse language and content that some viewers may find offensive.
10:39Viewer discretion is advised.
10:45Oh, that was incredible.
10:47What is that thing you did with your tongue?
10:49My schlop can't do that.
10:51The double-jointed tongue isn't the only trick I've picked up.
10:54And future me gets to experience that all the time.
10:57Absolutely.
10:58I've upgraded in many ways.
11:00I hope my delirium can get past the awful bachelor cave I used to live in.
11:05Incredible.
11:06I truly forgot how taut your skin was.
11:10And your filthy bachelor cave only adds to the thrill.
11:13There's no way my future self is enjoying this as much as I am.
11:19I love sealing sex.
11:21I love sex on a bear.
11:24I love sex in a jar.
11:27I love this pattern.
11:28These would make great curtains.
11:29What a perfect anniversary.
11:35I'm glad to hear you say it.
11:37Although anniversaries aren't the most important thing.
11:40You could say, forget one.
11:42You could, but if my schlop actually did that, I would consider it a betrayal of Zeusian proportions.
11:50Of course.
11:50One which, if confessed, would result in absolute catastrophe.
11:55My rage would have no limit.
11:57Why do you ask?
11:57No reason.
11:59Shall we go again?
12:00What to change?
12:01What to change?
12:02I could give myself photosynthesis.
12:04Sekiro teeth.
12:05Stickier mucus.
12:07Hippo, you are perfect exactly the way you are.
12:10Oh, okay.
12:11So hold on.
12:12My super hot assassin nymph girlfriend said I'm not right.
12:15But my half-virgin brother says I'm perfect.
12:17I'm not a virgin.
12:18You're virgin-ish.
12:20You're virgin-esque.
12:21I'm not any of those things.
12:22Maybe virgin adjacent.
12:24But as someone who also dated Daphne, by the way.
12:26You kissed once.
12:27And wasn't she trying to assassinate you?
12:30Okay.
12:30Whatever you want to call what happened between me and Daphne.
12:33Nothing.
12:33Assassination attempt.
12:34You know, you're not helping.
12:36I'm just saying I've had my share of heartbreaks, okay?
12:38Before you change anything, give me a chance to prove that you're not the problem.
12:42You just need a little cheering up.
12:44You know what helped when Demeter and I broke up?
12:46The fact that you dated for one day and mom broke up with her for you?
12:50No, I treated myself.
12:51So, Jeannie, I wish we had a bottle of nice wine.
12:54The kind of wine made from grapes, not the sound time makes when its toga rides up.
12:57Okay, let me be more specific.
12:59It's really not necessary.
13:01I make a lovely red.
13:03You wish.
13:03That's fine, too.
13:04And you know what?
13:05You can call me Synovius.
13:06That's my name.
13:08Jeannie, I wish Hippo was getting pampered.
13:11Pampered.
13:11Gotta watch out for those near rhymes.
13:13Don't want Hippo getting trampled or gram-pulled.
13:16What is gram-pulled?
13:18When your grandpa shows up and pulls your intestines out of your butt.
13:22Well, I think we can all agree that the schlub swap was a success.
13:26And Cronos said this would be bad.
13:28I've never had more consequence-free sex in my life.
13:32Schlub, what an amazing gift.
13:34And to top it all off with a huge party on Mount Olympus.
13:38However, did you arrange it all?
13:39An entire year of single-minded preparation, my dear.
13:42Fantastic.
13:44So thoughtful.
13:45Yes.
13:46So what's next?
13:47Next?
13:48Yes.
13:48Where does it go from here?
13:50From?
13:50I mean, you've been diligently planning it for an entire year.
13:53So what's the big finale?
13:55Finale!
13:56I'll tell you what the big finale is.
13:58It's me revealing I know you didn't plan any of this.
14:02You've been making it up as you go.
14:04Admit it.
14:05You forgot our anniversary.
14:07Absolutely not.
14:08The finale is all at the same time, every volcano in the world will erupt painting a picture of you in the sky made of lava.
14:16And it happens right now.
14:18I was hoping maybe I planned that during a blackout.
14:26So, are you feeling better about the breakup?
14:29No.
14:29No?
14:30Why not?
14:31Because I'm still me, Ty.
14:33Oh, come on.
14:34You know what?
14:35We did things your way.
14:36Genie, I wish I didn't need this stupid bowl to breathe and also that I had a glorious mustache.
14:42Must-stache.
14:44What word could I even confuse that with?
14:46Oh, I don't know.
14:47Moustache?
14:48Stoop, we can't let him...
14:49Either way, your wish is my command.
14:51No.
14:53Aw, well, what can I get you for your last two wishes?
14:57What?
14:57Two?
14:58But you said you knew the rules.
15:00Hippo, you're fine as is.
15:02Your only problem is not accepting this.
15:04I need to show her I've changed.
15:05Fine, let's see how that would go.
15:07We'll roleplay it.
15:08Genie, I wish I looked and sounded like Daphne.
15:10What?
15:10What?
15:13Well, hello, Hippo.
15:15Ty, what the hell?
15:16Yeah, this is super weird.
15:18No, it isn't.
15:19Hippo, just talk to me the way you would...
15:21The way I'd talk to my girlfriend if I knew she was actually my brother?
15:24No, I mean...
15:26We only have one wish left.
15:28If I were more like Daphne, I believe our relationship might work.
15:32So, Genie, I wish I was a tree.
15:34What?
15:34I'd literally whatever you want.
15:38Go get her, Hippo.
15:41It's all true.
15:42The time travel, the schlub swap, all just a desperate attempt to avoid disappointing you.
15:46Are you contemplating how to punish me in a way I won't enjoy?
15:50That'll be hard.
15:51But I know you can think of something.
15:53Surprisingly, no.
15:55But you said you consider it a betrayal of Zeusian proportions.
15:59What?
15:59I never said that.
16:00Past deliria did.
16:01Well, of course, back then I'd have been furious.
16:04Raised a whole village to the ground to prove it.
16:06But I suppose I no longer feel the need.
16:09I find I'm quite relaxed.
16:11Accepting?
16:12How odd.
16:14Relaxed?
16:15Accepting?
16:15I can't believe what I'm hearing.
16:18With which part are you struggling?
16:19The part where he forgot your anniversary and you said,
16:23Oh, I'm done caring about whether my husband fears and respects me.
16:26That's a generous paraphrase.
16:29I, too, am rather alarmed.
16:30Could I even love a delirier who wouldn't tear me a third one for a mistake like this?
16:35As we all know, I already have two from a previous tearing incident.
16:40Oh, trust me, the drama gets old after a thousand years.
16:42A thousand years?
16:44We're together for a thousand years?
16:46Next you're going to tell me you have a tiny child running around sucking the life out of you.
16:50Three, actually, that we know of.
16:52Shlub, I think we should break up.
16:53It was a fun year, but I have no interest in a relationship where slights and insults are simply forgiven.
16:59I'd rather be dead.
17:01Couldn't agree more.
17:02Break up accepted.
17:04You can't break up.
17:06What does that even mean for us?
17:13Happy anniversary!
17:16I've never seen a hole that looked more unwelcoming, and I've seen my fair share.
17:20Perhaps that has something to do with us meddling with the past.
17:25Time travel paradox!
17:29Hi, Kronos, the guy who warned you not to mess with time.
17:32What it looks like, you messed with time!
17:36Don't let the singing fool you.
17:38I do it when I'm mad, and I am super pissed!
17:45Care to explain what's going on?
17:47It's simple. You breaking up in the past is quite literally causing the fabric of reality to fall apart.
17:54If you don't stay together, the universe will implode.
17:57Does that exposition expose it enough for you?
17:59But the universe is where I do most of my existing.
18:02And lovemaking.
18:03Call off your perverted little suck-hole, Kronos.
18:07Nobody wants to play your stupid games.
18:09Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! It's not my suck-hole, and this isn't a game.
18:13I'm telling you, everything will end.
18:16Okay, why don't you two just get back together and fix the universe?
18:19I already told you, I'd rather be dead than end up like this pushover.
18:24I literally cannot emphasize this enough.
18:27Universe ending bad!
18:30God, we really were an overly dramatic couple back then.
18:34What the hell do we do?
18:36Maybe we just need to show our younger selves that we can still be dramatic.
18:39Loud, obnoxious fight?
18:41Follow my lead.
18:42Baby, tear me a third one.
18:45Fine! You want the truth?
18:46Why I didn't appear to get mad with you?
18:48It's because I'm always mad at you, schlub.
18:51I put up with a lot.
18:53Your squeaky hooves, your pea corner, your other pea corner, your third pea corner,
18:57your excessive use of the word Opa, your hairballs and vice versa.
19:02So why would I be surprised that I wrote our love in the stars for you
19:05and got nothing in return but a husband who forgot about the most important day of the year to me?
19:11Okay, I think that's good.
19:13Maybe my past self is right.
19:15Maybe this relationship has made me too soft.
19:18I need some time to think things over.
19:20Devastated animal exit.
19:26Well, the universe had a good run.
19:32Guess we're all gonna die.
19:37That was our last wish.
19:39I don't care.
19:40I'm going to see Daphne.
19:42The real Daphne.
19:44Why don't you carry me?
19:45Hippo, look at yourself.
19:47You shouldn't have to change this much to make someone love you.
19:51Oh, God.
19:51What have I done?
19:52How am I going to live as a tree?
19:53What do I eat?
19:54How do I poop?
19:56Because, yep, I do not have an anus.
19:59I don't know what that's for.
20:01Maybe a teensy little bird lives there.
20:04You guys were just looking out for me.
20:06Should have listened.
20:07And now you're stuck like this, too.
20:09You know, I could actually probably live with it if I have to.
20:12I'm sorry.
20:15But, yeah, no, we gotta fix this.
20:17I think I speak for all of us when I say we're just sorry you're going through this.
20:21And you don't have to change for us to love you.
20:23Jeannie, can't you just slip us an extra wish?
20:26To change my brother's back?
20:27I would.
20:28I totally would.
20:29But it's against the rules.
20:31And I really need this job.
20:33I have a ton of student debt.
20:35Jeannie's school is not cheap.
20:37Well, okay.
20:39But is it against the rules to hang out with your friends before heading back to your vase?
20:44Well, what the heck?
20:46One drink couldn't hurt.
20:47One drink couldn't hurt.
21:17You're not the genies.
21:17Because it feels like I'm the one getting my wishes granted right now.
21:22You're all right, Zenobius.
21:26I'm just worried about Hippo.
21:27What if somebody chops him down?
21:29Or he gets struck by lightning?
21:31Or turned into a chair?
21:33Or he gets wood rot?
21:34Or a woodworking class uses him to practice cabinets?
21:37Or he gets whittled into the shape of a little boat?
21:42You're right.
21:42You know what?
21:44Rules be damned.
21:45Friendship forever.
21:51It was for a teensy bird.
21:55I'm sorry you had to see us fight like that.
21:57Sorry?
21:58That was incredible.
21:59I've never seen myself so riled up.
22:01You really let me have it.
22:03Here was I thinking our relationship becomes perfect and I become boring.
22:06But it's messier than I could have ever imagined.
22:09Look at the resentment I come to harbor.
22:12It's genius, really.
22:13Pretending things are okay when actually they're not at all.
22:16Until everything comes out in one giant blow up.
22:19What could be more dramatic?
22:20Oh, if this is where we're heading, count me in.
22:23I agree.
22:24Plus, I've never wanted to coitus you so badly as I do right now.
22:31Well, what are we waiting for?
22:38Well, Cronos, grab a drink?
22:40Wish I could, but I am off to watch the formation of the Milky Way.
22:46The only way I know, brother.
22:48Ah, I hate you all.
22:53Deliria, I'm so glad you came back.
22:56Just to confirm, though, you're not actually mad at me, right?
22:59Because you were very convincing.
23:01I might have goosed my reaction to get the message across.
23:04So you don't wish you were still more like the other Deliria?
23:07You mean that dumb bitch who was willing to dump the monster
23:10who risked destroying the entire universe just to make her happy?
23:14Darling, I'd destroy a thousand universes to make you happy.
23:18Cheers to another wonderful year together.
23:23Just this once.
23:25Open!
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