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00:01Mum was a pig in muck that day.
00:03The sun was out, the cobblers were riding high.
00:06Nothing was gonna spoil her day.
00:09Judith!
00:13Nothing.
00:15Hi, Jill!
00:18Nothing.
00:20Morning. Anything for me?
00:22Oh, sod off.
00:24Okay, maybe that would.
00:30MUSIC
00:45Dan?
00:46Huh?
00:47Did the cobblers lose on Saturday?
00:49Oh, it'd be Cardiff City 3-2.
00:51You were there.
00:52Ref gave us a penalty last minute.
00:54Ah, bless him.
00:56If we won, why am I getting funny looks from everyone?
00:59It's those earmuffs. I've told you not to wear them.
01:02I don't!
01:03The muffs fell off. It's more of an Alice band now.
01:06I swear the lollipop lady gave me evils.
01:10Ask public enemy number one.
01:13Oh.
01:14I just spoke to the cron about being a football manager's wife.
01:17Your dad thinks I said too much.
01:19Oh.
01:20OK.
01:21I see a lot of envy in the street and that hurts.
01:25I am a person, you know. Cut me. I bleed.
01:29Well, I do.
01:30A friendly way from me brightens up the most mundane of Mondays for me neighbours.
01:37What were you thinking, Mum?
01:39I didn't say that. I said Tuesdays. They're twisting my words.
01:43Newspapers don't lie.
01:45And when it comes to me sons, me Alan's a slave to the prune jewels.
01:49He gets very banged up.
01:51One little comment.
01:52Why are you bringing up me constipation in a froth piece?
01:55It's a good job Alan and Gary don't want to be footballers.
01:57Their wives having to put up with this every time they open their mouths.
02:06My mum was wry.
02:08I couldn't follow in my dad's footsteps for my wife's sake.
02:12But I was on a different path and in a matter of moments
02:15I'd know exactly what path that was.
02:23Jake, what did you get?
02:25Architect.
02:26Oh, nice.
02:27Like Tom Selleck in Three Men and a Bear.
02:29Oi, oi, bum boy.
02:30You're on the other one.
02:31Mum, stick a prune up my arse.
02:33Oh, please, Mummy. It won't come out.
02:40So this was it.
02:41Next two.
02:42Questionnaire completed and a computer had decided our futures.
02:47The job you'd be doing until the day you died.
02:51Chamber maid?
02:53She wanted a career in the sciences.
02:55Well, she will be working with chemicals.
02:58Jif, dimestos and Alan.
03:01We all know where this is going.
03:03But will it be comedian, presenter, muse, national treasure?
03:06I can't go to prison.
03:09Would a grammar school pupil get prisoner?
03:11Where is the ambition?
03:13No, Kate.
03:14Prison warden.
03:15True.
03:16There it was.
03:17In black and white.
03:18Prison warden.
03:19What a slap in the face.
03:21It's like my hopes and dreams have been put on death row.
03:24You do get a uniform.
03:26I can't wear it at all grey.
03:28Look at me.
03:29I need a pop of colour.
03:31I know I tick working in dolls and meeting interesting people.
03:35But I meant socialites and celebrities.
03:38Not shoplifters and serial killers.
03:40He deserves a second chance.
03:42I'm afraid the computer doesn't lie.
03:44No, love, don't worry about it.
03:46I'll get something worse.
03:48What's worse than that?
03:49Careers advisor.
03:51Come on, Kate, grab your satchel.
03:54I think we've had quite enough.
03:57Shut the door, please.
04:08I'm crossing the picket line here.
04:09Social suicide.
04:11Just checking you're alright.
04:13What with the article.
04:15I know you've had hate mail.
04:17No. No, I haven't.
04:18It's coming.
04:19Look, I doubt most of them have even read it.
04:21Oh, Christine, there's been a meeting.
04:23I don't want to speak for the whole street, but the words Lady Muck were used.
04:27Cow.
04:28Silly cow.
04:30Rude cow.
04:31Any more.
04:32Oh, it's all in the minutes.
04:33I did try to defend you.
04:34I said she's not being rude.
04:35She's just a bit thick.
04:36But they got the pitchforks out, I'm afraid.
04:38This is just what happens with success.
04:40People turn on you.
04:42I mean, look at Fergie.
04:44Oh, Christine, that's it.
04:46You've got to do what the royals do.
04:48What, open a supermarket?
04:49No, have a garden party.
04:51They let all the plebs in for the afternoon, look at their pot plants.
04:53They're no-one minds that they cosy up to dictators and marry their cousins.
04:57Well, they're not going to come if they hate me that much, are they?
04:59Christine, they'd go to Saddam Hussein's house if he was giving them a free burger.
05:03Right.
05:04You think on it, yeah?
05:18Molly from 26.
05:19Oh!
05:20Hi, Molly.
05:21Welcome.
05:22Been back, Diane.
05:24Oh, Diane.
05:25Thanks for coming.
05:27Oh!
05:28Oh, you shouldn't have.
05:29Not good enough, eh?
05:30I'll drink it myself.
05:32Gee.
05:35Strong start.
05:36I'll come to something if you know you're going to hate it.
05:38I'm not going to watch the couples every week.
05:40It's true.
05:42Graham!
05:43Don!
05:44All right?
05:45Look, if you want to invite anyone, you can always use our phone.
06:01Call a friend?
06:03Bradley?
06:04Oh!
06:05Or Jake.
06:06Jake, maybe.
06:08Jake only lives 0.7 miles from here.
06:11Yeah, so...
06:12Yeah, why didn't you call him?
06:14Mum said she'll give me a fiver if I stay for an hour.
06:18Right.
06:19OK, there we go.
06:20Er...
06:21Solid bar.
06:22I'll have a burger, please.
06:23Mmm...
06:24Blanky.
06:25Are you all right, Paige?
06:26Yeah?
06:27Er...
06:28One of those.
06:29Ah, burger.
06:30Right.
06:31Over here.
06:32The right arm.
06:33Good.
06:34Good.
06:35Good.
06:36Did you...
06:37Move my sausages?
06:38No.
06:39All right, lads.
06:40Oh!
06:41Oh, something smells good!
06:42Oh...
06:43It's all right, Tom.
06:44Oh, I'm...
06:45Oh, I'm Tom.
06:46Oh.
06:47All right, Tom.
06:48All right, Tom.
06:49You all right?
07:02You all right?
07:03Graham.
07:04So, Nigel Hudson, how you doing?
07:05You all right?
07:06Nigel Hudson, how you doing, you all right?
07:08You after a burger?
07:09Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm on the job.
07:11Boss will catch me slacking.
07:12I saw the skip out front.
07:14Best years of my life working on a building site.
07:16Babe magnet, aren't you?
07:17Sitting up there with the legs swinging.
07:19Tell my Ange, she wolf whistled me.
07:23Right, and what do you do now?
07:26Insoles, yeah, we're number one supplier
07:28in the West Midlands area.
07:30Big demand for insoles then?
07:33Just a bit, mate.
07:34When we look around you, how many feet are here?
07:37You got, what, 20 old guests, two feet each?
07:39That's a lot of feet.
07:46Yeah, I know, it sure is.
07:48Now, what about you, Graeme?
07:50What do you do?
07:51Oh, here we go.
07:53Go on in, tell him.
07:54I'm a football manager, Northampton Town Cobblers.
07:58Never.
08:00Really?
08:01Oh, God.
08:02You guys are doing pretty well.
08:04Yeah, yeah, I'm doing all right.
08:05They're really chucking that Dijon.
08:07Ugh.
08:08This is my eldest, Alan.
08:10Alan, this is Tom.
08:12He's next door's builder.
08:14Hello, Tom.
08:15You going to play football like your old man?
08:17Not unless they build a pitch in strange ways.
08:20His careers advisor says he's going to be a prison warden.
08:23Oh.
08:24Computers don't, they?
08:25Oh, come off it.
08:27Computers can't predict the future.
08:29My wife can.
08:30Mm-hmm.
08:31Yeah.
08:32You know, Debs, she can, you know, see things.
08:38And she's right every time.
08:40She knew I needed a root canal months before the dentist.
08:44I'm trying to get her on to you, bet.
08:46But she doesn't like to shout about it.
08:48It's true, Debs.
08:49You psychic.
08:50What did I just say?
08:51I'd say, boy.
08:52Who needed a computer when you had a chain-smoking,
08:56a cardie-wearing oracle at your fingertips?
09:08I come bearing gifts.
09:10Well, gift.
09:11Oh.
09:12Oh, I'm your new neighbor, Jess.
09:15Please do help yourself to a wine or a burger.
09:21Chris, look who I just found.
09:24Oh, Ron.
09:25So glad you could make it.
09:27Wouldn't miss this for the world.
09:28Lovely to see you.
09:32It's quite turnout.
09:33Well, it is considering.
09:35Last time I let her near a dictaphone.
09:37Maybe just a quick reading.
09:39Larry, I call on the cop in peace.
09:42Well, Ron, there's nothing to see here.
09:44Watch out.
09:44It was my future.
09:46I wanted spoilers.
09:47I predict that you are going to need a rest after all this.
09:52Speaking of predictions,
09:54if someone had a question about the future...
09:58What do you want to know?
09:59Me?
10:00God, I don't know.
10:01I haven't really thought about it all up in the moment, me.
10:04God, you really put me on the spot, you have, Debs.
10:08Am I going to be a prison warden?
10:11Why?
10:12Do you want to be?
10:13Swinging round a tranchion?
10:14Of course I don't.
10:15Of course I don't.
10:16It was a prediction.
10:18Well, what else did this psychic say?
10:23No, it wasn't a psychic.
10:24It was a Commodore 64.
10:26I'm not following you, Alan.
10:27I read a thing the other day that a prisoner made a machete out of a toothbrush, swallowed
10:31it all, pooed it out and shanked someone.
10:33Alan, why are you telling me this?
10:37That computer robbed me of my future, Debs.
10:40I should have some hope.
10:42No second opinion.
10:44Please give me a reading.
10:46Maybe later, love.
10:48Just finished me calling on the cop.
10:53I can't relax with you working over there whilst we're having all this fun.
10:56You sure I can't tempt you to a beer?
10:58Oh, I don't drink and drill, Christine.
11:00Well, there might not be any left later.
11:01The old streets come.
11:03I think they needed a bit of a need.
11:05Don't want to get in trouble with the boss, do I?
11:07Right.
11:08Wouldn't want to upset Jez.
11:09Why not?
11:10You've upset everyone else.
11:13I think you've had enough.
11:21Sorry, Debs.
11:22I know you've got everyone bending your ear, but
11:25just wondering if you see any babies on the horizon.
11:29I think that ship's sailed, don't you?
11:31Ship's sailed?
11:32I am years off that, thank you.
11:33No, I mean grandchildren.
11:36Oh, right.
11:37I've always wanted to be Nanny Hange.
11:40But Charlie's a bit of a heartthrob.
11:43I'm worried he won't settle.
11:45Well, I'll see what comes to me.
11:49Would you?
11:52You getting anything?
11:53It's not instant.
11:54I know.
11:57Lovely weather for it.
11:59Dry.
12:00Yeah.
12:02We've had some good times, haven't we?
12:03We'll have plenty more, I'm sure.
12:06Seventh in the league.
12:13You all right?
12:14I'm not drunk already, are you?
12:16Drunk?
12:16No.
12:18Wish I was.
12:19Make this a lot easier.
12:24Oh, hello.
12:24It's funny you say about babies, because I can see you with a big belly.
12:32A big, round belly.
12:35Waddling you are.
12:38Around the shop.
12:38What?
12:39What?
12:39What?
12:41Debs.
12:41Oh.
12:44Is Nigel the father?
12:47It's not Ron's, is it?
12:49Because there is a frisson.
12:50You're not pregnant.
12:52No.
12:54Shoving something up your jumper.
12:57Oh.
12:59Now there's an arm on your shoulder.
13:01I don't understand, Debs.
13:03Is this sexual?
13:04Oh, store detective caught in the act.
13:08I have stopped all that.
13:10I only did it twice for the adrenaline.
13:12Packet of 40 denny of tights and a lip gloss.
13:14Oh.
13:15Now there's blue flashing lights.
13:17Debs, you are scaring me.
13:18Oh, look.
13:19I'm sorry, it's just I see what I see.
13:21Where's that drink?
13:22Here's me drink.
13:24So?
13:25What did she say?
13:26I'm waiting for Ed's to meet.
13:28You all right, Ange?
13:29Oh.
13:30You're very pale.
13:31She sees it all.
13:33Your darkest secrets.
13:36I'll come off here.
13:37It's only a bit of a laugh.
13:38It's not a laugh, Christine.
13:39She's got a third eye under that fringe.
13:43It sort of gushes out of her.
13:45Things you do not want to know.
13:46God knows what she said to Geraldine, but she's just thrown her wedding in a bush.
13:52No, I'd stay clear if I were you.
13:55Well clear.
13:57But she can't see everything, can she?
14:01Everything.
14:03She knows you better than you know yourself.
14:04Oh, my God.
14:12Eh, Graham, I've got something I want to tell you.
14:16Okay.
14:16That is work done.
14:27Oh, Christine.
14:29I couldn't have that beer that you were teasing me with.
14:31Cheers, aren't you sweet?
14:32Letting your builder knock off early.
14:34Hmm.
14:36And this shepherd's pie.
14:38Beautiful.
14:40It's actually moussaka.
14:42Your wife's in the oranges.
14:44Hasn't she just?
14:46Debs.
14:47Oh, I'm trying, love.
14:48I am.
14:49Let's leave it.
14:50I think I'll get there, love.
14:51Don't worry about the old prison thing.
14:53The uniform's growing on me, and who doesn't have a metal detector?
14:57It's no trouble, love.
14:58Okay, sirrah, sirrah.
15:00Because I think I'm getting some...
15:01Leave it, Debs!
15:07Right, gather round, everyone.
15:09After polishing off a caraffa wine, Mum was ready to address her subjects.
15:17Come on, don't be shy.
15:18I wanted to thank you all for coming.
15:21It's lovely to see such a big turnout.
15:24You might hate me, but you love a free wine.
15:27LAUGHTER
15:30No.
15:32No.
15:34I'm sorry if my comments in the cron were...
15:37bit much.
15:38I honestly didn't mean to patronise...
15:42talk down to you.
15:44We know what patronise means.
15:46I never meant to put me foot in it.
15:48Size six, high-end soles.
15:50I love you all.
15:52I do.
15:53And if smiling and waving at you is a crime, well, then lock me up.
15:56There you go. That's your first customer.
15:58I love seeing your little faces light up.
16:03In fact, do you know what? I'm going to do this again.
16:07I'm going to do this bi-annually.
16:10What's ÂŁ176 planned?
16:12Now, I know that's a lot to you lot, but if it spreads a bit of happiness...
16:16Oh, Jesus Christ.
16:17Because I love you. I do.
16:20Yeah.
16:20And I love my boys. Get up here, boys. Where's my Alan?
16:24Wait!
16:24Eat, drink, and be merry.
16:27I'm getting something.
16:28There you go. Showtime.
16:30She does this when it's the big one, OK?
16:32But she can't get a signal through the wall.
16:35Um, no. Actually, I...
16:36It's ever so clear, this one.
16:39Should we do this inside?
16:40I can see.
16:41Oh, you're knackered, Debs. You don't know what you're saying.
16:43They're all saying.
16:45Clapping. People clapping. Hundreds of them.
16:49Go on.
16:49And one of those mirrors with the little light bulbs all around it.
16:54Oh, his little face. Glowing.
17:00Oh, and there's a camera.
17:03I knew it, Mum. This is my future.
17:05Come on, Debs.
17:06I'm gonna be famous.
17:08Not you.
17:10Him.
17:11Ah.
17:12Gary?
17:13Gary?
17:14Me.
17:15King!
17:16Oh, I knew she had it in her.
17:18This is not fair.
17:19He's to be in prison. I should be the one on stage.
17:21Oh, my God.
17:24Memory.
17:27All alone in the moonlight.
17:31I can smile at the old days.
17:35Alan, Alan, Alan, shh.
17:37People are eating, love.
17:38Get off that. You'll break it.
17:40Look, I see what I see.
17:43Yeah, we'll try seeing something else.
17:45Did you hear her? Little star.
17:48God, the papers have been knocking again.
17:50There's more.
17:50Don't pack it in now, Debs, you've had your fun.
17:52Someone is moving on.
17:56She's opened the floodgates now. Come on, Debs.
18:00Someone is leaving.
18:04Oh, I've got to go and feed the cat.
18:06They're coming out of something difficult.
18:10Oh, they've paid too great a price.
18:13Good, are my hairs a standing up?
18:15A secret burns inside of them.
18:21Graham, I better tell you before Nostradamus does.
18:27I'm leaving the club.
18:28No, it's gone. Sorry.
18:33There's no more cash.
18:34I've run out.
18:36I can't take you any further.
18:40Oh, Graham, grab some kitchen rolls.
18:56Hey, love.
18:58Have hot dog. They'll only go in the bin.
18:59We can't help it.
19:04We're just destined for greatness, this family.
19:07I'm not.
19:09Oh, Alan, since when have you listened to your teachers?
19:12I can't be a prison warden.
19:15Of course you can't.
19:16You get claustrophobic putting on a roll neck.
19:17I just felt that the future would be better than...
19:21now.
19:26Oh, Alan.
19:27We'll have a brilliant future.
19:30But you don't need all the answers now, do you?
19:34It's part of the fun.
19:36Finding your way.
19:38Working it all out.
19:38I have to find my way out of Broadmoor first.
19:41They are coming up with new jobs all the time.
19:44You could be a robot or something.
19:47Look, I can't tell the future like Debs.
19:51But I know you'll have a job you'll be proud of.
19:54And whatever it is, I'll be telling everyone I meet,
19:58that's my son.
20:00Really?
20:01Cos you were pretty quiet when I was shrink-wrapping dog food
20:04on that industrial estate.
20:06Thanks, Mum.
20:07I needed to wear that.
20:10As Doris Day would say,
20:12case of ass.
20:13C'est-a-bar.
20:14Check this one out.
20:15So, two nuns in a bath.
20:17And one says, where's the soap?
20:19Second nuns in a bath.
20:22I tried everything.
20:24I really did.
20:26Got so many corners.
20:28I even mowed the pitch myself for the last six months.
20:32You should have said something.
20:34I didn't want you worrying.
20:35Oh, well, I'm bloody worrying now.
20:38Well, don't.
20:39You are flying, Graham.
20:41That's not down to me.
20:42It's down to us.
20:44No, we did it together.
20:47Graham.
20:49Working with you has been the honour of my life.
20:55I'll come off it.
20:56You have been more of a brother to me
20:58than me own sister.
21:02But that gypsy woman was right.
21:05It's time for me to go, so...
21:07I'm going to stand up
21:11and walk through those aluminium sliding doors.
21:18No, please.
21:19Don't.
21:22I've never been any good at goodbyes.
21:26Fancy my soccer run?
21:28Oh, that'll be lovely.
21:30Dad?
21:38Yeah?
21:40How long's run staying?
21:41Because I want to watch Brookside.
21:44Not long.
21:51Lock up, will you?
21:52I hear the train a-comin'.
22:00It's rollin' around the bend.
22:02And I ain't seen the sunshine since.
22:05I don't know what to do.
22:07I'm stuck on full of the bridge.
22:10That time keeps draggin' on.
22:13Quiet down.
22:14Lights out.
22:19Walk down to San Anton
22:22When I was just a baby
22:26My mama told me, son
22:29Always be a good boy
22:31Don't ever play with guns
22:33But I shot a man in Reno
22:36Just to watch him die
22:39When I hear that whistle blowin'
22:45I hang my head and cry
22:49I can't think of it.
22:50I'm still a man in Reno
22:50The only day I get the thing
22:51I get the thing
22:52I get the thing
22:52When I was just a baby
22:53I'm still a man in Reno
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