- 18 hours ago
- #realitytvdeep
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00:00Child, my quirks hadn't exactly gone under the radar.
00:03See you later, Landon.
00:04I was basically a box of broken biscuits,
00:07but I enjoyed being on the wonky side.
00:10Until...
00:111989.
00:15I'd grown a foot, dropped two octaves,
00:17and unbeknownst to me, was heading into a new era.
00:21A saucy one.
00:23So this was it.
00:24It was happening to little old me, of all people.
00:28Lust.
00:29Desire.
00:30Passion.
00:32Boobies.
00:34My libido had gone full throttle,
00:37so I loved popping into Athena.
00:39It was like woolies for perverts.
00:44All right, I thought women were a bit like olives.
00:47They'd turn your stomach at first,
00:49but if you persevere, you'd learn to love them.
00:56Oh, who was I kidding?
00:58I was there for Jake.
01:01Who needs a tennis player itching her bum
01:03when the cutest boy in school is tugging at your heartstrings?
01:06Oh, hello.
01:12You here again?
01:15It's a Saturday job.
01:17I've got to be here every Saturday.
01:19Uh, I was just wondering,
01:21have you got that poster with that lady on the motorbike?
01:23Well, yeah, cracking photo, though.
01:25Suzuki Katana.
01:27Well, I don't know her name, but lovely bike.
01:30Do you roll them,
01:31or do they come ready rolled in a plastic sheaf?
01:34Ready rolled.
01:34Oh, me and Mum love Cyndi Law, huh?
01:43It's £3.80.
01:44Hmm?
01:45£3.80.
01:47Oh.
01:51Keep the change.
01:53Oh, yeah, absolutely.
01:58Love a life about me.
01:59You do not want to be lost at sea without one of those boys.
02:02No, sorry.
02:03You're funny.
02:05Oh.
02:07See you Monday, then.
02:12Oh, God, I nearly ran off with this key ring.
02:15Keep it.
02:16What?
02:17They won't even notice.
02:18If you want it, keep it.
02:20No, I'm dancing.
02:24It's like a dream.
02:26Oh, how come?
02:28Bye.
02:31No, that's gonna kill me.
02:50My dad was riding high and also looking for a man.
02:58Not like that.
02:59A midfielder.
03:00Graham!
03:01Hey, shush, shush, shush.
03:02He's on telly.
03:03Yep.
03:04Manager of the month again.
03:06You're gonna have a drink problem at this rate.
03:07Yeah, yeah.
03:08Chuffed to bits.
03:10We're obviously doing something right.
03:12Any transfers on the horizon?
03:14Anyone caught your eye?
03:16They have.
03:16I'm just waiting for this one to open his checkbook.
03:20Oh, yeah.
03:21It's open.
03:23It's...
03:23My pen is poised.
03:25It better be, because I need a midfielder shop-ish.
03:27Don't put that on the TV.
03:29No, no.
03:30Yeah?
03:31I mean, do we do that photo?
03:32Come on.
03:34Give me that.
03:35Right.
03:35Hang on, guys.
03:36Come on, lads.
03:37Come on!
03:37Come on!
03:38Come on!
03:39Come on!
03:41Come on!
03:41It's bloody whiskey, not champagne, you idiot!
03:44Don't, lads.
03:53Oh, uh-uh.
04:00Ha!
04:09I'm telling Dad.
04:12No, you're not.
04:19How was it?
04:20Yeah, great.
04:21Call me flipper.
04:24Mr. Carr!
04:26Miss Pearson's waving at you.
04:27No, she's not.
04:28Off you go.
04:29Mr. Carr!
04:30Hang your foot down.
04:31Down, down, down.
04:33Glad I caught you.
04:35Miss Pearson.
04:36Dad loved sporty women.
04:37He only ever looked at a cleavage
04:39to see if there was a stopwatch there.
04:41Is everything all right?
04:42I don't know.
04:43Is it?
04:45Oh, no.
04:47This is Graham's.
04:48He won it.
04:49It's, uh,
04:50Manager of the Month.
04:53Award.
04:54All right.
04:55Congratulations.
04:56They're not wrong.
04:57Thank you very much.
04:58That's very kind of you.
05:01Are you all right, Alan?
05:02Yeah.
05:03He had a great time by all accounts.
05:05Oh, did he?
05:06Well, I don't know where,
05:07cos he never turned up for his swimming lesson.
05:09You what?
05:10What happens?
05:10If it happens again,
05:11I'll have to give his place away.
05:13It won't.
05:14I'll throw him in myself.
05:15I am so sorry, Miss Pearson.
05:20Good stride.
05:22Where the bloody hell were you?
05:24I had a dicky tan.
05:27Not funny, Gary.
05:29You smell lemonade?
05:30We all know I'm no fan of P.E.
05:36Cry it out loud.
05:37Get on with it.
05:38But when Jake was doing the picking,
05:40everything seemed bearable,
05:42even team sports.
05:44All right.
05:45Alan.
05:46Me.
05:47He picked me.
05:48I would have picked Simon meself.
05:52I won't let you down.
05:53Go get it.
05:59Let's do it, eh?
06:02All right, Scrummagey!
06:04Come on!
06:05You go there.
06:05I'll go here.
06:06Here we go.
06:07So, how was the rest of your weekend?
06:12We saw each other Saturday.
06:14What?
06:15He just came to the shop.
06:16What?
06:17Oh, some modern art.
06:18Oh, and a caiman.
06:19Well, I didn't have to buy the caiman
06:21because Jake gave it to me.
06:23Gratis.
06:24You giving him free stuff?
06:25Yeah.
06:26Yes, you did.
06:28You're buying him presents, Jay.
06:29It's not a big deal.
06:30I just said, you know, like,
06:32boss never cares.
06:33Oh, my God, you're flirting with Alan.
06:35Oh, shut up.
06:35He probably fancies you.
06:37No, I don't.
06:38Who's looking at tits?
06:39You know the posters.
06:40But, no, I'm not a caveman.
06:44I don't just look at the tits,
06:46I look at the whole lady.
06:47Sure, sure.
06:48Who do you fancy, then?
06:50Yeah, come on, Alan.
06:51Who's the unlucky lady?
06:55Why is this taking so long?
06:57Yeah, come on, Alan.
06:57Georgie.
06:58Oh, Georgie.
07:00What do you like about her?
07:01Her name, because it sounded like a boy's.
07:04Well, she's formidable.
07:07Well, you, buddy, should ask her out.
07:09Yeah, ask her out.
07:11Why not?
07:13I'm coming for you.
07:16Lucky old Georgie.
07:18What are you doing?
07:20Comparing persons.
07:21Come on, crack on, lads.
07:23Come on.
07:24So when you're asking her out, Alan?
07:25Yeah, underlay.
07:27Cat, what are you staring at?
07:29Come on, Alan.
07:30Saturday meant another swimming lesson,
07:39and after Athena gate,
07:41my mum was watching me like a hawk.
07:43Right, I want to see you back here in an hour.
07:45Right, go on.
07:46I want to see you go in.
07:47Come on.
07:50Go on.
07:51Have fun.
07:52I don't trust him.
08:01Where's your trunks?
08:03I didn't bring them.
08:04I'll cover for you.
08:05You can cover for me.
08:06You're wearing that.
08:13Look at how we'll cowlick if I don't.
08:15Right, not when you're done.
08:18I'm starving.
08:18I don't know what was more humiliating,
08:25being forced to do a swimming lesson
08:27because your dad fancied the teacher
08:29or that your classmates were six.
08:37Hang in, bro.
08:38Hand me.
08:40Right, everybody in.
08:42I mean, I mean, I'll smash a bottle of champers on me.
08:56Good start, Alan, but you're flapping needlessly.
08:58Your feet can't touch the bottom.
09:00Stop splashing.
09:01You're scaring the others.
09:03Just swim.
09:03It's not that hard.
09:05The only thing tighter than my swim cap was Ron's wallet.
09:09The cobblers needed a midfielder fast,
09:11and he was treading water.
09:14Yes.
09:16Yeah.
09:18Well, let me have a few chats this evening, OK?
09:21Hang on, Martin.
09:23Paperwork for Bodley.
09:25Sale done.
09:25That's 19k in our pocket.
09:27Up the offer for Thomas.
09:28Well, we can't offer the full 19.
09:30I mean, got to hold the bit back, Graham.
09:33I've got gaps to plug.
09:35Gaps to plug?
09:36I've got a gap in all in midfield.
09:37Yeah, but 19k, we can't.
09:39Oh, trust me, Ron, he's worth every penny of it.
09:41Oh, we need this.
09:45I heard he's got dodgy knees.
09:47Big time.
09:48Hear him click for the stands.
09:50Look.
09:51Sorry, Martin.
09:53Yeah.
09:54Yeah, we'd like to offer...
09:5619k.
10:05Black coffee, please.
10:06Sorry, I'm Graham Carr's wife.
10:11Oh, yeah.
10:12Yes, I am.
10:13I've seen you in the papers.
10:15It's amazing.
10:16He's amazing.
10:18Yeah, thank you.
10:19I've had a good run of it, aren't we?
10:22He's at the ground now.
10:24Big day.
10:26Buying.
10:27Selling.
10:29Transferring this, transferring that.
10:31Buying.
10:32Bits and bobs.
10:33Yeah, big.
10:35Big.
10:35There's a lot of buying and selling going on.
10:38I couldn't get your autograph, could I?
10:41Oh, God, no.
10:45Really?
10:46Oh, you don't want mine?
10:47Who should I make it out to?
10:50Wendy.
10:53She just did her usual signature,
10:56but from that point on,
10:57she took to making the A of car
10:59into a little football.
11:01That's a little football.
11:04Thank you, Wendy.
11:08One pound thirty, please.
11:12Little biscuit.
11:17I'm sorry.
11:19What was your name?
11:20Becky.
11:21Thank you, Becky.
11:28Frothy coffee, please.
11:44Oh, they should have called by now.
11:45Oh, it's a yes, surely.
11:47Nineteen K.
11:48Fancy a tea?
11:49Oh, fancy a tea.
11:51Joy?
11:56Yeah, let's go back.
11:59Joy?
11:59Hello, stranger.
12:15Oh, God almighty, Ange.
12:17Let's get you a napkin.
12:19Sorry, she's had a little spillage.
12:20Don't chase her too big for your face.
12:22Another one?
12:23No, I'll go.
12:24No, I'll go.
12:25They, um, sort of know me, yeah.
12:29No, regular haunt, is it?
12:31No, they recognise me.
12:33Because of Graham, all the press nonsense.
12:35I'm still getting used to it.
12:37All right.
12:39I'm not going to believe this.
12:42Woman just asked me for me all to go on.
12:46I don't believe it, no.
12:48I'll go.
12:49She gave me a free biscuit when she clocked who I was.
12:52Oh, Christine, bless you, no.
12:54They give everyone a little biscuit.
12:55Yeah, but I didn't pay for it.
12:56Nobody pays for the little biscuit.
12:59Yeah, but she did a sort of cheeky smile when she put it on.
13:02People tend to do a cheeky smile when there's a biscuit around, Christine.
13:04No.
13:05It was definite.
13:06Let's see, shall we?
13:13Marty?
13:15Knocked 9,000 off that.
13:16We've crunched the numbers again.
13:1810K is top whack.
13:20I know, I know, but think about it.
13:23No.
13:25Martin.
13:27Wash your mouth out.
13:32I need you to phone that phone from this phone.
13:39What phone?
13:40That phone. Boardroom phone.
13:42Can't I just call it from my office phone?
13:44Then it would be an internal ring.
13:48Brrrr.
13:49We need it to be an external ring.
13:52Brrrr.
13:52Brrrr.
13:54Right.
13:55Right.
13:56But it is internal, because it's me.
13:59But it's not you, is it?
14:03Just phone that bloody phone from this bloody phone, please, Joy.
14:07And what do I say?
14:09Nothing.
14:09Nothing.
14:09Please, on its way.
14:17Doggy paddle's not the most efficient stroke, Alan.
14:19If it's good math for a laparadop.
14:22Nice.
14:27Oi, Alan.
14:29Where's your arm burns?
14:32Nice swimming cap.
14:33Why are you in the pissy pool with the toddlers?
14:36Excuse me.
14:37This is a private lesson.
14:38A private lesson that I'm helping Miss Pearson with, as a teaching assistant.
14:43Yeah, that's it.
14:44Alan.
14:46What did I say, Peter, about kicking those legs?
14:50No, Joanne.
14:51Push through the water.
14:53No, for the love of God.
14:54Not good enough.
14:55Alan.
14:56Really cute, innit?
14:57The Little Mermaid's trying to get a five-metre badge.
14:59Nice one.
15:02Alan, get back here!
15:03Yeah, I'm just going on the break.
15:05Mrs Pearson, can you help me?
15:07Oh, come on.
15:08Jane.
15:08Hey.
15:09Oh, my God.
15:10What are you doing here?
15:11It's a Saturday.
15:12Oh, er, I got the sack.
15:14How, man?
15:15Couldn't be giving stuff away.
15:16Oh, the key ring.
15:17It was so mad.
15:18No, it's not.
15:19It wasn't that.
15:21My mum paid with a tenner and I gave her 20 change.
15:25Ow.
15:25She ain't a rebel, you devil.
15:29See you in there.
15:47Are you serving on Jane?
15:48Well, no.
15:49Because your girlfriend's here.
15:51No.
15:52Georgie.
15:53How is she?
15:55You can ask her out.
15:57But I got to go back.
16:00Ask.
16:00Her.
16:01Out.
16:03Alan thinks you're hot, Georgie.
16:05Isn't that right, Alan?
16:08Guilty as charged.
16:10And Maz, everyone thinks you're hot too.
16:11Yeah, I know.
16:13Yeah, I know.
16:13Gotcha.
16:15It's like being in a soup with two sexy croutons.
16:19What's a crouton?
16:20Why, when you were feeling so self-conscious, would you pop on a pair of trunks and bob along
16:25half naked in a giant bath, hoping that someone, anyone, would find you attractive?
16:30No heavy petting.
16:33No heavy petting.
16:34You what?
16:35You word.
16:35So just to clarify, the little biscuits, they're free.
16:38They're free, yep.
16:40For everyone.
16:41Yep.
16:42Not just the wives of third division football managers.
16:45What?
16:46Thought not.
16:47Thank you, sir.
16:49What's your name?
16:49Becky.
16:50Thank you, Becky.
16:52You've been very helpful.
17:04Hello?
17:05Hello?
17:05No!
17:06Hello, Martin!
17:09Have you?
17:11Oh, no.
17:13Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
17:15That's a shame.
17:18Thanks for letting us know.
17:20Yeah.
17:24They got a better offer.
17:26A 19K?
17:27Mm!
17:29You're joking.
17:30I wish I was.
17:31I really wish I was.
17:34Greedy buggers.
17:35I don't believe that.
17:37Thanks for that.
17:46Must have just left it.
17:47Yeah.
17:48Any chance of that tea?
17:50Yeah.
17:51Get a wiggle on, Joy.
17:56Oh, Georgie.
17:58More like Georgie.
17:59Oh, thanks, Scroke.
18:06I'd like to stroke your back.
18:11Feet bends.
18:12Ben!
18:12Oh, me!
18:13Stroke your back.
18:14Stroke your arse more like.
18:15It's okay.
18:18You don't have to try so hard, do you?
18:20Yes, I do.
18:22Maybe you don't.
18:23You're charming, popular, debonair.
18:25Better at this stuff.
18:27You coming to the deep end, Alan, or what?
18:30No, yeah.
18:31You should probably just stay with the little ones.
18:33Keep up with your croutons, Alan.
18:35Shut up, Andy.
18:36He's not allowed in the deep end.
18:37Dude!
18:38Leave him.
18:39He's meant to be teaching.
18:41Give me him.
18:42No.
18:43No.
18:43See ya!
18:46My glasses!
18:48I can't see.
18:50My glasses were just there.
18:52Like Harold Bishop's were when he drowned in neighbours.
18:57Stop on the way.
19:01Stop on the way.
19:02Make your way over to Squash Call 1, please.
19:04Squash Call 1.
19:09We always say we should do coffee, don't we?
19:18I think I'm going to go and watch Alan for a bit.
19:21Oh, yeah.
19:21I'll come have a squeeze.
19:23Thank you, Becky.
19:24Thank you, Becky.
19:24Thank you, Becky.
19:24Thank you, Becky.
19:27You strung my glasses in?
19:45Go get them, then.
19:46I'm just working out my angle of entrance.
20:01Just jump in, man.
20:02What are you doing?
20:04He can't swim.
20:05Hold that climb.
20:06Prove it, then.
20:07Oh, don't, Leslie.
20:10Alan, get back in the baby pool.
20:12It's a pool in the pool.
20:41Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.
20:44It's a pool in the pool.
20:47Evacuate the pool, everyone else.
20:52Please evacuate the pool.
20:55Please make your way back to the changing room.
20:59Shame about your glasses, mate.
21:00Oh, my God.
21:06Out him!
21:07Someone out him!
21:08I couldn't help thinking these swimming lessons had been a waste of money.
21:18But drowning was preferable to romancing a girl.
21:26Where's Jake?
21:27Where's Alan?
21:28What the hell?
21:30I just died on your own tonight.
21:35Must have been something you said.
21:38I just died on your own tonight.
21:46How was it?
21:46Well, er, thanks for asking. We lost Roberts.
21:52We nearly lost Alan.
21:54What? What's wrong with your glasses?
21:57Oh, they got washed in a suction pack.
22:00So I couldn't swim. Who cares?
22:03I'd swallowed a floating plaster. So what?
22:06I was heading home with a lung filled with chlorine
22:09and a heart full of love.
22:11Maybe I should try drowning more often.
22:16Why's your hair dry?
22:20Tiki Tom.
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