- 6 hours ago
- #realitytvdeep
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Short filmTranscript
00:00To a place I know you wanna go is a good life
00:04Yes! That's the one!
00:07Alan!
00:08You nearly ready?
00:09Mum, do you think I should take me jazz shoes?
00:12You're only going a night, love.
00:14You couldn't get away with a jazz shoe in Northampton.
00:17Believe me, I've tried.
00:19This town was cramping my style.
00:21I needed somewhere bigger, somewhere brighter,
00:24somewhere I could blend in.
00:26I needed London, Gary!
00:29You can't wear a show suit.
00:31You could run into a man of oil.
00:33Go! Get changed!
00:35Mum and Dad had a work meeting in town,
00:37so we were staying with Aunty Terry,
00:40a hop, skip and a jump from London's glittering West End.
00:44Are you sure she's up to this?
00:46Of course!
00:48Oh, you're not still on a bet last time.
00:50She took him to the dogs and lost him.
00:52How I got stuck in that kennel, I'll never know.
00:55But this time, I've come prepared.
00:57Got me cockney-rhyming slang.
00:59Oh, love, no-one talks like that any more.
01:01What a load of old pony!
01:04You must be going matting.
01:07You've got to keep your wits about you down London town.
01:10Val got mugged outside in Aberdeen Angus.
01:12She didn't even realise.
01:13Are that southerners for you?
01:15A god-awful place.
01:17Gangster-loving, ale-eating...
01:20Oi! I'm a sevener.
01:22Let me finish with the most beautiful women in the country.
01:26And I'm including your mum in that.
01:30Charming.
01:31Eh, oh, tires of London.
01:33Tires of pain.
01:34£1.20 for a pint. They're taking the mick.
01:36Right, let's go. Everyone in the core.
01:40I'll be seeing you shortly, George.
01:44Wait till that's OK. I've been to...
01:46Barney! Oh!
01:48A hop, skip and quite a long jump from London's glittering West End then.
01:52Four hour round trip. I don't even know what this bloke wants.
02:04He's probably trying to poach Alfie for Stoke.
02:07Oh, sharks, these agents.
02:09Oh!
02:10Oh!
02:11Oh!
02:12Oh!
02:13Oh!
02:14Oh!
02:15Oh!
02:16Oh!
02:17Oh!
02:18Oh!
02:19Oh!
02:20Oh, sharks, these agents.
02:22Oh!
02:23Graham, put a sock in it.
02:24You're being wined and dined.
02:25Oh, I'd love to be wined and dined.
02:27Oh, shit.
02:29Alfie's not even scored all season.
02:31Dad!
02:32You're in the cultural capital of the world, OK?
02:34Stop talking about football.
02:37Oh, my God, is that Gloria Hannaford?
02:39It's Gloria Hannaford.
02:41No, it is.
02:42I think it is Gloria Hannaford.
02:46No.
02:47Yeah, it's not.
02:48You're never moulding six foot away from a celeb in London.
02:51We're only just off the M1, for Christ's sake.
02:53And it's rats, not celebrities.
02:56One and the same, darling.
02:58Oh!
02:59You're early.
03:00We're 20 minutes late.
03:01Oh.
03:02Thanks for this, Terry.
03:03I appreciate it.
03:04Oh, please.
03:05You know I love him.
03:07I love him.
03:08Oh.
03:09Oh.
03:10Oh.
03:11Them.
03:12I love them both, cos there's two of them, isn't there?
03:14Yeah.
03:15Right.
03:16So, Gary's inhalers in his rucksack.
03:18Oh, go on.
03:19I'll have a quick puff.
03:20Oh, we're gonna have fun, aren't we, eh?
03:24The three musketeers.
03:26All for one and all for...
03:28One.
03:29Yeah.
03:30Yeah.
03:31So, you've got Graham's mobile number.
03:33I'm not phoning a mobile.
03:34No, but if you need it.
03:35No, they're not safe, Chris.
03:37Might as well stick you in the microwave.
03:39Yeah, I'm not sure that's how...
03:40No, no, no, sorry.
03:41You think about it.
03:42You've got a normal phone.
03:43The waves, they're travelling up the cord.
03:46They get stuck, trapped in the cord.
03:49You've got no cord.
03:50Those waves are going straight into your brain.
03:54Yeah, well, you can always phone the restaurant.
03:56Alan's got the details.
03:57Imperial China Piccadilly Circus.
03:59What are you going with again?
04:00I'm just some football agent.
04:02Oh.
04:03Wines and dimes.
04:06Oh, yeah.
04:08Right, come on then.
04:10Behave.
04:11Okay.
04:14Look after him.
04:16Hey.
04:17All right.
04:18All right.
04:19Ta-ta.
04:20Bye, bye boys!
04:23My Aunty Terry was the naughty to my mum's nice.
04:27Right then.
04:28An ashtray half full kind of girl.
04:31Oh, this is nice.
04:33What do you think it's doing?
04:35Well, so...
04:36Are they coming in?
04:37Hello, Mr Wolf.
04:38Boo!
04:39Sorry?
04:40Boo!
04:41Oh, you don't want to boo any more.
04:42He used to love a bit of boo.
04:43He's dead.
04:44Oh, timeless boo, innit?
04:45Oh, I've got one.
04:46Bet you can't find my fags in ten seconds.
04:47Go.
04:48No, cos we were thinking that Mabel was going to go.
04:49Oh, I've got one.
04:50I bet you can't find my fags in ten seconds.
04:51Go.
04:52No, cos we were thinking that Mabel was going to go.
04:53We could go up to the west end.
04:54See the mouse trap.
04:55Oh, oh, up the east end.
04:56Why at Chapel?
04:57Because I do a Jack the Ripper tour.
04:58Hey, I win!
04:59We can just do that round here can't we?
05:00No, because I think that you need to go where he actually did the murders.
05:01Otherwise you are just having a walk.
05:02What about a film?
05:03Have you seen Pretty Woman?
05:04Oh.
05:05I'm going to find my fags in ten seconds.
05:06Go.
05:07No, cos we were thinking that Mabel we could go up to the west end.
05:08See the mouse trap.
05:09Oh, oh, up the east end?
05:12Why at Chapel?
05:13Because I do a Jack the Ripper tour.
05:14Hey, I win!
05:17We can just do that round here, can't we?
05:20No, because I think that you need to go where he actually did the murders.
05:24Otherwise you are just having a walk.
05:27What about a film?
05:30Have you seen Pretty Woman?
05:32Before you start, it is not about me.
05:35Yeah, I've wanted to say that.
05:38I was going to ask Jake if he wanted to go with me, Jake's boy in my class.
05:42I think that he was a little bit put off by the poster.
05:45He said, why would a prostitute be wearing waders?
05:48Put a hooker boot, it's Ellen.
05:49Oh!
05:51And he goes to Big Odeon.
05:52In Leicester Square, the seats are meant to be massive.
05:56We don't need to go out.
05:58Hey.
05:58Hey, VHS.
06:01My mate Wes got me a knock-off coffee.
06:03That's piracy, that's illegal.
06:05If you hear any police sirens, right, just duck down behind the sofa, all right?
06:12You're fine!
06:15I'm joking!
06:17I'm joking!
06:21Sorry to drag you into town.
06:22Ah, no. Not at all. It's our pleasure.
06:25Much to discuss, but I'll be buggered if I'm coming to Northampton.
06:28LAUGHTER
06:29Food's fantastic here.
06:34Oh, I bet.
06:36It's lovely.
06:38Lovely lanterns.
06:42They're all right.
06:44I'll order for the table, shall I?
06:45I know my way around the menu.
06:47Oh, I think we all do, don't we?
06:4836, couple of 22s, port balls and a pancake roll.
06:51Yeah, it's a little bit more authentic here, so...
06:56Right, you go ahead, then.
06:58You did like the sweet and sour balls, though, didn't you, Graham?
07:00I can live without the balls.
07:02We'll follow your lead.
07:04Smart man.
07:05Jesus Christ.
07:07You took your time.
07:08Right, um...
07:09Sorry, um, is it true that Diana ain't here?
07:12It is, yes.
07:13Oh.
07:14Don't you?
07:15Very exciting, isn't it?
07:17Oh.
07:17Has Ken got any lobsters in?
07:20The Chinese restaurant might have been the real deal.
07:23This VHS clearly wasn't.
07:28Gary!
07:30Gary, we're not fitting in. Sit up. Sit.
07:33There we go, boys. Couple of Coke floats.
07:38Oh, it's good, isn't it?
07:41When's dinner?
07:42We'll grab a bite to eat when we're out.
07:45We should get going, really.
07:46Big Ben's ticking away.
07:48No, no, no. I've got it all planned.
07:50Your dinner.
07:51Yeah.
07:52Yeah.
07:55Cousin.
07:58Honestly, Terry, just chuck some banana on the way.
08:01I can't be bothered with dinner all the time.
08:03Just have a bit of Philadelphia on a Weetabix.
08:05Don't go to any trouble on our account.
08:09Just grab something up west once we get going.
08:12She can curry all right.
08:14Mum usually makes it from scratch.
08:17I haven't got the time to be pissing about with an onion, Alan.
08:19I do have a life.
08:21So, tube or cab?
08:25Which one we get in?
08:26I bought a soft shoe for the palace, out of respect.
08:29Cab?
08:31Well, it says 180 here, but I reckon just to grill it,
08:34it'd be so much quicker, won't it?
08:36I've never seen London before.
08:39You're in London now, Alan.
08:41Greater London.
08:42They call it that because it's better than the middle bit.
08:44Oh, excuse.
08:45Won't be a sec.
08:46Keep an eye on that curry, Alan.
08:48Hi.
08:49Oh, I know you.
08:53No.
08:55No, I'm not.
08:56Come on, don't do it.
08:58I've got my sister's boys.
09:01Stop it.
09:03Stop it.
09:05All right.
09:07All right.
09:09You said you want to go out.
09:11We're going to go out!
09:14Gary, grab your rucksack.
09:16We're off to London Town.
09:25Terry's local was more Dead End than West End,
09:29but at least it was half a mile in the right direction.
09:33All right, Wes.
09:34All right, Terry.
09:35These are my nephews, Alan, Gary.
09:37All right, lads.
09:38Well, Tim, we've got one, boys.
09:39A little, please.
09:40And some bacon crispies.
09:41On the tab.
09:42We're not stopping.
09:44Edna West.
09:46Gammy will have that, and then we'll be off, yeah?
09:48Yeah.
09:49Hi, darling.
09:51Ladies!
09:52Yay!
09:55You do a 3-3-2, right?
09:58You have Johnson at the back, Freeman up front.
09:59It's a no-brainer.
10:00Yeah.
10:01So, do you live nearby?
10:03Kensington.
10:04Oh.
10:04That's a lovely big ass.
10:07Freezing.
10:07Four floors.
10:08Extortionate to eat.
10:09Yeah, well, we're double glazed throughout, so that does help.
10:15Sorry.
10:16Do you feel like he's listening?
10:18I think it's the eyes.
10:19We eat a lot of fish.
10:21Oh, yeah, so do we.
10:22They just tend to take the eyes out before they put them in breadcrumbs.
10:26Chengdu region.
10:27Hmm?
10:28Chengdu region.
10:29And the chef, he's incredible with seafood.
10:31He got a decent Chinese, don't you?
10:33Oh, yeah.
10:34Got a really good one.
10:35They do fish and chips and all, don't they, Graham?
10:37Mm.
10:38Well, it's good for the kids.
10:40Um, can we get a couple of forks here?
10:43I don't think chopsticks have made it to Northampton yet.
10:46I suppose you need a bow of all thumbs to use them.
10:50Chop of all thumbs.
10:51Yeah, well, those thumbs have got them to the top of the league.
10:55And it's been noted.
10:56It's been noted.
10:59Oh.
11:01Aunt Terry, we can kiss goodbye to the mousetrap.
11:05The curtain's gone up.
11:06Sorry.
11:07Oh, you must be hungry.
11:09Get yourself a bag of crisps, or me.
11:11I can have crisps at home.
11:13I want to see a BP to a close range.
11:15Just a furry hat, Alan.
11:17I've just got to stay just for a little bit, yeah?
11:21Why don't you have a throw, yeah?
11:24Go on.
11:25Go on, have a throw.
11:27For me.
11:27Right, can we go now?
11:33You're standing wrong.
11:34Oh.
11:35You show him.
11:36Light and mild.
11:45And a bottle of white.
11:47I'd get the cheapest one.
11:48Yeah.
11:55You must be Gary.
11:57Fantastic.
11:58Your Aunty Terry.
12:00Real special lady, yeah?
12:01Here you go, my love.
12:05Try that.
12:07Shelley, I'm a minus 4.5.
12:10I think it's holding you back.
12:12Clear the board, Lens!
12:13What's that?
12:14From an Uncle Mick?
12:23Oh, sweet!
12:28Who's Uncle Mick?
12:29We don't have an Uncle Mick.
12:30We might have one day.
12:31If I play my cards right.
12:32Well, hopefully, Uncle's come to drive us up west.
12:39Load of cash in it.
12:41Well, I should know.
12:42I'm making it.
12:44She's spending it, but I'm making it.
12:47It's always the way, eh, girlies?
12:49Oh, no.
12:50No, thank you.
12:50Not for me.
12:51I've got a bit of a headache, actually.
12:55Graham?
12:56What?
12:57I've got a bit of a headache.
12:58Right.
12:58I'll drink some water.
13:02Excuse me.
13:05I'm going for a cigarette.
13:07All right, love.
13:09Want another beer?
13:15Jack the Ripper who?
13:16Maybe I didn't need to go traipsing around Whitechapel
13:20listening to someone witter on about disembowelling.
13:24I'd discover darts.
13:28These arrows have given me life.
13:32I was starting to feel optimistic.
13:36Whereas Mick was feeling Becky with the bad hair's arse.
13:41Look, no hands.
13:42All right, Mr. Octopus.
13:43Oh, God.
13:50Mother, I've missed chatting to you.
13:53What the hell is it down?
13:54It's my fault I've been glued to that hockey all night.
13:57Oh, making yourself at home.
13:58It's nice.
14:00Hey, he's come all this way to see me practice my darts.
14:05That's the thing about Mick.
14:07It takes an interest in my interests.
14:10Yeah.
14:12What happened to Greg?
14:14I liked him.
14:15Married.
14:17Oh, Terry.
14:19You watch Dynasty.
14:21You should know that they never, ever, ever leave the wife.
14:25But they give the old shpil, don't they?
14:27She doesn't understand me.
14:29It's different with you.
14:30And the next thing it's,
14:31I've got ringworms, Terry.
14:33I can't leave the house.
14:34Most men are bastards, Alan.
14:37I mean,
14:37not you,
14:39obviously.
14:40You're a sweetheart.
14:43And your dad,
14:43you know,
14:44your dad's...
14:44Oh, right.
14:45I mean,
14:45oh, my God,
14:46he's boring.
14:47He was talking to me
14:49about the transfer window.
14:51I said,
14:51Graham,
14:51I'm going to stick my head through the window
14:53in a minute.
14:54Wait.
14:56When you get a good one, Alan,
14:58do you make sure you hold on to him?
14:59Oh, Terry.
15:07He was grabbing that woman's bum
15:09while you were in the loo.
15:13Sure it wasn't her bum, Alan.
15:15She's very thin.
15:16It's probably her elbow.
15:18He doesn't care about your doubts, Terry.
15:25It's probably out of my league anyway.
15:27I mean,
15:28look at him.
15:30He's using a coaster as a toothpick.
15:34Terry,
15:34no,
15:35look at me,
15:36look at me.
15:37You are a strong,
15:39independent,
15:39beautiful woman.
15:41Stop it.
15:43I mean,
15:43man would kill for that kind of volume
15:45in her fringe.
15:47And I know she thinks you're a nightmare,
15:49but that's just because of your pizzazz.
15:51That's why you live in London.
15:54Well,
15:55Greater London.
15:57We're not going,
15:58are we?
15:59To the West End.
16:01It's a bus and free tubes, Alan.
16:03It's fine.
16:04I'm going to live in London when I'm older.
16:06Be out on the town every night.
16:09Better believe it, kid.
16:10You'll be licking champagne off a chandelier
16:12with a cast of ollie hoax before you know it.
16:14Anyway,
16:16I can't leave now,
16:17can I?
16:18I've got 86 and three frowns to go.
16:20I'm sorry, darling.
16:22You have had fun.
16:24Haven't you?
16:26Yes!
16:30Something stronger?
16:32Trying to get me drunk?
16:35Come on.
16:36Out with it.
16:37Who are you after?
16:38You don't go throwing chicken chow mein
16:40at a man for nothing.
16:42Is it Alfie?
16:44Who wants him?
16:46Stork?
16:47Barnsley?
16:48Stoke City.
16:49Oh.
16:50But they don't want Alfie.
16:52They want you.
16:55What?
16:56It's a big offer, Graham.
16:57They're not mucking about.
16:59Been eyeing you up for a while.
17:00They're going in for the kiss.
17:02They want to talk.
17:03I can make it happen for you.
17:05Just a phone call.
17:06It would be my pleasure.
17:08I think you'd be mad not to jump at it.
17:12Cobblers was small fry.
17:13But this, this could change everything for you, Graham.
17:16And the family.
17:18And I'll only take 20%.
17:19You sure I can't tempt you?
17:23Eh?
17:25Yeah.
17:26Go on.
17:26Oi!
17:28Two sarkies!
17:31The needle.
17:33The sweating.
17:34The urge to get it in the right spot.
17:37It was like that time I OD'd on a Zen pick.
17:39You're lonely over there.
17:44Busy, Mick.
17:45We were going to have a good time.
17:47You're having a very good time by the looks of it.
17:50Oh, come here.
17:51She said she's busy.
17:53Ooh, Kenneth Williams to the rescue.
17:56Oh, leave it out, Mick.
17:58Yeah, she's right.
17:59You don't want to be causing no...
18:01bounty rubble.
18:04It's time we called you...
18:06the Sherbert Dab.
18:08I think.
18:10Is it now?
18:12Er, can you give me space?
18:13I'm trying to hit a triple top.
18:15Enough, Mick.
18:16Don't you turn your back on me, you little poof.
18:19Oh, you did that deliberately.
18:25No, I didn't.
18:26It was an accident.
18:28Sling your rope.
18:30Where's...
18:30Where's...
18:31Chuck him out.
18:32He stabbed me.
18:34He threatened my nephew.
18:36What's he even doing in here, eh?
18:38He's only 12.
18:3913 and a half, actually.
18:43I am fuzzies!
18:45Oh, my God, Alan.
18:47Don't you play in the BCG?
18:53Oh, Mrs Carr, Terry has left a message for you.
18:56Oh, God.
18:57She said, could you please come back?
19:00Jesus, it's only half past nine.
19:02Er, they're at the king's arms.
19:04I'm gonna kill her.
19:05I've tried before, but I'm gonna do it this time.
19:07Graham, we need to leave.
19:08Surely not.
19:09Drink round hours first, I insist.
19:11You can follow the jag.
19:12Look, we get it.
19:13You drive a flash car and you eat fish with the eyes in.
19:16Well done, you.
19:17Bye, love.
19:18Gwen.
19:23I can't leave.
19:25I mean, I'm leaving the restaurant, but, er...
19:28I can't leave the club.
19:32I appreciate the offer, but, um...
19:34The money would be nice, but, um...
19:37I won't let my players down.
19:41Or the club.
19:43Or Ron.
19:44We've been through a lot to get where we are, but, um...
19:48Yeah, there's more left to do.
19:51Nice to meet you.
19:52Look, if you change your mind, you know where to find me, all right?
19:56I won't.
19:57Come on, kids.
20:02Come on, kids.
20:02Terry, why are they in a pub?
20:04I love sport.
20:05I love sport.
20:06See?
20:07He loves sport.
20:08It's not sport.
20:09It's a hobby.
20:10What was that?
20:11Eh?
20:12Nothing.
20:13To think of all those times in PE when I had to run around a field in sub-zero temperatures, and I could have been in dolls in the world.
20:27Okay, so I hadn't seen a beefeater or a single pearly queen, but I had seen life, and let's be honest, I could have stayed in Northampton to spend the night in a manky pub watching drunks play darts, but being down here with my favourite aunt made me feel hopeful somehow.
20:46Well, what was the problem, then?
20:48Nothing.
20:49I just thought you might want to see him.
20:51He is fantastic, Graeme.
20:53I hope you know how fantastic he is.
20:57And I thought, now that you're a football wife and all that, Chris, that you could do with the excuse of getting away from that boring chit-chat.
21:04Oh, transfer window.
21:06I need to throw myself out the bloody window.
21:08I said that!
21:11Oh, what are big sisters for, Ray?
21:14Where's Gary?
21:18Gary?
21:19Oh, there's two of them, aren't there?
21:27I reckon if I knuckled down, I could play professionally.
21:33For you?
21:34From the gentleman.
21:36What?
21:37The little one.
21:38They're the fruit we see.
21:41Thank you, my darling.
21:44Well, at least they've had a good night.
21:47It was nice to get out of Northampton, wasn't it?
21:50A little change of scenery.
21:52No, I'm sorry.
21:53London is overrated.
21:55Oh, I know.
21:56I had to stop a man.
21:57What?
21:57Oh, the imagination on him.
22:01I think he's overtired.
22:02Oh, me and all.
22:04Right, take us back home.
22:06Back to Northampton.
22:07To Northampton.
22:09Oh, no.
22:11To Northampton.
22:14Sixty miles by Rotary.
22:17It's the love in my fairy tale.
22:21Sixty miles to reach my gate.
22:24Northampton.
22:27It's a feeling I can't explain.
22:30I only know that it feels the same.
22:34I just can't wait to be Northampton.
22:40Northampton.
22:42Northampton.
22:43Northampton.
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