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00:00of 89 and it was horribly close on the close as temperatures soared to a record high.
00:06Alan, you're gonna have to stop doing that. You're gonna defrost me mints.
00:09Don't let me go in. They won't even let you take your tie off. It's inhumane.
00:14Gary!
00:15A few days into a hosepipe ban and we were as frazzled as our lawns.
00:19Why am I wearing a coat?
00:20You're gonna be 89 today.
00:22The cars didn't do well in the heat.
00:24You're gonna be 89 today.
00:26This is too much. We need to evacuate. Send me to the coast.
00:31Charlie's cool as a cucumber. It's in the blood, isn't it?
00:34We're a 16th Mediterranean.
00:35Mediterranean, yeah. You've told us.
00:38Bit hot for that, isn't it?
00:39Oh, thirsty white.
00:43Nothing a cool lemonade won't sort.
00:45That builder's taking a mick, ain't he?
00:47It's right. Oh, you know full well we're being talked about.
00:50Back, kiss kiss.
00:51No. Come here.
00:54Oh, what's that?
00:55Give a sip.
00:59You've defrosted me piece.
01:00It's got sweet cone round the back.
01:02You're not having my sweet cone.
01:04Why am I still in this cone?
01:06This is ungodly.
01:30I'll be quite sure all of the windows are open.
01:32Yes? Really?
01:36For God's sake, it barely opens an inch.
01:38I think it's so we don't fall out.
01:40Give a little.
01:41She'll be falling out of everything at your age.
01:43Trees, nightclubs, aeroplates.
01:46For a woman who'd once snapped Julian Lloyd Webber's cello in half,
01:50Miss Gideon looked unusually vulnerable.
01:52Well, we have a very special guest with us here today.
01:55She's a published author.
01:57She's written three books.
01:59Most recently...
02:00Jagged Rocks.
02:02Yes.
02:02Which has sold various copies worldwide.
02:05And she's launching a short story competition
02:09with a £10 Woolworth voucher up for grabs.
02:12Oh.
02:14So, welcome to be here.
02:16My dear, dear friend, Madeline Whitwell.
02:23I hope we're all readers here.
02:24Wow, yes.
02:25Good. That's how it starts.
02:28To write, you have got to read.
02:30I've been reading since I was one.
02:32I could read before I could walk.
02:35School was awful for me.
02:38I had one friend and she was a hamster.
02:41Books have been my refuge, my joy, a place to escape.
02:47I felt like that author was talking directly to me.
02:52But then her voice was so booming, it also felt like she was talking to Arthur Kettering and Corby.
02:57Books have been good to me and I have been good to books.
03:01My God, it is hot in here.
03:06Madeline!
03:07Oh, my God.
03:10I love to read, hated school and I only had one friend.
03:13This was my calling.
03:14What did we do when this happened?
03:15I was going to be a writer.
03:18You know, sometimes the right person comes along at just the right time and gives you a good old...
03:23Come on, come on, come on, come on.
03:24Hey, hey.
03:25Ha, ha, ha.
03:26People will risk, right?
03:27It's 89 degrees, innit?
03:29Yeah, that's not a pitch.
03:30Come on, boys.
03:31Come around, come around.
03:32Nick, this is the pitch.
03:33Come around, come in, come in.
03:34I want a picture.
03:36I want a memento of this moment, the moment that I, Nick Chalmers, single-handedly saved the cobblers.
03:42100% success rate, satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back.
03:47Right, can we do it later?
03:48You know, we're in the middle of training.
03:53I bought them.
03:55I'm the chairman.
03:57I want to ickle picky with them, don't I?
03:59Yep.
03:59It's a new era.
04:01Nick's on the ball.
04:02Get in!
04:04Get that for us, son.
04:05Really?
04:06Really.
04:06Yes, what are you wearing a jumper for, you donut?
04:09Go on, off you go.
04:10Right, come on, boys, in front of the goal.
04:12Get in, quick, quick, quick.
04:14Wipe your nose.
04:15Right, come on, Gray, you and me at the front.
04:18Ron used to stand to the side at the back.
04:20He also used to wazz your money up a wall.
04:22So forgive me if I don't follow suit.
04:24Come on, you and me, in the front.
04:27Get up.
04:27What are you doing?
04:28We're not a communion.
04:30Gray, come on.
04:31Big smiles.
04:33Look at that.
04:35Big smiles.
04:36Come on, Gray.
04:36Cheer up, you miserable git.
04:38Smile.
04:40Everyone have fun.
04:41Say cobblers.
04:43Cobblers.
04:44Louder than that.
04:45What's wrong with you?
04:46Cobblers.
04:46Cobblers.
04:47Yeah.
04:48The crumbling rock.
04:50Crumbling.
04:52Hit the consonant.
04:54The crumbling rock.
04:57The dewy must.
04:58Feel the dew.
05:01I am.
05:08Crustaceans clinging like a baby to the nipple.
05:13None of you would be here without the nipple.
05:15OK, Alan, let's stop there.
05:18That's enough for now.
05:19I think Madeleine needs to rest.
05:21No, I don't.
05:23I'll read it.
05:23I'll read it.
05:24Stop.
05:25Wait.
05:28He's elegant, isn't he?
05:30Like a gazelle.
05:32Oh.
05:34Jake.
05:36Is he?
05:37I've really noticed.
05:41A writing competition with my imagination.
05:45I could definitely do this.
05:47Oh.
05:48I can't do this.
05:50It's too hard to do anything.
05:51Just lie down.
05:52They say write what you know.
05:53That's all right for Jackie Collins.
05:54She lived in Monte Carlo.
05:56What am I going to write about?
05:57What, the grove in the centre and Gary?
05:59Don't knock it till you tried it.
06:01I'm going on a walk.
06:02I need inspiration.
06:04Oh!
06:04Stop!
06:07Even though Ange had a bad garden, she preferred to burn in public.
06:11Ange, what's Charlie writing about?
06:19He's trying to fry an egg on the windowsill at the minute, Alan.
06:22We got a short story competition.
06:24Has he mentioned it?
06:25He hasn't, no.
06:26I'm struggling, to be honest.
06:30Still trying to find my muse.
06:33Alan, that's very sweet, but I'm a bit busy at the minute.
06:36I can't believe it.
06:37Someone's got the sprinkler on.
06:39There is a hope fight back.
06:41You got the sprinkler on?
06:45What?
06:45I followed the sound, Christine.
06:46It's coming from here.
06:47No, we haven't got a sprinkler.
06:49Don't lie to me.
06:50I've seen you alone.
06:50Nigel, I'm telling you, we do not have a sprinkler.
06:53Well, someone has.
06:56Where's Graham?
06:56He's at work.
06:57Nigel, do your breathing, all right?
07:00Wait, listen, I can hear it.
07:11It's Jean's house.
07:13Jean's in respite care.
07:14Oh, she will be in a minute.
07:16Jean!
07:18Sorry about him.
07:18He gets a bit in the heat, you know.
07:20We think it's glandular.
07:21Yeah.
07:22He was up 3am last night thinking he was flying a Spitfire.
07:25Kept trying to find the ejector seat.
07:27And look at me.
07:28I haven't even asked how your prickly heat is.
07:30I don't have prickly heat, you poor bugger.
07:32I saw you from across the road the other day.
07:33Legs like pepper armies.
07:34Is it so?
07:35Not as sore as that's going to be.
07:40So, to inspire those short story characters,
07:44look across at the person opposite and feel them with your eyes.
07:51Let your gaze caress their hair, their cheekbones.
07:55Describe them poetically.
07:58Bathe in metaphors and similes.
08:07Shall I start?
08:08With your eyes.
08:11They're like opals.
08:18Opal gemstones, not opal fruits.
08:22Or a lake.
08:24With sunlight bouncing off the surface.
08:29Offset with your mesmerising mood ring on your pinky.
08:32Oh, thanks, but it's a signet ring.
08:38And your hair is brown, isn't it?
08:40Basic brown, so that's finished.
08:41Oh, mate, I've got to do yours now.
08:43Jake was going to describe me.
08:46I wonder if he'd mention my shapely legs.
08:48It was supposed to be in PE ten minutes ago.
08:50Excuse me, do you mind?
08:53It's supposed to be up and out, not sat here like rotting veg.
08:56They cannot go outside in this heat.
08:58Yeah, I can't play rounders today.
09:01You can't play rounders any day, you crap.
09:04I had merely tweaked the schedule for the good of their health.
09:07Oh, you just want a captive audience,
09:09because you can't get an acting job.
09:11Ah, et tu, Brute. That's Shakespeare.
09:16Get your sport out of my classroom.
09:19What are you going to do about it, little lady?
09:22No, she is little. She is fierce.
09:26Shakespeare again.
09:27Oh, is she now?
09:28Yes, she is.
09:30Is she?
09:32She is. I am.
09:38Right.
09:41Anybody who wants to do rounders, follow me.
09:48What about my eyes?
09:50It shouldn't be allowed to just yank a pupil out
09:52in the middle of an exercise.
09:54Awful man.
09:54Are you all right, miss?
09:56Please, Alan.
09:58I need to remember this without your voice.
10:03Oh, God.
10:11Have you thought what you're going to write about?
10:13I don't know.
10:13Probably the war.
10:16No way.
10:17Yeah, me too.
10:18Yeah?
10:19Mm.
10:20What, what?
10:21Oh, well, they all blend together after a while, don't they?
10:24So what drew you to war?
10:26I don't know.
10:27It's just interesting, isn't it?
10:28Politics and that, all the countries.
10:30Oh, God, yeah.
10:30It's like being in Eurovision.
10:34Two boom banger bangs over Dresden.
10:38I think I'm going to focus more on the,
10:41on the relationship between the soldiers,
10:43the buzz of the trench.
10:44Yeah, yeah.
10:45Sounds good.
10:48Oh, we should probably do some research.
10:50So why don't we meet up one lunchtime?
10:52Go to the library?
10:54Cool.
10:54Yeah.
10:56Oh, that's my boss.
10:57See you, Alan.
10:58Yeah, bye.
11:00War.
11:00What was it good for?
11:02Absolutely everything.
11:04Of all the nice things you could write about,
11:06why have you chosen the war?
11:09There were nice moments in the war.
11:11The camaraderie, singing,
11:13we'll meet again around the old Joanna.
11:16My story is about two soldiers.
11:20Their wives, dead.
11:21What, both of them?
11:23Mm.
11:25But it's campaigning Kettering.
11:26It's normally the soldiers who die in it.
11:28Why have you killed off the wives?
11:30I'm playing with the film.
11:32Picture this.
11:35It's late at night.
11:39They're trying to sleep.
11:42Well, they can't because of all...
11:43Maybe they're showing each other photographs of their wives.
11:46Little black and white ones.
11:49Why are you so obsessed with the wives?
11:51A visit from the muse?
11:55I've got something in this jiffy bag, Alan,
11:57that's going to get your juices flowing.
11:59I doubt it.
12:00Is your mum in?
12:01Yeah.
12:02That's a shame.
12:02You're in the parks there, aren't you?
12:04You know there's a hoop-like bath.
12:06What the fuck?
12:06Yeah, that's what you should be doing.
12:08What? It's illegal.
12:09Why can you and I come?
12:10No, wait.
12:11No, seriously, give it back.
12:13What are you doing?
12:14You should be doing it.
12:15It's illegal.
12:16Well, there's a hoop-like bath.
12:17Give me that.
12:19Give me that.
12:20Give me that.
12:21Give me that.
12:26It's not a feeling right.
12:27Oh, look at the white and a hot summer night.
12:32Oi, oi!
12:33Room for another Calipo in there.
12:35Right, budge up.
12:42You always have a bath, who's the lads?
12:45Uh, no, no, it's the heat.
12:52I know you're gutted that your little mates run off and left you in the lurch and I feel for you.
12:58I really do, but I hope you'll come to think of this, me, as an opportunity.
13:03You know, 20 years of running around, getting a ball smacked in your face will make you thick.
13:10That's just science.
13:12And I know you're very good at the kick it there, kick it in the goal there, crap.
13:18But you ain't a businessman.
13:19You need a thinker.
13:21Someone with a bit of a mouse.
13:22Well, you know, you've got plenty of that.
13:24Yes, I do.
13:26I'm going to make changes, Gray.
13:28Big changes.
13:30The cavalry is here.
13:33Well, uh, excuse me, I've got work to do.
13:38Oh, thank you.
13:42Lean as a whistle.
13:44Great.
13:45We should have all our meetings in here.
13:49I like it.
13:50Oh, of course you're having a bath.
13:59It's two inches of water, Ange.
14:01The rest of us are making do with a wet wipe under each armpit, but you, yeah, you fill your boots.
14:05I bought you these over.
14:08Oh.
14:08Because I know your parents don't read.
14:10I do read.
14:11I did a book club.
14:13I suggested a book.
14:1415-minute meals, Christine.
14:16Pasta bake is not a plot.
14:18You want a love story, you will not get better than those.
14:21200 of them.
14:22The passion on those pages.
14:25It compares me to a ripe nectarine in one of them.
14:27Oh, I love a ripe nectarine.
14:30Everyone does.
14:31That's his point.
14:33I'm trying to stay strong in here, but it's getting...
14:35Who's Daryl?
14:36Daryl.
14:38Daryl was a poet.
14:40Bellmarsh?
14:41A poet and a burglar.
14:42You've got a prison pen pal.
14:44Bloody hell, Ange.
14:45Long time ago.
14:47He's out now, working in Timpsons.
14:49Ange, what's this?
14:50Oh, good.
14:51We were beyond words by the end.
14:56Did Dad ever write your love letters, Mum?
14:57No.
14:59No, we're not.
15:01No, I don't need letters.
15:03It's your actions, isn't it?
15:04He shows me.
15:05How?
15:06How does he show you?
15:08Lots of ways.
15:10He, um...
15:11He, uh...
15:14He...
15:14It's the little things, isn't it?
15:17Cleared loft out for me the other day.
15:21Nigel cuts my toast into little hearts.
15:25That's why he's quite a lot of bread.
15:27It's like George.
15:28He's a romantic.
15:29He's one of the soldiers in the story.
15:30He's set in a trench.
15:31Oh, I love a trench.
15:33He's a quiet type.
15:34Very stoic.
15:36Elegant.
15:39Like a gazelle.
15:40Quick on his feet.
15:41Sees me weeping.
15:42Miki!
15:44He sees Miki weeping.
15:47It's how the Germans pronounce Miki.
15:48He's another soldier in the story.
15:50Yeah.
15:52Miki is crying because he's coming over the top.
15:55It's a surprise.
15:58Fun fact.
15:58You know, trenches were never dug in a straight line.
16:01It's like love.
16:03Because love is a winding road.
16:06He's very good, isn't he?
16:07Mm-hmm.
16:08I mean, his dad's a bit of a robot, but he's got something.
16:12Here, why don't you show those letters to Graham?
16:15Get his juices flowing.
16:16Hello, hello.
16:30All right?
16:32Right.
16:34Do I, er, not get a greeting?
16:36For God's sake, what do you want to curse, eh?
16:39No, no, it's just, you know...
16:41Oh!
16:42Can I not have a minute to meself?
16:44Come in the door and you're already starting.
16:47I'm not starting, I'm...
16:51What have I done?
16:52I think it's because you never write a love letters.
16:54What?
16:55Or cut a toast into hearts.
16:58You should do something romantic.
17:00Right, can we...
17:02Can we not?
17:02You know, I've had a bit of a day.
17:04I'm only trying to give you an heads up.
17:06Mano to mano.
17:09What's for tea?
17:10Cheese and salad cream sandwich.
17:12It's just too hard.
17:15You could make dinner.
17:16You've got to keep the fires burning, Dad.
17:21We'd both been inspired.
17:23Dad had to whip up a feast.
17:25I had to whip up a plot.
17:28It all made sense to me now.
17:30Write what you know.
17:32Yeah, he did what you do...
17:45We'll do it.
17:47We found Tim.
17:49We'll blow it.
17:50We'll do it, David.
17:51We'll do it, and we'll be right with it.
17:52Anyway, one will work on them...
17:56Garnished.
18:10Are you going to get yours then?
18:13No.
18:14I haven't got the energy to make another one.
18:19So, what are you going to buy with your wheels?
18:22What?
18:23Oh, I don't know.
18:26I'm not really in it for the Wally's voucher.
18:28The writing is its own reward.
18:30No, it's not.
18:31It's like pulling teeth.
18:33I think I'm going to get a Mr Frosty.
18:36Good morning, Eastern Lovell.
18:40Quiet!
18:42So, Mrs Willwald?
18:44What?
18:46What?
18:47Well, Hall has read all your entries
18:54and she said that the standard is incredibly high
18:56and there can only be one winner
18:59and this entry was deeply moving
19:02with a real relish of language
19:04and a precocious narrative confidence.
19:08So, let's announce the winner.
19:11Could...
19:12Oh.
19:13Alan Carr, please come up.
19:16Yes!
19:17Oh, but...
19:18It's a bitch!
19:21So, this was it.
19:23This was the beginning.
19:24Watch and weep, Eastern Lovell.
19:26Today, a Woolies voucher.
19:28Tomorrow, the booker.
19:30So, the process was excruciating.
19:32So what?
19:33You had to suffer for your art
19:34and I, Alan Carr,
19:37was an artist!
19:38Shh!
19:39Well done, Alan.
19:40Now, Miss Gideon will read an extract.
19:42Miss Gideon.
19:44Clever boy.
19:46Open Arms
19:47by Alan Graham Carr.
19:51George's long, live neck
19:53stuck high above the parapet.
19:57A gazelle in the firing line.
19:59His tousled, auburn curls
20:02adding an extra inch or two
20:04to his height.
20:05Forming a kind of halo
20:08which seemed to illuminate
20:10his face in the brutal dark...
20:12George thrashed into the sea,
20:14his muscular arms
20:15parting the water
20:16like Moses in fatigues
20:18as Miki's head
20:20slipped
20:21below the surface.
20:23That's like you and Jake in the pool.
20:25That was...
20:26George lunged through the surf,
20:28Miki's body
20:29bucked.
20:31His nostril not only flared with war,
20:34but with chlorine.
20:36Chlorine?
20:37You don't care.
20:38No, what would I write about Jake?
20:40It's fiction.
20:41Reality creeps in.
20:43Nothing creeps in.
20:44As Miki's lungs
20:46filled with water,
20:48George's opal eyes
20:50came into focus
20:51beneath the waves.
20:53Eyes
20:53blue as the ocean.
20:56The mood ring
20:58on his outstretched pinky
21:00seemed to be mesmerising.
21:03Right, okay,
21:04I think that's enough.
21:05We all need to be
21:06getting to class,
21:07don't we?
21:11He surrendered his body
21:12to George.
21:13Is this the miracle
21:15Miki needed?
21:17A hero?
21:18But it wasn't.
21:30He was dead.
21:32He had died.
21:35He drowned.
21:38Gosh, so sad.
21:39But poor Miki,
21:41that's,
21:41that's,
21:42um,
21:43so yes,
21:43that's the,
21:44the end.
21:45The end.
21:46She'd stop the world
21:47from knowing I was gay
21:48and took that secret
21:49to her grave.
21:50Love you, Jackie.
21:51That's a joke, man.
21:52Mine was way better than that.
21:54Oi, zip it.
21:57Well done, Alan.
21:58You surprised us all now.
22:00Off you go, then.
22:00I couldn't see meself
22:04slaving over a hot biro
22:06scraping a living
22:07as an author.
22:08I was a talker,
22:10a raconteur,
22:11a chatty man.
22:12But who was gonna pay me
22:14to do that job?
22:16Take me down
22:17with the paradise
22:18here with the grass
22:19and the grass is pain
22:19and the girl's
22:20I'll put it down
22:21Oh, won't you please
22:23take me home
22:24Just a legend
22:27living under the street
22:28I'm all
22:29I can't just
22:30love to beat
22:30I'm your charity
22:31Sorry, Nige.
22:32Could you give these
22:33to Anne?
22:34Tell her I found
22:35the hycoos
22:36especially moving.
22:38Right.
22:40See you later.
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