- 5 hours ago
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00:01Nothing united the UK more than a telephone.
00:06Everyone mucking in, trying to raise money for the less fortunate
00:10by humiliating yourself in front of your neighbours.
00:13Even celebrities came down from their ivory towers to show us they were just like us.
00:19Telephones were brilliant, but completely bonkers.
00:23Oh love, drop this into Mary, she's knitting a blanket for Africa.
00:27That has to be massive.
00:29Ma!
00:30Yes, I'm here.
00:32What took you so long?
00:34Right, here.
00:35Hello!
00:37That's not going to touch the sides.
00:39Alan, I bought every tin they had. I didn't know you'd need this many.
00:42I need photographic evidence.
00:44No-one is going to care. You're in a bar for beans.
00:47I'm supposed to be up to me neck.
00:49Poor kids could be eating these, you'd be better off donating them.
00:52Well I can't now, can I?
00:54This is disgusting, Alan.
00:56Let's go!
00:57Let's go!
00:58Yeah, both of you down the winds at the same time.
00:59Sign that.
01:00What?
01:01Sign that.
01:02It's for charity, for the telethon.
01:03Geoff Capes is doing a raffle for Anglia TV. It's going to get spicy.
01:05Here, get Banjo to sign it and all.
01:07Quick, quick.
01:08You ever held a pen before?
01:09Yeah.
01:10It's for charity, for the telethon. Geoff Capes is doing a raffle for Anglia TV.
01:14It's going to get spicy. Here, get Banjo to sign it and all.
01:20Quick, quick. You ever held a pen before? That's it. Good boy. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No one wants you on the ball.
01:27Well, they'll want the manager, sure.
01:28No one cares about the manager, Gray.
01:30Why are you signing it?
01:32I'm just ejecting a bit of personality, aren't I? Give that to Wingnut when he's off the bogs. Cheers, Gray.
01:55I'd want you on my ball gaff.
02:04Ah, thanks, Alfie.
02:07Oh, Ang, you ain't got a few tins of beans if you were in a right state.
02:12I didn't know things were that bad.
02:15If your cupboards are bare, you can always send the boys to me for a feed.
02:19We'll say nothing of it. Me casserole is too casserole.
02:22Oh, for God's sake. We're just doing a bath of beans for charity.
02:25Well, we're trying. We're about 20 tins short.
02:26That's why we're here. Charlie's doing a camp out Saturday.
02:29Yeah.
02:30Nigel's digging a fire pit as we speak.
02:32Careful you don't fool him. Just whatever you can afford.
02:35Charlie's raised 78 pounds so far.
02:37Yeah, 30 quidder. That's from you.
02:38He's having a camp out. Load of mates coming round for the telethon.
02:42Oh, which mates?
02:43Michael Godgeon. Bradley.
02:45Who else? Jake.
02:47Jake!
02:49Maybe Alan could camp out instead of the beans.
02:52Oh, well, that's very... you'd like that, wouldn't you, with the boys?
02:56Oh, no. Not with Charlie. He's done enough of charity already.
03:00No, no, I meant maybe Graeme could put a tent up in your garden.
03:03If he's got time.
03:04Of course he has. Yeah, we might do that.
03:07No, no, no, no, we will not. I'm watching the telethon.
03:11Oh, and Kay's staying over.
03:13Christine. I'd never let Charlie have a girl stay over.
03:16That flies round muck.
03:18Well, Alan and Kay are very sensible.
03:20Well, I suppose it's easier to trust them when they look like that.
03:22Alan respects girls, Ange.
03:24They learn from their fathers, don't they?
03:26Right, come on, Alan. Let's dig that tent out.
03:28It'll be an adventure.
03:29So, the sleepover?
03:31Sure you don't want me to bring anything?
03:33No, just yourself.
03:35I'll pack out some light bites.
03:37And are you sure you're all right sleeping outside?
03:39It's a tent, Alan, not a kennel.
03:41So, I will have to ask my mum, but I'm sure you can.
04:06I'd love to. Not.
04:09Rather sleep in a bin. My God.
04:13You did give me a no.
04:15She gave me a no.
04:16Why would I want to hang out with them two?
04:18You literally asked them if you could go, you idiot.
04:20Yeah, I'm the knob.
04:22They've got eight eyes between them.
04:24Well, they can see you're an idiot, then.
04:26Er, settle down, please.
04:28Make no air. Why always day?
04:34I think it sounds like a laugh, Alan.
04:36I love a light bite.
04:38I'd go.
04:39Er, settle down.
04:40Had all the girls in the class sipped on a love potion?
04:44I was irresistible.
04:47Right. Er, no.
04:50You forget, don't you?
04:52When you haven't done it for a bit.
04:54It'll all come back.
04:55You'll see.
04:56Ah, dib-dib-dab and all that.
04:58Let me read that.
04:59Ah, don't, er...
05:02Don't need that.
05:03My dad could build an 11-man, goal-scoring, league-winning team from scratch.
05:09A two-man tent. Forget it.
05:19Tom's come to help, and he's bought his flash tent.
05:21All right.
05:22Yeah, heard you're over the edge flapping about.
05:24God, you must think we're incapable.
05:26We?
05:27No, I can, er...
05:29I can do it.
05:30I've just been destructed thinking about the game.
05:32Oh, yeah, yeah, look, you do what you need to do.
05:34It's fine.
05:35Right, let's get this up.
05:36Oh, all right.
05:38Right.
05:40Thank you for coming over.
05:43I mean...
05:44I can do it.
05:46Er...
05:49Yeah.
05:50Bye.
05:52See ya!
05:53It's a proper tent.
05:54Yeah, it is.
05:55Very nice.
05:56It's a palace.
05:57I said to him, make him suffer a bit.
05:59Oh, they will.
06:00Oh, they will.
06:01It gets freezing in the early hours.
06:02I mean, we really have to snuggle up.
06:07Do you, erm...
06:08Do you camp out a lot, then?
06:10Yeah.
06:11Yeah, we do.
06:17It's not always easy...
06:19booking things, holidays, when you're...
06:23when you're a bus.
06:24No.
06:25No.
06:26Look, I didn't like to assume.
06:30Christine, I was blaring Nana Muscuri White Rose of Athens at full blast this morning.
06:34The signs were all there.
06:37I think I could get used to this.
06:39Wish we had a telly in here.
06:40Imagine a little telly that you could carry around with you.
06:53Not everyone's obsessed with telly, Alan.
06:55No, but they would be if they had one of those.
06:57Nothing else would get done.
06:58I wonder what other boys over the road are doing.
07:06Lucky they got Jake.
07:07He's very outdoorsy, isn't he?
07:09He doesn't even wear a coat during winter, just his burgundy fleece.
07:12I think he and his brothers did Venture Scouts growing up.
07:17He could probably rub two stones together to make a fire.
07:20He's very dexterous.
07:22Isn't he?
07:24So dexterous it makes you sick.
07:27Bet you wish it was him in here right now, don't you?
07:30Not really.
07:32Do you?
07:33Alan?
07:34Your friend's here.
07:35Georgie?
07:37Did you invite Georgie?
07:38No.
07:39Oh.
07:40I'd like to stroke your back.
07:42I'll have a light bite.
07:46Oh, my God, she fancies me.
07:51Oh, hello.
07:52Just wanted to see how you were after the other day.
07:54Oh, what happened the other day?
07:55Nothing.
07:56I just felt a bit sick.
07:57Oh.
08:00And lovely of you to check in.
08:02Yeah.
08:04Thanks.
08:06What was Georgie doing here?
08:08I could only fit so many girls in me tent.
08:12Was there anything else?
08:14Would you like a drink?
08:15No, liquids for me, thank you.
08:17I don't want to end up weeing in the bird bath.
08:19Yes, well, the girls might like one.
08:21Something fizzy.
08:22Oh, yeah, that would be great.
08:23Oh, thanks.
08:24You pop in, love.
08:25Right, out we get.
08:26Come on.
08:27She's made an effort.
08:28She's very sick.
08:29Ah.
08:30Come on.
08:31Ah.
08:32Come on.
08:33Hair up, hair down, scrunchy off.
08:34Make your mind up, love.
08:35Then it hit me.
08:36She was flirting.
08:37God, is that Lionel Blair with a moustache?
08:40Watching the whole thing?
08:41Yes.
08:42Lisa Goddard's about to upsell down the BT Tower.
08:43Is that Lionel Blair with a moustache?
08:45Watching the whole thing?
08:46Yes.
08:47Lisa Goddard's about to upsell down the BT Tower.
08:48It's 27 hours of pure magic, Georgie.
08:49It's 27 hours of pure magic, Georgie.
08:5027 hours, we're on the air.
08:51And I'm on the air.
08:52Thank you very much.
08:53Thank you very much.
08:54It's not a bad start.
08:55Thank you very much.
08:56It's not a bad start.
08:57Welcome to the telecom.
08:5827 hours.
08:59Hair up, hair down, scrunchy off.
09:00Make your mind up, love.
09:01Then it hit me.
09:02She was flirting.
09:03God, is that Lionel Blair with a moustache?
09:06Watching the whole thing?
09:08Yes.
09:09Lisa Goddard's about to upsell down the BT Tower.
09:12It's 27 hours of pure magic, Georgie.
09:15Charlie Hudson lives near you, doesn't he?
09:19Yeah, just across the road.
09:21The boys are all camping at his tonight.
09:23Jake and them.
09:24Oh, I know.
09:25We're all at it.
09:26Maz was going to go too, but Charlie's mum said,
09:30can't trust a girl near a sleeping bag.
09:36We should bring in Margaret a celeb.
09:45Oh, five, three, two, forty-three.
09:48Eleven, forty-three.
09:50OK, let's go.
09:52Now we go to Southampton.
09:54TVS.
09:55Fern Britton and Fred Dinage.
09:57It's ringing.
09:58Alan's great, isn't he?
10:00Yeah, he's great.
10:02He is great, yeah.
10:03They're ringing.
10:04Charlie said they were going to do a Ouija board.
10:06You shouldn't do them outdoors.
10:07The weather throws the results off.
10:08I think they were just mucking about.
10:09You don't muck about with the astral plane.
10:10I'm through!
10:11Oh, nice.
10:12Have you ever done one?
10:13Why are you here?
10:14To see Alan.
10:15You never normally bother with Alan.
10:16Me and my sister did one.
10:17We got this woman.
10:18She'd been murdered by her neighbour.
10:19Hit her over the head with a frying pan.
10:20She spelt out F-R-Y.
10:21I can spell frying pan, thanks.
10:22She said he's still out there somewhere.
10:23He'll kill again.
10:24Evening old!
10:25Hurrah!
10:26Welcome back.
10:27Fancy a little nightcap?
10:28Um...
10:29Um, yes, I'm sorry.
10:30You're not happy.
10:31You're not happy.
10:32I've been murdered by the neighbour.
10:33He bit her over the head with a frying pan.
10:35She spelt out F-R-Y.
10:36What I can spell frying pan, thanks?
10:38She said he's still out there somewhere.
10:40He'll kill again.
10:42Evening old!
10:43Hurrah!
10:47Welcome back.
10:52Fancy a little nightcap?
10:54Um, yeah. Yeah, um, just a minute.
11:00Sorry, love. Nick's here to see your dad. You're going to have to go upstairs.
11:04Oh, really?
11:06Alan's been having a pajama sleepover thing.
11:10We're giving him a bit of space.
11:12Fair play, mate. You crack on. Don Julio. Naughty dog, isn't he? Shall we?
11:24Beautiful home. Thank you.
11:27Lovely to finally meet you, Chrissie. It's Christine.
11:30Here, do us a favour. Crack this open for us, will you?
11:33Oh!
11:35Oh! Hey!
11:36Only joking.
11:39Safe friends and your keeper.
11:40Yeah, Vince. You should probably learn his name.
11:43Nah, sod that. I ain't learning all them names. They won't last.
11:50Speaking of which, you might want to have a sit down.
11:53I am certain.
11:54You might want to have a lie down, then.
11:56Right, I'll get the glasses.
12:00Redhead.
12:02Very nice.
12:03Always been partial to a redhead.
12:05I've settled on a blonde for now, but I truly believe men should experience every colour of the rainbow.
12:12Bugger me!
12:14When'd Lionel Blair get a tash?
12:16If you thought it was tense downstairs.
12:23Have you seen God's spell?
12:26No.
12:27I know what we could do.
12:34You did what?
12:36I sold him.
12:37He's gone.
12:38Out the door.
12:39He wanted to say bye to you, but I know how emotional you get about these things, Gray, and I couldn't put the poor bugger through it.
12:45He's just a kid.
12:46He's 28.
12:47Yeah, whatever.
12:48The point is 28.
12:50Bloody hell.
12:52He's getting on a bit.
12:53I did you a favour there.
12:54Take him out back and shoot him.
12:56Never mind sell him.
12:57I signed him on his 18th birthday.
12:59It took 10 years, but he's there now.
13:01He's solid.
13:02Apparently so.
13:04Silly bastard paid 15k for him.
13:06See, but this is what I'm talking about, Gray.
13:09I signed him on his 18th birthday.
13:11You're too attached.
13:12I'm not attached, but you consult me before selling my strongest defender.
13:17We discuss these things.
13:18Discuss it?
13:19What for?
13:20You'd say tomato.
13:21I'd say tomato.
13:22But I don't want to call the whole thing off, Gray, because we're barely getting started, son.
13:27We need him.
13:28We need cash.
13:30We need lots of cash, Graham.
13:32And fast.
13:34Here we go.
13:39Up the cobblers.
13:44Georgie, there's a toilet out there.
13:47Something told me Georgie wasn't after a midnight snack.
13:53Our team goes that way.
13:55Your team goes that way.
13:56Norby, give it that way.
13:57We stop picking it that way.
13:59There's a science.
14:01Sometimes they're in three brains.
14:03A bit of fresh air.
14:04Yeah.
14:05I mean, we could just sit in the garden for a little bit.
14:06Who looks there?
14:07Well, Tom and Jess sometimes, I think.
14:08Two blokes.
14:09What, are they brothers?
14:10No, they're not brothers.
14:11They're friends.
14:12Sounds well gay.
14:13Dare you?
14:14This is tedious.
14:15We just sat watching a woman put a harness on for ten minutes.
14:16That woman is one of the great comic minds of our time.
14:18Have you seen give us a clue?
14:19Egg it.
14:20Go on.
14:21Egg the door.
14:22Egg it.
14:23Egg the door.
14:24You egg it.
14:25It's not how it works.
14:26I don't do.
14:27How about no one eggs the door.
14:28No one eggs the door.
14:29No one eggs the door.
14:30No one eggs the door.
14:31No one eggs the door.
14:32No one eggs the door.
14:33What, are they brothers?
14:34No, they're not brothers.
14:35No, they're not brothers.
14:36They're...
14:37Friends.
14:38Sounds well gay.
14:39Dare ya.
14:40Oh.
14:41This is tedious.
14:42We just sat watching a woman put a harness on for ten minutes.
14:43That woman is one of the great comic minds of our time.
14:45Have you seen give us a clue?
14:46Egg it.
14:47Go on.
14:48Egg the door.
14:49You egg it.
14:50How about no one eggs the door.
14:52Watch this.
14:56See?
14:57Easy.
14:58What's the problem?
14:59You're mates with these benders or something.
15:08Good shot.
15:09There's so much egg in an egg.
15:11Which one's Charlie's house?
15:12The one on the corner.
15:14Be back in a minute.
15:20She's not coming back, is she?
15:21No.
15:22Let's go back in.
15:23We don't want to miss Des O'Connor.
15:24Uh-huh.
15:25I'll keep an eye on her.
15:26Say hello to Jake.
15:27Georgie.
15:28Georgie.
15:29Are you in there?
15:30Shh.
15:31Get in.
15:32Oh.
15:33Hey.
15:34Hi.
15:35Hello.
15:36Jake.
15:37Good timing.
15:38Drink?
15:39Yeah.
15:40Yeah.
15:41Yeah.
15:42Yeah.
15:43Yeah.
15:44Yeah.
15:45Yeah.
15:46Yeah.
15:47Yeah.
15:48Yeah.
15:49Yeah.
15:50Yeah.
15:51Yeah.
15:52Yeah.
15:53Yeah.
15:54Yeah.
15:55Yeah.
15:56Yeah.
15:57Yeah.
15:58Go on, then.
16:00I'd watched enough Jilly Gordon on food and drink to know which face to pull neck in spirits.
16:07Limit your reaction to just one eyelid.
16:09A manly sigh at the end.
16:11Do not cough.
16:12Cough.
16:13Cough.
16:14Cough.
16:15Oh.
16:16Oh, that's on the chest, that.
16:17We're playing Never Have I Ever.
16:19Oh, God.
16:20Let's do something else, eh?
16:22No.
16:23Georgie's turn.
16:24Go on.
16:25Hmm.
16:26Never have I ever done fourth base.
16:30I knew what first base was, but beyond that, I had no idea.
16:35First base, fourth base.
16:36How many bases does a woman have?
16:38I'm sure Alan can help you, Georgie.
16:40Don't worry, Al.
16:42It's just a game, innit?
16:43Yeah, well, you'll know who you've got your eye on.
16:45Oh, shut it, Bradley.
16:46Leave Alan alone.
16:47I'm bored of this now.
16:48Come on.
16:49How was your tent?
16:50It was something quite liberating.
16:51I'd love to live in a tent, me.
16:52Waking up to that zip coming down every morning.
16:53It would make me smile.
16:54That sounds good to me.
16:55Never change, Alan.
16:56Hello, happy campers.
16:57I'm going to hide a few pepperamis around the garden.
16:58A couple of Twixies.
16:59You can sniff them out like little badgers.
17:00We've got stuff in here.
17:01Yeah, but you want the full wilderness experience, don't you?
17:02Can you just get lost, Mum?
17:03Ooh!
17:04Ooh!
17:05Oh!
17:06Can you just get lost, mum?
17:07Ooh, someone's getting the grumpy ones.
17:22Ooh!
17:23All right, my angel.
17:25Ooh!
17:26Little clue for you, flower pot.
17:28It's all I'm saying.
17:29Thanks, Ange.
17:31hey hey pete
17:44hi chris sorry nige you christine's mate i'm in charlie's class oh the little elderly girl
17:58right out you get excuse me we've got a couple of stowaways alan you've left poor k on her own
18:07out alan is not in there i mean he might not be christine you were having some sort of episode
18:15georgie came around to see alan but obviously got other ideas when she heard there was a tent full
18:19of boys across the road excuse me christine come on sweetheart don't
18:25give me that right all of you out now come on right you mind the twigs
18:35out
18:37oh come on georgie i can see your top not poking through the sleeping bag
18:45they've been drinking it weren't me yeah you only gave us a fag oh radley stop talking it was me
18:53i brought it sorry you can't believe this you have no idea what's going on in your back garden
18:59did alan put you up to this my darling of course he didn't because i know he was gagging to get in
19:09that tent right alan we're off and you georgie get your stuff from as i thought you said you could
19:16trust him you don't even know what's going on in your own back garden state of it
19:25christine don't you walk away from me
19:28christine i know you can hear me you've got a bloody cheek at least i'm not losing other people's children
19:33that's the first friend he's had ran and she's a rat out the cage oh yeah you love to show up about
19:38your charlie's mates because you haven't got any of your own i'll remember that next time you come
19:42begging for food whoa calm down a bit no no no no you crack on girls this is lovely stuff
19:48they always like this yeah no no yeah yeah once i get going they're like wildcats
19:53no biting please girls no i won't keep quiet i'm fed up of it we need to find out
19:59boys is everything all right someone's throwing eggs at our front door
20:05we just sat down to watch the golden girls and then
20:08god that's awful i'm so sorry oh do you reckon it was kids well either that or a chicken fired
20:14went out mid-flight jez it's not funny you know we had a lot of this sort of thing in the old place
20:18yeah just can't seem to leave us alone oh my god are you there yep what no no no i was talking to
20:28you about carburettors earlier he said he supported daggan and rovers oh i'm sorry nigel
20:32which team should have puffed support arsenal no no what you've you've done this on purpose you
20:41you you've been leading me on sorry nigel you're really not a type at all my god it's spreading
20:49up the street first your ass now theirs i'm gonna wake up like nabber et al over right can we just
20:53stop please i'll do it i'll clean it up it's it's fine it's nearly done anyway now so thank you
20:59well look come in for a cuppa i insist as long as you're sure uh yeah yeah christine's friend and uh
21:07yeah you both of you can with the both of i'm i'm gonna put the kettle on come on why are you being
21:12well we will not be coming good you weren't invited
21:17there was me thinking sitting in a bar full of cold baked beans was humiliating but seeing him
21:44putting his arm around her and walking off well me toes curled and me stomach churned
21:54there's plenty more fish in the sea love no no there aren't that was my fish and they were
22:02oh love they're holding hands
22:04i really felt that i had a chance she just wasn't the one darling
22:18good night chrissy
22:22i wasn't talking about georgie i know i've known for ages
22:29i tell my blues they mustn't show but soon these tears are bound to flow cause it's raining
22:47it's raining raining raining in my heart
22:51raining my heart
22:53raining in my heart
22:55raining in my heart
23:01you
23:06you
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