- 7 hours ago
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00:00The many, many times you never asked me out.
00:03I was...just worried.
00:07Things might change after you had the baby.
00:10What baby?
00:19What the fuck?
00:21No.
00:22Oh God.
00:23You know, I order a single drinks.
00:25Yeah.
00:26Excuse me mate.
00:28Sadie, what are you doing down there?
00:37It's okay.
00:39It's okay.
00:41Dad?
00:43What?
00:47Sadie?
00:58The baby's crying love.
01:07Oh is she?
01:08Thanks.
01:09She's very, very loud.
01:11Have you just got in?
01:13I've been out entertaining my wonderful butcher friend, the Sausage Man.
01:17So things are getting serious with the Sausage Man then?
01:19Sausage Men are never serious Gemma.
01:21They drift in and out of one's life like the wind.
01:24Yeah, that's famously what Sausage Men do.
01:26In all the romantic sausage poems.
01:28Are you hungry?
01:29Because he could knock you up a sandwich in no time.
01:32He's here.
01:33Yeah.
01:34Hiya Gemma.
01:35Mum, we had a conversation about this.
01:37He turned up with a massive pack of chops Gemma.
01:39I'm not going to say no.
01:40No.
01:41Get him to leave.
01:42Now.
01:43You need to keep your stress levels down while you're feeding.
01:46Don't want your milk to taste bitter.
01:51Hey, come here you.
01:53Oh.
01:54Now that is a big bit of me.
01:57Thin walls work both ways.
02:00Malcolm.
02:03Malcolm.
02:04I told you not to sleep up here between the hours of 7am and 11pm.
02:16Yeah, I'm sorry.
02:17I just couldn't get to sleep last night.
02:18There was a big complicated fight over some crab paste.
02:20I didn't want to get involved yet.
02:22Malcolm.
02:23Sleeping men produce a terrible odour.
02:27And you know I'm trying to run a top class professional establishment here.
02:32Derek.
02:33The door's broken again.
02:35Oh, for fuck's sake.
02:37Lawrence.
02:38Don't you think I have enough fucking admin on my hands
02:42without having to worry about fixing every single fucking broken fucking door in this place?
02:47The front door.
02:48Oh, the front door.
02:49I'm sorry.
02:50Why didn't you say?
02:51Jesus Christ.
02:54What?
02:55I, me and the others,
02:57we don't think it's fair that Malcolm stays for free.
03:03And we all pay rent.
03:08Go away, you pathetic piece of shit.
03:15He's right, mate.
03:16Oh, cool.
03:17You're gonna have to start chipping in.
03:18Otherwise they're just gonna set fire to your sleeping bag and throw it down the bin chute.
03:22I've seen it before.
03:23I mean, it's been three months.
03:24I thought Davina would have left by now.
03:29Do you want me to put some MDF over the front door?
03:31Eh?
03:32Stop strange men getting in.
03:33Malcolm.
03:34We are the strange men.
03:44Oh my god, I am so tired.
03:47Why?
03:48Aren't you just supposed to sleep when she sleeps?
03:51Oh yeah.
03:52I'll just curl up in a ball here, shall I?
03:53Why don't mum help you with a baby?
03:55The baby has a name.
03:56Yeah.
03:57Brenda.
03:58For fuck's sake.
04:01Right, so, don't take this the wrong way, but Gemma, you look like shit.
04:08Me?
04:09Yeah.
04:10And you've got grills?
04:11Yeah.
04:12How did you even get grills?
04:14I made it.
04:16Out of a Bakewell tart tray.
04:17I've got me own little accessory side hustle in here.
04:20It's like Etsy, but with knuckle dusters.
04:23It's good to have career goals.
04:28Hey!
04:29Fuck's sake, Gemma, you fuck up Brenda.
04:34Oh, the wanderer finally returns.
04:38Oh, there we go.
04:39How's your downstairs doing?
04:41Yeah, my downstairs is fine, Rita.
04:42I had a C-section.
04:44Well, how's your upstairs doing?
04:47Oh, still tender.
04:49Oh, wait till you get to my age.
04:51Everything's tender.
04:53Upstairs, downstairs, front and back.
04:56Well, you need to be very careful, Gemma.
04:58Because one of my ladies who had a caesarean,
05:00well, baby couldn't have been more than a fortnight at all
05:02when she saw that picture of a cat who looks like Phil Foden
05:05and laughed so hard, the scar just tore open and her innards fell out,
05:08splat, right onto her thighs.
05:10She had to take herself off to her knee, carrying a bit sooner to ask her back.
05:13It's in her Tosco bag.
05:16Thanks, but I think I'm past the innards in her shopping bag phase now.
05:22Were you very tired?
05:23Yeah.
05:24I've not had more than two hours continuous sleep since Sadie was born.
05:27I thought your mum had moved in.
05:29Yeah, she has.
05:30She was great at first, although that might have been the painkillers.
05:33Now, three months later, I'm not so into it.
05:35And, er, what's Malcolm been up to?
05:38He's too scared to come over while Mum's there,
05:40so I've not seen much of him.
05:42Rita, what's this?
05:43Well, speaking of your father, these are my new erotic mugs, Gemma.
05:47This is a sexy man's chest with a willy for a handle.
05:50He's made no sense anatomically.
05:51Why has he got a giant-sized penis coming out of his ribcage?
05:54I'm trying to become one of those places hem parties go to.
05:57You know, nails, brows, cocks.
05:59Rita, you don't know the first thing about nails or brows.
06:05I do know about cocks, though.
06:07That was the implication.
06:08I bet you've been around a few cocks, haven't you, Winnie?
06:10Oh, it brings back memories, this, Rita.
06:13Winnie, you mucky bitch.
06:17Erm, would you judge a man for wearing pink deodorant?
06:19Probably.
06:20Oh, shit.
06:21Dad?
06:22Are you hiding?
06:23Is your mother with you?
06:24No.
06:25Well, then I'm not hiding, am I?
06:26Oh, God.
06:27Oh, God, she's grown up so much, hasn't she?
06:28Look at her, she's massive.
06:29And there's a little beefcake on you.
06:30Oh, she misses you.
06:31Oh, I miss her as well.
06:32Jesus, you're all right, love.
06:33You look knackered.
06:34You getting enough sleep?
06:35Yeah, just a rough night.
06:36Alright.
06:37How's the sad man bed sit?
06:38Hey, yeah, great.
06:39Yeah, I love it there.
06:40Mm-hmm.
06:41Back in your old room?
06:42Yeah, well, almost, you know.
06:43Definitely within smith and distance.
06:44I know.
06:45How are things with your mum?
06:46Great she's there, huh?
06:47Yeah?
06:48Yeah?
06:49Yeah, yeah.
06:50Yeah.
06:51Yeah.
06:52Yeah.
06:53Yeah.
06:54Yeah.
06:55Yeah.
06:56Yeah.
06:57Yeah.
06:58Yeah.
06:59Yeah.
07:00Yeah.
07:01Yeah.
07:02Yeah.
07:03Yeah.
07:04Yeah.
07:05Yeah.
07:06Yeah.
07:07Yeah.
07:08Yeah.
07:09Would you judge a man for wearing pink deodorant?
07:11I don't think it's pink when you put it on.
07:13I don't know.
07:16I don't know.
07:17I don't.
07:18Grab me one of those, actually.
07:25Christ, Jimmy, Mum's still being a nightmare.
07:27Tell you what, I'm coming over.
07:29You jump in the shower, I'll get Sadie off to sleep.
07:32Oh, I'm not being funny, babe.
07:34I'm not going through your laundry and your dirty knickers.
07:36Mm-hmm.
07:37Special eats?
07:38Mum's room.
07:39But I'm not allowed in there.
07:40She said very firmly I was not to go in there.
07:42We are definitely going in there.
07:44Okay.
07:45What do you think she's hiding?
07:46God knows.
07:47But if you see a man holding sausages, promise me you won't scream.
07:48What the fuck?
07:49Oh my God.
07:50What a bougie bitch.
07:51She's punishing me, isn't she?
07:52For being a dick when I was a newborn.
07:53She's waited 25 years and this is her revenge.
07:55No.
07:56I'll get it and whoever it is, I'll tell him to fuck off.
07:57You just lie down and get some rest, yeah?
07:58Oh my God.
07:59What the fuck?
08:00Oh my God.
08:01What a bougie bitch.
08:02She's punishing me, isn't she?
08:03For being a dick when I was a newborn.
08:04She's waited 25 years and this is her revenge.
08:05No.
08:06I'll get it and whoever it is, I'll tell him to fuck off.
08:07You just lie down and get some rest, yeah?
08:09Oh what the fuck?
08:10Oh my God.
08:11Sorry.
08:12I'm sorry.
08:13I'm sorry.
08:14Oh my God.
08:15I'm sorry.
08:16Can't go out.
08:17I can't go out.
08:18Oh my God.
08:19I know.
08:20This is her revenge.
08:21No.
08:22Oh no.
08:23I didn't want to keep messaging, so I finally just came over.
08:26I've got presents for you and for Sadie.
08:31So, Sadie's having a nap.
08:35Zand, mate, Sadie's having a nap.
08:38I wasn't expecting her to give me a catwalk or anything.
08:41Oh, well...
08:43Oh, you want me to leave?
08:46Well, it's the only time that I can actually get some sleep.
08:48I mean, look at the state of Earth.
08:50Fuck off.
08:51Well, erm...
08:52Thank you. Another time?
08:54Erm, another time? Sure.
08:57Soz.
09:05So, how are we gonna get rid of your ex?
09:11Well, we have to. I mean, you know, I think Gemma likes having her mum around, so...
09:15Aww, I don't give a fuck.
09:17I need you off that landing before there's a mutiny, Malcolm.
09:20We could...
09:23No, you'd never go for it.
09:25What?
09:26We could inform MI6 that Davina's been grooming kids into joining Alkalita.
09:31No.
09:35Nah, nah, I didn't think you'd go for it.
09:37I did come up with some other ideas while I was on the bog.
09:40You know, if I did move back in with Gemma, it'd be best if it didn't seem to be my idea, you know?
09:45Spoken like a true soy boy.
09:49Nice job.
09:51Wait, how do we get in now?
09:53It's like a cath flat.
09:55A bop for fellas.
09:57That is...
09:59absolutely...
10:00fucking genius!
10:05After you.
10:06OK.
10:07The maiden voyage?
10:08Yeah.
10:09Meow!
10:12You know what doesn't need sterilising?
10:14Tits.
10:15Tits.
10:16Yeah.
10:17Well, she gets plenty of breast milk.
10:19I just use formula sometimes because it helps me out.
10:21Oh.
10:22It's all about her, isn't it?
10:24Selfish mummy.
10:25Baby wants nip-nip.
10:27I absolutely destroyed my breasts for you and Catherine.
10:30It's only right and fair you do the same.
10:32God, Mum, you must be desperate to get back out there.
10:34See the world.
10:36More of it.
10:37New bits of it.
10:39I'm not going anywhere, Gemma.
10:40You need me.
10:42Oh.
10:43Oh, God, that is a smelly one.
10:44OK, well, can you change her?
10:46Cos I've got to finish this.
10:47Sorry, love, I can't.
10:48I'm off for a bikini wax.
10:50Full Hollywood.
10:51Do you know, I never used to bother, but it's expected these days.
10:54I had a dalliance with a 28-year-old and he shrieked when he saw my thatch.
10:57Oh, my God.
10:58It used to be different, of course.
10:59When I had Catherine, the midwives told me to keep it as full as possible.
11:03You know, to clean her on the way out like those big brushes at the car wash.
11:07Is that what they told you?
11:09Do you know, I never once got brought up.
11:11And I won't be home for dinner.
11:13But it's your turn to cook.
11:15I have got you some slim fast so you can make a start on shifting that baby weight.
11:19My cousin was eight stone one month after giving birth.
11:22Because she was in a coma.
11:25I know.
11:26Intensive care did wonders for her waistline.
11:28I was quite jealous.
11:29Love ya.
11:30Love ya.
11:31Oh, baby.
11:34Should we kill Nana?
11:39Yeah.
11:40Yeah.
11:41Should we kill Nana?
11:45Or should we kill Mummy instead?
11:50What if Gemma doesn't want me to move back in with her?
11:54Dad!
11:55Gemma!
11:56I can't take living with Mum anymore.
11:57How do I get in?
11:58Use the flap!
11:59Use the flap!
12:00Don't be ridiculous.
12:02Alright, come round the back.
12:03But don't tell anyone there's a door there!
12:08It's my door.
12:09Go round the back.
12:10Round the back.
12:11Whoa!
12:12Is this where you've been staying?
12:13Eh, now I've got an airbed on the landing.
12:14My personal private space is very important to me.
12:15Especially at night.
12:16Mm-hmm.
12:17Why's that?
12:18He plays Minecraft.
12:19Shut the fuck up.
12:20So, what is on the list of ways to get rid of Davina?
12:21Well, er, she's allergic to tomatoes.
12:22Okay, good.
12:23So, we make her something with tomatoes, erm, a soup perhaps.
12:25Then she ends up unconscious, so we get her a little bit more.
12:27What if she's allergic to tomatoes?
12:28This is a big deal.
12:29Who's going to be a good deal?
12:30Who's going to be?
12:31Who's going to be a little bit more?
12:32All the way to eat?
12:33Who's going to eat?
12:34Who's going to eat?
12:35I can't eat.
12:36Can't eat.
12:37I can't eat.
12:38What if I don't eat?
12:39I can't eat.
12:40I can't eat.
12:41That's a big deal.
12:42I can't eat.
12:43I can't eat.
12:44I can't eat.
12:45I can't eat.
12:50Gaslight her into thinking that she never even lived at Gemma's, and it was a dream all along.
12:54Yeah, but it's only a mild allergy. It just makes her tongue itch.
12:56Oh, for fuck's sake.
12:58She's also allergic to horses.
12:59Oh, yeah.
13:00Excellent. Okay, I can work with that.
13:02Do you mean eating or hanging out with?
13:04Hanging out with.
13:05Great. So here's what we do.
13:07We fill the flat with horses.
13:12Three horses. Four horses?
13:15No, okay, different tack.
13:16Uh, what is she afraid of?
13:20Love. Emotional intimacy.
13:23Yeah. Brian. Yes, Degsy, mate.
13:26Yeah, yeah, I know.
13:27I think I've got an idea.
13:31Oh, come on, then. What are you thinking?
13:33Okay. So, the only thing in the world that my mother is afraid of is getting back together with Dad.
13:43Yeah. Which is why he's going to propose to her.
13:46Propose what?
13:47Propose marriage.
13:49No way.
13:50Oh, God. How much sleep did you get last night?
13:52All in one go. 37 minutes.
13:54And I feel pretty fucking amazing, actually.
13:56This is a good idea.
13:57Okay? This is a good idea.
13:58I mean, has anyone got a better idea?
13:59No, no, no. It's a great idea, look.
14:01It's a great idea.
14:02It's a shit idea.
14:03It's the only idea we've got, so let's go with it.
14:05Thank you, Derek.
14:07God, I knew you'd have faith in me.
14:08All right, don't overdo it.
14:09Has she seen her GP recently?
14:11I can't do it.
14:12I need you off my landing, Malcolm.
14:14And I need her out.
14:15Come on.
14:16Come on.
14:17Come on.
14:23I don't want to do this.
14:25What about those horses? Are they still available?
14:28Sure, you can bail, Malcolm.
14:30But the guys did mention suffocating you in your sleep again,
14:32so it's up to you, I guess.
14:34Dad, she needs to go, remember?
14:36I'll give it a go.
14:40Okay.
14:41Okay.
14:42We'll be listening.
14:46This is going to be a disaster, you know?
14:49Never miss an edge, Emma, is there?
14:50Don't you fucking dare.
14:51Malcolm.
15:07You mean, you look, um, nanny.
15:12Come on, Dad.
15:14Why are you here?
15:17Why, uh, was it like a glass of water?
15:20No.
15:21Yes, me too.
15:25Um, right.
15:28Having you back in our lives the last three months?
15:31Gemma's life.
15:32Barely seen you.
15:33Been hiding at Castle Uza.
15:36It's, uh, well, it's made me realise...
15:40God's sake, spit it out, Malcolm.
15:43The whole day you left.
15:46Oh.
15:48Mm-hmm.
15:48And I'd like us to, um...
15:54Rekindle our relationship.
15:57You are?
15:58Oh.
16:00I thought you were going to ask me for the money back from the house sale.
16:02Yeah.
16:03Oh, but can I have that money back?
16:04No.
16:05Well, uh, um, I, uh, whatever I said, whatever I did, you know, I didn't mean it.
16:20It's Barlow.
16:21He's gone Barlow.
16:22I just wanted you back for good.
16:26Gemma!
16:27Shit.
16:32What's going on?
16:34Dad wants you back.
16:35Does he?
16:36Yeah.
16:37Yeah.
16:37Definitely back for good, yeah.
16:40Do you?
16:41Right, well, I don't want him back.
16:43Mum, it's so cute.
16:44He says he's madly in love with you and that he will not leave this house until you agree
16:47to remarry him.
16:50Did ya?
16:51Oh, matey, don't I?
16:52Such a fucking sorry boy.
16:54I am swept away by the romance, Malcolm.
16:57Oh, go on, you lot, clear out.
16:59Got Sausage Mum coming round in a bit.
17:01We did our best, didn't we?
17:02Did you say Sausage Man?
17:05Okay.
17:05Mum, how about this?
17:09Will you please get the fuck out of my home?
17:13Fucking hell.
17:14Yeah.
17:15I mean, I love you, but if you don't go, I'm going to chuck myself out that window.
17:18Aren't we on the ground floor?
17:19Shut up.
17:20It's the Sausage Men, the late nights, the slim fast, the eating my biscuits.
17:25Oh, I know you do, because I've seen you take them.
17:27Okay?
17:28You're driving me insane.
17:29Either you go, or me and Sadie will, and it's my name on the lease, so that'll be really fucking annoying.
17:33This isn't working out for me, Gemma.
17:45I'm sorry, but I think it's time for me to leave.
17:47What the fuck?
17:49I literally just said that I can't stay here forever, much as you'd like me to.
17:54The world is calling me back to it.
17:58You understand, don't you, love?
18:01Yeah.
18:02The first few weeks of having Sadie, I couldn't have coped without you.
18:14Tell Malcolm he can keep the candles.
18:19I do have one tiny bit of advice.
18:22This first year is a very precious time, Gemma.
18:24Work out what it is what you want, and start reaching for it before you go back to work.
18:32Because once the grind starts, work, baby, life, you'll be trapped.
18:40Right.
18:41Your taxi's here.
18:42And before you know it, you'll have spent 20 years living with your father.
18:46That's the mistake I made.
18:47And I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
18:51Okay.
18:52Thanks.
18:56Good luck, love.
18:57Here you go.
19:17Fresh sheets, eh?
19:18And I've just put a clothes wash on.
19:22And I was thinking, in the next couple of nights, I can do a feed for you.
19:27And you can get some sleep.
19:30I'm so glad to be back, love.
19:33I've missed you so much, Miss Boothier.
19:36We've missed you.
19:38And I want you to know, that I will never, ever leave you again.
19:45Not until that one goes to university, anyway.
19:51You rest now, eh?
19:52Oh, hey, there's a Popeye in here.
20:06What the hell?
20:15Sadie!
20:16Sadie?
20:17Dad?
20:18Oh, my God.
20:21Jesus Christ.
20:22I thought she'd been kidnapped.
20:24Well, you wouldn't want to kidnap Sadie.
20:26You wouldn't want to kidnap Sadie.
20:27What's wrong with her?
20:28She's perfect.
20:28Oh, all right, love.
20:29If you had a big coffee down the shops.
20:32Yeah.
20:33Why are all the toys outside?
20:34Because plastic is toxic.
20:36I mean, if Sadie ate that, she'd be in real trouble.
20:39Because of choking?
20:39No, I've thrown out everything that's chokes' eyes.
20:41Choking is a hazard.
20:42But ingesting or even touching plastic is catastrophic.
20:45I've been doing some research on the YouTube.
20:48Oh, God.
20:49All plastic is evil.
20:51And I don't want to make the same mistake with Sadie as I made with you and Catherine.
20:54I mean, she's in prison, isn't she?
20:56I know.
20:57But not because she ate the feet off her Barbie.
21:01Or that.
21:03Well, what's she going to play with now?
21:04Oh.
21:07Ta-da!
21:08That's all I could afford, you know.
21:11They're really expensive.
21:12That's how you know they're good.
21:13What does it do?
21:14Um.
21:15Well, not everything has to do something, Gemma.
21:17Look, she loves it.
21:18Look, look.
21:19Look, look, look, Carl, look.
21:21He's coming around a colour.
21:23He's coming around a colour.
21:24What's he doing?
21:26Fucking hell, Gem.
21:27What?
21:28That's the colour that they wear on G-Wing.
21:31They'll have you scrubbing the toilets quicker than you can say I used to be hot.
21:34Yeah, well, the beige hides the milk stains, and I am still hot.
21:40You washed your cute pharmacist out yet?
21:42No.
21:43Not yet.
21:44But when I do, you know, never been turned down.
21:48If you're sure that you've still got it...
21:51Got it?
21:52No, I am it.
21:53Then, um, well, you won't mind doing me a teeny tiny favour.
21:58And tugging me solicitor off.
22:01That's not a favour.
22:02That's like, I don't know, a salt.
22:04Oh, no, no.
22:05No, no, no, no, no, no.
22:07You'll like it.
22:09Can't.
22:10You won't return me calls.
22:12The answer is still no.
22:14The old Gemma would have done it.
22:18No, she wouldn't.
22:20Anyway, just in case you change your mind,
22:23he really likes the sting and the smell of anti-bac gel.
22:28Don't ask me how I know that.
22:30I'm not gonna.
22:38Hiya, baby.
22:42Three lemons and a stick?
22:43Yeah, three organic lemons.
22:45Only the best for my granddaughter.
22:47Stick's not organic, then.
22:48Well, it better be.
22:49It cost me a tenner.
22:52Dad, I was wondering,
22:54how would you feel about babysitting Sadie?
22:56Well, what do you think of being done for the last three hours?
22:58No, I mean, like, all night.
23:00Oh.
23:01I kind of miss the old Gemma.
23:04You know, the one who went on dates?
23:06Had fun.
23:08I'd love to.
23:10Can Derek come over?
23:11Absolutely not.
23:12Hiya.
23:23Gemma, you look amazing.
23:26What?
23:26Really?
23:28I've got you a present.
23:29Wow.
23:31Yeah.
23:32It is a yellow box of hypodermic needles.
23:36That's amazing, that.
23:38Gemma, thank you.
23:39Didn't you give birth like six months ago?
23:40Mm-hmm.
23:40People keep hold of these things for years, don't they?
23:42Because you can't just chuck them in the bing, can you?
23:45No.
23:45No, you can't, Gemma.
23:46It's medical waste.
23:47Exactly.
23:48Which is why I did not do that.
23:51Look, sorry if I've been a bit distant lately.
23:57Have you?
23:57Just having a baby is such a big thing, and I was thinking, well, I wasn't sure, but I thought
24:06maybe you'd want space.
24:09Oh.
24:10What I actually wanted was some very large sanitary pads.
24:14Yeah, of course, of course, sure.
24:16I'm joking.
24:18It's a joke.
24:18Ha-ha.
24:19Ha-ha.
24:22Do you want to have a night out soon?
24:25Yeah.
24:26Yeah, I would absolutely love that.
24:28Me, you and Cherry.
24:29Yeah?
24:31Or just me and you.
24:33Alone.
24:37Um...
24:37I should have told you I've seen someone else.
24:39I only found out myself a few days ago when I popped in from my knit shampoo.
24:42Yeah, it's fine.
24:43I'm fine.
24:44I'm fine.
24:46It's okay not to be fine.
24:49I missed my chance, didn't I?
24:51Did I ever even have a chance?
24:52Sander was really into you, trust me.
24:54You just...
24:56moved on.
24:58Fucking hell.
24:58I mean, I just had a baby.
25:01I know.
25:02Meant that very simple creatures.
25:06All right, King.
25:07I bought supplies.
25:08Shh, shh, shh, shh.
25:09Shut the door.
25:11Right, come on.
25:12Can I just help me?
25:13Okay.
25:14So.
25:16Wow.
25:18This is my weapons-grade pulling dress, okay?
25:21I wore this on my best-ever night out,
25:23which we will be recreating tonight down to the very last detail.
25:25I just want to snog someone really fit.
25:27And that.
25:29Shush, shush, shush.
25:30You better stop shushing me.
25:31You know, I find it triggering.
25:33And you do know that baby's not asleep, don't you?
25:36Gemma doesn't want you here.
25:37Oh, fucking bitch.
25:40Hey, not in front of Sadie.
25:41She's going to have to learn sometime, Malcolm.
25:44Anyway, I bought supplies.
25:45Yeah, I don't drink around the baby, do I?
25:47It's not booze.
25:48I got you a really big tub of nappy creme.
25:52Does it have plastic in it?
25:54You know what?
25:54I don't know.
26:01Oh, what's he like?
26:02What's he like?
26:03If you want me to go, just say.
26:05Just stay here until Gemma's gone, all right?
26:08Get that door.
26:08You're complicit now, Sadie.
26:15Not ready to go through that again.
26:17Took me a year to even look at Lance's torch after I gave birth.
26:20TMI, babe.
26:21And when I did, it was another eight weeks before I could even touch it.
26:24Okay.
26:25Am I forgetting anything?
26:26Oh, passport.
26:27Yes.
26:27I was joking.
26:29Well, no, we're not going to leave the country, but we might hire a yacht.
26:32In Stockport?
26:33Yeah.
26:33The old Gemma did it twice.
26:35Oh, do you want to plumb those bad boys before we head out?
26:39Are you kidding?
26:40These are working for me tonight.
26:42Okay, so, if you want to take her for a walk in the morning, you've got nappies, wipes,
26:47spare clothes.
26:49I don't think I need that, love.
26:53And if there are any problems...
26:55Yeah, don't worry.
26:56I'll just call you.
26:57No, I was going to say, can you try and sort of mind yourself?
26:59Uh, yeah, sure.
27:00Not if it's an emergency, but try not to call if you can't find the cheese grater.
27:03Or scissors.
27:05Or batteries for the new remote.
27:07Yeah.
27:07Oh, yeah.
27:08Okay.
27:09I mean, how much trouble can one man and a baby get into sat in a flat all night?
27:13Fire.
27:13Flood.
27:14Babe drinks bleach.
27:15Right, shut up.
27:18Hiya.
27:19Right, ladies.
27:21Right, hey, pizza time.
27:23You know what?
27:24I'm feeling a bit adventurous, so I might have that one with the egg on it.
27:27Ah, yeah, I should have said sooner, boss man.
27:28We're going out.
27:29What?
27:30No, no.
27:31Me and Sadie are not leaving this flat.
27:34No way.
27:38So this kitten we're going to pick up, do you think it'll be all right with Sadie?
27:42You know, what if she gets a rash?
27:43You still got that creme?
27:45Yeah, I might have been fibbing about the kitten.
27:47Oh!
27:49You!
27:50Oh, turn this car around!
27:51Yeah, you know I'm not going to do that, Malcolm.
27:53God, I've got one job and that's to look after Sadie.
27:56And to have coins for parking.
27:58Relax, it's not like I'm taking us all abseiling, is it?
28:02All right, look.
28:05My eldest has informed me that her mother is getting remarried and tonight is the engagement party.
28:12Oh, mate.
28:13I'm sorry.
28:14Obviously, I don't give a fuck.
28:16Okay.
28:16Get your hands off me.
28:17Why?
28:19Why am I Sadie here?
28:21You two are here to help me ruin her night just like she ruined my life.
28:24Oh, British tapas.
28:32Yeah, this place might have changed a bit.
28:38Oh, it's giving banka-wanker.
28:41Oh, sorry I'm late.
28:42I'll catch up.
28:44Three of those, please.
28:44No problem.
28:45Uh, Rita?
28:46Hmm?
28:46They're not ours.
28:47No.
28:48Have you had some tea?
28:52You know, lined your stomach?
28:53Well, my plan was to grab a chipped butty on the way here, but I got myself accidentally
28:57locked in a park.
28:58The only thing to eat was litter and pine cones and that's not a good tea by anyone's
29:01standards.
29:02You got locked in the park.
29:03Yeah.
29:04But I'm fine now.
29:06Do you want to tell us what happened then?
29:07Not every single element of my life is up for grabs as an anecdote.
29:11Right, I thought we'd start with white Russians.
29:12Ooh!
29:14Boozy milkshake.
29:15Yum.
29:15Um, what's up, Jenna, love?
29:18Hey, you said milk.
29:21Oh.
29:22Oh.
29:23Sadie's feeding time.
29:25Babe, we can go if you want to.
29:27This place is mid.
29:28I don't want to go.
29:30No, you know what?
29:31I haven't had any action for months.
29:33I am not leaving here until I've been felt up at the very least.
29:36Yeah.
29:36Why don't you ask your dad for a photo?
29:38Oh, yes, please.
29:39Make sure he gets his chest hair in.
29:40Of the baby.
29:41We can have both.
29:43Hey, come on.
29:43I want to get battered.
29:45Slow down.
29:46Sorry.
29:47Christ, this is going to be a right fun night, isn't it?
29:51I'm not sure about this, mate.
29:52Okay, Malcolm, once again, you're being a massive pussy.
29:54Don't let me down.
29:54Come on.
29:55This is life or death.
29:56All right, my love.
29:56It's all right.
29:57Granddad's here.
30:02Derek.
30:03Derek, I'm just a bit worried.
30:04You know, that she might see something a bit untoward.
30:07Oh, Malcolm.
30:09Grow up.
30:10It's a family boozer, not a strip club.
30:11Okay.
30:12Okay, this is our little secret, okay?
30:15Don't tell your mum about this.
30:17Good girl.
30:19There's a dog in here.
30:21There's a massive dog right there.
30:23All right.
30:24Degsy.
30:25So where's this engagement party, then?
30:27Wrong red lion, mate.
30:28Look, Deb's left it here.
30:29This is our red lion.
30:30Not anymore.
30:31She's changed.
30:32She likes feta cheese now.
30:34Oh, such a bitch.
30:37Oh, God.
30:39It's from Gemma.
30:40She wants a photo of Sadie, and we're not in the flat, are we?
30:44Jesus Christ, Malcolm.
30:45She's not expecting a picture of her baby perched on the fucking cooker, is she?
30:48Yeah.
30:49Just get in really tight.
30:49Give it in.
30:50Give it in.
30:50Go on, go on.
30:52There you go.
30:52See?
30:52Right up close.
30:53Piece of piece.
30:54Can we go home now?
30:55No.
30:56There are six other red lions within a half hour's driving distance of Deb's new place.
30:59So we'd better crack on.
31:01Cheers, Gab.
31:01Cheers.
31:02I want Deb's board, by the way.
31:03Consider it done.
31:06All right.
31:07Shh.
31:07Cut the cover.
31:09Is that my baby's nose?
31:12Can you take it in a cupboard?
31:14Proper one, please.
31:16Right, come on.
31:18So tell me, whatever happened on this best ever night out?
31:21Oh.
31:22Okay.
31:23So I drank cocktails.
31:24I danced until dawn.
31:26I watched the sun rise with a very gorgeous personal trainer called Mason, who months later
31:31gave me an STI.
31:32But we'll skip over that bit.
31:33Mason Groves.
31:34Oh my God, you know him?
31:35Only by reputation.
31:37My mate works at Knob Clinic.
31:38This is the last red lion we're going into.
31:47You understand?
31:48Yeah, you said that three red lions ago.
31:50I say he's tired and I need to change her.
31:53Is that a baby?
31:54Yeah.
31:56Why?
31:57Why is it a baby?
31:58Why'd you bring your baby in here?
32:01Um...
32:01Is there possible anywhere I could change a nappy?
32:04There's no ladies' toilet.
32:07There are no ladies.
32:10There's no ladies.
32:12I think...
32:13A bit jencer down there.
32:15Okay.
32:17I'd better go and check it out first, all right?
32:19All right, I'll wait here.
32:19Yeah, I'll take it.
32:20What are you doing?
32:21Well, I don't want to take her in there.
32:22There could be men in there, couldn't there?
32:23Hurry up.
32:24I wouldn't go in there, mate.
32:44The seat's made of plastic.
32:45And kicked in shit.
32:46Oh, God.
32:48Dad, I asked you for a proper picture ages ago.
32:57Wait, where are you?
32:58I'm in the flat, obviously.
33:02Who's with you?
33:03Is Derek there?
33:05No, no.
33:06It's, um...
33:07Foz.
33:09Foz?
33:09Hi, Foz.
33:11What are you doing with my dad?
33:12I'm having a piss.
33:14He's joking.
33:15Yeah, oh, actually, he's not joking.
33:17No, Foz is a mate from work
33:18and he's just come round to use the toilet
33:19because his is broken, you know,
33:20so we're just at the bathroom.
33:21You're in there with him?
33:23Yeah, just, you know,
33:24showing him the bath mat.
33:26Anyway, he said he was asleep,
33:27but she's awake now,
33:28so I'll send you some photos, all right?
33:29Okay, see you later.
33:31Oh, God.
33:33I think I got away with that.
33:35Can I finish my piss now?
33:37Oh, yeah.
33:38Yeah, no problem.
33:39All right.
33:42Why does your dad look absolutely terrified?
33:44Oh, that him is nice.
33:49That's a yucca plan.
33:50Is it?
33:51I don't know where a skinny lad.
33:53Oh, yeah.
33:55Yeah, you're right.
34:00Mmm.
34:02Now that is a tasty snack.
34:04Oh, if you're getting a snack, Gemma,
34:05I would love some peanuts.
34:07Yeah.
34:07Oh, I'm fine.
34:12Hey.
34:13I'm fine.
34:13Hi.
34:14Is your friend okay?
34:15Mm-hmm.
34:16She's not had any tea, so...
34:19I'm Hodge.
34:20Paul Hudson.
34:21People call me Hodge.
34:22I'm Gemma.
34:23People call me Gemma.
34:25Ah!
34:26Ow!
34:28You have an heart attack.
34:30Well, let's hope so.
34:32So tell me about yourself, then.
34:34Well, I'll work in...
34:35Actually, no, I can't do that.
34:35I need to whimper.
34:36Mmm!
34:39Cherry!
34:40Oh, yeah.
34:44Hi.
34:45Hey, babe.
34:45My boobs are about to explode.
34:47Oh, right.
34:48Are they fake?
34:49No, you bellend.
34:50They're full of milk.
34:51Oh, my God, why?
34:52She's just had a baby and she's missed a feed.
34:54Oh, how do I make it stop?
34:55You need to get the milk out.
34:57Shall I get a pen lid and a knife?
34:59Why?
35:00Like when people's throats swell up,
35:01stab the pen lid in and release the pressure.
35:03You want to perform a tracheotomy on her tears?
35:05Well, I don't know.
35:06How do men know so little about the female body?
35:09Come on, babe.
35:12Come here.
35:12I'm coming.
35:13Just get me back.
35:15That's it.
35:15I'm calling her cab.
35:17Well, can I borrow Sadie, then?
35:19Oh, what?
35:19I'll bring her back?
35:20Why did you even drag us along tonight, eh?
35:22The plan was to turn up at the engagement party
35:30and pretend I'd had a baby with a much younger, fitter,
35:33less of a massive bitch woman.
35:35And who was I in all this?
35:38Personal assistant.
35:40I know.
35:40I know it's stupid.
35:41I just...
35:42I wanted Debs to think that I was doing great without her
35:45and I wasn't some sad loser.
35:49Oh, mate.
35:51Come on.
35:52You're not a sad loser.
35:54Oh, finally.
35:55The fucking kids are giving me the actual address.
35:57Let's go, Max.
35:58Let's go.
35:59Look, I'm going to change her first, though, okay?
36:01All right, come on.
36:02Shh.
36:04You need to self-express, babe.
36:06Are you joking massaging your breasts?
36:09No, I'm punching them with bricks.
36:11She shouldn't even be here.
36:13She should be at home with her baby.
36:15Who the fuck asked your opinion?
36:18Are you starting on me?
36:19Oh, once I start, I don't know what about it.
36:21Oh, well...
36:22There's been a complaint.
36:25Miss?
36:26You're no milking in here.
36:28I need you to leave.
36:29What?
36:30Did you grasp?
36:32Oh, no, it's Gemma.
36:34Dad, we're coming home.
36:36No, no, don't do that.
36:38Yes, I do need to do that because I need to pump.
36:41Disgusting.
36:42Oh, my God, are you not at the flat?
36:44What?
36:45Where are you?
36:46I'm in Derek's car.
36:47We're going to the Red Lion.
36:49Which Red Lion?
36:50We'll drop you a pin.
36:51Do join us, Gemma.
36:52Oh, fucking you.
36:53Sorry.
36:54Don't apologise.
36:57Oi, Rita.
36:58Are you coming or what?
37:00Oh, get me a Bacardi and Coke and I'll catch you up.
37:04Hey.
37:05Don't touch my hair, Nata.
37:07Yes, Mummy.
37:10Give me that bag.
37:25Yeah, I can explain.
37:26It's so painful.
37:37Okay.
37:38So, here's the plan.
37:39No, there is no plan.
37:40Okay.
37:40I need to express this incredibly painful milk and pour it down the sink because it's probably
37:4430% Chardonnay and then I'm taking my baby home.
37:46Okay?
37:47Disabled toilets?
37:48At least you get your own sink.
37:49Why are you so spiteful?
37:50You can't just give me two fucking minutes to go find my ex-wife, bring her over and introduce
37:54you as my hot new girlfriend, can you?
37:56Have you lost your fucking mind?
37:57Gemma, everyone says we'd make a great couple.
38:00Malcolm says it all the time.
38:02Would it hurt just to play along?
38:04I mean, Debs is a real bitch, apparently.
38:07Derek, you need it.
38:12You invited me?
38:13Yeah, of course I did.
38:14Ages ago.
38:16But did you not get it?
38:17Andy's been eating the mail.
38:19Who the fuck do you two hang around with?
38:22Me and the kids have been a bit worried about you.
38:23I'm fine.
38:26Oh.
38:27Hello.
38:29Oh, who's this gorgeous little thing?
38:31Sadie.
38:32She is my new daughter.
38:34Oh, we're not doing that, are we?
38:35Mm-hmm.
38:35And this is her mother, my beautiful fiancée, Cherry, who is also really fucking hot and
38:40not a total harpy.
38:42Fiancée?
38:43I don't fucking dare.
38:44And this is my bodyguard, Malcolm.
38:48Kevin Coaster.
38:49Malcolm Kevin Coaster.
38:51Okay.
38:52Well, it's an improvement on last time we saw you, eh?
38:59See that?
39:00Total fucking bitch.
39:01She sings really nice.
39:05Are you sure she's a bitch, mate?
39:09She's wonderful.
39:11She's the love of my life and I messed it up, Malcolm.
39:13There you go, mate.
39:13There you go.
39:14Come on.
39:15What?
39:16You know what to do, don't you?
39:17Yeah.
39:18Yeah.
39:26Hello.
39:28So much for a fun night, Al.
39:29It's been pretty shit.
39:32Did you ever miss your life before the twins?
39:34Oh, God.
39:35I did at first.
39:36When you're in the thick of it, you're thinking, what have I done?
39:38Why two at the same time?
39:40That's not.
39:41I'm going to leave the one that does not stop crying under a bush.
39:43But when you realise you're their entire universe, there is no going back to your own life.
39:54More importantly, you don't want her.
40:00Thanks.
40:00If it helps, I really like you, Gemma.
40:06And Sadie fucking adores her.
40:12Oh, God.
40:18Oh, my God.
40:20Dad!
40:20No, it's okay.
40:24It's fine.
40:25Look.
40:26They're not made out of plastic.
40:31Want to like it before the police turn up?
40:33Yeah.
40:35Come on.
40:36Sorry, Debs.
40:37Fuck you, Marcus.
40:38Fuck you, Marcus.
40:38Fuck you.
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