- 8 hours ago
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00:00Try and keep him up here.
00:08And that.
00:20Sadie.
00:22I'm getting out.
00:27Go away.
00:31Not a fan of the squishy banana then?
00:37Sadie.
00:55You look like you could do with a break.
00:57I had a lovely rest when I had that filling done last month, so I'm all good.
01:01Well, I've got a surprise for you.
01:05Have you booked me in for a root canal?
01:07The three of us are going away for the weekend.
01:11Dad!
01:12God's sake!
01:16Who is this? What do you want?
01:18Gem!
01:19Grandad Jackie!
01:20You still living in that little flat? Ground floor?
01:24Yeah, why?
01:29Gemma!
01:30Grandad.
01:32Dad?
01:33Oh, Malcolm.
01:35Are you going away, son?
01:36Finally made your way through all the women in the Costa Brava?
01:39I'm on the run from the Spanish Mafia after getting myself mixed up in a casino heist.
01:44I wanted to see my beautiful great granddaughter.
01:47Yes, I did.
01:49Yes, I did.
01:50Yes, I did.
01:51Dad, I think I'm just going to move these boxes because I don't want them falling on Sadie.
01:54You know, is that alright with you?
01:56Don't be so bloody wet, Malcolm.
01:57I need to keep them here because there's no room in that tiny little wank pad I'm renting.
02:02Oh, well, you can borrow the flat when we go away.
02:05Oh, what?
02:06We're just, you know, just having a bit of a break.
02:09Where are we going?
02:10No, there's not a lot of room, Dad, you know, so I just...
02:15Sorry.
02:19I'll be fine on me own.
02:22Could you just give me my bag? I need my pills.
02:26Where are you going, Grandad?
02:29Thanks.
02:31Is it really such a bad idea, him coming with us?
02:33Yes, it's the worst idea you've ever had.
02:35OK, OK, I'll just, I'll think about it, alright?
02:41No, that tea's stone cold.
02:43Hey, let me get you some water, Dad.
02:44Water's disgusting, Malky.
02:46I'm not wasting the last years of my life drinking water.
02:49Grandad, water's not disgusting, it doesn't taste of anything, it's water.
02:53Disgusting.
02:55Same for dinner?
02:56Depends who's cooking.
02:59Mrs Malky?
03:01No chance.
03:02Hey, Dad actually makes really normal food these days.
03:05I could rattle up a spanakopita.
03:07I don't know what the fuck that is, Malcolm, but I am not eating it.
03:15So, what's the deal with the boxes?
03:18It's a new business venture.
03:20Europe's old news.
03:21I'm exploring the UK market once again.
03:24Actually, I was wondering if you might like to come in on this one, Malky.
03:28I've always thought we'd make great business partners.
03:31Me?
03:34You?
03:35I could be interested.
03:36Dad, you don't even know what it is.
03:37What does matter, does it?
03:39What is it?
03:41It's an energy drink for ladies called shoes.
03:46Why is it called shoes?
03:48Ladies like shoes, don't they?
03:50You see, you buy all these cans from me, becoming a key member of my sales team,
03:53and you sell them on again at a profit, and I get some of your money,
03:57and you get paid by your sales team when they sell them on again.
04:01Wouldn't it be easier just to sell it to a shop?
04:03No. No, Malcolm, never.
04:05You must never, ever sell them to a shop.
04:07Oh, okay, yeah.
04:08You sell them to someone else, and they sell them to someone else,
04:12and that's how we get paid.
04:13So it's a pyramid scheme.
04:14Shh, I'm about to reel him in.
04:17Well, how much you need?
04:19Dad?
04:20No.
04:22And you?
04:27He said he's here to see Sadie, but I know there's another reason.
04:30Do you think he, er, killed someone?
04:37No, he's not you.
04:39It'll be about a woman.
04:40Or a business deal.
04:41Or both.
04:43You think he hasn't paid up on an indecent proposal?
04:46I bet he owes a gangster 5,000 quid for shagging his wife.
04:51Hey, get him to visit me.
04:54Grandad was always my favourite.
04:55Of course he was.
04:57He's a con man.
04:58As the only other criminal in the family, I can see why you guys have a lot in common.
05:01Hey, I bet Dad's not happy, though, is he?
05:03No.
05:05He locked himself in the loo for two hours the other day,
05:07after Grandad smeared baby food on the back of his trousers,
05:09then told next door that he'd shit his pants.
05:12Aw, that's hilarious.
05:14Dad's booked us a holiday, though.
05:15It's really sweet.
05:17I bet it's the caravan park.
05:19It won't be the caravan park.
05:21You and Catherine used to love coming here when you were kids.
05:24Mm-hmm.
05:25And Grandad brought me and Jess once, yeah,
05:27with his friend Lorraine from the Buc-ee's.
05:30And his sister.
05:34Look at that view.
05:37Name me a hotel anywhere in the world with a better view than this.
05:41There isn't one.
05:42There isn't one.
05:44If we had the weather, this place would be full of fucking Ruskies.
05:49Right, let's have a look at the luxury accommodation you've booked.
05:52OK.
05:53There's something died in here.
05:55Oh, it just needs a bit of air in, doesn't it, eh?
05:56Crack a window open.
05:57Here we go.
05:58Here, let's see.
05:59Here, let's see.
06:00Here, let's see.
06:01Oh, God, maybe not that one.
06:02Oh, God, maybe not that one.
06:03So, I thought Sadie and Gemma could have the master bedroom, eh?
06:04Master?
06:05Yeah, it's in here, look.
06:06And Dad.
06:07You and me are in here.
06:08You and me, are in here?
06:10Absolutely.
06:11Oh, God, maybe not that one.
06:13So, I thought Sadie and Gemma could have the master bedroom?
06:16Master?
06:17Needs a bit of air in, doesn't it, eh?
06:18Crack a window open.
06:20Here we go.
06:22Oh, God, maybe not that one.
06:25So I thought Sadie and Gemma could have the master bedroom.
06:30Master?
06:31Yeah, it's in here, look.
06:34And Dad, you and me are in here.
06:39Yeah, be all right.
06:41Yeah, it's cosy, isn't it?
06:42Oh, lovely work, Malky.
06:44Look, bigger on the website, but...
06:47one knife,
06:50one frying pan,
06:52and no tin opener.
06:54Sorry.
06:55Oh, no, Dad, it's brilliant.
06:57Yeah, it's Sadie's first holiday.
06:59It's your first holiday, Sadie.
07:01First holiday with Grandad, is it?
07:03Yes?
07:03Oh, okay.
07:05Give it a hug.
07:06You go change your top.
07:08Yeah, the thing is, you know,
07:10there wasn't enough room in the car once we got all Sadie's stuff in,
07:13so I didn't pack a case, you know,
07:14I haven't got a change of clothes.
07:16Nothing.
07:16Not even pants.
07:17Yeah, I've got pants, obviously.
07:20Poor pants.
07:21Got socks.
07:22And I've got my toothbrush, look.
07:23I just need to remember to scrub my smalls in the morning.
07:26Not with a toothbrush, though, eh?
07:28Come on, Dad.
07:29Okay, I'll put tea on, shall I?
07:31And...
07:32Egg on toast?
07:33Yeah.
07:34Nope.
07:35Egg on egg?
07:36Oh, look, I'll tell you what,
07:37why don't we, er...
07:38why don't we go to the restaurant, eh?
07:40Yeah, look, it says here that it, er...
07:42often serves food.
07:46Oof.
07:50Oof.
07:58Don't, don't make eye contact.
07:59Well, it smells good, doesn't it?
08:01This place is buzzy.
08:04My God, what are they cleaning these tables with?
08:06Ribena?
08:09This one's good.
08:10Okay.
08:11Ooh, right.
08:16Well.
08:19Are you ready to order?
08:22Yeah, should we just do three fish and chips
08:23and I'll have a coat?
08:24Oh, yeah, me too, thanks.
08:26May also, with two double whiskies
08:28poured right on in.
08:33What do you think of her, Malky?
08:34Eh?
08:36Oh, she seemed courteous and efficient.
08:38Hmm.
08:38No, that was suspiciously quick.
08:46Erm, may I inquire as to what is this?
08:50A plum.
08:51A what?
08:52A plum.
08:53It's a type of fruit.
08:54Yeah, we know what a plum is.
08:55Why is it on the same plate as fish and chips?
08:57Do you want me to get the cook out here?
08:59Because she's just spent the last hour crying
09:01and this will just finish her off.
09:04Is she as feisty as you?
09:05Hmm.
09:05That's for you, charmer.
09:21Dad, time to say goodnight.
09:28Hey, this is us.
09:29Yeah, I'll be staying somewhere else tonight, son.
09:31Give you some space.
09:32She snuck the shag wagon keys out of reception.
09:36Eh?
09:36Come on.
09:37Right next door.
09:39Andy.
09:40I hope these are soundproof.
09:42Oh, Jackie.
09:44Oh, Jackie.
09:46Jackie.
09:47Oh, Christ.
09:49Oh, Christ.
09:49Oh, Jackie.
09:51Oh, Jackie.
09:53Oh, Jackie.
09:55Oh, Jackie.
09:57Oh, Jackie.
09:58Oh, Jackie.
09:59Oh, Jackie.
10:00Oh, Jackie.
10:01Well, you fucking kids stop pissing in the kitchen sink while your dad's in the shower.
10:07If you can't hold it, do it out the door.
10:13Sleep okay?
10:14Yeah.
10:16Yeah, you know.
10:18Eventually.
10:19He can go a long time.
10:20Yeah, yeah.
10:21He's got a condition.
10:23He tried to tell me about it once, but I just blocked it out.
10:26Before he gets back, do you think you should speak to him?
10:28Oh.
10:28Oh.
10:29About how mean he is to you.
10:31Oh, no, no, we don't need to do that.
10:33You're having a good time, aren't you, love?
10:35Brilliant.
10:38What?
10:39The holiday's a disaster.
10:40Gemma rates it.
10:41Yeah, of course she does.
10:42It's off-season at a caravan park, Malcolm.
10:44Yeah, well, I need you here to make it fun, don't I?
10:46Please.
10:47Is there an arcade?
10:48Yeah, yeah, there's an arcade.
10:49Definitely not coming.
10:50I can't do arcades.
10:51Well, I don't think you have to go to the arcade if you don't want to.
10:54Although, granted, I've not read the whole park rulebook.
10:56No.
10:57Oh!
10:58God!
10:59So when are you going to boot the useless dickhead out of your flat?
11:04What?
11:05Well, a beautiful, smart young woman like you, whole world her oyster, shouldn't be shacked
11:12up with her old man.
11:13Yeah, well, I've got a baby.
11:17Just don't let that become an excuse.
11:19Old Pedalo trips off, I'm afraid, Seward spillage, but I have found a shop that sells only
11:26purple items.
11:27No.
11:28Eh?
11:29Well, how about this?
11:30The Fabulous Coaster Museum.
11:31I think I'll take Sadie to the soft play.
11:33Okay.
11:34I think I'm going to go and watch some snooker in the clubhouse.
11:37Good idea.
11:38Oh, listen.
11:39If, you know, thingy comes knocking, just tell her I've had a change of heart.
11:43She'll accept it from you if you've got very feminine energy.
11:50Seedy!
11:51Mummy's just over here, okay, Seedy?
11:54Mwah!
11:55Mwah!
11:56It's meant to be freezing all weekend.
12:01That go for this place, eh?
12:03No.
12:04I don't think they've updated it since the 90s.
12:07Who the fuck is McHammer?
12:08You know, they still end the talent show with everyone singing No Limits.
12:12And even that was a dated reference when I was little.
12:14Oh, my God.
12:15You came here as a kid, too?
12:16Mm.
12:17It was miserable.
12:18Shammy.
12:19I mean, Gemma, my dad booked this.
12:21I honestly think he has Stockholm Syndrome.
12:23He truly remembers us having a great time.
12:25Yeah.
12:26My mum loves this place, especially the talent show.
12:29God, I wanted one of those talent show trophies so much when I was little.
12:32Well, I can't imagine you would have had much composition.
12:34What was your talent?
12:35Oh, no.
12:36I didn't want to win it.
12:37I just wanted it.
12:38For doing nothing?
12:39Yeah.
12:40I was a woman.
12:41Here, Sadie.
12:42Up we go.
12:43Home sweet home.
12:44Oh, God.
12:45Don't worry, Gemma.
12:46I've come to save you from this fucking dreadful holiday.
12:49That expose us a gift.
12:50Well, thank you, but you cannot stay here.
12:51Obviously you don't want to.
12:52Malcolm stinks of baby sick and wet socks.
12:53Oh, yes to both of those.
12:54You've got to admit, you've got a great nose.
12:55Did you manage to go and pick me up some clean clothes?
12:56I'm not your fucking handmaiden, Malcolm.
12:57Alright.
12:58Yep.
12:59Because there's nothing else to do.
13:00I thought that we could get Sadie addicted to the slotties nice and early.
13:03I told you, I don't do arcades.
13:04Oh, yeah, he doesn't do arcades.
13:05Why?
13:06Is it the lights?
13:07The noises?
13:08The eroticism?
13:09The eroticism?
13:10The grabbers.
13:11No.
13:12No.
13:13No.
13:14No.
13:15No.
13:16No.
13:17No.
13:18No.
13:19Malcolm, you've got about 30 seconds to knock me out, mate.
13:20Oh, I'm not going to do that, am I?
13:21Oh, then you can only hold yourself to blame for what's about to happen.
13:23Oh, no.
13:24No.
13:25No.
13:26No.
13:27No.
13:28No.
13:29No.
13:30No.
13:31No.
13:32No.
13:33No.
13:34No.
13:35No.
13:36No.
13:37No.
13:38No.
13:39No.
13:40No.
13:41No.
13:42No.
13:43No.
13:44No.
13:45No.
13:46No.
13:47No.
13:48No.
13:49No.
13:50No.
13:51No.
13:52No.
13:53No.
13:54No.
13:55No.
13:56No.
13:57No.
13:58No.
13:59No.
14:00No.
14:01No.
14:02No.
14:03No.
14:04No.
14:05No.
14:06No.
14:07No.
14:08We've got 15 toys now, so I think that's enough. Arguably too many.
14:11Why are we watching this jackass playing on the grabber?
14:13Oh, Dad, this is Derek. He's my friend.
14:15Best friend?
14:16Yeah, best friend.
14:17Yeah, fuck you, platypus. Fuck you. Right back into the egg from which you were hatched.
14:23Derek, I've got an investment opportunity that is targeted at the sophisticated gentleman.
14:28Mark's not interested, then.
14:30I'm looking for five smart chaps to come on the sales team for my new energy drink for ladies.
14:35Granddad, no.
14:36Well, he's obviously a moron.
14:37Hey.
14:38Oh, sorry, it's all about you, Mummy.
14:40Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
14:42You're all making me lose concentration.
14:44Oh, I've got a surprise for you, though. Like, turn this holiday around.
14:48What is it?
14:49I've entered you for the talent contest.
14:51Dad, why?
14:52Well, because you always wanted one of those little trophies they give out, didn't you?
14:55Yeah, I wanted one, but I didn't want to have to do anything to get it.
14:57Come on, Gem. Hey, it might be fun. Hey.
15:00Fucking 17.
15:0118.
15:02Calm down.
15:04Has anyone got a pound?
15:05No.
15:06Has anybody got a pound?
15:13Hey, I've been looking for you. Are you all right?
15:15Hey, mate.
15:16Have you been here all night? I thought they closed at 11?
15:19They do. I've just hidden that tiny children's bus over there. Just, um, watching the grabbers.
15:26Strategising. Until they came and turned the power back on.
15:31It's probably enough now, eh? Look, you've got loads.
15:35I do this all the time on family holidays.
15:38Kids thought I was amazing, you know, winning them so many toys.
15:40Yeah.
15:41And then they got a little bit older and realised it was probably symptomatic of a mental illness.
15:44Right.
15:45I don't even know why I bother with these. What's the point for someone who can't walk?
15:57Oh, God, sorry.
16:00It's fine.
16:04I, too, love taking my boots off and vomiting them.
16:06Usually after a bottle of red, though.
16:09Oh, God.
16:12You dream of that holiday in the boutique hotel with the spa and the Egyptian cotton sheets.
16:19Life hands you a caravan park with sticky tables and a vaping bunny.
16:24Hmm.
16:25My dad sent me for the talent show.
16:27Oh, my God, that's so extra.
16:29Mm-hmm.
16:30I was wondering, do you want to do something together?
16:33I would love that.
16:36No line dancing.
16:37Obviously no line dancing.
16:39I just don't know how to help them, you know.
16:43Well, lucky for you, son, I have a solution.
16:46Meet the lovely Rosetta.
16:48Well, do you two know each other?
16:50We became acquainted recently.
16:51Oh, God.
16:52Do you want my help or not?
16:54Yeah.
16:55It's my friend.
16:56He's addicted, so...
17:01What the fuck, Malcolm?
17:03You got me tasered!
17:04I'm sorry.
17:05It can be quite pleasant if you hit the right spot.
17:08I bought it under our web using bitcoins.
17:09Yeah, it fucking hurts, you psycho!
17:19Oh, my God!
17:20What have you done?
17:27I think it worked.
17:29You're joking.
17:32Thanks, Jackie.
17:33My pleasure.
17:34Hi.
17:35May I?
17:36All right.
17:39Ooh!
17:40Ooh!
17:42Ooh!
17:43Ooh!
17:44Ah!
17:49That's the last one sold to another idiot.
17:53Now I've just got to wait for the cash to roll in.
17:56My little Gemma, starring the show.
17:58Run, Dad.
17:59We're just doing a duet.
18:00It's nothing amazing.
18:02Everything you do is amazing, Gemma.
18:04And I don't want you ever forgetting that.
18:07Or letting anyone hold you back.
18:09Gotta go.
18:10Charmaine's waiting.
18:12Bye, baby.
18:14Ooh!
18:15What's that dick pills?
18:16You need something?
18:17Not me, mate.
18:18That's like a stick of rock.
18:19Long, thin and brittle.
18:21I've had many addictions in my time.
18:25And I've beaten them all.
18:27Hoes, fags, cars.
18:29You still do all of them?
18:30Yes, but I'm not addicted to them, Malcolm.
18:32I've learnt to control them.
18:34You know, I've never been addicted to anything.
18:36Of course you haven't, son.
18:37You're too cautious.
18:38Too afraid of the world.
18:40Just like your mother.
18:42See, I thought, with Malcolm getting rid of the shrew,
18:44it would free him up to grab life by the bollocks.
18:47Allow him to sow his wild oats.
18:49My oats are alright where they are, thank you.
18:50But instead, he's up to his arse in nappies
18:52and letting babies use him as a sick bucket.
18:54I don't let her, do I?
18:55You are a disappointment, son.
18:57And I'm only telling you,
18:58because it's better you know it now,
19:00while he can do something about it.
19:07And don't make that noise.
19:09He was doing that when he was five.
19:13Cheers.
19:14Cheers.
19:18Hi.
19:20You know, as much as this has been a truly terrible holiday,
19:22I am really glad I met you.
19:25Me too.
19:27This might seem really, I don't know, forward.
19:31You asking me out?
19:32No, you're not my type, babe.
19:34I've never been remotely funny-curious, unfortunately.
19:36No, I wondered if you've ever heard
19:39of this energy drink for ladies called Shoes.
19:43Because I have got an amazing investment opportunity for you.
19:47Oh, you mean you're looking for the next idiot to sell to.
19:50Gemma?
19:52He's a con man.
19:55Hi.
19:59Are you excited?
20:00I'm going to bed.
20:01What? You can't go to bed.
20:02I can.
20:03What are you doing?
20:04Next up we have Gemma and Sean.
20:06Where are you going?
20:07Couldn't help yourself, could you?
20:10No.
20:11Gemma.
20:12Next on the list.
20:13No, I'll have a go.
20:16Do you have a talent?
20:18No.
20:19No.
20:20Hey.
20:21I might do.
20:22Malcolm, Malcolm.
20:23This is going to be fucking hilarious.
20:34Whoah, yes.
20:35Make some noise.
20:52Whoa, yes, make some noise
21:00We have one to beat, girls and boys
21:04Yes, Malcolm
21:08Fantastic
21:08Next up, we have nine-year-old Lin Lee
21:12That's good
21:12Yeah
21:16Fuck off
21:21You all right, love?
21:47Mm-hmm
21:50I guess it wasn't the best idea
21:53coming on holiday with a small baby, was it?
21:55To be honest, it is harder than just being at home
21:58Yeah
21:59I've got something for you
22:03What?
22:06Dad, did you win?
22:09No, no, I had to bribe a small boy
22:11and to end it over
22:12How much?
22:14Three bin bags full of cuddly toys from the grabbers
22:16Hand it over then
22:18Well, better wash my socks if I'm getting off, eh?
22:25God
22:25I'm not saying that I definitely don't want to go back to the salon
22:32but I have been dabbling with better paid other employment
22:36Dabbling?
22:37I've applied for 30 jobs
22:38Save some for the rest of us, Jesus
22:40Babe, I haven't got one interview
22:42Why does nobody want me?
22:44But what qualifications do you have, Miss Mossgrave?
22:46Well, why the ones you get free from school?
22:49Oh, how common?
22:51Excuse me, excuse me
22:52Sorry
22:53Oh my God
22:57You look amazing
22:58Should I look amazing?
22:59I've been saving Rhyme Time a rocket until it was really needed
23:02Excuse me, we're on the list
23:03Excuse me, excuse me, we're on the list
23:05Hiya
23:05Name?
23:08Oh, Terry Lewis and Gemma Mossgrave
23:10And you actually have a baby with you
23:11Otherwise
23:11That baby belongs to both of us
23:15We are very much in love
23:17Don't make me report you to the Equality and Human Rights Commission
23:21Me and the EHRC are like that
23:24Have a lovely Rhyme Time
23:31Thank you
23:32Rocky's been at this library every week for the past eight years
23:35He's an institution
23:37This has been quite the build-up
23:39That
23:41That
23:41Is Rocky
23:43Whoa
23:49Ah, well
23:50There's always tomorrow
23:52So
23:57To end the session
23:59We're gonna hold our babies tight
24:02We're gonna tell them we love them
24:05I love you
24:06I love you
24:07Namaste
24:09Right, can I have my baby back now?
24:13Oh, Sos
24:13Me and you
24:15Rocky's captivating, isn't it?
24:17Yeah, he is very nice to look at
24:20But I'm not sure it was entirely necessary for him to be topless during Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
24:25Skin on skin contact is essential for babies, Gemma
24:27Yeah, he didn't have a baby with him
24:30He's coming over
24:32Oh my God, what do I look like?
24:34Give me the baby, give me the baby
24:35No, you take the baby
24:35No, I'll take the baby
24:36No, you take the baby
24:37Shh
24:37Hi
24:38Hi
24:38I used to bring my twins to all your sessions
24:41But they've started school now, so I can't bring them anymore
24:44Little bastards
24:46Aww
24:47I love babies, me
24:49Oh
24:50Yeah, and I love women
24:51Who carry babies
24:53There's something about the female body after childbirth that
24:56I just find
24:58Intoxicating
25:01Oh my God
25:09I know
25:10I love him
25:11I baked you these
25:14It's from a Paul Hollywood recipe, you know, not one by a woman
25:18Yeah, I'll try one later
25:19So, Malky, are you busy on Friday?
25:22Evening
25:22No
25:23How do you know?
25:24Malcolm, the day you have Friday night plans is the day I can finally hold my umbrella up
25:29Float off into the sky to find some other pathetic loser to teach him the ways of being a great bloke
25:34Okay, fair enough
25:35Friday morning, early
25:37Oh, I'm not sneaking you out of a hotel without paying again
25:39Took days last time for my anxious tummy to recover
25:42The Jag needs a service, and the only place I trust with her is a 50-minute drive into the Peak District
25:48I thought you might like to tag along
25:50Can I think about it?
25:52Nope, doesn't need to, we're in
25:53Great
25:54We should have done something like this years ago, Malky
25:57Me and you, the open road, your pet pillock in the back
26:01Can I have a word?
26:16Yeah
26:17I just, I can't stop thinking about you
26:19We met three minutes ago
26:21You're trying to tell me you haven't had half the mums in here
26:25No, I never mix business with pleasure
26:27And you
26:29Are all
26:31Business
26:32You see
26:34Only the ripest ladies make their way to Rocky's bed
26:37How ripe am I, exactly?
26:40You know when a banana's gone really, really brown
26:42Mm-hmm
26:42That
26:43Ripe
26:45So, can I get your number?
26:51Mm-hmm
26:52Rocky
26:53Mm-hmm
26:54She is your baby
26:57I don't know why you keep pretending she's not
27:01You're going to throw us out on the street again
27:04What do you expect us to do, Rocky?
27:07You're her dad
27:08I
27:09Rocky
27:11You said you loved me, Rocky
27:13I don't know, I don't know this woman
27:15What?
27:19So, I've just checked my schedule
27:21And the Peak District is a go-go
27:23You know what this means, don't you?
27:26Lads on tour
27:27Lads on tour
27:29Malcolm in the back
27:31Derek in the front
27:32No, I should be in the front
27:33Shut the fuck up
27:34Alpha's in the front
27:35Beta's in the back
27:37We don't like Sigmas
27:38They go in the boot
27:40Oh, come on, cheer up, Malcolm
27:42We're getting to spend time with your awesome dad
27:45Look at him
27:45He's so cool
27:47He's not, though, is he?
27:49He fucking is
27:49I think I'm in love with him
27:51I'd probably kiss him if he asked me
27:52He's a con man
27:53And a womanizer
27:55Well, someone lobbed that apple
27:56Very far from the tree, didn't they?
27:59Alright, so he was a bit of a dick
28:01In the past
28:02But it feels like this road trip
28:03Is his way of trying to reconnect with you
28:04You know, like a bit of father-son bonding
28:06You think so?
28:08Definitely, mate
28:08So why are you coming?
28:11Because it's a really cool fucking car, Malcolm
28:13I want to ride in a really cool car
28:15Jesus
28:16My God, it was a joke
28:19You humiliated Rocky
28:22It's all the libraries never going back after what you just did
28:25He's a creep who charges 15 quid to sing at babies
28:28And takes his top off
28:29Yeah
28:30You're telling me you really enjoy all that namaste shit
28:32I do, actually
28:33Loads of the mums do
28:35God, you are so judgmental
28:38And you are overreacting
28:40Thank God, what's going on with you?
28:45Lance was filed for a divorce
28:46Beep
28:48Means he's never coming back
28:51Do you want him back?
28:54Well, I didn't want to be a divorced mum of two at 25
28:56Widowed
28:57Fine
28:58Fine
28:58I'm so sorry
29:01I just wanted to get dressed up and have fun
29:04And watch a man get his nips out
29:06But you've ruined that because Rocky's never going back again
29:09How can I fix this?
29:13Work it out for yourself
29:14Oh, look at that for you, eh?
29:22Makes you glad to be alive, doesn't it, Dan?
29:24Malcolm
29:25Shut up
29:26Why did you need me so urgently?
29:29Is this about your appeal?
29:30No
29:30I've decided
29:33I'm going to have one of them
29:36No, right, listen
29:39They've got a really cushy mother and baby unit here
29:42I'm talking
29:43Single occupancy cell
29:45On suite
29:46No bars
29:48Mother flipping her game
29:49Hmm
29:50And how are you going to get pregnant in prison?
29:53You're assuming that none of the women in here have penises
29:56Okay, JK Rowling
29:58Okay, fair enough
30:00Wait, no, that's still a terrible idea
30:03No matter whose penis it is
30:04Gemma
30:05I'm going to have a baby with Gary
30:08We've rekindled our relationship
30:11God, you paid someone to push him off a fire escape
30:15Yes, I did
30:17And it is amazing what that kind of experience can do for a person
30:21Yet he is much less pathetic, boring and needy
30:25Gary is great now
30:27He is actually quite hot
30:30Right, well, good for you
30:32Thanks
30:32And where do you plan on, you know?
30:35Well, this is where I need you to come up with a plan
30:37To get me some day release
30:39And how am I going to do that?
30:41I was actually thinking
30:42Maybe
30:42You could have
30:44A pretend wedding
30:46No
30:47I've got it
30:48Fake funeral
30:49You're an idiot
30:52Well, I'm not the reason that Rocky had to quit rhyme time
30:56How the hell do you know about that?
30:57I told you
30:58I've been hanging out with the mums
31:01And those bitches talk
31:03Jackie Mosgrin
31:08Heard you're back in town
31:11What?
31:13The doctor's taking another look under your body
31:15Just visiting
31:16With these two morons
31:18Don't you worry about this pupil
31:20Yeah, she'll be purring like a kitten
31:23By the time I've had my way with her
31:24Definitely going to rub his knob on the car
31:27Right, lads
31:28Time for some fun
31:29It's up to you
31:31To get us back to Stockport
31:32While the Jag's in the garage
31:33We can do that
31:34No problem, Dad
31:35Can I borrow a hammer?
31:37Easy
31:38Just call an Uber
31:38What the fuck, Jackie?
31:47I'm on sim only
31:48Phone?
31:49Obviously, don't give him your phone, Malcolm
31:51You're not going to smash it, are you, Dad?
31:52Don't you trust me, son?
32:01I knew you'd do that
32:02Right
32:03I want you two to get us back home
32:05Using your smarts
32:07Your ingenuity
32:08Your survival skills
32:10We haven't got any of them
32:11No phones
32:12Phones have infantilised us
32:14Real men don't need phones
32:16All of my bank cards are on my phone, you fucking maniac
32:19Yeah, and he pays for everything
32:20So I didn't bring any money
32:22Was this your plan all along, eh?
32:24To keep us stranded on the peaks
32:25Your grandad once left me at the top of Scaffold Pike
32:28With nothing but a compass
32:29Three shilling
32:30And some woodbines
32:31And that was the making of me
32:34Yeah, the making of you into a massive arsehole
32:38Am I right, King?
32:39No
32:39No, this is good
32:41I can prove myself to him
32:43Come on, we can do this
32:45Oh, get that, will you, Gemma?
33:07It's tight
33:08I'm on maternity leave
33:10I'm not asking you to pick it up with your fanny, please
33:12Oh, I just wish that my best ever salon girlie might come back to work
33:18Maybe a few weeks early
33:20Don't let her rush you, Gemma, love
33:21That baby will be a middle-aged woman throwing bricks through windows before you know it
33:26How is your Margaret?
33:28Oh, the antletag's made a world of difference
33:31How's my little cherub doing?
33:32Yeah, she's okay
33:33She's had a bit of a cold this week, but she's perking up now
33:36No, I meant Malcolm
33:37Oh, he's in the Peak District with Grandad, which is why I need you to look after Sadie for me
33:41Oh, no, I hope he's okay
33:43He needs to be very careful in the Peak District
33:45Oh, there's no ice? I checked before they went
33:47Not ice
33:48I once saw a roadkill monkey whilst driving through the Peak District
33:51And I've found the whole area deeply unsettling ever since
33:54A roadkill monkey?
33:56Yeah, it's obviously escaped from one of the science labs
33:58Who knows what experiments have been done to it
34:00What things it had seen
34:02What intelligence it possessed
34:04I mean, it might have been trying to get help
34:06Oh
34:06Yeah
34:08I often think about that little monkey
34:11Okay, be back in an hour
34:14Where?
34:14Do not touch my baby's hair
34:17I'll spell that
34:20Maybe
34:25Maybe we should get a map or something, eh?
34:28Show them that we're making an effort
34:29You make loads of effort, Malcolm
34:31You clean his flat once a week
34:32You cook
34:33You do his laundry
34:34And you mainly do this
34:35While he is out shagging
34:37Are you all right, Dad?
34:39Maybe we should just use your mobile, eh?
34:42And vote for a taxi
34:42Are you giving up already, son?
34:44I left my phone at home
34:46And I haven't got any cash on me
34:48We have been walking for an hour
34:50We're totally fucking lost
34:51And Malcolm is missing a boot
34:53Yeah, well, I had to throw something to distract that ball, didn't I?
34:59Maps
34:59They've got maps
35:01Wait, it's shut
35:02Why is it shut?
35:02Why is it fucking shut?
35:03It's not even lunchtime
35:04It's not even lunchtime!
35:05Open up, you lazy, work, shy country bunkie
35:08Hey, this one's open
35:09Oh
35:10Morning
35:15Hello
35:18We're looking for a map
35:21Oh, yes, we've got lots of maps
35:23What area do you want?
35:24Um, this area that we're currently and presently located in
35:27Aye, a bit lost, are you?
35:29Why the fuck would we need a map if we weren't lost?
35:32Well, most people buy a map
35:33Before they get lost
35:34There you go
35:38Thank you
35:39Do you know how to read a map?
35:42I'm 35, Malcolm
35:43I've literally never used a map in my entire life
35:44You're 35?
35:45Do you know how to read a map?
35:48Davina read all the maps in our house
35:50We don't know how to read a map
35:52The art of map reading is a long-forgotten skill
35:55Mmm, you don't fucking say
35:56Can Jackie read maps?
35:57Yes, he can
35:58He can do anything, can't he?
35:59Cash your card
36:00Ooh, good
36:01Questione
36:02Cash or
36:04Run, Malcolm, run!
36:06I'm sorry
36:07Run, Dad, run!
36:24Yes?
36:26Hiya, is Rocky in?
36:27Ricky
36:28No, he's not
36:30He's at the doctor's having his anal fistulas looked at
36:33You and his girlfriend?
36:34No
36:35In that case, do come in
36:37I'm Sue, his mum, my heart
36:40Hi, Sue
36:41Hiya
36:41So many girls come calling for my Ricky
36:44Fistulas are my way of testing him
36:47Oh, so he doesn't have them?
36:49Yeah, he does, yeah
36:50He's got loads of them, loads of them
36:5270% fistula
36:53Ouch
36:54And he's not very fond of babies if you were thinking of having one with him
36:58Well, his whole brand is Guy Who Loves Kids
37:01He doesn't
37:02Hates them
37:03Right
37:04And he's gay, actually
37:06What, go near a vulva?
37:08As much as I've tried to convince him
37:10Mommy!
37:11Mom!
37:11I've hurt my finger on the door again
37:13Oh, darling
37:14It's just there
37:14Thank you
37:15What do you want?
37:19How did you find me a dress?
37:20Paid someone at the library
37:22They don't give a shit about GDPR
37:24And I brought you this
37:25There's protein bars in there
37:27I mean, I don't know what you like
37:28But assumed
37:29Oh, well, I'll leave it to it
37:32Yeah
37:33She seems lovely
37:35Well?
37:41I came to apologise
37:42Yeah
37:43You were way out of line
37:45You were being sleazy
37:46I wasn't being sleazy
37:48I was being poetic
37:49Romantic?
37:52Neither of those, I'm afraid
37:54But I could have just said no
37:56Please come back to the library
37:59They all love you there
38:02Did they say that?
38:06That they love me?
38:08Yeah
38:08Who said that?
38:12Everyone
38:12Okay
38:16I suppose you think I'm pathetic
38:19Living with my mother
38:20No
38:22I live with my dad
38:23Not forever, though
38:25No, I'm not forever
38:26I bet he doesn't lie about you
38:29Having anal fistulas
38:30So that you never find a partner
38:31And leave him
38:32Does he do that?
38:35No
38:35He does not do that
38:37Can I have three singles to the nearest town, please?
38:59You need to download the app
39:00Oh my fucking God, no
39:03It's a cashless system
39:04What would Bear Grylls do if he had to get the bus?
39:07Bear Grylls doesn't get the fucking bus, Jackie
39:09He'd pay with snails
39:11Oh my God
39:11Wouldn't he gonna pay with snails?
39:13How about you just take this and then
39:15Whatever's left you can have it for yourself
39:17Would you steal it?
39:19No
39:21Okay
39:23Okay
39:24Okay
39:25Okay
39:26Thanks
39:26Here you go, eh?
39:28Here
39:29How long does it take?
39:32Oh, this is a stoppage service
39:33They're in about two hours
39:34Oh, no
39:35Fucking no
39:37I'm really hungry
39:40Actually, son, I've got some berries in my pocket
39:44Only the berries, Malcolm
39:46Oh, if Malcolm ate the berries
39:48And the driver would have to call an ambulance
39:50And that would take us back to Stockport
39:52You'd get us home
39:54And that would make me proud
39:56Spit them out
40:18Come on
40:19I am really sorry for not asking about Lance
40:30I know you are
40:33It's just been a tough few months
40:35Moving here, selling the house
40:37Rocky holds space for me
40:41Well, he's agreed to go back to the library
40:43And I've got something which I think might help make up for me being such a terrible friend
40:47Box of donuts and some molly
40:49Nope
40:50A rhyme time black card
40:53Yep
40:55You can use it whenever you want
40:58No entrance fees
40:59No baby required
41:01Oh my god
41:01I didn't think these actually assisted
41:04Use it wisely
41:05I'm going to use it all the fucking time
41:07It's not my fault, is it?
41:10I just couldn't hold her in
41:11And she wouldn't stop the bus
41:13Okay, shut up
41:14According to the driver
41:16The nearest town
41:18Is over there
41:20Are you alright, Dad?
41:25I'm fine, stop fussing
41:26Yeah, you sure?
41:27You look a bit pale
41:28Unless it's your tan finally rubbing off
41:30I said stop fussing
41:32Always fussing
41:34Cooking
41:35Doing me laundry
41:37Cleaning
41:38When did you ever see me clean anything?
41:42Like having another bloody wife
41:44Pathetic
41:45I just do those things to help you, don't I?
41:48You'd help me, Malcolm
41:49By being more of a man
41:51That's all I wanted from today
41:53I'm going for a piss
41:56In a bush
41:58Come here
42:03Malcolm, at what point are you going to tell him to go fuck himself?
42:08Never
42:09He's your bestest friend
42:10I don't like seeing other people belittle you
42:13Especially not your father
42:14Oh, thanks, mate
42:15No
42:16Just takes the shine off me doing it
42:18You're such a massive arsehole
42:19Hey, what are you doing?
42:21You can't steal them
42:21I'm not stealing these kayaks, Malcolm
42:25They belong to me
42:26Only they do
42:28They're mine
42:30They were mine all along
42:35Grab an oar, King
42:37Going on a friendship adventure
42:40Dad!
42:42We'd be going faster if you could paddle, Dad
42:46I'm not paddling
42:48Yep
42:49Just how did you think we were going to get home, Jackie?
42:52Steal a car
42:52Seduce a woman
42:54Get dropped off by a taxi near the flat
42:58And run off without paying
42:59That's not a bad idea, I can't
43:02Leave it to Malky and the day's a disaster
43:04Is that a phone?
43:07You had a phone the entire time?
43:10Fucking hypocrite
43:11You're pathetic, Malcolm
43:13No wonder Gemma wants out
43:15What?
43:16Yeah, of course she does
43:18She might not say it, but she does
43:20She only lets you live with her
43:22Because she feels sorry for you
43:24Nobody wants their kid's pity
43:26Jesus, Jackie
43:28That's a bit harsh
43:28I'm not interested in anything you've got to say either
43:31She deserves a lot better
43:34Than being stuck with her useless dad
43:37You're in her way
43:38Fuck you, Jackie Mossgrip
43:44You've been an awful father to me all my life
43:46Well, the little time you've spent in it anyway
43:49You know what?
43:51I pity you
43:52I pity you
43:55Living on your own
43:57Conning everyone you come into contact with
43:59Your friends, your family
44:00Your girlfriends
44:01Yeah?
44:02Well, my kids want to be near me
44:04Because they like me
44:06Yeah, at least one of them does
44:07You know, and I love you, Dad
44:08But I don't like you
44:09So if you want to be with us
44:12With me and Gemma and Sadie
44:15Then things have got to change, you understand?
44:20Hey!
44:22Malcolm
44:22Dad
44:24Malcolm
44:27Beth
44:31Beth
44:31Oh, fuck
44:36I love Rita
44:39But I can't sweep up hair until the day she dies
44:41When I'll finally get a go on the scissors
44:42Well, my career plan is to take Lance
44:45To the fucking cleaners
44:46Cheating arsehole
44:48Good plan
44:49Grandad?
44:53Derek?
44:56Derek?
45:06I killed him
45:11No, you didn't, Malcolm
45:12The paramedic said it was a heart attack
45:15Because I showed it
45:17No
45:17You know what?
45:21Silver lining
45:22He was probably already dead
45:23Before you dropped your long-withheld truth bomb
45:25Well, that's even worse
45:28Why would you say that?
45:30Just pretend I didn't say
45:31Oh, Gemma
45:32Oh, God
45:33Oh, God
45:33What?
45:38I'm sad as well
45:39I had to prise his fucking eyes open
45:41So I locked the phone
45:42Jesus Christ
45:43Thank you
45:45Thank you
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