- 8 hours ago
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00:00Let's firm up those plans then, eh?
00:02You, me, a bottle of pop and a large fish supper.
00:06What about the kid?
00:08Well, Malcolm.
00:10Suppose I can ask him to stick a Savaloy in as well.
00:12I mean, he's not going to be there too, is he?
00:14Not again!
00:16I've bought my Walkman, he can't hear a thing, I promise.
00:19You can make as much noise as you like.
00:22Jackie Moskrip, you're a terrible father.
00:25Yeah, but my great...
00:26I'll see you Saturday.
00:28Both of you.
00:40They really are the most glorious things in the world, Malcolm.
00:44Forget the flowers.
00:46When I die, I want the church filled with beautiful women.
00:49Wall-to-wall stone foxes.
00:51No pigs.
00:53No eulogy.
00:55Come on.
00:57It would be great if you could come to my dad's funeral.
00:59I don't think so.
01:00Sorry.
01:03Have you got...
01:04Are you sure you want me to do all these bats with lure pack, Gemma?
01:07It's very expensive.
01:08Just use what's in the fridge.
01:10All I'm saying is I can do you a mix of spreads that will bring the cost down without necessarily diminishing the taste.
01:15The key thing is to whip the store cup, add a bit of salt, a tiny bit of lard, and then add whatever butter of your choice before rounding it out.
01:23You just use what's in the fridge.
01:25I could save you up to two pounds, Gemma.
01:27I don't care about two pounds.
01:28And that attitude is why you'll never be a businesswoman and I'm the OG boss bitch.
01:32I don't care.
01:35Dad.
01:36How are you feeling?
01:38I still don't manage to get any beautiful women to come to the funeral.
01:42Are you cheeky?
01:43I'll be there.
01:45I killed him and then I let him down.
01:47Oh my God, you need to stop this.
01:49You didn't kill him.
01:50He was on the list for a triple heart bypass.
01:52Those pills were the only things keeping him alive.
01:55And you've written such a lovely eulogy.
01:57He always said he didn't want one.
01:59Well, I bet he didn't want to eat his mad sandwich bed either, but that's what he's getting.
02:02Look, you've done the hard part, now you just need to read it out.
02:05You'll say something nice though.
02:07Nobody wants to hear the truth at a funeral.
02:10Morning!
02:12Here you go, one eulogy.
02:14Oh, I changed the font from Impact to Times New Roman.
02:16Felt like the respectful thing to do.
02:18Perfect, thanks.
02:19Go on, mate, go cry it out.
02:20Oh, can I have one of those?
02:21I skipped breakfast.
02:22I've been fasting.
02:23Found a rat in my breadwin.
02:25Ew.
02:26Excuse fingers.
02:27These are for Jackie.
02:28I hate to break it to you, ladies, but Jackie's...
02:32Fine.
02:35Fucking hell.
02:36You get less food at a mafia funeral.
02:38Unless, of course, you've invited all of Jackie's exes, in which case it's not enough.
02:41You pig.
02:42Gemma's been working really hard on that buffet all week.
02:44Oh!
02:45Oh!
02:46Oh!
02:47Oh!
02:48Oh!
02:49Oh!
02:50Oh!
02:51Oh!
02:52Oh!
02:53Oh!
02:54Oh!
02:55Oh!
02:56Oh!
02:57Oh!
02:58You can see a terror!
03:01Disgusting.
03:04Shit.
03:06Shit.
03:07Oh!
03:08Jogging bottoms at a funeral, eh?
03:09I admire the sentiment, King.
03:10One last fuck you to the old man.
03:11I'm not doing that!
03:12Why would you think I was doing that?
03:13I'm not doing that!
03:14Relax, Malcolm.
03:15It was a JK.
03:16This is the last thing I'll ever get to do for him.
03:18I just want today to be appropriate, alright?
03:20And I thought I bought a suit from the charity shop and I can't find it now!
03:24I mean, what if I didn't buy it?
03:25Eh?
03:26What if I just dreamt it?
03:27Gemma!
03:28Fucking hell.
03:29You yelled?
03:30I got a suit from the charity shop, didn't I?
03:31Yeah.
03:32I took it to the dry cleaners, like you asked.
03:33Well, where is it now?
03:34Probably still there.
03:35I gave you the receipt.
03:36Did you?
03:37I can't bet I've lost the receipt.
03:38I've lost the receipt!
03:39Dad, it's fine.
03:40You've got loads of time, okay?
03:41You can go down there now and just give them your name.
03:43What?
03:44It's Malcolm Moss script.
03:45I can write it down to you if you want.
03:46Gemma, do you have any fancy bowls?
03:48What kind of bowls?
03:49Well, I wanted to decant the coleslaw from the plastic tubs into something nice.
03:53Show a bit of respect.
03:54Oh, that's lovely.
03:55I can use that.
03:56That's an ashtray.
03:57That was my granddad's.
03:59It's fucking filthy is what it is.
04:00Yeah, I can wash it, Gemma.
04:02If I have to.
04:03He's dead now, of course.
04:04Will you use a normal bowl, Rita?
04:06Yeah, but I can't find any.
04:08Oh, I could decant it into a mug.
04:10No.
04:11We're not serving coleslaw from a mug at my grandfather's wake.
04:14You know what I've just realised?
04:17I'm finally an orphan.
04:20Dad.
04:21Right, you take him to get his suit.
04:24Roger that.
04:25Come on, little orphan Annie.
04:26It starts at 86 minutes, isn't it?
04:28Yeah, we'll meet you at the crematorium.
04:30And Rita, I'll find you something for the coleslaw.
04:34Something fancy.
04:35Right, Kerry there, won't let me have a mug.
04:38For your grief.
04:39I like a sexy little bit.
04:41Can we go in yours?
04:42Why?
04:43It's nicer, isn't it?
04:44Than the Jag.
04:45No, it fucking isn't.
04:46Surely you want to arrive in your dad's classic car.
04:47It was his pride and joy.
04:48I can't.
04:49If I drive it, it means he's really dead, doesn't it?
04:50Malcolm, I think the fact that we're setting fire to him later is enough to suggest that
04:55he's really dead.
04:56Look, it's been over a month.
04:57You've got to drive it sometime, King.
04:58Yeah, well, I will, just not today, all right?
04:59Jesus, all right?
05:00Such a baby.
05:01Okay.
05:02Oh, could somebody help us?
05:03You all right?
05:04There's no way to walk.
05:05I can't.
05:06I can't drive it.
05:07You have to drive it, I can't.
05:08I can't drive it, but I can't drive it.
05:09I can't drive it, I can't drive it.
05:10I can't drive it, I can't drive it, I can't drive it.
05:12You have to drive it?
05:13I can't drive it.
05:14You can't drive it, he's really dead.
05:15I can't drive it, it means he's really dead.
05:16Malcolm, I think the fact that we're setting fire to him later is enough to suggest that
05:17he's really dead.
05:18Look, it's been over a month.
05:20You've got to drive it sometime, King.
05:21Yeah, well I will, just not today, all right?
05:22Jesus, all right?
05:23Baby.
05:27Okay.
05:29Ooh, could somebody help us?
05:30Are you all right?
05:31Ooh, God.
05:32Mm-hmm.
05:33Sounded like a sloppy one.
05:34All right, you just don't get any on you. I'll take care of this.
05:36Hiya.
05:37Thanks, babe.
05:38Oh, God, you are a stinky bum today.
05:40Hey?
05:48Oh, Sadie didn't shit herself on purpose.
05:53Just wish I'd taken more photos of her and Grandad.
05:56Oh, lovey.
05:58Now it's too late.
05:59No, it isn't. Don't say that. It's never too late.
06:03Rita, it is too late.
06:05They can do anything with computers these days, Gemma.
06:08If you want, I can get you a picture of Sadie, Jackie, Jesus and Freddie Mercury.
06:13You know, all inside a barn that's floated out to sea.
06:15I know someone that can do that.
06:17You know, and not just photos.
06:20I could get that image printed on a mouse mat for you.
06:23A mouse mat.
06:25Imagine that.
06:26Eh?
06:27No.
06:28Can you have another look, please?
06:44There isn't anything under the name Malcolm Moss Crip. I have a photographic memory.
06:48When you put that to use in a dry cleaners.
06:50I also do alterations.
06:51Are we sure this is the right place?
06:56What is it?
06:57We left the dry cleaners and they haven't got my suit.
06:59Which one did you take it to?
07:00The one on Mayford Road. A dick called Johan works there.
07:03Is your name Johan?
07:04Yes.
07:05And are you a dick?
07:07Do you see any customer service awards in front of me?
07:10They haven't got my suit, so what am I going to do?
07:12Okay. Can you sort this out yourself?
07:14Look, it's my dad's funeral. In an hour. Have you got anything? Anything please?
07:30I have something that might fit. It's not black.
07:33Okay.
07:34Hiya, Cat.
07:53Cat!
07:54Cat!
07:55Catkins!
07:56Oh!
07:57Gary there!
07:59Gary, did you get taller?
08:01Oh, it's the pins in my legs.
08:03I might get my arms done, too. Can you imagine being able to reach things before other people?
08:07Amazing.
08:08Yeah.
08:09I gotta say, Gemma, thank you so much for sorting all this.
08:12What?
08:13The cat said you'd come through on the day release.
08:15Hmm.
08:16You had Grandad's heart pills, didn't you?
08:19Don't even joke about that.
08:21We'll tell the baby Auntie Gem Gem moved to heaven and earth to make their conception possible.
08:26And special thanks to Grandad Jackie, who sacrificed himself so our baby could be.
08:31Fucking hell.
08:32Huh?
08:33Ahem.
08:34Oh, yeah.
08:35This is Suka.
08:36Prison officer.
08:37My job is to help Catherine make correct decisions today.
08:41Or else.
08:42Oh.
08:43I've missed you so much, Cat.
08:47I'd let you push me off a million fire escapes.
08:50So things are properly back on with you two then?
08:52Yeah.
08:53Catherine explained it was a crime of passion.
08:55Passion.
08:56She's always been very passionate.
08:57Yeah.
08:58Not the word I'd use to describe her, but okay.
09:00Shut up.
09:01Catherine!
09:02Oh!
09:03Oh!
09:04Dad, what the hell are you wearing?
09:05Well, the dry cleaners lost my suit, didn't they?
09:07So you borrowed one from RuPaul?
09:08I think Dad looks magnificent.
09:10Thanks, love.
09:11Hey, it didn't look so bright in the bag, did it?
09:13It did not.
09:14Come here.
09:15Oh, bums.
09:16Sorry, Dad.
09:17I've used up all my hooks for today.
09:20It's prison rules.
09:22Aye, aye.
09:23What if I forget how to talk?
09:25You know, I've already gone a bit dry, and I've gone dry.
09:28Dad, no.
09:29It's a beautiful eulogy.
09:31Thanks.
09:32I'd better go and practice, okay?
09:34There is no way you think Dad looks good in that suit.
09:37I am?
09:38Prove it.
09:47You know, my dad never cried.
10:11Not even when he sliced his toe off kicking my samurai sword.
10:15Just different people, aren't you?
10:18Hi.
10:19Hi.
10:20I'm sorry.
10:21Why?
10:22What have you done?
10:23For your loss.
10:26Missed you.
10:27Thanks for coming.
10:32What is it?
10:34Your Auntie Jess, she's not going to come.
10:36Oh, Dad.
10:37Yeah, well, we had a tough relationship, you know.
10:41I think she thought he was a bit judgmental.
10:43Mm-hmm.
10:44Oh, but I hope she'd call me not just for me, but...
10:46Sorry.
10:47Oh.
10:48Here's a message from Tyrone.
10:51Oh, God.
10:52That's not very nice, is it?
10:53Right.
10:54I think it's time to kick off.
10:56Oh, sorry.
10:57We've got to wait for the celebrant.
10:58Uh, hello.
10:59Who do you think I am?
11:00Francis, I'm your celebrant super sub.
11:02I'm afraid your guy had a tiny bump on the A34 this morning.
11:06Is he okay?
11:07Yeah.
11:08He did manage to WhatsApp me some very comprehensive notes
11:11while he was awaiting to be cut out of the wreckage.
11:13I'm such a pro.
11:14Where are my glasses?
11:20Ooh.
11:21Oh, silly old Francis.
11:24I think we need to get on.
11:26Yeah.
11:27Great.
11:28John Richard Muscrip.
11:45Jackie, to his friends and family, was a devoted and loving father to Malcolm and Jessica.
11:52Who's not here.
11:53Oh, here.
11:54And adoring grandfather to Catherine.
11:56Yes.
11:57Top of the list.
11:58I've made it.
11:59Well done, baby girl.
12:00Gemma and Mice.
12:02Mice?
12:03Why did I say Mice?
12:04Mia.
12:05Yeah, that's my sister's daughter.
12:07Mia.
12:08What, that's a name, is it?
12:09Yes.
12:10I've never heard that name before.
12:12Mia.
12:13You learn something new every day.
12:15Mia.
12:16Mia.
12:17Bitch, I like it.
12:18Actually, I really like it.
12:19Yeah.
12:20Right, back to Jackie.
12:21Very recently, he'd become a great grandfather to, oh, scroll past it.
12:25Sadie.
12:26Sadie.
12:27Yeah, now I do know that name.
12:28Well, sexy Sadie.
12:29Isn't she?
12:30Is she sexy?
12:31You're Sadie?
12:32She's a year old.
12:35Anywho, Malcolm Muscrip will now say a few words about his dear dead dad.
12:42You got it, King.
12:43You fucking got it.
12:44Okay.
12:45Slay.
12:46Fucking destroy it.
12:47Come on.
12:48My dad.
12:49Um.
12:50Jackie.
12:51There's a lot to say about my dad.
12:53There's a lot I'd like to say.
12:55And he didn't want a eulogy.
12:56He was very firm about that.
13:13And he didn't want a eulogy.
13:16He didn't want a eulogy, and he was very firm about that.
13:23And I'd like to honor him in the best way I can, if that's okay with you.
13:34Oh, shit.
13:37Okay.
13:46I can't do this.
13:56Yes, you can, Malcolm.
13:57Yes, you can.
13:58Eyes on me, King.
13:59You got it.
14:00Am I going in?
14:01I'm going in.
14:02I'm going in.
14:03I'm going in.
14:04I'm going in.
14:05I'm going in.
14:06I'm going in.
14:07Baby, I'm your man.
14:11Here we go.
14:12It's you.
14:13You know that, baby, I'm your man.
14:18We're going together.
14:19We're going together.
14:20Come on.
14:21If you told us, do it, do it right.
14:24If you told us, do it, do it right.
14:28If you told us, do it, do it right now.
14:31Do it for me.
14:32Yeah.
14:33Do it right now.
14:40I thought everyone would join in once we hit that second verse.
14:42Yeah, me too.
14:43And you wrote that song yourself.
14:44Amazing.
14:45I wish you'd told me you were going to do that.
14:47So you could talk him out of it.
14:48Yeah.
14:51Hi.
14:52Hi.
14:53Well, that was something.
14:55Yep.
14:56Okay.
14:57Thanks for coming.
14:58Sorry for your loss.
14:59Sorry for your loss.
15:01Sorry for your loss.
15:02I've only got to keep the clothes under.
15:04Yeah.
15:05Oh, you're being so brave.
15:07It's okay, Rita.
15:09Oh, please.
15:10Take your fucking time.
15:11You're not the only one incinerating a family member today, mate.
15:22It's quite a lot, isn't it, babe?
15:25Yeah, I didn't want people gossiping about there not being enough food.
15:28But of course, what they're going to be talking about is you hiring a chorus line of strippers.
15:32God, you make it sound so seedy, Gemma.
15:34You should have seen them at the audition.
15:36Gemma!
15:37I can't shake Suki off.
15:39How me and Gary Sposchko will make a baby if they keep following me round all day?
15:44Maybe this is God's or HM Prison Service's way of saying don't bother.
15:48You having a baby?
15:49We're trying.
15:50We're trying to try.
15:51No thanks to Gemma.
15:52Cat, what more do you want me to do?
15:54Draw him a map of where to stick it.
15:56Get him hard for you.
15:57Guide him in like cock-air traffic control.
15:59Don't be so crude, Gemma!
16:01I think it's a wonderful way to honour your granddad.
16:04Thank you, Daddy.
16:05You fucking bitch.
16:06They weren't at the crematorium.
16:07So, er, how did you know Jackie then?
16:10Hiya.
16:11Hey!
16:12Hey!
16:13Derry's just told me how much they get paid.
16:15Fucking hell.
16:16Have you thought about a crematorium?
16:18Dancing at funerals?
16:19Well, I might have to.
16:20Three months to apply and no fights.
16:21I mean, what's wrong with me?
16:22Well, you're a single mum on maternity leave with zero qualifications.
16:25Do you think I should stop putting that on my cover letter?
16:27Maybe.
16:28Yeah.
16:29I don't think they even knew who granddad was.
16:30No?
16:31No.
16:32I'm going to get me baps off that woman.
16:33Okay.
16:34I, er, I love a man in a suit.
16:46What, even this one?
16:47Well, you should ask me to dance for your Malcolm.
16:49I'm very talkful.
16:51Watch this.
16:52Woah!
16:53Woah!
16:54Rita, can I have a word?
16:56Quick word?
16:57Yeah?
16:58Derek.
16:59Will you stop trying to seduce my grieving father?
17:01I'm trying to lift his spirits.
17:03His spirits need to stay exactly where they are.
17:05Gemma.
17:06What?
17:07Can you distract Suki from me?
17:10We only need a couple of minutes.
17:11It's like 90 seconds max.
17:13Jesus, Gary's a lucky guy.
17:15I know.
17:16Right, what do you want me to do and nothing illegal?
17:18Right, well, Suki, they really fancy your fit, mate.
17:22Jerry?
17:23Yeah.
17:24Right.
17:25So, could you, like, introduce them or something?
17:28And then me and Gary, we'll slip off to the bogs, make a baby, as is most great family tradition.
17:34Go on.
17:36Fine.
17:37Yes.
17:38Yes.
17:39Suki, can I introduce you to Cherry?
17:41Oh, God, yes, please.
17:43Cherry, this is Suki.
17:45Suki is my sister's...
17:47Guardian angel.
17:48You are.
17:49Just go with it.
17:50Oh.
17:51Aya, you are very pretty.
17:54Do you work with Catherine?
17:58She's in prison.
17:59She is Twist?
18:01You have not stopped all day today.
18:03Yeah, well, I'm just trying to make sure that everyone's having a really great time.
18:06At 08?
18:07I love wakes.
18:08I think they're like weddings, but you just don't have to get anyone a gift.
18:11Why don't you sit down and get a glass of his?
18:12No, because if I stop thinking about the food, then I'll think about the...
18:14Oh, yeah.
18:16Hi, Gary.
18:17Where's Cat?
18:20Oh, my God!
18:21Gary?
18:23Run, my goodness!
18:24What?
18:25I'm finding her!
18:26Just go!
18:27Come on, you, Casper!
18:28Fucking killer.
18:29Gary, that's not how you make a baby.
18:37Right, on your way, Gary.
18:38Malcolm.
18:40Malcolm.
18:41Sorry again, Malcolm.
18:42About the table.
18:44And the food.
18:46And your dad.
18:47Oh, I should have said dad first.
18:48Why didn't you say dad first?
18:59All I wanted was for my dad to have an appropriate send-off, you know?
19:04Well, I think we achieved that.
19:08Plus, we've got a family member on the run now.
19:10Sure.
19:11He would have loved that.
19:12I just wanted to say, the whole day was great.
19:15And a bit weird.
19:17But great.
19:18My mum went to karaoke machine at her funeral.
19:20Got talked out of it by family.
19:22Regretted it ever since.
19:24I'm Elodie.
19:25Here's my number.
19:26Yeah?
19:27Love the suit, by the way.
19:31Yeah.
19:32Nice.
19:33Like I'm gonna hire her again.
19:37She cost a fortune.
19:42Oh, have I missed it?
19:44I can't believe I've missed it.
19:46There was a crash on the A34.
19:51Malcolm.
19:53Tommy.
19:54Finally.
19:55In the flesh.
19:57Well, you're a lot taller than I thought you'd be.
19:59And about ten times more handsome.
20:01I mean, how sexy is this guy?
20:04Come on.
20:05Bring it in.
20:10Dad?
20:11Who's this?
20:13It's Tommy Musgrave.
20:16Jackie's son.
20:17The other son.
20:19Dad, you've got a brother.
20:23Yeah.
20:25Me.
20:32Cuddly Squid?
20:34Um, the one-year-old's like Squid?
20:36Almost said he's gonna have to get used to Squid, mate.
20:38It's not gonna be long before she's having to fight them off in a post-nuclear wasteland.
20:42This present needs to be perfect.
20:44I read online that your first birthday present can set the course for the rest of your life.
20:48No, total bullshit.
20:49Just get her some fluffy bricks or something.
20:52So, I'm still pretty livid.
20:54You didn't tell me you had a secret brother.
20:56I didn't tell anyone, did I?
20:57That's why it was secret.
20:58Hmm.
20:59So what's Tommy's deal?
21:00What does he want?
21:01Well, he just messaged me out of the blue a few years ago.
21:03You know, he said he was Dad's son and that they were living together in Spain.
21:07Oh, suspicious. Continue.
21:08He found some photos of me and Dad and was asking awkward questions.
21:11But my Dad told him I was an old work colleague and I had a brain injury
21:14so don't trust anything I said, you know.
21:16So, Tommy knew about you and your sister and you knew about Tommy
21:20but your wife and kids didn't know anything.
21:21And your Dad didn't know you knew or that you'd been in contact with Tommy
21:24but also you didn't ask your Dad about Tommy
21:26even though he'd been living here for two months before he carked it.
21:32Yeah.
21:33Jesus, Malcolm, do you think this is why your family are so fucked up?
21:36Well, we just don't discuss those sorts of things.
21:38What sort of thing? Having blood relatives.
21:40Oh, my God, this is a...
21:42Okay, that's perfect.
21:43That's Sadie's present.
21:48Oh, Malcolm!
21:49Help me!
21:50It's spunking its eggs down my throat!
21:54Hi, baby.
21:58I spoke to the police again.
21:59Oh, yeah?
22:00Still nothing.
22:02It's been over a week now.
22:04I thought they had CCTV everywhere.
22:06They do, but apparently they don't have the manpower to look at it.
22:10Cat will be fine, you know Dad.
22:12She's kind of a badass.
22:13In a lazy way.
22:15Good morrow, fellow Moskrips. Good morrow.
22:17Hey, Tommy.
22:19Brother from another mother.
22:20Yeah.
22:21Niece from another piece.
22:22Uncle from another spunkle.
22:24Oh, that's awesome.
22:26So, how are you finding Grandad's then?
22:27It's a bloody palace, Gemma.
22:29Sure, the shower runs cold and the oven doesn't work,
22:31but I'm more of a meat-crowave kind of guy anyway.
22:35And is there a microwave?
22:36Nah.
22:38Okay.
22:39Gotta go.
22:40Bye.
22:41Bye.
22:42Your skin looks incredible, Malcolm.
22:43Do you wild swim?
22:44No.
22:46I sometimes shower with the window open.
22:48A squirrel got in once.
22:53Gemma, I've got a surprise for you.
22:55How are you?
22:56Come on.
22:58Ta-da!
22:59Sadie's crash for when you come back to work.
23:02Only a week to go.
23:03Rita, you know Dad's gone part-time to help look after Sadie.
23:05Yeah, but he might want a day off now and then
23:07to explore romantic avenues.
23:10They are often so sexy.
23:13So, put a load of bath mats down so she doesn't hurt herself
23:15and some toys from Crisis.
23:20An uncooked bowl of rice?
23:21Exactly, yeah.
23:22To attract a rat for her to play with.
23:26It's a treasure hunt.
23:27You know, you bury things in the bowl and Sadie digs them out.
23:31It's fun.
23:34Spanner and a biro?
23:35I don't know what baby's like Gemma.
23:37I'm not Mr. Bloody Tumble.
23:38Of course.
23:39This is lovely, Rita.
23:41Treasure hunt.
23:44Oh my God, what is that?
23:46No, it's not anything weird.
23:47It's just one of Winnie's semi-dried figs.
23:49Keeps Sadie regular.
23:50Can I have it back now, Rita?
23:51Right, last one.
23:52I don't want you shitting yourself again.
23:53I'm not mopping you out of this salon.
23:55Oh, that was an accident.
23:56That grouting has never been the same since.
23:58I can still smell it.
23:59I've still got it right up here.
24:04Hi.
24:05Do you have any balloons that say happy first birthday
24:07but also happy 56th birthday?
24:09She's having a joint do with her granddad.
24:11Well, these balloons are very popular.
24:12They keep their tumescence for up to six months.
24:15Why?
24:16I think we'll just take a one, a five and a six.
24:18Okie dokie.
24:20Oh, you're so cute.
24:22So, I can't do that pre-party lunch on Friday anymore.
24:26Oh.
24:27Are you getting your nails done?
24:28Do not go to my lady.
24:29They were so sharp last time.
24:30I could have climbed a tree.
24:31It's not that.
24:33I actually have a job interview.
24:35Oh my God, babe.
24:36About f***ing down.
24:38Go on then, tell me.
24:40It's marketing.
24:41It's well paid.
24:42It's flexible.
24:43It's family friendly.
24:44They have a creche.
24:45A normal one.
24:46Not one with bath mats and rice.
24:48Yeah.
24:49I mean, I probably won't get it, but...
24:50Yeah, you will.
24:51We'll manifest it.
24:52Give Gemma the job.
24:53Give Gemma the job.
24:54Give Gemma the job.
24:55I actually really, really do hope I get it.
24:58But how am I going to tell Rita?
24:59Well, she'll understand.
25:01Like you said, the only way to get promoted at the salon
25:03is by stabbing her in the neck with a pair of barbering scissors.
25:07Did I say that?
25:08I've been dealing with my rage towards Lance
25:10by watching a lot of true crime documentaries.
25:12Erm, do you want curls on your balloons?
25:14Keep those away from me.
25:22Oh.
25:23He looks well there, doesn't he?
25:26Manigar's a wonderful place, Malcolm.
25:28You and Gem should visit.
25:30And Jess.
25:31I can't wait to finally meet her.
25:33She's got a hot tub.
25:34Did you know that Maligar is known as Europe's hot tub?
25:38No.
25:40So, you know, me and Dad lived together
25:42until we had a massive bust up a few months ago.
25:45Did he often fall out?
25:46Loads.
25:48He was a difficult sausage, wasn't he?
25:50Yeah.
25:52Did he ever use words like pathetic and disappointment?
25:56Like you're a pathetic disappointment?
25:58All the time, Malc.
25:59Yeah.
26:00All the time.
26:01You know, Dad got me to guarantee you some business loan.
26:06And I paid the rent and all his medical bills.
26:09Not that I mind, of course.
26:10You don't win his family, do you, Malc?
26:12I half hope to be something here to cover it all.
26:17You haven't taken it out of the boxes, have you?
26:19No.
26:21Seems like the only thing to his name was that Jag.
26:26Of course he never let me drive it.
26:29Lucky old you, eh?
26:31I've not been able to sit in it since he passed, you know.
26:34I don't know.
26:36Don't know why I'm upset.
26:37No.
26:38He was horrible.
26:39Yeah, but he was our Dad, wasn't he?
26:43He was.
26:47I thought he'd have something sexy lying around.
26:49Me?
26:50Oh.
26:54It's what he would have wanted.
26:56Here you go.
26:57It's probably not a lot.
27:08To John Richard Moskrip.
27:11A complicated old tosser.
27:15To Jackie.
27:19Yummy.
27:21Oh, God.
27:22Oh, another late one with Tommy.
27:25We had a really nice chat, though.
27:27Good.
27:28And then we watched John McFour on his phone.
27:31You know, it's so good to know that it wasn't just me who had a rough time with me Dad.
27:35Oh, no, he was an arse older Tommy, too.
27:37Yeah, he was awful.
27:40Happy birthday, Dad.
27:42Oh.
27:44This is from Sadie.
27:45You'll get mine later at the party.
27:46Thank you, darling.
27:47She painted it herself.
27:49I did the writing.
27:50Her penmanship is abysmal.
27:51Let's have a look, shall we?
27:52What have you got...
27:54Oh, God, I love it.
27:55I love it.
27:56He loves it, Sadie.
27:57Look, it's got my name on it.
27:58Yeah.
27:59Oh, that's great.
28:00Oh, look, and this is for you.
28:01Happy birthday, little one.
28:03Oh, we got Sadie.
28:04Yeah.
28:08Oh, my God.
28:11Sadie Martha Moskrip.
28:12Oh, Dad, I love that.
28:14Solid gold as well.
28:15Oh, and, er, I've got you this.
28:17Have a look.
28:18Have a look.
28:19What a gorgeous, Sadie.
28:22What's this?
28:23Look, Tommy.
28:24Yeah, look, I'll push you in.
28:29Dad.
28:30Yeah, it's, er, it's 300 quid.
28:32I want to open up a saving account in Sadie's name, you know,
28:35and I thought that could be the first deposit.
28:37Feliz cumpleanos.
28:39That's Spanish for happy birthday.
28:43Deloited to spend the day with my best ever brother,
28:46Los Dos Hermanos.
28:48Er, the two Hermans.
28:50You look fabulous, Gemma.
28:52Finish him out.
28:53Could've given us a heads up that the party was formal dress.
28:55Er, oh, no, no, no, no.
28:56Gemma's got a job interview this afternoon.
28:58Oh, yeah?
28:59What is it?
29:00Well, a nice man or lady will ask me questions,
29:02and if they like my answers, they'll give me money
29:04in exchange for my time and soul.
29:06Could change me and Sadie's life if I get it.
29:08You'll get it.
29:09Yeah, of course you will be.
29:10Do you want my advice?
29:11Oh, yep.
29:12Be yourself.
29:13Christ, no.
29:14Lie through your teeth.
29:15They've got a problem, and you're the solution.
29:18And maybe rub yourself with freshly baked bread.
29:21People love the smell.
29:22Isn't that a tip for selling houses?
29:24Can't hurt.
29:25Right.
29:26Good suggestion, Malcolm.
29:27Good suggestion.
29:28I'll have the bag in for you.
29:29Lovely cup of tea.
29:30Would you like some branded tap water?
29:40No, thanks.
29:45Oh.
29:46Dustin, I'll see you now.
29:47Third floor up Office 5.
29:48Okay.
29:51God, it's a bit quiet, isn't it?
29:52Yeah, most people work from home on a Friday.
29:55Not me, though.
29:56Never me.
29:58Oh.
29:59I'll see you next time.
30:00Can somebody order face paints?
30:01I can do tigers or zebras, but if anyone wants a unicorn, they can F off.
30:14Nobs on children's heads.
30:15It's not right.
30:16Hello, birthday boy.
30:17You can come over and paint my face later, if you like.
30:21Hello, Sadie, love.
30:23Here we go.
30:24Happy birthday, King.
30:25And before you ask, yes, I have got you a super awesome Prezi.
30:29And no, it's not another fucking novel about old ladies who solve crime.
30:32Oh, I love them.
30:33No, you don't, Malcolm.
30:34Derek, I'm thinking about giving Tommy the jack.
30:38Are you absolutely fucking insane?
30:40Oh, look, my dad left him with loads of debts and he always paid for everything, so I just thought it would be nice.
30:44Malcolm, have you got any actual proof he's even your brother?
30:46Well, his email is tommymoscriplovesnachos at hotmail.com.
30:49So fucking what?
30:50Oh, and I've seen his driving license.
30:53Yeah, because those are so impossible to fake.
30:56Check this out.
30:58Meet Randy Mondozo, Jebba Dye Fountain, Laertes Mackenzie Reed.
31:04Sound like made-up names.
31:06Oh, do you want to say that to Jebba Dye's face?
31:08Because he will fuck and slap you down, mate.
31:11He's from France.
31:12Look, you have to think about these things, big dog, okay?
31:14I bet I can internet detective Tommy's arse in under three seconds.
31:19Aha, there you go, see?
31:20Tommy Moskrip, pictured with Father Jackie outside famed Malaga...
31:23Oh, that looks real, actually.
31:25There he is!
31:29Blimey, Malcolm, you smell amazing.
31:32I swear, he's aging backwards.
31:34Have you lost weight?
31:35Well, I just didn't have any breakfast.
31:38I'll take those for you.
31:39Okay, if he is your brother, something is up,
31:44because there is no fucking way he likes you that much.
31:47Hm?
31:48Where are the car keys?
31:49In my pocket.
31:51If you give him that jag, Malcolm, I will disavow you.
31:53Don't make me disavow you on your birthday.
31:56Okay.
31:58What does disavow mean?
31:59I don't know.
32:00Heard it on a film.
32:01Hm?
32:16Em, is this part of the interview?
32:19Oh, my God.
32:20Help!
32:21Help!
32:22Oh, my God.
32:23I don't know how to use this.
32:24Epi-pen.
32:26Pull off blue safety cap.
32:27Hold orange tip.
32:28Inject into thigh.
32:29Trousers on or off?
32:31Trousers on or off?
32:33Right, lie down.
32:36Touch him.
32:37It.
32:41Okay.
32:42Inject into thigh.
32:43Thanks.
32:55I sat on a bee.
32:57I'm Gemma, by the way.
32:58I'm here for the marketing interview.
33:01You didn't need to take my trousers off.
33:03Well, I didn't know if it would work without...
33:05It does say on the label.
33:07It's quite small writing.
33:08I was in a bit of a hurry.
33:10Just for future reference.
33:11Trousers stay on.
33:12Stay on.
33:13Great.
33:15Do you want that back?
33:18Em...
33:20My husband's away.
33:22So the laundry's not been done.
33:24Hence the trunks.
33:25Oh.
33:28This the right place for the birthday party?
33:30Oh, yeah.
33:31Jebediah Fountain booked the superhero show for, erm...
33:35Little Malcolm Moskery.
33:36Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep.
33:38Changing room's over there.
33:39Thanks.
33:40Cheers, mate. Off you go.
33:41Yep, that's my prezzy to you, correct?
33:43Well, a superhero show.
33:44That's much more than that, Malcolm.
33:45Much more.
33:48Go and play with Sadie.
33:50And behave.
33:52Happy birthday!
33:54The blue one's for you.
33:55I know, it's so cliche.
33:56You'll never guess what it is.
33:57Erm...
33:58Oh?
33:59Yeah.
34:00How much of the play equipment's bolted to the floor?
34:02Er...
34:03None of it, I don't think.
34:04Fuck!
34:05Don't tip it over!
34:06Don't tip it over!
34:07Oh, Winnie!
34:08Er...
34:09Over there.
34:10Prezzy's on the side.
34:11Ooh!
34:12Squash!
34:13Sorry, you are?
34:14I'm Dr. Rush.
34:15I'm Gemma's GP.
34:16Oh.
34:17Erm...
34:18Do you know anybody else here?
34:19Er...
34:20No.
34:21Thankfully, I'm a hoot once the Sambuca starts flowing.
34:22No.
34:23No.
34:24Go on, shoo.
34:25Er...
34:26There's squash on the side?
34:27So...
34:28Do you have any marketing experience, Gemma?
34:31Just because it says here that your current role is sweeping up hair.
34:36Well, actually, I'm on maternity leave.
34:38But, yeah.
34:39When I'm back, me and the broom were like this.
34:42Er...
34:43Well, there's been an admin error.
34:45I don't know how you've slipped through the net, but this position's not for you.
34:49Please.
34:50Why do you even want this job?
34:54Because I love marketing.
34:57Nobody loves marketing.
34:59Okay.
35:02I didn't really want a proper career.
35:04Yeah.
35:05But then I had a baby.
35:07And all of a sudden, there's this helpless creature who needs me to look after her.
35:12And, you know, that's all on me.
35:14Ambulance, please.
35:15Are you okay?
35:16EpiPens were off, unfortunately.
35:18But please do, carry on.
35:19Right.
35:20So, yeah, there's this...
35:23fire inside me now.
35:25Jackson House, Stockport, Whitfield & Hitchens Marketing.
35:27Uh-huh.
35:28And I just...
35:29I want to provide a better life for my baby.
35:32And for me.
35:34And this job, it would be the first step.
35:37Anaphylaxis.
35:38EpiPen administered with the effects are starting to wear off.
35:41And I really would give everything I've got to you.
35:44And this company.
35:46I just need someone to take a chance on me.
35:49It's a great pitch.
35:51It's exactly the sort of spirit we're looking for, actually.
35:54Unfortunately, you are still not qualified for the job.
35:58Look, there is a junior position in our Glasgow office.
36:02I think you'd be perfect for it.
36:04Glasgow?
36:05Yeah, do you want it?
36:10Yeah, I do.
36:11I really want it.
36:13Well, congratulations, Gemma.
36:14You've just joined the rat race.
36:16I'm going to get in the recovery position now.
36:18Um, if you could just wait in reception for the ambulance
36:21and let her know I'm up here.
36:23Yes.
36:27So I did get the job?
36:28Affirmative.
36:43Oh!
36:44Oh!
36:45Happy birthday, baby girl.
36:46Hey.
36:47How did it go?
36:48How was the interview?
36:49Yeah.
36:50I got offered a job.
36:51Oh!
36:52Great!
36:53Congratulations!
36:54Yeah, it's in Glasgow.
36:55Right.
37:01Which is why I turned it down.
37:03What do you mean you turned it down?
37:04Yeah, well, I accepted it at first, but then called them back on the drive here.
37:09Can't leave you lot.
37:10Gemma.
37:11Er, excuse me.
37:12A little bird told me that you were looking for a job with career prospects.
37:17You should have said.
37:19Let me train you up.
37:20I can get a grant to send you to college.
37:22You could be the next Nicky Campbell.
37:23Nicky Clark.
37:24Hmm.
37:25Even better.
37:27Oh.
37:28Oh, yeah.
37:29They're coming.
37:30They are.
37:31Come on.
37:32Come on.
37:33All right.
37:34Boys and girls.
37:35Who likes superheroes?
37:36Malcolm does!
37:37No, he doesn't.
37:38Yeah, I do.
37:39I do.
37:40I do, Derek.
37:41I love them.
37:42Okay.
37:43I am the legally distinct American captain.
37:45Dilfer Rogers.
37:46Well, it's not just me today.
37:48You won't like him.
37:49Please welcome the Hulk.
37:51That's also working for me.
37:52Why?
37:53Why is it working for me?
37:54Jesus, do I know you at all?
37:55Er...
37:56Gemma, can you be quite pleased?
37:57Have you no respect for the answer?
37:58Cherry?
37:59No.
38:00Our story begins.
38:01In space.
38:02Once upon a time.
38:03In a planet not so far from this one.
38:06Wait, where's the cake?
38:07What?
38:08Well, you did get one then.
38:09I thought you were being all modern.
38:10No, it was on the side in the kitchen.
38:11No, it was on the side in the kitchen.
38:12Wait.
38:13How was it working for the answer, Cherry?
38:14No.
38:15Our story begins.
38:16In space.
38:17Once upon a time.
38:18In a planet not so far from this one.
38:20Wait, where's the cake?
38:33What?
38:34You did get one then.
38:35I thought you were being all modern.
38:37No, it was on the side in the kitchen.
38:39Is it a woke flavour?
38:41What would be a woke flavoured birthday cake?
38:44Red velvet.
38:44For fuck's sake.
38:46Look, I'll go and get it.
38:47Just, you enjoy the party, all right?
38:50Rita, stop it.
39:20What's going on, Tommy?
39:39Milk.
39:41What are you doing?
39:42You know I deserve that fucking car more than you do.
39:48I've put up with Dad's shit for years.
39:50So you thought you'd steal from us?
39:52What, from Sadie?
39:53Where are the car keys, Malcolm?
39:56I've got a flight to catch and a dealer waiting to take it off my hands.
39:59Derek's got them.
40:00So I could call him and then he'd come round, eh?
40:02So what do you think about that?
40:04Yeah.
40:06Yeah, just like our dad, aren't you?
40:10Yeah.
40:11And we're both cursed with that one, Malcolm.
40:13What do you mean?
40:14You heard, Gemma.
40:15She turned that job down because of you.
40:18Could have been a ticket to a better life, but no.
40:20She's stuck here with her sad old man.
40:22Well, that's not what's happening.
40:24I spent 20 fucking years with our dad.
40:26I hated him towards the end.
40:28Yeah, well, I won't let you steal off Sadie.
40:30No, you junkie.
40:31You've got no idea what a gift he gave you.
40:40He got out your fucking way.
40:42Oh, yeah.
40:52That's what he did?
41:01And there is nowhere left for your head to turn.
41:18Yeah, there's nowhere left for your head to turn.
41:22History repeating, but without the learning.
41:26And if they spend their energy coming for anybody who doesn't get it right, who really gets
41:37it right?
41:39And I'm a ghost.
41:40It's a machine.
41:42And now they're following where I've been.
41:45But what are you looking for?
41:47I'm just like you, but boring.
41:51And in the end, I'm coming clean.
41:54I spent my whole life lying about the things I want, about the things I should have done.
42:04Why is birthday boy taking so long?
42:14Dad?
42:15Dad?
42:16What are you doing?
42:42You'd have taken that job if it hadn't been for me
42:47I'm holding you back
42:48Don't be stupid
42:50You said it would have changed your life
42:53No, but I don't want to change it
42:55I want to grow it here
42:58With you
42:59Just say that, aren't you?
43:00Oh, God
43:01Now I wish I got your therapy for your birthday
43:04Instead of that very lovely jumper that's waiting for you inside
43:06I can't do this without you, Dad
43:10I need you
43:13You know I love you
43:17We love you
43:21We don't love you, too
43:24Shall we go back into the party?
43:29Yeah
43:29Rita wants me to paint her face
43:32I bet she does
43:34Oh, my God
43:37Can you lot keep the noise down?
43:40Are you alright, Brenda?
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