- 7 hours ago
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00:00Try and keep him up here.
00:08And that.
00:20Sadie.
00:22I'm getting out.
00:27Go away.
00:31Not a fan of the squishy banana then?
00:37Sadie.
00:55You look like you could do with a break.
00:57I had a lovely rest when I had that filling done last month, so I'm all good.
01:01Well, I've got a surprise for you.
01:05Have you booked me in for a root canal?
01:07The three of us are going away for the weekend.
01:11Dad!
01:12God's sake!
01:16Who is this? What do you want?
01:18Gem!
01:19Grandad Jackie!
01:20You still living in that little flat? Ground floor?
01:24Yeah, why?
01:29Gemma!
01:30Grandad.
01:32Dad?
01:33Oh, Malcolm.
01:35Are you going away, son?
01:36Finally made your way through all the women in the Costa Brava?
01:39I'm on the run from the Spanish Mafia after getting myself mixed up in a casino heist.
01:44I wanted to see my beautiful great granddaughter.
01:47Yes, I did.
01:49Yes, I did.
01:50Yes, I did.
01:51Dad, I think I'm just going to move these boxes because I don't want them falling on Sadie.
01:54You know, is that alright with you?
01:56Don't be so bloody wet, Malcolm.
01:57I need to keep them here because there's no room in that tiny little wank pad I'm renting.
02:02Oh, well, you can borrow the flat when we go away.
02:05Oh, what?
02:06We're just, you know, just having a bit of a break.
02:09Where are we going?
02:10No, there's not a lot of room, Dad, you know, so I just...
02:15Sorry.
02:19I'll be fine on me own.
02:22Could you just give me my bag? I need my pills.
02:26Where are you going, Grandad?
02:29Thanks.
02:31Is it really such a bad idea, him coming with us?
02:33Yes, it's the worst idea you've ever had.
02:35OK, OK, I'll just, I'll think about it, alright?
02:41No, that tea's stone cold.
02:43Hey, let me get you some water, Dad.
02:44Water's disgusting, Malky.
02:46I'm not wasting the last years of my life drinking water.
02:49Grandad, water's not disgusting, it doesn't taste of anything, it's water.
02:53Disgusting.
02:55Same for dinner?
02:56Depends who's cooking.
02:59Mrs Malky?
03:01No chance.
03:02Hey, Dad actually makes really normal food these days.
03:05I could rattle up a spanakopita.
03:07I don't know what the fuck that is, Malcolm, but I am not eating it.
03:15So, what's the deal with the boxes?
03:18It's a new business venture.
03:20Europe's old news.
03:21I'm exploring the UK market once again.
03:24Actually, I was wondering if you might like to come in on this one, Malky.
03:28I've always thought we'd make great business partners.
03:31Me?
03:34You?
03:35I could be interested.
03:36Dad, you don't even know what it is.
03:37What does matter, does it?
03:39What is it?
03:41It's an energy drink for ladies called shoes.
03:46Why is it called shoes?
03:48Ladies like shoes, don't they?
03:50You see, you buy all these cans from me, becoming a key member of my sales team,
03:53and you sell them on again at a profit, and I get some of your money,
03:57and you get paid by your sales team when they sell them on again.
04:01Wouldn't it be easier just to sell it to a shop?
04:03No. No, Malcolm, never.
04:05You must never, ever sell them to a shop.
04:07Oh, okay, yeah.
04:08You sell them to someone else, and they sell them to someone else,
04:12and that's how we get paid.
04:13So it's a pyramid scheme.
04:14Shh, I'm about to reel him in.
04:17Well, how much you need?
04:19Dad?
04:20No.
04:22And you?
04:27He said he's here to see Sadie, but I know there's another reason.
04:30Do you think he, er, killed someone?
04:37No, he's not you.
04:39It'll be about a woman.
04:40Or a business deal.
04:41Or both.
04:43You think he hasn't paid up on an indecent proposal?
04:46I bet he owes a gangster 5,000 quid for shagging his wife.
04:51Hey, get him to visit me.
04:54Grandad was always my favourite.
04:55Of course he was.
04:57He's a con man.
04:58As the only other criminal in the family, I can see why you guys have a lot in common.
05:01Hey, I bet Dad's not happy, though, is he?
05:03No.
05:05He locked himself in the loo for two hours the other day,
05:07after Grandad smeared baby food on the back of his trousers,
05:09then told next door that he'd shit his pants.
05:12Aw, that's hilarious.
05:14Dad's booked us a holiday, though.
05:15It's really sweet.
05:17I bet it's the caravan park.
05:19It won't be the caravan park.
05:21You and Catherine used to love coming here when you were kids.
05:24Mm-hmm.
05:25And Grandad brought me and Jess once, yeah,
05:27with his friend Lorraine from the Buc-ee's.
05:30And his sister.
05:34Look at that view.
05:37Name me a hotel anywhere in the world with a better view than this.
05:41There isn't one.
05:42There isn't one.
05:44If we had the weather, this place would be full of fucking Ruskies.
05:49Right, let's have a look at the luxury accommodation you've booked.
05:52OK.
05:53There's something died in here.
05:55Oh, it just needs a bit of air in, doesn't it, eh?
05:56Crack a window open.
05:57Here we go.
05:58Here, let's see.
05:59Here, let's see.
06:00Here, let's see.
06:01Oh, God, maybe not that one.
06:02Oh, God, maybe not that one.
06:03So, I thought Sadie and Gemma could have the master bedroom, eh?
06:04Master?
06:05Yeah, it's in here, look.
06:06And Dad, you and me are in here.
06:15It's in here.
06:16And then we'll get to see them.
06:17And then we'll get to see them growl.
06:18And then we'll get to see them growl.
06:20Good.
06:22And then here we go.
06:23Oh, God, maybe not that one.
06:26So I thought Sadie and Gemma could have the master bedroom, eh?
06:30Master?
06:32in here, look. And Dad, you and me are in here.
06:39Yeah, feel alright? Yeah, it's cosy, isn't it?
06:42Lovely work, Malky.
06:44A little bigger on the website, but...
06:48One knife, one frying pan, and no tin opener.
06:54Sorry.
06:55Oh no, Dad, it's brilliant.
06:57Yeah, it's Sadie's first holiday.
06:59This is your first holiday, Sadie.
07:02First holiday with Grandad, is it? Yes?
07:04Oh, okay. Give a hug.
07:06Sorry.
07:07You go change your top.
07:08Yeah, erm, the thing is, you know, there wasn't enough room in the car once we got all Sadie's stuff in,
07:13so I didn't pack a case, you know, I haven't got a change of clothes.
07:16Nothing? Not even pants?
07:18Yeah, I've got pants, obviously.
07:20Poor pants, got socks, and I got my toothbrush, look.
07:24I just need to remember to scrub my smalls in the morning.
07:26Not with a toothbrush, though, eh?
07:28Come on, Dad.
07:29Okay, I'll put tea on, shall I?
07:31And...
07:32Egg on toast?
07:33Yeah.
07:34Nope. Egg on egg?
07:36Look, I tell you what, why don't we, er...
07:38Why don't we go to the restaurant, eh?
07:40Yeah, look, it says here that it, er, often serves food.
07:44Don't, don't make eye contact.
07:45Smells good, doesn't it?
07:46This place is buzzy.
07:47My God, what are they cleaning these tables with? Ribena?
07:49This one's good.
07:50Okay.
07:51This one's good.
07:52Okay.
07:53This one's good.
07:54Ooh.
07:55Right, well.
07:56Yes.
07:57Are you ready to order?
07:58Yeah, should we just do three fish and chips and I'll have a coat?
07:59Oh, yeah, me too, thanks.
08:00May also, with two double whiskies poured right on in.
08:01Yes, it's good, isn't it?
08:02It's good, isn't it?
08:03This place is buzzy.
08:04Oh, my God, what are they cleaning these tables with? Ribena?
08:07This one's good.
08:08Okay.
08:09Oh, right, well.
08:10Are you ready to order?
08:11Yeah, should we just do three fish and chips and I'll have a coat?
08:12Oh, yeah, me too, thanks.
08:13May also, with two double whiskies poured right on in.
08:29What do you think of her, Malky?
08:31Eh?
08:32Oh, she seemed courteous and efficient.
08:36No, that was suspiciously.
08:41No, that was suspiciously quick.
08:46Erm, may I inquire as to what is this?
08:50A plum.
08:51A what?
08:52A plum.
08:53It's a type of fruit.
08:54Yeah, we know what a plum is.
08:55Why is it on the same plate as fish and chips?
08:57Do you want me to get a coat out here?
08:59Because she's just spent the last hour crying.
09:02And this will just finish her off.
09:04Is she as feisty as you?
09:08That's for you, charmer.
09:10Hey, Dad.
09:11Time to say good night.
09:12Hey, this is us.
09:13Yeah, I'll be staying somewhere else tonight, son.
09:14Give you some space.
09:15Snuck the shag wagon keys out of reception.
09:16Come on.
09:17Right next door.
09:18Andy.
09:19Hey, I hope these are soundproof.
09:20Oh, Jackie.
09:21Jackie.
09:22Oh, Christ.
09:23Christ.
09:24Oh, Jackie.
09:25Oh, Jackie.
09:26Oh.
09:27Time to say goodnight. Hey, this is us.
09:29Yeah, I'll be staying somewhere else tonight, son.
09:31Give you some space.
09:32Snuck the shag wagon keys out of reception.
09:36Come on.
09:38Right next door. Andy.
09:40I hope these are soundproof.
09:44Oh, Jackie! Jackie!
09:47Oh, Christ, that's right.
09:50Oh, Jackie.
09:57Well, you fucking kids stop pissing in the kitchen sink while your dad's in the shower.
10:08If you can't hold it, do it out the door.
10:13Sleep okay?
10:14Yeah.
10:16Yeah, you know.
10:18Eventually.
10:19He can go a long time.
10:20Yeah, yeah.
10:21He's got a condition.
10:23He tried to tell me about it once, but I just blocked it out, you know.
10:25Before he gets back, do you think you should speak to him?
10:28Oh.
10:29About how mean he is to you.
10:31Oh, no, no, we don't need to do that.
10:33You're having a good time, aren't you, love?
10:36Brilliant.
10:38What?
10:39The holiday's a disaster.
10:40Gemma rates it.
10:41Yeah, of course she does.
10:42It's off-season at a caravan park, Malcolm.
10:44Yeah, well, I need you here to make it fun, don't I?
10:47Please.
10:47Is there an arcade?
10:48Yeah, yeah, there's an arcade.
10:49Definitely not coming. I can't do arcades.
10:51Well, I don't think you have to go to the arcade if you don't want to.
10:54Although, granted, I've not read the whole park rule book.
10:57No.
10:58Oh, God!
11:01So when are you going to boot the useless dickhead out your flat?
11:05What?
11:06A beautiful, smart young woman like you.
11:09Whole world, her oyster.
11:11Shouldn't be shacked up with her old man.
11:14Yeah, well, I've got a baby.
11:16Just don't let that become an excuse.
11:18Oh, pedalo trips off, I'm afraid.
11:23Sewage spillage.
11:24But I have found a shop that sells only purple items.
11:27No.
11:27Eh?
11:28Well, how about this, uh, the fabulous coaster museum?
11:31I think I'll take Sadie to the soft play.
11:33Okay.
11:33Yeah, I think I'm going to go and watch some snooker in the clubhouse.
11:37Good idea.
11:37Oh, listen.
11:38If, um, you know, thingy, uh, comes knocking,
11:41just tell her I've had a change of heart.
11:43She'll accept it from you if you've got very feminine energy.
11:46Sadie.
11:50Sadie.
11:52Mummy's just over here, okay, Sadie?
11:54Mwah.
11:54Mwah.
11:59It's meant to be freezing all weekend.
12:02Can't go for this place, eh?
12:03No.
12:05I don't think they've updated it since the 90s.
12:08Who the fuck is McHammer?
12:09You know, they still end the talent show with everyone singing No Limits.
12:13And even that was a dated reference when I was little.
12:14Oh, my God, you came here as a kid, too?
12:16Mm.
12:17It was miserable.
12:19Charming.
12:20Gemma, my dad booked this.
12:22I honestly think he has Stockholm Syndrome.
12:23He truly remembers us having a great time.
12:25Yeah, my mum loves this place, especially the talent show.
12:29God, I wanted one of those talent show trophies so much when I was little.
12:32Well, I can't imagine you would have had much composition.
12:34What was your talent?
12:35Oh, no, I didn't want to win it.
12:36I just wanted it.
12:37For doing nothing?
12:38Yeah.
12:38Oh, my kind of woman.
12:41Here, Sadie.
12:42Up we go.
12:44Home sweet home.
12:48Oh, God.
12:49Don't worry, Gemma.
12:50I've come to save you from this fucking dreadful holiday.
12:53That expose us a gift.
12:54Well, thank you, but you cannot stay here.
12:57Obviously, you don't want to.
12:58Malcolm stinks of baby sick and wet socks.
13:00Oh, yes, to both of those.
13:02You've got to admit, you've got a great nose.
13:03Did you manage to go and pick me up some clean clothes?
13:05I'm not your fucking handmaiden, Malcolm.
13:07All right.
13:07Yep.
13:14Because there's nothing else to do.
13:15I thought that we could get Sadie addicted to the slotties nice and early.
13:18I told you, I don't do arcades.
13:20Oh, yeah, he doesn't do arcades.
13:22Why?
13:23Is it the lights?
13:23The noises?
13:24The eroticism?
13:27The grabbers.
13:28No, no, no, no, no.
13:33Malcolm, you've got about 30 seconds to knock me out, mate.
13:35Oh, I'm not going to do that, am I?
13:37Then you can only hold yourself to blame for what's about to happen.
13:39I think that's enough now, mate, eh?
14:01I mean, you've been here for three hours.
14:03It's never enough, Malcolm.
14:04That's the problem with the grabbers, isn't it?
14:06Well, Sadie has 15 toys now, so I think that's enough.
14:10Arguably too many.
14:11Why are we watching this jackass playing on the grabber?
14:13Oh, Dad, this is Derek.
14:15He's my friend.
14:15Best friend?
14:16Yeah, best friend.
14:17Yeah, fuck you, platypus.
14:18Fuck you.
14:19Right back into the egg from which you were hatched.
14:22Ow.
14:23Derek, I've got an investment opportunity that is targeted at the sophisticated gentleman.
14:28Ha ha.
14:29Mark's not interested, then.
14:30I'm looking for five smart chaps to come on the sales team for my new energy drink for ladies.
14:35Grandad, no.
14:36Well, he's obviously a moron.
14:37Hey.
14:38Oh, sorry, you're talking about your mummy.
14:40Shut up.
14:41Shut up.
14:41Shut up.
14:42You're all making me lose concentration.
14:44Oh, I've got a surprise for you, though.
14:46Like, turn this holiday around.
14:48What is it?
14:49I've entered you for the talent contest.
14:51Dad, why?
14:52Well, because you always wanted one of those little trophies they give out, didn't you?
14:55Yeah, I wanted one, but I didn't want to have to do anything to get it.
14:57Come on, Gem.
14:58Hey, it might be fun.
14:59Hey.
15:00Fucking 17.
15:01Oh.
15:0218.
15:03Calm down.
15:04Has anyone got a pound?
15:05No.
15:06Has anybody got a pound?
15:13Hey, I've been looking for you.
15:15Are you all right?
15:16Hey, mate.
15:17Have you been here all night?
15:18I thought they closed at 11.
15:19They do.
15:21I've just hidden that tiny children's bus over there, just watching the grabbers, strategizing,
15:28until they came and turned the power back on.
15:31It's probably enough now, eh?
15:32Look, you've got loads.
15:33I do this all the time on family holidays.
15:38Kids thought it was amazing, you know, winning them so many toys.
15:41Yeah.
15:41And then they got a little bit older and realized it was probably symptomatic of a mental illness.
15:48Right.
15:53I don't even know why I bother with these.
15:55What's the point for someone who can't walk?
15:57Oh, God, sorry.
16:01It's fine.
16:03I, too, love taking my boots off and vomiting them.
16:06Usually after a bottle of red, though.
16:09Oh, God.
16:12Ugh.
16:13You dream of that holiday in the boutique hotel with the spa and the Egyptian cotton sheets.
16:19Life hands you a caravan park with sticky tables and a vaping bunny.
16:24Hmm.
16:25My dad sent me for the talent show.
16:27Oh, my God, that's so extra.
16:29Mm-hmm.
16:30I was wondering, do you want to do something together?
16:33I would love that.
16:36No line dancing.
16:37Obviously no line dancing.
16:40I just don't know how to help them, you know.
16:43Well, lucky for you, son, I have a solution.
16:46Meet the lovely Rosetta.
16:48Uh, well, do you two know each other?
16:49We became acquainted recently.
16:51Oh, God.
16:52Do you want my help or not?
16:54Yeah.
16:55It's my friend.
16:56He's addicted, sir.
16:59What the fuck, Malcolm?
17:03You got me tasered.
17:04I'm sorry.
17:05It can be quite pleasant if you hit the right spot.
17:08I bought it on Doubtweb using Bitcoin.
17:09Yeah, it fucking hurts, you psycho.
17:13Oh, my God.
17:20What have you done?
17:24I think it worked.
17:29You're joking.
17:31Thanks, Jackie.
17:33My pleasure.
17:34Hi.
17:35May I?
17:35Yeah, all right.
17:36That's the last one sold to another idiot.
17:53Now, I've just got to wait for the cash to roll in.
17:56My little Gemma, star on the show.
17:59Run, Dad.
18:00We're just doing a duet.
18:01It's nothing amazing.
18:02Everything you do is amazing, Gemma.
18:04And I don't want you ever forgetting that.
18:07Or letting anyone hold you back.
18:09Gotta go.
18:10Charmaine's waiting.
18:12Bye, baby.
18:14Oh, what's that dick pills?
18:16You need something?
18:16Not me, mate.
18:17It's like a stick of rock.
18:19Long, thin and brittle.
18:20I've had many addictions in my time.
18:25And I've beaten them all.
18:27Loves, fags, cars.
18:29You still do all of them?
18:30Yes, but I'm not addicted to them, Malcolm.
18:32I've learned to control them.
18:34You know, I've never been addicted to anything.
18:36Of course you haven't, son.
18:37You're too cautious.
18:38Too afraid of the world.
18:40Just like your mother.
18:42See, I thought with Malcolm getting rid of the shrew,
18:44it would free him up to grab life by the bollocks.
18:47Allow him to sow his wild oats.
18:49My oats are all right where they are, thank you.
18:50But instead, he's up to his arse in nappies
18:52and letting babies use him as a sick bucket.
18:54I don't let her, do I?
18:55You are a disappointment, son.
18:57And I'm only telling you because it's better you know it now
18:59while he can do something about it.
19:06And don't make that noise.
19:11He was doing that when he was five.
19:14Cheers.
19:14Cheers.
19:15Cheers.
19:15Mm.
19:17Oh, hi.
19:19Mm-hmm.
19:20You know, as much as this has been a truly terrible holiday,
19:23I am really glad I met you.
19:24Me too.
19:26Look, this might seem really, I don't know, forward.
19:30You asking me out?
19:32No, you're not my type, babe.
19:33I've never been remotely funny curious, unfortunately.
19:37No, I wondered if you ever heard of this energy drink for ladies called shoes.
19:42Because I have got an amazing investment opportunity for you.
19:47Oh, you mean you're looking for the next idiot to sell to.
19:50Gemma?
19:52He's a con man.
19:54Hmm.
19:55Hey.
19:57Hmm.
19:58Hmm.
19:58Whoo.
19:59Are you excited?
20:00I'm going to bed.
20:01What?
20:01You can't go to bed.
20:02I can.
20:03What are you doing?
20:04Next up we have Gemma and Sean.
20:06Where are you going?
20:07Couldn't help yourself, could you?
20:10No.
20:11Gemma.
20:12Next on the list.
20:13No, I'll have a go.
20:16Do you have a talent?
20:18No.
20:18No.
20:19Hey.
20:19No.
20:20I might do.
20:22Malcolm.
20:22Malcolm.
20:22This is going to be fucking hilarious.
20:24Yes.
20:24Woo.
20:47Yeah.
20:49Woo.
20:50Woo.
20:50Woo.
20:51Woo.
20:52Woo.
20:52Woo.
20:52Woo.
20:52Woo.
20:54Whoa, yes, make some noise.
21:01We have one to beat, girls and boys.
21:06Yes, Malcolm.
21:08Fantastic.
21:09Next up, we have nine-year-old Lin Lee.
21:12That's good.
21:13Woo!
21:16Yeah!
21:20Fuck off.
21:24You all right, love?
21:48Mm-hmm.
21:50Hmm?
21:50I guess it wasn't the best idea, coming on holiday with a small baby, was it?
21:55To be honest, it is harder than just being at home.
21:59Yeah.
22:02I've got something for you.
22:03What?
22:08Dad, did you win?
22:09No, no, I had to bribe a small boy and went on it over.
22:13How much?
22:14Three bin bags full of cuddly toys from the grabbers.
22:17And it over then?
22:18Mm-hmm.
22:20Oh, better wash my socks if I'm getting off, eh?
22:25God.
22:30I'm not saying that I definitely don't want to go back to the salon,
22:33but I have been dabbling with better-paid other employment.
22:36Dabbling?
22:37I've applied for 30 jobs.
22:39Save some for the rest of us, Jesus.
22:41Babe, I haven't got one interview.
22:42Why does nobody want me?
22:44But what qualifications do you have, Miss Maudsgrave?
22:46Well, why the ones you get free from school?
22:49Oh, how common.
22:51Excuse me.
22:51Excuse me.
22:52Sorry.
22:56Oh, my God.
22:57You look amazing.
22:58Should I look amazing?
22:59I've been saving Rhyme Time a rocket until it was really needed.
23:02Excuse me.
23:03We're on the list.
23:04Excuse me.
23:04Excuse me.
23:04We're on the list.
23:05Hiya.
23:05Name?
23:08Oh, Cherry Lewis and Gemma Moskripp.
23:10And you actually have a baby with you?
23:11Otherwise?
23:13That baby belongs to both of us.
23:15We are very much in love.
23:18Don't make me report you to the Equality and Humor Rights Commission.
23:21Me and the EHRC are like that.
23:24Have a lovely Rhyme Time.
23:33Rocky's been at this library every week for the past eight years.
23:36He's an institution.
23:38This has been quite the build-up.
23:40That is Rocky.
23:43Oh, well.
23:51There's always tomorrow.
23:57So, to end the session, we're going to hold our babies tight.
24:03We're going to tell them we love them.
24:05I love you.
24:06I love you.
24:08Namaste.
24:10Namaste.
24:10Right, can I have my baby back now?
24:12Oh, Soz.
24:14Me and you.
24:15Rocky's captivating, isn't it?
24:17Yeah, he is very nice to look at.
24:20But I'm not sure it was entirely necessary for him to be topless during Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star.
24:25Skin-on-skin contact is essential for babies, Gemma.
24:28Yeah, he didn't have a baby with him.
24:32He's coming over.
24:32Oh, my God!
24:33What do I look like?
24:34Give me the baby.
24:34Give me the baby.
24:35No, you take the baby.
24:36No, I'll take the baby.
24:36No, you take...
24:37Shh.
24:37Hi.
24:38Hi.
24:39I used to bring my twins to all your sessions.
24:42But they've started school now, so I can't bring them anymore.
24:45Little bastards.
24:46Aww.
24:48I love babies, me.
24:49Oh?
24:50Yeah.
24:50And I love women who carry babies.
24:53There's something about the female body after childbirth that I just find intoxicating.
25:01Oh.
25:02Oh, my God.
25:09I know.
25:10I love him.
25:13I baked you these.
25:15It's from a Paul Hollywood recipe, you know, not one by a woman.
25:18Yeah, I'll try one later.
25:20So, Malky, are you busy on Friday?
25:22Evening.
25:23No.
25:24How do you know?
25:24Malcolm, the day you have Friday night plans is the day I can finally hold my umbrella
25:28up, float off into the sky to find some other pathetic loser to teach him the ways of being
25:33a great bloke.
25:34Okay, fair enough.
25:35Friday morning, early.
25:37Oh, I'm not sneaking you out of a hotel without paying again.
25:40Took days last time for my anxious tummy to recover.
25:42The Jag needs a service, and the only place I trust with her is a 50-minute drive into the
25:47Peak District.
25:48I thought you might like to tag along.
25:51Can I think about it?
25:51Nope, doesn't need to.
25:53We're in.
25:54Great.
25:55We should have done something like this years ago, Malky.
25:58Me and you, the open road, your pet pillock in the back.
26:05Can I have a word?
26:16Yeah.
26:18I just, I can't stop thinking about you.
26:19We met three minutes ago.
26:23You're trying to tell me you haven't had half the mums in here.
26:25No, I never mix business with pleasure.
26:29And you are all business.
26:34You see, only the ripest ladies make their way to Rocky's bed.
26:37How ripe am I exactly?
26:40You know when a banana's gone really, really brown?
26:42Mm-hmm.
26:42Not that ripe.
26:48So, can I get your number?
26:52Rocky.
26:53Mm-hmm.
26:55She is your baby.
26:58I don't know why you keep pretending she's not.
27:01Are you going to throw us out on the street again?
27:04What do you expect us to do, Rocky?
27:07You're her dad.
27:11Rocky.
27:12You said you loved me, Rocky.
27:14I don't know, I don't know this woman.
27:17What?
27:18So, I've just checked my schedule, and the Peak District is a go-go.
27:24You know what this means, don't you?
27:25Lads on tour.
27:27Lads on tour.
27:29Malcolm in the back.
27:31Derek in the front.
27:32No, I should be in the front.
27:33Shut the fuck up.
27:34Alpha's in the front.
27:36Beta's in the back.
27:37We don't like Sigmas.
27:39They go in the boot.
27:41Come on, cheer up, Malcolm.
27:43We're getting to spend time with your awesome dad.
27:45Look at him.
27:46He's so cool.
27:47He's not, though, is he?
27:49He fucking is.
27:50I think I'm in love with him.
27:51I'd probably kiss him if he asked me.
27:52He's a con man.
27:53And a womanizer.
27:55Someone lobbed that apple very far from the tree, didn't they?
27:59All right, so he was a bit of a dick in the past,
28:02but it feels like this road trip is his way of trying to reconnect with you.
28:05You know, like a bit of father-son bonding.
28:07You think so?
28:08Definitely, mate.
28:10So why are you coming?
28:11Because it's a really cool fucking car, Malcolm.
28:13I want to ride in a really cool car.
28:16Jesus!
28:18Thank God, it was a joke.
28:20You humiliated Rocky.
28:22It's all the libraries never going back after what you just did.
28:25He's a creep who charges 15 quid to sing at babies.
28:28And takes his top off.
28:29Yeah.
28:30You're telling me you really enjoy all that namaste shit?
28:32I do, actually.
28:34Loads of the mums do.
28:36God, you are so judgmental.
28:38And you are overreacting.
28:40Thank God, what's going on with you?
28:42Lance was filed for a divorce.
28:48Peep.
28:50Means he's never coming back.
28:52Do you want him back?
28:54Well, I didn't want to be a divorce mum of two at 25.
28:57Widowed.
28:58Fine.
28:58I'm so sorry.
29:02I just wanted to get dressed up and have fun.
29:05And watch a man get his nips out.
29:07But you've ruined that because Rocky's never going back again.
29:09How can I fix this?
29:13Work it out for yourself.
29:20Oh, look at that for you, eh?
29:22Makes you glad to be alive, doesn't it, Dan?
29:24Malcolm, shut up.
29:27Why did you need me so urgently?
29:29Is this about your appeal?
29:30No.
29:32I've decided.
29:35I'm going to have one of them.
29:38No.
29:38Right, listen.
29:39They've got a really cushy mother and baby unit here.
29:43I'm talking single occupancy cell.
29:46En suite, no bars.
29:48Mother flipping her game.
29:50Hmm.
29:50And how are you going to get pregnant in prison?
29:53You're assuming that none of the women in here have penises.
29:57Okay, JK Rowling.
29:59Okay, fair enough.
30:01Wait, no, that's still a terrible idea,
30:03no matter whose penis it is.
30:04Jamal.
30:07I'm going to have a baby with Gary.
30:08Gary, we've rekindled our relationship.
30:12God, you paid someone to push him off a fire escape.
30:15Yes, I did.
30:17And it is amazing what that kind of experience can do for a person.
30:21Yeah, he is much less pathetic, boring and needy.
30:25Gary is great now.
30:27He is actually quite hot.
30:30Right, well, good for you.
30:32Thanks.
30:33And where do you plan on, you know?
30:35Well, this is where I need you to come up with a plan to get me some day release.
30:39And how am I going to do that?
30:40I was actually thinking, maybe you could have a pretend wedding.
30:47No, I've got it.
30:49Fake funeral.
30:51You're an idiot.
30:53Well, I'm not the reason that Rocky had to quit rhyme time.
30:56How the hell do you know about that?
30:57I told you.
30:58I've been hanging out with the mums.
31:01And those bitches talk.
31:07Jackie Moskrie.
31:10Heard you're back in town.
31:12What?
31:13The doctor's taking another look under your body.
31:15Just visiting.
31:16With these two morons.
31:18Don't you worry about this, pupil.
31:20Well, yeah, she'll be purring like a kitten by the time I've had my way with her.
31:25Definitely going to rub his knob on the car.
31:27Right, lads.
31:28Time for some fun.
31:30It's up to you to get us back to Stockport while the Jag's in the garage.
31:34We can do that.
31:35No problem, Dad.
31:36Can I borrow a hammer?
31:37Easy.
31:38Just call an Uber.
31:45What the fuck, Jackie?
31:47I'm on sim only.
31:48Phone?
31:48Obviously, don't give him your phone, Malcolm.
31:51You're not going to smash it, are you, Dad?
31:52Don't you trust me, son?
32:01I knew you'd do that.
32:02Right.
32:03I want you two to get us back home using your smarts, your ingenuity, your survival skills.
32:10We haven't got any of them.
32:11No phones.
32:12Phones have infantilised us.
32:14Real men don't need phones.
32:16All of my bank cards are on my phone, you fucking maniac.
32:19Yeah, and he pays for everything so I didn't bring any money.
32:22Was this your plan all along, eh?
32:24To keep us stranded on the peaks?
32:25Your grandad once left me at the top of Scaffold Pike with nothing but a compass, three shilling,
32:30and some woodbines.
32:31And that was the making of me.
32:36Yeah, the making of you into a massive arsehole.
32:38Am I right, King?
32:39No.
32:40No, this is good.
32:42I can prove myself to him.
32:44Come on, we can do this.
32:45Oh, get that, will you, Gemma?
33:07I'm on maternity leave.
33:10I'm not asking you to pick it up with your fanny, please.
33:13Oh, I just wish that my best ever salon girlie might come back to work, maybe a few weeks early.
33:20Don't let her rush you, Gemma, love.
33:22That baby will be a middle-aged woman throwing bricks through windows before you know it.
33:27How is your Margaret?
33:27Oh, the antletag's made a world of difference.
33:31How's my little cherub doing?
33:32Yeah, she's okay.
33:34She's had a bit of a cold this week, but she's perking up now.
33:36No, I meant Malcolm.
33:38Oh.
33:38He's in the Peak District with grandad, which is why I need you to look after Sadie for me.
33:41Oh, no, I hope he's okay.
33:43You need to be very careful in the Peak District.
33:45Oh, there's no ice? I checked before they went.
33:47Not ice.
33:48I once saw a roadkill monkey whilst driving through the Peak District,
33:51and I've found the whole area deeply unsettling ever since.
33:54A roadkill monkey?
33:55Yeah, it obviously escaped from one of the science labs.
33:58Who knows what experiments had been done to it,
34:01and what things it had seen,
34:03what intelligence it possessed.
34:04I mean, it might have been trying to get help.
34:06Oh.
34:07Yeah.
34:09You often think about that little monkey.
34:13Okay, be back in an hour.
34:14Where?
34:15Do not touch my baby's hair.
34:19Files about that.
34:20Maybe, maybe you should get a map or something, eh?
34:28Show them that we're making an effort.
34:29Oh, you make loads of effort, Malcolm.
34:31You clean his flat once a week, you cook, you do his laundry,
34:34and you mainly do this while he is out shagging.
34:37All right.
34:38Are you all right, Dad?
34:39Maybe we should just use your mobile, eh, and phone for a taxi?
34:43Are you giving up already, son?
34:44I left my phone at home, and I haven't got any cash on me.
34:48We have been walking for an hour,
34:50we're totally fucking lost, and Malcolm is missing a boot.
34:53Yeah, well, I had to throw something to distract that ball, didn't I?
34:59Maps.
35:00They've got maps.
35:01Wait, it's shut. Why is it shut?
35:02Why is it fucking shut? It's not even lunchtime.
35:04It's not even lunchtime!
35:05Open up, you lazy, work-shy country monkey!
35:08Hey, hey, this one's open.
35:10Oh.
35:14Morning.
35:17Hello.
35:20We're looking for a map.
35:21Oh, yes, we've got lots of maps.
35:23What area do you want?
35:24This area that we're currently and presently located in.
35:27Aye.
35:28A bit lost, are you?
35:29Why the fuck would we need a map if we weren't lost?
35:32Well, most people buy a map before they get lost.
35:38There you go.
35:40Do you know how to read a map?
35:42I'm 35, Malcolm.
35:43I've literally never used a map in my entire life.
35:44You're 35?
35:46Do you know how to read a map?
35:48Davina read all the maps in our house.
35:51We don't know how to read a map.
35:52The art of map reading is a long-forgotten skill.
35:55Hmm, you don't fucking say.
35:56Can Jackie read maps?
35:57Yes, he can.
35:58He can do anything, can't he?
35:59Cash or a card?
36:00Oh, good.
36:02Questione.
36:03Cash or...
36:04Run, Malcolm, run!
36:06I'm sorry!
36:10Run, Dad, run!
36:11Run!
36:11Yes?
36:26Hiya.
36:26Is Rocky in?
36:27Ricky.
36:29No, he's not.
36:30He's at the doctors having his anal fistulas looked at.
36:33You and his girlfriend?
36:34No.
36:35In that case, do come in.
36:37I'm Sue, his mum, my heart.
36:40Hi, Sue.
36:41Yeah.
36:41So many girls come calling for my Ricky.
36:45Fistulas are my way of testing him.
36:47Oh, so he doesn't have them?
36:49Yeah, he does, yeah.
36:50He's got loads of them, loads of them.
36:5270% fistula.
36:54Ouch.
36:55And he's not very fond of babies, if you were thinking of having one with him.
36:59Well, his whole brand is Guy Who Loves Kids.
37:02He doesn't.
37:03Hates them.
37:04Right.
37:05And he's gay, actually.
37:06Mm-hmm.
37:07What, go near a vulva?
37:08As much as I've tried to convince him.
37:10Mommy!
37:11What?
37:11I've hurt my finger on the door again.
37:13Oh, darling.
37:14It's just there.
37:17What do you want?
37:19How did you find me a dress?
37:20I paid someone at the library.
37:22They don't give a shit about GDPR.
37:24And I brought you this.
37:26There's protein bars in there.
37:27I mean, I don't know what you like, but assumed.
37:30Oh, well, I'll leave it to it.
37:32Yeah.
37:34She seems lovely.
37:39Well?
37:41I came to apologise.
37:43Yeah.
37:44You were way out of line.
37:45You were being sleazy.
37:46I wasn't being sleazy.
37:48I was being poetic.
37:51Romantic?
37:52Neither of those, I'm afraid.
37:55But I could have just said no.
37:58Please come back to the library.
38:00They all love you there.
38:04Did they say that?
38:07That they love me?
38:08Yeah.
38:10Who said that?
38:12Everyone.
38:15Okay.
38:18I suppose you think I'm pathetic living with my mother.
38:21No.
38:22I live with my dad.
38:24Not forever, though.
38:26No, I'm not forever.
38:27I bet he doesn't lie about you having anal fistulas so that you never find a partner and leave him.
38:33Does he do that?
38:33No.
38:35He does not do that.
38:37Can I have three singles to the nearest town, please?
38:59You need to download the app.
39:00Oh, my fucking God, no.
39:03It's a cashless system.
39:05What would Bear Grylls do if he had to get the bus?
39:07Bear Grylls doesn't get the fucking bus, Jackie.
39:09He'd pay with snails.
39:11Oh, my God.
39:11Wouldn't he be going to pay with snails?
39:12How about you just take this, and then whatever's left, you can have it for yourself.
39:18Did you steal it?
39:20Yeah.
39:21No.
39:23Okay.
39:24Okay.
39:24Okay.
39:25Okay.
39:26Thanks.
39:27Here you go, eh?
39:28Here.
39:29Here.
39:30How long does it take?
39:32Oh, this is a stoppage service.
39:33They're in about two hours.
39:34Oh, no.
39:35Oh, fucking no.
39:36I'm really hungry.
39:42Actually, son, I've got some berries in my pocket.
39:45Only the berries, Malcolm.
39:46No, if Malcolm ate the berries, then the driver would have to call an ambulance, and that
39:51would take us back to Stockport.
39:53You'd get us home, and that would make me proud.
40:06Spit them out.
40:19Come on.
40:27I am really sorry for not asking about Lance.
40:31I know you are.
40:32Well, it's just been a tough few months, moving here, selling the house.
40:39Rocky holds space for me.
40:41Well, he's agreed to go back to the library.
40:44And I've got something which I think might help make up for me being such a terrible friend.
40:48Box of donuts and some Ollie?
40:49Nope.
40:51A Rhyme Time black card.
40:55Yep.
40:56You can use it whenever you want.
40:58No entrance fees, no baby required.
41:01Oh, my God.
41:01I didn't think these actually assisted.
41:05Use it wisely.
41:06I'm going to use it all the fucking time.
41:09It's not my fault, is it?
41:10I just couldn't hold her in.
41:12And she wouldn't stop the bus.
41:14Okay, shut up.
41:15According to the driver, the nearest town is over there.
41:23Are you all right, Dad?
41:25I'm fine.
41:26Stop fussing.
41:26Yeah, you sure?
41:27You look a bit pale.
41:28Unless it's your tan finally rubbing off.
41:30I said, stop fussing.
41:32Always fussing.
41:35Cooking.
41:36Doing me laundry.
41:37Cleaning.
41:38When did you ever see me clean anything?
41:42Like having another bloody wife.
41:44Pathetic.
41:45I just do those things well for you, don't I?
41:48You'd help me, Malcolm, by being more of a man.
41:52That's all I wanted for him today.
41:55I'm going for a piss.
41:57In a bush.
42:03Come here.
42:05Malcolm, at what point are you going to tell him to go fuck himself?
42:08Never.
42:09He's your bestest friend.
42:10I don't like seeing other people belittle you.
42:13Especially not your father.
42:15Oh, thanks, mate.
42:15No.
42:16Just takes the shine off me doing it.
42:18You're such a massive arsehole.
42:20Hey, what are you doing?
42:21You can't steal them.
42:23I'm not stealing these kayaks, Malcolm.
42:26They belong to me.
42:27I don't think they do.
42:29They're mine.
42:34They were mine all along.
42:36Grab an awl, King.
42:39Going on a friendship adventure.
42:41Dad!
42:44We'd be going faster if you could paddle, Dad.
42:47I'm not paddling.
42:49Yep.
42:50And just how did you think we were going to get home, Jackie?
42:52Steal a car.
42:53Seduce a woman.
42:55Get dropped off by a taxi near the flat.
42:58And run off without paying.
43:00That's not a bad idea, I can't...
43:02Leave it to Malky and the day's a disaster.
43:06Is that a phone?
43:07You had a phone the entire time?
43:10Fucking hypocrite.
43:11You're pathetic, Malcolm.
43:13No wonder Gemma wants out.
43:15What?
43:16Yeah, of course she does.
43:18She might not say it, but she does.
43:21She only lets you live with her because she feels sorry for you.
43:24Nobody wants their kid's pity.
43:26Well, Jesus, Jackie, that's a bit harsh.
43:28I'm not interested in anything you've got to say either.
43:32She deserves a lot better than being stuck with her useless dad.
43:37You're in her way.
43:38Fuck you, Jackie Moskrip.
43:44You've been an awful father to me all my life.
43:47Well, the little time you've spent in it anyway.
43:50You know what?
43:51I pity you.
43:53Yeah.
43:55I pity you.
43:56Living on your own.
43:57Conning everyone you come into contact with.
43:59Your friends, your family, your girlfriends.
44:02Yeah?
44:02Well, my kids want to be near me because they like me.
44:06Yeah, at least one of them does.
44:07You know, and I love you, Dad.
44:08But I don't like you.
44:10So if you want to be with us,
44:12with me and Gemma and Sadie,
44:15then things have got to change, you understand?
44:20Hey!
44:21Malcolm.
44:24Dad!
44:27Malcolm.
44:27Dad!
44:30Dad!
44:31Dad!
44:36Oh, fuck.
44:38I love Rita,
44:39but I can't sweep up hair until the day she dies
44:41when I finally get a go on the scissors.
44:43Well, my career plan is to take Lance
44:45to the fucking cleaners.
44:47Cheating arsehole.
44:48Good plan.
44:52Grandad?
44:55Derek?
44:56Derek?
44:56Derek?
45:01I killed him.
45:11No, you didn't, Malcolm.
45:13The paramedic said it was a heart attack.
45:15Because I shouted at him.
45:17No.
45:19You know what?
45:21Silver lining.
45:22He was probably already dead
45:23before you dropped your long-withheld truth bomb.
45:27Well, that's even worse.
45:28Why would you say that?
45:30Just pretend I didn't say that.
45:31Oh, Gemma.
45:32Oh, Gemma.
45:33Oh, Gemma.
45:38What?
45:38I'm sad as well.
45:40I had to prise his fucking eyes open
45:41to unlock the phone.
45:42Jesus Christ.
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