- 19 hours ago
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00:00What the hell?
00:08Sadie!
00:09Sadie?
00:10Dad?
00:12Oh my God!
00:14Jesus Christ!
00:16I thought she'd been kidnapped.
00:18Well, you wouldn't want to kidnap Sadie.
00:20You wouldn't want to kidnap Sadie.
00:21What's wrong with her? She's perfect.
00:22Whoa, whoa, whoa, alright, love.
00:24Have you had a big coffee down the shops?
00:26Yeah.
00:27Why are all the toys outside?
00:29Because plastic is toxic.
00:31I mean, if Sadie ate that, she'd be in real trouble.
00:33Because of choking?
00:34No, I've thrown out everything that's choked size.
00:36Choking is a hazard.
00:37But ingesting or even touching plastic is catastrophic.
00:40I've been doing some research on the YouTube.
00:42Oh, God.
00:44All plastic is evil.
00:46And I don't want to make the same mistake with Sadie as I made with you and Catherine.
00:49I mean, she's in prison, isn't she?
00:51I know.
00:52But not because she ate the feet off her Barbie.
00:57Or that.
00:58Well, what's she gonna play with now?
01:00Oh.
01:03Ta-da!
01:05That's all I could afford, you know.
01:07They're really expensive.
01:08That's how you know they're good.
01:09What does it do?
01:10Erm...
01:11Well, not everything has to do something, Gemma.
01:13Woo!
01:14Look, she loves it.
01:15Look, look.
01:16Look, little Carl, look.
01:17He's coming round a corner.
01:19What's he doing?
01:29Fucking hell, Gem.
01:31What?
01:32That's the colour that they wear on G-Wing.
01:34They'll have you scrubbing the toilets quicker than you can say I used to be hot.
01:38Yeah, well, the beige hides the milk stains and I am still hot.
01:43You washed your cute pharmacist out yet?
01:46No.
01:47Not yet.
01:49But when I do, you know, never been turned down.
01:52If you're sure that you've still got it...
01:55Got it?
01:56No, I am it.
01:58Then, erm...
01:59Well, you won't mind doing me a teeny tiny favour.
02:04And tugging me solicitor off.
02:06That's not a favour.
02:07That's like, I don't know, a salt.
02:09Oh, no, no.
02:10No, no, no, no, no.
02:12You'll like it.
02:15Can't.
02:17You won't return me calls.
02:18The answer is still no.
02:20The old Gemma would have done it.
02:24No, she wouldn't.
02:27Anyway, just in case you change your mind,
02:29he really likes the sting and the smell of anti-bac gel.
02:35Don't ask me how I know that.
02:37I'm not gonna.
02:46Hiya, baby.
02:47Three lemons and a stick?
02:51Yeah, three organic lemons.
02:52Only the best for my granddaughter.
02:54Stick's not organic, then.
02:55Well, it better be.
02:56It cost me a tenner.
02:59Dad.
03:01I was wondering, how would you feel about babysitting Sadie?
03:04Well, what do you think I've been doing for the last three hours?
03:07No, I mean, like, all night.
03:08Oh.
03:09I kinda miss the old Gemma.
03:12You know, the one who went on dates?
03:14Had fun.
03:16I'd love to.
03:18Can Derek come over?
03:20Absolutely not.
03:30Hiya.
03:32Gemma, you look amazing.
03:35What?
03:36Really?
03:38I've got you a present.
03:40Wow.
03:41Yeah.
03:43It is a yellow box of hypodermic needles.
03:47That's amazing, that.
03:48Gemma, thank you.
03:49Didn't you give birth like six months ago?
03:50Mm-hmm.
03:51People keep hold of these things for years, don't they?
03:53Cos you can't just chuck them in the bing, can you?
03:55No.
03:56No, you can't Gemma.
03:57It's medical waste.
03:58Exactly.
03:59Which is why I did not do that.
04:02Er, look.
04:04Sorry if I've been a bit...
04:06distant lately.
04:08Have you?
04:10Just having a baby's such a big thing,
04:12and I was thinking...
04:15Well, I wasn't...
04:16I wasn't sure,
04:17but I thought maybe you'd want space.
04:20Oh.
04:21What I actually wanted was some very large sanitary pads.
04:26Er...
04:27Yeah, of course.
04:28Of course. Sure.
04:29I'm joking.
04:30It's a joke.
04:31Ha-ha.
04:34Do you want to have a night out soon?
04:37Yeah.
04:39Yeah, I would...
04:40I would absolutely love that.
04:41Me, you and Cherry.
04:43Yeah.
04:44Or just me and you.
04:47Alone.
04:49Erm...
04:50I should've told you who'd seen someone else.
04:52I only found out myself a few days ago
04:54when I popped in from our knit shampoo.
04:55Yeah, it's fine.
04:56I'm fine.
04:57I'm fine.
04:58I'm fine.
05:00It's okay not to be fine.
05:03I missed my chance, didn't I?
05:04Did I ever even have a chance?
05:06Xander was really into you, trust me.
05:08He just...
05:10moved on.
05:12Fucking hell.
05:14I mean, I just had a baby.
05:15I know.
05:16Meant that very simple creatures.
05:20All right, King?
05:21I bought supplies.
05:22Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
05:23Shut the door.
05:26Right, come on.
05:27Don't you just help me?
05:28Okay.
05:29So...
05:31Wow.
05:33This...
05:34is my weapons-grade pulling dress, okay?
05:36I wore this on my best-ever night out,
05:38which we will be recreating tonight
05:39down to the very last detail.
05:41I just want to snog someone really fit.
05:44And that.
05:45Shush, shush, shush.
05:46You better stop shushing me.
05:47Do you know I find it triggering?
05:48And you do know that baby's not asleep, don't you?
05:52Gemma doesn't want you here.
05:54Fucking...
05:55bitch!
05:56Hey!
05:57Not in front of Sadie.
05:58She's going to have to learn sometime, Malcolm.
06:01Anyway, I bought supplies.
06:02Yeah, I don't drink around the baby, do I?
06:04It's not booze.
06:06I got you a really big tub of nappy creme.
06:09Does it have plastic in it?
06:11You know what? I don't know.
06:18Oh, what's he like?
06:19What's he like?
06:20What's he like?
06:21If you want me to go, just say.
06:22Just stay here until Gemma's gone, all right?
06:25Now, get that dog.
06:30You're complicit now, Sadie.
06:33I'm not ready to go through that again.
06:35Took me a year to even look at Lance's torch
06:37after I gave birth.
06:38TMI, babe.
06:39And when I did, it was another eight weeks
06:41before I could even touch it.
06:42Okay.
06:43Am I forgetting anything?
06:44Oh, passport.
06:45Yes.
06:46I was joking.
06:48Well, no, we're not going to leave the country,
06:49but we might hire a yacht.
06:50In Stockport?
06:52Yeah, the old Gemma did it.
06:53Twice.
06:55Ooh.
06:56Do you want to pump those bad boys before we head out?
06:58Are you kidding?
06:59These are working for me tonight.
07:01Okay, so,
07:02if you want to take her for a walk in the morning,
07:04you've got nappies,
07:06wipes, spare clothes.
07:10I don't think I need that, love.
07:12And if there are any problems...
07:15Yeah, don't worry, I'll just call you.
07:16No, I was going to say,
07:17can you try and sort them out yourself?
07:19Er, yeah, sure.
07:21Not if it's an emergency,
07:22but try not to call if you can't find the cheese grater,
07:24or scissors,
07:25or batteries for the new remote.
07:27Yeah.
07:28Oh, yeah.
07:29Okay.
07:30I mean, how much trouble can one man and a baby get into
07:32sat in a flat all night?
07:34Fire, flood,
07:35baby drinks bleach.
07:36Right, shut up.
07:39Hiya.
07:40Right, ladies.
07:42Right.
07:43Hey, pizza time.
07:44You know what?
07:45I'm feeling a bit adventurous,
07:46so I might have that one with the egg on it.
07:48Ah, yeah,
07:49I should have said sooner, boss man.
07:50We're going out.
07:51What?
07:52No, no.
07:53Me and Sadie are not leaving this flat.
07:56No way.
08:00So this kitten we're going to pick up,
08:02do you think it'd be all right with Sadie?
08:04You know, what if she gets a rash?
08:05You still got that creme?
08:07Yeah,
08:08I might have been fibbing about the kitten.
08:10Oh!
08:12You!
08:13Oh, turn this car around!
08:14Yeah, you know I'm not going to do that, Malcolm.
08:16Gosh!
08:17I've got one job,
08:18and that's to look after Sadie,
08:19and to have coins for parking.
08:21Relax,
08:22it's not like I'm taking us all abseiling, is it?
08:27All right, look.
08:28My eldest has informed me that her mother
08:32is getting remarried,
08:33and tonight is the engagement party.
08:35Oh, mate.
08:36I'm sorry.
08:37Obviously, I don't give a fuck.
08:39Okay.
08:40Get your hands off me.
08:41All right.
08:43Why am I and Sadie here?
08:44You two are here to help me ruin her night,
08:47just like she ruined my life.
08:55Oh, British tapas.
08:56Yeah, this place might have changed a bit.
09:03Oh, it's giving banka wonka.
09:05Oh, sorry I'm late.
09:07I'll catch up.
09:08Three of those, please.
09:09No problem.
09:10Rita?
09:11Mm?
09:12They're not ours.
09:13Do?
09:16Have you had some tea?
09:17You know, lined your stomach?
09:19Well, my plan was to grab a chipped butty on the way here,
09:22but I got myself accidentally locked in a park.
09:24The only thing to eat was litter and pine cones,
09:26and that's not a good tea by anyone's standards.
09:28You got locked in the park.
09:30Yeah.
09:31But I'm fine now.
09:32Do you want to tell us what happened then?
09:34Not every single element of my life is up for grabs
09:36as an anecdote.
09:38Right, I thought we'd start with white Russians.
09:39Ooh!
09:41Boozy milkshake.
09:42Yum.
09:44What's up, Jenna, love?
09:46Hey.
09:47You said milk.
09:49Oh.
09:50Oh.
09:51Sadie's feeding time.
09:53Babe, we can go if you wanna.
09:55This place is mid.
09:56I don't wanna go.
09:57No, you know what?
09:58I haven't had any action for months.
10:00I am not leaving here until I've been felt up,
10:02at the very least.
10:03Mm.
10:04Yeah.
10:05Why don't you ask your dad for a photo?
10:06Oh, yes, please.
10:07Make sure he gets his chest staring.
10:08Of the baby!
10:10We can have both!
10:11Hey, come on!
10:12I wanna get battered.
10:13Slow down.
10:14Sorry.
10:15Christ.
10:16This is gonna be a right fun night, isn't it?
10:19I'm not sure about this, mate.
10:20Okay, Malcolm.
10:21Once again, you're being a massive pussy.
10:22Don't let me down.
10:23Come on.
10:24This is life or death.
10:25It's all right, my love.
10:26It's all right.
10:27Granddad's here.
10:32Derek.
10:33Derek, I'm just a bit worried, you know,
10:34that she...
10:35she might see something a bit untoward or something.
10:37Oh, Malcolm.
10:38Grow up.
10:39It's a family boozer, not a strict club.
10:41Okay, this is our little secret, okay?
10:45Don't tell your mum about this.
10:47Good girl.
10:50There's a dog in here.
10:51There's a massive dog in here.
10:53All right.
10:54Degsy.
10:55So where's this engagement party, then?
10:57Wrong red lion, mate.
10:58Look, Deb's left it here.
11:00This is our red lion.
11:01Not anymore.
11:02She's changed.
11:03She likes feta cheese now.
11:05Oh!
11:06You son of a bitch!
11:08Oh, God!
11:10It's from Gemma.
11:11She wants a photo of Sadie and we're not in the flat, are we?
11:15Jesus Christ, Malcolm.
11:16She's not expecting a picture of her baby perched on the fucking cooker, is she?
11:19Yeah.
11:20Just get in really tight.
11:21Give it in.
11:22Give it in.
11:23Go on, go on.
11:24There you go, see?
11:25Right up close.
11:26Piece of piece.
11:27Can we go home now?
11:28There are six other red lions within a half hour's driving distance of Deb's new place.
11:32So, we'd better crack on.
11:33Cheers, Gav.
11:34Cheers.
11:35Oh, Deb's barred, by the way.
11:36Consider it done.
11:39All right.
11:40Shh.
11:43Is that my baby's nose?
11:45Can you take it in a cupboard?
11:47Proper one, please.
11:50Right, come on.
11:52So tell me, whatever happened on this best ever night out?
11:55Oh.
11:56Okay.
11:57So, I drank cocktails.
11:58Oh.
11:59I danced until dawn.
12:00I watched the sun rise with a very gorgeous personal trainer called Mason, who months
12:04later gave me an STI.
12:05But we'll skip over that bit.
12:07Mason Groves?
12:08Oh my God, you know him.
12:09Only by reputation.
12:11My mate works at Knob Clinic.
12:20This is the last red lion we're going into, you understand?
12:23Yeah, you said that three red lions ago.
12:25Sadie's tired.
12:26And I need to change her.
12:28Is that a baby?
12:29Yeah.
12:31Why?
12:32Why is it a baby?
12:33Why'd you bring a baby in here?
12:35Um...
12:37Is there possible anywhere I could change a nappy?
12:40There's no ladies' toilet.
12:42There are no ladies.
12:44There's no ladies.
12:48I think...
12:50The gents, I don't know.
12:51Okay.
12:53I'd better go and check it out first, all right?
12:55All right, I'll wait here.
12:56Yeah, I'll take it.
12:57What are you doing?
12:58There could be men in there, couldn't there?
13:00Hurry up.
13:01Come on.
13:02Come on.
13:03Come on.
13:18I...
13:19I wouldn't go in there, mate.
13:21Well, the seat's made of plastic.
13:22And caked in shit.
13:23Oh!
13:24Oh, God.
13:29Ooh!
13:31Dad, I asked you for a proper picture ages ago.
13:34Wait, where are you?
13:36I'm in the flat, obviously.
13:40Who's with you?
13:42Is Derek there?
13:43No, no.
13:44It's, um...
13:45Foz.
13:47Foz?
13:48Hi, Foz.
13:49What are you doing with my dad?
13:51I'm having a piss.
13:53Are you joking?
13:54Yeah.
13:55Oh, actually, he's not joking, no.
13:56Foz is a mate from work and he's just come round to use the toilet
13:58cos his is broken, you know, so we're just in the bathroom.
14:01You're in there with him?
14:02Yeah, just, you know, showing him the bathmat.
14:05Anyway, Sadie was asleep, but she's awake now,
14:07so I'll send you some photos, all right?
14:09Okay, see you later.
14:10Oh, God.
14:13I think I got away with that.
14:15Gonna finish my piss now?
14:17Oh, yeah.
14:18Yeah, no problem.
14:19All right.
14:23Why does your dad look absolutely terrified?
14:25Ooh.
14:27Oh, that him is nice.
14:30That's a yucca plan, is it?
14:32I don't know where a skinny lad.
14:35Oh, yeah.
14:36Yeah, you're right.
14:40Mmm.
14:43Now that is a tasty snack.
14:45Oh, if you're getting your snack, Gemma,
14:47I would love some peanuts.
14:48Yeah.
14:53Bye!
14:54Hey.
14:55Hi.
14:56Is your friend okay?
14:57Mm-hmm.
14:58She's not had any tea, so...
15:01I'm Hodge.
15:03Paul Hodgson.
15:04People call me Hodge.
15:05I'm Gemma.
15:06People call me Gemma.
15:08Ah!
15:09Ow!
15:11You have an heart attack.
15:13Well, let's hope so.
15:15So, tell me about yourself, then.
15:17Well, I'll work in...
15:18Actually, no, I can't do that.
15:19I need to whimper.
15:22Jerry!
15:23Oh, yeah.
15:28Hi.
15:29Hey, babe.
15:30My boobs are about to explode.
15:31Oh, right.
15:32Are they fake?
15:33You're bellend.
15:34They're full of milk.
15:35Oh, my God.
15:36Why?
15:37She's just had a baby and she's missed a feed.
15:38How do I make it stop?
15:39You need to get the milk out.
15:40Erm...
15:41Shall I get a pen lid and a knife?
15:43Why?
15:44Like when people's throats swell up,
15:45stab the pen lid in and release the pressure.
15:48You want to perform a tracheotomy on her tears?
15:50Well, I don't know.
15:51How do men know so little about the female body?
15:54Come on, babe.
15:55What are you talking about?
15:57I'm coming.
15:58Just pick me back.
15:59Right.
16:00That's it.
16:01I'm calling the cab.
16:02Well, can I borrow Sadie, then?
16:04Oh, what?
16:05I'll bring her back?
16:06Why did you even drag us along tonight, eh?
16:12The plan was...
16:14to turn up at the engagement party
16:16and pretend I'd had a baby
16:17with a much younger, fitter,
16:19less of a massive bitch woman.
16:21And who was I in all this?
16:23Personal assistant?
16:26I know.
16:27I know it's stupid.
16:28I just...
16:29I wanted Debs to think
16:30that I was doing great without her
16:31and I wasn't some...
16:34sad loser.
16:36Oh, mate.
16:38Come on.
16:39You're not a sad loser.
16:41Oh, finally.
16:42The fucking kids are giving me the actual address.
16:44Let's go, Mugs.
16:45Let's go.
16:46Look, I'm gonna change her first, though, okay?
16:48All right.
16:49All right, come on.
16:50You need to self-express, babe.
16:54Are you generally massaging your breasts?
16:56No, I'm punching them with bricks.
16:59She shouldn't even be here.
17:00She should be at home with her baby.
17:03Who the fuck asked your opinion?
17:06Are you starting on me?
17:07Oh, once I start...
17:09Oh, well...
17:10There's been a complaint.
17:11Miss?
17:14Yeah, no milking in here.
17:16I need you to leave.
17:17What?
17:18Did you grasp?
17:21Oh, no, it's Gemma.
17:23Dad?
17:24We're coming home.
17:25No, no.
17:26Don't do that.
17:27Yes, I do need to do that
17:28because I need to pump.
17:30Disgusting.
17:31Oh, my God.
17:32Are you not at the flat?
17:34What?
17:35Where are you?
17:36I'm in Derek's car.
17:37We're going to the Red Lion.
17:38Which Red Lion?
17:39We'll drop you a pin.
17:40Do join us, Gemma.
17:42Oh, fucking you.
17:43I'm sorry.
17:44Don't apologise.
17:47Oi, Rita.
17:48Are you coming or what?
17:50Oh, get me a Bacardi and Coke
17:52and I'll catch you up.
17:55Eh?
17:56Don't touch my hair, Nata.
17:57Yes, Mummy.
18:08Right.
18:09Oh, yeah.
18:10Give me that bag.
18:11Yeah, I can explain.
18:12Ow.
18:13See, it's so painful.
18:14Erm.
18:15OK.
18:16So, here's the plan.
18:17No, there is no plan.
18:18OK.
18:19I need to express this incredibly painful milk
18:21and pour it down the sink
18:23because it's probably 30% Chardonnay
18:24and then I'm probably going to put it down the sink
18:25because it's probably 30% Chardonnay
18:27and then I'm taking my baby home.
18:29OK.
18:30So, here's the plan.
18:31No, there is no plan.
18:32OK.
18:33I need to express this incredibly painful milk
18:34and pour it down the sink
18:35because it's probably 30% Chardonnay
18:37and then I'm taking my baby home.
18:38OK?
18:39Disable toilets?
18:40At least you get your own sink.
18:41Yeah.
18:42Why are you so spiteful?
18:43You can't just give me two fucking minutes
18:44to go find my ex-wife, bring her over
18:46and introduce you as my hot new girlfriend, can you?
18:48Have you lost your fucking mind?
18:50Gemma, everyone says we'd make a great couple.
18:53Malcolm says it all the time.
18:55Would it hurt just to play along?
18:58I mean, Deb's is a real bitch.
19:00Apparently.
19:04Derek!
19:05You made it!
19:06You invited me?
19:07Yeah, of course I did.
19:08Ages ago.
19:09But did you not get it?
19:11Andy's been eating the mail.
19:13Who the fuck do you two hang around with?
19:16Me and the kids have been a bit worried about you.
19:18I'm fine.
19:20Oh.
19:22Hello.
19:23Oh, who's this gorgeous little thing?
19:26Sadie.
19:27Oh.
19:28She is my new daughter.
19:29Oh, we're not doing that, are we?
19:30Mm-hmm.
19:31And this is her mother,
19:32my beautiful fiancé, Cherry,
19:34who is also really fucking hot
19:35and not a total harpy.
19:37Fiancé?
19:38Don't fucking dare.
19:40And this is my bodyguard, Malcolm.
19:44Kevin Coaster.
19:45Malcolm, Kevin Coaster.
19:47Okay.
19:48Well, it's an improvement on last time we saw you, eh?
19:55See that?
19:56Total fucking bitch.
19:58She seems really nice.
20:01Are you sure she's a bitch, mate?
20:05She's wonderful.
20:07She's the love of my life and I messed it up, Malcolm.
20:09There you go, mate. There you go.
20:11Come on.
20:12What?
20:13You know what to do, don't you?
20:14Yeah.
20:15Yeah.
20:24Hello.
20:25So much for a fun night out.
20:28It's been pretty shit.
20:30Did you ever miss your life before the twins?
20:32Oh, God.
20:33I did at first.
20:34When you're in the thick of it,
20:35you're thinking,
20:36what have I done?
20:37Why two at the same time?
20:38That's not.
20:39And can I leave the one that does not stop crying under a bush?
20:44But when you realise
20:46you're their entire universe,
20:50there is no going back to your old life.
20:53More importantly,
20:56you don't want that.
20:58Thanks.
21:02If it helps,
21:03I really like you, Gemma.
21:06And Sadie,
21:07fucking adores her.
21:13Oh, God.
21:18Oh, my God.
21:20Dad!
21:24No, it's okay.
21:25It's fine.
21:26They're not made out of plastic.
21:32Wanna like it before the police turn up?
21:33Yeah.
21:35God, come on.
21:37Sorry, Debs.
21:39Fuck you, Marcus.
21:56Hello, Tiff.
21:57We're coming.
21:58And we'll see you then.
21:59We'll see you then.
22:00Okay.
22:01Bye.
22:02Bye.
22:03Bye.
22:05Bye.
22:06Bye.
22:11Bye.
22:13Bye.
22:16Bye.
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