- 7 hours ago
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00:00I'm pregnant!
00:01Is there someone who can go along with you?
00:02My mum's just ran off with her and my dad's savings.
00:04My sister's on remand.
00:05I won't be judged by a woman who tried to have her fiancé murdered.
00:08Tried and failed.
00:09Oh my God!
00:11It's my coat, isn't it?
00:13Why can't you behave like a fully grown adult?
00:15Which lucky tosser did you pick as your birth partner in the end?
00:17Look at that!
00:18You know, I reckon I could get my head through that.
00:20You think you can fit your head through your daughter's cervix?
00:22Having a baby is like being love-bombed by your own DNA.
00:25You're not good enough for her!
00:28What the fuck is that?
00:29It's a restart.
00:30Dad, it's happening!
00:34There's a visitor for you, Gemma.
00:36Do you want her?
00:38I am born.
00:47I thought you'd never ask me out on a date.
00:49What gave you that impression?
00:51The many, many times you never asked me out.
00:54I was...
00:57just worried.
00:58Things might change after you had the baby.
01:03What baby?
01:11What the fuck?
01:13No.
01:14Oh God.
01:15I'm gonna order some more drinks.
01:17Yeah.
01:18Excuse me, mate.
01:19Yeah.
01:20Yeah.
01:21Yeah, I did.
01:22Yeah.
01:23Sadie!
01:28What are you doing down there?
01:30It's okay.
01:32It's okay.
01:33Dad?
01:34It's okay.
01:35Dad?
01:36It's okay.
01:37It's okay.
01:38Dad?
01:39What?
01:40It's okay.
01:41It's okay.
01:42It's okay.
01:43It's okay.
01:44It's okay.
01:45It's okay.
01:46It's okay.
01:47It's okay.
01:48It's okay.
01:49It's okay.
01:50It's okay.
01:51It's okay.
01:52It's okay.
01:53It's okay.
01:54It's okay.
01:55It's okay.
01:56It's okay.
01:57It's okay.
02:00The baby's crying, love.
02:02Oh, is she?
02:03Thanks.
02:04She's very, very loud.
02:06Have you just got in?
02:08I've been out entertaining my wonderful butcher friend, the sausage man.
02:12So things are getting serious with the sausage man, then?
02:14Sausage men are never serious, Gemma.
02:16They drift in and out of one's life like the wind.
02:19Yeah, that's famously what sausage men do.
02:22In all the romantic sausage poems.
02:24Are you hungry?
02:25Because he could knock you up a sandwich in no time.
02:28He's here.
02:29Yeah.
02:30Hiya, Gemma.
02:31Mum, we had a conversation about this.
02:34He turned up with a massive pack of chops, Gemma.
02:36I'm not going to say no.
02:37No.
02:38Get him to leave.
02:39Now.
02:40You need to keep your stress levels down while you're feeding.
02:43Don't want your milk to taste bitter.
02:48Come here, you.
02:50Oh, now that is a big bit of meat.
02:55Thin walls work both ways.
03:03Malcolm.
03:06Malcolm.
03:11What is it?
03:12What is it saying?
03:13What's the matter?
03:14How the fuck should I know?
03:15Malcolm.
03:16I told you not to sleep up here between the hours of 7am and 11pm.
03:19Yeah, I'm sorry.
03:20I just couldn't get to sleep last night.
03:21There was a big complicated fight over some crab paste.
03:24I don't want to get involved yet.
03:25Malcolm.
03:26Sleeping men produce a terrible odour.
03:30Ow!
03:31And you know I'm trying to run a top-class professional establishment here.
03:36Derek.
03:37The door's broken again.
03:39Oh, for fuck's sake, Lawrence.
03:42Don't you think I have enough fucking admin on my hands without having to worry about fixing every single fucking broken fucking door in this place?
03:52The front door.
03:53Oh, the front door.
03:54Oh, the front door.
03:55I'm sorry.
03:56Why didn't you say?
03:57Jesus Christ!
03:59What?!
04:00I, me and the others, we don't think it's fair that Malcolm stays for free and we all pay rent.
04:11Go away, you pathetic piece of shit.
04:21He's right, mate.
04:22Oh, come on.
04:23You're gonna have to start chipping in.
04:25Otherwise, they're just gonna set fire to your sleeping bag and throw it down the bin chute.
04:29I've seen it before.
04:30I mean, it's been three months.
04:31I thought Davina would have left by now.
04:35Do you want me to put some MDF over the front door?
04:38Eh?
04:39Stop strange men getting in.
04:40Malcolm.
04:43We are the strange men.
04:51Oh, my God, I am so tired.
04:55Why?
04:56Aren't you just supposed to sleep when she sleeps?
04:59Oh, yeah.
05:00I'll just curl up in a ball here, shall I?
05:01Why don't Mum help you with a baby?
05:03The baby has a name.
05:05Yeah.
05:07Brenda.
05:08Fuck's sake.
05:10Right, so, don't take this the wrong way, but Gemma, you look like shit.
05:17Me?
05:18Yeah.
05:19Yeah, you've got grills.
05:20Yeah.
05:21How did you even get grills?
05:22I made it.
05:24Out of a Bakewell tart tray.
05:27I've got me own little accessory side hustle in here.
05:30It's like Etsy, but with knuckle dusters.
05:32It's good to have career goals.
05:33Hey!
05:34Ow!
05:35Fuck's sake, Gemma.
05:36You fuck up, Brenda.
05:37Oh, the wanderer finally returns.
05:38Oh, there we go.
05:39How's your downstairs doing?
05:40Yeah, my downstairs is fine, Rita. I had a C-section.
05:44Well, how's your upstairs doing?
05:45Oh, still tender.
05:46Oh, wait till you get to my age. Everything's tender. Upstairs, downstairs, front and back.
05:52Well, you need to be very careful, Gemma, because one of my ladies who had a caesarean, well, baby couldn't have been more than a fortnight at all when she saw that picture of a cat who looks like Phil Foden and laughed so hard, the scar just tore open and her innards fell out, splat, right on to the back.
06:21Right on to her thighs.
06:23She had to take herself off to her knee, carrying her bits in her Tesco bag.
06:28Thanks, but I think I'm past the innards in her shopping bag phase now.
06:34Were you very tired?
06:36Yeah.
06:37I've not had more than two hours' continuous sleep since Sadie was born.
06:40I thought your mum had moved in.
06:42Yeah, she has.
06:43She was great at first, although that might have been the painkillers.
06:46Now, three months later, I'm not so into it.
06:48And, er, what's Malcolm been up to?
06:51He's too scared to come over while Mum's there, so I've not seen much of him.
06:55Rita, what's this?
06:57Well, speaking of your father, these are my new erotic mugs, Gemma.
07:01This is a sexy man's chest with a willy for a handle.
07:04He's make no sense anatomically. Why has he got a giant-sized penis coming out of his ribcage?
07:08I'm trying to become one of those places hem parties go to.
07:12You know, nails, brows, cocks.
07:14Rita, you don't know the first thing about nails or brows.
07:20I do know about cocks, though.
07:22That was the implication.
07:23I bet you've been around a few cocks, haven't you, Winnie?
07:26Oh, it brings back memories, this, Rita.
07:28Winnie, you mucky bitch.
07:30Erm, would you judge a man for wearing pink deodorant?
07:35Probably.
07:40Oh, shit.
07:41Dad?
07:42Are you hiding?
07:43Is your mother with you?
07:45No.
07:46Well, then I'm not hiding, am I?
07:49Oh, God.
07:50Oh, God, she's grown up so much, hasn't she? Look at her, she's massive.
07:55Grandad's a little beefcake on you.
07:57Oh, she misses you.
07:58Oh, I miss her as well.
08:01Jesus, you're all right, love.
08:02You look knackered.
08:04You getting enough sleep?
08:05Yeah, just a rough night.
08:07All right.
08:09How's the sad man bed sit?
08:11Hey, yeah, great. Yeah, I love it there.
08:12Mm-hmm.
08:13Back in your old room?
08:14Yeah, well, almost, you know.
08:16Definitely within spitting distance, anyway.
08:19How are things with your mum?
08:22Great she's there, huh?
08:23Yeah.
08:24Mm-hmm.
08:26Would you judge a man for wearing pink deodorant?
08:29I don't think it's pink when you put it on.
08:31Oh, God.
08:33No, no, no.
08:35You don't.
08:37Grab me one of those, actually.
08:38Christ, Jimmy, Mum's still being a nightmare.
08:46Tell you what, I'm coming over.
08:48You jump in the shower.
08:49I'll get Sadie off to sleep.
08:51Oh, I'm not being funny, babe.
08:53I'm not going through your laundry and your dirty knickers.
08:55Mm-hmm.
08:56Special eats?
08:57Mum's room, but I'm not allowed in there.
08:59She said very firmly I was not to go in there.
09:02We are definitely going in there.
09:03Okay.
09:10What do you think she's hiding?
09:12God knows.
09:13But if you see a man holding sausages, promise me you won't scream.
09:16What the fuck?
09:17Oh, my God.
09:22What a bougie bitch.
09:24She's punishing me, isn't she?
09:26For being a dick when I was a newborn.
09:28Well, she's waited 25 years and this is her revenge.
09:32No!
09:33I'll get it, and whoever it is, I'll tell him to fuck off.
09:36You just lie down and get some rest, yeah?
09:38No!
09:39Oh, no!
09:40I didn't want to keep messaging, so I finally just came over.
09:53I've got presents for you and for Sadie.
09:57Sand, mate, Sadie's having a nap.
10:01I wasn't expecting her to give me a catwalk or anything.
10:03Oh, well...
10:06Oh, you want me to leave?
10:09Well, it's the only time that I can actually get some sleep.
10:12I mean, look at the state of Earth.
10:13Fuck off.
10:14Well, erm...
10:16Another time?
10:18Erm, another time?
10:20Sure.
10:21Soz.
10:22How are we gonna get rid of your ex?
10:35Well, we have to.
10:36I mean, you know, I think Gemma likes having her mum around, so...
10:39Aww.
10:40I don't give a fuck.
10:42I need you off that landing before there's a mutiny, Malcolm.
10:46We could...
10:48No, you'd never go for it.
10:50What?
10:52We could inform MI6 that Davina's been grooming kids into joining Alkalita.
10:57No.
11:01No.
11:02Nah, nah, I didn't think you'd go for it.
11:04I did come up with some other ideas while I was on the bog.
11:06You know, if it did move back in with Gemma, it'd be best if it didn't seem to be my idea, you know?
11:11Spoken like a true soy boy.
11:16Nice job.
11:18Wait, how do we get in now?
11:20It's like a calf flap.
11:22A bop.
11:23For fellas.
11:24That is...
11:26...absolutely...
11:27...fucking genius!
11:28Ha, ha!
11:31Shall I go?
11:32After you.
11:33OK.
11:34The maiden voyage?
11:35Yeah.
11:36Meow!
11:39You know what doesn't need sterilising?
11:42Tits.
11:43Yeah.
11:44Well, she gets plenty of breast milk.
11:46I just use formula sometimes because it helps me out.
11:49Oh.
11:50It's all about her, isn't it?
11:52Selfish mummy.
11:53Baby wants nip-nip.
11:55I absolutely destroyed my breasts for you and Catherine.
11:58And it's only right and fair you do the same.
12:00God, Mum, you must be desperate to get back out there.
12:03See the world.
12:05More of it.
12:06New bits of it.
12:08I'm not going anywhere, Gemma.
12:09You need me.
12:11Oh.
12:12Oh, God, that is a smelly one.
12:13OK.
12:14Well, can you change her?
12:15Cos I've got to finish this.
12:16Sorry, love, I can't.
12:17I'm off for a bikini wax.
12:19Full Hollywood.
12:20Do you know, I never used to bother, but it's expected these days.
12:23I had a dalliance with a 28-year-old and he shrieked when he saw my thatch.
12:27Oh, my God.
12:28Used to be different, of course.
12:29When I had Catherine, the midwives told me to keep it as full as possible.
12:33You know, to clean her on the way out, like those big brushes at the car wash.
12:38Is that what they told you?
12:39Do you know, never once got brought up.
12:42And I won't be home for dinner.
12:44But it's your turn to cook.
12:45I have got you some slim fast so you can make a start on shifting that baby weight.
12:50My cousin was eight stone one month after giving birth.
12:54Because she was in a coma.
12:55I know.
12:56Intensive care did wonders for her waistline.
12:59I was quite jealous.
13:00Love ya.
13:02Love ya.
13:05Oh, baby.
13:06Should we kill Nana?
13:09Should we kill Nana?
13:11Yeah.
13:12Yeah.
13:16Should we kill Nana?
13:21Or should we kill Mummy instead?
13:23What if Gemma doesn't want me to move back in with her?
13:26Dad?
13:27Gemma?
13:28I can't take living with Mum anymore.
13:29How do I get in?
13:31Use the flap!
13:32Use the flap!
13:33Don't be ridiculous.
13:35Alright, come round the back, but don't tell anyone there's a door there!
13:41It's my door.
13:42Go round the back!
13:43Round the back!
13:44Round the back!
13:45Woah!
13:46Is this where you've been staying?
13:47Eh, now I've got an air bed under London.
13:48My personal private space is very important to me.
13:49Especially at night.
13:50Mm-hmm.
13:51Why's that?
13:52He plays Minecraft.
13:53Shut the fuck up.
13:54So, what is on the list of ways to get rid of Davina?
13:55Well, er, she's allergic to tomatoes.
13:56Okay, good.
13:57So, we make her something, with tomatoes, erm, a soup, perhaps.
13:59Then she ends up unconscious.
14:00Oh!
14:01Oh!
14:02Oh!
14:03Oh!
14:04Oh!
14:05Oh!
14:06Oh!
14:07Oh!
14:08Oh!
14:09Oh!
14:10Oh!
14:11Oh!
14:12Oh!
14:13Oh!
14:14Oh!
14:15Oh!
14:16Oh!
14:17Oh!
14:18Oh!
14:19Oh!
14:20Oh!
14:21Oh!
14:22Oh!
14:23Oh!
14:24So, we gaslight her into thinking that she never even lived at Gemma's and it was a dream
14:29all along.
14:30Er, yeah, but it's only a mild allergy.
14:31It just makes her tongue itch.
14:32Oh, for fuck's sake.
14:33She's also allergic to horses.
14:35Oh, yeah.
14:36Excellent.
14:37Okay, I can work with that.
14:38Do you mean eating or hanging out with?
14:40Hanging out with.
14:41Great.
14:42So, here's what we do.
14:44We, erm, fill the flat with horses.
14:48Erm, three horses.
14:50Four horses?
14:51No.
14:52Okay.
14:53That's a decent tack.
14:54Er, what is she afraid of?
14:57Love.
14:58Emotional intimacy.
14:59Yeah.
15:00Brian.
15:01Yes, Degsy, mate.
15:03Yeah, yeah, I know.
15:04I think I've got an idea.
15:06Oh, come on, then.
15:09What are you thinking?
15:11Okay.
15:12So, the only thing in the world that my mother is afraid of is getting back together with Dad.
15:21Yeah.
15:22Which is why he's gonna propose to her.
15:24Propose what?
15:25Propose marriage.
15:27No way.
15:28Oh, God.
15:29How much sleep did you get last night?
15:30All in one go.
15:3137 minutes.
15:32And I feel pretty fucking amazing, actually.
15:34This is a good idea.
15:35Okay?
15:36This is a good idea.
15:37I mean, has anyone got a better idea?
15:38Oh, no, no.
15:39It's a great idea, love.
15:40It's a great idea.
15:42It's a shit idea.
15:43Any idea we've got, so let's go with it.
15:45Thank you, Derek.
15:46God, I knew you'd have faith in me.
15:47All right, don't overdo it.
15:48Has she seen her GP recently?
15:50Can't do it.
15:52I need you off my landing, Malcolm.
15:54And I need her out.
15:55Come on.
15:56Come on.
15:57Come on.
16:03I don't want to do this.
16:06What about those horses?
16:07Are they still available?
16:08Sure, you can bail, Malcolm.
16:10But the guys did mention suffocating you in your sleep again,
16:12so it's up to you, I guess.
16:14Dad, she needs to go, remember?
16:17I'll, er...
16:19I'll give her a go.
16:20Okay.
16:21Okay.
16:23We'll be listening.
16:27This is gonna be a disaster, you know?
16:30Never miss an edge, Emma, isn't it?
16:31Don't you fucking dare.
16:42What are we doing?
16:48Malcolm.
16:50Give it.
16:51You look, erm...
16:52...danny.
16:54Come on, Dad.
16:57Why are you here?
16:59Why, er...
17:01Would you like a glass of water?
17:02No.
17:03Yes, me too.
17:04Yes, me too.
17:09Er, right.
17:11Haven't you back in our lives the last three months?
17:14Gemma's life. Barely seen you.
17:17Been hiding at Castelluza.
17:19It's, er...
17:21Well, it's made me realise...
17:23God's sake, spit it out, Malcolm.
17:27The whole day you left.
17:30Home.
17:32Mm-hmm.
17:34And I'd like us to, erm...
17:38Rekindle our relationship.
17:41You are?
17:43Oh.
17:44I thought you were gonna ask me for the money back from the house sale.
17:47Yeah. Oh, well, can I have that money back?
17:49No.
17:50Oh.
17:53Well, er...
17:55Erm...
17:56I, er...
17:57Whatever I said...
17:59Whatever I did, you know.
18:02I didn't mean it.
18:06It's barley.
18:07He's gone barley.
18:08I...
18:09Just wanting you back for good.
18:11I...
18:12Gemma!
18:14Shit.
18:15What's going on?
18:19Dad wants you back!
18:21Does he?
18:22Yeah!
18:23Yeah!
18:24Definitely back for good, yeah.
18:26Do you?
18:27Right, well, I don't want him back.
18:30Mum, it's so cute.
18:31He says he's madly in love with you and that he will not leave this house until you agree to remarry him.
18:36Did ya?
18:38Oh, I did.
18:39Such a fucking silly boy.
18:41I am swept away by the romance, Malcolm.
18:45Oh, go on, you lot.
18:46Clear out.
18:47Got a sausage man coming round in a bit.
18:49We did our best, didn't we?
18:50Did he say sausage man?
18:53Okay.
18:54Mum, how about this?
18:55Will you please get the fuck out of my home?
19:00Oh, fucking hell.
19:02Yeah.
19:03I mean, I love you.
19:04But if you don't go, I'm gonna chuck myself out that window.
19:06Aren't we on the ground floor?
19:07Shut up.
19:08It's the sausage men.
19:10The late nights.
19:11The slim fast.
19:12The eating my biscuits.
19:13Oh, I know you do, cos I've seen you take them.
19:15Okay?
19:16You're driving me insane.
19:18Either you go, or me and Sadie will.
19:20And it's my name on the lease, that'll be really fucking annoying.
19:25This isn't working out for me, Gemma.
19:34I'm sorry, but I think it's time for me to leave.
19:37What the fuck?
19:39I literally just said that I can't stay here forever,
19:43much as he'd like me to.
19:45The world is calling me back to it.
19:49You understand, don't you, love?
19:52Yeah.
19:55I don't understand.
19:56Me neither, mate.
20:01The first few weeks of having Sadie, I couldn't have coped without you.
20:06Tell Malcolm he can keep the candles.
20:11I do have one tiny bit of advice.
20:14This first year is a very precious time, Gemma.
20:16Work out what it is what you want.
20:20And start reaching for her before you go back to work.
20:24Cos once the grind starts, work, baby, life,
20:30you'll be trapped.
20:32Right.
20:34Your taxi's here.
20:35And before you know it, he'll have spent 20 years living with your father.
20:38It's the mistake I made.
20:41And I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
20:44OK.
20:45Thanks.
20:49Good luck, love.
20:50Good luck, love.
21:08Yeah.
21:09There you go.
21:11Fresh sheets, eh?
21:13And I've just put her clothes wash on.
21:17And I was thinking,
21:19you know, the next couple of nights I can do her feeds for you.
21:22And you can get some sleep.
21:26I'm so glad to be back, love.
21:29I've missed you so much.
21:30Miss both of you.
21:31We've missed you.
21:34And I want you to know
21:36that I will never, ever leave you again.
21:41Not until that one goes to university, anyway.
21:47You rest now, eh?
21:56Oh, hey, there's a pork pie in here.
22:02I'm on maternity leave.
22:04I'm not asking you to pick it up with your fanny, please.
22:06He's a creep who charges 15 quid to sing at babies.
22:09And takes his top off.
22:12There's a dog in here, there's a massive dog in here.
22:14Hog, elbow, punch!
22:16My boobs are about to explode.
22:17Are they fake?
22:18No, you bellend.
22:19They're full of milk.
22:20Dad's booked us a holiday, though.
22:22Bet it's the caravan park.
22:23It won't be the caravan park.
22:25The holiday's a disaster.
22:26Shut up, shut up, shut up!
22:28I thought maybe you'd want space.
22:30What I actually wanted was some very large sanitary pads.
22:33We're totally fucking lost, and Malcolm is missing a boot!
22:36Yeah, well, I had to throw something to distract that ball, didn't I?
22:39I want to provide a better life for my baby.
22:42It's spunking its eggs down my throat!
22:44I have been dabbling with better paid other employment.
22:47Why do you even want this job?
22:48Because I love marketing.
22:50Nobody loves marketing.
22:51Congratulations, Gemma, you've just joined the rat race.
22:55I love marketing.
22:56I love marketing!
23:22You
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