- 22 hours ago
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Short filmTranscript
00:00Vote Samson. Vote Andrew. Vote for Andrew.
00:02Vote Samson.
00:03So, I'm supporting my brother while you're supporting the man who ruined both our lives.
00:08What am I supposed to do?
00:10Show some backbone. Pick a side.
00:12Man, picking sides is hard. I pick... one of each.
00:18I mean, when did neutrality become such a dirty word?
00:21I love Swiss cuisine. I mean, look at the toddler road.
00:24You're telling me a war in country would put nougat in there?
00:26When you're digging trenches, you don't think about nougat. You don't have the time.
00:31Evil triumphs when good men do nothing.
00:33Yes, but I'm not doing nothing, Rachel. I am worrying constantly.
00:37I don't want Samson's rage. I don't want your brother to put me back in his garage gulag.
00:42Garage gulag?
00:43Look into his eyes, Andrew. See the eyes of your enemies.
00:47Andrew's on this rover again.
00:50He says training will focus his mind for the boat.
00:53That's fun. For you. What do you mean?
00:58You're looking at his body like a hyena that's hungry for man meat.
01:02My sole desire is to help my son.
01:05And if Andrew wants to exercise in that gear...
01:08That tight, tight gear...
01:12Is there an end to that sentence?
01:15Is Jervid helping with the big vote?
01:33No, it's imperative that doesn't happen.
01:35We sent him to his favourite charity electronics store.
01:38Guys, I've got a great deal on a random grad bag of wires.
01:41Look, there's a scart at one end and at the other.
01:45We'll soon find out.
01:47Jem, did you get my voice note about CPR?
01:53Yes. That sounds so important to you and to your future.
01:58Can't do it.
01:59What?
02:00To the youth, Rachel. Of Bolton.
02:03They've asked me to do a talk.
02:04They've seen my Insta, they've seen my TikToks.
02:06They've fallen in love with the word of God.
02:08And with Jeb. The brand.
02:11But I told you about this weeks ago.
02:13Yeah, but this thing has just come up, so...
02:15You realise that makes it less valid, right?
02:18No, Rachel, I just feel like God is guiding me towards this
02:23and away from your thing.
02:25I've got to run.
02:33Wow.
02:35OK, so I have an exam and no way to practise for it.
02:39What if I help you?
02:40You fly her into Samson.
02:42Yeah, well...
02:44What if I wasn't?
02:47Sometimes I wish I could put myself in the bin.
02:53Sorry, did you hear that?
02:54Samson.
02:56I thought this would stop me worrying about my speech,
02:59but now I'm worried about my speech and my 200-metre split time.
03:03If my speech fails, I'd have let down an entire generation.
03:06Andrew, it's not healthy to think like that.
03:08Even though it's true.
03:10Are you struggling with your speech?
03:11Mary used to help me find the words, but...
03:14Now?
03:15Well, I could be Mary.
03:17I mean, your wife.
03:18I mean, I could replace your wife.
03:19I mean, could help with the words.
03:20You and I alone, would that be appropriate?
03:23Aaron, what do you think?
03:25I think it's fine.
03:27He thinks it's fine.
03:28OK.
03:29Well, I guess I'll, uh...
03:31See you later, then.
03:32Mm.
03:41FYI, Mum.
03:43You and Andrew alone is obviously inappropriate.
03:46Won't really need this speech, so crack on.
03:50OK, so, Josh, you're, like, my examiner.
03:54But I do, we don't actually need you, so you could go back to church.
03:57No, Rachel.
03:58The church is Vote Town.
03:59Don't send me back to the horrors of Vote Town.
04:02I could be the dummy.
04:03I have qualities that dummy doesn't have, like arms.
04:05The dummy is so we can practise proper CPR.
04:08If I did that to you, your ribs would break.
04:13We'll make you a neutral bystander.
04:15Rachel.
04:16I'll never forget what you've done for me today.
04:22Fiona.
04:23David!
04:24Are you putting on lipstick?
04:26No.
04:28Really? Because it looks like...
04:29I said no, David.
04:31OK.
04:32Well, I'm having a great time delving into the history of AV cables.
04:35But I just wonder if we should talk about what happened.
04:37with Maud.
04:39I know it upset you.
04:41No, it didn't upset me.
04:42It didn't upset me at all.
04:44I'll go to Andrews.
04:46Andrews?
04:47For Aaron.
04:48I'm powerful for Aaron.
04:50Oh.
04:52Well, I guess if it's for Aaron, I can't have a problem with it.
04:56That's right, sweetie.
05:02Go!
05:03Mrs Smith?
05:04Mrs Smith?
05:05No response.
05:06Your wife.
05:07Your wife?
05:08It's a fictional world.
05:09I can have a wife if I want one.
05:10OK, are we checking for a pulse?
05:12No pulse after ten seconds.
05:14Right, we start chest compressions.
05:16It'll be OK, Ellie.
05:18My dream wife's name is Ellie.
05:19Well, her friends call her Eleanor.
05:20Actually, it's mainly her school friends.
05:21We need defib pads.
05:23Done.
05:24But she's bleeding out.
05:25OK, ready.
05:26Two bags of own egg.
05:27We may need to transfuse.
05:28Ooh, Rachel.
05:29Look at her necklace.
05:30No blood.
05:31Did you plant that?
05:32They were her wishes, Josh.
05:33No, they weren't.
05:34Rachel, her heart rhythm's gone V-tack.
05:37OK, then we shock.
05:38Three, two, one, shock.
05:40Done.
05:42Well?
05:44You did everything right.
05:45You made it, Ellie.
05:46My beautiful one.
05:48No, don't.
05:51Well, Lady of the Grapes.
05:54I didn't think I'd find myself looking at you again.
05:57But I guess I've hit rock bottom.
06:01Oh, sweet Christ.
06:07Hello, David.
06:08Maud.
06:09You shouldn't be here.
06:10I was just in the area, innocently flyering for Samson.
06:14I support traditional values, you see.
06:16I find that hard to believe when you keep feeding me extramarital pie.
06:20Here.
06:21Let me pin a badge on you.
06:22No, no, no, no, no.
06:24We're an Andrew household.
06:26And what job have you been given in this grand campaign?
06:30Well, I'm disentangling a twisted bolus of wires from the 90s.
06:34I see.
06:35Very quiet house.
06:37Missing its domestic home.
06:41The patter of pans.
06:43The buzz of a wife doing her duty.
06:46Where is Fiona?
06:47She's at Andrews.
06:49But...
06:50I like that she's independent.
06:52David.
06:53There's nothing sadder than a man who's lying to himself.
06:56Maud.
06:57Nothing you say can induce me to let you across this threshold.
07:00This is a broken VCR.
07:02I need a strong man to help me fix my spools.
07:10Could you be that prodigy, David?
07:13I am only flesh.
07:15Goodbye.
07:16Now, Fiona, before we get started, I think we should set some ground rules.
07:28Ground rules?
07:29Why do we need ground rules?
07:30Well, the last time we were alone together, you profaned my wife, you put on my wife's wedding ring, and you destroyed the tree that was a symbol of my wife.
07:40Well, Andrew, obviously it's going to sound bad if you refuse to twist the facts.
07:43I think we should set some boundaries.
07:45No physical contact.
07:46Keep language neutral.
07:48And the third was going to be no make-up, but I see you've already broken that.
07:52But the other two still stand.
07:53Do you agree?
07:54Of course, Andrew.
07:55I promised to respect two out of three of your family.
07:57Fiona.
07:58I caught it. I caught it.
08:05How's Aaron doing?
08:06He went to canvas Eldarab.
08:08Eldarab?
08:09Dates are the fifth horseman of the apocalypse.
08:14Whenever two men have sex, it opens a portal to hell.
08:17It opens a portal to hell?
08:19Yep, in London.
08:23Don't worry.
08:24I started letting his tyres down before he'd even spoke.
08:28Slow leak.
08:29Hopefully he won't notice until he's on the M6.
08:31The vote's tomorrow.
08:33Does Andrew even have a chance?
08:34Aaron, I promise that no matter what,
08:37I'm having a great time vandalising bigots' cars.
08:41Your tape path is seriously gummed.
08:44Rubbing alcohol could clear the clog,
08:46but there's so much detritus,
08:48I'd almost suspect foul play.
08:52I'm setting your answer Mac 100 to answer phone only.
08:55Don't want the two of us being disturbed.
08:58You do know that this so-called vote is just a charade.
09:03Don't you, David?
09:05That whatever you do, Sumpson will win.
09:08He has tapes, recordings of every confessional he's ever taken.
09:15Of every member of the congregation spilling their darkest secrets.
09:19It was the best meal I've ever had and my wife didn't cook it.
09:22This is every man's worst nightmare.
09:24David, why have you spent 40 minutes talking to me about pie?
09:28That session went on for another hour.
09:31I know.
09:33Have the transcripts.
09:35Why are you telling me this, Maud?
09:36Because I know where the tapes are, David.
09:39And I can make them go away for my special one.
09:43In exchange for repairing this VCR together intimately.
09:51Why are you so interested in me?
09:53Isn't it obvious, David?
09:56Because you're the most pathetic man I've ever met.
10:00Don't worry.
10:01It's a good thing.
10:02You're so incompetent.
10:05So decidedly wretched.
10:08That you become something other.
10:10Something sublime.
10:12Few men can say they're the best at anything in this world.
10:16Even if that is being a lapdog.
10:24My lapdog.
10:25And you promised to wipe Sansom's tapes?
10:32Of course.
10:36Slowly, David.
10:37These tape pens are very sensitive.
10:42God forgive me.
10:46I'm doing this for you, Aaron.
10:55And Samson sees our faith, he sees control.
11:05What I see...
11:07I see love.
11:08I love every member of this congregation passionately.
11:11Passionately.
11:13I mean, it's all about love, isn't it?
11:15Yes.
11:16Love.
11:17Platonic love.
11:18Any kind of love.
11:19Maybe it would be helpful to pick someone out in the audience.
11:22Deliver it to them.
11:23But you're the only one here.
11:24Oh, well, you'll have to pick me then.
11:27Let's...
11:28Let's give it a try.
11:29With eye contact.
11:31Andrew.
11:32I'm just here for my son.
11:34On behalf of my son.
11:35You need me to look into your eyes and talk about love.
11:38For your son.
11:39Yes, it's what he would want.
11:42Oh, we can pause the speech.
11:43Yeah, let's pause.
11:45And talk posture.
11:46Posture?
11:47It's a vital element of speech making.
11:48Back straight, shoulders broad.
11:49Let me show you.
11:50Oh, my lats.
11:54Oh, gosh.
11:55I get so tight after training.
11:57Oh, my gosh.
11:58Okay, so what can I do?
11:59You can't do anything, Fiona.
12:03Mary used to massage them with tiger balm, but that would be inappropriate.
12:07Why would it be inappropriate?
12:09If Mary can do it, I can.
12:10Because Mary was my wife.
12:12Andrew, this is not about wives or whose wife is who or who should be whose wife.
12:17This is about your speech and your back and your lats.
12:21Tight, tight lats.
12:23Now, is that the balm?
12:24Oh, you found that quick.
12:25Andrew, I'm going to help you by platonically and disinterestedly rubbing you right down.
12:33Oh, just the top of the neck, no lower.
12:35How's that?
12:37Oh, that's...
12:39That's actually helping.
12:42Do you want me to go higher?
12:45Lower?
12:50Deeper.
12:51Okay, Fiona.
12:52I think it's quite clear that you have feelings for me.
12:54I've felt that way ever since you defiled my wife.
12:56My husband ate another woman's pie and I will not be made a fool of.
13:00Please leave.
13:10It's a bit slippery.
13:12Thank you, David.
13:13That was wonderful.
13:14David, I'm back from Andrea's.
13:15It's really normal.
13:17What the hell?
13:18Relax, Fiona.
13:20We've long finished.
13:22I was just fixing her VCR.
13:24And I did. Look.
13:26David, if you're watching this, then our baby is fully operational.
13:32It means that we came together in union and repaired the sheared feeding band.
13:37Now we can make videos of absolutely anything.
13:41Wow.
13:42So while I've been at Andrew's at the bequest of our son...
13:45Do I smell tiger balm?
13:48David, I think you need to know your wife just tried to touch me in inappropriate areas.
13:53We're talking neck, we're talking shoulder.
13:55Oh, God.
13:57I'm gonna...
13:59I don't know.
14:02That was actually really fun.
14:05Yeah, it was great to see you finally in action.
14:08You're gonna ace it.
14:10Yeah, let me help you with that.
14:11What's going on?
14:12Did she open the door silently too?
14:13I was just helping Rachel with a paramedic exam.
14:14I'm gonna...
14:15Yeah.
14:16Sorry.
14:17Hey, Heather.
14:18Back off, bitch.
14:19Sorry what?
14:20I said back off.
14:21Okay, I'm gonna go.
14:22I'm gonna go.
14:24What's been going on?
14:25What's been going on?
14:26You freak of desire?
14:27So, Joseph's gripped out in this Technicolor dream coat.
14:28But his bros, they're not too happy.
14:30So, they lob him in an actual well.
14:31And his dad had four wives.
14:32Bro is busy.
14:33You...
14:36What's been going on?
14:45In an actual well.
14:57Bro is busy.
14:58Before any speeches, are there any elders out there who want to share their thoughts?
15:10Remember, this is a safe space.
15:14Gays are the sons of Sodom.
15:17Thank you, elder. That's very brave.
15:20And now, just as in Luke 22, 48, it's time for Judas to speak.
15:28This is it. The moment of truth.
15:32It all comes down to one man and his speech.
15:35Greetings, everyone. I would like to start today by asking a question.
15:40What was Jesus' greatest commandment? I mean, according to Matthew, there were two.
15:45Love thy God and love thy neighbour. Love. Love. Love is the key thing, Daniel.
15:52Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought I could tolerate that, but I'm just bored.
15:56Samson, I have a right.
15:57Throughout the years, I have performed over 600 confessions.
16:04I've recorded each and every one of them.
16:09So if I am not re-elected, I will release those tapes to the public.
16:16For your spouses to hear.
16:20For your children to hear.
16:23This is but a taste of what I have in my possession.
16:30Last week, I got so lonely. I made a friend out of socks. I didn't realise I'd crossed the line until her name did Joshua.
16:41Could have been anyone's voice.
16:42Lord, tell them. Tell them you destroyed all the tapes.
16:48All the tapes?
16:50Yes.
16:51I destroyed your tapes, David. The tapes of my special one. For us.
16:56I thought you were going to save everyone.
16:59Well, you should have been more specific before you put your hands inside my VCR.
17:03You'll find your polling cards under your seats. You know what to do.
17:08Don't give in.
17:16Don't vote for a man who would hold this over your head.
17:18Yeah, amazing stuff, Aaron. Some of us said things.
17:21Yeah, I said so many things.
17:26Confidence.
17:26I've never felt less confident in my life.
17:34Who did you just vote for?
17:36You shouldn't really be watching me vote, love.
17:47The count is in.
17:51For Andrew...
17:5341 votes.
17:56For Samson, 41 votes.
17:59Well, that's impossible. There's 83 congregants.
18:04I think someone's tried to abstain.
18:06Both these boxes are checked, and in the margin, they've written,
18:09Sorry, sad face.
18:20Which way did you vote, Bajer?
18:22I...
18:23Oh, boy.
18:24Mark my name right now.
18:28Vote for a new future, Bajer.
18:30I will bury you under this church.
18:32Oh, God.
18:33Come on, Samson.
18:34Don't let the dream die.
18:37I say, is anyone else very cold?
18:39It suddenly feels very dark and cold.
18:42Has he got a pulse?
18:48He's just fainted.
18:50Shame.
18:52I vote for Switzerland.
18:54Always for Switzerland.
18:55Don't worry about the vote.
18:56The vote can't hurt you now.
19:00Andrew?
19:01Yeah?
19:01What does this mean?
19:03It means you lose.
19:05No majority.
19:06No change.
19:10Nice try, little man.
19:12You know, in ten years,
19:14you're going to be a worthy adversary.
19:16Such a shame.
19:21Such a damn shame.
19:24There was one vote in it.
19:27Crazy.
19:28Crazy are those chips full.
19:32WA15, 3PO.
19:34WA15?
19:35That's weird.
19:36You know that postcode?
19:37I know every postcode, Aaron.
19:49Hey, Aaron.
19:50You doing OK?
19:52Just going to brush my teeth,
19:55get in bed and pray for an Armageddon.
19:58You've not done that for ages.
20:00Yeah.
20:01It's a bad day.
20:08David, I see you've moved your bed further away.
20:10Well, I didn't want to risk
20:11accidentally brushing your hand in the night.
20:14You've never spoken to me like this before.
20:16You've never made hand love
20:17to our neighbour's neck before.
20:18OK, then.
20:20Here's to never making physical contact ever again.
20:22Fine by me.
20:23Could you get the light?
20:24Yes.
20:28Hi, Knight.
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