- 23 hours ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:01Wedding bells are a-chiming.
00:03And ain't that a sweet, sweet ring?
00:05Remember our wedding night, Fiona?
00:07You make too many sunflower seeds and fell asleep at 8pm.
00:10Yes, I did.
00:11Oh, I'm pumped. Spiritually and, well, physically.
00:16Dad, are you making an innuendo?
00:17Aaron, with my whole heart, yes.
00:19Fiona, you look incredible.
00:21Thanks, David.
00:23But I feel like I'm wearing a bib.
00:25A sexy bib.
00:26Dad!
00:27Oh, I accept. That was too far.
00:30Relax. Samson will soon fall and everyone can take off their bibs.
00:34Is that Jebediah?
00:36To think. One day you could be marrying him on this sacred site.
00:40Hmm. Or I could cut him out of my life forever.
00:47Welcome, guys. Ceremony should be in two to five hours.
00:51Josh was so excited he wanted lots of wiggle room.
00:54David, I require an audience with my special one.
00:58Fiona?
00:59Fiona?
01:00I'll deal with this.
01:02Jeb, I should probably say up top.
01:04Babe, it's okay.
01:05You don't need to apologise.
01:06I should apologise.
01:09Because I'm breaking up with you.
01:12That's why you want to apologise?
01:14You're a great girl. Maybe too great.
01:16You thought I was the Joseph to your Marion for a moment.
01:19So did I, but I'm not Joseph.
01:23I'm Jeb.
01:24And Jeb's built for the road.
01:26The road?
01:27The Bolton youth.
01:28They're also having a courtship ceremony and they're a very godly chapter.
01:32And busty by the sound of things.
01:35I'll pray for you, Rachel.
01:36And I don't just mean today.
01:37I mean tomorrow.
01:38And tomorrow.
01:39And tomorrow.
01:40And tomorrow.
01:41Are you quoting Shakespeare?
01:42I'm talking about tomorrow, Rachel.
01:44Okay.
01:45Jeb.
01:46I think you're an idiot.
01:47I shouldn't have picked you.
01:48And I'm going to go stop this wedding.
01:50Rebound, eh?
01:52I'll find it hard to get over you too.
02:00I'm a very patient woman, David.
02:02I once waited 12 years for a man's wife to die.
02:06But I'm starting to lose that patience.
02:09It's time for Fiona to be sacrificed for your binding of Isaac.
02:14Only, unlike God, I won't pull out at the last minute.
02:18Maud, since we last spoke, I have bonded profoundly with my wife.
02:23Like we bonded in that VCR?
02:25No.
02:26In a much more normal way.
02:27I want you to take this back.
02:29Once and for all.
02:30Don't strain your leash, David.
02:32When you accepted that pie dish, you and I made a covenant.
02:35I really think it was just pie.
02:37A covenant, David, to our future.
02:40Oh, just think about it.
02:42Every morning you'd wake to a chalice full to the brim of summer fruit squash as red and full-bodied as Christ's own lifeblood.
02:51Every night you'd dine on a Yorkshire pudding the size of a baking tray.
02:55But if you revoke that covenant, David, there will be consequences.
03:04Do your worst.
03:10So be it.
03:11David Lewis, you broke into my house.
03:16You besmirched my sanctuary.
03:19I've been waiting so long to say this.
03:23You are excluded from the order.
03:28Woo!
03:29Mmm.
03:30Mmm.
03:31Mmm.
03:32Sorry, special one.
03:33Pretty sweet, huh?
03:48The only thing getting crucified on that is bad vibes. Am I right, Joel?
03:54So you like the wedding planner?
03:55Josh said that it was easy to let me do this than deal with me being upset.
03:57And he was right.
03:58Gosh, was he right.
03:59So here I am, organising the wedding of my dreams.
04:02Your dreams?
04:03Josh's dreams.
04:04I'm not here.
04:05Oh, I forgot the cake topper.
04:07Where's the bride?
04:08The what?
04:09I'm not here.
04:10I'm not here.
04:11Oh, I forgot the cake topper.
04:14Where's the bride?
04:16The what?
04:17Abijah.
04:18I need to speak to Joshua.
04:20Sure, Rachel.
04:21Follow me to the groom room.
04:22As long as you're not planning on talking him out of it.
04:24Seriously, I'm not letting anything get in the way of my wedding.
04:28Samson, please be merciful.
04:31I am being merciful.
04:32I'm letting the boy stay.
04:34I don't exclude people until they reach sixth form.
04:37I'll tell you what.
04:39I'll give you ten seconds to change me mind.
04:42Starting from...
04:44No.
04:45Um, I...
04:47All that I am is this church.
04:49I, um...
04:50I joined for my wife.
04:51I...
04:52I'd lose her.
04:53I'd lose my family.
04:54Time, gentlemen.
04:56Still excluded.
04:57Samson, we have photos of your house.
04:59Once the overseer sees what you've been doing with the congregation's money...
05:02The overseer already knows.
05:04And he's quite happy, as long as he gets his tithe.
05:08Good luck in hell, David.
05:10Because come 5pm, you'll officially be one of God's forsaken men.
05:16The groom room is the toilet.
05:20Josh was very clear.
05:21He wanted a lockable space.
05:22We have no lockable space in our flat, and he hates that.
05:25Room for one more roomie.
05:27Roomie?
05:28He usually says shut up when I call him roomie.
05:32One second.
05:35Oh, I forgot the groom room had a window.
05:40I'd say it's mixed news.
05:42Yes, in the sense that it's horror mixed with despair mixed with the sensation of your head peeing in a vice.
05:47Look, I have a plan.
05:49I'm gonna prostrate myself before the pie-making succubus that did this to us.
05:52And if that doesn't work?
05:53Fiona?
05:54It has to work.
05:56Because the alternative doesn't bear thinking about.
05:58Think about it, David.
05:59We need to think about it.
06:02Well, in that case, you, the whole family, would have to decide whether to stay in the faith or...
06:08...be with me.
06:12Okay, I need some air.
06:13Aaron, can I put you in charge of telling Rachel our world is collapsing?
06:16Yep.
06:17I'll give her a buzz.
06:18I can talk Lord round, Aaron.
06:20Don't worry.
06:21Dad, I saw you guys wedged in a VCR.
06:24Of course I'm worried.
06:27Come on, roomie.
06:28Please pick up.
06:29I mean, maybe he's been raptured.
06:30Opportunistic one-man rapture.
06:32I think he's just running away from his shotgun wedding.
06:34Rachel, this is not a shotgun wedding because we're not in the Deep South,
06:37and Heather is a lovely girl, and any of us would be very lucky to be forced to marry her.
06:42I just can't get through to him.
06:43He's gone dark.
06:44He's not picking up.
06:45He's replied to me instantly.
06:46Okay, well, that hurts.
06:47Abijah?
06:48I know where he is.
06:49Give me the keys to the bridal car.
06:51Oh, so you can find him and bring him back.
06:53Definitely one of those things.
06:56Wait, what?
06:57Abijah!
06:58Oh, Samson.
06:59FYI, Joshua's a little bit delayed.
07:00That's the world just gonna mill about for a bit.
07:02Just soak up the ambiance with the pre-marriage mill.
07:04Yeah, shut up about that.
07:05I don't care.
07:06The cross.
07:07You don't like it?
07:08I don't like it.
07:09I love it!
07:10I want to do me speech under it.
07:11Make it dangle.
07:12From the ceiling?
07:13I said!
07:14Make it dangle.
07:16Thank you, Mr. Wallbracket.
07:22You are my champion.
07:24Maybe just a quick blessing to be safe.
07:28I bless this bracket in the name of the Father.
07:31Dear God.
07:32I'm in.
07:33They give me a real fucking crisis.
07:37And I know you don't tend to get back to prayers quickly.
07:40Sometimes it feels you don't get back at all.
07:43If I'd...
07:44But please, send me a sign.
07:47Oh.
07:48I think I'll pray somewhere else.
07:50No, wait. I think it might be a sign from God.
07:52Of course, Fiona, I've had that one before.
07:53I'm desperate.
07:54Okay, I'll agree to talk to you if you agree to a five-foot exclusion zone.
07:58Okay.
08:00Okay.
08:01And...
08:02The apron?
08:05Samson's making me serve prawn rings, so I came to ask God to kill me.
08:09David wants me to leave the order with him.
08:11What would you do in my shoes?
08:14My faith is everything to me.
08:16But if Mary had asked me to leave, I would not have hesitated.
08:20What?
08:21I would have left for true love.
08:24But...
08:26No.
08:27No?
08:28No.
08:29I could have left 20 years ago.
08:31I stayed.
08:33I stayed.
08:35And I went to church eight times a week.
08:37And I didn't go to uni.
08:39And I never drank.
08:40And I was such a good girl.
08:42And if I go now, now, with my youth over, then what was the point?
08:47What was the point in any of it?
08:51I think I'm going to go.
08:52Tell me I'm not a bad person if I stay.
08:55Fiona, it's your choice.
08:57Though I do think your marriage and mine are quite different.
09:00You were so thirsty to massage my neck.
09:02How did you...
09:03You've broken the barrier!
09:06Okay.
09:08It wasn't a sign.
09:11Lisa?
09:13Bit busy, Fiona.
09:14Call you back after I've dropped this bitch.
09:16Right.
09:17Who wants to fucking dance?
09:18No.
09:19No.
09:25No!
09:35When I lived in that flat I thought I hit rock bottom,
09:41And then I moved in with Abijah and experienced Cowboy Poetry Night.
09:47Some good times in that flat too, though.
09:54It's another voice note from Heather.
10:00Oh, gosh, she's really coming for me.
10:06Why are you here, Rachel?
10:11I've come to bring you back so you can marry the whispering psychopath of your dreams.
10:15Okay, maybe less jokes on the worst day of my life.
10:19If you don't marry Heather, your dad's going to kick you out.
10:23And if I get the job I'm now qualified for, he's going to kick me out too.
10:31But if we were together, it wouldn't be so bad.
10:37Just a thought.
10:38Wow.
10:38So my dad takes power and you instantly want to leave.
10:42He has that effect on people.
10:44Actually, I've been feeling like this for a while.
10:46Rachel, I overhauled my whole life for you.
10:50And it feels like you just left me on the ob until he didn't work out with the other guy.
10:54And I don't know what to do next, but I think that maybe it doesn't involve you and me.
11:10Right.
11:10Yeah.
11:12Yeah.
11:12Um.
11:17This is for you.
11:19A match card?
11:20Yeah.
11:21That's the match card I should have handed in.
11:23A match card.
11:36Um, are you the groom?
11:47No, no, just solitude for me.
11:49I'm merely a placeholder.
11:51Wait, so you're single?
11:53I find that incredibly hard to believe.
11:56Oh.
11:57Look, I am also a placeholder.
11:59Oh, wow.
12:00I'm, I'm Ellie.
12:03Ellie.
12:04Oh, wow.
12:06I'm a biger.
12:08Biger.
12:08Yeah.
12:09Um, I love what you're wearing, biger.
12:13Oh.
12:14You, you, you look like you could have heard some serious cat.
12:18Wow.
12:19It's probably the nicest thing that anyone's ever said to me.
12:22No, no.
12:23Cowboy a biger, cow biger.
12:25That's amazing.
12:27Um, I'm sorry if this is too forward, but are you on the apps?
12:33No, I, I gave up actually.
12:35Oh, except for Kringle.
12:36My Kringle sub doesn't run out until Pentecost.
12:40Biger.
12:41My speech approaches.
12:42Stop connecting with that woman.
12:43Um, I, I need to go.
12:45Oh.
12:48Hmm.
12:49David, I wondered when you'd return.
12:52Maud, I'll do anything to keep my family together.
12:55Name your price.
12:57I will slide my hand into a retro tech object.
13:00I will need any savoury bake.
13:01I do have something in mind, actually.
13:04Yes?
13:05Sit and watch a tape with me.
13:07On our baby.
13:08Our baby that we repaired together.
13:13Okay.
13:14Doesn't sound too bad.
13:16Some flower seeds.
13:19I know they're your favourite.
13:20What are we watching?
13:23David, when a dog misbehaves, it must be disciplined.
13:28And when it cannot be disciplined, it must be put down.
13:36I'm not sure I love him anymore.
13:38No.
13:39And I'm not just saying that, I mean it.
13:40Look at her.
13:41You understand that.
13:41Look at the woman you chose over me.
13:44If this marriage is what God wants, then does God hate me?
13:51David, what's wrong?
13:53You've not touched your seeds.
13:55He just smells so powerfully of beef.
13:59He's like a human oxo cube.
14:03Have you managed to get through to Rachel?
14:06Would you leave?
14:07Do you think?
14:08Don't answer that.
14:09Okay, I won't answer it.
14:11You don't want to leave, right?
14:13Leave the Samson police state that won't let me be who I am.
14:17Okay, maybe I won't answer that one either.
14:21What about you, Mum?
14:22What do you want?
14:25Is that your father?
14:30Dad's begging the Spider Woman for mercy.
14:38He taped over our wedding video with series four of Robot Wars.
14:42It was a bad series!
14:44Do you see how she loathes you, David?
14:47How glad she'd be to be rid of you.
14:49Oh, to you, she's everything.
14:51But to her, you're...
14:52You're just the man who ruined her life.
14:56All he does is rewind VHS tapes.
14:58It's four hours a day!
15:00She's tolerated you, David.
15:03Suffered your presence all these years for the sake of appearances.
15:05But she would never, ever fight for you.
15:10Maud.
15:12Oh, speak of the devil and she will appear.
15:18That's for my special one, bitch.
15:20Christ, it's crib.
15:24Do you still need my help?
15:25I've just knocked out Ward.
15:26Some outside your fist?
15:28No fist.
15:29Piedish to the face.
15:30Fiona, that's brutal.
15:31I love it.
15:34Fiona, um...
15:36Do you...
15:38You know...
15:40Love me?
15:42Of course I do.
15:44Right.
15:46It's just...
15:47In the tape...
15:48The tape doesn't matter, David.
15:50And that's...
15:51That's why we're leaving.
15:54Together.
15:57Mum, you're actually doing this out of your guilt, are you?
16:01I haven't figured that out yet.
16:02And I honestly see no need to.
16:06Oh, Christ.
16:11Oh, Jesus.
16:11Oh, God.
16:12Josh, please pick up.
16:13Bye, Dramea.
16:14I've picked up.
16:15Oh, Josh.
16:16Oh, thank the Lord.
16:18Please come back.
16:19My blood pressure is 220 over 180 and Google doesn't think I should be alive.
16:23Okay.
16:24Okay?
16:26Yes.
16:27Oh, amazing.
16:28What changed your mind?
16:29I need to ask Rachel if you meant what she wrote.
16:31What she wrote?
16:32On the back of the match card she gave me.
16:34That doesn't sound very...
16:36I'm going to marry Heather-y, Josh.
16:39Josh?
16:40Josh?
16:43Oh, my.
16:45Heather?
16:48Rachel, where have you been?
16:50I...
16:51Doesn't matter.
16:52What have I missed?
16:53Your mother assaulted a woman with a dish.
16:56What?
16:56Sit down.
16:57We need to tell you something.
16:58And it may come as quite a shock.
17:02Your father's being excluded from the Order.
17:05And somehow we have to choose whether to stay or to go.
17:09Go.
17:11You answered that awfully quickly.
17:13Are you not going?
17:14I am, but the decision took me all day.
17:17Once we're condemned, you and I are going to have a talk.
17:19Witness!
17:20My rise!
17:21Okay, I feel less bad about leaving now.
17:25It's a beautiful thing.
17:27Ascending.
17:29It makes you realise what's important.
17:34God is love, they say.
17:36Wrong.
17:39God is obedience.
17:42God is submission.
17:44We've already made such wonderful strides together.
17:51Traditions restored.
17:55Men allowed to be men.
17:59Women appropriately dressed.
18:04One elder.
18:06One god.
18:08Forever.
18:09The budget.
18:11Oh, hey.
18:12Um, check your phone.
18:13My phone.
18:14Yeah.
18:17And it will be forever.
18:20Because the Church of Samson...
18:21This is the best day of my life.
18:23...is here to stay, baby.
18:26Daddy!
18:27Daddy!
18:36You see?
18:41I'm invincible.
18:42Oh, phew.
18:45The cross isn't actually too heavy anyway.
18:47It's the wattage you'd have to worry about.
18:51You have such beautiful eyes.
18:55Oh, my gosh.
19:01Call an ambulance!
19:02Sorry your wedding day was ruined by a combination of your fiancée running away and his dad getting fried into a coma.
19:19Uh, but, uh, you look nice, uh, like you're wearing a-a cloud, uh, in a good way.
19:27That's just a tea.
19:28Yeah, it's good.
19:29I think I've really turned a corner, actually.
19:31Once you realise you're not a-a slave to your impulses, it's-it's empowering.
19:35Strengthening.
19:36What do you mean you've got the car for another hour?
19:43Yeah.
19:44Rachel.
19:56Josh, you came back.
19:57Yeah, I-I just wanted to ask.
19:59Joshua, there's no easy way to say this.
20:01Our dad's been electrocuted by a cross.
20:03He needs a miracle to make it.
20:04Did you just say our dad?
20:05One of us should go with him to the hospital.
20:07I guess you've always been the favourite.
20:09Yeah.
20:13Oh, Josh had something to ask you.
20:15That's before Samson got hooked up to the mains.
20:26There's an unconscious woman upstairs.
20:29Anyone know about this?
20:31Yes.
20:31Funny story.
20:32So, my beautiful wife-
20:34Shut up, David.
20:34I was supposed to DJ.
20:36Do you still want me?
20:37I mean, it would be quite disrespectful to Samson.
20:40Good point.
20:42Yes, we still want you.
20:53Wow, you're really vocal.
20:57I see you've left me back.
20:59Do you fancy a quick ho-down, fro-down?
21:02Uh, well-
21:03Uh, dance.
21:04I'm asking you to dance.
21:05Yes, I'd love a dance.
21:07I'd love a dance.
21:09If he's dead, is it my fault?
21:11What have I missed?
21:13Joel's back.
21:15David.
21:16Would you care to...
21:17Sure enough?
21:18Allow me to take off your bib.
21:23Is that Samson's scarf?
21:24No, Andrew.
21:28It's yours.
21:31It's time for change.
21:33Change.
21:34I won't let you down.
21:35Unless my brain breaks again.
21:39Woo!
21:44It gets a stay.
21:48You're happy, right?
21:50Yeah.
21:51You're great.
21:54Renewed.
21:56Full of purpose.
21:57All the time I see you falling, I go down on my knees and breathe.
22:07I wait until the fire, I go on my way.
22:11See the looks that I can see.
22:14All the time I see you falling, I go down on my knees and breathe.
22:39I wait until the fire, I go down on my knees and breathe.
22:44See the looks that I can see.
Recommended
44:00
|
Up next
24:34
21:00
21:22
22:33
41:32
43:40
43:43
1:23:00
41:31
24:16
24:27
11:35
44:31
48:03
24:31
44:50
44:45
41:15
1:06:32
24:09
50:10
Be the first to comment