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  • 2 days ago
Transcript
00:00MUSIC
00:14Greetings. Spotlight.
00:18Today marks the beginning of a new chapter for the Order.
00:27First, some woman news.
00:30I'd like you all to give a warm welcome to your new Head of Decorum, Maud.
00:40Ear checks today, girls. If they're unpierced, you have nothing to hide.
00:45Thank you, Maud. Multiple blessings show adorn upon thee.
00:50You're welcome, Hilda Samson.
00:53Now, I just want to reassure all my former opponents that there will be no witch hunt.
01:03Unless your dead wife was a witch, like Andrew's.
01:06Samson, what possible grounds have you to believe?
01:10She were dabbling in the occult.
01:14Witness the chakra necklace.
01:18Behold the wishing candle.
01:22And mark ye what is clearly a dream catcher.
01:27That's a wind chime.
01:28The devil's wind chime.
01:30It leaves me with no choice but to posthumously exclude Mary.
01:38It's a shame she won't be joining us in paradise.
01:41I will track you to hell, Samson. To hell!
01:49And finally, in happier news, I'm pleased to announce the wedding of my son, Joshua.
01:56What?
01:59It's the heartfelt decision of two people. His wife-to-be and me.
02:06I'm so happy.
02:08Samson has spoken.
02:10You were dragging your heels, son. I did why any good father would.
02:19And if I refuse?
02:20You've worked so hard to return to the light.
02:24It would be a shame if you fell into darkness now.
02:27Has anyone seen my roomie?
02:29Hello, roomie. So happy for you. I'd love to invite you to your own stag.
02:34You printed these? How long have you known without telling me?
02:39You're gonna love bowling.
02:58David, I feel we ought to clear the air after everything.
03:04Yes. A good old air clear. A frank, state-of-the-nation marriage chat.
03:12I'm suddenly craving some squash.
03:14I'll just go check on Aaron.
03:15Good talk. You're not actually going through with this.
03:17I don't know, Rachel. I've been processing it for about 80 seconds.
03:22You don't know?
03:23I feel like you gave up a say in my life when you rejected me.
03:27Okay?
03:29Why don't you go focus on the match you picked?
03:32Okay. I will.
03:36Hey, Jeb. My actual boyfriend. I want to talk next steps.
03:40You mean like marriage?
03:42Yep. That's what I want.
03:44I want to marry you forever.
03:47That tattoo's misspelled. No, no. Forget it. Blocking it out.
03:50I'd love to get married. Though a little thought on that. Modern thought. Jeb thought.
03:54What's the thought, Jeb?
03:56Before we entwine for eternity, maybe we should check chemistry.
04:00Like physical chemistry. Talking about banging, Rachel.
04:06Sure. Let's do it.
04:08Really? No, don't question it. She said yes.
04:11I want Samson destroyed, obliterated, struck down until vultures pick over his carcass.
04:20Andrew. This is a new violence I had to you. I like it.
04:24You can rest easy, Andrew. I overheard Samson's postcode. He may as well give up now.
04:28I'm going to need more to understand how that's even vaguely relevant, David.
04:31Okay. We begin at a little place called Go Parcel.
04:34A trainee, let's call him David, is handed a scanner. A scanner it feels like he was born with.
04:38Samson has a secret address in a wealthy postcode. If we go there, we can prove he's embezzling.
04:43You've grossly oversimplified, Aaron. Oh, well, you know when he's out.
04:47Hey, guys. Just checking your clothing. Only joking. You're all men, so everything's fine.
04:53I bring stag invites. Everyone's coming. Even Samson. Samson's coming.
04:57Yeah, thanks, Abijah. We're trying to work out when Samson will be out.
05:04Orange blackcurrant. Engagement flavour. It's orange mixed with blackcurrant. Try it.
05:20Suit yourself. I have a proposal for you. What's that?
05:26The chance to start afresh. Annulment.
05:30Do you know the difference between divorce and annulment, Fiona?
05:34Annulment is where the marriage never happened. God never approved the union.
05:40As if the partnership were just a sort of cosmic accident.
05:46Samson can make it happen.
05:48You sicken me. Just leave that there.
05:50Just leave that there.
05:51Fiona, just to say, Aaron is craving more work experience. So we're going to...
06:09What's that? Absolutely nothing. Just an empty brown envelope?
06:23Yeah. Oh. Okay.
06:27So tonight, do you think he's going to want to get straight to it?
06:33Well, he brought it up an hour ago and he's a man, so I'm going to say yes.
06:36And how far have you gotten to this point?
06:38Far enough.
06:39So, like, oral?
06:41He kissed me on the forehead once.
06:45You want to have sex and so far you've only had forehead action.
06:49Look, no more questions, okay?
06:51Josh is getting married. I need to get over it.
06:55Yeah, I vape now. I can handle it.
06:57Rachel, here's my read.
06:59You're trying to talk yourself into sex with one boy because you're sad about another.
07:03You're doing that while sucking on a USB stick. Honestly, not great vibes.
07:09Julia, are you going to be my sex mentor or not?
07:12Who am I to stop a girl having sex for bad reasons?
07:15Let's hit the chemist.
07:16We're going to need all the lube and condoms you can fit into your shaking Puritan hands.
07:24Isn't this the coolest place you've ever seen?
07:26I mean, check out those tags. I defo heard someone call them tags.
07:29The same person that said defo?
07:31Yes, it was, yes. Did you see they have a photo loo?
07:33So it's half photo booth, half portaloo.
07:35Can you believe it's the only one in the world?
07:38I can't believe that, yeah.
07:40Samson, wifeless traitor.
07:42Okay, we'll be lained any second, guys.
07:44Just a slight mix-up of the refreshments package.
07:46To confirm, you want to swap out the vodka carousels for kids' pizzas?
07:50Yes, this is a stag do, you see.
07:57We have however long Samson can tolerate bowling.
08:01Are you sure this is the right place?
08:03Aaron, you can question me on a lot of things.
08:06My brain, my manhood, my compulsion to collect RGB cables.
08:11But postcodes?
08:13Stay in your lane.
08:15Oh, what did I tell you, Aaron?
08:23I'm 80% sure those are his shoes.
08:25Yeah.
08:26There's also shoes picking on him as Moses.
08:28Oh.
08:30Who's a bi-shoe in that?
08:31Some kind of wretched man.
08:34You can take photos through the window and then rush back.
08:36Rush back?
08:37Aaron, things are a bit wibbly with your mum.
08:40So how about no rush and instead we spend some quality father-son time invading this house.
08:45That's the most unheeliest thing I've ever heard.
08:52Oh.
08:53This one's open already.
08:54It's definitely locked.
08:56Just jammed.
08:57If anyone can clear a jam, David can.
09:09You just broke into a house?
09:11Mm-hmm.
09:12In we go.
09:16Isn't it great you're missing school for this?
09:18Sorry guys, I said there wasn't going to be anything raunchy.
09:27But apparently you do have to put finger and thumb all the way in.
09:31Josh, check out those giant man mouths.
09:34It's like we're bowling colored meatballs into our dads.
09:40Abijah, I came here so on top, I thought Satan himself couldn't bring me down.
09:46Turns out spending five minutes with you will do it.
09:50Goodbye.
09:52Leaving before you embarrass yourself, Samson.
09:55Three rounds.
09:57You versus me.
10:01You want to take this to the lanes.
10:04I will scatter those pins like the great flood.
10:10So it begins.
10:16I'm sorry, this is yours.
10:18I suppose we both hurt each other.
10:20David put his hand in the VCR.
10:22I massaged Andrew's neck.
10:24Who knows which is worse?
10:25Your thing is worse.
10:27Easily.
10:28Who cares?
10:30You've been thrown this life raft after ten long years drowning in David.
10:34Where do you sign?
10:35I'm not signing it, Melissa.
10:36Why are you so allergic to happiness?
10:38Fiona, is it possible you might be craving physical attention?
10:43Attention?
10:44Fulfillment.
10:45You mean with David?
10:47I said fulfillment.
10:49This should definitely be a solo mission.
10:53Getting married just to stay in the yard, that's crazy, right?
10:57Well, if you marry her, you'll get to have sex.
11:00What?
11:01There's no key to this lock, Joshua.
11:03And I have to wear it 24-7.
11:05Well, not when you're sleeping.
11:06Of course when I'm sleeping.
11:07I wear my boxers and this.
11:09Josh, Heather is a lovely girl.
11:11I'm not so sure.
11:12I only catch about 20% of what she says.
11:15And what I do here is really disturbing.
11:18The gutters are calling your name, Samson.
11:20Goodbye, sir.
11:22Bring me the frame.
11:23The frame is for children.
11:25We never specified we couldn't use the frame.
11:27No one didn't specify we were using the gutter either.
11:29As you wish.
11:48Yo-a-moo, bowler.
11:51I don't think anyone here understands bowling.
11:54What's this?
11:56Potos of David.
11:57He gives me that album whenever he's away
11:59in case I miss him so much it's unbearable.
12:03Looks dusty.
12:04Yeah.
12:09Wait, this is David?
12:10Yeah.
12:11I suppose it is.
12:12It's the best I've ever seen him. Look.
12:15This is before he joined the order.
12:16Right.
12:17Your religion makes people unfuckable.
12:19Hmm?
12:21You sure you don't want to press the red button
12:22and start World War wank?
12:24What's wank?
12:26I've got some wine.
12:29I know you won't be able to get there on your own.
12:34Do you know what?
12:35Now we're inside.
12:36I don't think this is any better than our house.
12:39It has marble pillars.
12:41Yeah.
12:42The place is so fragile it needs pills.
12:44Let's log anything incriminating but faster.
12:46Lightning fast.
12:47My disposable from 2004.
12:51It says it's out of shops but it just keeps clicking.
12:56Let it ring out, Dad.
12:58I'll go one better.
12:59I'll hang up.
13:00Cut it off at the source.
13:02Chief Elder, it's Maud.
13:05I have a final count of congregant piercings.
13:08We have twelve ears, three nasal septums and one unmentionable.
13:13Samson?
13:15Are you there?
13:16Who am I speaking to?
13:18The pool cleaner.
13:20The pool cleaner?
13:22What's your name?
13:24David Lewis.
13:26Dad!
13:27Aaron!
13:28The last name she'd expect David Lewis to make up is David Lewis.
13:31Now she's mentally ruled out David Lewis.
13:36There's so much to get my head around.
13:39Condoms.
13:40Dental dams.
13:41Dental dams aren't real, Rachel.
13:43I've never seen one.
13:45No one has.
13:46You should just man up and get an STI like a grown up.
13:50Extra large condoms.
13:51This will boost his ego without making any real difference.
13:57Two in one lube.
13:58That way, you can pivot into massage when you inevitably get overwhelmed.
14:06And what have you got there?
14:08Snacks.
14:09For...after.
14:11Rachel.
14:13I think you're ready.
14:21David, you gorgeous, godless man.
14:33They've nearly finished what Andrew's describing as a bowling jewel.
14:37You gotta go.
14:38Dad?
14:40The confessional tapes.
14:41These ones are on video.
14:43He's indexed them.
14:44Joel admits to Pornhub backslide.
14:47Fiona.
14:48Dad?
14:49Fiona says she doesn't love her husband.
14:51There's another Fiona in the order, right?
14:54I'm struggling to remember her name because I'm worried she doesn't exist, but...
14:58There must be one.
15:00Dad, we need to go now.
15:01Think he'll notice?
15:02Will he notice that you've destroyed the painting of him as god?
15:15Yes!
15:16Okay.
15:17Let me make this right.
15:18How could you possibly make this right?
15:19You've ruined everything!
15:20Aaron, I may seem like a fool, but no matter how much I fall short, or whom your mother massages, there's one thing I can do.
15:31I can parcel.
15:32It's not a parcel!
15:33You're wrong.
15:34Everything we touch, everything in this world is a parcel.
15:38If only you have the eyes to see.
15:40Now.
15:44Let's dance.
15:50Let's dance.
16:11Okay.
16:13Done.
16:15Don't share what you witnessed today, Aaron.
16:17If the world knew of my gift, I could never lead a normal life.
16:20What?
16:22Here we are, Andrew.
16:25Your error of judgment.
16:27I must confess, you had me worried in frame five.
16:31And then God cursed you with a seven-tenth split.
16:39Three pins to win.
16:50Mary.
16:58Mary.
17:10Impossible.
17:15I believe we call that a miracle.
17:17I sat on the gutter button.
17:24Should we give Samson a re-ball?
17:26Shut up, Abijah.
17:27Pleasure.
17:30Well, my little sex padawan, I go no further.
17:34Just remember, priority one, enthusiastic consent.
17:39Priority two, condoms.
17:42Priority three, bank transfer me for the condoms.
17:45What?
17:46Wait, now?
17:47Later.
17:48Or during, if you're bored.
17:59Hey.
18:03Oh, what's in your bag?
18:04Oh, just things.
18:07Objects.
18:09Accoutrements.
18:11Accoutrements?
18:13Do you want a drink, or should we just crack on?
18:16Er, Jeb.
18:18Have you ever known anyone else?
18:21As in had sex with?
18:23Let's stick with known, I'm comfortable with known.
18:25Well, before I committed, a girl did tempt me.
18:27But then I found God and swore to be with no other until my soulmate.
18:31But if you're asking, the number is six.
18:34Hmm.
18:35Uh-huh.
18:36Those are my weight.
18:38I can do the big ones for five minutes or the small ones for half an hour.
18:43Dad, that was...
18:45incredible.
18:46You doomed us to incompetence and saved us by being deeply bizarre.
18:50That's how I roll.
18:52When I break into a house, I do it David-style.
18:57You broke into a house?
19:01Aaron, I'll let you take this one.
19:03Dad, I won't lie.
19:05In that case, I'll take it.
19:07So...
19:08You broke into a house.
19:10And you did it David-style.
19:15What's David-style, David?
19:18Well, it was Samson's house, and I jimmied the window.
19:22With a trowel.
19:26Jimmied?
19:27I leveraged it with my arm until the window gave way.
19:35So, to be clear.
19:37You staked out our Chief Elder's house.
19:41And then you broke in.
19:43With your strength.
19:47Like a bad man.
19:51Bad, bad man, David.
19:54What's happening?
19:56Aaron, go to the shops for at least 45 minutes.
19:59Do I have to go now? It's quite late.
20:01Yeah, now.
20:03There's my first love you.
20:05Should I accompany him or...?
20:07You come with me.
20:09Okay.
20:10Take the tool belt off.
20:11Leave it on!
20:13David.
20:16Push the beds together.
20:18What?
20:20I want you to push the beds together, David.
20:23Oh.
20:33Show me your strength.
20:37Is that Maud's pie dish?
20:44I want it to see.
20:53I want it.
20:56Jeb, just FYI.
20:58The Bible quote's in the bathroom.
21:00Two of them are wrong.
21:01One of them's from Lord of the Rings.
21:02Oh, gosh, you're in my bag.
21:04Got curious.
21:06Don't worry, it's all good.
21:07My only question is why you bought these?
21:09The snacks?
21:10Yeah, they're for...
21:14Thought we might need them.
21:16Why?
21:18So I don't get pregnant.
21:20I mean, everything we do is God's plan.
21:23Why not let him decide?
21:25Yeah, I just...
21:26I don't know if I even want children.
21:29You're gonna be my wife.
21:30Of course there'll be children.
21:31But I know you're independent,
21:32so we can compromise and only have three.
21:35Well, what about my career?
21:37Well, you only want one of those
21:38because you don't have kids, right?
21:40No!
21:42Rachel...
21:43Samson won't let you work anyway.
21:45Feel better now?
21:50Look, I told you I'd been with people before.
21:54How about you?
21:56No, no one.
21:58Good.
21:59I was worried Joshua had ruined you.
22:02Okay, I'm gonna go.
22:04Rach?
22:06Rachel, come on, baby.
22:08I'll fix the bathroom Bible quotes.
22:10I know that's what this is about.
22:19This is the best day of my life.
22:31Stop talking, David!
22:32Oh!
22:33Go!
22:34Get the heck, baby!
22:35Don't you put me through the roof?
22:37Do you better push the button and let me know before I...
22:43Get the heck, baby!
22:46Get the heck, baby!
22:48That I control, I control.
22:50Get the heck, baby.
22:53You better push the button and let me know before I...
22:57It's the one that didn't go
22:59You're gonna miss the freak that I could
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