- 6 hours ago
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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00oh shit says here the large intestine should be placed before the small intestine of course
00:12it is the order of intestines that would explain why my monster cannot digest corn i'm gonna have
00:18to open the brute up again please no more cutting oh no no sorry i wasn't talking about you i was
00:23talking about another shambolic monstrosity what the shit was that sounded bad really bad where is
00:34it coming from it sounded like it came from out here it's coming from sean's house this way yes
00:47what the blazes we need to help him come on oh shit we're coming in sean thank you
00:58is he drunk sean's always drunk this is far more serious ecstatic one minute distraught the next
01:12and he's wrestling with control of his body i've seen this before yes i've seen this before too
01:18sean is possessed by a demon oh i thought you meant you've seen sean's basement before
01:24a demon is a malevolent spirit from the underworld in search of a human body to inhabit and if it's
01:30not swiftly expelled it can obliterate a human soul entirely basically it's just like a red guy
01:37sometimes with horns sometimes not and one of these red bastards penetrated sean
01:42which i will not tolerate whatever you do do not make eye contact yes sorry not with me you
01:49idiot with sean hey seany oh i can't take it i'm going to diane's until this is over you cannot
01:56abandon sean in his hour of need uncle this is ridiculous every year with this march madness
02:01i had not heard of this march madness before throughout time humans have confused demonic
02:08possession with seasonal mental illness like when a frost ghoul poisons your soul and they call
02:14it the winter blaze exactly that
02:18we should put him out of his misery what the fuck are you doing that's surely he's our friend
02:27the demon is expelling his life force from within fucking hell
02:36don't sing if you want to live long they have no use for your song you're dead you're dead you're dead
02:47you're dead and out of this world now i hope that compassion is gone you've sold out your dream to the world
02:56stay dead stay dead stay dead you're dead and out of this world
03:03so yeah since i've never worked in an office before i guess i didn't know how important it was
03:16to have an office identity for example there's jimmy and raj they're like the office sports guys
03:22there's danny who's the office barefoot guy oh and marla her whole thing is being the office dog lady
03:28which is awesome because i love when marla brings her dog and it pisses everywhere
03:32so yeah just a little worried that i don't have an office identity
03:35can you give me a second please colin colin colin yeah hey i don't understand why do you have a
03:47leaf blower there are no leaves on the ground well not yet there aren't do you think you could give
03:52us like two minutes yeah okay thank you
03:54sorry about that so yeah i'm just a little concerned that i might not have an office identity whatsoever
04:04are you kidding that's not good i ain't good at all how about office crossword guy no that's taken
04:11office hot guy no taken by jacob office not hot guy but has a hot wife you know what maybe it's not
04:20that big of a deal it's fine no trust me it's a big deal i've literally worked in 137 different offices
04:25it definitely is a big deal how about and i don't think you could pull this off office funny guy do you
04:33get one of those unfortunately we do it all sort of happened by an accident really
04:38canon capital strategies canon capital strategies
04:42a phone rang and then i saw a banana and i did this thing where i pretended the banana was the phone
04:48yes i'll connect you yes i'll connect you i can't believe no one has ever thought of it before
04:53yes that offer is very appealing my co-worker lisa she totally gets me lisa i'm conferencing you in
05:02oh she's like the louise to my thelma if that movie was a banana comedy lisa it's your nana
05:09she's dying she's loving it also look it's a gun so long story short i guess i'm the office funny
05:23girl that is good okay pivoting how about and please don't take this the wrong way office mexican
05:32guy that's borderline racist okay sorry and yes i looked into it but jose in compliance has that
05:38office gay no that's taken same guy office slut this guy is multi-talented okay just give me a couple
05:46minutes can you turn that off it helps me think i just need two minutes
05:52any chance you could speed this up oh i'm sorry am i going too slow maybe it's because i'm exhausted
06:01working around the clock with jerry jerry but are you guys like boyfriend and girlfriend now
06:07what or just like friends with painy feats that's what i'm hearing anyway he's working on his plans
06:12to take over north america working on his plan to take over your underwear more like what say we get
06:17on with the business at hand and summon the fucking demon so i got the question yes do we repeat after
06:26you no what i needed to do is just focus on hell yes get on with it please the best way to expel a demon
06:34is to summon a bigger demon to then scare the fucking hell out of the existing demon everyone knows that
06:40hello i have prowled the depths of the underworld for nigh on an eternity waiting to be summoned back
06:59to so fear and chaos once again welcome evil one what season is it it is spring oh dark one
07:07uh real quick what month specifically march man of the nether region it's it's march yes oh yes
07:16delicious and uh which of these college squads got their tickets punched to the ncaa's big dance
07:25this year he's looking at me i haven't got a clue what he's talking about any uh cinderella stories
07:30what's fine for a chance in the sweet 16 i think this demon is really into college basketball for some
07:35reason you guys have to fill out your brackets what have you summoned i don't know how this
07:39happened the game's on here they play basketball in college what about their studies
07:48let us go into eat this young squad from gonzaga is about to have their character put to the ultimate
07:54test especially because they don't have a big man they can't really effectively punch it down low like
08:00uconn and produce so
08:06you're sure you can't see the outline of my dick in these pants like bro it's right there you definitely
08:10can't see it well i don't see it it's fine i want people to yeah i think you can see it you can anyone
08:15can fuck these pants you got basketball tonight you know a baby bring on the first date what are you
08:20doing here well i realized i can't really help you with your identity crisis without being boots on the
08:26ground no it's fine it's not that big no actually it is a huge deal if you don't make a splash you're
08:32just going to be another anonymous name on a list of expendable shit munching drones when the layoffs come
08:37what layoffs you know they're not going to lay off bobblehead mike over there it's not even his name
08:42oh really what is his name then bobblehead kyle exactly all right you just hang tight here i'm gonna
08:48get the lay of the land what do people even think you do here well they think i'm one of those hr
08:52guys that walks around telling people not to talk about tits and ass at work if i do it in a fun
08:57irreverent way hello i hear a joke second chance points you gotta limit the second chance points
09:06ah yes second chance mere offensive rebound and fate begins anew why the fuck are you telling me
09:13get over there and scare the demon out of sean yeah i'm getting there but i mean if they don't box out
09:17this game's over oh beautiful pass that's what we're talking about good d solid there he does
09:24shake that oh he's just watching the fucking boy demon guy get the fuck on with it
09:36give me a minute charmaine this thing's down to the wire what was that do it louder all right
09:41come in give me a goddamn bit all right that's it all right mr demon guy you can get up and go back
09:51to the underworld a message rises from the depths of the sports center harbinger grim news about the fate
10:00of gonzaga yay yay stop no spoilers i'm on a delay here all right who the fuck are you the souls of
10:08gonzaga are doomed to a fate worse than eternal hellfire banishment from this year's tournament
10:15whoa whoa whoa what you might want to check your bracket guy gonzaga is out there's like colossal
10:21bracket busting upset you gotta see the highlights you better watch your fucking mouth because i got a
10:26lot of money riding on this game i that money is gone friend they lost
10:31oh yes watch him squirm as the demon leaves his body what exactly is a gonzaga i thought they were
10:41the strongest team in the tournament you know they got a really good group of three and d players
10:46pretty deep bench but i'm so sorry to interrupt but should we just i don't know kill him yes i second
10:52day like forget human ambulance but call 9-1-1 wow look at nadja uh-huh she's killing it you could
11:01learn a thing or two 9-1-1 i'm having intrusive thoughts could someone direct me to the suicide hotline
11:11she had him uh okay so i've narrowed down our options we're gonna go for the office loud
11:16laugher well you need to that's cindy next option how about the repressed hothead i don't even know
11:22what that is you know quiet guy but if you press the wrong buttons goes from zero to 60 at the drop
11:27of a hat i'm not really the kind of guy that yells at people no that's the beauty of it the repressed
11:32hothead only explodes once every few weeks you'd spend the majority of your time apologizing to
11:37everyone for your most recent outburst oh quarterly growth squad meetings in five let's do this thing
11:43guillermo you got my powerpoint slides my pee pee slides i got your pee pee right in my hand okay
11:48hey maybe you could be like the office piss guy no he's into piss just stay here okay hothead it is
11:55we'll talk about later guillermo next slide my man yes all right so here we have the projected growth
12:01numbers for q3 and it's conservative but it's still looking really good for 2.1 yeah but it could be
12:08nicer right and if we get rowdy with it i'll give you rowdy we cut half the workforce
12:13i bet we could jack that up to 2.2 maybe maybe 2.3 it's cooler than 2.1 percent growth 2.3 percent
12:21guillermo you all right yeah next slide please
12:28mr de la cruz do you know this guy no sorry everyone uh mr de la cruz if i could have you for
12:35a moment no i'm sure i can wait till after the meeting actually it's pretty time sensitive i need
12:39to talk to you just for a second okay all right quick just two sacks boss who's this guy again
12:44can you take a look at that this is the lunch menu yeah i wanted to get a head start on tomorrow's
12:50order that's great go with it what the fuck bro you come in here and interrupt us okay that's some
12:59fucking bs oh snap it's just getting real in here you want my order fine here take my order get a pen
13:04ready and write this down let's go damn i'll make sure to go real slow for you okay okay i'm a stupid
13:10fucking idiot oh my dear sean what have i done oh i'll move the rock oh jesus christ terrible pass
13:29lazy possession come on if i may have a word respectfully do you not think that it is perhaps
13:35time for you to let sean um how do i put this die how dare you humans they get hurt and then they die
13:43they are just temporary no human is special not even your sean a my sean a is special ah finally a
13:53fellow man of science may i humbly offer you my diagnosis my friend sean here he had a demon in him
14:01and his possession has sent him into what they call in the medical profession a real a-fucking-a-shit
14:07storm we all have webmd now don't we yes well it wasn't a heart attack if that's what you're
14:13referring to the technical term is a non-st elevation myocardial infarction did he say
14:18fuck sean i did not say that it's an infarction you just said it again it's just a minor heart
14:23incident tomato tomato all right well next time he may not be so lucky my friend's blood pressure
14:29is very high i'd recommend starting with diet and exercise well don't you worry about a thing
14:34under my supervision i'll have sean back to rude health oh shit come on that is that with the wild
14:43cats out i shall join my bracket in hell now i begin the journey back to the eternal hellfire from whence
14:52i came see you bye then i like that guy did anyone else expect his journey back to hell to be a
15:05little cooler very much so ah there it is i really am sorry i saw this look in your eyes and i thought
15:18you were gonna punch me yeah well i wasn't we can work with this though guy getting punched in the
15:22face at the office that's a pretty cool identity stop stop is everyone looking at us yeah yeah they're
15:30all looking at him great come out with me and follow my lead okay okay can i have everyone's attention please
15:39earlier in the conference room a lot of you witness my colleague
15:45colin hello display behavior that was wildly unacceptable but i asked that we show colin some
15:54grace we don't know what's going on in his life we don't know the kind of day that he's having and
15:59that's why mental health is so important yeah so i may have accidentally punched guillermo again
16:12and again and again and again i kind of lost track why did i punch guillermo i gotta be honest i i don't
16:22know uh your guess is as good as mine don't you get stuck to me don't you step to me get him out of
16:29here hello i would like to report an ass kicking i made you know it was a microphone
16:40i will say though felt effing fantastic now don't you worry about a thing jean i should be right by your
16:47side every step of your road to recovery i won't ask you to do a thing i wouldn't do myself we're
16:53a team i'll do respect last i feel like we're kind of jumping in the deep end here you know
16:57why don't we ditch these stupid treadmills head over to jersey mike's set up a diet and exercise plan
17:04maybe order a footlong while we're at it the good times can wait oh you know in another life i think
17:09i'd be a good host you know like daytime stuff i think definitely yeah back in alcal nadal when a
17:16fellow warrior would fall on the battlefield the honorable thing to do would be to take care of that
17:23man's wife until he got back on his feet and so as sean heals i am here for charmaine taking out the
17:32garbage washing up you're welcome fixing what needs fixing watching what she likes on the
17:44television which is mostly humans falling over which is considered peak tv because you take one
17:53peak and you love it do i like nandor yeah sure i feel bad for the guy he's a little slow i mean that's
18:03why you guys are making this right a documentary about a slow guy so nandor is there someone special
18:10in your life there is someone i never had feelings for but then very recently i have seen her in a new
18:19light and this is given by his two feelings i i do not understand well does she know how you feel
18:25honestly charmaine i do not even know how i feel well you should tell her i should tell no one can you
18:32keep this secret charmaine good because if you don't i'll kill you in your sleep okay mom's the word
18:40i know this is going to hurt but pain is just weakness leaving the body is pain also piss leaving
18:45the body because i think i paid my shorts a little come on sure harder faster you love the ball prove it
18:54fucking stop that wasn't that bad how do i stop it yeah that's the stuff
19:03nanto have you ever done this before no
19:05is everything okay oh no we must definitely do something about that after this episode of love
19:19island we go bye-bye now come on
19:26sorry i pushed you so hard sean i tried to extend your pathetic short human life now i realize i should
19:33just cherish the time we have hey listen sha can you give laz and i a moment here really yeah you
19:40and nandor go take a lap you okay over there nandor you wanna go get a snack sure yeah let's get this
19:48off your hands okay so what's on your mind sean hay look laz my pop died young my gramps died young
19:58i'm probably gonna die young yeah yeah it's all right there's nothing i can do about it there's
20:06nothing that you can do about it either it's a cruel cruel world oh no don't be down it's actually a
20:14good thing knowing that my life is short makes me savor every moment i might not be here for long
20:21but while i am i'm gonna live life to the fullest to the fullest on the more important matters you
20:30talk to that guy mike about the thing yes oh oh where the hell charme i gotta get this down quick
20:40and i can't get in fast enough i can see that uh so sorry i'm just getting a call from my doctor
20:48that's enough give me that it's gross no no doctor doctor there's a monkey trying to steal my family
20:52Guillermo can i grab you for a sec great come on and take a seat okay hey and uh close the door behind
20:59you please okay about yesterday yes i'm so sorry about the commotion it'll never happen again just i
21:06understand the optics of the situation are not great okay gay poc beat up by a white guy who's
21:13bald on top of everything else i'm not sure being bald makes it worse but we just never want a situation
21:19where an employee feels unsafe yeah so unsafe that they feel like they need to talk to a lawyer yeah
21:29oh you think i'm gonna sue the company whoa calm down those are your words not mine
21:35yeah but seriously are you it's you could tell me what are we doing here no no i'm not gonna sue the
21:41company no knew there was something special about you hombre makes me think you know cone of silence
21:46here there are some things happening at canon that you could be very helpful with oh anything some legal
21:52gray areas sec wise you feel me brad yeah secc it's nothing bad it's just some corporate red tape
21:59bullshit kind of want to look the other way so we can get back to doing good business yeah that
22:04sound like something you could handle yes all right at my last job i had to keep a lot of secrets all
22:12right yeah tight as a vault right in fact that's what i'm gonna call you now the vault the tight vault
22:19just the vault calling being the out of me was probably the best thing that ever happened to me
22:23so i guess that's my thing definitely that's amazing i finally have an identity
22:30maybe keep it between us how much i brought up your race and your sexuality in this meeting
22:35i am the vault aren't i hey my guy i'm trustworthy i'm strong back to work yeah i'm the tight vault
22:44just the vault
23:02i'm going to invite the guy to watch wipe out with me no pressure i mean we can just be friends
23:08watching tv or we can make out we'll see how it goes oh jerry hey are those for me yes
23:22are you gonna sure
23:31fuck it where there is light there are shadows
23:35hands reaching for your neck in each heart is built a gallows
23:43i'm a noose and amulet and they crawl out in the lies
23:49and borrow deep in memory
24:06three men can keep a secret if two of them are dead
24:08Three men can keep a secret
24:12If two of them are dead
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