- 6 hours ago
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Nando has disappeared.
00:18Nando?
00:19No one has seen or heard from him in weeks.
00:22Well, not since Gizmo fired him.
00:24Nando?
00:25Gave him the old heave-ho from his janitor job.
00:28The blade of the proverbial guillotine has dropped and the blood of Nando's broken dreams
00:34has pooled at Gizmo's oddly shaped feet.
00:37So yeah, we've tried just about everything to find Nando.
00:42Set traps, checked the vents, hung posters.
00:47We have even yelled his name very loudly into the wind.
00:51NANDOR!
00:54Piss off.
00:55You shut the fuck up.
00:56That broody little bitch is missing.
00:58The dude is gone.
00:59We can't find the fucker anywhere.
01:02Five dollars seems like a lot.
01:05Hey.
01:06I can't even look at you.
01:08Any update on Nando?
01:09Not since you fired him.
01:11From the job he loved.
01:12What a coincidence.
01:13You have a lot of drugs coming in here.
01:14Floating traitor.
01:15Floating away with your little bitch wave.
01:16Hello?
01:17Yes?
01:18It's the Baron.
01:19And he knows where Nando is.
01:20Don't tell him about the reward money.
01:21I thought we might have a bite of lunch while we talk.
01:22Let's see what we have here.
01:23Some punch, some jelly blood.
01:24And yes, the sire prepared the finger foods.
01:25Mmm, my compliments to the chef.
01:26Again, like I mentioned in my email, I don't eat blood, so maybe just a crescent roll or...
01:31Uh, sire, would you play that tape of Nando, please?
01:34This was recorded by a vampire monitoring the ether.
01:38Mmm, my compliments to the chef.
01:41Again, like I mentioned in my email, I don't eat blood,
01:45so maybe just a crescent roll or...
01:47Sire, would you play that tape of Nandor, please?
01:52This was recorded by a vampire monitoring the ether.
01:58Brungermis abound, and only I can defeat them.
02:03I used to think ghouls were just the spirits of the dead,
02:07but now I know they walk among the living, too,
02:10up and down Wall Street,
02:13with their suits and their ties
02:16and their build-your-own-salad bowls.
02:19I watched a snail crawl across the edge
02:23of one of those things I used to shave.
02:26What's it called? Razor.
02:28Not a knife.
02:29Stinking razor.
02:30Those things called again a sharpie?
02:32Enough!
02:34Well, yikes.
02:36Yikes!
02:37Indeed.
02:38Oh, he used to be one of the most promising vampires
02:40in this new world.
02:42Well, I wouldn't go that far.
02:43But now, he is unrecognizable.
02:46Dangerous.
02:47Dangerous, you say?
02:48Yes.
02:49We are hearing reports of increasingly erratic behavior.
02:53Nandor is drawing attention.
02:56Too much attention.
02:58And attention puts all vampires at risk.
03:02Understood.
03:03He must be stupid.
03:06So, Nandor's here?
03:08Yes.
03:09We traced Nandor's dispatches to that location.
03:12Go to New Hampshire,
03:13Retrieve.
03:14Retrieve.
03:15Nandor.
03:16And with haste.
03:17And with haste.
03:18Don't sing if you wanna live long.
03:20Have no use for your song.
03:22You're dead, you're dead, you're dead.
03:24You're dead and out of this world.
03:26You'll never get a second chance.
03:28And all your moves in advance.
03:29Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead, stay dead.
03:31Stay dead and out of this world.
03:33You'll never get a second chance.
03:36And all your moves in advance.
03:39Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead.
03:42Stay dead and out of this world.
03:45Shadows, lights, baby.
03:50You're dead.
03:53Okay, so we made it to New Hampshire.
03:56The dossier said that Nandor is hiding here
03:59at the Hancock and Sons factory.
04:02I mean, it was the factory until you
04:04and your canon capital cronies stripped it down for parts.
04:07Actually, a leveraged buy-out is a pretty neat way
04:09for a failing business to reinvent itself for the future.
04:12Shut up here, Ma.
04:13Okay.
04:14All right.
04:16What the hell happened here?
04:18Stay close, my darling.
04:19Hey, look.
04:20What if the H, A, and N were missing?
04:22Get it?
04:23No.
04:24Cock and Sons.
04:25Oh.
04:26Smells like slow death in here.
04:30Malaria.
04:31Nightmares.
04:32A little dusty.
04:33Nightmares.
04:34Nan-man?
04:35Are you here?
04:36Nan-man?
04:37There is no Nan-man here.
04:43There is only Nando the Relentless.
04:48Warrior.
04:49Leader.
04:50So, Nan-Nando, have you been here the whole time since you were, um...
04:51Fired?
04:52Yes.
04:53I have.
04:54I have.
04:55And, uh, why?
04:56Vampire only explanations.
04:57That means not your gear, Ma.
04:58Okay.
04:59When one is burned.
05:00One feels most at home amongst the ashes.
05:02Which is why I came here.
05:03To the husk of the Hancock and Sons factory.
05:05Amongst others that had been discarded.
05:06by Canon kept up.
05:07Oh.
05:08Oh.
05:09Oh.
05:10I have.
05:11I have.
05:12I have.
05:13I have.
05:14means not your gear mom when one is burned one feels most at home amongst the ashes
05:26which is why i came here to the husk of the hancock and sons factory amongst others that
05:33had been discarded by canon capital strategies but what i found oh what i found
05:43a bunch of preppy crap crappy essentials and no i found soldiers many of the humans left when the
05:55jobs did those that remained they needed they craved a leader a warrior a commander and they
06:05became my army and where is this army in the field awaiting our next strike which reminds me i have
06:17a war council meeting now you may walk with me if you must oh mind the shirt pins they're
06:23fucking everywhere so nando this army you have raised what is the end game to conquer to take
06:32the battle town by town from here to the very steps of canon capital itself right but um
06:39um why so that canon capital will rule the day they cast out their greatest warrior
06:48ah we are here good evening comrades fuck my old boots gravy
06:56uh so this is your war council yes and who are these chaps my reserves and what about them
07:06my concubines shit ah now look i really need to get on with my strategy session unless you have
07:12any more questions i do no are you okay what is he still doing here well i drove you
07:20you are the enemy an errand boy sent by greengrocers to spy on me leave i'm not the enemy tell him see
07:31you later bugger off okay i will be out here well it looks like you've had quite the exciting time
07:38here nando no one can deny that but what say we go home now before you freak the out of anyone else
07:43this is my home the battlefield okay what is that major bricks a maneuver from the east perhaps
08:00i think it's safe to assume he's gone absolutely mad yeah i don't like using this word but he is
08:04crazy oh no you do not get to use that word you twee demon he's like this because of you but yes
08:12he is absolutely crazy well we can't just leave him here like this unless can we
08:22no we cannot he's a danger to himself how about we sit him down and say hey you're nuts stop it
08:29stop being nuts you see someone is well versed in psychology well let's just grab him by the neck and
08:34yank him out of this hell box we can't to extract nando by force would be like waking a sleepwalker
08:40so what then there is only one solution we role play the scenario that nando has concocted in
08:46his mind in time our presence will shine a light on the holes in his fantasy and he can follow that
08:51light back to reality so shutter island rules so to speak
09:00we are the hollow men well it's worth a shot all right okay i'm in excellent
09:08fuck off what you need to go now why because he believes you are the enemy but i'm not the enemy
09:13what are you still doing here bye bitch okay bye bye bitch keep walking bitch stop calling me
09:18bitch sorry bitch bit busy your army we'd like to enlist sir what if you wish to be in my army
09:30then you will all address me as sir okay i'm out yes sir yes sir good so basic training begins now
09:44you are clay so weak poopy but i am here to mold you yes sir make you strong to shape you
10:04i joined the royal navy a few years ago for the sea the sun and mainly the sex but what i'm finding
10:09here is just a lot of marching that's it push-ups for no reason 20 000 and one 20 000 and two and
10:16no one's offered me anything that looks like a medal what the fuck shave your own head okay
10:27i did not realize being in nando's fake army would involve so much of doing what nando says
10:34he's very lucky that i have that rule about not killing the demented
10:39whoo sure nandor's military delusions are a strange little brew a dash of memories from his
10:48time in alcalnador and a sprinkle of war movies he's seen over the years but heck if i don't want to
10:55take another sip
11:00well maggots you are trained and trained well especially you colin robinson you are very
11:08violent alexa please pause the music okay thank you alexa is my director of internal coms okay so on to
11:19your assignments let's lock craven's worth yeah intelligence obviously naja of anti-paxos
11:28signal call what is that never mind who gives a shit colin robinson command logistics command
11:35logistics logistics logistics yes yes now listen up tonight is a proud night together we will take
11:44back the honor the power the respect that canon capital have so cruelly tried to take away okay so
11:53this is a pit of shit can we not just make dandall think that this stupid imaginary battle has happened
11:58already and how do we do that i know shoot me it's not a real gun colin robinson it's a decorative
12:04firearm from the outdoorsman section all right then whack me with it hard all right
12:11again harder though really yes
12:15how is this going to help with the nandor thing what nandor thing hold on i think i've got it i've
12:20thought of a way that nandor will think that the war is won a ruse de guerre that'll make the trojan
12:25horse look like a witless charles papier-mâché fuck i'm good now all i need is the adequate supplies from
12:31this hit forsaken town wait you guys can leave but i don't want nandor to think i'm a deserter i ain't no
12:38deserter
12:47you live a thousand years and you think you know what betrayal is what horror is awaiting further
12:56orders sir but then in a single instant you find out you haven't the slightest idea what man is truly
13:04capable of oh man that sounds rough out there nandor listen i've got to move on to the next color but
13:09did you want to request a song uh yes i would like to request scarborough fair by simon and the garfund
13:16no let's limit the public broadcast the brass back home are getting a little squirrely but to whom am
13:21i supposed to all right oh me you big lummox all right now you were saying something about the horror
13:30you know what my darling it feels like an eternity since we've had some time alone oh it does it does
13:37so what is the plan my dark lover well you'll see you'll see i'll see yes what's the problem my
13:46darling i'm hearing a lot of this you'll see these days i'm hearing you'll see about the plan to fix
13:53nando's melted brain i'm hearing you'll see about the sex doll monster thing that you're creating in the
13:58basement well the sex doll monster thing not a sex doll is part of the grand plan which is complex
14:04scientific experiments that i don't think you'll understand oh so you're calling me stupid well of
14:10course not that's a stupid thing to say no no no no what i meant to say was something with the
14:17identical sentiment that wouldn't piss you off well it did shit in my empire colin robinson we will be free
14:28free from liars from the cowards who say you are not a good culture feat i dig that sir i hear that
14:37hey i thought i said this person was not welcome here you sure did sir yeah i know but if i keep
14:44charging my phone in the car it'll kill the battery so i'm just looking for an outlet don't mean to
14:48disrupt your whole war thing war thing this is a war no winky fingers okay enough
14:57private robinson would you give us a moment you got it traitor what did you say to me i'm sorry
15:07i'm done playing along with this fantasy i'm not the enemy and you know that you're just pissed
15:14you're pissed that i'm killing it at canon you're pissed that that you weren't a good culture fit
15:24lieutenant elixir tell this piece of shit to leave now playing leave get out by jojo wait for the chorus
15:34well i'm not the only one kept in the dark by their lovers extracurricular activities so you admit
15:44you keep me in the dark well no more than you keep me in the dark i haven't got a clue what you get up
15:49to a canon capital no so there is nothing to tell it is a job you show up you pretend to do
15:54shit and then you go home why the would you want to do that because it is better than sitting at home
15:59and twiddling with my tits while you are downstairs locked up in the basement with your meat parts
16:04all right all right all right all right my darling i think i know what's going on here give me your hand
16:10i need to apologize i'm listening clearly the reason for you being so over emotional
16:16is because it is your time of the month has a skill
16:20i can't believe you're blowing this one little setback so out of proportion i was humiliated
16:39do you even know what loyalty is guillermo do i know what loyalty is uh yeah i was blindly loyal to
16:44you for 15 years until you got rid of me i never got rid of you i protected you even through all the
16:52fuck-ups and the time you forgot to buy glitter and i want to be a vampire no actually i don't
16:57want to be a vampire the time you nearly killed a parent twice through that shit i was loyal i may have
17:05done a lot of things guillermo but i never got rid of you you think i felt good firing you i didn't
17:12want to fire you but that's how things are in the real world the human world i had to do it i used to
17:17be a human before i was a vampire in case you forgot i never betrayed my friends my comrades in arms
17:23never maybe some of the wives but you know it was a different time i'm sorry i didn't i didn't know
17:31that the janitor job was so important to you well it was it was my purpose my purpose used to be
17:39raising you to become a great vampire until you pushed out and found a new master in jordan jordan
17:49is not my master and he doesn't own me and i'm not there i just hi jordan yeah i can talk no i'm not
17:58busy uh that should be in your inbox i could actually bump it the boat master
18:14fireworks what you were angry at me for not telling you what we're out here looking for
18:20it's fireworks and i didn't tell you because again i wanted to be the hero that swoops down and
18:25saves the day laszlo i do not need you to always be the hero my darling you are the funniest most
18:36clever sweetest and most beautiful woman in the world not just staten island the world and i'm not
18:43even mentioning the 10 out of 10 pussy you deserve the best that is so sweet
18:53my gukla
18:57laszlo yeah i think i may have found your fireworks really where there in this shop just here across
19:05the street with the rose and rose of fireworks in the window and the sign that says fireworks fireworks
19:11well that's perfect how did i miss that my darling i don't know right you just let your husband take
19:18care of this stand back
19:24no wonder no one buys newspapers anymore toss it again okay
19:28yes uh-huh okay well i'll just cc lisa you got it bye i too was once cc'd you know i do know what it
19:48feels like to lose your purpose i used to want to be a vampire so bad it guided every choice i made
19:59i mean don't get me wrong i'm happy i'm a human again but it was hard it was hard waking up every
20:05day with that not being the goal to be a vampire well i am already a vampire so there's only sort of
20:12applies right well the point is i think i found a new purpose you will too somewhere but maybe right
20:22now our purposes are taking us in different directions and that's okay perhaps you are
20:33right guillermo i am a warrior but maybe this is not my fight you don't just talk to nandor man
20:43you know you listen you dig i'm a little man yes i know you are but he's a great man nandor we have
20:49news from the front line guess what your troops have executed your battle plan perfectly the enemy
20:56have been lured into a trap there are casualties we expect more you know we can all stand down
21:01because he's decided to come home what what he what what is the point yes i um i have the careful
21:08consideration i've come to the realization that perhaps i was looking for battles where none
21:13need exist you don't say so i think it's best for everyone if i just come home plus you know i miss
21:19my coffin i miss my favorite sword it's nothing like oh what the is that oh it is an attack no
21:26no it's no we are under attack yes it's unfinished yes yes yes yes it's a gun
21:46is
21:48Get a hold of yourself, man.
21:50The fighting seems to be situated by the Shipley Dollapan on Piedmont Street.
21:55It's no good, my darling. It's still two bloody crackers.
21:58Well, isn't it a good thing, Nando, that I have a plan B?
22:01Ah, Silverjack.
22:03Get out of that.
22:05Turn back.
22:06Get in there!
22:08Throw it on yourself, Nando.
22:10Nice work, my girl.
22:11Shotgun.
22:13Okay, guys, I forgive you.
22:20It was the heat of battle, and you panicked, and you made a mutiny.
22:24Shush!
22:25Untie me!
22:26It's the coppers.
22:27It is shit.
22:28Great.
22:29Floor it!
22:30No, I don't want to make a bad situation worse.
22:32What's your problem? Put your foot down, you prick.
22:34Okay, I'm just gonna pull over.
22:35Useless!
22:36I wasn't even speeding. Just everyone be cool, and I'll do all the talking.
22:38Gizmo, there's a fucking vampire hog-tied in the trunk.
22:42Hello?
22:43Oh, yeah.
22:44Hello, Mr. Officer.
22:46What seems to be the problem, apart from the fact that my large, wet bosom won't stop sloshing around?
22:53You, uh, got a left tail light out there, son.
22:56Yeah, I've been meaning to get that fixed. Sorry about that, Officer.
22:58It's all right, I'll take care of this.
23:00I say, Officer, you know, you remind me of a cross between a young Paul Newman and a man I'm about to fuck.
23:07Get out of the car.
23:09Yeah, absolutely.
23:10Colin Robinson, you didn't wake up. We gotta get out.
23:12What?
23:13What?
23:14What are you doing?
23:15We are regular human travelers.
23:17There is nothing out of the ordinary here, so you have nothing to be concerned about!
23:23What the?
23:24Whoa.
23:25What the fuck is that?
23:26Who are they?
23:27Uh...
23:28That's nothing out of the ordinary, regular human.
23:31What do you mean, they're coming straight for us?
23:33What is happening?
23:34Gizmo, you talk to them.
23:35What?
23:36What?
23:37No!
23:38Go handcuff yourself, boyfriend!
23:40Yes, ma'am!
23:41Wait, so...
23:42Nandor's army is...
23:43It's real?
23:44Wait, so he was a bit crazy?
23:45Whoa!
23:46Whoa!
23:47He is not!
23:48Shit!
23:49Unshamed me!
23:50Unshamed me!
23:51So, yes, sir!
23:52Just grab it with both hands and yank it.
23:53Watch the hair!
23:54There you go.
23:55Yes.
23:56That's it.
23:57Well, yeah, of course the mannequins were just for practice.
23:58Wait, all this time you thought my army was just a bunch of mannequins?
23:59The fuck?
24:00Hey, these!
24:01Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
24:02Hey, these!
24:03Yes, sir!
24:04Are they hypnotized?
24:05No, I'm just a really fucking good general.
24:06There you are.
24:07Sir.
24:08Major Briggs.
24:09You're leaving?
24:10Yes.
24:11I am leaving the field with both hands and yank it.
24:12Both hands and yank it.
24:13Watch the hair!
24:14There you go.
24:15Yes.
24:16That's it.
24:17Well, yeah, of course the mannequins were just for practice.
24:20Wait, all this time you thought my army was just a bunch of mannequins?
24:24The fuck?
24:25Hey, these!
24:26Yes, sir!
24:27Are they hypnotized?
24:28No.
24:29I'm just a really fucking good general.
24:31There you are.
24:32Sir.
24:33Major Briggs.
24:34You're leaving?
24:35Yes.
24:36I am leaving the field of operations.
24:38My fate is calling me in a different direction.
24:40What?
24:41South on the I-93, towards the Verrazano Bridge.
24:45We may even cut through Jersey if there is traffic!
24:48General, what do we do now?
24:50Good question, O'Hara.
24:51You will do what you must always do.
24:54You will go forth and follow your purpose.
24:57What is your purpose?
24:59Fact if I know.
25:01Be it continuing the fight, or, you know, finding new jobs.
25:08Where?
25:09Somewhere.
25:10Any more questions?
25:11Is there anything, like, more specific, like an actual thing we could do?
25:16Um, burn down a Walmart or some shit?
25:21No.
25:22No, don't do that.
25:23Ooh, ooh, I've got it.
25:24What is that nearby college that sends most of its graduates to Wall Street?
25:29Dartmouth?
25:30Yes!
25:31Dartmouth!
25:32Cry havoc and unleash the dogs of war on those nerds!
25:35Yeah!
25:36Yeah!
25:37You heard the man?
25:38Mountain!
25:39We ride for Hanover!
25:40Ride for Hanover!
25:42Yes!
25:43This is insane.
25:45Let's go nerds!
25:46Let's go nerds!
25:47Let's go nerds!
25:48Let's go nerds!
25:49Let's go nerds!
25:50Let's go nerds!
25:51Go!
25:52Go!
25:53Go!
25:59Wait for me!
26:00You're gonna need logistics support!
26:02Not you, Colleen Robinson!
26:04Hoorah!
26:05Shit.
26:06Go down, you idiot!
26:07Come on!
26:08Let me kill you!
26:09Ah!
26:10Ah!
26:11Shit.
26:12Still got it.
26:13Go get him and put him in the trunk!
26:15Don't sing if you wanna live long
26:21It has no use for your song
26:24You're dead, you're dead, you're dead
26:27You're dead and out of this world
26:30You'll never get a second chance
26:33And all your moves in advance
26:36Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead
26:39Stay dead and out of this world
26:42Shadows light, baby
26:44You're dead, you're dead
26:46You're dead, you're dead
26:48All right, baby
26:52You're dead, you're dead
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