Lilly Bell Talks Generational Trauma & Healing

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Lilly Bell Talks Generational Trauma & Healing  Lilly Bell, Lilly Bell Interview, Lilly Bell Podcast  #LillyBell

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00:00Yeah. Do, now that you work in the porn industry, does your mom ever like come to you for like sex

00:05advice or anything like that? Yes and no. Um, she doesn't, she's not, she's not, this is what's

00:11really weird about my mom. I tell my mom everything. Okay. She doesn't tell me everything.

00:16So like months sometimes will go by where she is hooked up with someone and then she's like,

00:20oh yeah, I had sex with somebody like eight months ago and I just never told you. And I'm like,

00:25what? Like I tell you the second, you know, she's like, oh, I just didn't think it was worth

00:29mentioning. And I just didn't want to say anything. And I'm like, what do you mean?

00:33Like, I, it's like, cause I'm just so open the moment something happens. I just want to tell

00:37somebody. But do you think it's because she's your mother and she feels like she shouldn't tell you?

00:41I mean, it sounds like you guys kind of have like, like a friendship. Yeah. You know what I mean?

00:45To be honest, like, I don't mean to get too intense right now, but I think there's some,

00:49uh, you know, trauma, sexual trauma that has caused my mom to not be as open with certain things.

00:55She, you know, hasn't healed from certain things that have happened to her. And I think

01:00I've noticed that be a cause as to why she is sometimes private about sex out of nowhere.

01:06Cause I, sometimes she's not and sometimes she is. And I wonder where that comes from. And I think

01:10it's cause there's some stuff that's happened that she needs to heal from. Yeah. Yeah. Isn't it

01:15interesting when we get older and we start to see our parents, not as these like all knowing beings,

01:20which they are when we're children, you know, but it's like real human beings and seeing like their

01:26flaws and seeing their limitations and considering the things that happened to them when they were

01:31younger, that shaped them into being like who they are today. Cause I mean, I had something,

01:36you know, pretty bad happen to me and I needed my mom and usually my mom is there for me. And this

01:41was a situation where it was too hard for her to be there for me. And I didn't understand why.

01:46And I was just like, why can't she be there for me with my assault? Like what's like, you know,

01:50and it's cause she hasn't dealt with the trauma of her assault. Yeah. And then that was a heavy

01:55thing to recognize that like, even though she's my mom and I need her for this, I also am an adult

02:01woman and understand that she can't. Yeah. Like she's doing the best she can with what she's got.

02:06Yeah. That's like, I think one of the emotionally, most emotionally mature things that we can

02:12recognize is, and also like kind of forgiving our parents for, you know, things that maybe

02:18we felt like they did to us when we were younger or didn't do for us when we were younger. And then,

02:25you know, coming to recognize that everybody's just doing the best with what they got and not

02:31everybody has great coping skills or we're taught, you know, how to manage things when they were

02:36younger. Yeah. I still hold a lot of resentment, which I don't like. And I think with age, that'll

02:42go away. Yeah. I hope. Yeah. Um, but I've been working on it and, you know, I think me also moving

02:49away, like my mom and I are very codependent on one another. And so when I moved, um, that really

02:54changed our relationship for the better, I think. Yeah. Yeah. Cause now, you know, we're both always

03:00still FaceTime like 24 seven and we're still like always involved in each other's lives. But, um,

03:05yeah, I don't know. My mom and I, we have a somewhat of a toxic relationship. I would say

03:10we're very tumultuous relationship. Um, but yeah, it has gotten better overall. Yeah. I think that

03:15will change as you get older. I know my relationship with my mom has changed. It's gone through a lot of

03:20changes as I've gotten older. Yeah. So, you know, for the better. Yes. No, I mean,

03:29well, now you have a baby too, which is an interesting factor to add in as well. Yeah. I mean,

03:35my, so I started off in the adult industry working for my mom. Um, and at first that was great. And

03:41then it got difficult, especially like when the model used to start a change of like the internet

03:49and everything like that. So when we started photos were, you know, pretty much all anybody could

03:53download, there was no video streaming and stuff like that. Cause bandwidth wasn't good enough. So

03:57we did like really well. Cause my mom was a photographer really. And then when it started to

04:01shift and I started to see that we needed to move towards video, I started to push the need to shoot

04:06video. She didn't want to shoot video. So that was the beginning of us starting to butt heads. Okay.

04:10Um, and so we just like, we fought a lot. Yeah. Um, and then when I finally like stopped working for

04:17her and started my own business, that changed our relationship for the better because like,

04:22if I'm too involved with her, it's, it's hard. She's a lot, like she's an intense person. Right.

04:28Um, and, uh, so, and now that I, and I moved back in with my parents two years ago, yeah. Like two

04:37years ago to help take care of my dad before he passed. Um, and I'm still there and I, now I don't

04:43see myself leaving cause like I can't leave my mom alone, but it is harder. I feel like a relationship

04:48is, is harder now that I live with her again because she's like, it's right. She's right there.

04:53She's right there. And she's very needy. And it's like a lot, you know, and I have a kid. Yeah. Um,

05:02which actually I think is kind of helpful. Does she help with the kid a lot? I mean,

05:06she does her best. She reads her bedtime stories every night. My mom is not the greatest babysitter.

05:11She loses focus. She has ADHD. She sometimes doesn't enforce, you know, like the boundaries

05:21that we're trying to establish with a willful toddler and you have to be consistent. Yeah.

05:25Yeah. Um, so you know, she's, uh, she's her limitations. That's funny. Cause I'm sure she's

05:31like, well, I raised you, so I'm sure I can do it. And look how I turned out. I actually like,

05:37sometimes I'm shocked at, you know, like I can't go to my mom for advice about my kid. Cause she like

05:43doesn't remember how she raised me. Wow. Like I swear, she's just like, it's a blur. Yeah. Yeah.

05:48She's just like, I don't know. Like we just did whatever we did. So like, it's weird. It's like,

05:53she's forgotten that part. So I can't really ask her about it, but I have to say it is difficult

05:59sometimes because, you know, like Violet is, um, you know, she's a toddler. So she's hitting that

06:06willful stage where she pushes back a lot and she's testing boundaries and stuff like that.

06:11So, um, she's been a challenge lately. And sometimes I get this weird projection where

06:19I'm like, I'll take something personally that she does, but she's two and a half, you know,

06:24like I shouldn't take anything personally, but it's hard. And I'll, and I'll think to myself,

06:27oh my God, she already like thinks I'm as annoying as I think my mom is. Yeah.

06:37And I'll just be like, and sometimes I'll hold her. Like I read her a story every night and I like

06:42hold her and rock her to bed and I'll hold her and I'll be like, I won't be able to hold her like

06:47this always. Like there'll be a time where she doesn't want me to like hug her anymore. And she'll

06:52kind of like push me away a little bit the way that I push my mom away sometimes, but that still

06:58doesn't change my behavior towards my mom. Yeah. Which sucks. Like I recognize it sometimes. I'm

07:04like, I should be kinder and not that I'm mean to her, but you know, like sometimes I just, I think

07:11it's just cause I need my space. I don't have any. So I think if I didn't live with her and I have more

07:17space and it would be easier for me to be like more affectionate with her, but because she's like

07:21always on top of each other. Yeah. Yeah. It's harder for me, but it's, but it's like,

07:26I'll recognize that, that disconnect between my mom and I, and I'll be concerned about that being

07:32the future with me and Violet, but it doesn't change my behavior towards my mom, even though

07:37it should. Right. Cause like now I kind of know what it might feel like. I don't know if that makes

07:41any sense. Yeah. It's kind of weird. Well, and it, and I, it makes sense. And it's also like when

07:46your, your child has a full, fresh, like clean slate, just like you did when you were a baby

07:52or like all of us did. So it's like when your child comes to you and needs, you know, something

07:57and then you're, you know, like, Oh, I can't do that right now. Or whatever. Like your child

08:01doesn't really understand that. Like you have like different emotional problems because that child

08:09is brand new to the world. So they don't have those problems that you have. So they're coming to you

08:14with full love and light and then they just get shut down. And then that's when those problems

08:18start to then get recreated in the child. Yeah. You know, like it's like that whole cycle

08:23pattern. I'm not saying this very eloquently, but like, it's, you know, yeah. Well, I mean,

08:27it's, and, and that's, that's where like all of this, you know, newfound therapy and like guidance

08:35and child raising comes in because it's all about like breaking that cycle and not making the mistakes

08:41that our parents made. I mean, honestly, like my parents were great parents. I had a good childhood.

08:45I don't feel, I mean, like there's certain things that, you know, my, my parents did my mother more

08:52specifically, I wouldn't say traumatized me, but definitely like shaped me in certain ways that are

08:57not great. Um, and I'm so cognizant of that and I don't want to do that to Violet to the point where

09:05like, I get paranoid about like everything that I do, you know, like, is this going to affect her

09:11in this way? Like, I'm so aware of it. Yeah. And like trying to follow the gentle parenting thing.

09:17I mean, I'm not even kidding. When I was getting ready for this podcast, I was listening. I bought

09:21the, the big little feelings workshop, like toddler workshop thing online. And I was like watching it

09:28as I was getting ready. Cause I, you know, I want to make sure that I raise her. Right. But of course

09:34I'm human. It's not, it can't be perfect. What can you do? I mean, you just do your best. That's all.

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