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QI XL Season 23 Episode 4
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FunTranscript
00:00Thank you very much.
00:30Good evening, and welcome to QI, where tonight we'll be struck by wave after wave of well waves.
00:39Making waves, it's Phil Wang.
00:45Surfing the waves, it's Sarah Pascoe.
00:50Dueling waves, it's Tom Allen.
00:54And already waving a white flag, it's Allen Davis.
01:00Let's wave hello to our guests.
01:06Phil goes.
01:10Ooh, Sarah goes.
01:13Tom goes.
01:19And Allen goes.
01:21Bye-bye, baby, baby, goodbye, baby, baby, bye-bye.
01:30Right, let's dive right in with question one.
01:32What is 4.8 inches long, begins with W, and is guaranteed to invigorate a frigid hamster?
01:40Phil Wang.
01:43Phil Wang.
01:52I don't know, we're off and running.
01:54The experiments have proved very successful.
01:56Yeah.
01:57What were you going to say, Phil?
01:58A warm hamster, perhaps?
02:01Oh.
02:02But heated up, well.
02:03Yeah, mine just gently microwaved.
02:07Can I just say, that out of nowhere, that is exactly the right answer.
02:12Oh!
02:13Oh, no.
02:13APPLAUSE
02:15I thought we were all going to rip into you, because 4.8 inches is too big for a hamster.
02:25Is this a monster hamster?
02:26OK, so I didn't necessarily say that the hamster was 4.8 inches, did I?
02:30I said, what is 4.8 inches long, begins with a W, and is guaranteed to invigorate a frigid hamster.
02:36Wheel.
02:37No, it was the microwave.
02:38You got the right answer, and now I'm having to tell you what it was.
02:42But microwave doesn't start with W.
02:45Well, it is the waves that start with W.
02:48Oh, it's going to be a long night, isn't it?
02:52It's like theme, it's waves.
02:54Have you ever been in a restaurant where they tell you it's all freshly done,
02:57and you turn to each other, and you go like this, right?
02:59You just go like that, and you go, that means it's been microwaved.
03:02So we do that in the restaurant, you go like that.
03:03I think you're a bit posh in some of us.
03:05Tiny waves.
03:06Tiny little microwave.
03:08It's not that subtle, I'd say.
03:10No.
03:10Since you're doing it in front of your face.
03:12Also, that means something else in Essex.
03:15So be careful.
03:174.8 inches.
03:18LAUGHTER
03:19APPLAUSE
03:21This is about microwaves, the very first domestic-sized microwave oven
03:30was invented to bring half-dead hamsters back to life.
03:35Oh, wow.
03:35I know.
03:36So, quick primer on how microwaves work.
03:38Anybody know how they work?
03:40Don't they heat things up from the inside out?
03:41So, they have electromagnetic waves, and by definition,
03:45the wavelength can be anywhere from a millimetre to a metre,
03:48but they fire a wavelength of 4.8 inches,
03:52which is the thing that I asked about.
03:54And that is just the right size for the energy to be absorbed
03:57by the food, or in this case, by the hamster.
03:59So the energy in them is transferred to the food.
04:02Don't try this at home.
04:04Yeah, I was about to say.
04:05Yeah, no, no, it's a very bad idea.
04:07Because that wouldn't work.
04:08It'd hurt them, they'd be dead.
04:10Yeah, I think that would hurt them.
04:12Is it the frequency of microwaves that make the water molecules shake,
04:15and that's what heat is?
04:16Yes, you're absolutely right, darling.
04:17It was really in-depth there, Phil.
04:18I thought I was just coming here to mess around.
04:22Yeah.
04:23You knew about the frequency of water molecules.
04:25I can't believe you've revised for the test.
04:29And why do they give us books on this?
04:30Yeah, why were you scribbling like Good Will Hunting,
04:33like you'd solved an equation?
04:34I'm just drawing waves for inspiration, that's just what I'm doing.
04:37Well, you were the first person to not draw a penis, so well done.
04:41Oh, it's a penis.
04:45A wavy one.
04:46Maybe just with very long pubes.
04:49So, 1950s, there was a British scientist called James Lovelock,
04:53and he was working on a project to freeze and then reanimate cell tissue, OK?
04:59Now, you can see that that could serve all sorts of useful medical purposes.
05:03So, preserved tissues for transplant would be a good example.
05:06So, I don't think you'd be allowed to do this now.
05:08He gave hamsters an hour-long ice bath of minus five degrees Celsius.
05:15Yeah, it was not good.
05:16The hearts stopped beating, they stopped breathing,
05:18and what you said, a lot of the water in their body froze to ice.
05:22So, they've got these frozen hamsters, and I like this.
05:25They experimented with various ways of reviving them.
05:28They tried thawing them out with intense beams of light,
05:30and this is all I've got on this, hot spatulas.
05:36I think it explains itself, really.
05:38Really?
05:39Yeah, weirdly, it didn't work.
05:41Hot spatulas sounds like a seedy late-night show, doesn't it?
05:44Yeah.
05:44Like, cooking-based.
05:45Yeah, welcome to hot spatulas.
05:50Anyway, it won't surprise you to learn that some of these poor hamsters
05:53then got severe burns.
05:55Then, Lovelock decided that he would try firing microwaves at them.
05:59Now...
05:59I mean, what on earth is going through his mind at that point?
06:02Yeah, I don't know.
06:02I don't know.
06:03He's frozen them.
06:04He's tried to heat them up with hot spatulas.
06:07Yeah.
06:08And now he's going, do you know what?
06:10Let's just ding them in the microwave.
06:11It does mean that he had only stuff from the kitchen.
06:15So, he was like, freezer, cutlery drawer, hot spatulas.
06:19Microwave.
06:20Yeah.
06:20Oh, thank goodness he didn't have an air fryer.
06:22That was next.
06:26You have to understand, there were no domestic microwaves at this time.
06:29The only microwaves were owned by the government who had used them
06:32for various purposes, like radar and stuff.
06:34Anyway, he fired microwaves at the hamster, which was frozen,
06:38and after a few seconds, it got up and started wandering around.
06:43So, it's a form of hamster cryonics.
06:47What is the difference between cryonics and cryogenics?
06:50Phil?
06:50Phil, yeah.
06:54Cryogenics is when it's people.
06:56Cryonics is when it's hamsters.
06:58I like that.
07:00People often say cryogenics when what they actually do.
07:02I mean, is cryonics.
07:02So, cryonics is to freeze somebody, like you could freeze a human being
07:05and revive them.
07:06Cryogenics is the wider field of the study of extreme cold.
07:09Anyway, he never used it for cooking, Lovelock.
07:11He just stuck to the hamster thing.
07:12You'd think he'd be quite, he'd be exhausted at the end of the day.
07:15It would have been really handy for him to have a microwave meal.
07:17This is for James Lovelock.
07:18He was an environmental scientist.
07:20He wrote The Revenge of the Guy.
07:21He was the person who used science to prove that, you know,
07:24the climate catastrophe was coming if the earth heated up.
07:27Yes, he wrote The Guy Hypothesis.
07:29But how did he get from that, from freezing hamsters?
07:31I mean, we've all got to start somewhere.
07:34So, you know what would heat up all the hamsters in the world?
07:37Climate change.
07:38The person who thought of actually building a similar thing
07:44specifically to cook food was an American physicist called Percy Spencer
07:49during World War II.
07:50But the one he made weighed over 340 kilograms and was six foot tall.
07:55So, possibly not the one for your kitchen, I would say.
07:59Also, it was designed so, like, organ transplants and things could be...
08:02Imagine waiting there on the trolley, about to have it done,
08:05and then you hear, ping, and then you go, it's ready.
08:11What would be worse is if they said,
08:13do you mind if we try some hot spatulas?
08:16If we can mince, these hot spatulas must be good for something.
08:19It must be.
08:20It must be a few people who've had heart transplants
08:22and it's still a little bit cold in the middle.
08:26Take it out and stir it halfway through.
08:30Now, on to crime waves.
08:31Imagine you are a full-time wig thief.
08:36What would be your technique?
08:38Oh, I've failed so many times.
08:43It's harder than it looks.
08:44What worries me about this question is the full-time aspect of it.
08:47Yes.
08:48So, you'd have to make a lot of money.
08:50What's a time in history when you might have made a lot of money from...
08:53Georgian times?
08:54Yes.
08:55So, where are we?
08:55We're in the...
08:56In your face, Phil.
08:57Why am I the enemy?
09:01Because we're doing history now and we're all playing for ourselves.
09:04It's humanities.
09:06No.
09:07Oh, no, the...
09:07Bring it back to maths.
09:08Bring it back to maths.
09:10So, 18th century, there's a wave of wig thefts, right?
09:15Because they're worth stealing, right?
09:17Everyday powdered wigs, nothing special,
09:20costs the equivalent of 100 quid today,
09:21but there were some that were so elaborate
09:23that they would be £5,000 in today's money.
09:26And that's where we get the expression big wig from.
09:28He's a bit of a big wig.
09:29So, what would your technique be, do you think?
09:32First, I would get a monkey for some reason.
09:36Yes, that is one way of doing it.
09:38They often train small children and animals to steal them.
09:41So, you might get, for example,
09:43a child in a basket carried on somebody's shoulder,
09:47be just the right height to whip the wig off,
09:49and then the wig-snatching team would run in opposite directions.
09:52Wig-snatching team.
09:53I know.
09:54I would be more subtle.
09:55So, first thing,
09:56I might not want the person whose wig I'm stealing to know,
09:58so I'd want to swap it for something of the same weight
10:00really, really quickly.
10:02Like Indiana Jones, just the...
10:04Yeah, yeah.
10:05Sack on the head, yeah.
10:06Or I would pretend I was a wig inspector
10:08and say, you've contravened some rules for wigs.
10:14Or say, I've got, I think you've got fleas,
10:16can I get rid of them for you?
10:18And then I've got it, haven't I?
10:20Or what about if you put Velcro
10:22on the inside of a tunnel or a bridge and...
10:25LAUGHTER
10:26As people walked through, they'd be like,
10:29lovely, going through here, going through here.
10:31Suddenly, in the light, it's gone.
10:33Where is it?
10:34It's stuck in the tunnel,
10:35but by that point it's too...
10:36Yeah, you've closed the tunnel.
10:37You've closed the tunnel.
10:38Yeah.
10:38You've only got to wait 200 years
10:40for somebody to invent Velcro in your office.
10:43I like the people who go through the tunnel,
10:44going through here, going through here.
10:46Yes, that's what I do in tunnels.
10:48I would run up and say, your wig's on fire,
10:50it's on fire, it's on fire!
10:51Give it!
10:52And then I'd grab it.
10:53Yeah.
10:53LAUGHTER
10:54Imagine being, imagine how undignified it would be like,
10:57don't you dare, you give me my wig back,
10:59I know what you're doing, you're trying to steal my wig.
11:01LAUGHTER
11:02Come back here.
11:03Going through here, going through here.
11:05Stop that man, he's got my wig.
11:07So jostling somebody was one way of doing it.
11:09You get two boys and a dog, for example,
11:11one boy jostles a bewigged man,
11:12the other grabs the hairpiece, tosses it to the dog
11:14and they all go off in different directions.
11:15So you might see a dog running past with a wig on?
11:18LAUGHTER
11:19Why do you think wigs were so popular?
11:22People had terrible heads.
11:24LAUGHTER
11:25Because there was no conditioner back then,
11:27so everyone's hair looked terrible.
11:29He had liceous, Gabby.
11:31A lot of it's to do with syphilis.
11:32Syphilis was rampant.
11:34Oh, yeah.
11:35It caused men to lose their hair.
11:37What?
11:38LAUGHTER
11:39I don't know what you mean.
11:45LAUGHTER
11:46Wig crime, why did it stop?
11:49Wigs went out of fashion.
11:51Correct.
11:51Two points.
11:52LAUGHTER
11:53So there was a supposed wave of detergent theft.
11:57In the United States in 2015,
11:58there was supposed to be a great wave
11:59and people were stealing and they had to lock it to the shelves.
12:02It was because of drugs.
12:03Well, so there was one police officer
12:05who said he had seen people buy drugs
12:07in exchange for sort of six bottles of detergent.
12:10That's the Daz Doorstep Challenge, isn't it?
12:12LAUGHTER
12:13Would you consider swapping your usual heroin
12:18for six bottles of QI wash?
12:24I imagine that's always been popular.
12:25I mean, it's something everybody needs.
12:27It's untraceable.
12:28It's easy to steal.
12:29You can get rid of all the evidence.
12:31Yes.
12:31I was in the supermarket the other week
12:34and the bottles of olive oil were in Perspex cases,
12:39lockboxes, on the shelf, because they were £10 each.
12:44That's the state we're at.
12:46I always thought, like, the price of...
12:47When people talk about the price of oil going up,
12:49I didn't know they meant extra virgin.
12:52Oiling yourself up for a hot spatula
12:54is more expensive than anything.
12:56Well, you'd want to be oiled up if you had a hot spatula.
12:58You would.
12:59In 18th-century London, it was easier for crime to pay.
13:11Oh...
13:11I like that.
13:14It kind of slid off the edge of the...
13:16It's just that noise.
13:17Now, what wouldn't you want to find in a hairdresser's pocket?
13:21Err, my husband's phone number?
13:23LAUGHTER
13:25I'm not saying they're all hussies.
13:27No.
13:28Some of them are.
13:29Statistically.
13:30LAUGHTER
13:31More hair that they stick back on when you're not looking?
13:35Because then you've got to come back.
13:36That's how you get...
13:37Weirdly, what happens is you go off on a tangent
13:39and get quite close to the real answer.
13:41Oh, really?
13:42OK.
13:43The whole show is about waves.
13:45What were waves, early waves in the hair?
13:47Perms.
13:48Perms, absolutely right.
13:49Early perms, short for permanent wave.
13:51And they were sometimes called pocket perms by hair stylists
13:54because it was such rough chemicals that what would happen
13:58is that large chunks of hair would break off and the stylist,
14:02instead of telling you that, would grab it and not want you to know
14:06and stick it in their pocket, so you wouldn't...
14:08Yeah, and you were sticking up from earlier.
14:10LAUGHTER
14:12Have you ever had a perm? Have you had a perm?
14:14I wanted a perm, Mum wouldn't let me.
14:16Why?
14:17Because she's a bitch.
14:19LAUGHTER
14:29You'd be a very good therapist, Sandy, haven't you?
14:32Just right to the heart of people who run questions.
14:41My mum's...
14:42I'm under such strict instructions to never mention her
14:45in any of my comedy, right?
14:47And I'm trying so hard and I can't believe that slipped out.
14:50LAUGHTER
14:51I can't believe that slipped out.
14:52Does she watch QI?
14:53She does watch QI and she's a really lovely woman.
14:55What's her name?
14:56Gail.
14:57Gail.
14:58Can I just say, we'd like to dedicate this whole show to you.
15:02And we're sending Sarah home with a perm.
15:04LAUGHTER
15:06So the very first perm machine was invented by a hairdresser called
15:10Charles Nessler in 1909 in Paris.
15:14LAUGHTER
15:16That's a milking machine.
15:18LAUGHTER
15:20The thing is, he didn't really bother about health and safety.
15:23His wife was his very first volunteer and he burnt all her hair off.
15:27I don't know.
15:28Yep.
15:29Scalded and blistered her scalp several times.
15:31He blistered her scalp?
15:32It's over.
15:33And...
15:34LAUGHTER
15:35Sorry.
15:36Sorry.
15:37He basically applied an alkali substance to his client's hair.
15:42So he started with cow's urine.
15:43Mmm.
15:44Later moved to borax.
15:45That is the chemical we use today in laundry detergent and for rat poison.
15:50And then he wrapped hair around heavy rollers which were 100 degrees centigrade.
15:55But each one of those rollers weighed a kilo.
15:57And so he had to have that contraption, the counterweights, to try and take the strain off the head.
16:01And they had to sit like that for six hours.
16:03LAUGHTER
16:04It's impressive she won Miss America without on her head.
16:06Now, can you recommend a reliable way of having a brainwave?
16:21I always find, just as I'm about to go to sleep, the most relaxed I could be while still conscious,
16:25that's when I'll think of something.
16:27Business people say that they call it the shower principle instead of being in water.
16:31OK.
16:32That's big.
16:33So between you, you've had an idea, which is quite exciting.
16:35Oh!
16:36Yes.
16:37So water and being on the edge, the precipice of something.
16:40Sitting on the edge of a bar.
16:42LAUGHTER
16:43That's how they came up with the idea for the towel.
16:48LAUGHTER
16:50There's a professional inventor in Tokyo called Dr Yoshiro Nakamatsu,
16:55and he comes up with his best ideas underwater, OK?
16:58But his method is to bring himself to the brink of drowning, right?
17:03He believes that the lack of oxygen is what engenders his creativity.
17:07He says, half a second before death, I visualise an invention.
17:10And he dives down with a waterproof notebook and pencil, his own invention,
17:15and he sketches out his ideas.
17:16He's applied for three and a half thousand patents in his time.
17:19These are his boots that he invented.
17:21What do you think they do?
17:22Are they for stealing wigs?
17:24LAUGHTER
17:25I 100% could do that, because they're just for bouncing.
17:29So that was his idea, he nearly died.
17:31For that.
17:32Yeah.
17:33So does someone else wake him up?
17:34Like, who's in charge of the, OK, he's about to die, get him out?
17:38I think he just comes out of the water at that point.
17:40So he's in control of all of this?
17:41This is the theory, until he dies.
17:43I mean, unless he drowns himself.
17:44And that might be his very best idea.
17:45And we never would know.
17:46He stays for an extra half a second.
17:48Oh, yeah.
17:49It's kind of like auto-erotic asphyxiation, but for ideas.
17:53LAUGHTER
17:54At least that's what he says.
17:55He bursts out of the water and says,
17:57Bouncing shoes! Bouncing shoes!
17:59LAUGHTER
18:01Is that it? Is that what you've come up with?
18:03And then he runs into Dragon's Den, sopping wet.
18:05LAUGHTER
18:07He has actually invented a wig, funnily enough.
18:09It's a wig that doubles as a weapon.
18:11So, yeah.
18:13So, it's like...
18:14Great ideas.
18:15Great ideas.
18:16Great.
18:17It's definitely worth it.
18:18It's lined with metal, so that you can throw it at an attacker.
18:22Isn't that odd job in James Bond?
18:24LAUGHTER
18:25It's attached with a rubber string, so you can pull it back.
18:28You can throw it.
18:29You don't want it coming back at you, do you?
18:31Yeah, exactly.
18:32His soy sauce spray bottle, I think, is very clever.
18:36You can evenly spritz your sushi.
18:38That's quite cool.
18:39Oh, that's a good idea.
18:40But it's not worth nearly dying, is it?
18:42No!
18:43There are ways of getting soy sauce on things.
18:45Those little fishes...
18:46Yeah.
18:47They are good.
18:48Yeah, but you get the rice...
18:49The rice gets soaked and it falls apart.
18:51I don't mind if he drowns up by accident,
18:53because that's a really good invention.
18:55LAUGHTER
18:56OK, he also invented an electromagnetic condom.
18:59Again, fantastic.
19:01Fantastic.
19:02Does it cure syphilis?
19:04Asking for a friend.
19:05LAUGHTER
19:14Is that just so you can find true north?
19:16Is that...?
19:17I...
19:18Apparently, what do I know?
19:20The motion of copulation induces a small current in the bloodstream
19:23and that increases pressure.
19:25Would you have to plug it in?
19:26LAUGHTER
19:33Darling, you don't want to be plugged into the mains.
19:35Well, that's how.
19:36Well, that's what I'm thinking.
19:37You're getting out an extension lead.
19:39Yeah.
19:40What I love is that the elves know.
19:41They're sending me a message saying it's wireless.
19:43Thanks, guys.
19:44LAUGHTER
19:46APPLAUSE
19:51Anyway, he calls himself Dr Nakamats
19:53and he claims to have invented the floppy disk.
19:56Anybody who had early computers will remember the floppy disk.
19:58IBMs don't agree, they don't say it was him,
20:01but he claims he is the true inventor to the extent
20:04that the gate to his house in Tokyo is in the shape of a floppy disk.
20:09And he says his invention was the start of the information revolution
20:12and the Silicon Valley, so...
20:14Since he was 42, he has taken a photograph of every single meal
20:19that he has eaten.
20:20Oh, Brad, he said meal.
20:22I don't know what he was going to do.
20:23LAUGHTER
20:26I mean, have you been on Instagram?
20:28That's what everyone's doing.
20:29Yeah.
20:30Did he invent that as well?
20:32LAUGHTER
20:33He's been doing that since he was 42, he was in his mid-90s.
20:36Oh, wow.
20:37But he analyses his food and lifestyle
20:39and says he will reach the age of 144.
20:41Oh.
20:42There is an extraordinary culture in Japan, though,
20:44of sort of curious ideas.
20:45They have a word for it called chingdogu,
20:47and it means weird tool.
20:49The selfie stick is one that came out of Japan in 1995,
20:53but 20 years later was, you know, they're ubiquitous.
20:55There is a hay fever hat.
20:57LAUGHTER
20:59So, you've each got a prop next to you.
21:03See if you can guess what they are for.
21:05These are weird tool inventions.
21:07That hay fever hat is by Kenji Kawakami.
21:10I mean, mine are.
21:12Right.
21:13So, Phil.
21:14I presume...
21:15LAUGHTER
21:17That is a daddy-nurser.
21:19It's called the daddy-nurser.
21:20It's great, but actually there's all kinds of people
21:22who might want to breastfeed their children
21:23who can't for whatever reason.
21:25People who adopt or people whose milk just doesn't come in
21:27or they don't have a big enough supply.
21:29So, I know it's really silly,
21:30but it's also quite a beautiful invention.
21:32Hmm.
21:33Right, what have you got, Alan?
21:34I mean, they're plastic glasses
21:35and they've got little funnels on them.
21:37Mm-hm.
21:38These poor...
21:40..erm...
21:41..eydrops in?
21:42He's exactly right, darling.
21:43They are eye-drop funnel glasses so that you don't spill.
21:47That's amazing!
21:48That is a good invention!
21:50That is an invention.
21:51You know, together, Alan,
21:53we could get some pretty precise milk in those eyes.
21:55LAUGHTER
21:57LAUGHTER
21:59Very clean eyeballs.
22:02What have we got, Sarah?
22:03Well, I've got a toilet plunger,
22:05but it's got a ribbon on so you know it's a girl.
22:07LAUGHTER
22:08What do you think you might do with it, though?
22:10It's not a toilet plunger, I can tell you that.
22:12Is this to get my milk to come in?
22:14LAUGHTER
22:15It is a portable subway strap,
22:17so what you do is you're on the subway...
22:20LAUGHTER
22:22..and you stick it to the roof.
22:24No!
22:25Stick it to the roof.
22:26I worry it's not going to be...
22:27Oh, hello!
22:28LAUGHTER
22:29So, if you put it above your head...
22:30Yeah, but there's nothing there, so...
22:31..it would be light.
22:32LAUGHTER
22:33I see what you mean.
22:34So, just...
22:35Yeah.
22:36You have to get off.
22:37That must be difficult.
22:38To be like...
22:39Yes.
22:40Right, what have you got, darling?
22:43Now, there should be some toasters, isn't there?
22:45Oh, yes, there is.
22:46Oh, I didn't know if that was Sarah.
22:47I thought you'd ordered a snack!
22:48LAUGHTER
22:49Open the stick.
22:50Oh!
22:51Oh!
22:52Yes, and have a look.
22:53Oh, I bet I know what this is going to be.
22:55Is it butter?
22:56It's a butter stick for buttering your toaster.
22:58Oh, look, it works.
22:59Oh, that's good.
23:00Oh, look, it's lovely.
23:02And would you take this with you to events?
23:05LAUGHTER
23:07You're not all QVC, you know.
23:09LAUGHTER
23:10It's so...
23:11Lovely.
23:12It's so elegant.
23:13LAUGHTER
23:14I think if I saw somebody with that, I would think,
23:17gosh, I wish I was them.
23:19LAUGHTER
23:21And then you can do a little bit on your wrists and your neck
23:24and then use some other products all day long.
23:26Oh, yes, that's true.
23:27Maybe put it on your spatula.
23:28Lipstick.
23:29LAUGHTER
23:30Or if you were swimming the channel,
23:31you could put it on your chest.
23:32LAUGHTER
23:33Yeah.
23:34It's a really good idea.
23:35I think we're all trying to use less single-use plastic,
23:37though, aren't we?
23:38You could make it of wood or another fabric,
23:41which was a material which was more...
23:43Denim.
23:44Denim, there's a lot of denim.
23:45LAUGHTER
23:46A lot of jeans get ripped,
23:47so what are you going to do with them?
23:48I'm convinced, yeah.
23:49Yeah, I think there's market in that.
23:50I can't understand why the two of you have not made a fortune so far.
23:53LAUGHTER
23:54There's a lot of things, though, you do think,
23:56did they need to be invented at all?
23:57Mm.
23:58Like self-lathering soap.
24:00Yeah.
24:01You know when you get hand soap and it's like a foam?
24:03Oh.
24:04I thought, who went,
24:05oh, do you know what I find too exhausting?
24:07Lathering.
24:09LAUGHTER
24:10My day would be so much easier if I didn't have to...
24:12Lather.
24:13Lather a bar of soap for sometimes seconds at a time.
24:17LAUGHTER
24:18Now I've got this self-lathering soap,
24:20I can finally get on with those things I really need to do.
24:22LAUGHTER
24:23I've got other things as well.
24:24What am I... What's that?
24:25Those are just tissues in case you get butter on you.
24:27Now...
24:28LAUGHTER
24:29Now, what's the loudest thing you can't hear?
24:35Oh, is it all the dialogue in the Christopher Nolan movie?
24:38Because...
24:47I mean, I've watched those things in IMAX with speakers as big as buildings
24:50and it's just loud mumbling.
24:52I can't pick out a single word.
24:54It's really interesting because it is a common thing now in a lot of films.
24:57Do you know why that is?
24:58Do the actors not know their lines?
25:00Well, it's a different way of recording is one of the issues.
25:02So in the old films people had to speak up in order to make sure their voice went to the central microphone.
25:07Now everybody's wearing a personal microphone and so mumbling has come in.
25:11So what we need to do is go back to the old system where people just have one mic.
25:15But it is a common problem.
25:17I think it's about 40% of people in Britain watch television with the subtitles on.
25:22Yes.
25:23Do you think people are going to go back to sort of brief encounter days?
25:25I hope so.
25:26Oh, I love that film.
25:27It's my favourite.
25:28Well, what happened there?
25:29They were just screaming.
25:30It's beautiful.
25:31David Lean film written by Noel Coward and about a woman who sort of almost has an affair
25:38with someone she meets at a train station.
25:40It's sweet.
25:41It's very much up my alley.
25:42Yeah.
25:43There's no mumbling.
25:44No mumbling.
25:45No mumbling at all.
25:46There's a child in it having an argument with her brother and even the child speaks very clipped.
25:51They always use adults afterwards, don't they?
25:53Oh, that makes sense.
25:54That's why they all have some creepy little voices.
25:56Oh, because the little girl, they're having an argument about, it's not her birthday,
26:01but she wants to go to the theatre and Celia Johnson walks in and goes,
26:04what on earth are you arguing about?
26:05And this little girl gets up out of bed and goes, my birthday's in June.
26:08Yes, it's really fair.
26:09There are silly panty mimes in June.
26:11And of course isn't that very clipped 1930s, 1940s way?
26:15My birthday's in June.
26:17LAUGHTER
26:18Terrifying.
26:19It's a very famous bit for being an adult coming out of a little child.
26:22Oh, that exact line, yes.
26:23Yes, yes.
26:24So, what is the loudest thing that she's...
26:25Sorry.
26:26I was having a nice reminisce about some of my favourite movies.
26:27Is it going to be some naturally occurring phenomenon?
26:28Is this to do with a tree fallen in the woods?
26:29Is that a bear?
26:30No.
26:31No, no, it's the Pope.
26:32It's the Pope.
26:33My birthday's in June.
26:34Oh!
26:35So, let's just define loudness, OK?
26:36So, loudness is another word for amplitude.
26:37Sound waves, right?
26:38They travel like this.
26:39And the loudest bit is going to be this.
26:40And then it gets quieter and quieter and quieter like this.
26:41And the distance between them is the frequency or the pitch, OK?
26:43So...
26:44Well, we can...
26:45It's not a bear.
26:46It's not a bear.
26:47No, no, it's the Pope.
26:48It's the Pope.
26:49It's the Pope.
26:50It's the Pope.
26:51My birthday's in June.
26:52Oh!
26:53So, let's just define loudness, OK?
26:55So, loudness is another word for amplitude.
26:58Sound waves, right?
26:59They travel like this.
27:00And the loudest bit is going to be this.
27:03And then it gets quieter and quieter and quieter like this.
27:06And the distance between them is the frequency or the pitch, OK?
27:09Will we get a GCSE after this?
27:11You will.
27:12The reason I tell you all this is that some noises are too high
27:16or too low for humans to be able to hear them, however loud they are.
27:22Yeah.
27:23So, the loudest sound ever recorded, hardly anybody heard it.
27:27The dogs hear it.
27:28Elephants can hear things, infrasonic sound, that we can't hear.
27:32So, the loudest sound ever recorded was 1883.
27:34A volcano erupted in Krakatoa in Indonesia.
27:38And 100 miles away, the noise was 172 decibels.
27:43So, sound becomes painful at 130 decibels.
27:46If you were standing right next to a jumbo jet engine,
27:49that would be 150 decibels.
27:52So, 170 decibels, it's 100 times louder than that, OK?
27:55I've sat on a plane near a jumbo jet engine.
27:57I didn't mind it.
27:58No, if you were right by it, Danny, on the ground...
28:00I'm quite close to it.
28:01I mean, it's just the wing.
28:02I'm looking forward, my ears facing out the window.
28:05Yes.
28:06There's a whole window and a fuselage between you.
28:08I'm talking about standing right by it.
28:10Oh, OK.
28:11So, 170 decibels...
28:12It's quite close.
28:13It looks like there.
28:14It's like you had a brief encounter in your headphones.
28:19Yeah.
28:20In 1883, with a wig on, standing right next to Krakatoa going,
28:23not that loud.
28:24LAUGHTER
28:26On a ship that was 40 miles away,
28:29half of the crew's eardrums burst.
28:32Oh.
28:33Half the eardrum, or was it half...?
28:35No.
28:36LAUGHTER
28:37How did they measure it, then?
28:39All of them lost their left ear off.
28:41LAUGHTER
28:42There are things called barographs, and what they do
28:45is they measure fluctuations in atmospheric pressure,
28:48and this was measured all around the world.
28:51It was the loudest noise ever measured,
28:53and yet it was inaudible to most people.
28:56It was just a form of pressure on the eardrums.
28:58And did they not not hear it just because there is had exploded?
29:02LAUGHTER
29:03The sound was so powerful, it travelled around the world
29:06seven times over the course of five days.
29:08I mean, it is unbelievable.
29:09But was it inaudible because it was too high?
29:11Or too low?
29:12It was too low.
29:13I'd love that idea of it being too high, like a volcano.
29:15Beep!
29:16Beep!
29:17Like a microwave.
29:19Like a microwave.
29:20Yeah.
29:21Ready!
29:23Beep!
29:24But I want to try something with sound waves.
29:27Um, now, Phil, you...
29:29LAUGHTER
29:31Let's just do a little crack of toe there for you.
29:34Thank you, darling, I really appreciate it.
29:36Just for colour, just for background.
29:37Yeah.
29:38Could you do the fact that elephants can hear through their feet?
29:40I love your animal impersonations.
29:41Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
29:42Yeah.
29:43What's that?
29:44LAUGHTER
29:47Can you hear that?
29:48Can you hear that?
29:49OK, I can hear that.
29:50I can't, I've got my shoes on.
29:52LAUGHTER
29:57But they can hear at much lower frequencies than human beings can.
29:59They would have been able to actually hear the explosion much further away than human beings.
30:03But I want to try a little experiment.
30:04Phil, you like a bit of science, don't you?
30:05Oh, yeah, I love it.
30:06OK, so...
30:07Do we...
30:08Come on.
30:09LAUGHTER
30:10We're going to look at a cladney plate.
30:13The cladney plate was named for its...
30:15He doesn't look well at all, does he?
30:17LAUGHTER
30:18His arm's completely detached from his body.
30:20LAUGHTER
30:21I was dead but they microwaved me.
30:22LAUGHTER
30:23APPLAUSE
30:24Anyway, that's Ernst Gladney, and he invented this thing where you attach a plate to a machine
30:39and it makes it vibrate, and the number of times it vibrates per second, that is its frequency.
30:44The amazing thing is to see, if you put salt on this plate, the patterns that it can make at different frequencies.
30:51So if we have a quick look at one that is actually working...
30:54Ooh!
30:55Can you see how it...
30:56Depending on what the frequency is, you can...
30:58Ooh!
30:59I love crafts.
31:00LAUGHTER
31:01That's the population of North Korea from outer space.
31:04LAUGHTER
31:05I love it.
31:06On a parade day.
31:08We've got a homemade version, so I'm going to get Phil to help me.
31:12Oh!
31:13Nice.
31:14You can make your own cladney plate.
31:16Can I play with your tits while you're doing that?
31:18LAUGHTER
31:21You know, what's really sad is I nearly stayed behind.
31:25LAUGHTER
31:27APPLAUSE
31:31OK.
31:32So here's what we're going to do, is we're going to put some salt on here
31:37and sprinkle it everywhere.
31:39OK.
31:40So we're going to make it vibrate.
31:41We're going to keep an eye on what happens to the salt.
31:43So if you take the flat of the bow, there, and then just run it down and then...
31:49Oh!
31:50Oh!
31:51That's beautiful.
31:52Volcano!
31:56Now, why do you think that this plate that we've made is shaped like a violin?
31:59What do you think might be the reason for it?
32:01Ah, presumably they use these principles in the design of violin.
32:04Yeah.
32:05They've got the perfect sound, right?
32:06So during the construction of the plates, they use metal filings and they vibrate the wood
32:10to create the patterns.
32:11You want the patterns to be symmetrical, so it has a practical purpose.
32:15Ah, yeah, right.
32:16Well done, Phil.
32:17Fantastic.
32:18APPLAUSE
32:25It was Vivaldi's Four Seasons I was playing.
32:27It was lovely.
32:28Now, which of these is the wobbliest wall?
32:34Oh, is it the straight one?
32:37It's correct, darling.
32:38Yes, why?
32:39Because it's always the unexpected one, isn't it?
32:42APPLAUSE
32:44A straight wall, you're obviously right, it's got multiple layers and cross beams in order to keep it safe, usually.
32:49Oh.
32:50If it's just straight, at some point, it's probably going to topple over.
32:53If you build a bendy wall, what is the bit in it that's keeping it strong?
32:58Oh, the centripetal force.
33:04I think that's only a thing if you're actually a centipede.
33:09I just remember learning centripetal forces at school and I thought, gosh, I'll use that one day.
33:15Hello, the day cake.
33:18Well, is it the shape itself, the shape of the wall itself keeps it up?
33:21There's an enormous strength in the arch, so all arches give you extra strength.
33:26And I love these walls, they're called crinkle-crankle walls.
33:29So they are much harder to build, but because of that, they became a fantastic status symbol for large English country homes.
33:35There's one in Eastern Village in Hampshire, there's one in Limington in Hampshire.
33:38The one in Eastern Village was once two and a half miles long.
33:43It was the longest in the UK.
33:45But most of it demolished in 1924, which is really sad.
33:47But which English county do you think has the most walls per square mile?
33:53Buckinghamshire.
33:54Why?
33:55Because they're all posh, aren't they?
34:00I think so. Compared to Essex, maybe that's just the nearest posh place.
34:04In my head, everyone in Buckinghamshire has got a horse and they probably just put some walls around it to keep it safe.
34:12Every kid's got a wall to carry around.
34:14Yeah.
34:15Yeah.
34:16Humpty Dumpty loves it.
34:17Yeah.
34:18It's one county by a long way.
34:20One county has many more walls.
34:22I'm going to go Lancashire.
34:23It's Cornwall.
34:24Oh, it's a wall.
34:25Oh, it's a wall.
34:26It wasn't a name.
34:31What's really curious about Cornwall, I mean, it's almost double that of the runner-up, which is Derbyshire.
34:35A lot of Cornish walls are completely hidden because Cornwall does not have any hedgerows around its fields.
34:41It has Cornish hedges, which are two stone walls which are built back to back and then the earth is stuffed between them.
34:47Related to the subject of walls, what is sheep creep?
34:51Is...
34:52No, I'm not going to make some simplistic joke about people being creepy towards sheep.
34:58Or sheep being creepy towards people.
35:00Yeah.
35:01Looking through your window.
35:02Yeah.
35:03When you're getting into your pyjamas.
35:06I'm just a sheep.
35:07Don't mind me.
35:09Being if there's any wall they recognise.
35:11Yeah.
35:12Nice.
35:13Don't wash that in hot water.
35:14Do you worry about the sheep looking through the window while you're out?
35:17No, I don't worry, I'd love it.
35:18I'd leave the curtains open and be like, lads!
35:22So sometimes, if you look at the bottom of dry stone walls, you'll see a hole.
35:26And it's to allow the sheep to get through.
35:29And they're known as sheep creeps.
35:31And they're also called creep holes, lunky, hog hole, smoot, or smote.
35:35And it's designed to be big enough so it can move between the fields, but it blocks cattle.
35:39So cattle can't get through.
35:40So the cows are going, where's the sheep gone?
35:42Put their leg on.
35:43Is that how they get in the other field?
35:44Yeah, it's like Shawshank Redemption.
35:47How do you get out?
35:48Right.
35:49It's time to wrangle with the tangle that is general ignorance.
35:51Fingers on buzzers, please.
35:53What happened when War of the Worlds was first broadcast on the radio?
35:58Everybody panicked.
35:59They thought it was real.
36:00They set you up, man.
36:01They set you up.
36:02Is it the case that it was a news bulletin about it that caused the panic and not the actual broadcast?
36:12I mean, the whole thing is a sort of myth that's built up around it.
36:15So Orson Welles, who you can see directing, this is a rehearsal and you can see him directing.
36:18Because it was about an alien invasion and people thought it was real.
36:21Well, they did and they didn't.
36:22It was 1938.
36:23It was trailed for weeks as fiction and Welles told people before the broadcast and after the broadcast that it was fiction.
36:30It was interrupted four times to tell the listeners, it's just a play.
36:35And anyway, only 2% of the population listened to it.
36:38Aliens would say that though, wouldn't they?
36:40Yeah, that is true.
36:41They were invading.
36:42They would say, it's just a play.
36:44Imagine if that happened with other TV programmes.
36:46Imagine if, like, every five minutes in Gavin and Stacey they had to tell a man go,
36:49I'm not really called this.
36:51My name's James Corden.
36:53There are very few isolated incidents.
36:55Wells agreed to compensate one man from Massachusetts for a pair of shoes since he had spent the money he had saved for a pair of shoes to get a train ticket to escape the Martians.
37:06And he said, I'll buy you some shoes because you're an idiot.
37:10The only place that people did kind of freak out was a place called Concrete Washington and it coincided with a power cut.
37:17How did they hear the radio then?
37:19Yeah.
37:20Sounds like they were trying to con some shoes there.
37:22Ten years later, there was an actual riot after a radio adaptation of the same play in Quito, Ecuador.
37:30But, you know, this was much more understandable.
37:33There'd been no warnings.
37:34There was a sister newspaper that had deliberately posted fake UFO sightings.
37:39The play used impressionists to pretend to be actual politicians and so on.
37:43And that riot did result in seven deaths.
37:45But the original, 1938, everybody was pretty much five.
37:50Now, where would you find the longest heat wave in living memory?
37:56Sahara Desert, that's hot, isn't it?
37:58Yeah, it is.
37:59They don't have...
38:02Spain, have you seen a place in the sun?
38:05Do you remember our Japanese inventor, Dokkan Nakamatsu?
38:09Oh, yeah. Of course.
38:11The underwater doctor.
38:12Underwater.
38:13Underwater is the longest heat wave on Earth.
38:16It was in the North Pacific, so off the western coast of the United States.
38:19It lasted 711 days from 2014 to 2016.
38:24So we get a large mass of unusually warm water.
38:27It's basically a heat wave for the sea.
38:29Oh, I just thought it was someone weed in the water.
38:31But it's very bad when it happens.
38:33So algae thrives, which is very bad news for lots of species like salmon,
38:37and they swim away to somewhere.
38:39So we need to put their arm in and just swoosh it about.
38:41Yeah, just keep getting it moving.
38:42And put it up the other end of the bath.
38:44But if the fish go because it's too hot or it's too unpleasant,
38:48then the seabirds die.
38:50And during that heat wave, it was the cause of the biggest known mass die-off
38:54of a single species, 4 million Guillemotts died.
38:57So, I mean, we need to pay attention.
38:58The way in which marine heat waves are defined
39:00is quite different to land heat waves.
39:02Land heat waves, it's a period of at least five days
39:05when temperatures are at least five degrees above average.
39:08So, 2013, Antarctica had a heat wave reached heights
39:11of minus 30 degrees Celsius per day.
39:14The longest heat wave that we know was in India,
39:17and that lasted, in 2024, lasted for 24 days.
39:20And here's the thing, is that when it's hot,
39:23we don't think so well.
39:24You're like this.
39:25Scientists discovered this by directing heat lamps at people
39:28and making them do maths.
39:30I could have saved them some time
39:32if they just walked along a beach
39:33and saw what everyone was reading.
39:35Yeah.
39:36Because quite clever people,
39:37the minute you get to the airport,
39:38you're like, I'm not going to actually...
39:40No, yes.
39:41I like something with a raised cover,
39:42and you know it's a romance.
39:43Oh, yeah.
39:44Yes, with that gold lettering.
39:45I like that.
39:46Yes, I think that's very good.
39:48Lamps.
39:49That's because we're so dumb lying on the beach,
39:50like, oh, I'm just stroking my bush.
39:52I'm sure it's going in.
39:54There was a British heat wave, 1976,
39:56which was remarkable.
39:58I remember it well.
39:59Oh, my goodness.
40:00And so there was a minister called Dennis Howell,
40:02and he was made the minister of drugs.
40:04Oh!
40:05Look at the colour of his bathwater!
40:08He was charged by the then Prime Minister James Callaghan
40:13to persuade everybody to use less water,
40:15and even persuaded to do a rain dance
40:17on behalf of the nation outside number 10.
40:19That's when politicians really gave it their all.
40:22Anyway, days later, there was an enormous amount of rain
40:26after his dance, and he was made minister of floods.
40:29LAUGHTER
40:30Are they not taking it seriously in the old days?
40:33I don't know, because two years later,
40:34he was the minister of state for snow,
40:36so he did all the weather.
40:38Yeah.
40:39That guy.
40:40And this was a professional picture?
40:41This wasn't, like...
40:42This wasn't, like, leaked.
40:44I don't know if it's his Tinder profile.
40:46You can see the shadow of the photographer.
40:48It's a sheepy creep.
40:50LAUGHTER
40:51The pattern of his hair is because of the vibration going through.
40:54LAUGHTER
40:55On the side of the glass.
40:57OK, moving along.
41:00What's the largest animal in the world that's not a whale?
41:07LAUGHTER
41:09Christopher Biggins.
41:11LAUGHTER
41:13I love Christopher Biggins.
41:15Biggest non-whale on the planet.
41:17Is it still in the water, though?
41:18Yes.
41:20Oh!
41:21I'm going to say an octopus,
41:22because they've got those really long tentacles, haven't they?
41:25OK, I can tell you it's about one and a half times the length
41:27of a London bus.
41:29It's always buses, isn't it?
41:30It's always buses.
41:31Oh, jellyfish.
41:32Jellyfish.
41:33The biggest non-whale on the planet is a whale shark.
41:36We're always talking about buses, right?
41:38Yeah.
41:39And I don't want to do that,
41:40so what we're going to do is we are going to use people.
41:43So what I do when I come out at the beginning of the show,
41:45I learn the names of everybody in the audience.
41:47LAUGHTER
41:49Which is nice, because then I can speak to them.
41:51So Joe, where's my friend Joe?
41:53Right, so Joe is going to hold up a sign at this end.
41:56I want to show you how big a whale shark is.
42:00And then where is my friend Neil?
42:02Thank you, Neil, darling.
42:03So Neil's going to stand up.
42:04Yes, yes.
42:05So from Neil to Joe, that is the size of a whale shark.
42:10However, this is not even cracking into the top ten of animals.
42:15Obviously, we have to go to the large blue whale for something really big.
42:19And I don't think we've ever been able to do this before.
42:21But my darling, could you go all the way to that wall with your sign?
42:26Thank you so much, Neil.
42:27And if he walks all the way to that wall there, that is the size of a blue whale.
42:34Do you not think that is remarkable?
42:36And we wanted to show you rather than tell you it's just so many buses.
42:40So well done, boys.
42:41Thank you so much.
42:42APPLAUSE
42:43All of which, wibbling and wobbling, brings us to the straight matter of the scores.
42:52Oh, is it the end?
42:53Yeah.
42:54You won't want to know the end because in last place, all washed up with minus 27,
43:03it's Tom.
43:04Oh, I know.
43:05I was so happy.
43:06It's going to make a job.
43:08APPLAUSE
43:09In third place, on the brink of a wipeout with minus 19, it's Sarah.
43:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:13And it's Queen of City.
43:14In second place, wavering on the edge with minus eight, it's Phil.
43:18APPLAUSE
43:19Our winner tonight, riding the wave, with a whole minus four.
43:27It's Alan!
43:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:31So I wave goodbye to Sarah, Tom, Phil and Alan, and I leave you with this wise crack from the late former US President Jimmy Carter.
43:46My esteem in the country has gone up substantially so that now when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.
43:53Thank you and good night.
43:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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