- 10 hours ago
- #qi
- #realityinsighthub
QI XL (2009) Season 18 Episode 9 - Winter Wonderland
#QI XL
#RealityInsightHub
🎞 Please subscribe to our official channel to watch the full movie for free, as soon as possible. ❤️Reality Insight Hub❤️
👉 Official Channel: />👉 THANK YOU ⭐❤️❤️❤️⭐
#QI XL
#RealityInsightHub
🎞 Please subscribe to our official channel to watch the full movie for free, as soon as possible. ❤️Reality Insight Hub❤️
👉 Official Channel: />👉 THANK YOU ⭐❤️❤️❤️⭐
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Good evening.
00:29Merry Christmas and welcome to QI, where we are walking in a winter wonderland.
00:34Let's meet our windswept wanderers.
00:37Driving home for Christmas, it's Julian Clary.
00:43Dashing through the snow, it's Fatia El Ghori.
00:49Jingling all the way, it's Jimmy Carr.
00:55And a reindeer in the headlights, it's Alan Davis.
00:59APPLAUSE
01:00Let's hear their wintry buzzers.
01:06Julian goes...
01:08Snow is falling, all around me.
01:12Fatia goes...
01:14Frosty the snowman.
01:17I was ready for a bit more, I thought it was nice.
01:18That's a bit tight, it's Christmas, hello.
01:20Yeah.
01:21Jimmy goes...
01:23Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.
01:27And Alan goes...
01:28Why does it always rain on me?
01:34Right, let's start by looking under your desks.
01:38I have some Christmas presents for you all.
01:41Uh, Sandy.
01:42Yes, what?
01:43Each year...
01:44Yeah?
01:45You give us presents.
01:46I do, yeah.
01:46And this year, I have a present for you.
01:50Oh, OK.
01:50Applause, please.
01:52APPLAUSE
01:54This is from all of us.
02:00OK.
02:01And who, who wrapped it?
02:04Don't worry about the wrapping, the wrapping's fine.
02:06Don't worry about it.
02:07Right, why am I likely to be delighted by this gift, exactly the way it's been presented?
02:12That looks like a child has wrapped it.
02:15And so, maybe from...
02:17LAUGHTER
02:18From the heart.
02:21Yeah.
02:21I never want to get a present where I have to get an implement to open it.
02:25Yeah, you've got to get scissors out of it.
02:26You've got to get a pen knife or something to get into it.
02:28I don't like that.
02:29This is better.
02:31You could actually probably blow on it and it would open.
02:33I think you're probably right.
02:35So, there was an American writer called Drusilla Lowry, and she wrote a book called The Art of Wrapping Gifts, right?
02:40And she said that a sloppily wrapped package indicates poor taste and indifference or lack of skill.
02:46But there was a study done in 2019 at the University of Nevada, and they found the opposite.
02:51People actually react rather better to a poorly wrapped present because they have a much lower expectation of what's inside.
02:58I don't like getting gifts.
03:00Do you not?
03:01Why?
03:01No, because people then expect gratitude, and I don't rarely feel any.
03:07Keep your gift.
03:09Do you prefer to give or receive gift?
03:12Can we just clip that and put it on TikTok?
03:16I'm going to see what it is.
03:18Did you choose it yourself?
03:19Yeah, yeah, yeah.
03:20OK.
03:20Jimmy, help.
03:22Oh, look!
03:24It's a waffle iron.
03:26That's so lovely.
03:27There you go.
03:27I love that.
03:31So this effect of responding better to poorly wrapped presents, it's true if you get it from a stranger or if you get it from a close friend, right?
03:40Where we don't like a poorly wrapped present is when it's from an acquaintance.
03:44Oh.
03:44I'm trying to shake off acquaintances.
03:47You're either in or you're out.
03:49Yeah, exactly.
03:49Is that right, Julia?
03:50It is.
03:51That's the spirit.
04:02I think that'll run all evening, don't you?
04:05Well, I'm sure there's an ointment for it.
04:07But if it's an acquaintance, apparently people prefer it to be neatly wrapped because then they feel that that person has taken some time about it.
04:14When they say to you in the store, would you like that wrapped, should you say yes or no?
04:19I sometimes think that really shows that you don't give a toss.
04:23Yeah, if you get somebody else to do it.
04:24It really does.
04:24Yeah.
04:24If you just get them to do a shh with the scissors and the ribbon.
04:28If someone gives you a poorly wrapped present, then that means you can give them a poorly wrapped present, so I don't mind.
04:34Yeah.
04:34Or you can just wrap it up the same again and give it back.
04:36Or sometimes what I do is throw it in the bin and then they come and visit me and then I go,
04:40can you put this in the bin, please?
04:41And then they see their present and then they know it's shit.
04:44Oh.
04:45My mother once gave me the ugliest kitchen clock I've ever seen in my whole life.
04:49Anyway, Terry Wogan in those days was doing The Wogan Show and he asked for ugly things you'd received that they could sell off for children in need as a joke, right?
04:57So I sent this clock in.
04:59My mother's there.
05:00She says, let's watch The Wogan Show.
05:02And the thing comes on and I can see the clock in front of him and I pretended I was having a seizure.
05:10Anyway, I did receive an absolutely fantastic gift, which I want to show you, so I just want to handle this very, very carefully.
05:20I'm just going to bring these gloves around.
05:21Are you going to give me an enema?
05:24So, look at this marvellous box that we've got here and when I open it up inside, this is a saint's relic, okay?
05:35This is Saint Wolfstan.
05:36You'll like this, patron saint of vegetarians and peasants.
05:40It looks like a chicken bone.
05:42It does.
05:42Okay.
05:44It is a chicken bone from one of the researchers' lunches today.
05:47It is.
05:48What I was trying to prove is what they call the reliqui effect.
05:53So if you show a random bone and you put it in a marvellous reliqui case, people will think it is much more valuable than it is if it's just a chicken bone, which is in fact what it was.
06:04That's a bit like, you know, when I wear makeup?
06:05Yes.
06:05Well, there was a time when perfectly ordinary brown paper was used.
06:10I'm going to put the, put my relic away.
06:12Brown paper was used a lot in shops to wrap presents.
06:161910s, paper commonly used in American grocery stores and the newspapers started to write editorials against the practice.
06:22So why might that be 1910s?
06:25Where are we heading for 1910?
06:27The war?
06:28World War I.
06:29You need paper.
06:30It's essential for war.
06:31And it was becoming increasingly expensive.
06:33And I think they thought if you could reduce demand by trying to get people to stop having their things wrapped.
06:38Nevertheless, in this country, each year we use 227,000 miles of wrapping paper, which is...
06:47Oh, good little murmur there.
06:48Yeah.
06:49It's enough wrapping paper to go around the earth nine times.
06:53The amount of card used in Christmas cards every year could stretch between London and Lapland over 100 times.
06:58I mean, it's a lot of paper that we...
07:00Yeah, we'll do it.
07:00And most of it can't be recycled.
07:02No.
07:02I don't know what...
07:03With the Christmas card thing, I don't know what the etiquette's meant to be.
07:05I'm the same with birthday cards.
07:06How long are you meant to keep it?
07:08Are you meant to read it and pop it straight in the bin, or...?
07:10I like the ones where people have done the photo themselves.
07:13And I love a round robin.
07:15Oh, a round robin.
07:16We were very pleased that the footings for the conservatory have gone in.
07:19Wow.
07:21This tells you that they've buried a relative.
07:26We've got a new patio.
07:28You know, my uncle is a proper tight prick, yeah?
07:33I swear down, one day on my birthday, I got a card, and I'd opened it,
07:38and he tip-exed out happy Christmas and put happy birthday.
07:41And there was a robin on the front.
07:43I was like, we're Muslim, for God's sake!
07:45What are you doing?
07:47I quite like that.
07:48I like to go and buy, like, a happy retirement card for a sixth birthday.
07:52I just think...
07:53My gran would do that.
07:55She would get a card and tear it in half.
07:58Yeah.
07:59And give you the picture bit just written on the back.
08:02And claimed that it was because, during the war, you had to be frugal.
08:06Right.
08:06And it's 1976, Grant.
08:08But why can't you recycle most Christmas cards?
08:12Tinsel?
08:12Yeah, it's all the glitter and all the extra bits and pieces.
08:15There's metallic materials, shiny laminates and that kind of thing.
08:18Do you know there's a trend happening at the minute, yeah?
08:21Probably not.
08:22What women are doing and girls are, like, spraying their cells of glitter.
08:27Yeah.
08:28And then if your man's cheating, you'll find glitter on him.
08:31And then you know it's not you and you know he's cheating and then you bust his arse up.
08:35Wow.
08:35Sorry, so you're spraying yourself in glitter and then if he's cheating, you'll know?
08:38Yeah.
08:39She'll know.
08:39The other woman will know.
08:40Oh.
08:41Oh.
08:41Does it not cause chafing?
08:46I don't think that's the main worry, Julie.
08:49Right, that's Christmas wrapping all tied up with a bow.
08:52But I do have presents for all of you as well.
08:54If you would look underneath your desks, please.
08:57I've gone with a sort of theme of wellness with these.
09:01So, Alan, Loda, why don't we start with you?
09:04It's easy to undo, you see.
09:06It's easy to undo, a nice bit of ribbon.
09:10There we go.
09:11Beads.
09:11Yeah, so why might you give beads to somebody?
09:16Because...
09:19Because you don't really like them.
09:23Because you're obligated, because you work with them and you have to think of something.
09:27Because these were at the back of your drawer.
09:29So what I can tell you is that all of your gifts are from early Christmas adverts,
09:33so yours was first advertised in 1728 and it's called an anodyne necklace.
09:39Oh.
09:40Actually, this advert for it is from 1756, a little tiny bit later on.
09:43So this is the weirdest thing.
09:44These necklaces contained a poisonous plant called henbane.
09:48It's also known as stinking nightshave.
09:50LAUGHTER
09:53It was meant to help children with teething pain.
09:55At this time, one in three children in England would not expect to reach their fifth birthday.
10:02And teething pain was seen as a sort of sign of something much more serious and possibly something fatal.
10:06So they claimed that if you wore one of these anodyne necklaces,
10:09curative substances would flow from it into the skin, up into the mouth and so on.
10:13You didn't have to chew on it, which was just as well, because it is actually a poison.
10:18But it did seem to work, even though there's no medical reason for it.
10:23Why do you think it might have worked?
10:25They were quite expensive.
10:26There's five shillings for one.
10:29It's one of those things where you tell people it's going to be good for you and then it works.
10:33I think it is partly that, Julian, but also it is the fact that infant mortality rates were lower
10:37amongst rich people and it was only rich people who were able to buy them.
10:43We used to give the kids bicky pegs.
10:46What, for the teething?
10:47For the teething.
10:48And then I don't know what it was.
10:49And then...
10:50And it would sort of gradually get smaller and smaller.
10:53Like a dog biscuit, like a good dog biscuit that lasts.
10:56Yeah.
10:57You know.
10:58Sounds like you're giving the kids dog biscuits.
10:59Yeah.
11:00I know what you're talking about.
11:03It's like cork, isn't it?
11:05That's a good idea, though.
11:06Have a bottle of wine and give the children the cork.
11:08Give the children the cork.
11:10But rich people like Augusta, Princess of Wales, her daughter Queen Caroline of Denmark
11:14and Norway, who's the one on the left there.
11:16In very small quantities, this particular thing, henbane, that was in it,
11:20it is a mild sedative.
11:21If you have more than three grams, it can cause constipation.
11:24Manic episodes, hallucinations and possible death.
11:27Is this sort of a replica or...?
11:29Yes, darling.
11:30We also didn't want to kill Alan.
11:32I mean, today.
11:33Not till the Z series.
11:34Don't miss that episode.
11:38We are going to need a big finish, so...
11:40Yeah.
11:41Right, Julian, do you want to open yours, darling?
11:42Ah, have you pushed the boat out?
11:43This is from a Christmas ad from 1825.
11:46Oh!
11:47What is it?
11:48It's macassar oil.
11:49So, do you know about macassar oil?
11:50Oh, I'm sure you're going to tell me.
11:51Have you heard of anti-macassars, darling?
11:52Anti-macassar?
11:53Yes.
11:54What does that mean?
11:55It was a sort of a piece of cloth that sat on the back of the train.
11:56I thought it was a band from Camden Town.
11:57It's quite a good name for a band, isn't it?
11:58It doesn't smell.
11:59Is that because you would have had oily...
12:00Yeah.
12:01...people wouldn't wash their hair?
12:02It's to stop the oil from the back of your head going onto the train seat and it's called
12:08an anti-macassar.
12:09Macassar oil comes originally from the ebony trees in Indonesia, but this was a much cheaper
12:14blend of oil.
12:15vegetable oils, palm oils and coconuts, so it's the 19th century equivalent of hair gel.
12:32Pure grease is undoubtedly the best nourisher of the hair.
12:36Yeah.
12:37It's supposed to be very, very good oil.
12:38Tell my daughter that.
12:39Good luck.
12:40Do you want to apply some?
12:41Yes.
12:42Go on, then.
12:43Open your hand.
12:44At times I've said that.
12:46Well, there you are.
12:47But you have to follow it by saying, here's some oil.
12:50Right, go on, then.
12:51It's a lovely colour.
12:52What is that?
12:53You've got to run your fingers through.
12:54You've got to do that.
12:55The thing is, Sandy, what will happen if I do that is, we'll stop the show and the
12:56make-up department will come on really fucked off.
12:58Yeah.
12:59Yeah.
13:00Yeah.
13:01You know those people.
13:02Can you imagine the language back there now?
13:03Yeah.
13:04They're watching on the monitor.
13:05Don't you dare put your fingers through that hair.
13:06Don't touch your hair.
13:07Don't touch your hair.
13:08I quite like it.
13:09Oh, it is whiffy.
13:10Does it smell nice?
13:11I thought you said it didn't smell.
13:12Well, I lied.
13:13That's an exchange you've had before, I'm quite proud.
13:28It's an exchange you've had before.
13:31Oh, it's whistly. Does it smell nice? I thought you said it didn't smell. Well, I lied.
13:39That's an exchange you've had before.
13:44Right, Jimmy, come on, let's see what you've got. You were five minutes in and you've lubed him up.
13:50OK, you've not pushed the boat out here. This looks tiny. So this, again, this is something from the past, 1857.
13:56Well, that's some pills of some description. OK, so these are from Mr Pidge
14:01Woodcock of Lincoln. So there were two Christmas adverts for wind pills to treat indigestion.
14:08To cure wind or to give you more? Well, so it depended which advert that you had a look at.
14:12So the very first advert claimed that the pills would conjure happy festive memories. So this is
14:17the Christmas advert. The second was the Boxing Day advert, which was inspired by Christmas Carol.
14:23It said the pills would cure people haunted by the Christmas ghost of indigestion. So if you took them
14:29on Christmas Day, made you happy. If you took them on Boxing Day, got rid of indigestion. Those are your
14:33basic happy pills that we've given you. Lovely.
14:36Shall we smash them up and do a line? I'm very concerned about those two children in the hotel
14:44balloon sent off unaccompanied. Well, not just that, not dressed. Are they the ones with the wind?
14:50Is that what we think? You can still get wind pills. They're called Windy's. Yes, you can. And I
14:55actually promise you that my wife did buy me some for Christmas fun, which really, really amused the
15:00children. I said, stop listening at the door. Go to another room. Did it work? I haven't tried them, actually.
15:08Could you? I should, yeah. I really should. Right, Fatia, come on. Yes. Mine's the biggest one here.
15:161830 is this one. This better not be like a gym or some shit like that, yeah? Oh, no, no, we don't do fitness,
15:22we don't do fitness, you're fine. Because I'll go mad, I can do it.
15:36Merry Christmas! Can you imagine? If I should do that, should I do a rental service? Yeah. You can
15:44rent me, I'll hide in your toilet, and then you'll come and I'll go, Merry Christmas!
15:48Christmas advert for a toilet appeared in several publications in the 1830s. There was a man called
15:54Robert Wiss, there it is, and he said it was the perfect gift for Christmas and New Year's. It's a
16:01portable, self-acting water closet. So it's a kind of commode. They used to be known as thunder boxes.
16:07Because Alan used to go in there. Ah, well. So it looks like a cabinet from the outside, and then when you
16:12open it up, it's got a commode on the inside, a chamber pot. That is the worst James Bond gadget.
16:19What did they do before? Just had a sort of a bowl under the bed, you know, a pot. But this had a
16:24cistern with stored water, and you could actually flush the waste out of the pot, and it went into a
16:28concealed hidden bucket, which was then emptied by the staff. Oh, discreet. Yes, exactly, exactly.
16:34I mean, you say discreet, portable, so presumably people would see you in the high street with it.
16:38What was he doing with that cupboard? He seems to be shitting in it.
16:45During lockdown, because I like to go for a really long walk, I bought a portable toilet tent,
16:49and it was, it was like a big, I did. You didn't do that. I did, I did.
16:55It goes completely over you. Well, no, what it was, it was a pop-up thing. It was a flat
17:01circle, and you just popped it and popped up, like the size of a telephone booth. And I thought
17:05this was marvellous. And then you went in, and... You have to sing when you're in there,
17:08in case someone comes along. Well, darling, it was great, apart from when it blew over outside...
17:13Outside the Tower of London.
17:21You come across a tent wandering round, always have a little look inside,
17:24because it could be Sandy Toxford, technician.
17:29OK, presents away, please. What's most dangerous? A lion, a witch, or a wardrobe? Definitely a witch.
17:38Would a lion be scared of a witch, though? You could reason with a lion.
17:50I would so enjoy that. That's a show we'd all watch, I think.
17:55Hi, welcome to Reason With A Lion.
17:57And the witch, if she's in a good mood, you could get away with it. But if a wardrobe fell on you,
18:05then you'd be in trouble. And that is the correct answer, my darling. Absolutely right.
18:13So, the wonderful book, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, by...
18:16C.S. Lewis. C.S. Lewis, dedicated to Lucy Barfield. And Maud, Lucy's mother, was extremely
18:22worried that children would go looking for Narnia and get stuck inside a wardrobe. So he had to put
18:26some extra lines of text in. And every time, you'll notice in the book, somebody goes through the
18:30wardrobe, he says, they took care to leave the door ajar. And C.S. Lewis does say it's a very
18:34silly thing to lock oneself in a wardrobe. But apparently, we are facing an accident crisis.
18:39Britain loses ten times more working days to domestic accidents than we do to strikes.
18:43So, driving accidents have significantly decreased in the past 20 years. But pretty much all other
18:49accidents have increased. Falls are by far the biggest culprit. Why do you think we might be having
18:56more and more falls? Because there's more stairs? Oh, I like that. We've had a tremendous
19:01increase in stairs. Yes. Well, if I have an accident, it's likely to be on the stairs or
19:08sometimes I open the fridge door and hit myself on the head. This is going to be the worst ever
19:15episode of Miss Marple. Well, I'm... It's the ageing population. Oh, it's the old people. And there's
19:20that terrible fact about if you break a hip as well, you're better off having stage four cancer than a
19:25broken hip. Really? Why? Yeah. It's in Peter Attia's book on longevity. If you break a hip,
19:30it's very, very bad news. Why are you reading books on longevity now? I've had a lot of work done.
19:39My face is like Trigger's broom. There we learned the original still there.
19:46In 2016, this is according to the National Accident Helpline, one in 75 people surveyed
19:51had been injured while shopping in a sales rush. One in 50 people reported falling out of
19:56the loft while retrieving Christmas decorations. One in 90 people had suffered burns while roasting
20:02chestnuts on an open fire. One in 50 had fallen out of the loft? Yeah, I know. Seems
20:08an extraordinarily high number. Yeah. What do you think is the gift in recent years that's
20:12caused the most accidents? Knives. I bought you a very sharp knife. Sandwich maker. Yes,
20:21you could trap your finger in the thing. E-scooters. He's exactly right, darling. My nephew nearly died.
20:28He cut the back of his ankle and he cut an artery. What? And then, yeah, he nearly died. Foolish boy!
20:34I mean, 416 people seriously injured in 2023 and 965 slightly injured. 338 fires. Still a lot more
20:44people falling out the loft, though, isn't it? What's the worst or most embarrassing accident
20:50anybody here has ever had? Oh, you're counting soiling yourself. I mean, we are now.
20:56I've got a soiling myself story, if you'd like to. Go for it, darling. Well, I've told this story
21:05before. I think last time I was on this show, but... It's so long ago, darling. No, I mean... It's in colour now.
21:10Anyway... But no, beat this. I once... I once chapped myself while meeting the Queen.
21:26LAUGHTER It was a Royal Variety show. Yeah. And you had to queue up and, you know,
21:33she came and shakes your hand. And I don't know if it was nerves or I'd had a bit of trouble.
21:37I can't remember. But it was only a little pellet. LAUGHTER
21:44But that's a true story. LAUGHTER
21:47Let's see, you're soiling yourself. LAUGHTER
21:52I can remember doing a little pellet as a child, and it came out of my trouser leg.
21:58LAUGHTER
21:59Is that what happened to you? Yes.
22:03It's shot across the stage... LAUGHTER
22:07..in the general direction of Claire Sweeney. LAUGHTER
22:11This story's got everything.
22:13I've got a poo story, so... Go on.
22:16I was going to tell a story about shaving.
22:18And now you... Are you going to go with the poo? Yeah, I want to go with the poo.
22:22Shaving is too long. That's actually fine. Can I just say to me,
22:24I don't have a poo story. This will be the last one.
22:26LAUGHTER Oh, I cut my, er...
22:29scrotum with... LAUGHTER
22:37Is this the Royal Variety performance?
22:39LAUGHTER
22:41Shaking hands with the Queen and trying to shave my balls at the same time.
22:44You know how that goes. I was alone. Sure.
22:47To do a podcast, and there was a company that stuck...
22:51There were lots and lots of podcasts about football,
22:53nearly all by boys, and mostly listened to by boys.
22:55Anyway, they started sending these shaving kits around,
23:00giving the shaving kits for shaving your undercarriage with,
23:03and we were all sort of in the 40s and 50s,
23:06and thought, what? People are doing what now?
23:09Anyway, I tried it, and I cut myself with this shirt.
23:12LAUGHTER
23:13I just thought, this shouldn't be possible.
23:15It's got all this kind of protective thing on it,
23:18but I got a little bit carried away.
23:21And that is the most embarrassing accident.
23:23And now you've made me say it at the Christmas show.
23:25LAUGHTER
23:30I'll tell you where you went wrong.
23:31You need to stretch the skin. That's what it is.
23:34You just went like this, cos you're lazy.
23:36But you need to stretch the skin. Trust me, I know I'm Arab.
23:38I know about hair.
23:41Thank you so much for doing mine.
23:42LAUGHTER
23:44I couldn't have room in that bathroom to get that smooth.
23:46LAUGHTER
23:51You'd need two people, like, if you were folding a sheep.
23:54LAUGHTER
23:56Two people pulling it out,
23:58and one other person with a lawnmower.
24:00LAUGHTER
24:02LAUGHTER
24:03I can't believe I'm stopping this fascinating conversation.
24:08LAUGHTER
24:09So, hear yours about poo.
24:10So, yeah, I was, like, seven or something,
24:13and then we went on a school trip to a farm,
24:15and I wanted to do a poo, but the teacher goes,
24:17go on your own to the toilet, and I was like, no.
24:19So I just shit in my pants.
24:21And then, like, I sat in it, and I had it in my pants all day,
24:24and all the kids...
24:25Shut up!
24:26LAUGHTER
24:28I wouldn't mess with her.
24:29LAUGHTER
24:30All the kids were like, oh, there's a...
24:32We can smell poo, and I was like, oh, yeah, I wonder who it is.
24:35Maybe it's the stinky kid.
24:36And when I got home, my mum put me in the bath,
24:38and it was stuck to my skin.
24:40She had to soak me and then put it off with a butter knife.
24:43Merry Christmas, everyone.
24:44LAUGHTER
24:45Merry Christmas.
24:46One spoke on a coach trip...
24:47Oh, please don't.
24:52And the driver was a huge man, really, really big man.
24:55And he pulled over on a hard shoulder, and he got out of his cab,
24:58and he made his way down the aisle.
25:00We thought, what's going on?
25:01And he went down the stairs into the loo,
25:04and eventually, he re-emerged, and he said,
25:08no-one can use the toilet, it's full.
25:10LAUGHTER
25:18Anybody in the audience want to talk about...
25:23Now, I've got everybody a bowl of Christmas walnuts.
25:26So, can anybody...
25:27You know, there's that thing where you crush two in your hand,
25:29and you're like...
25:30Oh, I've just done it.
25:32Oh!
25:33I don't know me own strength!
25:34APPLAUSE
25:40There is a sort of straightened look of it, isn't there?
25:41It really is.
25:42OK.
25:43It really is.
25:43So...
25:44Mmm.
25:45I love it.
25:46Yeah, I know the trick.
25:47So, what you do is, you put one there, and then put the other one next to it,
25:51and then you just go like that, and then it opens.
25:53Has it happened?
25:55Yeah.
25:55It will.
25:56What do you mean, it will?
25:57So, it hasn't?
25:58It will.
26:00Stop flirting with me.
26:01OK.
26:03I can't believe I've got to sit next to the stinky kid.
26:05LAUGHTER
26:07Well, it's the stinky kid, it's a bit like the Patsy.
26:13If you don't know who the stinky kid is, it's you.
26:16LAUGHTER
26:17So, I've done it, by the way, look.
26:19Congratulations.
26:19Yeah, it's a mess, but I've done it.
26:21LAUGHTER
26:23Now, why is it so hard to find a walnut's anus?
26:29What have I just eaten?
26:29LAUGHTER
26:31Are they heterosexual?
26:33Walnuts.
26:34It depends what kind of walnut we're talking about.
26:37I'm looking at the walnut, but this is not the kind of walnut, is it?
26:40No, you've done this game before, haven't you?
26:43Different kind of walnuts, the ones in front of us.
26:46The walnut bird.
26:47The walnut snake.
26:49Well, let's go...
26:50Beetle.
26:51The walnut fish.
26:52The walnut whiff.
26:53The walnut whiff.
26:54LAUGHTER
26:58It is a creature in the sea, and they are called sea walnuts.
27:02Look at this, it is so beautiful.
27:03I love those see-through ones.
27:04They're also called wartycomb jellies.
27:07It's not a jellyfish, it's a bit like a jellyfish.
27:09That's not a jellyfish?
27:10No.
27:11Yeah, I'm not sure who you're talking to will get a catch phone with you.
27:14But that, my friend, is a jellyfish.
27:16So, why isn't it a jellyfish? I'm telling you...
27:18No, I'm telling you it is.
27:19No, well, the reason that we know it isn't is because it does have an anus.
27:25So, if it was a jellyfish, it wouldn't.
27:27But what is extraordinary about them is that these are transient anuses.
27:32What do we think that means?
27:33It moves around.
27:35Well, it's only there for a very short time.
27:37They only create one on a temporary basis when they need to poo.
27:42So, when it needs to go, the digestive system fuses with its skin
27:46to form an opening, it does a poo, and the opening then closes
27:49in a matter of minutes, and they do this about once an hour,
27:52unless they're a very, very young one, in which case it's about every 10 minutes.
27:55So, it is a jellyfish most of the time?
27:57No, it isn't.
28:00You're saying once an hour, it isn't a jellyfish briefly.
28:03I wonder why they do that, though.
28:05What's in it for them?
28:06What to do it?
28:07Not to have a permanent arsehole.
28:10I think it's that they're not so vulnerable, darling.
28:12I think it's that.
28:13It's basically, you know, it's an exit for them and an entrance for others.
28:16Well, tell me about it.
28:22When you think about it, though, it would be practical if you're on,
28:25I don't know, let's say, a school trip, perhaps.
28:27Yeah.
28:28Yeah.
28:29Just create an arsehole and then gone again.
28:31Yeah.
28:31Just to not have one the whole time.
28:33Yeah.
28:33Because, you know, accidents happen.
28:35Yeah.
28:36A long walk to the toilet, maybe I'll just shit myself.
28:39What?
28:41Jellyfish don't have anuses.
28:42They expel their waste through the mouth.
28:44So, it's the difference between the two.
28:46How do you know it's its mouth?
28:47What's it saying?
28:49I mean, I think people have studied this.
28:50There's an amazing American zoologist called Libby Hyman,
28:55and it was because she noticed that these particular creatures,
28:58the sea walnuts, have these transient anuses,
29:00that she realised that they were not the same as jellyfish.
29:02I don't even think that's a real person.
29:04Libby Hyman?
29:04Libby Hyman.
29:05Libby Hyman.
29:06That sounds made up.
29:07She's from a limerick.
29:08If...
29:12What are Libby Hyman?
29:14Have you?
29:15Still intact, but you horse ride.
29:21Now, this picture is a wassail box.
29:25It's a traditional Christmas item.
29:27You would have to pay to look inside.
29:29What will you give me to look inside?
29:31A penny.
29:33Penny, I like the idea.
29:34Penny, that penny for the guy?
29:35A penny would be fine.
29:36There was a Christmas tradition called a wassail, but where?
29:39Where?
29:40Yes, Yorkshire was very common.
29:42OK, Newcastle, isn't it?
29:43Wassail box?
29:44Well, it's actually a Scandinavian thing.
29:46So, you would ask for some money, and then you would show what's inside.
29:49What do you think is in the box that they're going to show?
29:51It's a music box.
29:52No, it...
29:53Well, let's have a look on the picture.
29:55This was the Christmas tradition that...
29:56June Whitfield.
30:01It's in the kids' version.
30:03Two tiny dolls representing the Virgin Mary and the Baby Jesus.
30:06And that's not the real Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus?
30:10Yes, this is the real Vir...
30:13Smaller than you'd think.
30:14Do you think people were smaller?
30:20Because my children are really getting really big.
30:26My daughter's taller than nearly all of us.
30:29So, if you really went backwards through time,
30:33with people getting a little bit smaller, a little bit smaller,
30:35a little bit smaller, that probably is how big Virgin Mary was.
30:38LAUGHTER
30:44I was going to ask, you know, if you open it.
30:45Are you going to ask why Alan doesn't sit in this chair?
30:48No, I was going to say, he's hot today, isn't it?
30:52This tradition, we don't know how old it is, maybe 18th, 19th century,
30:55but it has carried on.
30:56Except in America, I don't think they've really got the hang of it,
30:58because sometimes when people do it, they open the box and inside is Ken and Barbie.
31:02LAUGHTER
31:04The one in the middle there is from the distant past, when people were smaller.
31:07LAUGHTER
31:13I'd say you're from the 1400s.
31:15LAUGHTER
31:18This is adult wassailing.
31:19You would go door to door and you would sing and you would offer alcoholic drinks from a wassail bowl,
31:23that's what she's holding there, in return for gifts.
31:26She's saying, we are Bananarama.
31:30I don't think I'd like some random man knocking on the door,
31:34asking for money to look in the box.
31:36No!
31:37LAUGHTER
31:38Who likes to look in my box?
31:40OK, moving along.
31:43Why did Oliver Cromwell ban Christmas?
31:47Don't tell anyone, right, but he was a Muslim.
31:50He was a Muslim man.
31:51LAUGHTER
32:01Damn you!
32:03Anybody else?
32:04Erm...
32:06Oh, I thought I was going to think of something.
32:09Nothing came out.
32:12Imagine you're meeting the Queen.
32:13Yeah.
32:17What's he doing there?
32:17He feels like he's signalling to someone holding his ear.
32:19The answer is that he didn't ban Christmas.
32:22Yeah, no, a while.
32:24You might want to check again because, yeah, he did.
32:26No, it's a Christmas myth.
32:27Truth is, he actually quite liked a party.
32:30He enjoyed smoking and drinking.
32:31Scandalously, he allowed dancing at his daughter's wedding.
32:35So he wasn't anti-party.
32:37The Christmas ban started with the Scottish Presbyterians,
32:40so they had been discouraging Christmas celebrations for years, since 1583.
32:44And the Puritans needed the Scottish support.
32:46So it's his party that were trying to keep the Scots calm,
32:51and it wasn't Cromwell himself who thought, let's get rid of Christmas.
32:54There are parts of the country where they didn't pay any attention at all.
32:56So Devon and Cornwall, for example, they just carried on.
32:58They probably hadn't heard about it.
33:00LAUGHTER
33:01When do you think Christmas Day became a holiday in Scotland?
33:04I'll give you ten points if you're within the right decade.
33:061974.
33:08Not far.
33:09What, 64? 59.
33:11You win. 58.
33:12Yes, absolutely.
33:13APPLAUSE
33:16So it wasn't a holiday in Scotland?
33:17It wasn't a holiday until 1958.
33:18Until 1958?
33:19Yeah.
33:20Mm-hm.
33:21LAUGHTER
33:23Anyway, moving on.
33:27Why were Christmas Day weddings so popular in the past?
33:31Snow.
33:32Is it one of those things where, like, if you have your wedding on Christmas,
33:36you can't forget your anniversary?
33:38LAUGHTER
33:41Do you forget your anniversary?
33:42Do you forget your anniversary?
33:43Yeah.
33:44Yeah.
33:45But if you get married at Christmas, it feels like that or Valentine's,
33:48you go, it's also one gift.
33:49Yeah.
33:50Great.
33:51Are you...
33:51May I ask?
33:52Are you married?
33:52No, no.
33:53No, no, we're just friends.
33:57I mean, we're getting on great.
33:58Yeah.
33:59No, I've been married and divorced twice because I don't learn the first time.
34:03Third time lucky, is that what we're saying?
34:05No, I'm sick of these people.
34:10That was not either of her husbands.
34:14Imagine if I turned out to be both.
34:17I've married her twice, I'm a master of disguise.
34:20I'm Moroccan and we have a sandwich, if it rains on your wedding day,
34:24then it means it's going to turn out bad.
34:26And that's why it rained on both my weddings.
34:29In...in Morocco?
34:30Yeah.
34:31Yeah.
34:31Not famous for its rain, is it?
34:32No.
34:34Gillian, are you married, don't you?
34:35Yes, my husband slipped his finger into my ring.
34:42Eight years ago now.
34:43Congratulations.
34:44Aww.
34:45But anyway, getting back to the question.
34:46Yes.
34:48Why get married on Christmas Day?
34:49Everyone's got the day off.
34:51Unless they've got it.
34:53Is the correct answer.
34:54Ah!
34:55I was about to say that.
34:56I'm so sorry.
34:57I'm so sorry to you.
34:58Put your buzzer and say it and then let it in.
35:00Wait, that's it.
35:01Well, pretend he hasn't said it.
35:02What were you going to say, Julian?
35:04No, don't patronise me.
35:11It's because they didn't have many days off.
35:14Yeah.
35:14So Christmas Day was off.
35:15What better day?
35:17Exactly right.
35:17Christmas Day and Boxing Day were the sort of days that you...
35:19Very clever boys, Julian.
35:21Yes, you are.
35:23Yes, you are a clever boy.
35:25So it was a very popular time.
35:26In fact, churches would give discounted rates
35:29if multiple couples got married at the same time.
35:31This is a picture at St George Church in London in 1920.
35:34She's got stars on her head.
35:36The third one from the left.
35:37Why has she got two stars?
35:39Oh, yeah.
35:39A trip advisor.
35:40They made their own.
35:42It's a trip advisor thing.
35:43She's not great.
35:47In 1913, the Guardian reported that Church and Stepney
35:50had married 25 couples all on the same day.
35:53Now, it's almost time for the bum note that we call
35:56General Ignorance, but this year I have some friends
35:59to help me with the questions.
36:00Please welcome the QI Choir under the direction of John Riddell.
36:03Take it away.
36:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
36:07AND APPLAUSE
36:11MUSIC PLAYS
36:38Hey!
36:39APPLAUSE
36:40I don't want to be very large.
36:45What occasion was this tune composed for?
36:49Oh. Yes, Julian.
36:51Easter.
36:54Is it the John Lewis Christmas ad?
36:56Home Alone, When the Thieves Breaking In.
36:59Well, that is true. It is in Home Alone.
37:02Yes! But that's not what it was composed for.
37:04It's after Christmas. What comes after Christmas?
37:06Twelfth Night, Boxing Day, Easter.
37:10It's on a holiday. Mother's Day.
37:13New Year. Yes!
37:15Yes, Alan, it's New Year's, exactly right.
37:18What do we call this tune?
37:20Does anyone in the audience know this?
37:22Carol of the Bells is exactly right,
37:24but it was originally a Ukrainian folk song for New Year's Eve.
37:28It was called Shedrak, which means bountiful evening.
37:31So the lyrics are nothing to do with bells, nothing to do with Christmas.
37:34It's actually about a swallow visiting a home
37:36and delivering luck for the new year.
37:38The very first modern arrangement was 1919.
37:41A Ukrainian composer called Mikolai Leontovich
37:44and then a Ukrainian-American called Peter Wilhowski.
37:47He rearranged it and added the English lyrics
37:49and renamed it Carol of the Bells in 1922.
37:51But it has always been associated with Christmas ever since.
37:54Let's have another tune.
37:55Who sang this song in the 1982 animated film The Snowman?
38:00We're walking in the air
38:08We're floating in the moonlit sky
38:12Julian's off. Who was it?
38:14Ali Jones.
38:15No!
38:16It was written by Howard Blake specifically for the film,
38:21but it was actually sung by a choir boy named Peter Orte.
38:25There he is, he's now a professional operatic tenor,
38:28but he didn't get any credit in the film
38:30because they forgot to put his name on.
38:321985, the song was used in an advert for Toys R Us
38:35and it had to be re-recorded, but this guy, Peter Orte's voice,
38:39had already broken.
38:40And so a new version was sung by Ali Jones
38:42and that was released and that became a huge hit.
38:44And that is why we think Ali Jones sang it in the film,
38:47but it isn't actually him.
38:49Here's another song that was originally written for New Year,
38:53but what is the first line?
38:56What are you going to say?
39:09La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la.
39:15Is it Deck the Halls with Something and Holly?
39:25No, no, no.
39:28I didn't say bow, so I don't know why you buzzed me.
39:32Well, I don't know. Is it Tis the Season to be Johnny?
39:38I think it's Ant and Deck with Phil and Holly.
39:43So I asked for the original lyrics,
39:45and it's an Old Welsh tune called Nosgallen or New Year.
39:49The oldest version of the lyrics are translated into English as this.
39:53Oh, I like that.
40:16Oh, how soft my fair one's bosom. Absolute filth.
40:26Finally, have a listen to this.
40:28Now, who wrote it and what instrument is performing the lead melody?
40:36Is it a nutcracker? It is the nutcracker. You are absolutely right.
40:42Tchaikovsky. Tchaikovsky is very good.
40:44And the oboe? It's not an oboe.
40:46Harpsichord. We're nearer with the harpsichord.
40:48Triangle.
40:56It's the Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy, Tchaikovsky's The Nutcracker.
41:00It's played on a Celesta. There it is, a Celesta.
41:05If you lift that up, you can take a shit in it.
41:07LAUGHTER
41:09If you lift it up, Sandy talks things in it.
41:16LAUGHTER
41:18I'm busy.
41:19Celesta, it comes from the French word for heavenly,
41:21so it looks like a piano, but when you press the keys,
41:24hammers hit metal plates with wooden resonators underneath.
41:27It gives it a sort of soft, almost like a triangle.
41:30It was invented in 1886 by a Parisian organ maker,
41:33Charles Victor Mustel, and his son, August,
41:36and Tchaikovsky ordered one immediately.
41:38Does anybody know what a sugar plum is?
41:41It's the dance of the sugar plum fairy.
41:43Isn't it a thing that hangs off a tree?
41:45A Christmas tree that you can eat?
41:47Yes, it's exactly right. It's a kind of sweet.
41:49It's what's called a comfit.
41:50It's a seed, a nut or a berry, which has got layers of hard sugar on it.
41:54And I will give ten points to anybody who can tell me
41:57where we saw sugar plums at the beginning of the show.
42:01Oh, now, they were mentioned on one of the adverts
42:05that came up earlier.
42:07You're exactly right. It was for your anodyne necklace.
42:09Yeah, look, sugar plums for worms.
42:11You get ten points. Very, very, very well done.
42:13APPLAUSE
42:19At the top of the advert, it says sugar plums for worms,
42:23and it was thought to be a cure for intestinal worms.
42:25It was widely believed they might kill the tooth worms as well
42:29that caused toothache.
42:30So, well spotted, darling.
42:32I've read it all.
42:33No, I love that you've actually remembered something.
42:36Now it's time to look at our scores.
42:39Let's see who's top of the nice list and who's on thin ice.
42:42Pretty sure I nailed this.
42:45Joy to the world in first place with 16 points, it's Alan.
42:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:55Don't worry, ski happy.
43:01In second place with minus nine, it's Julian.
43:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:08Snowbody's perfect in third place with minus 27.
43:11Fatihah!
43:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:14And in last place, a lost clause.
43:17With minus 29, Jimmy!
43:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:20So, it's a big thank you to Fatihah, Jimmy, Julian and Alan,
43:21and a very Merry Christmas from all of us.
43:22Let's all go and join the choir and sing.
43:24Off you go, people.
43:25MUSIC PLAYS
43:26MUSIC PLAYS
43:27MUSIC PLAYS
43:28MUSIC PLAYS
43:29MUSIC PLAYS
43:30MUSIC PLAYS
43:31So, it's a big thank you to Fatihah, Jimmy, Julian and Alan,
43:34and a very Merry Christmas from all of us.
43:36Let's all go and join the choir and sing.
43:39Off you go, people.
43:40MUSIC PLAYS
43:42MUSIC PLAYS
43:44MUSIC PLAYS
43:46MUSIC PLAYS
43:48MUSIC PLAYS
43:50MUSIC PLAYS
43:53MUSIC CONTINUES
43:56MUSIC CONTINUES
43:57MUSIC CONTINUES
43:58MUSIC CONTINUES
43:59MUSIC CONTINUES
44:00MUSIC CONTINUES
44:01MUSIC CONTINUES
44:02MUSIC CONTINUES
44:03MUSIC CONTINUES
44:04MUSIC CONTINUES
44:05MUSIC CONTINUES
44:06MUSIC CONTINUES
44:07MUSIC CONTINUES
44:08MUSIC CONTINUES
44:09MUSIC CONTINUES
44:10MUSIC CONTINUES
44:11MUSIC CONTINUES
44:12MUSIC CONTINUES
44:13MUSIC CONTINUES
44:14MUSIC CONTINUES
44:15MUSIC CONTINUES
44:16MUSIC CONTINUES
44:17MUSIC CONTINUES
44:18MUSIC CONTINUES
Be the first to comment