- 7 minutes ago
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🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00The end of the season is a great day.
00:05The end of the season is a great day,
00:07and we can't wait for a night.
00:09The end of the season is a great day.
00:10The end of the season is a great day.
00:13The end of the season is a great day.
00:15It's Christmas Eve at St. Denis,
00:17and even in a hospital, it's the best time of year.
00:20Ooh, there's Santa!
00:22Or, um, Mr. Holiday Man,
00:25as we tell the nondenominational patients.
00:27Are you here to spread some Christmas cheer?
00:29Yeah, I'd rather just tell a male doctor.
00:32Are you okay, Santa?
00:34Oh, yeah, Santa's fine, ho-ho.
00:37Just, uh, a little problem with, uh, North Pole.
00:41Okay, everybody, let's go back to our seats.
00:44Don't look back at Santa.
00:46Don't look at him.
00:47Don't look back at him.
00:48Don't look back at Santa.
00:49Oh, .
00:59All right.
01:00Watch out.
01:01I get it.
01:02Wow.
01:03The whole family's here.
01:04What have we got?
01:05Well, Mr. Klein came in with some hip pain.
01:06Uh-uh.
01:07Sorry.
01:08Bob has hip pain.
01:09We had a whole back and forth about that earlier.
01:10Yeah, and I asked her if I could call her sweetheart,
01:12but not in a gross way.
01:13Weirdly, I was fine with that.
01:14You are a braver man than I am, Bob.
01:15Hmm.
01:16How did you hurt the hip?
01:17Pole vaulting.
01:18No, come on, Doc.
01:19I'm ancient.
01:20The wind hit me weird, and I tripped over myself like, uh,
01:21like this guy's seeing a bikini at the beach.
01:23He clocked your buddy.
01:24I've never been to the beach.
01:25How's your health otherwise?
01:26Strong as an ox.
01:27Dad.
01:28Oh, my God.
01:29Oh, my God.
01:30Oh, my God.
01:31Oh, my God.
01:32Oh, my God.
01:33Oh, my God.
01:34Oh, my God.
01:35Oh, my God.
01:36Oh, my God.
01:37Oh, my God.
01:38Oh, my God.
01:39Oh, my God.
01:40Oh, my God.
01:41Oh, my God.
01:42Strong as an ox.
01:43Dad.
01:44He's had leukemia for about 16 months.
01:47Strong as an ox with blood cancer.
01:49An ox will work right up until it dies.
01:51Okay.
01:52Uh, well, we are going to leave you guys to it,
01:54and I'll be back to start some tests, all right?
01:56Looking forward to it, sweetheart.
01:58See, I don't mind that.
02:00Isn't that weird?
02:01Well, we're not supposed to have favorite patients,
02:03but we do.
02:04I almost don't want them to get better.
02:06The rest of my patients today are duds.
02:09Oh, I love this.
02:12Pornography alert.
02:14No, I'm sorry.
02:15That was inappropriate.
02:16I know you're not watching pornography in a group setting.
02:19I just couldn't think of anything else to say.
02:21It's not pornography, is it?
02:23It's just nurse talk, Joyce.
02:24Videos from hospitals, nurses, doctors.
02:26Portland General.
02:28Blech.
02:29Oh, four million views.
02:31That's eight million eyeballs.
02:33Some people don't have two eyes.
02:35So more like seven and a half million eyeballs?
02:37Okay, that seems low, Holly.
02:38That seems really low.
02:40Social media is here to stay.
02:43I've always believed that.
02:44That's why I run an Instagram account for St. Dennis.
02:47To those who celebrate, happy Halloween.
02:50But for Portland General to generate that level of traffic?
02:55I mean, a bigger presence means more patience, more clout, more dollars.
03:00Right now we only have 142 followers.
03:03Oh, 141 followers.
03:06Sanderson unfollowed.
03:07I call this travel charcuterie board a Lunchable.
03:10He'll be back.
03:12So I was gonna propose to my girlfriend.
03:14Oh.
03:15And I decided to take the engagement ring and put it around my penis.
03:19Right.
03:20Okay.
03:21The ring is actually pretty big.
03:24Yeah.
03:25It's much bigger than anything you're imagining.
03:26My fingers are huge.
03:27He calls me carrot fingers.
03:29Yeah.
03:30Anyway, so the ring is on my penis.
03:33And I start thinking about our life together and I get aroused.
03:36It's actually really romantic.
03:38The blood is trapped and the ring is very, very tight.
03:41So just be prepared.
03:43I've been here a while now, so pretty much everything's routine to me.
03:48Okay.
03:49Right.
03:50I see the ring you're talking about right there in the middle.
03:54Inspector Schweitz, could you jump in here really quick?
03:57Sure.
03:58All right.
03:59Seems to be a problem.
04:00Oh, my God.
04:01It looks like a penis.
04:03Is that your penis?
04:04Yeah.
04:05Who did that to you?
04:06Did you do this to him?
04:07No, man.
04:08Bob, you have such a loving family.
04:11It would be so nice to have them all come together like that.
04:13I'm a lucky guy.
04:14No.
04:15It's work, you know?
04:17You put in the work and it's paying off.
04:19I admire you.
04:21How about you guys?
04:22You got any travel plans for the holidays?
04:24Oh, no.
04:25I just have, you know, dinner with the whole family.
04:27Although, I would like to put Tim's parents on a plane, if you know what I mean.
04:32Because they have never been to the Caribbean and I would love to give that to them.
04:36Ron's going to Texas.
04:38Actually, I'm staying home.
04:40Got a bottle of Laphroaig and a box of Christmas Crunch cereal so me and the captain are about
04:45to partay.
04:49It's...
04:50You're making it feel sad.
04:52It's not sad.
04:53My kids are grown now.
04:55It's not like they're going to be running around the Christmas tree screaming over presents.
04:59Presents.
05:00I got to get on that.
05:03Oh!
05:04Okay.
05:05Why don't we do that thing where everybody dances and lip syncs to a song like,
05:09So You Had a Bad Day, but we make it about a good day.
05:12A little first thought, right?
05:13Uh-huh.
05:14Yeah.
05:15That was dumb.
05:16Just reads us 2016.
05:17Oh, maybe even earlier.
05:182015.
05:19I asked Serena to help me pump up St. Dennis' social media presence.
05:24And she jumped at the chance.
05:26She said she couldn't let me do it alone.
05:28The best thing about our social media presence is that it barely exists.
05:31But if Joyce is going to start posting more and then tagging me asking me to repost,
05:36I cannot let her do this alone.
05:39Or, what if we do that thing where everybody freezes?
05:45We freeze, and then the camera pans around us like our mannequins.
05:50No?
05:51A little first thought.
05:52But where's Mrs. Claus in this twisted universe here?
05:55We didn't really think.
05:56Oh, you didn't think?
05:57She's only given thousands of years to this man, but you didn't think.
06:00Okay.
06:01Our ring cutter's broken, but the hospital has access to the fire departments.
06:03Oh, thank God.
06:04I was legitimately worried for you.
06:06But that one's also broken.
06:08But there is a fire department 80 miles away.
06:10There you go.
06:11But they're buried in a snowstorm.
06:12Oh, God.
06:13Hey, it's okay.
06:15I'm not worried.
06:17Hey.
06:18So, uh, I thought you were flying down to Texas.
06:22Something happened?
06:23No, what I said was my family is going, which includes my ex-wife.
06:28Now, we really can't be in the same county at the same time.
06:30You sure you're gonna be okay?
06:32Are you serious?
06:33I get time to relax, watch Christmas TV, Die Hard, and that channel with the burning log?
06:40Mm-hmm.
06:41I can switch back and forth as many times as I want.
06:43Die hard, log, die hard, log.
06:46Hang on, Rob.
06:47This can't be right.
06:48Bob's lab results.
06:50Let's see.
06:51Look at the blood work.
06:52Bob?
06:53Wait, it's off first.
06:54Let me tell you.
06:55I'm the doctor.
06:56I have good news.
06:57Your cancer's gone.
06:58Woo!
06:59You're in shock.
07:02But you have a clean bill of help.
07:04The Christmas miracle.
07:05Yay!
07:06What are the rules about doctor-patient confidentiality?
07:10Like, are you allowed to tell my family about this?
07:13No, not without your permission.
07:16Great.
07:17I don't give my permission.
07:19And I've never had cancer.
07:21Wait.
07:22You've never had cancer?
07:24Not yet.
07:25So you've just been lying to your family this entire time?
07:28Look, when your kids grow up, they start to forget about you, and that doesn't feel so good.
07:33I mean, I didn't feel good about all of this, but now my family visits me all the time, and our relationship is better than it's ever been.
07:44This is the worst thing I have ever seen on the job, and I just helped a man who had maggots coming out of sores on his feet.
07:52Okay?
07:53You're worse than that!
07:54Well, listen.
07:55I'm not gonna tell my family the truth, and you can't.
07:58I'd hate to slap you with a HIPAA violation.
08:01Oh.
08:02My babies!
08:03Hi.
08:04Give Daddy a hug.
08:05I'm coming, Dad.
08:06Get over here.
08:07Great to see you.
08:08The doctors you meet at St. Dennis.
08:10Orthopedics.
08:11What up, bruh?
08:12I like fixing knees and carving tight lines and powder.
08:16That's, uh, snowboarding, not drugs.
08:18Cardiologist.
08:19Hey, I don't know much about snowboarding.
08:22Less about snowboarding.
08:23Okay, Serena, now you're just getting in my head.
08:25Let me explore.
08:26Uh, I'm a GI doctor, and I think I've got a gift to women.
08:30I'm gonna take you out to dinner, and I'm gonna tell you I had an amazing time and then never call you back,
08:34and then be weird to you at work for the next 15 years, and then one day I'm just gonna show up married.
08:39What is that?
08:40What is that?
08:42Did you and Dr. Sullivan date?
08:44Pfft, Serena, I'm talking about gastroenterologists in general.
08:49Okay.
08:50This guy would rather lie to his family than actually earn their love? It's sick.
08:55It is, but...
08:56Oh, come on. There's a but?
08:57Well, your kids are still in the magic years, but eventually they get older and they tend to lose interest in you.
09:03And the way to get their attention is by faking cancer? Come on.
09:06Well, I'm not defending him. I'm just saying there's two sides to every story.
09:10I get that nurturing closeness with family is hard. Okay? It takes effort. I work all day, I go home, I'm exhausted, and I still find time to talk about Minecraft. Okay?
09:18So maybe if your family isn't close, that's on you.
09:21Or maybe your kids moved to Austin for the food scene and it's no one's fault.
09:25Ron, no, I... Come, I didn't mean you. I'm talking about... Like, he, he's taking like a sick shortcut to love.
09:31I get it. But it doesn't matter. We're not gonna tell the family. It's not our job to cure being a jerk. We're just gonna let it go.
09:40Fine.
09:41Medicine isn't just science. Sometimes it's like jazz.
09:44It's scary.
09:45What? No, that's not... I mean, you gotta improvise, right? So let's get creative. Matt.
09:50Train it with a big needle.
09:51Juice it like a raisin, maybe. Oh, yeah.
09:53Or we flatten it with some kind of vice.
09:55Stretch it out. Roll it thin.
09:56Yes.
09:57Maybe you could get the ring burning hot so the metal expands. Honey, Jesus.
10:03Wait, wait, wait. I like it. It could scorch a penis, though.
10:06Can't we just wait for the ring cutter to get here?
10:08Well, it might not come. And if we wait, your penis could turn septic. The infection would kill you.
10:12Hey, don't worry. We'd amputate before it came to that.
10:15I definitely do not want that.
10:17Okay. I will note that on your chart.
10:19Oh, yeah. But, Dad, we got Italian-free you last night and David's gluten-free.
10:24Oh, David, you know, that diet is totally unnecessary. Just take the stairs or something.
10:29I have celiac disease.
10:31Oh, I keep forgetting, you know. Maybe because it's not as dire as, you know, what I have.
10:37He called me sweetheart. And I liked it.
10:41Okay. Rapid fire. Wildest stories from the ER.
10:45I drained an abscess that smelled so bad I threw up.
10:47Uh-oh. Yuck alerts.
10:49Joyce, don't comment on things.
10:50Then we'll put in a siren sound effect. Um, dance floor, not cop car.
10:53When a leg breaks completely backwards like a busted-up crab, we call them crabbies.
10:57What? These are human beings.
10:59Joyce, stop commenting.
11:00Dr. Andrews, come dish on some wild stuff.
11:02Uh, a couple coming back from their honeymoon.
11:06Mmm, uh-oh.
11:07They got T-boned by a transport truck, rushed in, both circling the drain.
11:12Okay, that's enough.
11:13They're both begging me to save the other one's life.
11:15My wife asked me why I've got such a short fuse at home.
11:18Well, I'll tell you why.
11:19Bill, you know we're trying to have fun here.
11:22I know you can see that.
11:23Not cool.
11:24Oh, I-I'm sorry.
11:28I-I should have offered to share half of that with you.
11:34You want to split the chocolate?
11:36First, I'm more of a vanilla guy, and second, why are you doing this?
11:42You have to realize how messed up this is.
11:45Listen, I know. It's-it's crazy.
11:49Did you say you were divorced?
11:51We're talking about you.
11:53Well, my wife was the glue of my family.
11:58I mean, she planned all the family trips.
12:01She made all the holidays special for us.
12:04And when she passed away, my-my kids and I, we just-we didn't know how to be around each other.
12:10And the kids just kinda drifted away.
12:13You have any idea what that's like?
12:16I guess my kids are a little distant.
12:19Now that they've moved away, it's easier to let the days get away from you.
12:23The glue does fade.
12:25So I get it.
12:26Oh, and I do like the chocolate side of the cookie.
12:29I don't know why I lied about that.
12:33Oh, my God.
12:34It's fine. It's fine. I'm a pro. Thank you.
12:37Jesus. I'm sorry. Just a little bigger than I was expecting, but, uh, not a problem.
12:42Okay, let's do this.
12:48Be gentle.
12:49Obviously, yeah.
12:50Okay, here's a day in the life of the VR.
12:54Oh, my God! What is that?
12:56Jesus, Joyce! I almost cut this guy's off!
13:01Hey, Serena.
13:05Yeah, it's pretty good for a first try.
13:07This was our 12th.
13:09It'd be way easier if I was doing this with you.
13:12I could just boss you around.
13:14What?
13:15I mean, I would support you, obviously.
13:17Wanna trade?
13:18You film with Joyce, and I'll take the penis thing.
13:21Nope.
13:22I'm emotionally invested.
13:23It's all over a penis now.
13:26Yeah.
13:28Oh, what? Now you're on his side?
13:30No.
13:31His wife died.
13:33And sometimes when you feel your family drifting apart, people do crazy things to keep them together.
13:37Okay.
13:38Trust me.
13:39I wouldn't fake cancer, though.
13:40Well, maybe you don't love your family as much as other people do.
13:43And Dad's mad that I forgot his tiramisu. Solid priorities.
13:47Your dad's lucky to have you. You're a good daughter.
13:50I'm glad to make him comfortable. Still can't be easy, though, right?
13:54No. Kind of have to put your whole life on hold.
13:56But the time you spend together is a gift.
13:59Yeah, a gift that comes with work, like a mop with a bow on it.
14:02Still, I'm sure your mom would be happy knowing that you're all together on Christmas.
14:06No, she hates that we're here.
14:08No, how do you know that?
14:09She's texted me all day about it.
14:11Not from heaven, I'm assuming.
14:13Uh, no, from San Diego, where she lives with a new husband who doesn't cheat on her with my golf coach.
14:19But what can I do? He's sick.
14:21Yes, he is a very sick man.
14:24Mm-hmm.
14:25Okay, thanks.
14:26Bob's a liar.
14:27We knew that all along.
14:29Yeah, well, this time he lied to me. It's one thing you do that with your family.
14:32But I'm an innocent bystander here.
14:34So, rigged a little mock-up here. Fake patient, hot dog, washer.
14:39Sometimes you gotta practice. Rehearse the thing until you got it down cold.
14:42Like jazz.
14:43Oh, God, just hold the light on it, all right?
14:46This would be a lot better with a cadaver, but the morgue guy was pretty huffy about it.
14:51Yeah, really shaken up by the request.
14:53All right, here we go.
14:55Come on, come on, come on.
14:59Yeah! All right!
15:02Should we go for two in a row?
15:06Hmm.
15:07Yeah, not a great ratio.
15:10Welcome to our pediatrics department where beautiful, heartwarming things
15:15are always happening.
15:17Joyce, we need something punchy, viral.
15:19This is too soft.
15:20He has a little bear.
15:22Oh, come on.
15:23Hi there.
15:24Um, who's this little friend?
15:26I ate the pebbles in my fish tank.
15:29Oh, but does your bear have a name?
15:31I can't leave until all the pebbles come out.
15:34You're killing me, kid. This is so boring.
15:36What happened?
15:40We turned on his cochlear implant.
15:42He just heard my voice for the first time.
15:45Damn it!
15:47Sorry, sorry.
15:48That pebble kid just...
15:50Little boy hearing his mama's voice for the first time.
15:53Would've been nice to capture that, but did we?
15:55No.
15:56You were supposed to support me today.
15:58And all you've done is roll the eyes.
16:00Ugh.
16:01Just like that.
16:02I mean, every instinct you have is, like, impressively the opposite of what the internet likes.
16:06I've got it. I've got the solution.
16:09He thinks he has a solution.
16:11Hmm?
16:13Yes, it seems crazy, but you know who else looked crazy?
16:17A lot of famous people who did some good stuff.
16:21I'm at the forefront of my field, obviously.
16:23I'm a master with the scalpel, but I'm also the master of another blade.
16:27Katana, or katana, is a weapon and a practice that has captured the imagination of the world, mostly guys, for centuries.
16:36I'm also pretty handy with a crossbow, but, uh, that wouldn't help here.
16:40Unless...
16:42Ooh.
16:43No.
16:44A sword?
16:45Are you insane?
16:46You're thinking chop? Mm-mm.
16:48It'll be more of a delicate slice.
16:50No! You're crazy!
16:51Oh, come on.
16:52Do you know how many famous people did crazy things?
16:55I bet deep down inside he feels guilty.
17:04Well, hopefully that guilt will at least lead to a painful ulcer or something.
17:07Hey, do you guys know where I can talk to someone about billing?
17:10Uh, yeah. Down the hall, left-hand side.
17:12Uh, you're not, um, paying for him, right?
17:15No. Dad's insurance should cover most of it, and then we'll use the GoFundMe on the rest.
17:20He's got a GoFundMe?
17:22This guy.
17:24Hey, Bob?
17:25Quick chat before we send you dancing out of here.
17:29We need to talk other options.
17:31What options?
17:33Well, you're not gonna love them.
17:34Dr. Bruce, wait!
17:35We have a ring cutter. You can stop the amputation.
17:38Wait, that was on the table?
17:40Yeah.
17:41I mean, I said you were gonna love the options.
17:43It's a Christmas miracle.
17:44Actually, while Bruce was sharpening his sword...
17:46Owning his blade.
17:47I checked in again with the fire department and convinced one of the firefighters to brave the storm by himself.
17:51The guy's a hero.
17:52Yeah, Christmas miracle.
17:53And it just goes to show that most guys will go above and beyond when their penis or another man's penis is on the line.
17:58Yeah.
17:59Can we get Bob's family in here, please?
18:05So Bob has something he wants to tell you, and it's something he really needs to get off of his chest, so...
18:11Yeah, we threatened to report him for GoFundMe fraud.
18:14I don't have cancer.
18:17Wait, are you saying that...
18:20Because I'm cancer-free.
18:22No.
18:23Daddy's cured!
18:24No!
18:25I can't believe it!
18:26Bob!
18:27Bob!
18:28Bob!
18:29No!
18:30No!
18:31Bob!
18:32Dr. Ron is right.
18:33There's more.
18:34I want to return the GoFundMe money.
18:37I already spent a little bit of it, but I think I can make a few bets and make that part back.
18:42Okay, everyone, here is what's going on.
18:44And no more special treatment.
18:46I want you all to live your own lives, and I'm going to put in the effort on my part.
18:51Because the truth is, the truth is that I kind of like being around you guys.
18:58Dad, I'm so relieved!
19:01Oh!
19:02Dad?
19:03No.
19:04No, I'm sorry.
19:05No, they...
19:06I'm sorry.
19:07Yeah, we have to leave.
19:08Oh, no, you've got to celebrate with us.
19:09Yeah!
19:10Well, this is kind of a busy time around here for us.
19:13Listen, take care of each other, and Bob, do not waste this gift.
19:17I won't.
19:18Let's go.
19:19Everybody hug me, Grandpa!
19:21Bring it in, everybody!
19:23Grandma's okay!
19:24Music!
19:25Your love lifted me higher than I've ever been lifted before.
19:36Things were tense.
19:37We were creatively blocked.
19:38But then Serena said that a lip sync could have kind of an ironic, normy, cringe kind of
19:45vibe.
19:46I don't know the words even mean anymore.
19:47You know your love, you're not lifted me, keep on lifting me.
19:52I realized I was fighting with my boss.
19:54So I thought it might be smart just to go with Joyce's idea.
19:57I said your love, you're not lifted me, keep on lifting me.
20:03Higher and higher.
20:06You know your love, you're not lifted me, keep on lifting me.
20:11It's kind of fun.
20:12It's Christmas.
20:13So Merry Christmas, Joyce.
20:14I said your love, you're not lifted me, keep on lifting me.
20:19Higher and higher.
20:22I said your love, you're not lifted me.
20:26Higher and higher.
20:27I said your love, you're not lifted me, keep on lifting me.
20:32Higher and higher.
20:36All right.
20:38yes i should have flown there well maybe i can visit some what's that no i'm not dying
20:51funny you should ask but okay look i gotta go love you bud hey how's michael good glad i called
21:01good all right i'll see you tomorrow oh you mean thursday no tomorrow christmas dinner
21:08my place bring something expensive okay twist my arm don't be late
21:14oh god that's okay yeah that wasn't yeah glad we didn't do that all right
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