Comedian Fortune Feimster takes the stage in 'Crushing It', a hilarious stand-up special. She shares humorous anecdotes about her marital experiences, personal growth, and the comedic aspects of daily life. This film offers a relatable and entertaining perspective on everyday challenges and triumphs.
fortune-feimster crushing-it comedy stand-up humor marriage personal-growth 2024
#FortuneFeimster #CrushingIt #ComedySpecial #FullMovie
fortune-feimster crushing-it comedy stand-up humor marriage personal-growth 2024
#FortuneFeimster #CrushingIt #ComedySpecial #FullMovie
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Please welcome Fortune Thiemster.
00:30Oh my goodness, Seattle.
01:00Oh my gosh, thank you guys so much.
01:07This is incredible.
01:08Look at this, keeping it handsome.
01:15I don't want to bum the fellas out right off the bat.
01:18I am taking, you guys.
01:21So keep it in your pants.
01:24Or take it out of your pants.
01:26I don't care.
01:27Just don't hand it to me.
01:28I wouldn't know what to do with it anyway.
01:33It would be like a cat with a cat toy.
01:37I got married to my awesome wife, Jax, in October of 2020.
01:52We're in the middle of the pandemic.
01:54So when it came to our honeymoon, I wanted to go all out.
01:57Jax picked the place.
01:58She wanted to go to the Maldives.
02:00A travel agent planned everything.
02:01I just showed up.
02:03I found out on the plane it takes 24 hours to get there.
02:07Yeah, that's a lot.
02:09I would have been fine with Chuck E. Cheese.
02:11So about 12 hours in this flight, I was like, you know what?
02:15I should learn something about the Maldives.
02:17I don't know anything about this country.
02:19And Jax had brought this little book of fun facts.
02:22So I start reading some fun facts.
02:24It said that the Maldives is in the Indian Ocean.
02:27Great.
02:28It's comprised of 1,200 islands.
02:30Awesome.
02:31I read some more fun facts.
02:33It said, it is illegal to be gay in the Maldives.
02:41I'm like, we're going on our gay honeymoon to a country
02:52where it is illegal to be gay.
02:54So I'm like, ha ha, okay.
02:56Maybe it's an old law.
03:00It's not in practice anymore.
03:02And it said, oh no.
03:03That's what it said in the book.
03:04Oh no.
03:05It is illegal to be gay.
03:10At whatever time you're reading this, it's illegal.
03:13It can lead to eight years in prison.
03:16Yeah.
03:17Lashings.
03:18I don't even know what that is, but I don't want it.
03:21So I'm on the plane looking at my brand new bride with very different eyes.
03:25All the romance has left my body.
03:30Cause here's the problem.
03:33Between the two of us, only one of us can pass for being straight.
03:44And the other one gets called sir every time she walks into a bathroom.
03:49Yeah.
03:50Happened to me at Disneyland.
03:52I was coming out of the bathroom.
03:54I got called sir.
03:55And I didn't know what to say.
03:57So I turned around and I said, it's ma'am.
04:00And then I walked out like this.
04:05I can see how that's confusing.
04:11I was like, all right, I need to look at this itinerary.
04:15It said that 18 hours into this 24 hour flight, we actually have an overnight layover.
04:20And our overnight layover is in Qatar.
04:24Now, I don't know if you guys knew this, but it is more illegal to be gay in Qatar.
04:35It can lead to life in prison, floggings again.
04:40What is this?
04:43We've now landed.
04:44We're walking into the hotel.
04:46I'm panicked.
04:47And Jack says, listen, when you get nervous, you offer up way too much information.
04:54Now is not the time.
04:57So we have one room booked.
04:59We're filling out the paperwork.
05:00And the woman at the front desk asks, one bed or two?
05:06And Jack isn't answering.
05:12And I could find myself shifting.
05:17I'm turning into a pretty little lady.
05:26I said, we'd like two beds.
05:29I'm traveling with my cousin.
05:33We're going to the Maldives.
05:35Our husbands are already there.
05:39They were roommates and fraternity brothers in college.
05:44They just love going on these guy trips and playing golf and smoking cigars.
05:49We're just going to have a little girl time.
05:51We're going to get our nails done and go shopping.
05:54None of that gay shit's going on here.
06:01Jax is like, shut up.
06:04We get our keys.
06:07We run up to the room.
06:08I'm acting like there's cameras inside of the hotel room.
06:12I did, in fact, sleep in that other double bed on the first night of my honeymoon.
06:18I slept in a nightgown, head to toe nightgown.
06:23I don't even know how that got in my bag.
06:25You just land in Qatar and a nightgown appears in your luggage.
06:29I kept having these nightmares that someone would break in the room and put me in handcuffs.
06:36And as they're hauling me off, I look back at Jax and I yell, tell my story, cousin.
06:44Next morning, we run to the plane.
06:47Six hour flight, land in the Maldives.
06:49Then we take an hour puddle jumper to a remote island.
06:51And there's a woman from the resort on the dock holding a bucket of Heineken's for all the passengers.
06:57It's a very fancy place.
07:00Jax goes to reach for these Heineken's and I go,
07:04No!
07:05Lesbian!
07:06Beer!
07:07It's a trap!
07:08I flung it out of her head and ran like a damsel in distress.
07:14I was like, oh my God, what if this island is just full of a bunch of gay booby traps?
07:22What if they offer us free crocs?
07:31How am I gonna turn that down?
07:35I was afraid there would be a granola trail leading to a bottomless pit.
07:40I was like, I'm not gonna be able to swim all week because everybody knows I swim in a triple XL t-shirt with the sleeves cut off and a pair of sweatpants.
07:50It's my lesbian swimsuit.
07:53I just wanna be under the radar.
07:58Normally on your honeymoon you're shouting it from the rooftops.
08:01We get to our bungalow and there's a cake waiting for us that says happy honeymoon.
08:05I was like, ah!
08:06I grabbed it and I threw it in the ocean.
08:08I ate a slice first, I'm not crazy.
08:17We were there for a whole week.
08:19We got one picture together.
08:22Jax and I are standing seven feet apart
08:26with a random family in between us
08:30just both giving a thumbs up.
08:33It was the least romantic trip of our lives.
08:43What a beautiful country.
08:44I highly recommend it to all of you non-gay folks.
08:50I'm learning a lot about marriage.
08:52Communication, very important.
08:55You have to learn how to fight because that is an inevitable part of communication.
08:59Now, if you are in a newer relationship and you wanna figure out how each other handles stress,
09:05you should travel together because traveling is stressful.
09:09It is why Louise drove Thelma off that cliff.
09:17I told you not to eat my snacks.
09:20Now, early on in our relationship, Jax and I, we went to Italy and we landed in Rome
09:26and we had to take a train from Rome to Naples.
09:29Those train stations are so chaotic.
09:31Our train's leaving in 30 minutes.
09:33We don't know where our platform is.
09:35And at the time, Jax was a kindergarten teacher,
09:38so she would talk to me like I was a five-year-old.
09:42She even said at one point, when the hand goes up, the mouth goes shut.
09:47And it works.
09:55So we had to figure out where to go and she bends down.
09:58She goes, hey, are you listening?
10:01Hey.
10:03I'm like, yes.
10:06She said, I want you to stay right here.
10:09Okay?
10:11Stay right here and hold our luggage because you're a little bit stronger than me.
10:15I'm going to go find our platform because I'm a little bit smarter than you.
10:23I was like, you could have ended on the compliment.
10:26She said, whatever you do, do not leave.
10:29I'm like, I got it.
10:30Got it.
10:34She said, did you wash your hands?
10:37Yes.
10:39Let me smell them.
10:40No.
10:41So she leaves.
10:46I'm standing there.
10:47It's so hot.
10:49People are passing by me speaking Italian.
10:51They're like, pizza, pasta, meatball.
10:56Now I'm hungry.
10:58She's been gone forever.
11:00So I start showing people our ticket and someone points me in the right direction.
11:03I'm like, I know Jax told me to stay right here.
11:08But I think I could be more helpful if I go to the train in the air conditioning, put our bags up.
11:13I can start eating biscotti and I'll text her where to go.
11:16So I leave this spot.
11:21Don't you turn on me.
11:27I go to the train, put our bags up.
11:30I start popping biscotti.
11:32And I text Jax where to go.
11:34It's 15 minutes till our train's leaving.
11:35She does not answer.
11:3710 minutes till the train's leaving.
11:38I call her.
11:39She doesn't answer that.
11:40It's now five minutes till her train's leaving.
11:42And I'm like, well, one of us should enjoy this trip.
11:49Three minutes till our train's leaving.
11:51I have one foot on, one foot off.
11:52I'm looking down the platform like, oh my god, oh my god.
11:55I spot Jax.
11:56I wave her down.
11:57And she starts running as hard as she can down this platform.
12:02I'm like, oh my god.
12:03This is so romantic.
12:07I have never had anyone run down a platform for me.
12:12She gets on the train, door shut right behind her.
12:15And I go, reunited and it feels.
12:19And she goes, what the fuck?
12:24Ugh.
12:26That's not part of my rom-com.
12:29Julia Roberts doesn't say, what the fuck?
12:32She says, I have been looking for you for the last 20 minutes.
12:36I said, I texted you.
12:37She said, my phone doesn't work in Europe.
12:39I said, I don't know your phone plan.
12:43Then the entire train shushed us and they pointed at a sign.
12:49It turns out we had accidentally bought a ticket on the quiet car.
12:54I would have never bought a ticket on the quiet car.
12:59Cause I'm like, how we gonna chat?
13:03But now, Jax wants to fight and I'm like, thank god we got tickets on the quiet car.
13:09And she's going in and I go.
13:11And she's going in and I go.
13:15And I sit down so proud of myself thinking I have gotten out of a foot.
13:20We're all going in and I go.
13:22I sit down, so proud of myself, thinking I have gotten out of a fight.
13:45She found a new way to fight.
13:47She goes...
13:49This goes on for like 45 minutes.
14:14We were so exhausted from mime-fighting that we completed two of our exercise rings on our Apple watches.
14:32We both eventually passed out.
14:35Hour and a half later, we woke up in Naples.
14:39Biscotti's rolling down my shirt.
14:41Totally forgot what we were fighting about.
14:44So my advice to all of you new couples is go to bed angry.
14:51I'm telling you, just sleep it off.
14:55It works for bears.
14:56Why can't it work for us?
15:07And if you go to Europe and you take a train, just know one of you is going to mess up.
15:11So I highly recommend you book a ticket on the quiet car.
15:15It could save your relationship.
15:17It is much cheaper than a therapist, and it comes with biscotti.
15:22So that is my advice to you guys.
15:32Now, I never had a serious relationship before Jack.
15:36She's definitely my most serious relationship.
15:39Now, my parents divorced when I was 12, and I don't know how this happened, but I somehow became my mom's husband.
15:46Which is weird, because I have two older brothers, so I don't know why I was the man of the house.
15:57But I had to make sure everything was okay.
16:00I set her alarm clock every night.
16:02As I got older, I became my mom's plus one in social situations.
16:07When I was in college, my mom and I went on trips that were way too romantic for, like, a mother and daughter.
16:12We went to New York City and shared frozen hot chocolate at Serendipity, and we walked arm-in-arm in Central Park.
16:21And when you're single, there's no one to be like, hey, that's weird.
16:24You're on a date with your mom.
16:28When I moved to L.A., she and I went on a Christmas Caribbean cruise together.
16:33Yeah, shared a room.
16:35That's too much time with your mom.
16:36I started dreaming of icebergs.
16:43I said, Mom, why don't you go out there on the ship and try to meet somebody your own age?
16:48She goes, why would I want to meet somebody when I have you?
16:50I'm like, oh, my God.
16:53We are headed for a gray garden situation.
16:58Mom, stop talking to that squirrel.
17:03I got a break at one point from being her husband.
17:05She got a boyfriend.
17:07Yeah, they met in the newspaper in the classified ads.
17:11No pictures.
17:13You just had to like each other's grammar.
17:18But she was a single mom of three kids, and she was a schoolteacher, so she was broke.
17:23And after date one, she was sold on this guy.
17:27She comes home.
17:28She goes, I like him.
17:30He is rich.
17:32I said, how do you know?
17:36Because he told me, oh, okay.
17:39Sure.
17:40She goes, I know from three things.
17:42I said, that's very specific.
17:44She goes, number one, he drives a Mercedes convertible.
17:48That is rich.
17:50I said, yeah, but what year is it?
17:52Because when I was in high school, I drove a BMW, but it was 20 years old, and it was a thick shift, and it would just stall in the middle of intersections, and I would have to Fred Flintstone this car out of the intersection to keep from getting hit.
18:08When I was going down hills, sometimes the brakes would just give out, so I had to pull up the emergency brake in order to come to a complete stop.
18:18And when it rained, dirty rainwater would seep through the sunroof, so I would have to drive with my head tilted to keep from getting pink eye.
18:30I'm just saying, follow-up questions are important.
18:37She said, number two, he has his own tanning bed.
18:42I was like...
18:44Now, for all you youngins out there, tanning beds were all the rage in the 90s.
18:51People were hopping in those things left and right.
18:54It was like the cold plunge of today.
18:56Okay.
19:00Instead of helping with circulation, it could cause cancer.
19:05But, oh, you look great in the winter.
19:09And number three, she was the most impressed with this.
19:13She thought this was the measure of success.
19:16She says, he owns his very own industrial crushed ice machine.
19:25He is rich.
19:27She would go to his house on the weekends and take a cooler and fill it up with crushed ice.
19:39Come home like she was holding a golden bounty.
19:46Crushed ice for a week.
19:48I was like, dinner would be nice, but slushies it is.
19:55Couple years later, they broke up.
19:59My mom was crushed.
20:10Crushed unlike her ice.
20:11She had to go back to that broke ice.
20:15The ice in the trays where you're filling it up with water and you're like...
20:19Trying to put it in the freezer and everything's spilling.
20:22You're like...
20:22Now, I didn't meet Jackson until I was 35.
20:28My mom had gotten very comfortable with me being her husband.
20:32And at 35, she did not think I was in danger of getting took.
20:37So, something happened when I met Jax that I did not expect.
20:44My mom got a little jealous.
20:47Yeah.
20:47I remember if I would buy Jax something like a scarf, my mom would be like, I like scarves.
20:51I'm like, you're not my girlfriend.
20:57Their birthdays are five days apart, which is my nightmare.
21:02I get heart palpitations in February.
21:08I remember early on in my relationship, it was very popular to go on Facebook and profess your love for whoever you were with.
21:14So, Jax's birthday, I go on Facebook.
21:17I'm like, I love you so much.
21:18You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.
21:24I posted like 30 pictures in a collage that took five hours to put together.
21:31Five days later, I call my mom.
21:37Hey, mom, happy birthday.
21:44Are you okay?
21:45I'm fine.
21:48Well, what are you doing?
21:49I'm on Facebook.
21:52I was looking at my messages and I don't see one from you.
21:55And I know your thumbs work because you used them five days ago.
21:57I sent you an edible arrangement.
22:02What is this?
22:04And she was pissed.
22:06So I had to unfriend her.
22:08I don't know if any of you guys have ever had to break up with your mom.
22:22Awkward.
22:25Once Jax and I got married, she had another family she had to deal with.
22:29She'd get a little jealous if I spent more time with Jax's family than my family.
22:33And I was like, well, Jax's mom makes his apple pancakes.
22:39And you just asked me to borrow $500.
22:46It's just different.
22:48It's just different.
22:49But she does love Jax.
22:51She does.
22:52She just thinks that Jax stole her man.
22:55My wife is Jolene.
23:11But I fly home to North Carolina to have some one-on-one time with my parents.
23:17They like that.
23:18I don't know what it is about going to my hometown,
23:21but I immediately revert into a 15-year-old.
23:26I could rent a car.
23:28I am 25.
23:31My mom insists on driving me everywhere,
23:34so now I have to ask her permission to go places.
23:37She has to approve who I hang out with.
23:39It's very weird as an adult.
23:42Even my taste buds revert back to when I was in high school.
23:45Like, when I'm in the South,
23:47I don't want to eat at a Michelin star restaurant.
23:49I don't even trust their tires.
23:50When I'm home, I want to eat fried food,
23:56and I want to eat biscuits.
23:58For the European folks watching,
24:05these biscuits are like your guys's,
24:08but they're fluffier,
24:10and they have eight more sticks of butter.
24:11Now, I love a place back home called Bojangles.
24:17Pretty tasty biscuits,
24:19but the one place that I don't think gets enough credit
24:21is a fast food chain called Hardee's.
24:24Are you guys familiar with Hardee's?
24:26Now, if you don't know Hardee's,
24:29it's owned by Carl's Jr.
24:31Very similar vibes,
24:33but Hardee's is known for their biscuits.
24:36I'd have to fact check this,
24:38but I think it's called Hardee's
24:39because it could clog your heart and your arteries.
24:44But, mm, worth it.
24:48Now, every woman has a biological clock.
24:52Mine is set to know
24:53when fast food chains stop serving breakfast.
25:02And Hardee's ends at 10.30.
25:07Last time I was home,
25:08I overslept because my mom didn't wake me up.
25:13And I woke up in a panic.
25:15I was like, I need some biscuits!
25:17And I looked at my watch.
25:19It said it was 10.15.
25:20I go, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.
25:23I gotta borrow your car.
25:25I gotta go get some biscuits.
25:26She said, well, my car's in the driveway
25:28and it's already running.
25:32Why is your car already running?
25:34Well, I was driving it this morning
25:36and I realized that if I turn it off,
25:37it might not turn back on.
25:40So I left it running in the driveway
25:42for the last hour just in case we need it.
25:45I was like, I don't have time
25:49to get into the nuts and bolts of this.
25:54I guess I'm glad you left it running
25:55in the driveway and not the garage.
26:00I gotta go get my biscuits.
26:02So I threw on my flannel,
26:04got in her car,
26:06and I drive across town to the Hardee's.
26:08It's a small town.
26:09I get to the drive-through at 10.22.
26:11There's a line to the street.
26:12I'm like, oh, my God, everybody wants biscuits.
26:13Now, normally, I would park the car,
26:16run in, get those biscuits,
26:17but I'll remind you that if I turn this car off,
26:19it might not turn back on
26:21and there ain't no Ubers in this tiny-ass town
26:25and y'all know I'm not walking.
26:29So I'm waiting in the line like,
26:30come on, come on, come on.
26:3110.28, I get up to the speaker
26:33and I just yell, biscuits!
26:38You can't waste time.
26:41She accepts the order.
26:43I'm like, yes!
26:43And then that car dies dead as a doornail
26:46right there in the middle of that drive-through line.
26:49I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
26:50She goes, no, you don't want biscuits?
26:52I go, no, no, no, I want biscuits.
26:54I'm in my mom's car,
26:55and my mom's car just died.
26:56She goes, okay, I'll cancel the biscuits.
26:58No, no, no, please.
26:59Don't cancel the biscuits.
27:01Will you just ring them up,
27:02put them up front,
27:03I'll get rid of this car,
27:04I'll come in,
27:05and I'll get those biscuits.
27:07She goes, you've got two minutes.
27:09Bitch!
27:12Bitch!
27:16So I don't know what to do.
27:18I can't walk through the drive-through.
27:20I've tried twice at midnight.
27:21They do not like that.
27:22I don't know how I'm going to get rid of this car,
27:28but you know how a mom gets that mom's strength
27:32when her baby's in trouble,
27:35and she's got to, like,
27:37lift up a bus to save her baby?
27:41Well, all of a sudden,
27:42I got that mom's strength,
27:44but for me, my baby was biscuits.
27:47So I put the car in neutral,
27:50I get out of the car,
27:51and I turn into an American gladiator.
27:55And I start pushing this car inch by inch.
27:58I'm like...
27:59I sound like a feral cat.
28:07These two guys in the truck behind me
28:09get out of their truck to come help me.
28:11All they see are my broad shoulders from behind,
28:14and they go, oh, he's got it.
28:17They got right back in their truck.
28:21I'm T-Rexing this car.
28:26I'm sweating my tits off,
28:28which is even more confusing for those guys.
28:32I'm in the zone.
28:33There's one minute left.
28:34There's parking spaces across the way.
28:36I get to the car one last goosh.
28:38This car starts rolling.
28:39I start sprinting towards the door.
28:42At least I think I'm sprinting.
28:4530 seconds.
28:46I can smell the biscuits.
28:49It's like the Olympics of the South.
28:51All of a sudden, I hear a boom.
28:54I look up.
28:55Everyone in the Hardee's is staring at me.
28:57I had pushed that car so hard,
28:59it rolled through the parking space,
29:01over an embankment, into a ravine.
29:03The hood popped open.
29:05Smoke's billowing out of it.
29:07The alarm's going off.
29:08The trunk popped open.
29:09I'm like, oh, my God.
29:13Biscuits!
29:21Got the biscuits.
29:23Shuffed them in my mouth.
29:25I did it!
29:29I was so proud of myself.
29:32I called my mom to tell her what happened,
29:35and she told me I was grounded.
29:38She said, you are never driving my car again.
29:44I said, ain't nobody driving that car again.
29:50But I got my biscuits.
29:52But honestly, I don't know if my parents should be driving anymore.
30:08They're older now.
30:09They're in their late 70s.
30:11And I don't know, as their kid,
30:12when do I have to have that talk with them
30:15to tell them they can't drive?
30:17Now, I know with my grandmother,
30:18what happened with her is
30:19she was driving one day,
30:21and she was just chatting away,
30:23and then all of a sudden,
30:24she went across four lanes of traffic.
30:28And we said, well, Nana, that's that.
30:35She said, I didn't even realize I was driving.
30:42Yep.
30:44We're going to need those keys.
30:47We're getting closer with my mom.
30:50I can feel it.
30:51We had just bought her a new car.
30:54And she called me up and just very casually said,
30:58hey, I just drove off a cliff.
31:11What?
31:12I was driving, I rounded a curve,
31:17and I drove off a cliff.
31:21I heard you.
31:24I just don't understand what you're telling me.
31:29My car flew through the air.
31:33It landed on a large hill,
31:36and then it rolled down to safety.
31:44Okay, but like, how did this happen?
31:46Mom, were you texting?
31:48No, I wasn't texting.
31:49I wasn't talking.
31:50Nothing.
31:52Okay, well, did another car swerve into your lane?
31:56No, there were no other cars anywhere near me.
31:59Was it bad weather?
32:03Was it raining?
32:03Mm-mm.
32:06It was a beautiful sunny day.
32:09One of the best we've had in a long time.
32:13Was it a sharp curve?
32:15Nope.
32:15It was a very normal, very approachable curve.
32:21I said, you didn't do this on purpose, did you?
32:24No, I had just watched a pickleball tournament.
32:27I have a lot to live for.
32:33She said, I just strove off a cliff.
32:39And then she said,
32:41one of the greatest things I have ever heard.
32:45She said, it was bound to happen one of these days.
32:51What?
32:54Well, Ginger, that's that.
33:01We're going to need those keys.
33:18Now, my mom has always been quirky, for sure.
33:22But it is getting worse with age.
33:24Like, I truly never know what is going to be
33:28on the other end of any given phone call.
33:31She called me last year, and she goes,
33:33hey, I just want to start by saying I'm okay.
33:40I'm like...
33:41Jax was like, I'm going in the other room.
33:45This is going to be a while.
33:46Well, she said, well, it had just finished raining,
33:53and I decided to drive to the cemetery to check on our family plot.
34:01I was like, normally that's the one place you don't have to worry about.
34:06Well, you would think.
34:07But it's a good thing I drove down there,
34:10because when I pulled up, I noticed a fresh mound of dirt on our family plot.
34:16So I got out of the car to get a closer look,
34:19and as I'm walking, I realized that some stranger had been buried in our family plot.
34:26I was like, oh, I did not see that coming, for sure.
34:29She said, I walked closer to see whose name was on the marker,
34:36and when I got over there, all of a sudden, my foot fell through the grave.
34:42I panicked.
34:44I panicked, because I realized that my foot was about to touch the casket.
34:51I could not bear the thought of that.
34:54So I jerked my foot out of that grave,
34:57and when that happened, I fell on the ground.
35:01Well, while I was on the ground,
35:04I realized I have fallen, and I can't get up.
35:11I'm like, oh my God, we have reached the life alert stage.
35:17It's worse than I thought.
35:19She said, I didn't have my phone on me.
35:21I wasn't expecting to get out of the car.
35:23I couldn't get up.
35:24I didn't know what to do,
35:26so I started to crawl across the cemetery.
35:35Why are you crawling across the cemetery?
35:39Well, I thought I could crawl across the cemetery,
35:41I could go over to the curb,
35:43I could sit on the curb,
35:44and from there, I could hoist myself up.
35:48Well, when I got to the curb,
35:49I could not hoist myself up,
35:52so I just sat there.
35:54Well, apparently, while this was happening,
35:58there was a couple who was driving past the cemetery.
36:04They looked over,
36:06and they saw something covered in dirt
36:11crawling across the cemetery.
36:15And they thought, hmm, I wonder what that is.
36:23Let's go check.
36:26I said, there is no world in which I am driving past the cemetery.
36:35She said, well, they pulled in the cemetery,
36:48and I'm like, hmm, I wonder what that is.
36:52Let's go check.
36:54That ain't happening.
36:56She said, well, they pulled in the cemetery,
37:01and when they pulled up to me,
37:03it turned out they were older than me.
37:08They couldn't help me up,
37:10so I asked to borrow their phone.
37:13I said, oh, to call a friend?
37:15No, I called the fire department.
37:19Why?
37:20You were not a cat in a tree.
37:21She said, hello, this is Ginger Feimster,
37:26Fortune Feimster's mother.
37:28Do not bring me into this.
37:35I am in the cemetery,
37:37and I have fallen,
37:40and I can't get up.
37:43Can you please send someone to come get me up,
37:49but whatever you do,
37:51do not drive that large fire truck.
37:54That would be so embarrassing.
37:58And they said, ma'am,
37:59that is our only mode of transportation.
38:02She said, so all of a sudden,
38:04here came this large fire truck
38:06barreling through the cemetery,
38:08and then five firemen in full gear
38:11got out of the truck.
38:12I'm like, oh, my God.
38:15These poor firemen,
38:16they're just trying to eat a spaghetti dinner.
38:20The alarm rings,
38:21and they're like, let's go save some lives.
38:24They put on 300 pounds of gear.
38:27They get in their fire truck.
38:29They race across town,
38:31risking their lives.
38:32They pull into the cemetery,
38:34and it's just an old woman
38:36on a curb going,
38:37She said, one of them got behind me
38:51and just went, boop,
38:52and got me right up.
38:56So that was my day.
38:58I had one foot in the grave.
39:15That is my mother, Ginger Famster.
39:19So, of course, you can imagine,
39:21when I met Jack,
39:22she was like,
39:22what of that is in your DNA?
39:24I'm like, won't it be fun to find out?
39:30No, I'm quirky, too.
39:31I'm definitely very quirky,
39:32but I've learned to channel it
39:34into my performances.
39:36Now, I've actually been doing this
39:38a lot longer than people realize.
39:39I was not in, like, theater in school.
39:42I was too busy lezzing out
39:43on the softball field.
39:44But I actually got my start
39:51with performing at church,
39:53which is not usually
39:54where you think of the arts.
39:57But my very first musical ever
39:59was about Jonah and the whale,
40:01and no, I was not the whale,
40:03you assholes.
40:06I was a sailor.
40:08It was a very progressive,
40:09United Methodist church.
40:11I had to throw Jonah overboard
40:13for disobeying God.
40:15It was a lot of pressure, you know?
40:17My grandma's on the fourth pew.
40:18The Lord's watching.
40:20I didn't want to go to church
40:22unless I knew it was show day.
40:23And then I was like,
40:24Anna 5, 6, 7, 8.
40:29I brought a baton to church once
40:31and just started twirling it
40:34in front of the congregation.
40:36But I was like,
40:36I need to tie this in.
40:38So I just started saying
40:40books of the Bible.
40:41I was like,
40:42Deuteronomy,
40:42Genesis,
40:45Thessalonians,
40:46Corinthians,
40:48Joe.
40:58I was a star pupil.
41:00I was even in the kids' choir.
41:02I got all of the solos
41:04until my nemesis moved into town,
41:07Becky fucking Johnson.
41:08We were 12 years old.
41:14All the boys thought
41:15she was so cute and pretty
41:16and had the best personality,
41:18and I thought she was a real bitch.
41:22She made my life hell.
41:25She was cute, though.
41:28But she challenged me
41:30to the solo,
41:31and the choir director
41:33told the boys in our group
41:34that they could pick the winner.
41:38So I decided
41:40I was going to watch
41:41the adult choir,
41:42and I would just emulate
41:43the women from the adult choir,
41:45not realizing that I'm 12,
41:47and they're 70-year-old
41:48former opera singers.
41:50So my very first audition,
41:56I sang this.
41:57Oh, Lord, my God,
42:03when I in awesome wonder
42:09consider all
42:14Thy works
42:16Thy hands
42:17have made
42:21A freaking shoe-in.
42:35And then Becky fucking Johnson
42:38pulled out a boob,
42:40got the part.
42:44That's where I learned
42:46that this business
42:47is cutthroat, baby.
42:48Even at church.
42:51The competition
42:52continued
42:53into the kids'
42:54handbell choir.
42:55Ooh, it was very competitive.
42:56We practiced
42:57every Wednesday night
42:58for three hours.
42:59No school credit,
43:00no snacks,
43:01no bathroom breaks.
43:03One kid shit his pants
43:04and had to keep ringing
43:07like nothing happened.
43:08We're all smelling
43:25Is this worth it?
43:33Well, we hung in there
43:38because once every three months
43:39we got to have
43:39a big performance
43:40in front of the entire congregation.
43:43Now, they would line
43:44these bells up
43:44in order of size.
43:46The smallest up here,
43:47the biggest down here.
43:49Nobody wanted anything
43:50to do with these bells.
43:51This was the melody.
43:53These were the bass bells.
43:54It was like playing the tuba.
43:56The tuba sounds like
43:57you're playing farts.
43:59Blah!
43:59Gross!
44:00But our choir director
44:03would only let
44:03the little skinny pretty girls
44:04like Becky fucking Johnson
44:05play these bells.
44:09You know, I developed
44:09before everybody.
44:11I was very tall.
44:11My voice got deeper.
44:13My hair was in a
44:14slick back greasy ponytail.
44:16I was rocking kitten heels.
44:22And one Sunday
44:23I decided to shoot my shot.
44:25I said, hey,
44:27I'd like to get in
44:28on these bells down here.
44:30I've been playing goalie
44:33and I'm ready to get in
44:35on the field, coach.
44:37I got big hands.
44:39I can actually hold
44:40two of these bells
44:40with each hand.
44:41Watch.
44:47He was like,
44:47don't do that.
44:51So, am I in or out?
44:54He said,
44:54your bell's down there.
44:55I'm like,
44:55so I did the walk of shame
44:59to this end of the table.
45:01My grandma was looking at me
45:02like, what the fuck?
45:05You can cuss
45:06when you're a Methodist.
45:08So we start playing
45:10our big song.
45:11They're playing everything.
45:12I'm just standing here
45:13waiting.
45:14I'm in my sister-wife dress.
45:16looking like a human napkin.
45:23And who's down there
45:25playing the entire song
45:27getting all the glory of God?
45:30Becky
45:30fucking
45:31Johnson.
45:32I am so bored
45:40just waiting to play
45:41one note.
45:42I start smoking a cigarette.
45:45Drinking coffee.
45:48Finally,
45:48we get to the end
45:49of the song
45:50and I get to pick up
45:51my big ass bell.
45:57I'm like,
45:57here we go.
45:58I get to play
45:59the very last note.
46:01I go,
46:03I'm like,
46:09that's it?
46:10My grandma's like,
46:11that's it?
46:13I thought,
46:14oh my God,
46:15I have spent
46:15all this time,
46:17week after week,
46:18hours and hours,
46:19no school credit,
46:20no snack shit
46:21in my face.
46:25I did that
46:26for the Lord.
46:29And all I got
46:30in return
46:30was one
46:32note.
46:34And that's
46:35why I'm gay.
46:35I tried.
46:48I tried.
46:52A few years ago,
46:54I looked to see
46:55what Becky F.
46:56Johnson
46:56was up to.
46:57That's what
47:00I call her
47:01now that I've
47:02matured.
47:04Back then,
47:05she was unhappily
47:06married to a man,
47:07so there is a God.
47:10And I may not
47:12go to church
47:13on Sundays anymore,
47:14but I do have
47:15my own Sunday
47:16morning ritual.
47:16I kind of commit
47:19to this.
47:23I make my...
47:24I make myself a cup
47:36of coffee.
47:37I pull out
47:38my laptop.
47:39I go on Facebook.
47:41I re-friend
47:42my mom.
47:46And I look
47:47to see if
47:48Becky F.
47:49Johnson's life
47:50is still
47:51a living hell.
47:53And all I can
47:54say is,
47:56hallelujah,
47:58hallelujah,
47:59hallelujah,
48:00hallelujah,
48:01hallelujah.
48:02hallelujah.
48:27Oh, that is so petty.
48:30Oh, my God.
48:31I cannot be petty.
48:33No.
48:34I have a lot
48:35to be grateful for,
48:36truly.
48:36I cannot be petty.
48:37I am so grateful
48:39that my life
48:40has unfolded
48:41the way it has.
48:42I could have
48:42never guessed this.
48:44I'm so grateful
48:44that I met Jax.
48:47She's the best.
48:51Jax and I
48:52took our next
48:53big step together.
48:54No, not kids.
48:55Hallah.
48:59We actually
49:00bought a house
49:01together,
49:01which was very
49:02exciting,
49:03very adult
49:04thing to do.
49:07And Jax is
49:08the exact person
49:09you want to do
49:10this kind of
49:11adult decision with.
49:12She's very
49:13responsible.
49:13She asked all
49:14the right questions.
49:15She was like,
49:16you know,
49:16how's the roof?
49:18What's the plumbing
49:19like?
49:20Is there mold?
49:22I'm like,
49:22yeah, yeah, yeah.
49:22Um, and, uh,
49:27are there ghosts?
49:32She looked at me
49:33like, oh, it's crazy.
49:33I'm like, that's a
49:34valid question.
49:37Because when I was
49:37home, I, ghosts
49:39were on my mind.
49:40There's these houses
49:40in my hometown
49:41built in the 1800s,
49:43and a lot of ghost
49:44sightings have
49:45happened there.
49:46I don't know what
49:46it is about ghosts
49:47in the 1800s.
49:49Uh, the 1800s is a
49:50very popular time
49:51for ghosts.
49:53I'm just saying,
49:54you don't see a lot
49:55of ghosts in
49:56Daisy Dukes.
49:56So, people have
50:01been spotting
50:01these ghosts so
50:02much that they've
50:03become very casual
50:04about it in a way
50:05that I'm not used
50:06to.
50:06So, I was having
50:07lunch with my mom
50:08and her friends,
50:09and my mom said,
50:10you know, I went
50:11to the Tate's house
50:11a couple of weeks
50:12ago.
50:13I went upstairs
50:14to use the bathroom,
50:15and when I came
50:16out of the bathroom,
50:16there was Catherine.
50:18I said, who's
50:19Catherine?
50:20She goes, well,
50:20she's dead,
50:22and she's a ghost.
50:25And all of her
50:26friends go, mm-hmm.
50:26She said, everybody
50:29knows that Catherine
50:30grew up in that house.
50:30She lived there
50:31her whole life.
50:32She never got married,
50:32never had kids.
50:33She died in that house,
50:34and then when the
50:35Tate's moved in,
50:36there was Catherine.
50:37She was in the den,
50:38the living room,
50:39the kitchen,
50:39outside of the bathroom.
50:40It's just Catherine.
50:42I said, so Catherine
50:44just comes with the house?
50:46Her friend goes,
50:46yep, I saw her
50:47a couple of weeks ago.
50:48She looked great.
50:53So, hearing about
50:54Catherine made me
50:55think about the house
50:56that I grew up in.
50:57It made me think
50:57about the house
50:58Jackson and I
50:59were looking at.
51:00And it was just
51:01on my mind.
51:01Now, I've never
51:02seen a ghost.
51:03I'm more of an
51:03energy person,
51:04which sounds very L.A.,
51:05to be like,
51:05I'm an empath.
51:08But when I was
51:09growing up in this
51:11house that I grew up in,
51:12it was built in the
51:121800s, it had such a weird
51:15energy to it.
51:16I could never pinpoint
51:18what that was.
51:20I just felt so unsafe
51:22in that house.
51:23I would make my dad
51:24sit outside of my bedroom
51:26until I fell asleep.
51:27And I would catch him
51:28trying to crawl out of the
51:29bedroom, like my mom
51:31in the cemetery.
51:34And I was like,
51:35Dad, I'm scared.
51:36So he didn't sleep for a
51:38year and a half.
51:39And then he and my mom
51:40divorced, I think,
51:42because he just wanted
51:42to take a nap and get
51:43the hell out of the house.
51:45So as my punishment,
51:47I became my mom's
51:48husband.
51:50Now, when I was in
51:51high school, she got
51:52that rich boyfriend I
51:53was telling you about,
51:54and she would go there
51:54on the weekends, and I
51:55would be there by myself,
51:56so scared, I slept with
51:58a knife under my bed.
52:00Not my cake-cutting
52:02knife, a different one.
52:05And here about
52:05Catherine, this all comes
52:07up, and I said, Mom,
52:08you know, the house
52:09that we grew up in,
52:10that house had such
52:11a weird energy.
52:13My mom said, that house
52:14was the most haunted
52:17house I have ever
52:21lived in.
52:26You mean the house
52:27you left me in alone
52:28when I was a teenager?
52:31I had to.
52:32I was scared.
52:35I said, what did you hear?
52:37Well, when I was there,
52:38I would hear footsteps at
52:39night going up and down
52:40the stairs.
52:41You and your brothers
52:41were asleep.
52:42I would hear door slams,
52:44screams.
52:44That thing was evil.
52:47You should have told me.
52:49I would have gone to my
52:50grandmother's house.
52:51Your grandmother's house
52:52was the second most
52:53haunted house I have ever
52:55been in.
52:56Your grandfather has been
52:58floating around there
52:58since 1963.
53:00But whatever was in our
53:05house was so evil that I
53:06said to it one night,
53:07if you do not leave,
53:09I'm going to call the
53:10Duke University Paranormal
53:11Department.
53:13I don't know if that's an
53:14Ivy League Ghostbusters or
53:16what that is.
53:18She said, but I did not
53:19want to fool with it.
53:20I decided to put our house
53:22on the market.
53:23And then she started
53:23whispering, but I did not
53:25disclose that there was a
53:28ghost and that house has
53:30been sold every five years
53:32ever since.
53:34So I believe evil still
53:36lurks within.
53:40Now, a couple of months
53:41ago, I was in Chicago for a
53:43show and the night before I
53:44was leaving a restaurant and
53:46this man stops me and he
53:48goes, I have something weird
53:49to ask you.
53:51I said, oh man, I am about
53:54to touch a wiener.
54:12He said, I think my good
54:14friend lived in your
54:15childhood home.
54:16And he asked me the
54:17address.
54:18I said, that is my
54:19childhood home.
54:20I said, can I ask you a
54:22weird question?
54:23I said, did your friend ever
54:24say if that house was
54:25haunted?
54:26He said, my friend said
54:27that was the most haunted
54:28house he's ever lived in
54:29in his entire life.
54:31And he and his family moved
54:32out after six years.
54:34So evil does lurk within.
54:37That's why I'm saying, if
54:39you're buying a house, do
54:40not be afraid to ask about
54:42ghosts.
54:44And if the disclosures say
54:45the roof is from 1996,
54:47there's new plumbing, oh,
54:49and Catherine will join you at
54:51the table, don't buy that
54:54house.
54:56But I'm happy to say that
54:58Jackson and I have been in
54:59this house now for over a
55:01year.
55:01And so far, no ghost.
55:04So I'm very excited about
55:06that.
55:07You guys, you guys really
55:08get me.
55:10But there is one thing that I
55:12wanted to do in this house.
55:15Now, in this journey to where
55:17I'm at now, it's been about
55:1821 years in Los Angeles.
55:20And it took me a really long
55:22time to get traction, to
55:25work, to be successful.
55:27And during that time of
55:28working hard and not getting
55:29anywhere, I would daydream
55:31about one day if I'm lucky
55:33enough to work, to make money,
55:36to buy a home, there is
55:38something I am going to put in
55:41that house.
55:41And that will be this symbol of
55:44success.
55:44And I didn't know where this
55:47idea came from.
55:50But I will tell you guys that
55:53six months ago, I installed my
55:57very own industrial crushed
56:01ice machine.
56:07I made it, baby.
56:09The only problem is that now
56:17my mom wants to move in with
56:19us, which would, in fact, make
56:22our house haunted.
56:25I said, why don't you just come
56:27over for slushies instead?
56:30She goes, well, I think at the
56:31very least that we should, in
56:34February, for mine and Jack's
56:36birthday, the three of us should
56:40go on a cruise, you pay.
56:46I said, mom, I love you, but I
56:49would rather go back to the
56:51Maldives wearing Crocs, rainbow
56:55shorts, and a cut-off tee that
56:59just says dyke.
57:01That ain't happening.
57:06Thank you guys so much.
57:08Thank you for being here.
57:12Seattle, you're the best.
57:13Congratulations, Jesus!
57:31Houston on record.
57:32Have a great Konami.
57:35That ain't happening.
57:39Peace, yeh!
57:40We will be right back.
57:41Take care of you.
57:42Someone wanted to know how you feel about my current material involving you.
58:08I've been your material for a long time.
58:12And I haven't gotten any revenue.
58:42I've been your material for a long time.
58:50You
Be the first to comment