- 2 months ago
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00:00you you you are changing yourself for this yes do you even know who you are anymore i mean what
00:07is left you wanted to mess all of this up you're the one who invited our third to move in with us
00:13during a adoption temporarily you wanted this to blow up and you wanted it to be my fault
00:18admit it you're believed you don't have to start a family with me right because my life would be a
00:23lot easier if i wasn't married to a total up you're right i'm a up my sister's a up my dad was a
00:31up my whole family is up they probably didn't reject us because we're gay they probably rejected
00:37us because i am broken right your mom is right you're perfect and we should probably just back
00:43this in no i bet the only thing your mom hates more than gay marriage is gay divorce
00:48do you noah guillory take this man to be your lawfully married husband to happen to hold for
00:58better for worse for as long as you both shall live i do and do you daniel charles take this man
01:07to be your lawfully married husband for better for worse for as long as you both shall live i do
01:13well by the power vested in me by the internet i now pronounce y'all husband
01:18this
01:19mary
01:24welcome back to reality
01:52how was the honeymoon actually we uh we haven't gone on our honeymoon yet we're waiting until after
01:57i graduate oh i assumed you were gone because i didn't hear from you all summer
02:02well i was busy finishing the draft
02:05what'd you think i mean it's certainly entertaining but it's not a dissertation
02:11so you don't think i'll be able to defend this quarter absolutely not no period full stop you bring
02:18this to the committee and they're gonna gut you like a fish professor cavallero is gonna cut
02:21your groin to gizzard splay your body open and take your bones out go back to your proposal stay
02:25on topic and do your research i wrote that proposal years ago and i hate it so do i that's why we're
02:33still working and i'm out of funding trust me i am keenly aware that this is your ninth year with us
02:38and only one of your students last year got a tenure track job and that job was at a community college in north dakota
02:44academia is a wasteland right now because your generation refuses to retire or die
02:49and honestly sometimes i wonder if you're a vampire
02:51so give up you're a terrible student a mediocre writer and that earring is ridiculous
02:58at your age
03:00or keep trying
03:04somewhere other than this room
03:08okay
03:10thanks for the pep talk it's really inspiring
03:14you're welcome
03:21hey sis how'd it go bro
03:33it's f***ing awful
03:35basically i drove two hours to los angeles and back for a 20-minute meeting where she told me that i had to start over again
03:41again oh do you want me to kill her
03:44burn her she might come back
03:46i love you
03:47love you more
03:48just give it a give it a give it a give it away
03:52i wanna go wanna go out with a bang
03:56if the world is any way
04:04yeah
04:05yeah
04:09yeah
04:10hey
04:12hey
04:13yeah
04:28yeah
04:29hi good news still not pregnant but i am fertile hey see the tile came
04:41and it's wrong yeah this is eggshell not oyster well let's burn the house down and collect the
04:51insurance money deal did you get any work done today i've been conceptualizing uh-huh yeah no
04:58what i meant was did you get any work done on the house i waited for the tile guy
05:02why don't you just get in here already
05:06this is very xena and gabrielle
05:22oh let's get a picture
05:26or we could just exist in this present moment and enjoy it okay well i can enjoy this moment
05:34and still want a picture to remind myself of how much i enjoyed it let's go
05:39okay one more okay you got it one more one more anything for the warrior princess that's right
05:48i just hate the internet i want nothing to do with the lesbian industrial complex well who does
05:57can you text your brother and let him know that i am ovulating oh absolutely yeah and also remind
06:08him not to be 30 minutes late for brunch this time oh my god let's get you knocked up
06:12are we gonna talk about the earring i'm having a quarter-life crisis quarter-life i'm no math major but if that's a quarter-life crisis you're gonna have to live to be like 137 what's really going on girl
06:19it's been a rough year yeah but i thought you liked it rough not this rough is this still about this college thing i didn't go to college i didn't even graduate high school and i'm your boss
06:34you're not in my boss
06:35you're not in my boss
06:37slowdown betty ford Wieder-עם- verify-tual, legendary ford
06:41okay there it's been a tough year
06:46hey but i thought your liked it ruff
06:48not this rough
06:49this is still about this college thing
06:50i didn't go to college
06:51i didn't even graduate high school and i'm your boss
06:53you're not my boss
06:55slowdown betty ford
06:56in gay culture drag queens outrank slutty bartenders
06:58especially when they're dressed like high schoolers
06:59put
07:00i'm a jock
07:00shut up
07:01will you be my drag mom
07:01why she
07:02Hey, are you?
07:03We're closed.
07:04Come back at four.
07:06Ooh, you're inside me.
07:09Whichever.
07:10Are you Arthur?
07:11I'm here for the audition.
07:16You're hired.
07:19Wow, that was easy.
07:21Usually some creepy old man wants a lap dance in the walk-in freezer.
07:24Yeah, I'm tucked, so we're not gonna do all that.
07:26I don't wanna get canceled again either.
07:28You start tonight, go-go boy.
07:29There's a box of stuff in the lost and found.
07:31You can just pull something slutty out of there, all right?
07:33Hi, I'm Adam, by the way.
07:35No.
07:36Not paying you for lingering eye contact.
07:38You're a go-go boy, so go.
07:40Go, scram.
07:41Scram!
07:42Get out of here, gone girl.
07:43Get out.
07:44Use the Febreze, it's by the ice machine.
07:46On the box at 430.
07:48And make sure it's like half chubbed.
07:50Some of these seniors still got their vision.
07:52No texting at work.
07:54Hey.
07:56What's up?
07:57No kissing at work either.
07:58It reminds everybody that they're single and sad.
08:00Right, Dan?
08:01Hey.
08:02Can I take my break now?
08:03Can I watch?
08:04Yeah.
08:05If you subscribe.
08:06You better send me a free trial link, bitch.
08:08I'm not subscribing to sh**.
08:09I know what to tell you today.
08:10All right, so break it down for me.
08:12What did she say exactly?
08:14Basically, I'm f*****.
08:16I have to start over completely.
08:18So another year?
08:19Probably.
08:20I don't know if I can do it.
08:25So don't.
08:29You said yourself there's no jobs in academia.
08:31I mean, hey, who cares about a PhD?
08:33You can teach high school with your masters.
08:35High school.
08:36I mean, what's the difference between teaching AP English to 18-year-olds and comp to 19-year-olds?
08:40My mother won't be ashamed of me.
08:42No, your mother will always be ashamed of you.
08:44To Carolyn Guillory.
08:45Maybe grandkids would tire her out.
08:49That's unlikely.
08:50You know Margot isn't going to let her indoctrinate them.
08:52I was talking about us.
08:53If we have kids, we're not going to let her indoctrinate them either.
08:55If we have kids?
08:56When we have kids.
08:57And when's that going to be?
08:58When I finish school.
09:00If you finish school?
09:01Can we please not have this conversation right now?
09:03It kind of feels like the perfect time to have this conversation.
09:06Just to be done with school.
09:07Let's start a f*****ing family.
09:09I'll think about it.
09:10All right.
09:11Right now I'm thinking about getting the new guy's number.
09:14Adam.
09:15Yeah, I met him at the gym this morning.
09:17He's a personal trainer or escort.
09:19It's kind of hard to tell the difference out here,
09:21but he is free after his shift.
09:23How'd he do it?
09:24Let's go swagger, baby.
09:27Hey, boys.
09:44Holy s*****.
09:45Nine years?
09:46Seriously?
09:47Uh-huh.
09:48How did you guys meet?
09:49We met at school.
09:50Yeah, in the library.
09:51Yeah.
09:52Dan was trying to study and I was trying to get his attention.
09:53Yeah, he cornered me in the stacks and that's if I was gay.
09:55See, Dan wasn't out, but he did let me go down on him, so I guess, right?
09:59I mean, how did you end up out here?
10:01Um, we bought this place a few years ago as an investment, before the market went crazy.
10:06But, um, after the pandemic hit, we had to choose between this place and our apartment and our life.
10:10Yeah.
10:11And I was unemployed for a year, so.
10:12No, the same.
10:13I mean, that's when I started my OnlyFans.
10:16I thought I recognized you.
10:18Yes.
10:19I mean, you do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life, right?
10:21Yeah.
10:22Is that what it is?
10:23Well, the American dream.
10:24You guys are really living it.
10:26Yeah.
10:27As a gay black man, I gotta say I'm pretty proud to own a piece of this s**t.
10:30I love Palm Springs.
10:31That's true.
10:32Obviously.
10:33Oh, and Joshua dreaming.
10:34Yeah.
10:35That's where my sister is.
10:36We got married there.
10:37Nice.
10:38I love married guys.
10:40Dude.
10:43You couldn't tell?
10:44Uh, so what about you?
10:46What's your story?
10:47Where are you from?
10:48Different places.
10:49Okay.
10:50No mean alone.
10:51Literally, I am no mean alone.
10:53I drove down from Vegas last year for a white party and I basically never left.
10:58Okay.
10:59Dancing?
11:00Doing your personal training day?
11:02Yeah, amongst other things.
11:04You know, I'm a man of many talents.
11:14Things are easy to have.
11:17I don't call you.
11:19Wooooow.
11:30Sorry, Mom.
11:33Good.
11:34Stay hydrated.
11:35Oh my god, mom, are you f***ing kidding me?
11:45Okay, f***.
11:46Who raised you?
11:47You did.
11:48The woman who seriously just suggested I leave my partner of three years to come keep her
11:52company.
11:53Well, just for a while.
11:54Mama, you're just lonely.
11:56Of course I'm f***ing lonely!
11:58Because you moved out to BFE.
12:00What?
12:01Where?
12:02Buttf***ing Egypt.
12:03You know what I'm saying?
12:04Like an actual idiom that people use to denote the actual middle of nowhere except you actually
12:08moved to Egypt, Texas.
12:10Because your grandma Dottie got sick and I don't abandon people when they get sick.
12:15I did not abandon you when you needed me, so are you gonna abandon me now?
12:19Mama, you're not sick.
12:23You're right.
12:24I reckon I'll spend the rest of my life just looking after everybody else.
12:29How are you?
12:31No really, how are you?
12:32I told you I'm fine.
12:34You taking your meds?
12:35Every day.
12:36You know, I actually have to go.
12:37Noah and Dan are coming over for brunch.
12:39Just remember you all aren't supposed to be drinking.
12:42Bye, Mama.
12:43Gotta go.
12:45How was that?
12:47Oh, you know, just the same conversation we have every week.
12:51And now she's calling me.
12:54Jesus Christ.
12:55Hi, Carolyn.
12:56No, haven't seen her.
12:57Thanks, guys.
12:58That was fun.
12:59Glad you came over.
13:00Me too.
13:01Should we do it again?
13:02Definitely.
13:03See you around.
13:04Definitely.
13:05What?
13:06I thought we said no repeat offenders.
13:07I didn't know that was against the rules.
13:08I gotta read the fine print.
13:09Why is this gonna kill me?
13:10Why?
13:11I'm not supposed to even when she's ovulating.
13:12Oh, right.
13:13Yeah, that's pretty inconvenient for me.
13:14You have plenty of fun when I'm out of commission.
13:16But no repeat offenders.
13:17Right.
13:18You have kids?
13:19What?
13:20I didn't know that was against the rules.
13:21I didn't know that was against the rules.
13:22I gotta read the fine print.
13:23Why is this gonna kill me?
13:24Why?
13:25Why?
13:26Why?
13:27I'm not supposed to even when she's ovulating.
13:28Oh, right.
13:29Yeah.
13:30That's pretty inconvenient for me.
13:31You have plenty of fun when I'm out of commission.
13:36But no repeat offenders.
13:37Right.
13:39But no repeat offenders.
13:42Right.
13:45Well, kids, do we have to stop being sluts?
13:49When we have kids, we can do whatever the we want.
13:53I'm so glad we're gay.
13:59Go get ready, or we're going to be late.
14:01All right.
14:09Go get ready.
14:39I can't give you nothing, Dave.
14:40I just can't get my...
14:42I'm running up.
14:44Got me so addicted to your...
14:45Noah, finish up?
14:47We're late.
14:47Just a second.
14:49Higher, higher.
14:51The only one.
14:53You got me so addicted to your...
14:56Higher, love.
14:58Higher, higher.
15:00Like a fire.
15:03I feel it brushing through my veins.
15:05They're going to be here any minute.
15:07Put on some pants.
15:08Ew, why?
15:09Put on some pants.
15:11I don't know.
15:12You hear the Jeep?
15:14Marco, put on some pants.
15:15No!
15:17Yay!
15:18Hey!
15:19Hi!
15:19Where are you?
15:20What's this?
15:21Oh, thank you, thank you.
15:22Yeah, yeah.
15:25What's going on?
15:27Yay!
15:29Okay, and then the...
15:30Right, okay.
15:32I love seeing how the sausage gets made.
15:34Oh, yes.
15:35Cheers.
15:36Cheers.
15:36Cheers, cheers.
15:37To babies making babies.
15:38To babies making babies.
15:39There we go.
15:40Thank you, baby.
15:41That's good.
15:42Okay, so what are our two favorite gay boys up to these days?
15:44So...
15:45Wyatt!
15:46We had a threesome.
15:50Congratulations.
15:50Thank you, thank you.
15:51With our trainer.
15:52Yeah.
15:52Boom!
15:53Wow.
15:55Majorly mask for mask, you guys.
15:56Mask for mascara, maybe.
15:58Yeah.
15:59You had a threesome with, like, a muscle man from your gym?
16:02Yes.
16:02Yes, show us a picture.
16:03No offense, guys.
16:04I just want a baby, not an STD.
16:07Oh.
16:08Um...
16:08I don't know if you've seen a baby with herpes, but they don't have immune systems yet.
16:11Like, their whole bodies, head to toe, are covered in sores.
16:14Their eyes are literally swollen shut.
16:18That's a really vivid picture.
16:19Mm-hmm.
16:19Look, we fully understand your concern, and I just want to reassure you that we use protection,
16:25and we're also on prep.
16:26Yeah.
16:26Last night was an unusual, once-in-a-while sort of event, okay?
16:30Uh-huh.
16:31Although there's nothing wrong with doing it every night.
16:33If that is your thing, you should read The Ethical Sled.
16:35Oh, my God, I love that book so much.
16:37Don't you have my coffee?
16:38Don't you have your coffee?
16:40Look, it won't happen again.
16:42It's probably gonna happen again.
16:43It's probably gonna happen again.
16:44I thought you guys had a no-recurring guest star rule, so...
16:46We did, but last night was actually insane.
16:48And look, if it happens again, which it will...
16:51It's okay.
16:52We will get tested before we hand over a fresh batch.
16:56I promise you that.
16:57I appreciate that.
16:58And I'm sure that today's batch is totally fine.
17:02Yes.
17:02There's no sense in wasting good sperm, right?
17:03Oh, sperm is a terrible thing to waste.
17:05In Genesis, Judah tells Onan to get his brother's wife pregnant,
17:09but Onan doesn't want to.
17:10So, he shoots it on the ground.
17:12And what he did was wicked in the sight of the Lord,
17:15and God put him to death.
17:17Which means wasting semen is technically a capital offense,
17:20so swallow, ladies.
17:23Are you working on your dissertation?
17:26Sort of.
17:26I have had to rewrite my proposal now so many f***ing times
17:29that I have no idea what it is about.
17:31I think my advisor is trying to get me to kill myself.
17:32Which is why Noah is considering leaving the program.
17:40Yeah.
17:41What?
17:42No.
17:43Noah!
17:44Maybe, maybe not.
17:45But you love it.
17:46Don't let some stuffy old f***ing take that away from you.
17:49What?
17:49Seriously, Margo.
17:50I'm a feminist, so I can say it.
17:52No, but look at me.
17:53What's going on?
17:54I love to write, and I love to teach,
17:57and I can do both of those things without a Ph.D.
17:59Yeah, that's true.
18:00Yeah, of course you can,
18:01but you've wanted this since we were little, Professor Guillory.
18:06Margo, what are you working on?
18:08Yeah.
18:08I have a new multimedia piece in development,
18:11but I don't really know what it's about yet.
18:12I was thinking maybe I'd start a Kickstarter to get it all.
18:15No, please, do not.
18:17Do another Kickstarter.
18:18You're not getting it.
18:19I won't do it.
18:20I don't have $25.
18:21I won't do it.
18:23Well, what about the mirror installation?
18:26Yeah.
18:26Oh, no, we don't talk about the mirror installation.
18:29Well, actually, Margo brought up the mirror installation to me last week.
18:32Oh, did she?
18:33Yeah.
18:34Barely, like a passing theme thought.
18:36I'm just saying it sounds really cool.
18:38Thank you so much.
18:39To the flailing galleries.
18:40To the flailing galleries.
18:42Flailing.
18:42Flailing, yes, you know,
18:44like our arms are going like this,
18:45as if we're drowning.
18:47Thank you guys for coming over.
18:49Bye.
18:50Bye.
18:51Bye.
18:52Love you.
18:54Babe, um, what?
18:57I thought that we talked about
18:59not talking about your mirror installation.
19:01Right.
19:01I forgot that that was the first rule of my mirror installation.
19:05We spent $3,000 on that over a year ago.
19:08Yes, which is why it would be such a shame to give it up.
19:12Okay, fine.
19:13Yeah.
19:14Can you just please talk to Noah
19:16about signing a paternity agreement?
19:18I know that he's your brother and everything,
19:19but I've heard these horror stories,
19:20and I just...
19:21Look, you do not need to worry about Noah, okay?
19:24And you do not need to worry about me either.
19:32Are you taking your meds?
19:33Yeah, I am.
19:40Every f***ing day.
19:41Margo, come on, it's f***ing you.
19:42Question.
19:55Margo.
19:57Am I still in her house arrest?
19:58I've been f***ing fine for a month.
20:00Margo, unlock the door.
20:03Margo!
20:04Margo!
20:04Yeah, you're obviously fine.
20:28And what she did was wicked in the sight of the Lord.
20:31You see this article Eliza sent?
20:38Herpes and your newborn, five things you need to know?
20:41Oh, s***, it says it's fatal.
20:43Uh-huh.
20:44You know what I'm not about to do?
20:46Allow Eliza to infect us by paranoia.
20:51That woman's a real piece of work.
20:52You know I love Margo, but since this is barely keeping it together, we're going to end up raising this herpes baby.
21:03That's not fair.
21:04What's not fair was you signing us up for this without talking to me?
21:07I absolutely talked to you.
21:08After you said yes.
21:10What was I supposed to do?
21:11What was I supposed to do?
21:12Talk to me first.
21:13My sister asked me if I would be the donor to her girlfriend.
21:21How am I supposed to say no to that?
21:24Say, this doesn't fit into the life that I'm building with my husband.
21:28That's what you say.
21:30I've been trying to go along with this, but if I'm being honest, you know I want to be a dad, not a gunkle.
21:37I don't say gunkle.
21:47I hate it.
21:49Gunkle.
21:53If you really don't want to do this, I'll tell Eliza they're on their own for sperm next month.
22:02I really don't want to do this.
22:07You know, sometimes I think that you use school as an excuse not to talk about a future with me.
22:15Okay.
22:17So let's talk about it.
22:19I drop out and we adopt a kid and then I spend the next two years, what, changing diapers and having dinner ready for you at six?
22:29I mean, I need to be independent.
22:31I need something of my own.
22:33I mean, what if we...
22:37What?
22:39Break up?
22:42You're going to leave me.
22:43Babe, I'm not going to leave you.
22:45You are.
22:45You're going to leave me.
22:47I love you so much that I actually want to start a family with you.
22:51Nine years we've been together and you never once brought up kids and then we get married and suddenly it's all you can talk about.
22:57It seems like a natural progression.
23:00What if it's not what I want?
23:07Maybe we want different things.
23:13I know.
23:13No matter what.
23:19I want you.
23:22And I want you too.
23:24But I also know that this is the right path for me.
23:31Okay.
23:35Then I'm going to follow you.
23:37But I'm not dropping out of school.
23:49We should probably cool it with the extramarital sex for a minute.
23:52Yeah.
23:54Adam did text me, though.
23:57Yeah, he texted me, too.
24:02Hi, Eliza.
24:03How are you?
24:03Good.
24:04Thanks for coming in.
24:05Uh, not a problem.
24:07Will Margo be joining us?
24:10Not today.
24:13Oh.
24:15I know we've been trying this for six months, but I'm not sure this is the right course for me anymore.
24:23I recall you considering putting things on hold after Margo's.
24:27Oh.
24:27You know, I think it's time we explore some other options, like fertility, treatments, and an anonymous donor.
24:40Fortunately, that won't be necessary.
24:42Why would you say that?
24:44Your blood work just came back.
24:45Looks like you're pregnant.
24:45Congratulations.
24:47What?
24:48Congratulations!
24:49Congratulations!
24:49What?
24:50Congratulations?
24:51Congratulations?
24:53If the world isn't getting here, they can't work.
24:58I don't know.
24:59If the world isn't getting anywhere.
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