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[Hot 2025🔥]Brassic Season 7 Episode 2
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00:00This programme contains very strong language, adult humour and adult themes.
00:16Fucking stare to that. Honestly.
00:18You sent him in a perfectly good passport for us.
00:20Isn't it your back looking halfway between Pablo Escobar and a local paedophile?
00:23I think you look cute. I'll tell you what. I was ten years younger.
00:26Sorry, no offence, Elizabeth, but we A, we have done good authority that you do in fact have a cursed vagina.
00:33Bewitched. It's wise.
00:34And B, I think it's entirely inappropriate for you to be flirting with me because I am to be your future manager.
00:43Oh, dear God.
00:45After the financial bloody clusterfuck you made of the rat and cut, you know you're going to buy this, are you?
00:50Not buy it, Vincent. Lease it.
00:52And no, I haven't made a fucking clusterfuck of it. I've turned the rat and cutter around.
00:55Now I've got my sights set on this place.
00:58And you're doing what you always do. Fucking bull at a shagging gate.
01:02Just do one thing at a time, man.
01:04It's exactly not the advice of every great entrepreneur.
01:07And I should know. I watch a lot of Dragons' Den.
01:08Yep. Well, get that fucking jukebox fixed then. And get some bar snacks.
01:13Why is he always here?
01:13When I was young, his bloke used to come round with a basket of fish.
01:17And we all used to say to him, have you got crabs?
01:20You know, for a laugh.
01:23What, the good old days, was it?
01:25They had you in here enough times.
01:27Well, I say in here, you were in the van in the car park with a packet of prawn cocktail, Chris.
01:32Yeah, I know.
01:32Seeing as I drove you home on more than one occasion.
01:35How are you going to afford this when all your money's wrapped up in the rat and cuttle?
01:39Well, therein lies a very cunning plan.
01:41One which involves me going for four days to Dusseldorf to meet Veronica, my son's mother, and her...
01:47Drumroll, please.
01:49Her very wealthy parents!
01:52Oh!
01:53Yeah.
01:53Why would Hans' German grandparents buy a fucking run-down pub in Hawley?
01:58I've asked Hans, and it turns out his grandad is an angel investor.
02:01So all I've got to do is turn on me natural pizzazz and a few well-placed lies, and ka-ching!
02:07Liz Jones and her cursed fanny are my new employees.
02:10Why is it cursed?
02:11Please, can we not talk about my mother's fanny?
02:14It's dangerous.
02:15It's killed several men, hasn't it, though?
02:16Listen, only eight men have died.
02:19The other 53 are roaming around quite happy, thank you.
02:22That number's gone up.
02:23Yeah, well, it will.
02:24Here, here.
02:25Ain't him ever died mid-pump?
02:27Just the one.
02:28What's it like, Dusseldorf?
02:30Hotbedded, filthy debauchery, I've no doubt.
02:34Oh, it's beautiful, it's beautiful, yeah.
02:35Famed for its iconic Rhine Tower.
02:37Although I do have, you know, a few contacts over there in the debauchement industry,
02:42and I will be frequenting those for a few days prior to toddling off and meeting the parents.
02:46Anyway, love to chat, must fly, and, as they say in Germany,
02:52Hasta la vista, cunts.
02:55Is Dusseldorf not in Spain?
02:57Of 99 Luftballons.
03:01We're on Weg zum Hobbitzon.
03:03Of 99 Luftballons.
03:05Oh, hello, Mr. Schaffner.
03:30Speaking.
03:30There is a visitor here in reception wishing to see you.
03:33A visitor?
03:34Who is that?
03:35He says his name is Bernard Law Montgomery.
03:37The best things in life are free, but you can give them to the birds and bees are...
03:46What in the name of Jesus H fuck are you doing here?
03:53Hey, I've got your hotel details from Vinny.
03:55Bought myself a cheap flight over.
03:57Come fly!
03:59Absolutely fucking shite, Irline.
04:01Why would you do that?
04:03Why would you make such a strange and fucking incorrect decision, you manky old pube?
04:09We all nearly died that day, Tom, on that coach.
04:12You hadn't even fucking on it.
04:13I was fucking on the tractor, getting fucking dragged to the untimely end.
04:19Yeah, well, not that untimely, eh, Jim.
04:21Right, come on, off you fuck.
04:23Allé.
04:23And I made a vow that day that all the things I've been putting off had to get done.
04:28Right.
04:28Fucking carpe diem.
04:30Fucking bucket list.
04:31Right, and what, you've always dreamed of visiting Dusseldorf.
04:34Have you?
04:35Is that right?
04:35That's the pronunciation.
04:36Dusseldorf.
04:39Bukkake.
04:40Bukk?
04:41I'm so sorry about this.
04:42No, sorry.
04:43Fuck.
04:44You said Bukkake?
04:45Yeah, yeah.
04:45Well, he's famous for it over here, isn't he?
04:47All the underground whatnots and that.
04:49And you know all the fucking right places.
04:52Right.
04:52Okay, I can't believe it's happening to me.
04:56Right, how do I put it?
04:57Jim, fuck off, you monkey old scrotum.
05:01Get on the next fucking overcrowded, shitty flight back home.
05:04There we go, avanti, bonjour.
05:06Yeah, yeah, yeah, go on.
05:07Some people want to fucking skydive or fucking go to the Great Barrier Reef.
05:13This is my Taj Mahal, Tomo.
05:16My Great Wall of China.
05:21Good luck, dear.
05:22Fine.
05:26I'll just ask around, then.
05:35Fuck!
05:36Fucking hell!
05:37Fine, Jim.
05:39I do know people and do know a place.
05:41But listen to me.
05:42Right, mark my words.
05:42Are you marking me?
05:43Are you marking me?
05:44Heed me, Jim.
05:45Right, when you have shot your mucky little wad, that's us done.
05:49Right, you're finished.
05:50We are not...
05:51I repeat, we are not on a mini-break together.
05:54We absolutely don't.
05:55No, we are.
05:56Fuck you, Jim.
05:57You've got crisps in your beef, love.
06:09For fuck's sake, no.
06:10Fuck you.
06:11Yeah.
06:12Thomas.
06:13Mela.
06:14Meine Kleine.
06:15Frau Leiner.
06:16This is my friend James.
06:17I say friend, I mean, he's more of a rancid old farmer whom only acquaintances with because
06:22we grow weed under his land.
06:23Hi.
06:24Charmed to meet you.
06:25Hi.
06:26Okay.
06:27So I understand you are here for the bukkake?
06:29That's right.
06:30Okay.
06:31We do classic bukkake here.
06:33Oh.
06:34Three men, one woman.
06:36Okay.
06:37And...
06:39What if I want you to be on my knees?
06:42Oh.
06:43Hmm.
06:44This is extra.
06:45Do you have cash?
06:46Oh.
06:47Yeah.
06:48I've got a few bubby.
06:49I say.
06:50You know.
06:54Guten Abend.
06:55And we'll be joined by Anton and Dieter.
06:58Don't be intimidated.
06:59They're extremely large, but just follow their lead.
07:02Congratulations.
07:03Yeah.
07:04Yeah, right.
07:06So.
07:07Off we go.
07:08Good luck and don't be too gross, eh?
07:14Hmm.
07:15Oops.
07:16I meant fucking help.
07:18Ah.
07:19Guten Outfit.
07:20Ah.
07:21Sehr gut.
07:22Dad.
07:23Are you in Düsseldorf?
07:24Hands, son.
07:25I am indeed, yes.
07:26I'm currently soaking up the cultural highlights of this fine city.
07:27Fucking hell.
07:28Sorry, love.
07:29I've just seen a cathedral.
07:30Do you want to meet at Grandma and Grandpapa's house or before?
07:31And Mummy can't wait to see you.
07:32In I?
07:33Oh, yes.
07:34She says it will be strange after all the years, but also...
07:35Oh, wunderbar.
07:36They're doing dinner at 6pm.
07:37All right.
07:38Well, listen, I've got a few things to clear up here first, but ping me over the address.
07:46I've got a higher car, so I suppose I can...
07:47Toodle-o.
07:48Oh, shit.
07:49Hands, love, I'll see you at 6.
07:50All right.
07:51Right, well listen I've got a few things to clear up here first but ping me over the
07:55address I've got a hire car so I suppose I can err toodle oh shit.
08:03Hans Love, I'll see you at six, alright.
08:04Fucking hell Jim.
08:06Jim.
08:07The fuck have you done you?
08:09Hey nothing.
08:10I said don't be too gross did I not say that.
08:12I wasn't.
08:13I mean we were just getting to it, and I know I've got a bit of an intense jack-off face
08:18She just started crying and fled her fucking hand in the deck.
08:22She's so flayed, miserable. Oh, cuntzy!
08:25Mila, sweetheart, love, baby, angel, you all right in there?
08:29I'm sorry.
08:30No, no, no, don't. You be sorry.
08:32He is a mangy cunt with a horrible jerk-off face.
08:34Just come out of here and we can talk about it.
08:36Is she all right?
08:37Ah! Ah! Fuck the apple!
08:40Hey, I'm sorry if it was me. I mean, the last thing I wanted to do...
08:43No, no, it wasn't you.
08:45You're a gentleman. It's me.
08:49I shouldn't have come to work tonight. I'm just so worried.
08:54What's happened?
08:55My brother, Otto, he's in the hospital. He had a heart attack.
09:00That's terrible. Not our deal.
09:02I have his phone and he keeps getting these messages from someone named Bozeman.
09:09Right, so that's all in German, isn't it? So...
09:12He says...
09:13We want the gear.
09:15When and where.
09:16Don't ignore me.
09:17Fucking call me.
09:19Or I'll find you...
09:20Ass-face.
09:22Ass-face, right. That's a rare insult, that in terms.
09:25So what's...
09:26What's...
09:27What's I got myself involved in?
09:29Envelopes.
09:35Why?
09:36Well, Otto runs the local post office, and since the legalization of cannabis, people come here to smoke, to party from the UK, France, and many of them get the idea to post drugs back home.
09:49So, they Google local post office. Otto's the first hit. So they wander in and ask...
09:55How much did you post a letter back to the UK?
09:57So he tells them the price of a stamp. Otto knows they're posting weed, mushrooms. Then he throws them into a special red delivery bag.
10:06Which he then brings home with him. Because who's gonna make a complaint? Oh, my drugs never made it home?
10:11Fucking clever. Perfect crime.
10:13But then, he didn't know what to do with them all.
10:15Hence, Boseman.
10:17But fuck me, this is thousands of fucking pounds worth.
10:21Maybe tens of thousands.
10:23People pay 40, 50 euros for mushrooms. Even more for the strong ones.
10:27But I can't get involved. I don't want trouble with the police.
10:31Ah, well, congratulations, Mila, because we deal with this sort of thing all the fucking time.
10:36For a small remuneration, i.e. cut of the profits, we could get some of the contents of these envelopes to, er...
10:43Mr. Boseman. Air Boseman, if you will. Deutsche. Very good.
10:47And, you know, make the transaction.
10:50You would do that for me?
10:52Mila. Of course.
10:54Mi kasse re su kasse.
10:55You can have the money. I don't need it.
10:5650-50. Eh, let's say that.
10:5880. 20.
10:5960-40.
11:00Okay, I accept 60.
11:02Fucking well done.
11:04Thank you so much, Tom.
11:05Bitte schön!
11:07If you meet them, you might need someone who speaks German.
11:10Do you know anyone?
11:12Mila, would you believe it?
11:15I'm not just the man.
11:29Deary fucking easy!
11:31Listen, you can be all right with this.
11:33You know, you won't tell your mum. It's just, er, our little secret.
11:36Yes.
11:37It is exciting.
11:38Oh, yes.
11:39Like a movie.
11:40The illegal drop in a discreet location.
11:42Oh, yes. Well, listen, that's how your father rolls.
11:44It's wall-to-wall adventure and intrigue.
11:46Oh, yes.
11:47Except we're meeting him round the back of a large garden furniture warehouse.
11:50All right.
11:51All right.
11:52On that note, Avanti!
11:53Where's goat?
11:54Ha-ha!
11:55It's a quick inner night to stick to the plan, and we'll be sipping Steins on the Rhine.
12:03Bob's your fucking uncle.
12:04Bob's your fucking uncle.
12:08Bob's your fucking uncle.
12:09Right.
12:10Jim, you stay here with the gear. Me and Hans will go and negotiate.
12:26I don't like this. They've got nasty eyes. They're probably gonna kill us and dump our bodies in the Seine.
12:33The Seine is in France.
12:34You're missing the fucking point. I am this close to achieving a lifelong ambition.
12:39And now I'm gonna get shot in the face on some misguided envelope-based fucking scam.
12:45Jim, love, how do I put this gently?
12:47Um, shut the fuck up, you stupid old cunt.
12:59Ah! Mr. Boseman.
13:02Where's Otto?
13:03Tell him that, uh, we are colleagues and we have what he needs.
13:07We are Otto's colleagues.
13:08We are Otto's colleagues.
13:09Otto is beschäftigt, but we have what he needs.
13:11Yeah.
13:12Okay.
13:13Hat Otto den Weihnachtsmann und seine zwei Helfer geschickt, um seine Drecksarbeit zu erledigen?
13:16Wieso sieht der englische Weihnachtsmann so klapprig aus?
13:19Post-Brexit-Weihnachtsmann.
13:21Oh, yeah.
13:22What's he saying?
13:24Um, they say Otto sent Santa Claus.
13:27I think they mean Jim and his two elves, that's us, to do his deal for him.
13:32Okay.
13:33And then they did a bunch of follow-up stuff, which is German humor and won't be funny to you.
13:36Okay.
13:37I see.
13:38Was wollen diese Zwerge?
13:39Now they're asking how much you want for the gear.
13:41Yes.
13:42Right.
13:43We want 20.000 Euro.
13:4420.000 Euro.
13:45Yeah.
13:4820.000 Euro.
13:49Yeah.
13:50Der Weihnachtsmann hat wohl den ganzen Whisky zu früh gesoffen.
13:52They say that Santa must be drunk on all the whiskey, if we want 20k.
13:56Wir machen euch n' deal.
13:57Wenn ihr unsere Weihnachtssocken füllt, gibt's 4.000 Euro für euch.
14:01They will give us 4k, if we agree to fill their Christmas stockings.
14:05Jesus Christ, some fucking gentle humor this, innit it?
14:07Yeah.
14:08I have to tell them, 15 grand, and that's my final offer.
14:1115.000.
14:13Rude.
14:1510 grand, and that's as long as they'll go.
14:1710.
14:185.000.
14:19They say five.
14:209.
14:21Those cunts who won the war.
14:22No, no, Jim.
14:23We're not going down that route.
14:24Thank you very much.
14:25Alright.
14:269.000.
14:279.000.
14:28And that is it.
14:29That is as long as I'll go, or may God strike Jim down.
14:309.
14:31It's das beste Angebot.
14:328.
14:338.
14:34Fine.
14:35Done.
14:36Fucking great.
14:37Now let's get the dough so we can get on with the pukkake.
14:39Tell them that we want to see the cash before the drugs get handed over.
14:42Wir wollen zuerst die Kohle sehen.
14:44Bitte, Kohle sehen.
14:45Sicher.
14:46Aber vorher will ich ein Bild mit dem Weihnachtsmann.
14:49They want a photograph with Santa Claus.
14:52You are?
14:53Are you for real?
14:54Yes, they want to send it to a friend.
14:56Crikey.
14:57Alright, go on.
14:58Hey, having a great beard does not make me Santa Claus.
15:01Oh my God.
15:02Rasputin had a great beard.
15:03Fucking Fidel Castro had a great beard.
15:05Glitting that fucking selfie, you cunt.
15:07He's wearing disposable gloves.
15:09Only killers wear disposable gloves.
15:11Maybe he's got a germphobia.
15:12Go on, get the selfie, love.
15:13There we go.
15:14There we go.
15:15Ah, schnell.
15:16Sehr gut.
15:17Ja, super cool.
15:19Jetzt sind wir dying.
15:21Come.
15:22Come.
15:23He says now one with all of us.
15:24What's going on?
15:25We talking?
15:26What?
15:27Okay.
15:28Oh, singin'.
15:29Right.
15:30Heilige Nacht.
15:31Yeah, lovely.
15:32Alles schläft, traut und...
15:37Ah!
15:38Ah, Jesus!
15:39Ah!
15:40Ah!
15:41Ah!
15:42Ah!
15:43Hey!
15:44No!
15:45No!
15:46Ah!
15:47Ah!
15:48Ah!
15:49Ah!
15:50Ah!
15:51Ah!
15:52Ah!
15:53Ah!
15:54Ah!
15:55Ah!
15:56Ah!
15:57You fucking hire car!
15:58No!
15:59Ah!
16:00Ah!
16:01No!
16:02No!
16:05My best shirt was in that suitcase.
16:07And me tingly body rub.
16:09And me corn plasters.
16:10You honestly gonna go for that old fucking weird smorgasbord?
16:13It nicked off with our fucking luggage, our passports, and my fucking hire car that I didn't get insured!
16:18You didn't take the insurance?
16:20No!
16:21Would you like to take the insurance?
16:23Yeah.
16:24Four days in Dusseldorf was the worst that could happen.
16:27Would you like to take the insurance?
16:28Would you like to take the insurance?
16:29Would you like to take the insurance?
16:30Fuck!
16:31Fuck!
16:32We lost a car, but we gained a jacket!
16:35Ha!
16:36Stop it!
16:37What do you think?
16:38I've not got time for whimsy now, love.
16:39Oh!
16:40What's this?
16:41What was it?
16:42What was it?
16:43What is it?
16:44Brauere Schumann, 10.30?
16:45That's a beer hall.
16:46That's a fucking meetup.
16:47That's a fucking meetup?
16:48He's going there tonight!
16:49Unless it was last night and he's just still in his pocket.
16:52I swear to God, man.
16:54But, Dad, we have to go to Grandma and Grandpapa's.
16:56Ah.
16:57In fact, we need to be there in 22 minutes.
17:00Okay, okay.
17:01Here's what we're going to do.
17:02We're going to go to the relatives, have a bit of din-dins, lovely.
17:04Then, early to bed, I'm going to sneak out and go and retrieve what's rightfully ours.
17:08Brilliant, call an Uber.
17:09Hang on a minute.
17:10What about me getting what I came for?
17:13Jim, where's the fucking room?
17:15Events have moved on.
17:16So you're just going to go off to dinner and leave me here in the middle of fucking nowhere?
17:22You can come with us.
17:24As you say in England, the more of the people, the merrier the situation.
17:28Nice one.
17:29Ticket.
17:30Yeah.
17:31Yeah.
17:42It's Mummy.
17:44This is a huge moment.
17:46My mother and my father reunited after so many years.
17:49All right, all right, I'm coming.
17:51Words which ironically led to your creation.
17:54Mummy!
17:55And that's what I said when I came.
17:58Hans.
17:59It's Daddy.
18:00Thomas.
18:01Well, yes.
18:02It's been a very long time.
18:03Yes.
18:04Hello again.
18:05Hello, Veronica.
18:06Looking well.
18:08Very Germanic, with your hair like that and the raw neck and all that, you know.
18:13And you look very English.
18:15Thank you, I think.
18:18Who is this?
18:19This is Jim, a friend of Dad's.
18:21Good to meet you.
18:22I've heard a lot about you.
18:23Well, the 16-year-old you.
18:25The one that liked cowgirl on school trip.
18:27Jim!
18:28Sorry about that.
18:30Veronica!
18:31Hans!
18:32Papa!
18:33Hi, hello!
18:34Kinder!
18:35So good to see you.
18:38Come on.
18:39You can drink first, eh?
18:44Oh no!
18:45I be like the circus.
18:46My neighbor.
18:47My neighbor.
18:48Opa?
18:49Yeah?
18:50That's my father.
18:51Thomas.
18:52Father?
18:53And his friend Jim.
18:54Friend.
18:55Did you bring any luggage?
18:56We had it stolen.
18:58I hope you have insurance.
18:5950 quid fuck that what's the worst that could happen never mind i'll lend you some of my
19:13briefs let's go did he say briefs yes thomas come hurry up schnell this is our sauna and
19:26i built it with my own hands justice gitter is preparing us the most amazing feast and there's
19:32nothing more enticing for the appetite than a cold plunge oh the secret is is complete
19:41submerging all the way to your neck and you hold it for two minutes and not a second less
19:46two two minutes two full minutes right now follow me
19:50yeah now you come okay you know here goes what i think eh so test the water as it wow hi so fuck me
20:07yes that's very very cold actually don't allow yourself to think about it yes no i have thoughts
20:12about it and the brain is very much saying no thank you so i'm just gonna go say me all right
20:17count him in fun fear die swine eyes i mentioned that i do have a heart defect and so i'm a bit
20:27concerned this might bring about a cardiac arrest
20:29hey reminds me of the merchant navy except if we were all naked
20:36hey i'm just gonna get some wine for jay all right oh and get me some tampons will you i told you use a moon cup
20:50hey just get the tampons you get them i'm not buying shitty single-use plastic
20:56a single-use plastic
21:03weirdo
21:05oh it's my way today
21:11i'll put that in your drink
21:18don't sweat the technique
21:20don't sweat the technique
21:22all right fucking go go fucking joking
21:27fuck's sake faye you're meant to go in for a bottle of wine yeah all an opportunity arose
21:34did you hit him then
21:35only gently fuck me thought we were leaving all this small-time shit behind i'm wearing my fucking tampons eh
21:41that guy in there who's probably just doing his fucking job minimum wage probably get into all kinds of trouble now
21:47it's not right ellie you're asking me to compromise my moral standpoint on these things
21:51moral fucking standpoint as if you didn't just fucking smash a guy in the face for a couple of quid
21:56i fucking told you to use a moon cup
21:58oh fuck off
22:00thank you
22:06so
22:09Ernst
22:10or
22:11perhaps now that we're related i could venture to call you papa
22:14keep it at work
22:16okay as you wish
22:17listen
22:18about earlier
22:19the whole ice plunge situation i think we got off the wrong foot didn't we
22:22because you see the whole great outdoors
22:24it's not really my natural environement
22:26You know, I'm more of a night-time economy guy.
22:29You know, pubs, clubs, bars, where people can go and find fun and friendship.
22:34Everyone to their own.
22:36And, you know, as it happens, I do have a small portfolio of venues in the UK,
22:41but I'm ever looking to expand.
22:44I see.
22:47Hans helped me financially to set up my flagship venue, The Rat and Cutter.
22:52And now I've got my little eye on another local bar, very up-and-coming,
22:57and I was wondering if you might want to chat investment opportunities.
23:05You got my daughter pregnant?
23:08No, let me ask you a question.
23:10Why do you think Veronica never told you that you're Hans' father?
23:15Because we met when we were very young and on a school exchange.
23:19So it's one of them, isn't it?
23:21She went through hell.
23:23She was 16 years old with a newborn child.
23:26Couldn't go out with her friends.
23:29Couldn't go on holidays.
23:32She had to postpone college.
23:34And why?
23:36Because some English boy was the cheap to buy prophylactics.
23:40A fucking condom.
23:44Well, it wasn't the expense as such.
23:47She didn't tell you because she thought you are a bad bet.
23:54She thought your life will be chaotic and failing.
24:00Even though she was physically attracted to you.
24:05At that age, she was smart enough even then to realize
24:09she was the kind of guy that can be relied upon.
24:17Well, how wrong was she, eh?
24:20Was she?
24:23I think of myself as a good judge of character.
24:26It comes with my line of work.
24:27And I think Veronica, my daughter, she's two.
24:32Aye.
24:34Ernst, answer this for me.
24:36I've always wanted to know.
24:38What's with the fucking umlaut?
24:42Huh?
24:43Oh, my God, this is funny.
24:44Oh, my God, this is funny.
25:00Look, there's something I didn't tell you about my uncle.
25:02You thought you'd wait till you got to the door, did you?
25:05It's not a big deal.
25:06It's just it doesn't look like you'd expect, right?
25:09What do you mean?
25:13There is plenty of space.
25:19Where?
25:20The bathroom is just outside.
25:22Aye.
25:23And, er, I will bring you some towers.
25:31What the fuck are you doing, Agent?
25:33You can't stay at the night as soon as we've got that gear.
25:35You're fucking off to your hotel.
25:37What hotel?
25:40What do you mean, what hotel?
25:41I didn't book one.
25:42I just thought I saw it once I got here.
25:43Who the fuck does that?
25:44I thought you might have a spare bed in your room.
25:46Why?
25:47Why would I have?
25:48There you go.
25:50Speak if you need anything.
25:53We are only upstairs.
25:59I want that fucking book, Akitamo.
26:00And I'm not going home until it's...
26:03Your actions.
26:05Are not the actions of a reasonable man.
26:07What a mess.
26:10Dark of shit.
26:14It's like Morecambe and Wise, isn't it?
26:16Two grown men.
26:18Share in a room.
26:20Separate beds.
26:21Simpler time, you see.
26:22He said he'd give us a signal when they went to bed.
26:23Where is he?
26:24I don't want to let anything of it back then.
26:26Is this the same halcyon age when Jim Davidson were doing Chalky White and Benny Hill were chasing scantily clad women round the grounds of stately homes?
26:33Oh, come on.
26:34That's right.
26:36Sully it with your woke agenda.
26:38Uh-oh.
26:39Fuck me.
26:40I was fucking offended nowadays.
26:43It's because you can't say anything.
26:44Oh, my God.
26:45When we were kids, you got given a nickname, you just got on with it.
26:49When I was young, people used to call me Pid Shit Jimmy, because I lived on a farm.
26:54And it hasn't done me any harm, has it, eh?
26:59I'm not so sure about that, love.
27:00ffff'.
27:05Ein...
27:08un...
27:09aus.
27:15Un...
27:20aus.
27:24Immer im Rhythmus.
27:30Jim, get your fucking shoes on, or got me out of him.
27:43Roar!
27:48Oh hello, someone's been on the Jägerbombs.
27:59Keep your eyes peeled, Jim. You remember what it looks like?
28:02Hey, fucking memory of a fox, man.
28:05The foxes have good memories?
28:07Well, if they haven't, why would they have said it?
28:10Willkommen, meine Damen und Herren,
28:13zum größten, berühmtesten Drinkwalk-Wettbewerb in Düsseldorf!
28:18Oh, yeah, yes.
28:21Die Teilnehmer werden sich jetzt an der Bühne anmelden.
28:24Prost!
28:26What the fuck's going on here?
28:28What's going on, pal?
28:29It's a Drinkwalk-Wettbewerb.
28:31Back in the English!
28:33Nein!
28:34But you don't speak fucking English!
28:37He's a rude man.
28:38Him? Oh, yeah, he's fucking awful.
28:39Yeah, yeah, yeah, well sponsored.
28:41Sorry, what the fuck is going on here?
28:43It is a famous Drinkwalk competition.
28:45Everyone has put in five Euro, and the winner gets to keep the pot of money.
28:49But the cash prize? Fuck it, I'm getting involved.
28:52Hmm?
28:53Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, Tim, Tim, no!
28:55I couldn't get away.
29:10No, so?
29:11You took Grandad's car.
29:13Yeah, I noticed I said that.
29:14No, he went to bed, but he won't be happy if he finds out.
29:19A drink-slash-walk competition, how fantastic.
29:25There's the man.
29:37Odd?
29:38Jacky-man?
29:39Well, it's definitely him.
29:40Well, it is him and all, yeah.
29:42Right, we've got him.
29:43He's trapped.
29:44Ah!
29:45Look!
29:46Hey, helicopter!
29:47I've got you now, you can't.
29:49Wow!
29:50Oh!
29:51Hey!
29:52Yeah!
29:53Hey!
29:54Yeah!
29:55What?
29:56Yeah!
29:57Yeah!
29:58Yeah!
29:59Yeah!
30:00Genau!
30:01Woo!
30:02That will a two-top, if it's a two-top or if it's a two-true?
30:06Oh!
30:07Up to the links!
30:08Yeah!
30:09Hey!
30:10Fuck it up!
30:11Yeah!
30:12Yeah!
30:13Yeah!
30:14Genau!
30:15Yes, Jim!
30:16Yeah!
30:17Yeah!
30:18Fuck off!
30:19One-nil to me!
30:20Oh!
30:21Shit!
30:22Fuck off!
30:23Fuck off!
30:24Oh, jeez!
30:25Oh, boy!
30:26No!
30:27Shit!
30:28He's gone!
30:29What?
30:30Fucking bumble-jack, he's gone!
30:31Oh!
30:32Jesus Christ!
30:33Please give us the fucking sleep!
30:34Jesus Christ!
30:35Help!
30:36Help!
30:37Help!
30:38Help!
30:39Help!
30:40Help!
30:41I'm back in the air!
30:42Nice!
30:43You've got your nose!
30:48Fucking hell!
30:50No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
30:52It's locked!
30:53It's fucking locked!
30:54Oh, there's a door release button!
30:55Oh, right!
30:56It's all right, yeah!
30:58It's in my car park!
30:59Up!
31:00There!
31:01It's in!
31:02It's my fucking air car!
31:03He's leaving!
31:04Well, if we fucking block the way, he's not!
31:21Jack...
31:22Matt...
31:23Why is he just staring at us?
31:32No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
31:34Ah!
31:35Ah!
31:36Grandad's car!
31:37It's a fucking air car!
31:38Wow, and it fucking moves!
31:40Would you like to taxi and show them?
31:43No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
31:46Ah!
31:46Ah!
31:47The other is in Dusseldorf.
31:48Ah!
31:49What's the worst that could happen?
31:50He he!
31:51I have an idea.
31:55No, no, no, no, no, don't.
31:57Get out.
32:13Oh, that's not good.
32:17Oh.
32:18Oh, he's alive.
32:22Thank God.
32:24Hey.
32:25Oh, I'll tell you what.
32:27I'm loving that.
32:28Boots land.
32:30Five lights on.
32:31Right, you check the boot.
32:36Nothing back here.
32:37Oh, jackpot.
32:38His mobile telephone.
32:40Let's get this cunt into our car.
32:42Are we taking him to the hospital?
32:44Oh, we folk.
32:45This bastard's a bargaining chip.
32:47Is it chip or is it chit?
32:49Dad, I don't like this.
32:50I think I might be out of my depth.
32:52I can't take a man hostage.
32:54Look, love.
32:55You're only hostage if you're being held against your will.
32:59And he's gagging to come with us, aren't you, mate?
33:03Get me the fuck out of here.
33:05They're all fucking psychos.
33:08There we go.
33:08Oh, how do you like that, you great German shit?
33:13Right.
33:14Here is the plan.
33:15We're going to bell Bootsman up off Lado's phone.
33:17Bootsman's going to pick up the phone because he thinks one of his guys is calling.
33:20Then we're going to say to him, or rather you're going to say to him because you speak German.
33:23You're not getting your lad back until we get, A, our passports, B, our luggage, and C, the fucking gear that he stole from us.
33:33I can't do that.
33:35No, no, no, darling.
33:36If we don't get our passports back, we can't go on.
33:38And as much as you might be the nation who invented socks and sandals, you do not deserve a crusty old racist farmer.
33:44Fine.
33:44Give me the telephone.
33:46But I wanted to it my way, with politeness.
33:50Good for you.
33:50Good lad.
33:51Nice.
33:52Politeness?
33:53Are you fucking sure he's your kid?
33:54Says the man with a super smart lesbian daughter.
33:57Lesbian?
33:59As in?
34:00He's a fucking lesbian.
34:02Then she sleeps with women.
34:03What do you think of?
34:03Oh, my God.
34:04Did you not know that?
34:05You're saying at my alley he's a fucking donut bumper.
34:08Jim, honestly, as much as it might be difficult for you to get your head around the fact that you have spawned a homosexual,
34:13maybe she'd be grateful, you know, because she's a lovely young woman, isn't she?
34:16Is she's a fucking mother, this?
34:17I told her not to introduce her to fucking hockey.
34:20All them young girls, short skirts, big wooden fucking sticks.
34:24I worry about your world view.
34:26I really do, Jim.
34:27Hey, look, there's a place here half a mile away.
34:29Look, it says catering for all erotic desires.
34:32Jesus Christ, Jim, if you mention Bukakki one more fucking time!
34:36You fucking promised you'd help me.
34:38No, no, no, no, no, no, factually inaccurate, that.
34:40What I seem to recall happening is you following me to a foreign nation like a fucking sex-dementor.
34:46What do you say, love?
34:48He said, you can keep him.
34:51What?
34:52The man in the back, he said, I don't care, keep him.
34:55Fuck you, Germany!
35:07How a fucking Lirio.
35:10Fill your boots!
35:11Actually, don't fill your boots.
35:12I wish I'd not said that.
35:13It's a horrible image.
35:17Grandad isn't going to be very happy about the car.
35:19That's a fucking understatement.
35:20Well, to be honest, love, I reckon your grandad's opinion of me wasn't that high to begin with.
35:25What makes you say that?
35:27Hmm?
35:28Oh.
35:29Cold to hunch.
35:32And your mum, fuck, you know.
35:33She was a bit, er...
35:34Cool.
35:35Frosty.
35:36Ass-cold.
35:37You know?
35:38Mum is the sort of person who keeps her emotions inside herself.
35:41Hmm.
35:42She will have been nervous about seeing you again, I think.
35:45Hmm.
35:45You know, I suppose I'm just a stranger to her, aren't I?
35:49I'm just, er, someone she had a youthful fling with many moons ago.
35:53Nothing more, nothing less.
35:55Sorry, sweetheart, is it just me?
35:57Or it seems very much like those two men over there are heading this way with rather large sledgehammers.
36:04They are definitely coming in this direction.
36:08Hmm.
36:10I mean, no one else are here.
36:13No one's followed us, so they can't be here for...
36:14us.
36:19Release Lukas.
36:21Oh, they're not easier.
36:22Release him now.
36:24Dad, this is scary.
36:25No, no, no, no, sweet.
36:26They're trying to frighten us, aren't they?
36:28I'll handle this.
36:30Guten Abend.
36:31Guten Abend.
36:32Ja, ja.
36:34Den sledgehammer.
36:35I've said put on the sledgehammer.
36:37Den vorschlaghammer niederlegen.
36:39Den vorschlaghammer niederlegen.
36:41Just speak English.
36:42Your German is worse than a three-year-old.
36:44Listen, right, I've told Boseman, we'll release him when we get our passports and the gear you stole.
36:50Now!
36:51Or we fuck up your car more.
36:52It's not my car, it's my son's granddad's, so...
36:54Your son's granddad, so not your father, but your wife's father.
36:58No, she's not my wife, actually, either.
37:00In fact, I barely even know her.
37:02We had a brief sexual encounter two decades ago.
37:05And you didn't use protection.
37:07Okay, no.
37:07How did you find us?
37:08Find my phone app.
37:10Of course.
37:11Of course.
37:11Dinger!
37:11Everyone has this.
37:13Right, no, listen, listen, right, we had a fair deal.
37:16And Boseman shafted us right at the asshole.
37:20And this dickhead in the back, he's written off my hire car.
37:24Didn't take the insurance?
37:25No, I did not.
37:27Look, I am going to count to three.
37:30And then you release Lucas.
37:31You don't fucking like it, love.
37:32We're not giving him back until we get what's rightfully ours.
37:36Eins.
37:37We have to let him go.
37:38They're bluffing.
37:39Why?
37:39I don't think they're bluffing.
37:40Because they're bluffing fucking in front of the car, aren't they?
37:42Good, run them over.
37:43I'll run them over.
37:43Don't run them over.
37:44Drive.
37:47See?
37:48What'd I say?
37:49Bluffing.
37:53Fucking fuck.
37:55Stop the car, drive away.
37:56He's going to kill us.
37:59Don't do that.
38:00Do not do that.
38:01Oh, fuck off.
38:05Fucking hell.
38:06You fucking hate me.
38:06No, no, no.
38:07Don't you.
38:07No.
38:08He's opening the doors.
38:09No, he's not.
38:10He's got me.
38:11Okay.
38:12No.
38:12Open the fucking car door.
38:15We slash your granddaddy's tires.
38:18Help you.
38:19No, no.
38:21No, no, no.
38:23No.
38:24No.
38:25No.
38:26No.
38:26Does he know?
38:27Step away from the fucking bed.
38:29No.
38:30Yeah.
38:31Fucking hell.
38:33Outlaw the door.
38:35Come on, ship.
38:35Yeah.
38:36What if they follow us?
38:44Oh, throw the phone out the window.
38:45The phone, the phone, throw the phone out the window!
38:47Or I could turn off, find my phone.
38:48Yeah, yeah, no, I'll do that.
38:50Yeah, yeah, yeah.
38:50Thank you for saving us.
38:51Excuse me, eh?
38:52The deed, if you've done the deed, if you've done the deed, if you've done the deed done.
38:54No, he fucking isn't.
38:56What are you going to do with him in the bath?
38:57We can't take him back to my grandparents' house.
39:00Explaining the car is going to be bad enough without a hostage in the booth.
39:02He's not a hostage, he's free to go at any time.
39:06Uncle Jay took a sign to you, told me in the kitchen.
39:11You said you were a keeper.
39:13Yeah, I bet he did.
39:15Fuck off.
39:17And you said you'd get us some work?
39:20Yeah, what kind of work?
39:22I don't know, like...
39:24I don't know, but we can trust him.
39:26It'll be good.
39:28Now then, admit it.
39:32How sexy did you find me robbing that shop?
39:34Come on.
39:38You know you did.
39:39Did not.
39:40You did.
39:41Did not.
39:42You loved it.
39:50Baby!
39:51Liz says you're up here, is that right?
39:53I ain't.
39:53David?
40:03David?
40:08David, love.
40:09I've told her the name's Alfred Barnard.
40:12Jesus fucking Christ.
40:13Of course you stood right there.
40:15Bloody terrifying.
40:17Stop.
40:17Stop being Alfred Barnard for a minute.
40:19I know it's you.
40:20Hey.
40:21Liz has told me that you've demanded to move in here a little bit.
40:25Demanded?
40:26Why are you still doing the voice?
40:28Listen.
40:29She's told me that you're like a crazy woman in an attic.
40:32Are you listening?
40:32The only time she ever sees you is when you want sustenance.
40:35And to the best of her knowledge,
40:37you've been in this fucking room for three bloody weeks.
40:39Is that true?
40:40She likes to talk, doesn't she, Miss Jones?
40:43Yeah.
40:44But listen, I'm worried about you, Davey.
40:46I've stayed in the crow's nest before.
40:48It fucking sucks.
40:49Did you know that that television console has only got free view?
40:53Right.
40:53I've spent my days watching reruns of A Place in the Sun.
40:57Ooh.
40:58One couple wanted to sell their house in Burnley
41:00and relocate to Fuerteventura.
41:04Imagine idiocy.
41:05What's going on?
41:06What the fuck's happened?
41:07Somebody made it abundantly clear
41:12that they wanted me dead.
41:18I can smell your balls from it.
41:20I'm sorry, dude.
41:21You haven't been showering.
41:22I had a flannel wash this morning.
41:24Thank you very much.
41:25Come on.
41:25We're going for a drive.
41:26You can tell me what's going on.
41:33Donna had scurried off back to Liverpool
41:35with a tail between her legs.
41:37And I was feeling very proud of myself.
41:40Mm-hmm.
41:40In the can, dead.
41:42Me in Manalido's mansion, ruling the roost.
41:46I was the king of the fucking world.
41:49And then, one night, I woke up
41:54and I could feel something wet in the bed alongside me.
41:57And I was thinking, what on earth can that be?
42:00I'm alone, in bed.
42:02What could be wet down there?
42:05Oh, fucking hell, what was it?
42:07You've seen the Godfather?
42:08I assume, with the horse's head?
42:10You joke.
42:11It wasn't a fuck.
42:12Was it that?
42:12No.
42:13Oh.
42:13Worse.
42:17Oh, Godana.
42:18No.
42:19No one give a shit about that.
42:21No.
42:23It was.
42:24Oh.
42:24Oh, fuck me, the exotic zoo.
42:34Yes, correct, Vincent.
42:35There was a note telling me that if I didn't leave that evening,
42:39then it would be my head in my mother's bed.
42:41Oh, shit.
42:43Shit indeed, sweetheart.
42:45I'm not ashamed to say it.
42:47It shook me.
42:49Do you know who it was?
42:51It was that cross-dressing cunt, Kittens.
42:53Oh.
42:54Revenge for McCann.
42:57Why did I get McCann killed?
42:59Hmm?
43:00For you.
43:01To help you.
43:02And now, look, comes back to haunt me.
43:05Well, I mean, it suited you down to the fucking ground, didn't it?
43:08I know.
43:08Didn't be in, Dad.
43:09Shh.
43:09What?
43:11What's that?
43:15That's Demi Shrewsos.
43:17Who the fuck's that?
43:18Demi Shrewsos.
43:20It's my mother's favourite.
43:21Who the fuck did you tell where you?
43:23I haven't told anyone we're up here, you fucking nutcase.
43:26No.
43:26Jesus, what's wrong with you?
43:28This is how it ends.
43:29On a cold, lonely road.
43:31With you.
43:33About my side.
43:34Quick.
43:35We'd better run.
43:36He's a man on his way on.
43:37He's just a random dickhead.
43:39Vincent.
43:40Wait.
43:41Hans, get inside.
43:59And you in.
44:00Where have you been?
44:06Uh, that is a very long story.
44:11Leading my boy astray?
44:13What are you doing here, Tomu?
44:15Why did you come here?
44:17I sometimes wish he had never found you.
44:21He should have left the past in the past.
44:24You'd like that, wouldn't you?
44:27Pretend I don't exist.
44:31That's all right, love.
44:32Your dad let the cat out of the bag.
44:35Why?
44:36You didn't want to let me know that I had a son.
44:38Yeah.
44:39Yeah.
44:39What did he say?
44:43He said them.
44:50It's not all right, right?
44:51When you meet, right?
44:53When you grow up like I grew up, shit, parents, bounce around from care-on to care-on, people
45:00have a certain way of looking at you.
45:02They don't have high hopes for you.
45:07And, um, you know, you go to school and careers and all that and they do the same thing.
45:11And then you've got best condescending, pat on the back, but so you're basically, you
45:15are fucking nothing, you're nothing, and you're always going to be nothing, right?
45:20And so you have to just sort of either fall in line with that thinking or, like, fight
45:26fight back, you know?
45:28Fight to prove yourself.
45:31Prove those dickheads wrong.
45:33But if it follows you, and, you know, people looking down on you and thinking that you're
45:40nothing, thinking that you're worthless and you're shit, follows you around.
45:43But I've fucking tried.
45:46I've fought really hard.
45:48And I'll keep fighting now for him, for my lad, and to prove to your dad and fucking
45:5816-year-old you that I'm not shit, actually, and that I can make something in my life.
46:03Okay.
46:08I didn't tell you I was pregnant because...
46:13I was scared you'd reject me.
46:20I felt like I loved you.
46:23And I wanted to have your child, but...
46:26I was scared you'd tell me to get rid of it.
46:29I thought about you so much over the years, and I did want to tell you, but weeks turned
46:40to months, and...
46:41I'm glad you didn't get rid of him, because he's the best thing in my whole life.
46:50Sorry.
46:51You know...
46:52You used to have a fantastic job.
46:58You really have.
47:00God, I'm sorry for all this mad shit that I've fucking got him into now.
47:03You're both back safe, and...
47:06Apart from the state of my father's car, hopefully it's all done and dealt with now.
47:12It is.
47:13Yeah, it is.
47:17Except for the fellas tied up in the boot.
47:19I'm sure you have done worse.
47:40I hope your car insurance fucks you and your shit car, you damn arseholes!
47:56Joyriders, innit?
47:57Fucking joyriders.
47:58We'll say we went for an early walk, and when we came back, daddy's car was gone.
48:09Must have been stolen in the night.
48:12Veronica, you are a fucking angel.
48:16An angel in one form.
48:17And speaking of which, I hear that your father is an angel investor, and I was wondering if,
48:23you know, maybe if I get in my briefs again, if you might be able to facilitate a business
48:28discussion.
48:31Let's see what we can do.
48:42Oh, good morning.
48:45Oh, good morning, Gator.
48:47Just recovering from last night.
48:49Fucking hell.
48:50Oh, how would you like to start the day off in the sun?
48:56Oh, no, I'm not sure about that.
48:58I think you find it invigorating.
49:02Come on.
49:04Uh, okay.
49:06Yeah, go in.
49:09We heard what you said.
49:12What you are looking for.
49:17We are very open-minded people.
49:21Sexually.
49:21I negotiated with both men.
49:36He now has a membership to my club.
49:38Mila, you are an absolute fucking superstar.
49:42Say to this car, though, eh?
49:44Carst.
49:45You took the insurance?
49:46What do you mean you're going back to school?
49:54It's a school reunion.
49:55Let's get smashed.
49:57Meet me in the science lab.
49:58That body was destined to be in a leotard on a stage.
50:01You look like you want to hit me.
50:03Fuck.
50:03I was bullied here, too.
50:06I could get TJ and you could get mine.
50:08I think our owner is about to do something really stupid.
50:13What the fuck?
50:15I got so much trouble in my mind.
50:29I got so much trouble in my mind.
50:33Give me the strength to carry on.
50:37Give me the strength to carry on.
50:45Transcription by CastingWords
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