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Tonight Season 2025 Episode 25
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00:00tonight the importance of planning ahead I don't think people realize the chaos
00:12that we can leave behind by not getting plans in place do you know your rights
00:17I remember going to my car crying my eyes out because I thought they are really going to take
00:25my man away from me after 49 years and how talking can help if we don't talk about it we're not going
00:33to do the things that we ideally do before we die the more you talk about it the more perspective
00:40you get good evening and welcome to the tonight program it's a topic many of us put off thinking
00:47about but the decisions we do or don't make when we're alive can make a huge difference to those
00:52we leave behind whether it's wills taxes or funerals working out what to do and how to do it can be a
00:59daunting task so what should be on your checklist and is now the time to get your affairs in order
01:22we're living in uncertain times with the cost of living crisis and increasingly turbulent global
01:31events many of us may choose to survive one day at a time but should we be looking much further ahead
01:37so many people die and then the relatives haven't got a clue what's happening it feels like if we get
01:46things in order it will actually make everything better we've set up a sofa in this charity store in
01:54Bolton to find out from shoppers how prepared they are I have wheels I have two powers of attorney my
02:01daughter knows where I want my what my ashes scattering I don't think people realize the chaos that they can
02:08leave behind by not getting plans in place the only thing I've really thought of is life insurance but
02:16when it comes to anything further than that I don't think I've really done much I've got absolutely
02:21everything prepared because it's inevitable death we all know about that don't we it gives you peace of
02:27mind knowing on your deathbed everything's everything's all prepared it's about being practical
02:33really and not leaving things for other people to do because it gets quite complicated it doesn't seem
02:40important it's like I'll do that later yeah yeah it's like a back burner thing like putting the bins
02:47out or doing the dishes just ah I'll I'll do it when I need to do it we don't know what's going to
02:54happen in our lives so getting things like power of attorney and a will in place really does give you
03:00the opportunity to be in control and actually it's quite compassionate for your loved ones as well
03:05because then it gives them an opportunity to understand what your wishes are this is us on our
03:12wedding day looks so happy Dorothy from Bristol and her husband Melvin were together for 49 years
03:20such a beautiful smile everybody said Melvin had the most wonderful smile we were rolling high on a on a
03:28lovely life together and then our life changed very very dramatically after experiencing problems
03:36with balance Melvin was diagnosed with the rare brain condition ataxia his health deteriorated quickly
03:43and Dorothy became his full-time carer so they decided it was time to get their affairs in order when we
03:51got the will we were like oh the will that's the biggest thing that you can do isn't it you know the
03:57will and you know the wishes about you know his funeral arrangements and things like that and
04:02financially that's all sort of put in place we could have had the power of attorney drawn up at the same
04:08time through our solicitor who drew up the will but I naively thought that as his wife that gave me a lot of
04:17rights so why would I want to spend a lot of money on something that was giving me what I thought I already had
04:24yeah that went wrong for us I'm afraid we had we learnt a very harsh lesson six months ago Melvin was admitted
04:32to hospital with pneumonia and Dorothy was told he may not be allowed to return home they didn't think
04:39that he had the mental capacity to make his own decisions about his care and therefore they were
04:45concerned about him being discharged and coming home to me and I said well I'll just take him home I'm his wife
04:51you know I'm his carer and they said do you have power of attorney that question do you have power of attorney
04:57and I went no and they went well we override that I remember going to my car crying my eyes out because
05:06I thought they are really going to take my man away from me after 49 years Dorothy was asked to prove that
05:14Melvin did have mental capacity and that she was still able to care for him only then was he allowed home
05:21I immediately immediately started to put in place the power of attorney it made me panic and it made me very frightened
05:30and I had to put my practical head on and I had to get it all in place but the irony of it like a month after I got it in place he passed
05:41There are different types of power of attorney and they vary further in Scotland and Northern Ireland
05:48but if used correctly they can all be a vital legal tool
05:53however a recent survey found that 78% of UK adults aged over 40 don't have one
06:00They often think that because they're married to somebody for example or they're a relative that they already have those rights and authorities
06:08but in a healthcare setting people are you know very clear that it has to be that legal document of power of attorney
06:15What's really important about it is you set it up while you still have mental capacity
06:20so you could essentially get it registered at any age and actually we say you know this is not an old person problem
06:27this is actually a kind of emergency backup in the same way you might have a rainy day fund
06:32Another way to help make sure your wishes are followed is to make a will
06:37A will is really an opportunity for you to set out where you want all your assets to go when you're no longer there
06:46It means that your family and friends know exactly what your wishes are and it makes life easier for them
06:52But it's estimated over half of UK adults aged 18 and over don't have a will
06:58and it's a similar figure even in the older age bracket of 50 to 64
07:03It's not difficult or time consuming or expensive
07:06There's lots of charities for example that are part of different schemes like Free Wills Month or Wills Aid
07:12that will allow you to get a will either an individual or a couple written for free of charge
07:17Please don't delay, it's so easy to delay it but we never know what's around the next corner
07:24We've had sort of off the cuff conversations haven't we just at home over dinner or something
07:29but we don't have anything down in writing
07:31I'll probably write it in a book somewhere and hope you find it
07:36Knowing what my mum's drawers look like, very scary
07:39I've made it very clear with my will about who gets to exactly what
07:44We were in our early 30s when we made our first will
07:47We've always changed it to make sure it reflects the situation that we're in
07:52No, I've not made a will yet
07:54I am a solicitor but I don't deal with wills so it's something that I've thought about
08:00I think I'm just waiting to retire and then put something in place then I think
08:05If you don't make a will then what's called the laws of intestacy apply
08:12and the state gives effect to how your estate will be divided
08:17The rules are actually quite complicated and if you've got a partner, a cohabitee
08:24then that cohabitee, even after 20 years, will get nothing if you haven't made a will
08:30So it's particularly important
08:33But just the thought of end of life admin can be overwhelming
08:38Like many retired couples, Paul and Debbie from Altrincham in Greater Manchester have made a start
08:44Now they need some guidance on what to do next
08:48We have got a will, which we made a long time ago
08:52Yeah, and that does need updating, that does need revising
08:57Yeah, it does
08:58But that's it really
09:00We definitely need to start doing something about it sooner than later really
09:04Yes, absolutely, absolutely
09:07Age UK's Lifebook is one of many tools designed to help
09:12It has a detailed checklist of areas to consider
09:15and Paul and Debbie are hoping it will guide them in the right direction
09:19OK, so it's got six sections here
09:23So, personal details
09:26Yep, OK
09:28Medical
09:29Health
09:30Work contacts
09:32Put all the details of the bank
09:35Your will
09:37Funeral wishes
09:38Mmm
09:40What songs do you want played or sung?
09:43I'll have to think about that one
09:45Up until now, I had not given it that degree of thought
09:49I think we need to decide about, certainly about the funeral and what we want to happen
09:55and music and, yeah, and about obsessions as well, that was another thing
10:01It's really designed to take people through a thought process
10:05We're trying to make sure as much as possible all the different parts of someone's life is captured
10:09and, importantly, have the conversation with your loved ones or with your close family friends
10:14and make sure they know what your wishes would be if the worst was to happen
10:19Paul and Debbie have decided to take that advice by having a chat with their eldest son, Jamie
10:25It kind of felt a bit awkward at first when they wanted to talk about that
10:28and they wanted to kind of bring it up
10:30but I'm glad we did it actually
10:32and it means we can speak about it, you know, more easily moving forwards
10:36We can really get things right with some of their desires and wishes for
10:40how they want things to be left and passed on
10:42and how they kind of want to be remembered as well
10:46Basically it's about preparing for us dying
10:51Things like who's going to be the executor
10:53Right
10:54Power of attorney
10:56All that sort of stuff
10:58But once it's been completed
10:59Yeah
11:00Everybody can have a copy
11:01Yeah
11:02Put it somewhere safe so you know where it is
11:04for when the day arrives
11:07Yeah
11:08A long way away at home
11:09Oh indeed
11:11I'm glad he feels okay about it
11:13because we can, you know, it's a start now, isn't it?
11:16We'll go through it and make some decisions
11:18Obviously there are important decisions to be made
11:20before we commit it to the paper, so to speak
11:23And we'll be back with Paul and Debbie later in the programme
11:26to find out how they got on
11:29I think people often put it off because they say
11:31oh it's so complex, I don't even know where to start
11:34there's so many considerations
11:36If you get the process started now, you know, this weekend
11:39sit down, have a look at it, you know, that's a really important first step
11:43So just get it out of the way now, your future self will thank you
11:46Sometimes though, even when you think you're across everything, you can run into problems
11:53Mum was a very traditional lady, very homely
11:58My dad, when he was mobile, would do an awful lot in the garden
12:03As an only child, Claire decided to plan ahead with her parents, William and Jean
12:09She got power of attorneys and wills set up in advance
12:13and made a conscious effort to stay on top of the admin
12:17Everything had been quite well organised really
12:21I had all the paperwork available to my fingertips
12:25but I hadn't explored what I actually needed to do in the event of bereavement
12:31In March 2023, William was admitted to hospital following a fall
12:37A few weeks later, Jean passed away at home
12:40William died in hospital shortly after
12:43So that was within a week of each other
12:46You just sit and ponder
12:51what do you do next and how do you do it?
12:54So some mornings I'd sit and just write out a list
12:57I can just remember spending virtually all day
13:01making telephone calls and writing notes down
13:05Claire became concerned after learning that her parents' bank, Halifax
13:10had only processed the payment for her father's funeral
13:13It was a glitch because her mother's name had been taken off their joint account
13:18but no one had let her know
13:20Nobody contacted me or rang me to say
13:23we've received this documentation
13:26but we're not able to pay it for this reason or whatever
13:29Nothing happened
13:31So I rang the Halifax
13:34Everything seemed to be
13:35Oh, I'll need to find out and call you back
13:38or just put you on hold for five minutes while you're waiting
13:42At that point in your life
13:44when you need that to be the most paramount customer service
13:48you could ever want to receive
13:50that is what it needs to be
13:53Months later, Claire also had problems with probate
13:57She sent off the paperwork for both parents
14:00in the same envelope at the same time
14:03but she received two very different replies
14:06One morning I had an email to say
14:09Dad's probate had been granted
14:11Seven minutes later I had another email
14:14about my mum's probate
14:17but when I opened that email
14:19that was asking about my father's whereabouts
14:22and why hadn't I mentioned him in the paperwork
14:25that had been submitted
14:26You do have to sit and think
14:28this is nothing that I'm doing wrong
14:31This is all these other companies and teams of people
14:35that are just not performing
14:38Both issues were ultimately resolved
14:41but it created extra admin and extra stress
14:44that Claire could have done without
14:46Halifax told us
14:48We recognise our service fell below what was expected of us
14:51at such a difficult time
14:53We've listened closely to what she's told us about the experience
14:56and we're sorry for the distress caused
14:59Meanwhile the Ministry of Justice
15:01which oversees the probate registry
15:03says although both forms were sent together
15:06by law each one has to be processed separately
15:09It told us
15:11We understand how distressing it can be
15:13to deal with paperwork after a bereavement
15:15We are always working to improve our guidance
15:18so it is clearer and easier for people to use
15:21Claire has now moved into her parents' bungalow
15:26but she's been left with a lifetime's worth of belongings
15:29to sort through and some difficult decisions to make
15:32So this cabinet has got many memories here
15:37with all the different crystal decanters
15:40These have lasted probably over 50 years
15:43They're rock solid armchairs
15:45Very difficult to know what to do with these
15:48As soon as you start doing something
15:50you start sifting and then you sit down
15:53you have another memory
15:56and you just put things to one side
16:03and think I'll do that next week
16:05A recent survey found 44% of UK adults
16:09find it difficult to get rid of items in their homes
16:12even if they've not used them in years
16:14and over a third of us feel overwhelmed by clutter
16:18These are not light subjects and light decisions to make
16:24So at a time when we feel sometimes most emotionally worn
16:29thread bare and find it difficult to cope ourselves
16:32then they can be difficult times
16:35when we're making some really important decisions
16:37Dealing with grief can be one of the hardest things
16:40we'll ever experience
16:42The prospect of our own death or losing others
16:45is something many of us avoid thinking about
16:48It's really, really important
16:50It's the one thing we are 100% certain of
16:53that we are going to die
16:54but people just don't want to talk about it
16:57It seems like a bit of a taboo really
16:59talking about your death in a way
17:01It's almost an acknowledgement or a commitment
17:06to something going wrong
17:08or something happening in your life
17:10that perhaps you don't really want to think about
17:14and I think people my age probably tend to put that off
17:18Not talking about death until we absolutely need to
17:21is for most of us entirely understandable
17:24It's not by far the easiest thing to talk about is it?
17:27But what we know is that if we open up the conversation
17:29and we start to have some of those conversations earlier
17:33before the death
17:34and it benefits us to do so
17:36One idea to help us get talking more about the topic
17:40is a death cafe
17:42Let's go and have our death cafe upstairs
17:46Chesham in Buckinghamshire
17:48is one of several areas which holds a regular death cafe
17:52The meetings are a confidential, private space
17:55to talk openly about death
17:57but today a group have agreed to meet for us
17:59and be filled
18:01It is about making it more acceptable to talk about death
18:06If we don't talk about it
18:07we're not going to do the things that we ideally do before we die
18:12The more you talk about it
18:14the more perspective you get
18:16There is nothing morbid about it
18:18It's such a natural part of life
18:20and that's what we have to get back to
18:23It's my first time at a death cafe here today
18:28It's always been something that I thought
18:30everyone should plan or be aware of
18:32and sort of have some control over
18:34I can say I was fortunate enough
18:37to be with both my parents as they died
18:41which was a really meaningful thing
18:44But dying can be expensive
18:49This year the average cost of a basic funeral
18:52hit an all-time high of nearly £4,300
18:57So it can pay to plan ahead
18:59Edward Cox works at a funeral home in Pontefract in West Yorkshire
19:04and despite being only 22
19:07every detail of his funeral
19:09is already meticulously planned and paid for
19:12I was 20 years old when I took the plan out
19:15and I had a lot of thought before
19:18then of what I'd really like
19:20All the people in my family thought
19:22oh you don't need to be thinking about that now
19:24but I thought why not
19:26why not get it sorted now
19:28So this is the dark oak
19:31and this is the coffin
19:33which I've chosen on my funeral plan
19:36and I would want all of the
19:38the lining to be emerald green
19:40inside the coffin
19:42I hope I live a long life
19:44and a happy life
19:45but it's there and it's in place
19:48whenever it needs to be used
19:49hopefully not for a long time
19:51it's an investment in the future
19:53it's out of my mind
19:55no I don't have to worry about it
19:57at all
19:58Edward is certainly bucking the trend
20:01according to research from Co-op Funeral Care
20:04only 5% of UK adults have a funeral plan in place
20:08and the average age that we take one out is 73
20:13I think as a younger person
20:15it feels a bit of a strange thing
20:17to sort of take out like a funeral plan in my 30s
20:20I think I've just thought if I do pass away
20:23I'll just have a pauper's funeral
20:25I think that's what they call it
20:27Yeah I think we do need to have that chat probably
20:29I don't want you dressing me up like a clown in my coffin or anything like that
20:35I've got the music prepared
20:37I've got the music prepared
20:38even the meal
20:39I've got that prepared
20:40so everything's in place
20:42I want to have a wicker basket
20:44so I'm cremated in that
20:47although it's all in the will
20:49I talk to my kids about it all the time
20:51what I want
20:52In Altrincham, Greater Manchester
20:55it's now two weeks since retirees
20:57Paul and Debbie started a conversation about their end of life wishes
21:01So significant possessions
21:04OK, well yours is definitely going to be your albums
21:07Oh yes, the vinyl collection
21:09Yeah, the vinyl
21:10That's pretty significant
21:12They've been busy planning and getting their affairs in order
21:16What would you like at the funeral?
21:18What songs?
21:20What kind of funeral?
21:22Poems?
21:23Eulogy?
21:24It needs a lot more thought
21:26so I think we can fill in some of it
21:28but I think we need to take more time
21:30It may be a while yet
21:33before they get all of the admin finished
21:35but they're feeling determined now
21:37after making a start
21:39And actually I wish we'd had it
21:41when my mother died for instance
21:43it would have made life a lot easier
21:45so it's well worth doing
21:47Absolutely
21:48Right, we must finish it off
21:51We must
21:53Back in Bristol
21:55Dorothy is trying to keep busy
21:57I'm going to start off by putting in some snowdrops and crocuses here
22:07I think Melvin would absolutely love it
22:10Four months have now passed since she lost her husband Melvin
22:14and apart from the power of attorney
22:16she feels they were well prepared for his passing
22:19They talked and they planned
22:21and she hopes their story will inspire others to do the same
22:26I console myself that we had nothing left unsaid
22:31we'd said the important things to each other
22:33If we hadn't had those conversations
22:36I think I would have been really floundering now
22:39I'm grieving, of course I'm grieving
22:41and I will grieve for a very long time
22:43but he's given me some kind of inner strength
22:48that even I didn't know that I had
22:51So have those difficult conversations
22:54know what's going to happen
22:56because it makes it easier when you lose a loved one
23:04And if you've been affected by any of the issues raised in this programme
23:08you can find details of organisations that offer advice and support on our website
23:13itv.com forward slash tonight
23:15For now, good evening and thank you for watching
23:18Coming up in two weeks time
23:21Kate Quilton looks at the rising cost of food
23:24Every time I come out the supermarket
23:27I'm annoyed
23:28because of the cost
23:30I just look at what I've got in my trolley
23:32and it's barely anything compared to what I used to get years ago
23:44Next on ITV1 we meet a woman searching for her older brother
23:47and a man determined to find his eldest daughter
23:50in brand new long lost family
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