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Taskmaster UK S20E06 >>> https://dai.ly/x9s8wla

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Fun
Transcript
00:00Oh, no!
00:05Hello?
00:13Hey!
00:18Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:33Hello! Welcome!
00:35Welcome to Taskmaster, a fun entertainment show
00:38in the same way that Chairman Mayer was a chilled-out wacky uncle.
00:45Let's take a great leap forward into fun!
00:49Please welcome...
00:50Anya Magliano!
00:53Maziana!
00:55Bill Ellis!
00:57Reece Shearsmith!
01:00And Sanjay Bhaskar!
01:04And next to me, a man who thinks that men should be men
01:07and women should be physically jacked up enough
01:10to be able to lift those men.
01:16It's...
01:17He likes a henchwoman...
01:18Little Alex Hall!
01:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:22So, I've got my special hat.
01:26It's my favourite hat.
01:27It's a bucket hat.
01:28Yeah.
01:29With our faces on.
01:30Yeah, nice.
01:31And inside, my bucket list.
01:32And my bucket hat.
01:34And the good news is, sort of good news, bad news,
01:35I've almost finished it, so not much to live for any more,
01:37but...
01:39Almost done.
01:40I've touched a horse.
01:41I've touched a motorbike.
01:42I've done most of them now.
01:44Three left.
01:45I've got to find an emerald, sell the emerald on the black market
01:48and buy a speedboat, and then I'm done.
01:50LAUGHTER
01:51Yeah, OK.
01:52So, what's the punchline?
01:53There's no...
01:54Well...
01:55The punchline to this bit is, find an emerald, sell it on the black market,
01:59buy a speedboat.
02:00Buy a speedboat.
02:01Yeah.
02:02LAUGHTER
02:03I guess I could try...
02:06Oh...
02:08There's an emerald, right?
02:09There's an emerald!
02:10Oh...
02:12I've found an emerald!
02:15Yeah, that's my bit done.
02:16Yeah, that's a good bit.
02:17That's it.
02:18Prize task.
02:19Please, my little whip it.
02:22I'll whip it in a minute, you cheeky minx.
02:27So, the prize task category is...
02:29..a possession that would most confuse a future archaeologist
02:34if you were buried holding it.
02:37Five points for the best possession, four new possessions for the winner.
02:40And now it's back to Flirty Bertie.
02:45Amazing.
02:46What thing did you bring in?
02:47I thought it'd be good to be buried with a defining piece of literature.
02:51So, I've got it here, as you see, written with Egyptian hieroglyphs.
02:55There's the front cover, and inside it looks like this.
02:58Hmm.
02:59What will be confusing for the people that eventually translate it
03:02is that this isn't actually an ancient Egyptian piece of literature.
03:05It's the Amanda Holden autobiography...
03:10..No Holding Back.
03:11Yes, it is.
03:12And it is a genuine translation into hieroglyphs of that work.
03:17Is the title No Holden Back, she's put...
03:19No, no, no, you'd think it would be.
03:21It's just...
03:22No, this is just No Holding Back.
03:24And you've converted it into Egyptian Hieroglyphics?
03:27Into Egyptian Hieroglyphics.
03:28Jesus Christ.
03:29Maisie, this is excellent.
03:31Phil, what have you brought in to confuse an archaeologist?
03:34Yes, it's a photograph of myself.
03:36And here it is.
03:37There we go.
03:38What?
03:39LAUGHTER
03:40You're on the right.
03:42LAUGHTER
03:43I think it's my 12th birthday.
03:46The thing is, we didn't have a dog.
03:48I have no idea without it.
03:49LAUGHTER
03:50No idea it is.
03:51Phil, why do you think it's going to confuse an archaeologist?
03:55It's congratulations.
03:56So they're going to think, is it a couple?
03:58LAUGHTER
04:00I reckon they'd find it confusing, but equally...
04:03I don't think they would, Phil.
04:04No.
04:05I think any archaeologist who finds this goes,
04:07well, here's just a picture of a weird kid and a dog.
04:09LAUGHTER
04:11Now then, Rhys, how are you going to confuse an archaeologist?
04:15I thought it would be unusual to be buried with something
04:18that could be...
04:19Well, you can't quite work out what it is,
04:22whether it's an omen, a portent, a curse.
04:26I came up with being buried with this.
04:29LAUGHTER
04:30It's a mirror with the words,
04:32is this you on it?
04:33So they'll open it up,
04:35they'll be like, like that,
04:36and they'll go...
04:37Snap the bones to have a look.
04:38And they're looking at themselves,
04:39but they don't quite know what the message means.
04:41Did I do it?
04:42Is it me?
04:43Is it me?
04:44Is it meant for them?
04:45Is it just a mirror with Tippex on it?
04:46LAUGHTER
04:48There have been quite a few examples of mirrors
04:50found at burial sites.
04:51Oh, right.
04:52And it has confused archaeologists.
04:53Oh!
04:54No-one knows quite why they were buried with them.
04:56Amanda Holden said she'd want to be buried
04:58with her mobile phone
04:59in case she wasn't dead,
05:00then she could use Insta.
05:01LAUGHTER
05:03Anya, what have you got?
05:05I brought in limited edition jelly beans.
05:09Yes, she made them.
05:11They look...
05:12LAUGHTER
05:13..like this.
05:14Dual flavour jelly beans.
05:17I did it all by hand.
05:19Cutting in half jelly beans,
05:20sticking them back together.
05:21So, yeah, I didn't actually think of using scissors,
05:23about halfway through my partner said you could use a knife.
05:26What were you using?
05:27What were you using?
05:28What were you biting them?
05:29Teeth?
05:30I was using my teeth, yeah.
05:31LAUGHTER
05:32I was sticking them back together.
05:33Some of them just went naturally
05:35and then some of them needed a bit of lubrication
05:37from the old tongue.
05:39Oh!
05:40No, no, no.
05:41So you think the archaeologist is going,
05:42oh, there's some jelly beans here.
05:44Wait a minute!
05:45LAUGHTER
05:46They've been bitten in half by some mad woman.
05:49LAUGHTER
05:50Oh, please, this...
05:52This is really nice that I...
05:54Anya, I'm telling you now,
05:55I've written down Anya one point.
05:57LAUGHTER
05:58I haven't even heard everyone's yet.
06:00LAUGHTER
06:01Can I just say, the mind is like a parachute.
06:03It works best when it's open.
06:04LAUGHTER
06:05You may...
06:06You may say that.
06:08Sanjeev is all to play for here.
06:11Well, this would be more confusing
06:13if someone else was found buried with it.
06:15OK, this is what Sanjeev has brought in.
06:17Oh.
06:18LAUGHTER
06:19So that is a sample of urine.
06:22LAUGHTER
06:23So, now, someone else found buried
06:26holding a sample of my urine.
06:27Sanjeev's first got this.
06:28Yeah, OK.
06:29And a pet treat gun.
06:31OK.
06:32A pet treat gun?
06:33Yeah.
06:34It launches treats into the air for the...
06:36Yeah, and then the creature jumps up and bites it.
06:37And then they jump up and get it.
06:38The creature!
06:39LAUGHTER
06:40You know, the gorilla.
06:42Like beef.
06:43You're a big dog lover, Rita.
06:45LAUGHTER
06:46Is there a link between the dog catcher and the urine?
06:50You're the archaeologist, who told me.
06:52LAUGHTER
06:53I think he's made his point very well, there.
06:55Well, shall we deal with Anya first?
06:56Yeah, Anya, one point.
06:57Oh.
06:58Dog boy.
06:59LAUGHTER
07:00Let's give him two.
07:01Two to Phil. Well done, Phil.
07:02Let's give the mirror three.
07:04I'm going to give four points to Sanjeev.
07:07Oh.
07:08So, five points to Maisie!
07:09Well done, Maisie Adam!
07:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:15Right, on we go.
07:16What have you got for me, Alex?
07:17Well, Greg, why don't you have a good old yank on this?
07:20LAUGHTER
07:37Hi.
07:40Anya.
07:41Hello.
07:42You blend in.
07:43To what? To the wall?
07:44Yeah, you look like the wall.
07:46Looks like an obstacle course of some kind.
07:48Yeah, quite an expensive one.
07:57Impressive.
07:59Pull something from that red-green
08:02onto this red-green using this string.
08:07Throughout your pull, you must remain on this red-green.
08:10Your thing must travel through or over all the obstacles.
08:14The biggest thing pulled onto this red-green wins.
08:19You have 15 minutes and one attempt.
08:21Your time starts now.
08:24OK, let me just have a look.
08:25Let me just walk the course.
08:27Like, in golf.
08:29LAUGHTER
08:30Very good.
08:32Urine.
08:33Didn't expect that.
08:35LAUGHTER
08:36Yeah.
08:37OK, so these are the things that...
08:40..I can choose?
08:41No, that's a rhino.
08:42That's going to be firing balls at your thing.
08:44Oh, OK.
08:45APPLAUSE
08:53Well, I don't think we need to mess around.
08:55Let's fire balls.
08:56That's a salt course.
08:57We start by watching Anya, Maisie and Rhys pulling on a thread.
09:00Here we go.
09:02Put a little person on that, maybe.
09:03Oh, that's lovely.
09:04Oh.
09:05I think he's going to go on there.
09:10Yeah.
09:11Nice, nice.
09:12Those are good wheels.
09:13Fuck off.
09:18That's pretty big.
09:19It's going to look like a baby.
09:21You're going to be dragging a baby through the obstacles.
09:23Yeah, it's like a metaphor for giving birth.
09:25Is it?
09:35Right, I'm doing it.
09:36Pulling.
09:38She's ready.
09:42So it's a steady pull of a pig.
09:43Yeah.
09:44Steady pig pull.
09:45Pull pork.
09:49Stop firing balls at my baby!
09:51If you had a doctor firing tennis balls as you were pulling it out of your...
09:56Are you allowed to say vagina on this show?
09:58Yeah, you can say vagina if you want.
10:00Vagina?
10:03Why is it going over to the other side?
10:05I specifically put the wheels so that it would come to me.
10:08It's going toward the rhino.
10:10Oh, come on.
10:11I don't understand what's happening with it.
10:14Oh, no.
10:16Alex, please, if you could help me out a little bit.
10:20Oh, thank you.
10:24Oh!
10:25Strike in the pig.
10:28You on the bridge?
10:32I think you might have to drag him.
10:33I'm going to drag him.
10:34I'm going to drag him.
10:35You have a minute and a half.
10:36OK.
10:39We have movement.
10:42Fuck off, Lionel.
10:44She's through the door.
10:46Don't lose your momentum.
10:47OK.
10:48I could cry.
11:02Can I go?
11:03Yes.
11:04Thanks.
11:05Yeah.
11:06It survived the saloon doors.
11:07What is a cervix if not a set of saloon doors?
11:14Uh-oh.
11:15Oh, no.
11:16She's caught on the ledge of the womb.
11:19I was going to snap.
11:20OK.
11:21What would you like me to do?
11:22Could you lift it higher, please?
11:24Yeah.
11:26Yeah, that worked.
11:27Final push.
11:29Congratulations.
11:30But I will have to tell Greg what I did.
11:33You were the midwife.
11:39No!
11:40Oh!
11:41He snapped!
11:43It's failed in its failure.
11:44Can I go and tie it?
11:45No.
11:46I'm going to do it.
11:47I don't care.
11:48OK.
11:49Come on.
11:50Oh, no.
11:51Come on!
11:53Oh!
11:55I'm just doing it round its neck.
11:56Yeah.
11:57Come on!
11:59Oh, the scarecrows!
12:01Oh, it's locked!
12:02Well done.
12:03So easy.
12:04Sorry about the sheep.
12:05You're a lot angrier than I imagined you to be, Maisie, before you came on the show.
12:23It's like a red mist that descends.
12:26And I've got points to bring up, by the way.
12:28Oh!
12:29You add assistance, you re-tied your knots.
12:32It said, stay on your green, pull something onto the green.
12:34It didn't say you couldn't get help, did it, in the task?
12:36Well, it's...
12:37I can't just, like, open the envelope and then ring people and be like, can you come and
12:41help me?
12:42Well, unless it says you can't do that.
12:43You can.
12:44All the information is on the task.
12:49Fuck off, Greg!
12:50Who would you have run and how would they have helped?
12:54My friend Jordan.
12:55He lives not too far from where...
12:57You know Jordan?
12:58Yeah.
12:59I like her.
13:02I don't mean I'd have run Katie Price.
13:04No?
13:05Why wouldn't you not have run Katie Price?
13:07I don't think she would have been best suited to the...
13:09We're getting off topic.
13:11What?
13:12My rope snapped and I accepted it and walked off.
13:16You've had your baby lifted up by him.
13:19Alex Horne.
13:20And then...
13:21You've gone and...
13:22You've come off your green to go and re-tie them.
13:24Yes.
13:25That's right.
13:26Yet, somehow, I'm the knobhead for not ringing Katie Price.
13:28LAUGHTER
13:30That...
13:31That...
13:32That saves me something out.
13:35Anya, this is one of those moments where a person's time on Taskmaster will be defined
13:40by one moment and I've asked Alex to capture it.
13:43Yes.
13:44This is you, Anya.
13:45The vagina.
13:46I don't think I've ever said it like that before in my life.
13:51LAUGHTER
13:52Um, she did well.
13:54Whatever Maisie might think, she stuck to the rules.
13:57Eh?
13:58I can't see a rule that Anya broke.
14:01Well, you lifted out her object out the pool.
14:04Yes, because...
14:05Because Anya asked him to and it doesn't say in the task that you shouldn't ask.
14:09It just seems like you're maybe not okay asking other people for help.
14:13LAUGHTER
14:15That is such a beautiful moment on this show.
14:21Yeah.
14:22We're talking about a task given to one competitor and now we're like, oh...
14:27Yes, I'll kick your nose out.
14:28Where are you?
14:29Help!
14:30It's got nothing to do with you.
14:31What happened?
14:32What happened?
14:33What happened?
14:34It's got nothing to do with you.
14:35Thank you, Ease.
14:36We haven't even gone through it.
14:37They're fighting again.
14:38They're fighting again.
14:39We've had enough of it.
14:41OK.
14:42I do love the way that you're contributing to the session.
14:46Well, that rage brings us on to your attempt very nicely, I think.
14:59I thought I was quite calm for me.
15:01I thought the madness kicked in when Alex suggested you drag the pig
15:05and you said, I'm going to drag him!
15:08And then you did, I think, £500 worth of damage by throwing a sheep at a scam.
15:14They were costly.
15:15Yeah.
15:17OK.
15:18Sorry.
15:21All right.
15:22We're going to stop for break number one.
15:24Time to book a holiday.
15:25Might as well.
15:26There won't be any party islands left soon.
15:28Just one big ocean ruled by a man with gills.
15:31Bye!
15:32Hello, everybody, and welcome back to Taskmaster.
15:43Before the break, we had a string thing going on.
15:46Yes, I suppose we did, because the contestants were battling it out
15:49in a war of tugs.
15:51There are just two muscle-bound guys left to pull the biggest object
15:55from one circle to the other.
15:56Are we still on tugs?
15:58It's our Victorian muscle man, Phil Ellis,
16:01and the world's strongest Sanjeev Bhaskar.
16:08This is interesting.
16:10I've taken the Reiner out of the equation.
16:17Big and light.
16:20Come on, then.
16:21What?
16:22I'm not sure you'll be able to pull me.
16:24Well, you've got to have some give.
16:25I mean, you've got legs, haven't you?
16:28Here's a big old boy!
16:29Ow, fuck!
16:32That looks so grim, didn't it?
16:35You're trying to tug me like a dog in a lead?
16:37Well, I wouldn't put it like that.
16:38I mean, look, I mean, I could put it round your neck.
16:42I mean, but I'm not going to.
16:44Right, I'm just going to tie this gently round your neck.
16:51They didn't expect to see that this morning
16:52when they went for a fly.
16:54Good?
16:56Well, that's no good, is it?
16:57I mean, you didn't help at all then, did you?
16:59Ten minutes left.
17:00I'll give you some money.
17:02Twenty quid.
17:07Oh, normally you go up on the second one.
17:12Well, I'll go twenty-five.
17:13Okay, have you got the money?
17:14No, not on me.
17:16How long have I got?
17:17Three minute thirty.
17:18Perfect.
17:21Give me a chance.
17:23Okay, I've got a few things here.
17:25I mean, that's obviously got a handle on it.
17:26Yeah, I like that.
17:27Yeah, that's good.
17:28I just want you, just to protect your head.
17:30Right.
17:31As well.
17:33Right.
17:34Here we go.
17:37Oh.
17:39We're off.
17:40I'm feeling a tug.
17:41Come on, Berlin.
17:43Come on, boy.
17:44Doesn't look happy.
17:45Come on.
17:46Let's get you to that glue factory, pal.
17:48I know what it's like.
17:49And what the hell was that?
17:51That's the rhino firing balls at himself.
17:53Don't do it.
17:54There's only three of you left.
17:58Good use of shield.
18:00Come on, Berlin.
18:01I'm going to put a small child on your back and charge them money for the privilege.
18:11You've got one minute.
18:15Nice work, Alex.
18:16Nice and steady.
18:19Come on, Berlin.
18:20He's doing all right, isn't he?
18:21Hey!
18:22Hey!
18:23There's not much pleasure you get in life that could beat dragging a lifeless horse over
18:27a child's paddling pool.
18:32What happens here, Sanjay?
18:33I mean, feel free to duck.
18:34I can't.
18:35Oh, can't you?
18:38How long have I got?
18:39Three.
18:40Oh, God, don't speak.
18:42How's that?
18:44Pretty good, isn't it?
18:50Excellent.
18:53Well done.
18:54Fake and sound.
18:55Helpful, Alex.
18:5625 quid.
18:58And that.
19:06Did you receive the £25 from Sanjay?
19:08No.
19:13Oh, yeah.
19:14I didn't have it on me then, but I do now.
19:18Because I made sure.
19:21So I didn't know when the task was on, but every show...
19:23Oh, did you?
19:25I've been carrying this around.
19:27APPLAUSE
19:31APPLAUSE
19:35Are you all right with this?
19:36No, I'm not.
19:37Are you all right with this?
19:38Are you all right with this?
19:39I think I may get enough points that I can be all right with it.
19:43LAUGHTER
19:48Phil, you've got incredibly emotionally attached to an inanimate object.
19:52Genuinely sweet.
19:53Well, I've never been involved in any kind of teamwork
19:55or, some would say, long-term friendship.
19:57So...
19:59You finally look where you can.
20:00You make your own friends.
20:01Exactly.
20:03Size-wise, it was about the size of the objects that made it over.
20:06Yeah.
20:07Sanjay's was the size of a baby, I suppose.
20:09Sanjay's was the same size as me.
20:11Weirdly, Phil's horse was the same size as you.
20:14It was 4.8 cubic feet, which famously you are.
20:17I think there's no doubt that Phil wins the task and gets five points.
20:20I think, what a great task as well, I'd like to say.
20:22LAUGHTER
20:24Are you happy that Sanjay dragged me to the other end?
20:26I'm afraid I am.
20:27Four points to Sanjay.
20:28Well done.
20:30Are you happy that Anya, with some help, got the baby to the other end?
20:33I am.
20:34Three points to Anya.
20:35OK.
20:37So, I guess, rules-wise, zero points to Maisie.
20:39And Rhys?
20:40He didn't complete the task, he broke the rules,
20:41so he can't have any points either.
20:42So, 0-0, but Phil Ellis is the winner of the task of five points!
20:45Come on, Maisie!
20:47APPLAUSE
20:48Can we see the scores, please?
20:51Yes, well, I can tell you, that was the first time that Phil has won a task so far.
20:56Yes!
20:57Oh, my God!
20:59Well done!
21:01And what a task to win as well.
21:02Oh, I know.
21:03And just by following the rules...
21:05LAUGHTER
21:07It means, Phil, you're in second place, but in the lead with eight points,
21:09it's Sanjay Pascar!
21:11APPLAUSE
21:12Shall we have another task?
21:15Ah, yes.
21:16Now, you...
21:17Would you...
21:18I don't want to make things tricky, but do you mind if I...
21:20Just...
21:21Do you want...
21:22Yeah.
21:23Would that be all right if I just...
21:24Yeah.
21:25Just...
21:31OK?
21:32Happy?
21:33Yeah.
21:35You?
21:36Not as happy as you.
21:37No.
21:39LAUGHTER
21:40OK, well, here we go.
21:41LAUGHTER
21:53Anya!
21:54Hello.
21:55Sanjeev!
21:59Not saying anything, eh? OK.
22:00Have a seat.
22:04Have a seat?
22:06No. Go on.
22:07Are you sure?
22:08Yeah.
22:09I mean, we're both meant to. Should we both try it?
22:10Yes.
22:11Look.
22:12You look like we're about to do a duet.
22:13I know.
22:15Let's go one cheek each.
22:16I've got a tiny arse, to be honest.
22:18I could probably do this.
22:24Ooh, it's awkward. I'm not getting cramped.
22:27Make things genuinely awkward.
22:29Most genuine awkwardness wins.
22:31You have 20 minutes.
22:33Your time starts now.
22:34That's really hard.
22:36Wait, wait.
22:37For who? For who?
22:38For who?
22:39It doesn't have to be for us.
22:41We could make Alex awkward.
22:49It's all right.
22:50Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:51Yeah.
22:52It's really awkward.
22:53I don't know.
22:54Can we just ask you some more questions?
22:58So, you know...
22:59Alex, just look away.
23:00I'm going to start taking my clothes off.
23:01Right.
23:02Alex, look at me.
23:03I'm about to start taking my clothes off.
23:04Oh, you want me to look at you?
23:05Yeah, yeah, yeah.
23:06I'm not looking at you.
23:07Right.
23:08Who do you think is the funniest, me or you?
23:11Er...
23:12Alex, who's funnier and who has been funnier?
23:14Have you two?
23:15Yeah.
23:16Oh, that's difficult.
23:17Is it awkward?
23:18But...
23:19For me, no.
23:20I can't wait to see the horrors of what you've got planned.
23:34I was immediately awkward by everything that happened in that.
23:37But I know it gets worse.
23:39Well, let's see the first team's attempt.
23:41And slightly awkwardly, it's the team of two,
23:43with Sir Shearsmith and Madam Adam.
23:46Thank you, everyone, for coming to, um, Josh's memorial.
23:55Um, as my son, he was obviously the apple of my eye
23:59and, um, we had such high hopes for him, yeah?
24:01Um, and one of the teachers that always used to, um, inspire him
24:05was Miss Reuben, Miss Reuben's here,
24:07who, um, has very kindly said, agreed to say a few words
24:11on, um, about Josh.
24:14I'll just go now.
24:15OK.
24:17Thanks so much.
24:18So, um...
24:21Yeah, it's, um...
24:22What was your name, sorry?
24:24Alex.
24:25Alex, Alex.
24:26My son was Josh.
24:27Yeah, yeah.
24:28He died.
24:29Yeah, yeah.
24:30So, as Alex has just said, um,
24:32I was fortunate enough to teach, uh, Jack...
24:36Josh, Josh.
24:37Yeah, Josh.
24:38Uh, a lively character.
24:40Not now, obviously.
24:42But, um, frankly, we had, uh...
24:45We had quite a few...
24:46Quite a few cleverer kids in the class.
24:50Um, in fact, I used to say cleverer,
24:52and then he'd put his hand up and go,
24:53Cleverer's not a word, actually!
24:55Um, which did used to rile me up.
24:58Just one of those people that thought you're smarter than he is.
25:00I'm not sure, though.
25:01And, uh, I always used to think, like, you know,
25:03I like father like son.
25:04Cos I remember you from a lot of parents' evenings.
25:07You never lost faith.
25:08I'll give that to you.
25:09You would always go,
25:10Oh, it's in there somewhere.
25:11And it wasn't.
25:12It was never there.
25:13It wasn't.
25:14And I tried, so...
25:16But thanks again for coming.
25:17Thanks again for coming.
25:18And God bless...
25:21...us all.
25:22Now my wife would like to say a few words.
25:24You know my wife, don't you?
25:25Yeah, I do know your wife.
25:26Cos I've seen you both together.
25:28Oh!
25:31Thank you for coming.
25:32Right.
25:33I'm leaving.
25:34OK.
25:35My own son's memorial.
25:36Cheers.
25:37That's Alex, Josh's dad there.
25:39Um, cake is served in the, um...
25:44..by the font.
25:47Wow!
25:52It was pretty strong, I thought.
25:54Yeah.
25:55Pretty excruciating.
25:56So they left the room,
25:57they just decided to do some improv about a funeral,
25:59came back in,
26:00so they didn't know what they were going to say,
26:01and it was tense in the room.
26:02And the teacher was having a...
26:04..a lesbian affair?
26:06Mm-hm.
26:07Well...
26:08We think so.
26:09We...
26:10We think so.
26:11Our idea was to do bad improv,
26:14because there's nothing worse or more awkward
26:16than improv when it's bad.
26:19Oh, I just thought you were bad at improv,
26:21but it was...
26:22We're at the halfway point of the episode.
26:25Advert time.
26:26What are you going to do about it?
26:27What are you looking at?
26:28Shut up.
26:29Shut up.
26:38Hello, and welcome back to the start of part three.
26:40Getting some awkward before the break,
26:42and it's not about to get any less awkward now, is it, Alex?
26:44That's right.
26:45Most genuine awkwardness wins,
26:46and now it's time for the team of three,
26:48who, let's face it, are awkward just to look at.
26:51It's Anya, Phil and Sanjeev.
26:55You're back.
26:56Alex, would you mind...
26:57Just come in and sit there.
26:58Just have a seat.
27:01If you could...
27:02Just grab that.
27:04Do I need this?
27:05No, you don't need that.
27:09Thank you, Sanjeev.
27:10Hello, Anya.
27:11It's better for us if you're just honest.
27:16You know, which one of us would you rather have sex with?
27:26Your answer here would either make you a racist or a sexist.
27:32Bearing in mind I'm 15.
27:36How old are you, Sanjeev?
27:38I'm older than 15.
27:39I'll have sex with you, Sanjeev.
27:41I think that's sexist.
27:44Because, I mean, during the week,
27:45you were very happy to kind of contemplate the bits.
27:48My body.
27:49Yeah, exactly.
27:50You remember what you called my hole?
27:55It was French.
27:56Sound French.
27:57Was it Les Coles a school?
27:58You called my bumhole a school.
28:02We've got...
28:03We have got another thing you could help us with
28:05to maybe make it feel better,
28:07which is that you could wash our baby.
28:10I don't mind washing your baby.
28:11OK.
28:12Excellent.
28:13My baby.
28:23Baby's so dirty.
28:24Right.
28:25Don't like that.
28:26Please be thorough.
28:27Thorough.
28:28Do your knees.
28:29Are you still dirty?
28:30Baby hungry.
28:31No.
28:32No.
28:33No.
28:34Baby hungry.
28:35Baby hungry.
28:36Baby hungry.
28:37Baby hungry.
28:38No.
28:40No.
28:41No.
28:42No.
28:43No.
28:44No.
28:45No.
28:47No.
28:50No...
28:53..go to sleep.
28:58I'm 43.
28:59Yeah, I'm 46.
29:09I mean, what's wrong with you?
29:11Jeez.
29:16The word hole.
29:18The word hole was horrible.
29:21But I wasn't expected to be...
29:23OK.
29:24..to be an anal sex writer.
29:26Yeah, it was not the vagina.
29:30Yeah.
29:31This is going to be a challenge for the children's version of this show.
29:36I would argue you can't show footage of a grown man sucking
29:40from another man's teeth.
29:43We did not plan that bit.
29:45No.
29:46Well, they left me on my own.
29:47What was that spontaneous, then?
29:48I panicked.
29:51We're also very aware that you've played the very short version
29:54of what happened.
29:56LAUGHTER
29:58I mean, I'm horrified by both teams' efforts,
30:01but I would give one more point to the team of three.
30:04So I would give them five points and the team of two, four points.
30:07There we go. Well done, both teams.
30:08Well done, both teams.
30:09APPLAUSE
30:13Right, let's have another task, Alex.
30:15And guess who forgot where he put the paintbrushes?
30:18LAUGHTER
30:19Oh, hello.
30:20Hello, Anya.
30:21How are you?
30:22Uh, tickety-boo.
30:23Yeah?
30:24Um, I'm well, if you're bothered.
30:25No, I'm just here to record what happens.
30:26Right.
30:27Do the most accurate finger-painting of the person
30:30on the screen.
30:31Do the most accurate finger-painting of the person
30:34on the screen.
30:35Oh, hello.
30:36Hello, Anya.
30:37How are you?
30:38Uh, tickety-boo.
30:39Yeah?
30:40Um, I'm well, if you're bothered.
30:41No, I'm just here to record what happens.
30:42Right.
30:43Do the most accurate finger-painting of the person
30:56on the other end of the phone.
30:58You may only use four-letter words when speaking to them.
31:03And every other reply will be a lie.
31:06You have a total of ten minutes.
31:08Your time starts when the phone rings.
31:10Good luck.
31:11OK.
31:14PHONE RINGS
31:15And we're off.
31:16PHONE RINGS
31:18Erm, hello?
31:20PHONE RINGS
31:21Hi-hi!
31:22APPLAUSE
31:24Hi-hi!
31:28Four-letter word seems an unusually cruel rule.
31:31It's tricky. Very tricky.
31:32I don't think there's much to discuss.
31:34Let's just crack on and do some finger-painting.
31:36Yes, the person they are painting can only say the truth
31:39every other answer.
31:41First to finger-paint are Anya and Sanjeev.
31:44PHONE RINGS
31:46Hiya.
31:48Hello. How are you?
31:50Er, fine, thank you.
31:52Er...
31:54Er...
31:55Cool.
31:57Er...
31:58Cool?
31:59I'm cool, yeah.
32:00Great.
32:01What...
32:03Er...
32:04Head?
32:05I do have a head.
32:07Face?
32:08I do have a face, yes.
32:10Chin?
32:11Er, I have three chins.
32:14That does...
32:15OK.
32:16A little more complicated than I thought.
32:20Size?
32:21Nose?
32:22Er, I don't have a nose.
32:23They don't have a nose.
32:24Oh, that's a lie.
32:25We're narrowing this down.
32:26Er, name?
32:28Er, John.
32:30John.
32:32So this is something that I do want to know.
32:37Sexy?
32:39Er, very.
32:41And that's true.
32:44John?
32:45No, my name's not John.
32:46My name's Andrew.
32:48OK.
32:49Er, John?
32:50Er, yes, my name's John.
32:52Er, hair?
32:54Er, no, I'm bald.
32:55Oh.
32:56Hair?
32:57Er, yes, I do have hair.
32:59Are you working out a tactic here?
33:00Not really.
33:02What I'm doing.
33:04What, where, use?
33:08Yeah.
33:09Like here, straight from work, straight from the kitchen.
33:12So I do think they're in a chef outfit.
33:14Any idea what John's wearing?
33:15No, I can't find another word in my head for...
33:19clothes.
33:21Mess upon your garb?
33:25No, I wouldn't say suit.
33:26Suit?
33:27I'm not wearing a suit, no.
33:28Suit?
33:29Er, yes, I am wearing a suit.
33:31Long hand?
33:33Er, yeah, I do have a long hand.
33:34Oh, that's a lie.
33:35Oh, shoe size?
33:37Er, small.
33:38Small.
33:39Small.
33:40He's got small feet with his short hands, has he?
33:43Sounds like a right catch.
33:45Ring?
33:47No, I wouldn't say so.
33:55You haven't said anything to John for a minute now.
33:57I can't multitask.
33:58That's the problem.
33:59Ah, wrong show.
34:00You're going to have to hang up on John in a second.
34:02Any final words?
34:03Erm, love?
34:04Love?
34:06Y-you.
34:09I do love.
34:11I think we had a real connection there.
34:13Bats.
34:16Bats.
34:18I love bats.
34:20Excellent.
34:21Right, well, thank you so much, Sandy.
34:24Thank you very much for that.
34:27Ah!
34:28You're kidding!
34:29Oh, my God.
34:36Were you behind me the whole time?
34:38Yeah.
34:39APPLAUSE
34:40What did you mean, bats?
34:41Bats?
34:42Yeah, I mean, it didn't mean anything other than bats.
34:43It was a minute and a half of silence, then bats, bats, hang up.
34:44LAUGHTER
34:45Anya just seemed to be on a dating app, as far as I can.
34:47It looked like...
34:48I think I looked like I was on a dating app, and then I say this with the utmost respect to Sanjeev,
35:05it looked like he was a person getting scammed.
35:08LAUGHTER
35:14We can see Anya's and Sanjeev while we're on the subject of them.
35:16So, Anya drew this.
35:18Not...
35:19Not terrible.
35:20The right sort of clothing.
35:22The gentleman is here.
35:23That's pretty good.
35:24The essence of the show.
35:25It's surprisingly all right, isn't it?
35:27Yeah.
35:28Flip over to Sanjeev.
35:29Bats, bats!
35:30Oh, my God!
35:31You see the bat?
35:32I think if you took his hat off, I don't think that's too far off.
35:35Well, let's have a look at him.
35:36It's not a million miles, it's not as far as I thought it'd be.
35:39Well, it's a man.
35:40LAUGHTER
35:41Both better than I thought they would be.
35:43Right, one part to go.
35:45Who will amass the points needed to stand victorious on the stage?
35:49Sanjeev's second urine sample of the series is not going to win itself!
35:53APPLAUSE
35:54Hello!
35:56It's the final part of the show and we've gone back to preschool for some finger painting.
36:08Yes, Mr Davis, they're trying to paint the man on the other end of the phone,
36:12in the phone box that was directly behind them.
36:15Remember, they may only use four-letter words when speaking to him,
36:18every other reply will be a lie.
36:20Remember that.
36:21LAUGHTER
36:22Maisie, Phil and Rhys, remember that.
36:25LAUGHTER
36:26PHONE RINGS
36:29Hello?
36:30Well, they won't reply to that.
36:31Hiya.
36:32Hello.
36:33Erm...
36:36Face?
36:37I do have a face, yes.
36:40Nice face.
36:41I've actually got a pretty ugly face, to be honest.
36:44Oh, OK.
36:45Sorry to hear that.
36:46Erm...
36:52Erm...
36:56Name.
36:57Andrew.
37:01Am I expected to know this, Andrew?
37:03You expected to paint him?
37:05Hair.
37:06Hair.
37:07I don't have any hair.
37:09Eyes?
37:12I do have eyes.
37:13Blue?
37:14They are blue, yes.
37:15Ah.
37:17We're off.
37:18We're off, great.
37:19Eyes blue?
37:20My eyes are not blue, they're hazel.
37:23Right.
37:25I don't even think that's a colour, that's grey.
37:27Why have I got grey from green and red?
37:29You don't have to answer that, they weren't four-letter words.
37:31It's just nice to know you're there.
37:32High nose?
37:34Have high nose?
37:35Yes, high.
37:37Blue nose?
37:38I also have a blue nose, yes.
37:40You have a blue nose?
37:41Oh, come on, what is this, Papa Smurf?
37:44Hair.
37:45I do have hair, yes.
37:46Lots.
37:47No, I'm bald.
37:48You just said you had hair, mate.
37:49I was going to ask him if he had big ears, but if I had said ears, he wouldn't know that. I mean size, would he?
37:59Ears?
38:00Size.
38:01I've got small ears.
38:02Oh, I've got big ones.
38:03Body?
38:04I do have a body, yes.
38:05Bigs?
38:06Yes, large.
38:07He's got a bigs body, doesn't he?
38:08Coat?
38:09Yes, I am wearing a coat.
38:10Cool coat?
38:11I would say it was quite cool, yeah.
38:12He's got a cool coat, isn't he?
38:13Yeah, it's a black leather jacket.
38:14I think it might be Danny Zuko.
38:15What make jobs?
38:16I make spaghetti bolognese.
38:17That's your job.
38:18Spag.
38:19Ball.
38:20Two L's.
38:21No, that's not right.
38:22That's not right.
38:23I don't think I care.
38:24Can I ask you something, Rhys?
38:25Yeah.
38:26How are you getting on with the truth and lie system of this?
38:28Have you remembered that?
38:29Oh.
38:30Oh.
38:31Oh.
38:32Oh.
38:33Oh.
38:34Oh.
38:35Oh.
38:36Oh.
38:37Oh.
38:38Oh.
38:39Oh.
38:40Oh.
38:41Oh.
38:42Oh.
38:43Oh.
38:44Oh.
38:45Oh.
38:46Oh.
38:51I hadn't been considering that.
38:55Right.
38:56I'm off now.
38:57You've been really, really unhelpful.
39:01Goodbye, Andrew.
39:02Nice talking to you, liar.
39:04Oh, yes.
39:06I'm going to miss our chats.
39:08Yeah.
39:09Not good for my blood pressure, this, you know.
39:11I need this.
39:12I need this.
39:13Oh, yes.
39:14Oh, yes!
39:15No, no.
39:16The fact that they all made the same mistake is fascinating enough.
39:21I think we should just see the pictures.
39:24Yeah.
39:25Let's get to the goods.
39:26Maisie was furious that he wasn't apparently telling the complete truth,
39:30and this is what she painted with her fingers.
39:32You liar!
39:38The info I got was blue-nosed spaghetti bolognese and no body,
39:42so I think I genuinely left that caravan thinking, nailed that.
39:46I've smashed this. Yeah.
39:48You thought that man was on the end of the line?
39:51So Maisie did that, Phil did this. Ooh!
39:54Ooh! That'd be cool.
39:56Yeah, I mean, straight away you went to Fonz.
39:58Yes!
40:00Rhys, renowned artist, did this.
40:11What was the answer to the question, Biggs?
40:16Why did I think very definitely red shoes?
40:18How could I have got that from him?
40:20And that's the thing that worries you about your drawing.
40:23All five with our chef Andrew, that's his name, here.
40:27It's not really about who's good at art, cos maybe...
40:30You know, you could say I've captured his spirit.
40:32LAUGHTER
40:34The rule was, do the most accurate...
40:36Oh, now we're in the rules, are we?
40:38LAUGHTER
40:40So, here we go.
40:41Point. Yes.
40:42Least accurate first, please, Greg.
40:44Well, I don't think that Maisie will be annoyed with me for this.
40:47You think wrong.
40:48LAUGHTER
40:49Because with the best will in the world,
40:51as charming a character as that is,
40:53it does not look like a human.
40:55So, one point for Maisie.
40:57One to Maisie, good.
40:58And I'll give Sanjeev two points.
41:00Ooh, I love you, Sanjeev. Two points.
41:02Phil, three points.
41:03Phil, three, OK.
41:04Um, Rhys has captured his haunted look.
41:07See?
41:08But, you know, Anya's...
41:10I mean, somehow, that...
41:12LAUGHTER
41:13Forgive me, Anya.
41:14Shit painting...
41:16LAUGHTER
41:17..does look most like the chef.
41:19Wow.
41:20So, against all odds, she takes five points.
41:22Wow, there we go.
41:23Anya, five points!
41:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:28Right.
41:29One of the scores, Alex.
41:30I can tell you that in the series,
41:32Phil and Sanjeev are joint last with 70 points each,
41:35but in this episode, they're joint first with 15 points each.
41:39Oh, yeah!
41:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:44All right, everyone,
41:45can you make your way to the stage for the final task of the show?
41:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:54Hello, you angel.
41:55Hello.
41:56Who will be leaving the task?
41:57I think Sanjeev should.
41:59OK.
42:01Eat the lame duck or don't eat the lame duck?
42:06I'm going to stop you there.
42:07Is there an accent on the e?
42:10LAUGHTER
42:15Yes, there is.
42:17I EAT the lame duck.
42:19LAUGHTER
42:21That's good!
42:22APPLAUSE
42:23That's good.
42:24Thank you very much.
42:25OK, here we go.
42:26Eat the lame duck or don't eat the lame duck?
42:29lame duck. If you are the only person to eat the lame duck, you win five points and everybody
42:35else loses one point. If more than one person eats the lame duck, all lame duck eaters lose
42:42three points and the lame duck refusers gain three points. If no one eats the lame duck,
42:49you must each give Greg 25 pounds. If everyone eats the lame duck, Alex will give you each
42:5925 pounds. You have two minutes. You've got to make the choice. Do you eat the duck or not eat the duck?
43:08Vegan chocolate, I will tell you now, it's delicious. Are you ready? Yeah. Eat or not eat
43:13vegan lame ducks. Listen, I say we all eat it. Yeah. We all get 25 quid. Yeah.
43:19We all lose three points. Yeah. What? We don't lose three points if you eat it. Because if more
43:24than one person eats the duck, all the duck eaters lose three points. Well, that is true. But that
43:28leaves us where we are anyway. We're all 25 quid richer. Yeah. But three points less. Yeah,
43:35but across the board. Yeah. But you're already 25 quid down today. That's why you... Well, don't
43:40worry about me. I want to eat the duck because it smells really good. Not a good reason. Well, then,
43:46news, you can eat the duck and get 25 pounds. That feels like the win-win. How do you do
43:52that? By eating the duck? We all eat the duck. We all eat the duck. If we all eat...
43:57As someone... If we all eat the duck, we'll all get 25 pounds and no points. But if one of you
44:04fails to uphold their end of the bargain... Yeah, but we won't because we'll all eat the duck.
44:07Why don't you all pass me your ducks? Now. And then we'll now, won't we? Quick as you
44:14can. Yeah, but do we trust Phil not to eat all the ducks? Well, that would be the thing,
44:19wouldn't it? We each have our duck. We can eat it. If all of us do it. I was voted most trustworthy
44:26person in my primary school. 22 seconds of decision. Oh, no. What do we reckon?
44:37I ate mine. You're going to eat yours? I'm going to eat mine. No. What? Are you eating them?
44:44Five seconds left. Are we eating them now? Yes. Three. Are we eating them?
44:48Eight, eight, eight. No!
44:51Oooooooooh!
44:56Did someone not eat their duck? We will find out.
44:59We will find out. I did not expect that to be so exciting.
45:05Alex, come and clear up. Come down here and join me and we'll see how that's
45:08affected the final score.
45:10APPLAUSE
45:13Well, well, well. Any duck gobbling treachery?
45:21There was a bit. I think they all agreed to eat their duck.
45:24Did somebody not? Somebody did not.
45:27Oh!
45:29Murder, most foul!
45:31Are you joking? Who? Who?
45:35Rhys, is it you?
45:37Yeah. Oh! Rhys!
45:40Rhys! Rhys Sheersmith did not eat his duck and if only one person
45:44didn't eat his duck, everyone else loses three and he gains three.
45:48Wow. Wow. Noted.
45:50You know why that happened? I didn't understand the rules.
45:53LAUGHTER
45:55Sure you didn't get the rules, Macbeth.
45:57LAUGHTER
45:59Rhys!
46:00But there's more, Greg.
46:01Argh!
46:03LAUGHTER
46:05And this time I want to show you this.
46:07What do you mean?
46:08He didn't eat his duck.
46:11I've still got it.
46:14I sucked all the gold off.
46:16LAUGHTER
46:18What does that mean, though?
46:19It means I'm now worth more than I ever have been.
46:22LAUGHTER
46:24If more than one person eats the lame duck, all lame duck eaters,
46:28that's Anya, that's Maisie, that's Sanjeev.
46:30Lose three points and the lame duck refuses.
46:32That's Phil, that's Rhys.
46:34Gain three points.
46:35So well done, Phil.
46:36Well done, Rhys.
46:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:39Wow.
46:40Which means that Maisie's now at the bottom of the table
46:42with seven points, but way above her with 18 points.
46:45For the first time he's won an episode, it's Phil Aless!
46:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:49Phil Aless has won!
46:51Please make sure you're saved from a tree and your future
46:54archaeological tree!
46:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:57LAUGHTER
46:58APPLAUSE
47:16APPLAUSE
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