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Tonight - Season 2025 Episode 25
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00:00tonight the importance of planning ahead I don't think people realize the chaos
00:12that we can leave behind by not getting plans in place do you know your rights
00:18I remember going to my car crying my eyes out because I thought they are really going to take
00:25my man away from me after 49 years and how talking can help if we don't talk about it we're not going
00:33to do the things that we ideally do before we die the more you talk about it the more perspective
00:40you get good evening and welcome to the tonight program it's a topic many of us put off thinking
00:47about but the decisions we do or don't make when we're alive can make a huge difference to those
00:52we leave behind whether it's wills taxes or funerals working out what to do and how to do it can be a
00:59daunting task so what should be on your checklist and is now the time to get your affairs in order
01:22we're living in uncertain times with the cost of living crisis and increasingly turbulent global
01:31events many of us may choose to survive one day at a time but should we be looking much further ahead
01:37so many people die and then the relatives haven't got a clue what's happening it feels like if we get
01:46things in order it will actually make everything better we've set up a sofa in this charity store in
01:54Bolton to find out from shoppers how prepared they are I have wills I have two powers of attorney
02:00my daughter knows where I want my what my ashes scattering I don't think people realize the chaos
02:08that they can leave behind by not getting plans in place the only thing I've really thought of is life
02:14insurance but when it comes to anything further than that I don't think I've really done much I've got
02:21absolutely everything prepared because it's inevitable death we all know about that don't
02:26we it gives you peace of mind knowing on your deathbed everything's everything's all prepared it's
02:32about being practical really and not leaving things for other people to do because it gets quite
02:38complicated it doesn't seem important it's like I'll do that later yeah yeah it's like a back burner
02:45thing like putting the bins out or doing the dishes just ah I'll do it when I need to do it we
02:53don't know what's going to happen in our lives so getting things like power of attorney and a will in
02:58place really does give you the opportunity to be in control and actually it's quite compassionate for
03:04your loved ones as well because then it gives them an opportunity to understand what your wishes are
03:11this is us on our wedding day looks so happy dorothy from bristol and her husband melvin were together
03:19for 49 years such a beautiful smile everybody said melvin had the most wonderful smile
03:24we were rolling high on a on a lovely life together and then our life changed very very dramatically
03:34after experiencing problems with balance melvin was diagnosed with the rare brain condition ataxia
03:41his health deteriorated quickly and dorothy became his full-time carer so they decided it was time to
03:48get their affairs in order when we got the will we were like oh the will that's the biggest thing
03:55that you can do isn't it you know the will and you know the wishes about you know his funeral arrangements
04:00and things like that and financially that's all sort of put in place we could have had the power of
04:06attorney drawn up at the same time through our solicitor who drew up the will but i naively thought that
04:14as his wife that gave me a lot of rights so why would i want to spend a lot of money on something
04:22that was giving me what i thought i already had yeah that went wrong for us i'm afraid we
04:27we learned a very harsh lesson six months ago melvin was admitted to hospital with pneumonia
04:34and dorothy was told he may not be allowed to return home
04:37they didn't think that he had the mental capacity to make his own decisions about his care and
04:43therefore they were concerned about him being discharged and coming home to me and i said well
04:49i'll just take him home i'm his wife you know i'm his carer and they said do you have power of attorney
04:55that question do you have power of attorney and i went no and they went well we override that
05:02i remember going to my car crying my eyes out because i thought they are really going to take
05:08my man away from me after 49 years dorothy was asked to prove that melvin did have mental capacity
05:17and that she was still able to care for him only then was he allowed home and i immediately immediately
05:25started to put in place the power of attorney it made me panic and it made me very frightened and
05:31um i had to put my practical head on and i had to get it all in place but the irony of it like a
05:39month after i got in place he passed there are different types of power of attorney and they
05:47vary further in scotland and northern ireland but if used correctly they can all be a vital legal tool
05:54however a recent survey found that 78 percent of uk adults aged over 40 don't have one
06:02they often think that because they're married to somebody for example or they're a relative
06:06that they already have those rights and authorities but in a health care setting people are you know
06:11very clear that it has to be that legal document of power of attorney what's really important about
06:17it is you set it up while you still have mental capacity so you could essentially get it registered at
06:22any age and actually we say you know this is not an old person problem this is actually a kind of
06:28emergency backup in the same way you might have a rainy day fund another way to help make sure your
06:34wishes are followed is to make a will a will is really an opportunity for you to set out where you
06:42want all your assets to go when you're no longer there it means that your family and friends know
06:48exactly what your wishes are and it makes life easy for them but it's estimated over half of uk
06:55adults aged 18 and over don't have a will and it's a similar figure even in the older age bracket of 50
07:02to 64. it's not difficult or time consuming or expensive there's lots of charities for example
07:08that are part of different schemes like free wills month or wills aid that will allow you to get a
07:14will either an individual or a couple written for free of charge please don't delay it's so easy to
07:20delay it but we never know what's around the next corner without sort of off-the-cuff conversations
07:27haven't we just at home over dinner or something but we don't have anything down in writing i'll
07:32probably write it in a book somewhere and hope you find it knowing what my mum's drawers look like
07:38very scary i've made it very clear with my will about who gets exactly what we were in our early 30s
07:46when we made our first will we've always changed it to make sure it reflects the situation that we're in
07:52no i've not made a will yet i am a solicitor but i don't deal with will so it's something that i've
07:59thought about i think i'm just waiting to retire and then put something in place then i think
08:06if you don't make a will then what's called the laws of intestacy apply and the state gives effect to
08:14how your estate will be divided the rules are actually quite complicated and if you've got a
08:21partner a cohabitee then that cohabitee even after 20 years will get nothing if you haven't made a will
08:30so it's particularly important but just the thought of end of life admin can be overwhelming like many
08:39retired couples paul and debbie from altringham in greater manchester have made a start now they need
08:45some guidance on what to do next we have got a will which we made a long time ago yeah and that does
08:54need updating that does need revising yeah it does but that's a that's it really we definitely need to
09:00start doing something about it sooner than later really yes absolutely absolutely age uk's life book
09:09is one of many tools designed to help it has a detailed checklist of areas to consider and paul
09:15and debbie are hoping it will guide them in the right direction okay so it's got six sections here
09:24so personal details yeah okay medical health work contacts put all the details of the bank
09:35your will funeral wishes what songs do you want played or some i have to think about that one up
09:46until now and not giving it that degree of thought i think we need to decide about certainly about the
09:53funeral and what we want to happen and music and yeah and about obsessions as well that was another thing
10:00now it's really designed to take people through a thought process we're trying to make sure as
10:06much as possible all the different parts of someone's life is captured and importantly have
10:11the conversation with your loved ones or with your close family friends and make sure they know what
10:15your wishes would be if the worst was to happen paul and debbie have decided to take that advice
10:22by having a chat with their eldest son jamie kind of felt a bit awkward at first when they wanted to
10:28talk about that and they wanted to kind of bring it up but i'm glad we did it actually and it means
10:33we can speak about it you know more easily moving forwards we can really get things right with with
10:38some of their desires and wishes for how they want things to be left and passed on and and how they
10:44kind of want to be remembered as well basically it's about preparing for um us dying things like who's
10:52going to be the executor power of attorney all that sort of stuff but once it's been completed
10:59yeah everybody can have a copy yeah put it somewhere safe so you know where it is for when
11:04the uh the day arrives yeah a long way away i hope oh indeed i'm glad he feels okay about it because we
11:14can you know it's a start now isn't it we'll go through it and make some decisions obviously there are
11:19important decisions to be made before we commit it to the paper so to speak and we'll be back with
11:24paul and debbie later in the program to find out how they got on i think people often put it off
11:30because they say oh it's so complex i don't even know where to start there's so many considerations if
11:36you get the process started now you know this weekend sit down have a look at it you know that's
11:41a really important first step so just get it out of the way now your future self will thank you
11:46sometimes though even when you think you're across everything you can run into problems
11:54mom was a very traditional lady very homely my dad when he was mobile would do an awful lot in the garden
12:04as an only child claire decided to plan ahead with her parents william and gene she got power of
12:11attorneys and wills set up in advance and made a conscious effort to stay on top of the admin
12:18everything had been quite well organized really i had all the paperwork available to my fingertips but
12:25i hadn't explored what i actually needed to do in the event of bereavement in march 2023 william was
12:34admitted to hospital following a fall a few weeks later gene passed away at home william died in
12:41hospital shortly after so that was within a week of each other you just sit and ponder what do you do
12:52next and how do you do it so some mornings i'd sit and just write out a list i can just remember spending
13:00virtually all day making telephone calls and writing notes down claire became concerned after
13:07learning that her parents bank halifax had only processed the payment for her father's funeral
13:13it was a glitch because her mother's name had been taken off their joint account but no one had let her
13:19know nobody contacted me or rang me to say we've received this documentation but we're not able to pay it
13:27for this reason or whatever nothing happened so i rang the halifax everything seemed to be oh i'll need
13:36to find out and call you back or just put you on hold for five minutes while you're waiting at that
13:43point in your life when you need that to be the most paramount customer service you could ever want to
13:49receive that is what it needs to be months later claire also had problems with probate
13:58she sent off the paperwork for both parents in the same envelope at the same time but she received two
14:04very different replies one morning i had an email to say dad's probate had been granted seven minutes
14:12later i had another email about my mum's probate but when i opened that email that was asking about my
14:20father's whereabouts and why hadn't i mentioned him in the in the paperwork that had been submitted
14:27you do have to sit and think this is nothing that i'm doing wrong this is all these other companies
14:34and teams of people that are just not performing both issues were ultimately resolved but it created
14:42extra admin and extra stress that claire could have done without halifax told us we recognize our
14:50service fell below what was expected of us at such a difficult time we've listened closely to what she's
14:55told us about the experience and we're sorry for the distress caused meanwhile the ministry of justice
15:01which oversees the probate registry says although both forms were sent together by law each one has
15:08to be processed separately it told us we understand how distressing it can be to deal with paperwork
15:14after a bereavement we are always working to improve our guidance so it is clearer and easier for people
15:21to use claire has now moved into her parents bungalow but she's been left with a lifetime's worth of
15:29belongings to sort through and some difficult decisions to make so this cabinet has got many
15:37memories here with all the different crystal decanters these have lasted probably over 50 years
15:43they're rock solid armchairs very difficult to know what to do with these as soon as you start doing
15:50something you start sifting and then you sit down you have another memory
16:00and you just put things to one side and think i'll do that next week
16:06a recent survey found 44 percent of uk adults find it difficult to get rid of items in their homes
16:12even if they've not used them in years and over a third of us feel overwhelmed by clutter
16:18these are not light subjects and light decisions to make so at a time when we feel sometimes most
16:28emotionally worn threadbare and find it difficult to cope ourselves then they can be difficult times
16:34where we're making some really important decisions dealing with grief can be one of the hardest things
16:40we'll ever experience the prospect of our own death or losing others is something many of us avoid
16:47thinking about it it's really really important it's the one thing we are 100 certain of that we are going
16:54to die but people just don't want to talk about it it seems like a bit of a taboo really talking about
17:00your death in a way it's almost a acknowledgement or a commitment to something going wrong or something
17:09happening in your life that perhaps you don't really want to think about and i think people my age
17:15probably tend to put that off not talking about death until we absolutely need to is for most of
17:22us entirely understandable it's not by far the easiest thing to talk about is it but what we know is
17:28that if we open up the conversation and we start to have some of those conversations earlier before
17:33the death it benefits us to do so one idea to help us get talking more about the topic
17:40is a death cafe let's go and have our death cafe upstairs chesham in buckinghamshire is one of several
17:49areas which holds a regular death cafe the meetings are a confidential private space to talk openly about
17:56death but today a group have agreed to meet for us and be filled it is about making it more
18:03acceptable to talk about death if we don't talk about it we're not going to do the things that
18:10we ideally do before we die the more you talk about it the more perspective you get there is nothing
18:17morbid about it it's such a natural part of life and that's what we have to get back to
18:22it's my first time at a death cafe here today it's always been something that i thought
18:30everyone should plan or be aware of and sort of have some control over i can say i was fortunate enough
18:38to be with my both my parents as they died which was a really meaningful thing
18:44but dying can be expensive this year the average cost of a basic funeral hit an all-time high of nearly
18:54four thousand three hundred pounds so it can pay to plan ahead
19:01edward cox works at a funeral home in pontefract in west yorkshire and despite being only 22 every
19:08detail of his funeral is already meticulously planned and paid for i was 20 years old when
19:14i took the plan out and i had a lot of thought before then of what i'd really like all the people
19:21in my family thought oh you don't need to be thinking about that now but uh i thought why not
19:26why not get it sorted now so this is the dark oak and um this is the coffin which i've chosen on my
19:35funeral plan and i would want all of the the lining to be emerald green inside the coffin
19:42i hope but i live a long life and a happy life but it's it's there and it's in place whenever it
19:48needs to be used hopefully not for a long time it's an investment in the future it's out of my mind
19:55no i don't have to worry about it at all edward is certainly bucking the trend according to research
20:02from co-op funeral care only five percent of uk adults have a funeral plan in place
20:08and the average age that we take one out is 73. i think as a younger person it feels a bit of a
20:16a strange thing to sort of take out like a funeral plan in my 30s i think i've just thought if i do
20:22pass away i'll just have a pauper's funeral i think that's what they call it yeah i think we do need to
20:28have that chat probably i don't know what you're dressing me up like a clown in my coffin or anything
20:34like that i've got the music prepared even the meal i've got that prepared so everything's in place
20:42i want to have a wicker basket um so but i'm cremated in that although it's all in the will
20:48i talk to my kids about it all the time what i want in altringham greater manchester it's now two
20:56weeks since retirees paul and debbie started a conversation about their end of life wishes
21:02so significant possessions okay well yours is definitely going to be your albums oh yes the
21:08viral collection yeah that's that's pretty significant they've been busy planning and getting their affairs
21:14in order what would you like at the funeral what songs what kind of funeral poems eulogy it needs a
21:25lot more thought so i think we can fill in some of it but i think we need to take more time
21:32it may be a while yet before they get all of the admin finished but they're feeling determined now
21:37after making a start and actually i wish we'd had it when my mother died for instance it would have
21:43made life a lot easier so it's well worth doing absolutely right we must finish it off we must
21:54back in bristol dorothy is trying to keep busy i'm going to start off by putting in some snowdrops
22:04and crocuses here i think malvin would absolutely love it
22:09four months have now passed since she lost her husband melvin and apart from the power of attorney
22:16she feels they were well prepared for his passing they talked and they planned and she hopes their
22:23story will inspire others to do the same i console myself that we had nothing left unsaid we'd said the
22:32important things to each other if we hadn't had those conversations i think i would have been really
22:37floundering now i'm grieving of course i'm grieving and i will grieve for a very long time but he he's
22:46given me some kind of inner strength that even i didn't know that i had so have those difficult
22:53conversations know what's going to happen because it makes it easier when you lose a loved one
23:00and if you've been affected by any of the issues raised in this program you can find details of
23:10organizations that offer advice and support on our website itv.com forward slash tonight for now good
23:16evening and thank you for watching coming up in two weeks time kate quilton looks at the rising cost of
23:24food every time i come at the supermarket i'm annoyed because of the cost i just look at what i've got in
23:32my trolley and it's barely anything compared to what i used to get years ago next on itv1 we meet a woman
23:46searching for her older brother and a man determined to find his eldest daughter in brand new long lost family
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