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Jim Jefferies And Friends - Season 1 Episode 1
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00:00Strap yourselves in, because it's time for Jim Jeffreys and Friends.
00:04Starring Arge Barker, Mel Bottle, Canadian superstar Glenn Wool and Nicky Osborne.
00:12Now, please welcome Jim Jeffreys.
00:21Thank you, sir.
00:24Don't think it goes unnoticed, mate.
00:27Only one of you did the standing ovation.
00:30Thank you, sir.
00:32No, no, no.
00:35First of all, this won't get on the show, but well done, Channel 7.
00:39Hey, Channel 7, the only network that would fucking have me on.
00:43There was something, Channel 7, going like this, I'll just give him a game show.
00:48And they're like, have you Googled his material?
00:50Nah.
00:53I think he says **** a lot.
00:55Yeah, give him a game show.
00:58And then the game show did well, and they're like this, do you want to do a stand-up show?
01:02And I'm like, ah, well, there'll be a lot of swearing.
01:05And they were like, we're Channel 7, we don't care, we'll put it on at 9.30.
01:09Nowhere else in the world would fucking put this level of swearing on network TV except for Australia.
01:16God bless you.
01:18One of my favourite things about Australia, right, is that we're the only nation in the world
01:23that have a practical joke that we've all agreed on.
01:29And the entire nation has done this.
01:31And if you tell other people, if you tell kids or foreigners about this, you're a fucking rat fuck.
01:41And what's that practical joke?
01:43Drop bears, two fucking riders.
01:45That's why I never want this show to air overseas.
01:49Just in here.
01:51We can't let the others know.
01:54I fucking love the drop bears.
01:56I've done it to me children.
01:58Every girl I've ever brought back to Australia, I've fucking done the drop bears.
02:02It's brilliant.
02:03My wife, I got married during COVID to a British woman.
02:10I have moans a lot.
02:11Anyway, so, you know how they are.
02:20Anyway, so I got married to a British woman, right?
02:24And so during COVID, I got her pregnant because what else was there to do?
02:28There was nothing to do.
02:31You could only watch so many TV shows before you got someone fucking pregnant.
02:35Anyway, see, that's the worst thing about being heterosexual, right?
02:40Worst thing about being heterosexual is that we have kids.
02:45Now, I know we're in Melbourne, so there's a lot of you like this.
02:49Oh, I think you'll find that gay people can have kids as well.
02:52Not by accident!
02:58But I love them.
03:01I love them.
03:07Anyway, so my wife's pregnant.
03:09We came out to Australia to film a documentary that never saw the light of day.
03:13We're out here, and my wife's pregnant, and it's the first day in Australia,
03:18and we have to do something out in the bush, right?
03:20And they're filming us, and we just met the crew, and we're walking along.
03:23And we're walking through the bush, and you start subtle with it, don't you?
03:27You don't go in too hard.
03:29You don't get to the edge of the bush and go,
03:31bloody drop bears in there.
03:32You've got to give it a bit of this.
03:39Just a subtle...
03:43Until eventually she's like, what?
03:45What's going on?
03:46I'm like, it's nothing.
03:52No, we're good.
03:52No, we are.
03:53We're good.
03:54We're good.
03:55What is it?
03:56And I go, okay, well...
03:58I don't want to upset you.
04:00Now, the guy's filming us over there.
04:01I go, I don't want to upset you,
04:03but there's these animals called drop bears,
04:06and they're like koala-like animals that are in the trees,
04:12and when they see you, they drop down,
04:14and then they grab you on the face,
04:15and they start clawing your face off.
04:20But they're very rare, right?
04:24So I wouldn't worry about it.
04:26And then the cameraman dropped his camera like this.
04:30My cousin died from one.
04:40And then right there, I don't even know that guy's name.
04:42Me and him now?
04:44We're fucking mates for life, right?
04:46We're mates for life.
04:48We're in, because that's your job as an Australian,
04:50is to join in.
04:51When you hear others mention the drop bears, you confirm.
04:57Right?
04:57So now my wife, who's pregnant, is terrified all day.
05:01Great joke, right?
05:03She's walking...
05:04Later on in the day, she's getting her make-up done
05:07before we do the next bit of the documentary.
05:09A woman from the crew, British girl, right?
05:12You know the type.
05:13Straight from fruit picking.
05:14Right?
05:15Now she's...
05:16She's putting the make-up on my wife,
05:21and she goes,
05:22don't let those boys upset you.
05:24Don't let those boys upset you.
05:26I've only ever seen two of them.
05:28And I'm like,
05:28oh, good for you.
05:33Because she had had the drop bear joke played on her.
05:36And your reward is,
05:38then you become part of the drop bear joke,
05:41and you pass it on to others.
05:44So now my wife's really terrified.
05:46I thought,
05:47that's the fucking end of it, right?
05:49And then out of nowhere,
05:50my wife's in the make-up chair.
05:51I've only ever seen two.
05:52Then a bloke who had nothing to do with production.
05:55Who was just walking through the bush.
05:59You know the type of bloke,
06:00old fella.
06:01He's got a plastic bag,
06:02and it just has an apple in it.
06:05And he walked out,
06:06and he went,
06:07no, they're bad this season.
06:11So that really did happen.
06:15And then at the end,
06:16my wife comes back to LA.
06:18We're in LA.
06:19She's talking to her friend.
06:21She's, you know, pregnant.
06:22She's talking to her agent.
06:24My wife's an actress.
06:24She's talking to her agent on the phone.
06:26And she's like this,
06:27oh, yes,
06:28we had a lovely trip to Australia.
06:29It was wonderful.
06:30It was a shame it got shut down.
06:31But I tell you what,
06:32I was scared of those drop bears.
06:35And then she starts telling this person.
06:38She's like,
06:38they're bears with claws
06:39that fall from trees.
06:41And I'm like,
06:43oh, no.
06:45It's gone too far.
06:48Her agent's going to think
06:49that she's mentally challenged.
06:55And my wife got off the phone,
06:57and I went,
06:58hey,
07:00the drop bear thing.
07:01It's not true.
07:06What?
07:08None of it's true.
07:09She goes,
07:10but the cameraman
07:10and the man with the bag
07:13and the apple.
07:16They were just fine Australians.
07:18Except for here's the deal.
07:25Now you
07:26are part of it.
07:30Now you can tell.
07:32When that child comes out of you
07:34in a few short years together,
07:38we can tell him or her
07:40about the drop bears.
07:43And my wife said,
07:44I'll never tell our child
07:45about drop bears.
07:46And I went,
07:48then you'll never be Australian.
08:01My father is in the audience.
08:04My dad and my uncle Brian,
08:09they look like the two old
08:10from the Muppet Show,
08:12don't they?
08:14Now,
08:15if you've ever enjoyed
08:16my comedy over the years,
08:17if you've found me funny,
08:19if you've liked my work,
08:21that man,
08:22you have to thank that man
08:23because all I've done
08:25my whole life
08:25is impersonate him.
08:28He's the funniest man on earth.
08:32But also,
08:33if you have found me
08:35irritating,
08:36opinionated
08:37and a bit of an arsehole
08:38at times,
08:39you can thank him.
08:40You can thank him.
08:42He's also,
08:44it all comes from him.
08:47He is what he is.
08:48I brought him up that way,
08:49I suppose.
08:50And
08:50I'm very proud of him.
08:53Yes.
08:54Coming up,
08:55Mel Bottle,
08:57Nicky Osborne,
08:58Glenn Wolf,
09:00and
09:00Arj Barker.
09:02My Aussie friends
09:02always try to convince me
09:03is in
09:04Arjee, mate,
09:07the snakes are just as afraid of you
09:09as you are of them.
09:11I'm like,
09:11really?
09:12Are you telling me
09:12the snakes are sitting up all night
09:14fucking Googling me?
09:18This is
09:19Jim Jefferies and Friends.
09:25This
09:25is
09:26Jim Jefferies and Friends.
09:32Ladies and gentlemen,
09:34an ex-comedian
09:35is an American comic
09:36who's an Australian
09:37household name.
09:39You all know him.
09:41Please go crazy
09:42for Mr.
09:43Arj Barker.
09:49Thank you very much.
09:52Great time.
09:54First,
09:54I just...
09:55That's why
09:55baby's here.
09:56Okay.
09:58Well,
09:58I actually wanted to say
09:59that if there are
10:00any babies here,
10:02welcome.
10:07Stay as long
10:08as you'd like
10:09and
10:09by all means,
10:11drink up.
10:15You know,
10:16I'm...
10:22Yeah,
10:22I'm delighted to be
10:23in front of a positive
10:25group of people.
10:26I'm feeling a little emotional
10:27because it's
10:29actually a really important day
10:30in my family.
10:31It's my
10:31beloved
10:32great-great-grandfather's
10:34birthday today.
10:35And thank you.
10:36He did pass a while back,
10:38but,
10:38you know,
10:39it's always a...
10:40It's always a reflective day.
10:43He, uh...
10:44He would have been
10:45247 today,
10:46so...
10:49Kind of hard not to think
10:53what if things
10:53had gone differently,
10:54I guess.
10:56I mean,
10:57to be fair,
10:58we weren't super close.
11:01He died when I was
11:03only negative 84,
11:04so...
11:05I am still
11:07trying to hang on
11:08to my New Year's
11:09promises I made to myself.
11:10I did the most classic one.
11:12I said,
11:12I'm going to exercise more.
11:13And I don't mind
11:14when I'm home,
11:15go out in the garage,
11:16hang out with the dogs,
11:17but I'm on the road a lot.
11:19And then I got to go
11:20to the gym.
11:21And I hate going to the gym.
11:22Hate it!
11:23Because I just sweat
11:25so much at the gym.
11:27I really do.
11:28Because I don't have
11:29a membership.
11:31I'm not supposed
11:36to be there.
11:37It's super stressful.
11:41And it's also
11:41really uncomfortable
11:42working out
11:43in a janitor's uniform.
11:46But most health experts
11:47say that,
11:48you know,
11:49if you eat the right foods,
11:50like,
11:50you get everything
11:51you need from your diet.
11:52You need a good variety
11:53of healthy food,
11:54you get everything you need.
11:56But just in case,
11:57I do still take
11:57a once a day
11:58multi-painkiller.
12:01Because it has
12:02everything I need.
12:03It has Nurofen
12:04for my neck pain.
12:05It has some Panadol
12:06for the pain
12:07in my lower back.
12:08And it has just
12:08a touch of morphine
12:09for the pain
12:11in my childhood.
12:15I did go to
12:16a natural healer recently.
12:17And the first thing
12:18he said,
12:18we got to get you
12:19off gluten.
12:20And I said,
12:21well, I'm not celiac.
12:21I don't have that condition.
12:22He said,
12:22it's not about that.
12:23It's about how
12:24it's going to make you feel
12:25large.
12:26I said,
12:27all right,
12:27well, I'm paying
12:27this guy money.
12:28I might as well
12:28give it a shot.
12:29And I just checked
12:30backstage.
12:31I'm now,
12:31it's hard to believe
12:32I'm nearly six weeks
12:33gluten-free.
12:34And I just want
12:35to say this.
12:36If anybody here tonight
12:37is even considering
12:38quitting eating gluten
12:39for any reason at all,
12:41I want to tell you this.
12:42It's actually
12:43not that bad.
12:44It isn't.
12:46In fact,
12:46the only thing
12:47that I really miss
12:47is happiness.
12:53But under that,
12:54I'm going to really notice.
12:55Do you know
12:56what gluten is?
12:57It's so simple.
12:58Technically,
12:58gluten is the protein
13:00which makes food edible.
13:05And gluten
13:06is primarily found
13:07in fucking everything.
13:10Of course,
13:11that's not entirely true.
13:12And since I have become
13:13a bit of an expert,
13:14I don't mind enlightening you.
13:15The main foods
13:16which do not
13:17contain gluten
13:18are apples.
13:20You know,
13:23so it's not that bad.
13:30About 35 species
13:32of apple.
13:33So this healer,
13:34he's also the king
13:35of natural supplements.
13:37And so now
13:37he has me taking
13:38turmeric.
13:39Have you heard of turmeric?
13:40Turmeric and magnesium
13:42four times a day,
13:44which is a lot.
13:45But he said,
13:46I should do that
13:47because he doesn't think
13:48that I'm getting
13:48enough diarrhea.
13:53And I got to tell you,
13:55it's really doing the trick.
14:01This is a lovely audience.
14:05Unfortunately,
14:05we don't have much time left.
14:07And I'm not referring
14:08to the performance.
14:09I mean,
14:10like,
14:10read the news.
14:12Put two and two together.
14:15I was reading an article
14:16about climate change
14:16the other day,
14:17and it was
14:17quite a good article.
14:19But more than once
14:20they referred to it
14:21as a climate predicament.
14:22And I was like,
14:23nah, guys,
14:24I think maybe
14:2515, 20 years ago,
14:27sure,
14:27climate predicament.
14:28But I think we're
14:29past that now.
14:30I think we're
14:31pretty much
14:32in a straight-up
14:34dickament
14:34by this point.
14:36It's climate dickament, folks.
14:39And I also want
14:40to go on the record
14:41and say that I think
14:41dickament is the worst
14:42flavor of chewing gum.
14:47I care about
14:49the environment.
14:51I love the environment.
14:52It's one of my
14:52favorite places.
14:53Like, when the weekend
14:54comes, where'd Arge go?
14:55Have you looked
14:55in the environment?
14:58Because I love nature.
15:00I love hiking.
15:01I don't hike much
15:02in Australia
15:02because I'm aware
15:04of what lives out there.
15:05because I'm a little
15:06nervous.
15:06And my Aussie friends
15:07always try to convince me
15:08they say,
15:09I do, mate,
15:10the snakes are just
15:13as afraid of you
15:13as you are of them.
15:15I'm like, really?
15:16Are you telling me
15:17the snakes are sitting
15:18up all night
15:18fucking Googling me?
15:19If Arge Marker did me
15:26and he kills us?
15:28How did we know
15:29the good Arge Markers
15:30from the bad Arge Markers?
15:32If Arge Markers
15:33stepped on us,
15:34how long does we ask
15:34to get to the hospital,
15:35I'll say.
15:36Does we ask 20 minutes
15:37or 30 minutes?
15:38Any other questions,
15:39fellas?
15:40That's actually
15:41a really good one.
15:42Why does we have arms?
15:43How does we type
15:44things if we are snakes?
15:46Well, I think
15:47you're a lizard
15:48who actually
15:50infiltrated this joke
15:51and you're taking
15:54dictation from the snakes.
15:56That's what I think
15:57is going on.
15:57I am a big animal lover
16:01but my favorite animals
16:03are my dogs.
16:04I am a first-time dog owner
16:06and I'm goo-goo-ga-ga
16:08over those little girls.
16:10I love my dogs
16:11like they're like a crowbar.
16:13They rip my heart wide open
16:15and the love that's coming out,
16:16it's not dog love
16:17or species-specific.
16:19It's just love.
16:19It just means
16:20I would do anything
16:21for them, anything.
16:23I would run
16:24into a burning building
16:26for my dogs
16:27even if they weren't
16:28in there.
16:31I say, fuck it,
16:31I'm going in.
16:33Tell them I did it
16:34for them.
16:35And people say,
16:36well, you're an idiot, Arch,
16:37because if you drop dead
16:38in your kitchen,
16:38your dogs would eat you.
16:40Well, I sure hope so
16:41because we don't waste
16:42food in my house
16:42and hopefully my spirit
16:45will be floating over them
16:46like, good girls,
16:48finish your dad.
16:54But the dog owner's here,
16:55are you dog owners here?
16:57Yeah, you know this is true.
16:58This is true, right?
16:59If you're not in charge,
17:00they'll take over the house.
17:01And as much as I love my dogs,
17:03they know I'm in charge.
17:04For instance,
17:05bedtime, guess what?
17:06They know they're not
17:07sleeping on my bed,
17:08they're sleeping on their bed.
17:09And that's it.
17:10No more conversation.
17:13Admittedly,
17:13their bed is on my bed.
17:17But they know
17:17that they cannot leave
17:18their bed for any reason
17:20during the night
17:20unless, A,
17:22I'm asleep.
17:23Or they want to.
17:29There's not going to be
17:29any more discussion on that,
17:30I'll tell you that right now.
17:34You know,
17:35and if any of you ever
17:36were a guest in my home,
17:37you would know that
17:38I was in charge
17:38because if you go to
17:39someone's house
17:39and they're not in charge
17:40of their dog,
17:41the second you walk
17:42through that door,
17:43the dog sees you
17:44as a target.
17:44and they know that
17:46the very split second
17:47food comes out,
17:49that dog's going to be
17:49sitting one inch from you,
17:51sitting there on the floor,
17:52giving you the saddest eyes
17:53in the history of sadness.
17:55Just like,
17:56I'm so sad right now.
17:59But maybe if I could just
18:00have some of your foods,
18:01then I guess I wouldn't
18:02be as sad anymore.
18:03That'd probably help me out
18:04a whole lot, actually.
18:07Because we don't do that
18:08shit in my house.
18:10In my house,
18:11if you want something,
18:12you bark loud
18:13and you bark aggressively.
18:17And you snarl if need be.
18:19Or you can get your ass
18:20off the kitchen table.
18:24Because I want to be
18:25real clear about one thing.
18:28Dad didn't build
18:29special table stairs
18:30for this nonsense.
18:34Thank you very much.
18:35Good night, everybody.
18:42All right,
18:43Parker,
18:43ladies and gentlemen.
18:44After the break,
18:45Len Woolf,
18:47Nicky Osborne
18:48and Mel Bottle.
18:50I kind of identify
18:51as my kid's dad.
18:53That's weird to say.
18:53And I don't get this mixed up.
18:54I'm not saying,
18:55I think I'm male
18:56or I'm confused about my gender.
18:57That's not what I'm saying.
18:58What I'm saying is,
18:59I don't help with the baby
19:00that much.
19:01I don't help with the baby.
19:01I don't help with the baby.
19:01I don't help with the baby.
19:02I don't help with the baby.
19:02I don't help with the baby.
19:03I don't help with the baby.
19:05I don't help with the baby.
19:05Ladies and gentlemen, our next comedian comes from rural Queensland.
19:21She's been on every TV show you can imagine on other channels
19:25that I can't mention right now.
19:27Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mel Bunnell.
19:30Hello.
19:35Thanks Mel Bun.
19:36This is fun, this is really fun.
19:38I've got an 18-month-old little boy at home and he's good, he's a good boy, he's pretty cool.
19:43You've got to say that, you've got to keep the chatter positive.
19:44You can't say what you really think or what people call the government.
19:48What I really think is my hand fits right around his neck.
19:50Anyway, but I didn't carry the baby.
19:55I'll be honest with you, a really nice woman is I didn't carry the baby in my body
19:57because I'm in showbiz, didn't have to.
19:59I just don't think I could do this job being pregnant.
20:04I don't think I could do it.
20:05Like, I don't think you would hear a word that I say because I don't hear anything pregnant
20:09women say.
20:10Like, the big bellies and stuff because the voice in my head is so loud, just going,
20:14Yuck!
20:15You led him, didn't you, you fucking grub.
20:19What a disgusting woman.
20:23But no, my missus did it.
20:26She carried the baby.
20:27Why is that?
20:28Because I had an option, that's why.
20:30Nah, it's because she's not that good at rock, paper, scissors if I'm honest.
20:34Anyway, yeah, I don't know.
20:40This is weird to say.
20:41This is a bit weird to say.
20:42I'm going to tell you this, Warren.
20:43I kind of identify as my kid's dad.
20:45I know it's weird to say.
20:46And don't get this mixed up.
20:47I'm not saying, oh, I think I'm male or I'm confused about my gender.
20:50That's not what I'm saying.
20:51You know what I'm saying is, I don't help with the baby that much.
20:56So a few women in the audience say, did you hear that, Daryl?
20:58That's funny.
21:00Said she didn't help.
21:02I might mention it twice when we're on the car on the way home.
21:06My favourite bit of the show.
21:09I think the role of dads has changed the most over the years, right?
21:14Because I saw a dad recently.
21:16I saw a Melbourne dad getting around.
21:18This is what he had going on.
21:19He had a baby strapped to his chest, right?
21:21And he's walking.
21:22He's oodle, doodle, poodle, noodle.
21:25If you wanted a pet, you should have got a dog, idiot.
21:27Anyway, he's walking his bath mat, cross shower cap thing.
21:31And in addition, he's also pulling one of these carts behind him
21:36that they've all got these days.
21:38And in the cart, there's two more kids.
21:41Sir, you're a father of three.
21:42It is time to purchase a motor vehicle, okay?
21:46For Finch and Scout and fucking Peach or whatever it is.
21:49Anyway, I think dads have had a very different expansion to their role, right?
21:55Because when I was growing up in the 80s, dads weren't like that.
21:58Dads didn't do that.
21:59No, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,
22:01I didn't see much of my dad at all.
22:03Now, my parents were married.
22:04We all lived in the same house.
22:06But dad's busy.
22:07Dad's at wine club.
22:08Dad's in the shed.
22:09Dad's under the house.
22:10It's wherever you are not.
22:11So, you saw your dad in the 80s when you saw a viennetta.
22:15That was it.
22:18Remember, that mum would make a special dinner.
22:20A bit spaghetti bolognese with garlic bread and a salad.
22:23Whoa!
22:24Right?
22:25Then a viennetta with a birthday cake candle would come out in it.
22:28And dad would go, uh-oh, it's someone's birthday.
22:31He didn't know who, not his job, right?
22:34Do you remember the slice of viennetta that you would get as well,
22:38that your mum would give you?
22:40Your mum would be like, with a scalpel,
22:42shaving off the tiniest, thinnest,
22:44little fucking slither of viennetta.
22:46And then the bit dad would get to be like,
22:48uh-oh, chunk the size of a Bible.
22:51And your mum would go, take that over to your father.
22:55What do I want to be when I grow up?
22:56A dad, please.
23:01You know, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,
23:03not a lot of your dad growing up.
23:04But Saturday mornings, some very special Saturday mornings,
23:07my dad would come into my room,
23:08and he'd say to me the most beautiful sentence
23:10a father can say to his child, which is this,
23:12do you want to come to the dump with me?
23:16Yes, I do.
23:17Oh, my God, I want nothing more than to go to the dump with you.
23:21Wow.
23:22And you'd rub it into your mum a bit.
23:24Remember that?
23:25You'd be like, well, dad and I are going to the dump.
23:26Just us, see you later.
23:27Just dad and I, off to the dump.
23:29Not you, you're not invited.
23:30Mum would be like, have fun, you too.
23:32Pouring your first glass of wine for the day at 10am.
23:34I'm from Queensland, so that's the gesture for pouring a glass of wine.
23:38It's a cask.
23:39Just...
23:43Sort of translate cross-culture there.
23:47Did anyone else have a nightie mum?
23:49A mum that was just in a nightie your entire childhood?
23:53Like, she would pick you up from school at 3 o'clock.
23:56You'd be home at 10 past 3, 3.15, bang, nightie on.
23:59Just a really clear visual symbol that you're not going anywhere and don't ask.
24:09Saturday morning she'd wake up, take off her sleep nightie, put her day nightie on, she's ready to go.
24:15Far away in my brain, right, next to going to the dump with dad,
24:19is going to a landscape supply store as well.
24:22Right, this is the precursor to Bunnings.
24:24And let me say this, like, you would just leave for the day and go out with your dad
24:29with what I have on me right now.
24:31Absolutely nothing.
24:32You would just get in the car and go.
24:34You hearing me under 35s?
24:36No drink bottle.
24:37Nothing.
24:39No bento-style lunchbox.
24:42Nothing.
24:43No ration, no sunscreen, no digital device, no iPad, no backpack,
24:46no self-esteem, nothing.
24:51So the landscape supply store was one of the most boring places you could go with your dad
24:54and you would get there and there's only one highlight
24:56which was you would get to hear your dad's man voice
24:59because all Aussie men have a voice that they put on to impress other men, right?
25:02You've all got one.
25:03Like, so you would just, like, you'd hear your dad's normal voice.
25:06He'd say stuff like,
25:08Righto, get in the car.
25:09Come on.
25:10Where's your shoes?
25:11How do you lose your shoes between the front door and the fucking car?
25:13Jesus Christ, right?
25:14But then at the landscape supply store, he'd meet the bloke serving him, right?
25:18Going to sell him some topsoil or something.
25:20And your dad would just go,
25:21Hey, g'day mate, how you going?
25:22You're a good bloke, aren't you?
25:23Look at you, buddy.
25:24Billing like shit now.
25:25What are you? 6'9", 6'10", 6'12".
25:26Hey, look at you.
25:27Do you ever want to come to my house and spread some fucking topsoil?
25:28Are we doing characters?
25:29What the fuck?
25:31Can I be Rose from the Golden Girls, please?
25:35It was boring though.
25:36The landscape supply store was so fucking boring.
25:39And this is what you did in the 80s when you were born.
25:41You did this.
25:42That's it.
25:44That's all you did was that.
25:46That's all there was to do.
25:47Bit of this.
25:48And even that would be too much for your dad.
25:49He'd be like,
25:50Do that somewhere else.
25:51Fuck off.
25:53Come and do that near that man with the orange tinted glasses.
25:55He likes you.
25:56Go on.
26:00Been looking at you for hours.
26:03Bring me back one of his mentees.
26:05So you just do it smaller.
26:08Just do...
26:12Then out of the corner of your eye, you would spot a drink machine.
26:15Right?
26:16A soft drink machine.
26:17The old school ones filled with cans.
26:19And you would think,
26:20If I play my cards right, I'm going to get one of those, right?
26:22And you would begin your campaign.
26:25Because you weren't allowed to make a direct request.
26:27It's the eighties.
26:28You can't just ask for a soft drink.
26:30You know that actually only came in direct requests in 1999.
26:34That's when it was legal for you to ask your parent for something.
26:37Right?
26:38So you do this.
26:39You'd be doing your bored stuff.
26:40And you'd just start your campaign by saying,
26:42Feeling thirsty.
26:44Feeling like I might need a drink in a minute.
26:49Feeling like it's time to have something interesting to drink.
26:55Hmm.
26:56And your dad would hear you.
26:57Would acknowledge you.
26:58Right?
26:59But he wouldn't turn his back to give you any eye contact.
27:01He'd say this.
27:02He'd go,
27:03There's water in the car.
27:04Do you remember the water in the car?
27:06Two litre home brand vinegar bottle.
27:08Filled up with water.
27:10Wrapped up in a towel with two rubber bands around it.
27:13Kept in the boot.
27:14And if you ever said,
27:15Why is it wrapped up in a towel, Dad?
27:17So it doesn't thudder around and drop me fucking middle
27:19every time I go around a fucking corner.
27:20That's why.
27:24I don't know.
27:25I'd be like,
27:26That's for the radiator.
27:27I'm a person.
27:28Anyway.
27:29Ah.
27:30But you would think to yourself,
27:31If I do this right.
27:32If I'm really good.
27:33And not annoying.
27:34And so quiet.
27:35And do all the right things.
27:36And ask really nicely.
27:37I'm a chance of a 60 cent can of passiona here.
27:41Beautiful memories.
27:43Yeah.
27:44My son won't have any of those memories.
27:45He's got two mums though.
27:46Sucked in.
27:47What a loser.
27:48Uh.
27:49Imagine he's standing up in 20 years time.
27:51He's just here going,
27:52You know when you go out for the day with mama and not mummy.
27:56And you go to the bulk Whole Foods supply store.
27:59In the Subaru Forester.
28:02With Lacey the rescue greyhound.
28:05And you think to yourself,
28:06Oh, if I'm really good.
28:07If I play my cards right.
28:09I'm a chance of a tamari roasted almond here.
28:14I'm going to leave you on that.
28:15I'm Mel Bartle.
28:16Good night.
28:18After the break.
28:19Were Jim Jeffries and friends.
28:21Nicky Osborne.
28:22And Canadian superstar.
28:24Len Woolf.
28:26Got a six year old.
28:27He loves Toy Story.
28:28Walked by me and bought this Toy Story toys in his arms.
28:30I said be careful.
28:31Last time I had a woody and a buzz, your mum got pregnant.
28:37This is Jim Jeffries and friends.
28:55Now I've never told this on stage.
28:56This happened very recently.
28:58So, what I do every now and again.
29:01I ring up me dad.
29:02And if I got a good pub joke.
29:04Right?
29:05He's sitting at home.
29:06I ring him about three times a week.
29:08I ring him up and I go, Dad, I've got a joke for you.
29:10I tell him a joke.
29:11And that's, you know.
29:12So, the joke was.
29:13It's an old pub joke.
29:14What's better than eating Amanda in?
29:17Eating Amanda out.
29:18Right?
29:20It's a fun little joke.
29:22Right?
29:24Right?
29:25So, I call up Dad.
29:26And I said, Dad, I've got a joke for you.
29:28And he goes, what is it?
29:29I go, what's better than eating Amanda in?
29:31And he paused for a moment and he went.
29:33Eating pussy.
29:39Now, you know when you're in maths class, right?
29:44And there's an equation on the board and you've gotten it right,
29:47but not the way the teacher reckoned.
29:50You're like, I don't know how I got there,
29:52but I've got the right answer somehow.
29:55I know what went through his thought process.
29:58I've known this man my whole life.
30:00He went, what's better than eating a mandarin?
30:02Well, there's not much better than eating a mandarin.
30:04What a wonderful fruit a mandarin is.
30:08It stays in sections so you don't get juice on your hands.
30:11That's very good and they've all but eliminated the pips.
30:14The pills, you just put them in your pocket,
30:17leave them in the centre console in your car.
30:20They cause no trouble.
30:23The Asians like to use them in cooking.
30:26A lot of mandarin stuff in cooking, the Asians.
30:29Ah, Asian women, licking pussy.
30:31Ladies and gentlemen, this next comic that I'm bringing out,
30:45I have been friends with for 20 years.
30:50But more importantly, I've been a fan of for 20 years.
30:54I work with him across the UK.
30:56I've worked with him here in Australia now.
30:58I'm a huge fan of this guy.
31:00He's an important voice in comedy.
31:02Can you please welcome Mr. Glenn Wall?
31:14Hello.
31:15Good to see you.
31:16My name is Glenn.
31:17I'm originally from Canada.
31:23I'm in a mixed generation marriage.
31:26My wife's a millennial.
31:27I'm Generation X.
31:28And I'm not proud of that, but I'm proud of that.
31:33The problem with that age gap is sometimes me and my wife
31:35will be having a text conversation back and forth on our intelligent phones.
31:40And because she's a millennial, every once in a while,
31:42she will break into a pointless acronym.
31:46And I'm just like, would you use the whole fucking sentence?
31:50We are not being charged by the letter.
31:53Is there any reason we're trying to hide our dinner plans from the Nazis?
32:01I've got to break out the Enigma machine to figure out what the hell Icy Me means.
32:07You ever had Icy Me?
32:09Icy, why am I?
32:12Yeah, I didn't know what it was either.
32:14I had to Google it and everything.
32:17Just in case you missed it.
32:19That's what it's the acronym for.
32:21I know.
32:23It was like the BTW fiasco.
32:27I know, I got that one.
32:28I was just like...
32:30What, do you want a sandwich?
32:34You ever got BT?
32:35Anybody know what BTW is?
32:36Oh, you fucking assholes.
32:42Look at all the millennials sitting there going,
32:45We know what it is.
32:47It's by the way, by the way.
32:50It made me feel old.
32:51I feel like a goddamn dinosaur.
32:54But I'm here to tell you that your goddamn millennial acronyms are not obvious.
33:01And even a genius would have trouble with them.
33:04Like in the 1940s, if you walked up to Alan Turing and just said,
33:09LGBTQ+.
33:13You reckon he'd crack that code?
33:17Got a six-year-old, he loves Toy Story.
33:19And what kid doesn't?
33:21Walked by me, bought this Toy Story toys in his arms.
33:24I said, be careful.
33:26Last time I had a Woody and a Buzz, your mom got pregnant.
33:34But she don't know the whole story.
33:37Me and his mother had a lockdown baby.
33:40It was very hard to masturbate in a house that your spouse never left.
33:44There was only so many times you could go up to the loft, check on the Christmas decorations.
33:56So in the end, I had to jack off the old-fashioned way by fucking my wife.
34:08That's how they used to do it back in the olden days.
34:13They actually used to masturbate inside their partners.
34:19That's why their families were so big.
34:23What they would do, they'd use their wife's vagina as a makeshift hand, if you will.
34:31I'm getting a divorce.
34:36Yeah, I am.
34:38I've been trying to hide it.
34:42But yeah.
34:44It wasn't because of that bit.
34:47I felt bad all those other times in the show.
34:51I'm talking about having a wife and my inner monologue is like,
34:54you don't have a wife.
34:56I know.
34:57Don't feel sorry.
34:58Yeah.
35:00And she made me move to England and have kids.
35:03And then she dumped me.
35:06And that's not fair.
35:08I know.
35:09I fucking, I now just live in a field.
35:13In England.
35:15It sucks.
35:17But at least I'm allowed to be honest about how I feel about England now.
35:21Because I used to have a wife and I couldn't say all of the things that I felt
35:25to keep the peace and now fuck it.
35:29Like I hate the royal family.
35:30There you go.
35:32You're a fucking bunch of inbred pedophiles if you ask me.
35:37Like tell me this, does Prince Andrew enjoy his wanks more now that he's a minor royal?
35:41Yeah.
35:46Take it back the night.
35:50I gotta go.
35:51I feel like, I, look, I don't hate all, there's parts of the royal family I like.
35:56I like the pageantry.
35:58I watched the coronation.
36:00I enjoyed that.
36:01Charlie got his hat.
36:02Sure.
36:03That's cool.
36:05My particular favorite on the day was Camilla.
36:10Little Cheshire cat grin on her face.
36:14Last time she smiled like that a car was upside down in a Paris tunnel.
36:18Folks, it's great to see you.
36:23I've been glad.
36:25Good night.
36:32Ladies and gentlemen, Glenn.
36:35Don't go away.
36:36Up next, Nikki Osborne.
36:39We should just make Chappelle Corby Barley Barbie, shouldn't we?
36:42Yeah?
36:43Actually no, she should be the face of Jenny Craig.
36:45I lost 4.5 kilos in 30 seconds.
36:48Ask me how.
37:05Ladies and gentlemen, this next comedian, she's been on Dancing with the Stars,
37:08but more importantly, she's extraordinarily funny.
37:11Please welcome the outrageous Nikki Osborne.
37:17Hello!
37:21Oh, it's so great to be here.
37:22How good's this?
37:24Yes?
37:26Do you like my outfit?
37:27Yes.
37:28Tell you what, it's hard as a female comic to work out what to wear
37:31because you want to look really good, right?
37:33But at the same time, you want to be likeable and relatable.
37:36So I said to my mum before coming to this gig,
37:39maybe I should do like a Pamela Anderson, come make-up free.
37:42You know what she said?
37:44No, you don't have the tits for it.
37:48And then my husband pipes up and he says that I should wear something really revealing
37:53because that way if I bomb, I can kick off an OnlyFans page.
37:57I don't.
37:58They have little faith.
37:59But it's great to be here.
38:00I look like slutty mechanic Barbie.
38:14She's the one who gives you the full service.
38:19I finally went and saw the Barbie movie.
38:21We've all seen it.
38:23Yeah, there's a few gay fans of Jim.
38:25I didn't pick that.
38:27I went to see it because I wanted to see what all the fuss was about.
38:29I wanted to see what our Margot had done for Australia.
38:33And I've got to say, she's let us down.
38:37No, hear me out.
38:38Where's Bogan Barbie?
38:41Now what would Bogan Barbie come with?
38:43Pack of tinnies?
38:44Pack of winnies?
38:45Subscription to Gogglebox?
38:49Or if she came in a box set, would she come with two kids with shit made-up names
38:53and a tradie Ken doll called Brett?
38:59What other Barbies should there be?
39:01What about backpacker Barbie?
39:02No, she'd just go missing.
39:09No, actually, no, they could sell her in bits in a box of sand.
39:18And that way you can piece her all together.
39:21It could be a family project.
39:23Piece it together and work out who she was.
39:27Or what about Barley Barbie?
39:29What would Barley Barbie come with?
39:31A bintang singlet?
39:33A fucking stomach parasite?
39:36Or would she come with a boogie board bag with extra storage in it?
39:40We should just make Chappelle Corby Barley Barbie, shouldn't we?
39:46Yeah?
39:47As you know, she should be the face of Jenny Craig.
39:50I lost 4.5 kilos in 30 seconds.
39:52Ask me how.
39:53Or what about vaccine Barbie?
40:00Yep, maybe not.
40:04Yeah, no, I'm not going to go there.
40:08Not at all.
40:09Because we went a bit crazy during COVID, didn't we, Melbourne?
40:13Went a little bit mad.
40:14Like there were lovely women at Coles having biffos over shit tickets.
40:18I never understood the bog roll hoarding.
40:22Did you understand it?
40:23No.
40:24But as far as I was concerned, the more bog roll, the bigger the asshole.
40:29So anyway, when they announced the second lockdown,
40:32husband and I looked at each other.
40:34We packed up our bags, packed up the kids, sold the house
40:36and moved somewhere where education is not important.
40:39Queensland!
40:42Oh, but moving to a new state means moving to new schools.
40:46Which means meeting new mothers.
40:50God, we're .
40:55But you know what you've got to do, don't you ladies?
40:58For that first assembly,
41:00you've got to don your least offensive country road.
41:04And then you've got to wade through a sea of beige
41:07until you can find someone, something, someone
41:11that's got something in common with you.
41:13You know, day drinkers.
41:14So I hit it off with these drunks.
41:17And we organised play dates really quickly
41:19because that's, you know, that's your mission.
41:22And then within 24 hours, they all cancelled.
41:26Now this has happened before.
41:28And I went to my husband, I said, it's happened again.
41:30He's like, what did you do this time?
41:32I'm like, firstly, fuck off.
41:35Secondly, I don't know.
41:37And he's like, oh, did you bang on about what you do for a living?
41:40And I'm like, no.
41:42I simply said that I dabble in film and television.
41:45He's like, well, do they know you as Nicky Osborne
41:48or your married name, Nicky Star?
41:50And I'm like, no, my married name.
41:52I'm not going to drag my kids down with my professional reputation.
41:55And he's like, well, they must be Googling you.
41:58So let's Google you.
41:59So we Googled me.
42:00Turns out I am a porn star.
42:07And my filmography includes European Bitch Fuckers 3.
42:11Twisted and Fisted.
42:18And nice girls like anal.
42:24So now all the dads want a play date.
42:30I'm Nicky Osborne.
42:31Thank you so much for having me.
42:36Nicky Osborne.
42:38Ladies and gentlemen, give her a round of applause
42:40for all the comedians you've seen tonight.
42:43My name's Jim Jeffries.
42:45Thank you so much.
42:46Goodnight.
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