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00:00Oh, my God, I'm not at all symmetrical.
00:03Do you know, Victoria, it's funny you should say that,
00:06but I discovered today that my head's not on properly.
00:12So have sympathy with me.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:52Good evening and welcome to Have I Got News For You.
00:55I'm Victoria Corrin-Mitchell in the news this week.
00:57After a bruising summer, a reinvigorated Keir Starmer
01:00emerges from number 10, determined to project a new air of stability.
01:09In Pyongyang, Kim Jong-un finds a way round his dietician's
01:12strict orders that no more alcohol should pass his lips.
01:15LAUGHTER
01:18And on a visit to a hospital in Harrow, a member of staff asks Rachel Reeves,
01:33where's that tosser Wes streeting?
01:35LAUGHTER
01:41On Ian's team tonight is an actress who, in 2016,
01:44appeared in an episode of Casualty and will be appearing again this year
01:47when her follow-up appointment finally comes through.
01:50LAUGHTER
01:51Please welcome Dame Sheila Hancock.
01:53APPLAUSE
01:55On Paul's team tonight is a comedian and actor whose twins were born
02:02during the London 2012 Olympics.
02:04Now, that's what I call an opening ceremony.
02:06Please welcome Miles Chuck.
02:08APPLAUSE
02:14We begin with the bigger news stories of the week.
02:16Paul and Miles, here's yours.
02:20Keir Starmer, hopefully that's his wife, otherwise it's a bit brazen,
02:22isn't it?
02:23Oh.
02:24Oh, hello, that's not his wife.
02:25Oh, yes.
02:26That's Andy Burnham.
02:27Well, he won't he.
02:28He won't.
02:29So, that's the Labour Party conference.
02:30Next question.
02:33What were they up to?
02:34What was the spirit of the conference?
02:36What would you say was the spirit of the conference, Miles?
02:37Oh, one of celebration.
02:39Yeah.
02:41One of certainty.
02:42Yeah.
02:43Really just about supporting the British flag industry.
02:46Yeah.
02:47Wherever it's manufactured.
02:49I think they wanted to give it a sort of
02:52last night of the Labour Party feel.
02:55Yeah.
02:56Oh, dear.
02:58You are horrible.
03:00You're right.
03:02I thought it was quite good.
03:04I thought the conference was quite good.
03:06What were your favourite bits?
03:07Well, his speech.
03:08Yeah.
03:09I thought he did well.
03:10He's not an orator, bless his heart.
03:12Must be a real problem for him.
03:14But he did well, didn't he?
03:16High praise, indeed.
03:18Not everyone was on board with this patriotic flag waving.
03:21One person on social media said of Starmer,
03:23Oswald Muesli strikes again.
03:25Oh, my God.
03:27I think Starmer was enjoying himself, though.
03:29I mean, look, here he is on the TikToks.
03:31Another busy day at conference.
03:33Lots of energy.
03:34Lots of vibe.
03:35Ha!
03:36Oh, bless.
03:37Oh, bless.
03:38Oh, dear.
03:39He's hopeless.
03:40He's got to get it together.
03:42You know how you said you thought it was really good?
03:44No, I just want it to be good.
03:45I'm desperate for it to be good.
03:46I did hear a number of people saying that his speech wasn't bad.
03:48Oh, that's all right.
03:49I mean, one of the stories of the conference was Andy Burnham saying,
04:04I mean, everyone's asking me to stand against Keir Starmer.
04:06I mean, you know, I wouldn't dream of it but they're all asking.
04:10asking me to stand against Keir Starmer.
04:12I mean, you know, I wouldn't dream of it, but they're all asking.
04:15LAUGHTER
04:16And then everyone throws their hands up, and then he says,
04:20leader! Oh, no, I don't want to be leader.
04:23So, you've got a whole week of that, and at the end of it, everyone says,
04:26John, why do people say Labour are in a bit of a mess?
04:29He seems to have backed off completely now.
04:31Do you think that's because he thought he wouldn't win?
04:33Probably. Probably as well.
04:36I'm so much nastier than you. You are.
04:38LAUGHTER
04:39Oh, no, that's not fair Ian, you're nastier than most people.
04:42LAUGHTER
04:44One unnamed Labour MP told The Telegraph,
04:47it's only Keir Starmer's force of personality
04:50that's keeping this government together.
04:51LAUGHTER
04:53What was the slogan, the Labour Party's slogan for the conference?
04:57Help.
04:58LAUGHTER
04:59Was it that Britain is at a fork in the road?
05:01Yeah. Snappier than that.
05:02Fork.
05:03LAUGHTER
05:04We're all forked. We're all forked.
05:06We haven't got a forking idea.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:10Renew Britain. That's it. Yeah.
05:12It wasn't their first choice, but Reform UK was already taken.
05:16LAUGHTER
05:18What was missing from his conference speech?
05:21A trapeze axe?
05:22LAUGHTER
05:23That was the Lib Dem conference.
05:24Oh, yeah.
05:25LAUGHTER
05:26There wasn't a great deal of policy.
05:28There was a line of policy, but he was advised to take it out,
05:32which was something on the economy that promised,
05:35growth you can feel in your pocket.
05:37LAUGHTER
05:39You've made that up.
05:44Yeah.
05:45No, no, no, no.
05:46Really?
05:47One of his aides said,
05:48can you stop saying growth you can feel in your pocket?
05:50Oh, no.
05:51I promise you that's real.
05:52LAUGHTER
05:53It would take your mind off the economy, though, wouldn't it?
05:56LAUGHTER
05:58He had something on virtual hospitals.
05:59What do you think that meant?
06:00Is that a good idea of virtual hospitals?
06:01I'd be terrified by the idea of a virtual...
06:04I think, anyway, I had brain surgery four years ago.
06:07Did they find anything?
06:08LAUGHTER
06:10They had their best people on it.
06:11No, no, nothing.
06:12The idea, I would, yeah, a virtual hospital,
06:14I would have thought I had to do the thing myself at home.
06:16LAUGHTER
06:17You know, you'll need the following tools assembled in front of you
06:21before you start.
06:22Well, he did mention one idea, which was the digital ID cards.
06:26Yes.
06:27That's come back.
06:28Before he announced the plan,
06:30digital IDs enjoyed 35% support amongst voters.
06:34Mm-hm.
06:35And what happened after he announced...?
06:36It dropped down to 17%.
06:38Minus 14%.
06:40LAUGHTER
06:41Why does everybody get their knickers in a twist about identity cards?
06:45I mean, during the war, I can give you my identity number now.
06:49It's CJFQ 29-4.
06:52We all had to learn it.
06:53But there was a war on, wasn't there?
06:55I know, I know.
06:56But there's a war on now, mate.
06:58Isn't there?
06:59LAUGHTER
07:00I'm sorry, I'm not being very funny, but it's difficult to be funny, isn't it?
07:10Well...
07:11Don't look at me. I'm doing my best.
07:13LAUGHTER
07:14Who's set to benefit from the introduction of ID cards?
07:19ID card manufacturers.
07:21Yes.
07:22Yes.
07:23And one particular one, do you know who that is?
07:25Oh, is it the Tesco club card people?
07:26Yes.
07:27LAUGHTER
07:28They actually make a real difference, you get astonishing discounts.
07:31LAUGHTER
07:32I was thinking of the company Multiverse, who's been chosen to run the digital ID cards scheme.
07:38And whose company is that?
07:40Is that the man who's got links to the Labour Party?
07:43It's Ewan Blair.
07:44Mm.
07:45It's a happy coincidence, isn't it?
07:46It is.
07:47For balance, do we think of any Tories where...
07:53It was in the news this week that business went in their direction...
07:56Oh, yes.
07:57..by having a coincidence?
07:59Michelle Moon, Baroness, Dame, what's her...?
08:01Lady Moon, yes.
08:02Lady Moon.
08:03Yes.
08:04Lady Moon.
08:05I've seen that film.
08:06Have you seen it?
08:07LAUGHTER
08:09Now, well, actually, this is quite a sweet story, because she...
08:12LAUGHTER
08:14In what way is it sweet?
08:16It's about people...
08:17It's about mobility, really.
08:18Because she went just from being in the House of Lords...
08:21LAUGHTER
08:22..to being able to secure a £122 million PPE contract,
08:26which is incredible, really.
08:27It's an incredible journey for anyone to go on.
08:29LAUGHTER
08:30And the other thing about it is, they had no experience whatsoever
08:33of manufacturing or selling PPE.
08:36So, in a way, it's an underdog story.
08:38LAUGHTER
08:40It's like Steeple-Singleby Wonder Woman winning the FA Cup.
08:42It really is.
08:43It's sort of Billy Elliot of our time.
08:47LAUGHTER
08:48And, again, you know, the villains here are the press
08:50who revealed that she'd asked Michael Gove,
08:54who was then in the Cabinet, whether she could join the VIP Fastlane
08:58and recommend this company, PPE Med Pro, to get the contract
09:03and then was asked by horrid journalists saying, you know,
09:06is this company run by your husband.
09:09And, no, she absolutely, you know, denied it.
09:12And then it turned out to be a lie and all the profits had been put
09:15offshore from a Tory baroness, which she then lied about.
09:19And now she's absolutely furious at being caught.
09:22LAUGHTER
09:23So, if they're not going to vote Conservative and the Labour Party
09:26is falling apart, what's the danger?
09:28I think that the other left-wing parties, I like both of them,
09:31the Lib Dems and certainly the Greens.
09:33I love this new guy that's gone into the Greens.
09:36Despite all the stories about tits and things that they've had...
09:39LAUGHTER
09:40Again...
09:43What newspapers are you reading?
09:45LAUGHTER
09:46They dug up a thing that he was a hypnotherapist
09:49and he made women think that their breasts will grow quicker
09:52under a trance or something.
09:54I mean, it's rubbish.
09:55He did, no doubt, Sheila, he did tell the son
09:58that he could use hypnosis to make women's breasts bigger.
10:01I think he called it growth.
10:03LAUGHTER
10:04And not just in his pocket.
10:06LAUGHTER
10:07To be fair to the guy, when I met him, I was a 32B.
10:09So...
10:10LAUGHTER
10:11Never assumed.
10:13APPLAUSE
10:14But...
10:15Surely Keir Starmer seems to think the danger is reform, though.
10:21All of the party conferences were obsessed by reform.
10:24I mean, someone did a count of how many times reform was mentioned
10:27and the Conservative Party wasn't mentioned at all...
10:31No.
10:32..in most of the conferences, including the upcoming Tory party conference.
10:36LAUGHTER
10:37Do people talk about them too much?
10:38I mean, shall we have a look at Ed Davies' conference speech?
10:41Yes.
10:42Oh, bless him.
10:43Let's see.
10:44Nigel Farage.
10:45Nigel Farage.
10:46Farage has changed.
10:47Farage is Britain.
10:49Farage is...
10:50Farage is Britain.
10:52Nigel Farage.
10:53Farage.
10:54Farage.
10:55Farage.
10:56Farage.
10:57Farage.
10:58Farage.
10:59Farage is Britain.
11:00Farage is Britain.
11:01Farage is Britain.
11:02Not Farage is Britain.
11:03Not Farage is Britain.
11:04Farage is Britain.
11:05Thank you!
11:06APPLAUSE
11:07Was that the speech or has it been edited?
11:11Yeah.
11:12LAUGHTER
11:13It's almost...
11:14It's all one sentence.
11:15Yeah.
11:16Do you think...
11:17Ian, I mean, presumably over the course of this series,
11:19people will say, probably they're already saying,
11:21the show is now mentioning Nigel Farage.
11:23Yep.
11:24And the press is...
11:25Yeah.
11:26And that is the dilemma.
11:27Do you address what he's saying?
11:28Because it seems to be either wrong or in need of correction
11:31or dangerous or incitement or hypocritical or whatever.
11:34I mean, people mispronouncing his name.
11:36It's far right.
11:38LAUGHTER
11:40It's a minor thing that...
11:42APPLAUSE
11:45I like stories about Farage.
11:47I like the story where someone said,
11:49have you set up a company to put all your earnings in?
11:52And he said, yes, I have.
11:54Companies actually employ people.
11:56They create employment.
11:57Do you think that's bad?
11:58Anyway, we went and had a look at his company.
12:00You know how many people it employs?
12:02One.
12:03LAUGHTER
12:04Mr N Farage.
12:05LAUGHTER
12:06Like when he bought a house.
12:08Farage made a huge fuss about Angela Rayner
12:11and the details of her property deal,
12:13and then it turns out that his own property deal
12:15was controversial and questionable.
12:18Anyway, I'll just mention a few things.
12:20LAUGHTER
12:25Did you see any of the reform conference?
12:28I did.
12:29Oh, did you? Yeah, what happened?
12:30Did you go?
12:32Yeah.
12:33LAUGHTER
12:34Yeah, he was a mystery object.
12:36LAUGHTER
12:37Would you like to see a highlight of that conference?
12:39Is it the singing?
12:40Yes.
12:41Oh, good.
12:42Yeah, let's have that.
12:43I'm an insomniac.
12:45I'm an insomniac.
12:47Staring at the ceiling.
12:50Away from a stupid charm.
12:53Yes, I'm an insomniac.
12:56I'm an insomniac.
12:58I'm an insomniac.
12:59I'm an insomniac.
13:00And why is it clear?
13:01Is it found with that?
13:03Lord?
13:04Is it found with that?
13:05Lord?
13:06I'm an insomniac.
13:09What the hell is this?
13:12LAUGHTER
13:13That's Andrea Jenkins, former Tory MP.
13:16Apparently, she did an interview just recently,
13:18saying she did it on the spur of the moment.
13:20LAUGHTER
13:21Nobody knew she was going to do it.
13:23Can you imagine for artists going, oh, my God!
13:26LAUGHTER
13:27When she was a Tory,
13:28she was sitting where you were on this programme.
13:30Oh, no, really?
13:31I was on that thing.
13:32You said, I don't think we'll see her again.
13:33LAUGHTER
13:35Now look what you've done, Ian.
13:37Yeah.
13:38Now she's on Britain Hasn't Got Talent.
13:40LAUGHTER
13:41And it's her song.
13:43It is. She's written it.
13:44She wrote it.
13:45In the middle of the night, presumably, thinking...
13:47LAUGHTER
13:49APPLAUSE
13:51What other starry name was at the conference?
13:55It should come back to me.
13:57Everyone's favourite former daytime host Jeremy Kyle was there,
14:02doing stuff for the reform...
14:04You've grown now.
14:05LAUGHTER
14:06I would keep your powder dry.
14:07Yeah.
14:08LAUGHTER
14:09Jeremy Kyle was there,
14:10working for the sort of live stream, you know, reform TV.
14:14Yeah.
14:15But he seemed a little bit distracted.
14:17Let's have a look.
14:18You can look around here.
14:19Burgers, dogs.
14:21We must go and get a burger in a minute.
14:23I haven't had any breakfast.
14:24I haven't had any lunch.
14:25Come and sit here.
14:26I'm knackered.
14:27I haven't had any breakfast.
14:28Come and sit down.
14:29It's very well organised.
14:30They're all having lunch and I'm doing this.
14:32Is anybody in the hall watching this?
14:33They're all having lunch?
14:34I don't.
14:35What was the thought behind that?
14:36Look at the media.
14:37They're just having chips.
14:39Boys, come on.
14:40I haven't eaten yet.
14:41I've had no lunch at all.
14:42None at all.
14:43I've been on the bus.
14:44I've been everywhere.
14:45Dean Norris, which is one of them that's come over today,
14:47which could really help us.
14:49How did she?
14:50I was in here trying to get something to eat.
14:51Unsuccessfully.
14:52APPLAUSE
14:54Do you think a party that can't organise breakfast for one person
15:01should run the country?
15:03Well, yes.
15:04Breakfast means breakfast.
15:06LAUGHTER
15:07I think we've made some quite valid points about how hard it is
15:11to work, probably, wouldn't you?
15:12I bet you've got some Haribo.
15:14How hard it is...
15:15How hard it is to focus on your job if you're hungry.
15:19Yeah, yeah.
15:20It's impossible.
15:21Starmix.
15:22Terrific.
15:23APPLAUSE
15:25This week, Keir Starmer addressed the Labour conference.
15:32Before Keir Starmer's speech in Liverpool, delegates were given
15:35stress balls.
15:36Mm-hm.
15:37Isn't he married to a vet?
15:38Mm-hm.
15:39Also this week, the High Court ruled Baroness Mohn must pay back
15:44£122 million in PPE contracts.
15:47Mohn complained about the verdict on Instagram, saying she'd endured
15:50five years of pure torture.
15:52She should go uppercut size.
15:54LAUGHTER
16:00The Times revealed Baroness Mohn has recently taken her luxury yachts
16:03to the south of France, the Caribbean and the Maldives.
16:06Two of those to escape the stress and one to visit her money.
16:09LAUGHTER
16:11Ian and Sheila, here's yours.
16:14That's Trump and Putin.
16:16Yeah, that's an autocrat with...
16:18Oh, there's another autocrat.
16:20There he is.
16:22Checking his flight.
16:23LAUGHTER
16:24I think this is about Trump.
16:26He's been meeting lots of people.
16:28What does he think he's capable of doing?
16:30Everything.
16:31Ending wars.
16:32Ending wars, yeah.
16:33He's ended seven of them, including ones that didn't exist.
16:35Yeah.
16:36LAUGHTER
16:37Yeah, shall we have a look at that claim?
16:39Yeah.
16:40In a period of just seven months, I have ended seven unendable wars.
16:45They said they were unendable.
16:46LAUGHTER
16:47Everyone says that I should get the Nobel Peace Prize
16:50for each one of these achievements.
16:52What wars is he talking about?
16:54War of the Roses.
16:55LAUGHTER
16:56He couldn't remember half of them.
16:58And then he made up other ones.
16:59There was one about...
17:00I think he was trying to say Azerbaijan or...
17:02Armenia and Azerbaijan.
17:04Armenia.
17:05Here he is boasting about that.
17:07To think that we settled...
17:09Er...
17:10Aber...
17:11Bajan...
17:12And...
17:13Albania, as an example.
17:14LAUGHTER
17:20Abercrombie and...
17:22Fitch, is it?
17:24But there are serious political commentators in America now
17:26on television that are saying he's shown flashes of insanity
17:29quite often.
17:30Should he win the Nobel Peace Prize?
17:31I don't think he'll see the year out.
17:33LAUGHTER
17:35And, of course, Donald Trump is now going to bring peace
17:37to the Middle East.
17:38He says he can achieve that.
17:40What's his big idea?
17:41A few weeks ago, the plan was to ship all the Palestinians out
17:44and turn the place into a strip joint.
17:46LAUGHTER
17:47But now he's decided there's going to be peace there.
17:50And all this has been agreed and he stood there with Netanyahu
17:53nodding and then Netanyahu goes off to a press conference
17:56and says, yeah, we're not going to withdraw.
17:58And Trump goes on and says, I've solved it.
18:00And he literally said, I'm going to bring eternal peace.
18:03LAUGHTER
18:04I mean, he does think he's God now.
18:06I mean, obviously, all this is incredibly bleak
18:08and it's been a particularly horrible week.
18:10So, having solved all these wars, he now says, right,
18:12Gaza is going to be run by the Board of Peace.
18:15Yes.
18:16The Board of Peace.
18:17Yeah.
18:18And who with a magnificent record of bringing peace to the Middle East?
18:20Tony Blair!
18:21Yes.
18:22Yeah.
18:23Is that a good idea?
18:24Well, he did help bring peace to Ireland.
18:26So, he was involved with that.
18:28Yeah.
18:29But other than that, no.
18:31LAUGHTER
18:32Do you not think they'll run it really well?
18:35I just hope they keep front and away from the button
18:38or whatever it is you press.
18:39If he's got a button, I don't think it's connected to anything.
18:41Yes.
18:42LAUGHTER
18:44He's completely losing it.
18:45He had assembled all the generals the other day
18:47just to tell them how he's good at walking upstairs.
18:50Yeah.
18:51He said, you guys ever walked upstairs?
18:53Yeah.
18:54It's a whole audience full of adult men.
18:56Yeah.
18:57Yeah, yeah, we've walked upstairs.
18:59Oh, no, to be fair, the Americans have always fought wars
19:01on complete flat surfaces.
19:03LAUGHTER
19:05Not going up there, we're like Daleks, we're not going up there.
19:07LAUGHTER
19:09Did you see this?
19:10Pete Hesketh, who's his Defence Secretary,
19:12they got all the admirals and generals in at very short notice
19:15and he said, we've had enough of people with beards.
19:17Beardos.
19:18LAUGHTER
19:19They are beardos.
19:20And you're thinking, well, J.D. Vance has got a beard.
19:23LAUGHTER
19:24And then he said, we're not having anyone fat.
19:26Trump, Commander in Chief.
19:28LAUGHTER
19:29Oh, the man, he's just...
19:31Can we talk about something else?
19:32It's...
19:33Done, Trump.
19:34Yes, done.
19:35Done.
19:36In that case...
19:37APPLAUSE
19:38I'll ask you something else.
19:39What major event of cultural significance
19:41is about to take place in the Middle East?
19:43Oh, is Jeremy Kyle going to have lunch?
19:45Yes.
19:46LAUGHTER
19:47Yes.
19:48APPLAUSE
19:50I think, yeah, falafel, bit of hummus, sort him right out.
19:53Just...
19:54It's about taking the edge off, isn't it, really?
19:56Oh, this is a Saudi Arabian comedy festival featuring a bunch
19:58of comics who desperately need the money.
20:00Jimmy Carr is one of them.
20:02Getting paid huge amounts of money to go to a place
20:04where human rights don't exist.
20:05Who's the audience?
20:06Who are they playing to?
20:07Rich Saudi Arabians are...
20:09I mean, it's not difficult flogging seats, let alone flogging the audience.
20:12I can't imagine Jimmy Carr going down that wall.
20:15Bad taste.
20:16I don't think Jimmy's opening with that one.
20:19LAUGHTER
20:20He might be closing with it.
20:21Yeah.
20:22I tell you what, you'll laugh your head off.
20:24LAUGHTER
20:25You going to play that festival, Miles?
20:26Yeah, probably.
20:27Who's booking it?
20:28Sorry.
20:29LAUGHTER
20:30Just give me one email, a contact.
20:31I'll follow it up.
20:32LAUGHTER
20:33This is Donald Trump's continued attempt to win a Nobel Peace Prize.
20:36As he announced his peace plan, Trump claimed it was one of the greatest days ever in civilisation.
20:40Right up there with the day he found two yolks in his boiled egg.
20:43Trump's board of peace to end all conflict in the Middle East will include Tony Blair, though his colleagues famine, pestilence and death are yet to sign up.
21:02LAUGHTER
21:06Time now for the odd one out round, just one between you this week.
21:09They are American Ryder Cup fans, the Bishop of Fulham, Jeremy Clarkson and a Bavarian slug.
21:17BUZZER
21:18Yes.
21:19I know the story about the Bishop of Fulham.
21:20Yes.
21:21Yeah.
21:22There was a choir in a church above where he lives as bishop and he went down at the end of their concert in a dressing gown and told them to shut up.
21:31Yeah.
21:32And he said, this is my house, get out.
21:34Um, cos he didn't like the noise.
21:37Do you think it's all objecting, apart from the fish?
21:40You're trying to win this quiz.
21:42This is fabulous.
21:43We've never had this before.
21:45Well, they're all objecting.
21:47He was objecting to...
21:48To what?
21:49..country people having to pay inheritance tax.
21:51Clarkson, yeah.
21:52These people were shouting at the golfers for some reason.
21:55Yeah.
21:56So they were probably objecting.
21:58And the fish is nice, it doesn't object to anybody.
22:00It's a slug.
22:01It's a slug.
22:02It's a slug.
22:03But it's so nice, it doesn't mind being called a fish.
22:05Yeah.
22:06I like this one.
22:07Call me what you like.
22:08Call me what you like.
22:09It's a good answer, but it's not what's on the card.
22:12Oh.
22:13Is it noise?
22:14Yeah, the golfers made a noise, didn't they?
22:17Yeah, the American fans were very, very rowdy.
22:19And the slug was arrested by the Metropolitan Police.
22:23LAUGHTER
22:24Well, you're joking, but the slug was arrested by police.
22:27Oh!
22:28You're kidding.
22:29The Bishop of Fulham is the odd one out because he was the only one not
22:32arrested by the police.
22:33The Bishop of Fulham is the odd one out, but it is because of noise.
22:36Ah.
22:37Because he complained about the noise and all the others caused noise.
22:41Ah.
22:42The Bavarian slug?
22:43It was an apartment block in Bavaria.
22:45Yes.
22:46And the residents got very worried because somebody kept ringing the
22:50doorbell.
22:51Yeah.
22:52But no-one was at the door.
22:53So, obviously, they suspected a klingelstreich.
22:54What's that?
22:55Like a knocked-down ginger.
22:56Oh, yeah, OK.
22:57Everyone rings at the doorbell and runs away.
22:58And they called the police.
22:59Yeah.
23:00The police discovered a slime trail, but Michael Gove had an alibi,
23:04so...
23:05LAUGHTER
23:07They realised that it was a slug sliding across the sensors.
23:16Here it is.
23:17LAUGHTER
23:18How does the fish get up there?
23:20LAUGHTER
23:22And what noise has Clarkson been making?
23:25Er, is it his pub?
23:27Residents have complained about loud music late into the night.
23:30Oh, right.
23:31I'm not sure that's the nicest picture of Jeremy Clarkson.
23:33We've got a nice one, actually.
23:34We've got one of him smiling.
23:36LAUGHTER
23:37Is that really him?
23:39Yes.
23:40He's wearing a wig, isn't he?
23:42LAUGHTER
23:43On the subject of pubs, what's special about this pub?
23:46It's the first ever...
23:48Greg's pub.
23:49Oh.
23:50Really?
23:51Does it only sell pies?
23:53Greg's the baker branched out into pubs.
23:56Yeah, it's called the Golden Flake Tavern.
23:58Wow.
23:59Where is it?
24:00I don't know where it is.
24:01Is it going to...?
24:02Leeds, probably.
24:03No, it's in Newcastle.
24:05LAUGHTER
24:06The sort of thing you find in Leeds.
24:09But the sort of thing made like pies.
24:12LAUGHTER
24:14It's in Newcastle.
24:15Newcastle?
24:16It's in Newcastle, yes.
24:17I think it sounds wonderful.
24:18They're going to have Sunday roasts with steak and chicken bakes.
24:21Mm-hm.
24:22And Greg's-inspired cocktails.
24:24Yeah.
24:25What?
24:26I think it's a Negroli.
24:27LAUGHTER
24:28Very good.
24:29Very good.
24:30Audience of one.
24:31LAUGHTER
24:32Very good.
24:33And, yes, the American Ryder Cup fans, they chanted USA, USA, USA.
24:38Yes.
24:39And mashed potatoes.
24:40LAUGHTER
24:41How do you handle hecklers, Miles?
24:43Well, if people shout mashed potatoes, I immediately...
24:46Well, I get peeling.
24:47LAUGHTER
24:48You are very different from the English golfer Ian Poulter.
24:54He said that golfers should get one taser per hole.
24:58LAUGHTER
24:59How many's he got?
25:00LAUGHTER
25:01And, er...
25:03Shall we...?
25:04What a mucky remark!
25:06LAUGHTER
25:08How did European fans try to wind up the American golfer Bryson DeChambeau?
25:14Someone ran on and removed his trousers.
25:16LAUGHTER
25:17They shouted, D-bag!
25:19And, er...
25:20Pylon!
25:21LAUGHTER
25:22They chanted,
25:23You're French and you know you are.
25:25LAUGHTER
25:30Time, now, for the missing words round, which this week features
25:32as its guest publication, Harmonica Happenings.
25:35And we start with...
25:37Pet experts say the best way to calm your cat down is what?
25:41Kill off all the dogs.
25:43LAUGHTER
25:47Sadly illegal.
25:49LAUGHTER
25:55Pet experts say the best way to calm your cat down is...
25:58..to give it a glass of wine.
26:00This is a company in New Zealand which has launched a range of wines for cats.
26:04Not sure how much of a wine connoisseur a cat can be,
26:06but the taste is bound to make a refreshing change from its own arse.
26:13Next.
26:14Thinking of taking up the harmonica, then you should what?
26:17Contact the Samaritans.
26:21Thinking of taking up the harmonica, then you should start by puckering your embouchure.
26:25Is that what cats do?
26:27LAUGHTER
26:31Lastly, pensioner delights country fair by showing off what?
26:34Massive bullocks.
26:36LAUGHTER
26:38Is it withered sprouts?
26:40LAUGHTER
26:41Is it that they've paid off their mortgage years ago?
26:44LAUGHTER
26:45And now we're just enjoying life.
26:48LAUGHTER
26:49Pensioner delights country fair by showing off his 50-centimetre-long aubergine.
26:53LAUGHTER
26:54And here is the veteran vegetable grower Peter Glazebrook
26:56with his prize-winning aubergine.
26:58It doesn't look that big to me.
26:59I mean...
27:00That sounds...
27:01Come on!
27:02I mean...
27:03APPLAUSE
27:04Christ, Victoria!
27:05For an aubergine!
27:06Bloody massive!
27:07We can all see that, for goodness sake!
27:08LAUGHTER
27:09Possible standards to aspire to!
27:11Bloody size of that thing!
27:13LAUGHTER
27:14So, the final scores are...
27:15Ian and Sheila have four.
27:16Paul and Miles have six.
27:18APPLAUSE
27:22Before we go, there's just time for the caption competition.
27:24Yes.
27:25Ian and Sheila have this...
27:26Anyone seen the turd?
27:28LAUGHTER
27:29Paul and Miles get this.
27:31So, the doctor says, how long has that been there?
27:33And the monkey says, I woke up a morning and there she was.
27:35LAUGHTER
27:41On which note, we say thank you to our panellists, Ian Hislop
27:44and Dame Sheila Hancock, Paul Merton and Miles Jupp.
27:47And I leave you with news that, at a society wedding in Belgravia,
27:50one guest spots Prince Harry across a crowded room.
27:56LAUGHTER
27:57In Shropshire, a couple of bystanders come to the assistance
27:59of a local man who took an unlicensed super-strength dose of Viagra.
28:03LAUGHTER
28:09And in Washington, one customer is delighted to have found
28:11a depilatory cream that actually works.
28:14LAUGHTER
28:17Good night.
28:18Now, no filter or cringe.
28:34Alan Partridge returns on a mental health mission, asking,
28:39how are you?
28:40New next.
28:41APPLAUSE
28:42APPLAUSE
28:43LAUGHTER
28:44APPLAUSE
28:46APPLAUSE
28:47LAUGHTER
28:49APPLAUSE
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