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New Zealand Tomorrow Season 1 Episode 6
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FunTranscript
00:01It's the end of the news as we know it.
00:04I just think, man, you sleep.
00:06How is it going me blending comedy with science?
00:10I wouldn't give up the value.
00:13Don't call me a wife. I'm allergic to wife and marriage.
00:16I don't have any friends.
00:18Right, such governor, just wondering where you're at.
00:20My name is Guy Williams, and this is probably the end of my career.
00:26It gets worse. It gets worse, Jerry.
00:28You're the face of the nation, man. Unfortunately...
00:31It's good, nice burgers.
00:37Last year, I fell in love with Waimate, and it was wild.
00:41So your band was called Jism? Yeah.
00:43I just wanted to go and smash their face in.
00:45It was done by a magnifying glass.
00:47Sick!
00:48Done by a magnifying glass.
00:50I stumbled upon one of the biggest stories facing New Zealand's future,
00:53and it was hilarious.
00:54Well, it is difficult because it's not like a comedic issue for me.
00:57Okay.
00:58It was pretty bleak.
00:59All the Gen Z kids watching this, please scroll TikTok on your phones now while I recap the worst bits.
01:04Nitrates are poisoning drinking water.
01:07They've been proven to be too dangerous for pregnant women and babies.
01:10But now they're being linked to bowel cancer.
01:13And Waimata is far from alone.
01:16An estimated 800,000 rural Kiwis are already affected.
01:20And the craziest thing is that no one really knows or gives a shit.
01:23Because rural areas are starved of independent journalism.
01:27And because it appears that the main culprit is New Zealand's most powerful industry.
01:31Milk powder.
01:33This sounds like a joke, I know.
01:35New Zealand is a weird country.
01:36And I believe its powerful milk powder industry is running tobacco-style PR campaigns to confuse the public.
01:42And it seems to be working.
01:43But a comparison between bowel cancer rates and nitrate concentrations has a devastating impact.
01:50I was told this part of the show wasn't funny enough, so we'll pad it out with footage of me being washed like a dog.
01:59It's actually the best time of my life.
02:01The point is I needed to find some positives.
02:03I needed hope for my story and bring joy back into my life.
02:07I needed Dr. Mike Joy.
02:10The legendary ecologist, a beacon for optimism and an inspirational ray of hope for the future of New Zealand Aotearoa.
02:19New Zealand is fucked.
02:26Yeah.
02:27I came here and I thought you were going to go, look mate, I've been where you've been.
02:31And I tell you what, it all gets better.
02:33No, no.
02:34But you're saying it gets worse.
02:35It gets worse.
02:36Yeah.
02:37I don't know if you know who I am, but I do like light entertainment.
02:40I'm, like, supposed to be a comedian.
02:42Well, I'm laughing, you know, like, it's either that or crying, so, you know.
02:47What's the fundamental issue, do you think, with New Zealand and New Zealand's water?
02:51Clearly, without a doubt, on so much evidence, intensive farming.
02:5595% of our lowland rivers exceed the nitrogen guideline limits.
03:01More than half of the rivers that we monitor are not safe to swim in.
03:06So, all our rivers where humans are, rooted.
03:08Yep.
03:09Rivers in Auckland, rooted.
03:10Yep.
03:11Rivers in Canterbury, rooted.
03:12Yep, yep, yep, yep.
03:13Do you like rooted as a scientific term?
03:15I use the word that begins with F, but we probably can't use that.
03:17I would say it.
03:18Oh, well, the rivers are fucked, yeah.
03:19Okay, okay.
03:21Is the situation maybe just going to heal itself?
03:23Are things just going to get better?
03:25Things won't get better.
03:26It's like a bathtub we've got.
03:28The tap left on, it's overflowing, and all we're doing at the moment is buying tea towels.
03:32We're just getting more towels.
03:34No one is turning the tap off.
03:36Do you think it'll get to Christchurch City?
03:38It is already in the Christchurch City.
03:39Oh.
03:40Yeah.
03:41Look, man, I kind of need to finish on a happy note.
03:44Like, take me home here.
03:46Like, it's going to get better.
03:47It's going to be okay, everybody.
03:49No.
03:50It's not.
03:52Back in 1990, when I started studying this...
03:55Well, you've been doing this.
03:56You've been...
03:57I've completely failed, like, in my career.
03:59No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
04:01Mr Joy, that's my joke.
04:04You're not allowed to beat me to the punchline.
04:06I was just setting that up.
04:08So, how do I live my life so I don't end up a failure like you?
04:13Mmm, I think best if you join...
04:16You didn't react to that at all, by the way.
04:18You're too nice to go.
04:19What I said there was just psychotic.
04:20Normally, what happens is for a joke to work.
04:22Yeah.
04:23I say it, and the other person laughs,
04:25and that makes me feel better about myself,
04:27because you're just like, yes, I am a failure, okay.
04:29Then, as a result, I just feel like a piece of shit.
04:31I'm just a bully then.
04:32You've done a lot of interviews about this subject.
04:34Mm-hmm.
04:35Am I one of the biggest dickheads you've ever met?
04:38Without a doubt.
04:39Yeah.
04:42But I'm here to make a difference.
04:43Yes, yeah.
04:44And you should be glad, because...
04:45I am, yeah.
04:46You should be thanking me.
04:47I am.
04:48Thank you, Guy.
04:49Thank you, Guy, for doing that.
04:51You are the new Jesus.
04:52I'm not gonna go that far.
04:54You are the new, better version of Jesus.
04:56So it just feels like this whole thing,
04:59it's a propaganda war.
05:00It is.
05:01And obviously, the rivers that have no money are going to lose.
05:06Yeah, that's the reality.
05:07The polluters have all the money, so they can afford the best lawyers,
05:11they can afford the best science, they control the room.
05:14It's so unbalanced.
05:15The fight is so, you know, set up for the industry.
05:18Have I just wasted my time then?
05:20No, because you're getting the word out there.
05:22What I say to my students is that our rent for living on the planet is activism.
05:27It's banging the drum, it's getting out there and making a noise is the one thing that you can do that might make a difference.
05:34And, Guy, that's your job is to get out there and bang the drum, because no one else is doing it.
05:40Okay.
05:41Gotta bang the drum.
05:43I'd still like to play the drums and percussion again,
05:46but I'm trying to purchase a new drum kit.
05:48So the thing stopping you from being a drummer is not having a drum set?
05:51Yeah, basically.
05:52Bang the drum.
05:53You've got a song written about you, have you heard that?
05:55Bang the drum.
05:57Who are you weird people?
05:59Banging the drum.
06:00I've played in a band called...
06:01Bang the drum.
06:02How far does this station reach?
06:04Bang the drum.
06:05So you're famous for...
06:06Bang the drum.
06:07Yes!
06:08Bang the drum.
06:09Getting out there and making a noise.
06:11I'm trying to...
06:12Bang the drum.
06:13It's the most important thing that you can do.
06:15No one is...
06:16Bang the drum.
06:17Bang it louder.
06:18Bang it louder.
06:19Bang the drum.
06:20Bang the drum.
06:21Bang the drum.
06:22Bang the drum.
06:23How much do drums cost, do you know?
06:24Uh...
06:25A lot.
06:26All of a sudden I could see it clearly.
06:27My purpose in Waimate.
06:29To bang the drum.
06:30Literally.
06:31I was going to write a song, a pop anthem that would help make people aware of the issue in Waimate
06:37and across New Zealand.
06:39Because while my journalism skills might be lacking, my musical abilities speak for themselves.
06:44I once was lost.
06:50And what they're saying is, Guy, you should probably stop making music.
06:54But there was no time for self doubt now.
06:56I rushed back to Waimate, the musical capital of South Canterbury.
07:00How can water be the best?
07:04To find Ina, the singer and musician behind the Pro Water song, to try and get her help on a different kind of song.
07:11Ina, we need to write a charity song.
07:15A charity song?
07:16To change the world and raise awareness of this issue.
07:19Mm-hmm.
07:20This has happened so many times in history.
07:21Like, we are the world.
07:22Yeah.
07:23To raise awareness for the world.
07:25The plight of Africa.
07:26Yeah.
07:27Yeah.
07:28Do they know it's Christmas time?
07:29Raise awareness for Christmas.
07:30Yeah, but that was a bigger cause, but it's all right.
07:34Yeah.
07:35That was to raise awareness for Christmas, wasn't it?
07:36I don't think.
07:37That was to raise awareness so people know it's Christmas, because they don't know it's Christmas,
07:40so they need to let them know it's Christmas.
07:42They come in, they're like, hey guys, stop fighting.
07:45It's Christmas.
07:46Good news.
07:47There you go, stop fighting.
07:48Warehouse is having a sale.
07:49She was in, and it was full steam ahead.
07:51We gathered in the park to write the words that would change the world.
07:55Our babies come out blue, yep, and we are blaming you.
07:59He can, you can stuff yourself.
08:01See, I don't know very much about this at all.
08:03Mm, okay.
08:04It sounds political to me and I don't like.
08:07Yeah, no, okay, that's a good point.
08:09Fair enough.
08:10Unfortunately, our scathing political commentary was proving too much for some.
08:13Yeah, no, that's too political for me.
08:16See you later.
08:17See you later.
08:18Nice to see you.
08:19Bye.
08:20See you, Joy.
08:21Thanks so much for coming.
08:22And that's when I realised we needed numbers.
08:24Songs like We Are The World are nothing without bankable stars.
08:27Luckily, Waimate was overflowing with those.
08:31We got everyone.
08:32Neil, Lynn, Motorbike Jesus, Gwen, Hugh August.
08:35Sorry to interrupt.
08:36I just need to get out because I've got an appointment in 10 minutes.
08:38Yeah, we're just trying to film like an inspirational end to this TV show.
08:41It won't be long.
08:42About five minutes?
08:43No, no, I need to go now.
08:44Oh, you've got to go.
08:45No, this is like the TV.
08:46This is the television though.
08:47We're doing like an inspirational ending.
08:48Fantastic.
08:49And I appreciate that.
08:50But can I just please switch out?
08:55Good luck.
08:57Blackie, Mons, Tim Chambers, those guys whose job it was to keep an eye on the road cones and make sure they didn't run away.
09:03And of course, my best mate Bev, who I found at the local pub.
09:07Just to be clear, Bev hasn't got a driver's licence.
09:10She's given me a card and says, licence to bitch.
09:16We worked tirelessly to craft a masterpiece.
09:18Writing.
09:19Would you mind to change the lyrics?
09:21Of course, we can change whatever you want.
09:22You guys are the stars.
09:23Rewriting.
09:24And recording at the local radio station.
09:27Alright, here we go.
09:28I was overwhelmed by the level of talent and support.
09:31I think it's horrible, but it's alright.
09:33Everything and everyone was coming together to raise awareness and spread the word.
09:38There was only one thing missing.
09:41The drums.
09:42I'd still like to play the drums and percussion again.
09:45In my heart, I knew there was only one man who could finish the song with me.
09:51But I hadn't seen Waimate's best drummer since I couldn't tell him the truth about the mysterious disappearance of his favourite burger chef.
09:58He is not around anymore. He passed away.
10:01I needed to find Gareth and I had to tell him the truth.
10:05But when I went to find Gareth, Gareth was gone.
10:09It's all bloke, but big mystery.
10:20New Zealand's fresh water is under serious threat and I was trying to write a song to right a wrong.
10:26But I needed a drummer.
10:28And there was only one name that came to mind.
10:30Jizzm.
10:31So your band was called Jizzm?
10:33Yeah.
10:34Gareth had played drums for the band Jizzm.
10:36But I hadn't seen Gareth since I chickened out of telling him that his favourite burger chef had died.
10:41And now, I couldn't find Gareth.
10:44I had to assume he was out in his truck.
10:46The iconic Deathcore warp machine, which he'd shown me last time we hung out.
10:50I'm gonna weld a bit on there, weld a bit on there.
10:53Plus I need a new drum set, you know how it is.
10:55Because it's not legit, it doesn't have its certification.
10:59I've got to do the running from the coppers all the time and run at night time and stuff like that.
11:02Do you actually, do you drive in the night?
11:04Well, it kind of is the safest time.
11:05The good thing about this truck is that you never seem suspicious when you're driving it.
11:09You think so?
11:11Yeah, the police will never want to pull that over.
11:14Finally, I got a reply.
11:15A cryptic text with confusing directions.
11:18Get to Highway 1 East.
11:20Go over the rail line.
11:21End of that road, turn right.
11:23I need a scrumpy lemonade.
11:25Or lager.
11:26I have cash.
11:27For the first time, I was heading to the notorious Waihao River,
11:31which had recently gone viral for being full of brown sludge.
11:35This is the state of the Waihao box.
11:37Absolutely disgusting.
11:39Thanks very much, Ecan.
11:41You should be shot.
11:43It's just a disgrace.
11:45But when I finally got to the river, I was genuinely thrilled to see Gareth again.
11:50Oh my God, there it is.
11:52Gareth.
11:53Yeah.
11:54How are you, old friend?
11:55Not too bad, thanks.
11:57Fucking good to see you.
11:58Right.
11:59There's a lot of osps and flies out here.
12:01Yeah, sure is.
12:02It's a bucket of shit down there, don't worry.
12:04Yeah.
12:05Is that for the environment and stuff?
12:07Yeah, grow veggies.
12:08So you shit in a bucket, and then you grow veggies through it?
12:13Yeah.
12:14All right, cool.
12:16There's never a good time to tell someone their favourite burger chef has passed.
12:21So we sat down to have a talk.
12:25There's a reason why I wanted to track you down.
12:28Yeah.
12:29And it's because I've got some bad news.
12:34Fuck.
12:35Yeah, yeah.
12:36Yeah.
12:37I found out what happened to the, um, uh, to the governor.
12:48I was relieved to finally be able to tell Gareth the sad news about his friend, and glad that
12:53after I told him that he was still mine.
12:55Rest in peace, uh, my good friend, what was governor.
12:58Um, thank you for the good topside steak burgers.
13:02We'll ride a good tune sometime.
13:05Everyone just have a drink.
13:06It'll be all right.
13:07Do you believe in the afterlife or anything like that?
13:10Yeah, you have to.
13:11A bit of reincarnation, but don't take it too serious.
13:14I don't know if I believe in heaven or whatever, but if, if I do, I'd like to think the governor's
13:19up there looking down.
13:20Hmm.
13:21And I think he would be happy to know that his burgers gave you so much joy.
13:26His burgers cured my Asperger, pal.
13:29Hey dude.
13:30I'm sorry.
13:31His burgers cured your Asperger's.
13:34Cured my Asperger's.
13:36Finally, we had a drummer.
13:38The band was complete.
13:39It was time to make history.
13:42It was the perfect platform to debut a song that would hopefully inspire a nation to care about fresh water.
14:00On the biggest day of the Waimata social calendar, the legendary town festival and parade.
14:06Everyone was here.
14:07Set in square was packed with excitement.
14:10Would Jandals say top ****?
14:12Fuck yeah.
14:13And stalls selling everything from sex toys.
14:15You gotta admit, that would go very well in the bedroom.
14:17I would say so.
14:18To different sex toys.
14:20You cannot tell me this isn't a sex thing.
14:22Well, you can use it for whatever you want.
14:23Alright.
14:24How much for the copy of Despicable Me 2?
14:26Two dollars.
14:27Bargain.
14:28When you first started, I thought you were a dick.
14:30Yeah.
14:31But you're the face of the nation now.
14:32Yeah.
14:33Unfortunately.
14:34What made you change your mind on me?
14:35The way that you rub people the wrong way.
14:37Wait.
14:38So at first you hated me because I was a massive ****.
14:39Yep.
14:40And now you like me because I'm still a ****.
14:42Yep.
14:43Look, I am the top ****, so I know **** when I see one.
14:47Ha!
14:48And Waimati's newest food truck.
14:49The Governors.
14:50Gareth's tribute to the legend of the town fryer.
14:54With some of the juiciest topside beef burgers in town.
14:57A bit of tomato and lettuce on there makes everyone happy.
15:00This is awesome, man.
15:01I'm proud of you.
15:02This town could do with a decent burger store, so.
15:04Fuck yeah, bro.
15:05Top man.
15:06It was finally time to experience the delicious burgers for myself.
15:10Okay.
15:11Oh, God.
15:12It's good, man.
15:13It truly did make everyone happy, and I knew at that moment the governor was looking down
15:28on us proudly.
15:29Keep on making those burgers.
15:30Will do.
15:31Yep.
15:32But before I could enjoy another bite of that delicious burger, and I did want to do that.
15:39It was time for the main event.
15:41Mike Joy told me to bang the drum, and for the past week, I've taken that literally.
15:46Putting together an all-star cast of local legends to create a song that was going to light a fire
15:52under Waimata, Canterbury, and New Zealand.
15:56It was time for the world premiere of our new anthem.
16:00It was the biggest parade of the year.
16:10Everyone was in town.
16:12Everything I'd done in Waimate had been building to this moment.
16:15Can I say, Waimate is the greatest town in the world!
16:19The world premiere of a song that was going to save Waimate and New Zealand.
16:26I would now like to perform an original song.
16:30Waimate.
16:31Waimate.
16:32Waimate.
16:33Our water's fucked.
16:35And I'm thirsty.
16:38Thirsty for justice.
16:41They say the poison in our water is tasteless and scentless.
16:48Well I think you're tasteless and senseless.
16:50Give us our water back.
16:53E.K., listen up.
17:03Why must I, we are so far away.
17:10When the water on the tears is all we can drink.
17:16E.K., listen up.
17:20Bucket.
17:21Well, I drink piss from the bucket.
17:24And the people of our home are sadder to think.
17:33Why night day?
17:34Our wall is so full of nitrate.
17:38There is too much nitrate in the water.
17:40The wall of bees are worried about their health.
17:45Do you think they don't just make the forest?
17:47Oh, yeah, they do a bird.
17:48Our baby's come out blue.
17:50Really terrible condition.
17:51And we are plainly new.
17:55E.K., you can just show yourself.
18:02Intensive farming's gone full throttle.
18:05We drink our water from a bottle.
18:08Cheers.
18:09And we throw them in the bin hole.
18:12In the middle of the grass.
18:14I don't do that.
18:16He can refuse to talk to Guy.
18:20Tell them to his face the reasons why.
18:23For this was made with a magnifying glass.
18:29Up the water!
18:30Go the boys!
18:31Go the boys!
18:32Why night day?
18:33Our water's so full of nitrate.
18:40We just want a drink from our bodies again.
18:45You know.
18:46We've got cancer in our bums.
18:50And I'll never forgive for what she's done.
18:54We're thirsty in our town.
18:56Thirsty for justice.
19:02All right, guys, drum solo!
19:09Yeah!
19:11That was so sick, yeah.
19:13Really?
19:14That was fucking sick.
19:15That was awesome.
19:16Back to the song.
19:17It wasn't easy, but somehow we pulled it off.
19:20Probably the best song about water contamination
19:22in rural South Canterbury since Ed Sheeran's 2018 hit
19:26I Got Diarrhea and Asperta.
19:28Most importantly, the song brought everyone together.
19:31Bev made some new friends.
19:33You literally led the singing.
19:35Enid.
19:36We did it together.
19:37Gareth got some new drums.
19:40And Neil got to celebrate his divorce
19:42in front of the entire town.
19:44I now pronounce you DIVORCE!
19:49And I had received the greatest gift of all.
19:51The perfect opportunity to spread awareness
19:53about nitrates affecting my mates.
19:56Nitrate test for everyone!
19:59If this is the end of my career,
20:01and let's be honest, it probably is,
20:03then I've gone out doing what I love.
20:05Kids who want some water!
20:07Chucking bottles of water at children
20:08from the back of a trailer we hired from Caltex in Wanmata.
20:11And changing the world through the power of music.
20:15Why mate?
20:16That water's woefully nice, mate.
20:18I've told some lies before.
20:20But I'm telling you, justice!
20:21I cannot stand liars!
20:22We've got no wakes to vote.
20:23And we've got no hope.
20:24We're thirsty in our town.
20:25Thirsty for justice!
20:26I'm telling you, justice!
20:27I'm telling you, justice!
20:28I cannot stand liars!
20:29We've got no wakes to vote.
20:32good morning gore district i hope everyone is okay after what was quite an interesting friday
20:57nights yesterday we experienced higher than normal nitrate levels uh quite quickly increasing
21:04environment southland are currently investigating where the nitrate came from it may look crystal
21:09clear but the state of our country's fresh water is anything but we have just no enforcement so we
21:15have nothing happening to change what we're doing dismal appalling and an environmental emergency
21:21that's how experts have described the state of new zealand's fresh water at first glance spending
21:26weeks of my life living in rural south canterbury making a comedy show about water issues has to be
21:31one of the worst ideas i've ever had and that's saying something but it's turned into one of the
21:35most interesting exciting and important projects i've ever been a part of and that's probably not
21:40saying much a huge thank you to neil gareth bev and everyone in waimate who told me their stories and
21:47helped shine a light on an important issue that not enough people seem to know about because if
21:52nothing else this show is a cry for help an accidental expose of the dire state of news media in 2025
21:59because social media has taken over and destroyed good journalism it's flooding our lives with endless
22:05bullshit and misinformation the sheer number of people i met who have no idea about nitrates or
22:10fresh water issues has led me to believe that we need more local journalists to help keep people informed
22:16and hold big business and powerful politicians to account because the future of journalism in new
22:21zealand is like the future of fresh water it's bleak and it's getting bleaker
22:32is your research going okay for your uh topics of choice off the cuff um i've hit a few walls yeah you
22:42know the people who are probably to blame for all the problems are probably not going to do an
22:46interview with me anyway you know don't give up guy it'll be okay it was a good day i'll keep going
22:53there to get me another burger but he said he'll be there sometime next week just keep the determination
22:58keep being strong and heads up alpha so you reckon i should keep on investigating no no i think we'll take a
23:08rest but um i thought it was going to be an inspirational moment where you told me to keep on
23:13going never give up giving up yo never give up giving up i still can't tell if gareth wanted me to
23:21give up or never give up or never give up giving up but it doesn't matter fresh water is just the tip
23:26of the iceberg this similar sort of sneaky corporate political bullshit is happening all around the country
23:32from nelson's fisheries rooting the fish to k road vape stores rooting the kids i've got to work on my
23:37phrasing there i could make shows like this for the rest of my life and maybe i will because i'm guy
23:43williams and this is new zealand tomorrow
24:07so
24:13i'm
24:15i'm
24:17i'm
24:19i'm
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