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New Zealand Tomorrow Season 1 Episode 5
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FunTranscript
00:00Why Mate water is facing damnation? Look up in the distance, it's our salvation.
00:20He'll rather check it a big more bite. He'll help you when the nitrates bite.
00:29Looking for people who poison the whales. When he finds them, he'll send them to hell.
00:37Motorbike Jesus, he's coming to get you. Motorbike Jesus, you better be good in the eyes of God.
00:49I'm on the highway to hell. Hallelujah.
00:55Guy Williams is the unfunniest comedian.
00:58I'd like to say just having a good time.
01:08One of Waimate's council water supplies is poisoned, along with countless other private boars across the region.
01:14I thought taking on this story would make me a hero, but it's had the opposite effect.
01:22No, you are.
01:24Yeah, most unusual.
01:26Yeah, I am. What's going on here in Waimate on a Saturday night?
01:31It's Waimate.
01:36I think they just called me gay.
01:40I'm fine with that.
01:42I've pissed off farmers.
01:44They're putting nitrate in the water.
01:45Oh, fuck off.
01:46Politicians.
01:47To demonise the dairy industry is to demonise one of New Zealand's most important industries.
01:53And even the experts I thought I was helping.
01:56It's not like a comedic issue for me.
01:59So I panicked and tried to pivot back to light entertainment.
02:02But when I found out the reason for the town fryer closing, it was anything but light.
02:07He passed away.
02:08So you won't be able to find him unless you go through the pearly gates, I don't think.
02:12What's worse is that I couldn't even tell Gareth.
02:15Yeah, it's all like a big mystery.
02:18I felt like I betrayed my only friend.
02:20I should have known this would happen.
02:22I should have listened to Bev.
02:23People don't tend to like me because I tell the truth.
02:27I tried to tell the truth.
02:29And now the people didn't like me either.
02:31I didn't know what to do.
02:32And in South Canterbury, when you stray from the light, there's only one way to turn.
02:37Towards Motorbike Jesus coming to get you.
02:40But he was busy.
02:41And then I had an even better idea.
02:44If I was public enemy number two, I had to talk to public enemy number one.
02:49Here you go.
02:50Thank you so much.
02:54Coaster, please.
02:56Nice to see you again, Bev.
02:58Yeah, nice to see you too.
02:59I discovered this town and it's a beautiful little town.
03:02I love it.
03:03Yeah.
03:04But there is like an issue with a little bit of the water supply.
03:08And it's getting worse.
03:09Recent scientific studies have shown that it might be connected to bowel cancer.
03:12Mm.
03:13Yeah.
03:14But when I talk to the locals about the water, I feel like they get anger with me and upset.
03:18The thing is, there's all these scientific outcomes.
03:23Why are you using the quote marks?
03:25Well, because they're scientific.
03:28Do you not believe in science?
03:30Well, don't believe everything you hear.
03:32Wait, wait, wait.
03:33You know?
03:34No, but if scientists say it, we should listen to scientists, shouldn't we?
03:36To a certain extent, you've got to have the facts to back it up.
03:39No, but that's what the scientists do.
03:40They literally get the facts.
03:41That's what they're doing.
03:42Wow.
03:43And what's really interesting though is that science moves really slowly, right?
03:46So for a long time, we thought smoking was healthy for you.
03:50It took a long time to 100% prove that smoking causes cancer.
03:54I wouldn't say smoking causes cancer.
03:57It does.
03:58I would say smoking aggravates cancer.
04:01No, smoking causes cancer.
04:03Is it proven?
04:04Yes, it is.
04:05Wow.
04:06It got proven like the 1970s.
04:07Well, I don't know.
04:09Bev!
04:10Nah.
04:11But anyway, I didn't really want to get into an argument about smoking.
04:14The reason I'm here is because I feel like the town doesn't like me much.
04:18I like you.
04:19John likes you.
04:20Kimberly likes you.
04:21Cheers, John.
04:22I like you.
04:23Cheers, John.
04:24I will have seen on Facebook some comments from people in Wyoming that don't like you.
04:29Okay.
04:30Are you on Facebook.com?
04:32Yep.
04:33Is that a good website?
04:34Yeah, it's pretty good.
04:38What are you searching?
04:39Guy Williams.
04:42Has Guy Williams ever done anything funny or good?
04:45I can't think of anything.
04:47The reply to that is, short answer, no he hasn't.
04:50What?
04:51Guy Williams is the unfunniest comedian I have ever seen.
04:55What a loser.
04:56Certainly not a comedian.
04:58What?
04:59That's the reason to keep away, he's a dropkick.
05:01Do you think dropkick is positive or negative?
05:03Very negative.
05:04Oh no.
05:05There was 46 comments and barely any of them are good.
05:09That's just a few people out of Waimati.
05:12The thing is, the people that I do know can be two faced.
05:17I have had people talk nicely to me one minute and the next week I've heard them bitch about me behind my back to somebody else.
05:26What do you feel when you feel like everyone hates you?
05:28How do you feel about that?
05:29Um, it's not nice.
05:31I feel like what's the point in waking up in the morning.
05:38Do you feel like you don't have many friends in Waimati?
05:41I don't have any friends.
05:43Every time, how do I say this?
05:46I just want to go and smash your face in because of their lies.
05:52Yeah.
05:53I cannot stand liars.
05:55Well Bev, I think I'm your friend now.
05:57And also I think maybe more people in Waimati just need to get to know you like I have.
06:03I don't think they will though.
06:05People believe what they want to.
06:08They don't bother finding out the facts.
06:10Well this is exactly my issue, right? No one wants to look at the facts.
06:13Yeah.
06:14I want to go around to ECAN and chuck a brick through their window.
06:17Yeah.
06:18Or Fonterra because I believe the major dairy industry are ruining New Zealand's environment.
06:24I work for Fonterra.
06:26What?
06:27Yes.
06:28You work for them right now?
06:29Yes, I am employed by Fonterra.
06:31What an amazing twist!
06:32I didn't even know Fonterra is right behind me.
06:34Yep.
06:35There is runoff from farms and that, yes.
06:38Yeah.
06:39But our main export from New Zealand is milk.
06:41If you take away the farmers, New Zealand will die.
06:45It is part of their culture that every worker for Fonterra does the best for the environment.
06:50Do you think Fonterra could be greenwashing?
06:54No, I don't believe so.
06:55I was shocked that John was so trusting of everything his employer was telling him.
06:59But I wasn't surprised.
07:01Because just like Bev said, people believe what they want to believe.
07:04They don't bother finding out the facts.
07:07Which was proven by what she said 30 seconds before that.
07:10I wouldn't say smoking causes cancer.
07:13It does!
07:14I didn't doubt that John and his workmates were doing the best that they could.
07:17But it might be harder to say the same about the people in charge.
07:21Fonterra is New Zealand's biggest and most important company.
07:25It's also New Zealand's biggest and most important polluter.
07:28From methane out the front to nitrates out the back, most people would agree that New Zealand has too many cows.
07:34Everyone agrees we've got too much.
07:35You've got to admit we've got too much.
07:36No, I don't.
07:37There's a lot of cows out there.
07:38But some Kiwis might be shocked to learn that New Zealand is now the world's largest importer of palm kernel.
07:44Or that Fonterra's factories are one of New Zealand's largest burners of coal.
07:48A 2024 report by a British environmental NGO titled The New Merchants of Doubt.
07:53Specifically named Fonterra along with global food giant Nestle as one of the major companies using distract, delay and derail strategies.
08:01That they claim mirror those used by the tobacco industry.
08:04Well, I don't know.
08:06I don't know.
08:07In 2022, Otago University released a two-year study based on world-leading research connecting nitrates and drinking water to bowel cancer.
08:15A study disputing much of this, quoting wrong information, was funded by none other than Fonterra,
08:21who spend five times their yearly research budget on marketing and PR.
08:26Helping kids grow strong. Milk for schools.
08:29Leading freshwater ecologist Mike Joy has described Fonterra's PR campaigns as utter greenwashing.
08:35Spending millions of dollars every year to make themselves look good and distract from the massive damage they're doing behind the scenes.
08:42When we asked Fonterra to respond, their PR department argued details of all these claims and reiterated that sustainability is a priority for the company.
08:50Stating they take any claims of greenwashing very seriously and that the health and wellbeing of the New Zealand public is important to all of us.
08:57Our goal is to remove coal from our operations in 2037 and we continue to make progress towards reducing manufacturing emissions.
09:05In their email to us, they repeated their claims that they believe it's highly unlikely that nitrates and drinking water present an increased risk of cancer.
09:13As for other damages caused by nitrates, Fonterra points to their farm environmental plans,
09:18which aim to reduce individual farms' nitrogen, phosphorus, sediment and E.coli emissions.
09:24Personally, I think that PR, marketing and greenwashing is a massive part of the story of Waimate.
09:30Around here, most people probably think that big dairy is working hard to protect the environment,
09:34when really they're working hard to disguise the truth.
09:37And that's when I realised what I needed to do.
09:40If Fonterra could use PR and marketing to trick the locals into thinking they're awesome, then so could I.
09:58My reputation in Waimate was mud.
10:00My water investigation was pissing people off, not least within the Waimate Community Facebook page.
10:06Guy Williams is the unfunniest comedian I have ever seen. What a loser.
10:10But I had a plan to turn things around.
10:12A PR campaign to save my public image.
10:16If Fonterra could do it, then so could I.
10:19I just need to film myself helping people around town.
10:22First stop, the Wallaby Sanctuary.
10:25Last time I was here, I'd made fun of Gwen's confusing and outdated sign.
10:29I must get some yellow paint and splosh across there, because the Queen is dead, isn't she?
10:33So I got some paint and sploshed it across there.
10:36Pull it straight. There you go.
10:38Now all I needed to do was advertise it online.
10:41And I knew of a pretty good website that might come in handy.
10:44Are you on Facebook.com?
10:46Yeah, pretty good.
10:47Facebook. If Donald Trump can use it to trick people into thinking that he's a good guy, then so can I.
10:54So I posted to the Waimate Community Facebook page.
10:58And before long, the likes and loves were rolling in.
11:01Don't look at those.
11:03Early indications were good, so I rolled up my sleeves and got stuck in around town.
11:08I did everything. Radio appearances.
11:11This goes out to all the haters out there.
11:13Talking to farmers.
11:15I think farmers are the greatest patriots that have ever lived in New Zealand history.
11:19Oh, thank you, Guy. That means a lot.
11:21Feeding livestock.
11:22Singing with local iwi.
11:24Hosting community events.
11:25So you excited about winning a meat pack?
11:27Yeah, I'll give it a try.
11:28He's got meat fever.
11:30Alright, let's do the draw.
11:32And supporting local businesses.
11:38Thanks so much, bro.
11:40Doing everything I could to get the people back on my side.
11:44And sharing my exploits all over the Waimate Community Facebook page.
11:50But after 45 minutes of pretending to help and changing suits to create the illusion of time passing,
11:55I felt like I'd hardly move the needle.
11:57Ladies and gentlemen, this is Guy Williams from New Zealand Today.
12:02It wasn't working. I needed to think big.
12:05To make Waimate love me, I needed a PR stunt that would capture hearts and minds.
12:11My first idea was a space program featuring Katy Perry.
12:14My second and more realistic thought was to officiate a wedding
12:17and invite everyone from town.
12:19From Kim K to Michael J.
12:21A sham wedding was a PR classic.
12:23But I didn't know anyone who needed to get married.
12:26In fact, in this town, it seemed like I knew more people keen for a divorce.
12:30And I had no arguing with my wife.
12:32Who effed it in the crowd.
12:34So legally married, but...
12:36Oh, you're still married to her?
12:37Legally.
12:38And that's when I had a brilliant idea.
12:41Last time we spoke, you mentioned that you're still married.
12:45Legally.
12:46Yeah. No, you are.
12:48Legally.
12:49You're still married to your ex-wife?
12:51Legally.
12:54The first time I met Neil, he had told me about his crazy two-day weekend.
12:59So someone at the Aussie Osborne concert back in 2009.
13:02Yeah, he probably found my wedding ring.
13:04Why'd your wedding end at the Aussie Osborne?
13:06I came home and caught her in bed with my tattooist.
13:08Oh my God.
13:09I feel like you need to get divorced.
13:11Legally, you think so?
13:12You gotta tidy that shit up.
13:13If you found her and got me a piece of paper to sign, I'd sign it.
13:16Okay.
13:17Fuck, if you did that, you'd fuck it in there.
13:19You'd make my day too.
13:20It wasn't as romantic as a wedding, but it was even better.
13:23This was exactly the spectacle I needed.
13:26A huge public divorce ceremony.
13:29A quirky small town farmer.
13:30A beautiful romance.
13:32Now I've got an old woman that cooks and cleans and she's awesome.
13:35It was a dream divorce.
13:36Social media was gonna love it.
13:38And I was going to get all the credit.
13:41So we headed to Neil's favourite spot, the burn pit, to start the paperwork.
13:45Good place to clear your mind?
13:46It's his because I can burn rubbish and I love fire.
13:49I'll tell you what, every time I see this burn pit, it gets more and more beautiful.
13:55And bigger.
13:56How would you start a letter?
13:57Dear Monique.
13:58Well, about two, because the deer's a bit sloppy.
14:00Don't be too emotional.
14:01No.
14:02One thing I remember positively about our relationship is...
14:05Oh God.
14:06Nothing with it, eh?
14:07Oh, okay, yeah.
14:08The first year we were together, we fucked every day for the first year.
14:11Now there's a positive.
14:12Yeah, that's really positive.
14:13I had everything I needed.
14:15And despite Neil's insistence that Mons would be hard to track down,
14:18I knew of a pretty good website that might come in handy.
14:21Yeah, it's pretty good.
14:23Facebook again.
14:25If the Russian government can use Facebook to find out which of my uncles is most likely
14:29to be afraid of trans people, then surely I can use it to find Neil's ex two towns over.
14:34And soon enough, I was headed north to meet the other half of that legendary two-day weekend.
14:51My efforts to investigate New Zealand's water issues had crashed head first into a wall of PR from the powerful milk powder industry.
14:58So I was doing crazy publicity stunts to try and rebuild my image.
15:02My best idea was to try and charm the community by publicising a high-profile divorce.
15:06So I was on the hunt for Neil's ex-wife.
15:10Hello.
15:11Hello.
15:12Hello.
15:13Hello.
15:14My name's Guy Williams.
15:15I'm from a show called New Zealand Tomorrow.
15:17Oh, yeah.
15:18What brings you here?
15:19I met in Waimate a man named Neil.
15:21Yeah, I realise this is very weird.
15:23Yeah, it is.
15:24It is quite weird.
15:25I'm really stoked to track you down.
15:26I was just wondering if I could talk a little bit.
15:27Yeah, yeah, I suppose.
15:28You can come in.
15:29All right, thank you.
15:30Mons eventually agreed to talk.
15:32And as soon as I entered, I was immediately reminded of her old flame.
15:36Oh my gosh, you've got a burn pit.
15:38Oh, don't put that on the camera.
15:41So you have the same tattoo that he has.
15:44Well, I've got his initials in mine, and then he's got my initials in his.
15:49He blacked his out.
15:50Did he?
15:54What is that reaction?
15:55Oh, like, if anyone was going to black it out, it should have been me.
15:58Yeah.
15:59Was it done by the same tattoos?
16:00Yeah, it was, yep.
16:01The marriage celebrant.
16:02Oh, wow, that's cool.
16:04Yeah, he also supplied the drugs, which at the time was BZP, which was at the time legal.
16:09So you had a marriage celebrant who was also a drug dealer and a tattoo artist.
16:13Correct.
16:14Yeah, I'm sure he did acid with us on the wedding day too.
16:17Neil said you guys had a fight.
16:18He pulled off his ring, and he threw it across the stadium.
16:22Yeah, he did.
16:23He said at the concert you were being a, quote, skank.
16:27Did he?
16:29Yeah.
16:30A promiscuous maybe.
16:31Well, no.
16:32I would like to say just having a good time.
16:34Yeah.
16:35Like...
16:36He's got false teeth, eh?
16:37I didn't know he had false teeth.
16:38There's a funny story.
16:39They went to go pick up his phone for him, and they opened it up and he had pictures of,
16:44like, his false teeth, like, with his dick through the middle of the teeth, like, and
16:49like, and they were like, what the fuck?
16:50And they were like, what did you go into the bathroom, like, take your teeth out and
16:53like, and then take a photo of it.
16:55Like, what is this?
16:56You gotta know that is quite funny though.
16:57That is quite weird, yeah.
16:58It's quite funny, yeah.
16:59Quite weird though, eh?
17:00So I thought I'd come here and I'd struggle to get you to get a divorce.
17:03Not at all.
17:04Nah, I'm stoked.
17:06I've tried numerous times to contact him and get that sorted, you know?
17:09You're not still in love with Neil?
17:11I'm not still in love with Neil, no.
17:13Not at all.
17:14I couldn't believe it.
17:15Mons was happy, Neil was stoked, and I was thrilled.
17:19I'm glad that when you die I won't get half your stuff anymore.
17:22No, no, normally you want to get half the stuff.
17:24Yeah, I wouldn't want his stuff.
17:25Absolutely.
17:26So I'm glad that when you die I don't have to get your stuff.
17:28Yeah, that's right.
17:29The paperwork was signed and I was back on the road, kicking ass and taking names.
17:34Next stop was Wellington's Waterfront Stadium, site of the best two-day weekend ever, to claim
17:40every ring in lost property.
17:42I returned to Waimate like a hero.
17:46Finally, I had done something worthwhile.
17:50Thank you so much, Nigel.
17:52I didn't have to worry about offending farmers or politicians or being criticised online.
17:57Finally, I was making a difference.
18:00And I couldn't wait to tell Neil the good news.
18:03Bro, check this out.
18:05See that name right there?
18:07You're fucking shitting me, man.
18:09You fucking did it.
18:10Yeah.
18:11Fucking did it, man.
18:12Yeah.
18:13Cheers, brother.
18:14Good on you, bro.
18:15Yeah, congratulations.
18:16Fuck, I like you more now.
18:17You are now a single man.
18:18Yeah, you beauty.
18:19You fucking beauty.
18:20As the sun set, we were headed back to the burn pit, where I had one more surprise for
18:25Neil.
18:26Check this out.
18:27I've been to Westpac Stadium.
18:29Open up your hands.
18:30That's not my ring.
18:31Open up your hands.
18:34Oh my God.
18:37That's the ring.
18:38We got it.
18:40That is my wedding ring.
18:42Well, it was my wedding ring.
18:43Yeah.
18:44What the fuck's that?
18:45What is that?
18:46Fuck if I know.
18:47What the fuck?
18:48That's yours, mate.
18:49What the fuck is that?
18:50That's fucking yours.
18:51What is it?
18:52That's a fucking cock ring.
18:53Oh!
18:54Oh!
18:55Oh!
18:56What is going on?
18:57Not fucking mine, bro.
18:58Mine would fit in this one, not that one.
19:01Neil drenched the pit in flammable liquids.
19:03That's quite a lot, Neil.
19:04Yeah, it's all right.
19:05It's gonna go.
19:08Whoa, shit!
19:11With the pit ablaze, it was time to throw the rings into the fire of mountain.
19:15There we go.
19:16Shivers.
19:17There we go.
19:18You ready for this?
19:19I'm ready.
19:20Yep.
19:21Born ready.
19:22To whom it may concern, brackets Neil, brackets Dickwad.
19:27Too many.
19:28I feel like our marriage just isn't working out.
19:31Our relationship was a hole in my heart, like the holes in your teeth.
19:35I remember one time we had a two day weekend and it was awesome.
19:39However, I didn't really like it when you were a skanky skank pants.
19:43One thing that I didn't like about Rock to Wellington was being portrayed to be a skank and I wasn't even a skank.
19:50All I was doing was humbly rocking while on acid and kissing other men because they were hotter than you and had a full set of teeth and also had my tits out.
20:00Everybody loved looking at them.
20:02One thing I did like about you is your friends were hot.
20:05I will not lie.
20:07I'll rank them three Annabelle, two Lynnie, one Rachel.
20:11One time you made me laugh was when I caught you taking pictures of your dick in your dentures.
20:17Just to clarify, that means that you took your dentures out and put them around your dick.
20:23Not your dick was that long that it fit in your mouth.
20:26One thing I really appreciate about you is you had a lovely smile Monique.
20:30I hope you're still smiling to this day.
20:32But what I really would like is...
20:34Divorce!
20:36Thanks for all the good memories, good riddance, good luck.
20:40All the best Monique.
20:42Neil.
20:44Goodbye forever, thanks.
20:46Do you feel good?
20:57Yep, feel great.
20:58I feel, um, less burdened and, um, ready to be a scatch.
21:03No, no.
21:06P.S.
21:07Up the motherfucking waves!
21:10As their wedding rings slowly disintegrated amongst the carcinogenic fumes of the burning plastic bottles,
21:15a sense of closure filled the cold Waimate night air.
21:19And maybe the toxic smoke was poisoning my brain,
21:22but seeing Neil's smile after showing him the signed divorce papers made it all worthwhile.
21:27It reminded me that I didn't need some flashy PR campaign to impress some douche in a Hilux or some assholes on Facebook.
21:34I just needed to help out some friends.
21:37And some of those friends still didn't have clean drinking water.
21:41I couldn't lose sight of why I was here, but I was out of ideas.
21:45I'd done dozens of interviews, hundreds of hours of research.
21:48I'd tried so hard to report the truth, but somehow that wasn't enough.
21:52I needed a reset and a new angle.
21:55I needed to find the joy in this story.
21:58Dr. Mike Joy.
22:02I travelled back to Wellington to meet one of my heroes.
22:05I believe it's the right of all New Zealanders to have clean drinking water.
22:08A legendary ecologist who's been fighting the fight for almost as long as I'd been alive.
22:13Things are bad and they're getting worse. There's no sign of any improvement.
22:17A man who tussled with powerful politicians and big dairy and never backed down.
22:21Somehow we have to expose this bullshit.
22:24If anyone knew what I should do next, it would be him.
22:27The only way you can see that as white gold is if you shut your eyes and block your ears and ignore the reality of the impacts and how unsustainable it is.
22:35This was my chance to find the inspiration that I was looking for.
22:44Next week on the season finale of New Zealand Tomorrow.
22:48New Zealand is fucked.
22:53And I leave Waimate with a bang.
23:00Yeah!
23:05We have, we have a bang.
23:20We have a bang.
23:22We are now in.
23:28Now, on the season finale of New Zealand,
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