- 5 months ago
Mitchell And Webb Are Not Helping S01E06
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
00:11I guess I was just attracted to the simplicity of it.
00:15You know, the communal living, everyone under one roof,
00:19the shared mealtime, the constant presence of the team members in their special clothes.
00:25They had this hierarchy of star symbols, and the compound that I was put in, it had four stars.
00:34And that meant you couldn't get hot food at night?
00:37Yeah, I mean, we could get food at night, but only sandwiches.
00:44They would come into your room when you were out, and you could tell, you know, that they'd been there.
00:51How could you tell?
00:53They'd tidy up.
00:55They'd make your bed and tuck the sheets in really tight, like abnormally tight,
00:59like no human could get into that bed.
01:02If they came in at night, they'd leave a chocolate on your pillow.
01:06Why?
01:07Some kind of warning.
01:10You know, we can come and go as we please.
01:13You know, today it's a chocolate, but tomorrow it could be a turd or a horse's head.
01:18Although, in fairness, it was always a chocolate.
01:24They also communicate through towels.
01:27You'd leave a towel on the floor or on the side of the bath, and they'd take it from you
01:32and replace it with a different but identical towel,
01:36and leave it on the radiator near the sign saying that they were trying to save the planet via towels.
01:43Which planet?
01:46They didn't say.
01:47It was the keys that broke me.
01:49They would give you a key, you know, for your numbered room, but it was heavy.
01:55It was like some kind of anvil.
01:58And if you wanted to go out, they would say, leave your key.
02:01Leave your key with us.
02:04And I didn't want to leave my key.
02:06I didn't want to, but it was so heavy.
02:10It was so heavy, you see.
02:14So I would leave my key.
02:19And then they started to ask for money.
02:21Money?
02:22They suddenly wanted hundreds and hundreds of pounds.
02:26I'm so sorry.
02:27They'd been keeping a record of everything I'd eaten.
02:30And then they said it cost, like, five times what it would cost to buy in the shop.
02:36In the end, I just paid what they wanted.
02:38Every penny.
02:39It was the only way.
02:40I paid, and then I just ran.
02:42I left everything.
02:43And was that the last contact you had with them?
02:47No.
02:48They emailed me the next day,
02:51asking if I wanted my stuff.
02:54Like they were taunting me.
02:55It was so horrible.
02:56I told them to just burn it.
03:00I'm a bit worried about that hotel sketch, because...
03:04Oh, it's a hotel?
03:06Well, yes.
03:07Sorry, I thought it was a cult.
03:09I think how it works is they talk about it like it was a cult,
03:12but it's actually a hotel.
03:14Hence, comedy.
03:16But what I'm worried about is that people in the hospitality sector
03:19have had a really rough time, actually,
03:21and I'm just worried that they're going to see that sketch
03:23and go, oh, they're laughing at us.
03:25It's just very negative.
03:27It is very negative,
03:28but my worry isn't that we're laughing at the hospitality sector.
03:32It's worse.
03:34We're laughing at people that get into cults.
03:36You know, nitwits and wallies and clots.
03:38Oh, don't say clots.
03:40Very offensive to stroke survivors.
03:42Of course, and people who died of strokes.
03:44Yeah, but they don't tend to write in.
03:46Yeah, I mean, like, their ghost or their families.
03:49I meant their families.
03:50Look, we can't be punching down to, at or on, nitwits, wallies
03:53or people who work in hotels.
03:54We just can't do that.
03:55Yeah, it'd be very harsh and negative to be punching down to
03:58or of people who just happen to be wrong about everything.
04:02OK, so let's write a lovely positive sketch
04:05about something that we love.
04:07Lara, what are your passions?
04:08What are you passionate about?
04:10Golf.
04:10I'm crazy about golf.
04:12Crazy golf?
04:13No, just regular golf.
04:14I just love it.
04:15Golf is my happy place.
04:16You know, the green, the holes, the holes.
04:20You want to see a picture of me in my happy place?
04:23Oh, you do look very happy.
04:25OK, great.
04:26Let's just do a lovely sketch about golf
04:28where no one gets hurt.
04:30Not people who love golf, not people who hate golf.
04:32Not people who've never heard of golf.
04:35What kind of moron has never heard of golf?
04:41Previously on Swery Aussie Drama.
04:44This is my fucking farm.
04:45This fucking farm's my fucking farm now.
04:49This is my fucking farm now.
04:52It's my fucking farm again.
04:54Sorry, whose fucking farm is it?
04:57I found a fucking wheel.
04:59Fuck.
05:00Fuck.
05:00Fuck.
05:00Fuck.
05:00Fuck.
05:15It's yours, you nobber.
05:20Shit.
05:21What are you trying to blow this fucking farm sky fucking high?
05:36Too fucking right.
05:37I love the tits of you, you stone-cold cunt.
05:41Want to run a fucking farm?
05:42Fightin'
05:49Take a fucking seat.
05:56Not so fucking fast.
05:58What the fuck?
06:06The fuck, psych.
06:07Groino, fuck.
06:09Who the fuck are you?
06:24So all we need is your DBS check and you can start with a new turn.
06:28Oh, brilliant.
06:30And how do we do the DBS check?
06:32Do you need anything from me?
06:33Oh, it's a straightforward process.
06:35But the format has changed recently.
06:37We used to just rely on your criminal history,
06:39but that only told us if you'd been caught or not.
06:42And let me tell you, there are a lot of very clever pedos out there.
06:46So, if you wouldn't mind?
06:52Oh, I'd go through that.
06:54Through that?
06:55Yes.
06:56Clarence will be conducting the check today.
06:59Okay.
07:00Hello?
07:16I'm here for the DBS check.
07:18Scared, aren't you?
07:21You've surprised me.
07:23What if I was a child?
07:24What do you mean, what if I was a child?
07:26What would you do if I was a child?
07:27I don't know.
07:28Incorrect.
07:29The answer I was looking for was not assault you.
07:32That's strike one of three.
07:33Oh, God.
07:35Erm.
07:38You have a bag of sweets.
07:39Do you A, eat them?
07:40B, put them away to be eaten at the time of your choosing?
07:43Or C, lure a child into your van?
07:45Well, not C, obviously.
07:47Interesting.
07:48I thought this was going to be a form, or...
07:50A child comes to you for help with a minor injury.
07:52Do you A, contact their parents?
07:54B, dial 111.
07:55C, flirt?
07:57Is this a joke?
07:58Do you think this is funny?
08:00No.
08:01Erm, I would contact their parents and then dial 111, obviously.
08:04Oh, you think you're so clever, don't you?
08:07You think you're so above board, sexually.
08:09I am.
08:10I've got kids of my own.
08:12Oh, I can't be a nonce!
08:14Some of my best friends are children!
08:16That's not what I said!
08:18This is a line-up of various children.
08:21Who do you think's the fittest?
08:23None of them.
08:24Bearing in mind these are photos of children from the 1970s
08:26who are adults now, so this is fine.
08:28Still none of them.
08:29It's multiple choice, I'm afraid.
08:30You can have A, fit as in athletic.
08:33I'd have to see them do a bleep test first.
08:35B, none.
08:36Or C, third child on the right?
08:37B, none.
08:38Oh, very convenient.
08:39Question four.
08:40But if you had to pick, if you had to, would it be A, one, B, two, or C?
08:45I can't choose.
08:46C, I can't choose.
08:47I haven't finished.
08:48C, I can't choose.
08:49They're all quite hot.
08:50Not that one!
08:51Not which one?
08:52Who do you mean?
08:53Apart from that one, obviously, he's a minger.
08:54No, I mean not that one as in not option C.
08:56And I don't think you can call a child a minger.
08:58Oh, so you do have an opinion about which child is hotter?
09:00No, I don't.
09:01You're going to look me in the eye and tell me that that child is not less attractive
09:05than the other children.
09:06That child is me, by the way, when I was a young lad.
09:08And I don't mind saying it, I was a munter.
09:11No, you weren't a munter, you've got a lovely angelic face.
09:15Okay, you fancy me as a child.
09:17No!
09:18You have an answer question for...
09:19Because I don't agree with any of them.
09:20Correct.
09:21If you had to choose between being a pedo and doing 9-11, which would you go for?
09:26I'm... I'm leaving.
09:28All right, Gary Glitter.
09:32Sorry, but there's absolutely...
09:34So it seems you passed the DBS check with no obvious issues.
09:37Oh, okay.
09:42Great.
09:43So, shall I just see you in September?
09:46But I'm afraid we can't let you proceed because you failed the 9-11 check.
09:50So you're probably a terrorist.
09:52Okay, so lovely positive golf sketch.
10:03Um, exterior day, golf course, it's a beautiful day.
10:07Golfer 1 says, what a lovely game of golf I'm having.
10:11Good, that's a nice naturalistic bit of exposition.
10:13And maybe Golfer 2 says, yes, it's excellent, isn't it?
10:17I love golf.
10:19And Golfer 3 says, and not just golf, there are so many beautiful things in this world that we should be grateful for.
10:27That's lovely.
10:28Why don't we write more sketches like this?
10:30This is going really well, isn't it?
10:32I'm not worried about it, you know?
10:35Whenever there's a joke, you worry.
10:38Yeah, you do.
10:39You worry, you know?
10:40Will they laugh?
10:41Will it upset someone?
10:42Will it get translated into another language where it turns out it's a slur?
10:46You worry.
10:47Yeah, you're right.
10:48It's jokes, isn't it?
10:50The problem has been jokes.
10:52I suddenly understand why everyone loves Ted Lasso.
10:55Oh, that does feel a bit negative, Rob.
10:57No, no, no, I don't mean it negatively.
10:59I think they're really onto something.
11:00No jokes, no problem.
11:02Just pleasant interactions between people of good faith.
11:05There's literally nothing to object to.
11:08This is great.
11:10Well, let's try something a bit visual.
11:12Uh, golfer one takes a shot.
11:14Golfer two says, good shot.
11:19Fucking hell, I love this.
11:20I could watch this all day.
11:21And then maybe aliens land and the golfers get scared for a second.
11:26Oh, is that stressful?
11:27No, no, let me finish.
11:28And then the head alien says, can we play?
11:31Oh, yeah.
11:33Yeah, and then they just have a lovely time.
11:36Yeah.
11:38And then maybe one of the aliens starts wanking.
11:48Sebastian, we are thrilled that you're going to be reading your novel here.
11:51Well, thank you for having me.
11:53Of course.
11:54We have a few minutes before the event, and I did have a bit of a cheeky request, actually.
11:58Ooh, cheeky.
12:00So you know we sponsor a young writers' competition.
12:02Of course, wonderful.
12:03Yeah, and we actually have the short story finalists, and they're just over there in that corner,
12:08and I know it's a bit last minute, but it would mean the world to them
12:12if you would just go and maybe say hi and maybe have, like, a quick selfie with them.
12:17That would be no problem whatsoever. I'd be delighted.
12:21Yeah, there's absolutely no fucking way he's doing that.
12:24Oh, okay, yes, I guess it was a bit of a cheeky...
12:27Shall I go over now? I mean, it's no trouble. I'm here.
12:30Oh, yes, if you would, that would be so...
12:32Look, he's got a fucking book to promote. He's not here to make fucking friends with some snot-nosed kids.
12:37Maybe they could come here, and I could sign a book for each of them.
12:41I mean, the books are here. Would that make sense?
12:43That is so generous. That would be... I'll just go and I'll fetch them quickly.
12:47Where the fuck are you going? It's not happening.
12:49How many times do I have to tell you? It's event, signing, car.
12:53I tell you what, I don't have any lunch plans.
12:54Maybe, um, if they're free, I could take them to that lovely trattoria around the corner,
13:00and, um, maybe they could pick my so-called brains about the writing process.
13:04I mean, I doubt they've got much to learn from me. They're clearly so talented.
13:07But, uh, I'd be happy to lend them the benefit of my experience, such as it is.
13:13Well, that would be lovely.
13:13He's fucking sick of this. He wants to go. The event's off. You've blown it.
13:18I'm really looking forward to the event.
13:20Car, now. He's going. Sebastian thinks you're a dick.
13:24It's been absolutely lovely.
13:26This has been fucking unacceptable.
13:43So his wife was dying. He knew that. Everyone knew that.
13:52So he goes over to Calais to one of those warehouses to get a cheap deal on booze for the funeral, you know, the wake.
13:57Is this pre-Brexit?
13:58Pre-Brexit. So financially, it makes sense.
14:01Yeah, good idea.
14:02But is it, though? Financially speaking, it's a no-brainer.
14:05But my question is, is it... on?
14:09On?
14:10Like, okay, morally speaking, cheap booze for a do, great.
14:15But when the do is a funeral of a loved one who's still alive, does that taste a bit funny?
14:20I'd say anything less than five euros for a box is always going to taste funny, no matter where you get it.
14:25No, I mean, I mean, is it all right?
14:28My question is, did he tell her?
14:30Yeah, good question.
14:32Did he say to her, tell you what, love, I'm very sorry you're dying,
14:35but we will have to offer some hospitality when that happens,
14:38so I'm getting ahead on that, and the great news is that I've got an absolute bargain
14:42on a perfectly coiffable Cote d'Aaron.
14:45Yes, he did.
14:47Well, in that case, that's fine.
14:48In that case, that's fine.
14:49See? This is a thing, it divides opinion.
14:52That's why it's a good one.
14:53Brought this up at Christmas lunch, and people went really quiet just thinking about it.
14:57Is that what you want? Christmas Day?
14:59Oh, yeah, no point dragging it out.
15:01If there's a pause in the conversation, so you can get the dishes in the kitchen,
15:04or you can make a little noise in the back of your throat so that Susan gets the dishes in the kitchen.
15:07Oh, too right, yeah, you've got to push through it.
15:09You've got to screw up your paper hat and start binning all this shit from the crackers.
15:13Big light on, tell the kids to clear all this mess up.
15:16Yeah, that's right. Cloth off, table back to normal size, then you can make a start on the tree.
15:19Yeah, absolutely. If possible, I like to get the tree down by the end of Moana.
15:23They complain, of course, but I just say to them, look, it's a musical.
15:26You can easily hear the songs over the hoover.
15:28Yeah, that's right. In-laws in a cab, slam.
15:30See you at Easter, house back to normal.
15:32And then it's done. It's over. You've done it.
15:35Normal. You don't have to do it anymore because you've done it. It's finished.
15:39Apart from the all-day Baileys.
15:42Don't really like Baileys.
15:45I don't really mean Baileys, I mean lager, but around Christmas we call it Baileys.
15:50Stephen, it's finally happening. She's asked for a word.
16:00Right. Yes.
16:02Did she say anything else?
16:04She had something important to tell us.
16:06Okay, I'm ready.
16:08I'm getting ready.
16:11Just remember, we've got one chance to do this right.
16:15Oh, hello, love.
16:19Do you want to sit down?
16:25Your mum says you've got something on your mind.
16:27It's okay, sweetie. Take your time.
16:29I'm letting her take her time.
16:31All the time you need.
16:33For a while now, I wanted to tell you guys something, but something stopped me.
16:38Anyway, I just can't carry on not saying. I want you to know all of me.
16:42Well, we want to know you too, love, and we're ready to accept whatever, whatever it is you want to tell us about your...
16:52Sexuality.
16:53Right.
16:54It's all right, love. You can say it.
16:56Okay.
16:58Mum, Dad, I'm...
17:02I'm a right slag.
17:07I just want to say thank you so much for trusting us enough to share that with us.
17:13Oh, God, that feels good to say aloud. I feel so much lighter. Honestly, I think I've always known, since you were a little girl, that I was a right slag.
17:23That you were a right slag.
17:25And you're not upset?
17:26No, of course not. And your father's not upset either, are you, love?
17:29No, of course not. I accept and love you whatever, whether or not you're a right slut.
17:39Stephen, Dad, I knew you'd be like this.
17:41What have I said?
17:42She's not a slut.
17:44I'm a slag, okay? A right slag.
17:47I'm sorry, I just want to make sure I've understood.
17:50Help me to understand. What exactly does being a right slag mean to you?
17:59Just that I really like it up me. Right up. I don't know how else to say it.
18:04I'm a slag bag, a ho bag. I'm over easy. I'm happy with all that terminology.
18:09Some people would call me the village bike.
18:11And you'd be okay with that?
18:13It's just who I am.
18:15It's who she is, Stephen.
18:16But you're not a slut?
18:17Um, no, Dad. A slut gets stuff in return for sex.
18:21Money. A flat, maybe.
18:24I give it away for free.
18:26I put it about a lot. With anyone.
18:29Anyone at all. I'm a slag.
18:32I gobble for Britain.
18:34And I'd like to know that you, my parents, support me as I do that.
18:38Is that so weird?
18:40I suppose not. No, love.
18:42In fact, I tell you what, on your graduation day next summer,
18:46me and your mum will be there in the audience watching you accept your certificate,
18:52your special scroll.
18:54And we'll be as proud as punch.
18:57And if a stranger sitting next to me says,
19:00is that your daughter?
19:02She looks like a right slag.
19:04Is she?
19:06I won't get angry.
19:08I won't hit him.
19:10I'll say, you're absolutely right.
19:12She really is a filthy whore.
19:15Stephen!
19:16What?!
19:21I don't know.
19:22Shopping took longer than expected,
19:24so I'm just going to try and beat the traffic.
19:27I'm sorry.
19:29Can I help you?
19:46We are the Goom.
19:48Who said that?
19:50You must help us, Pat Mills.
19:52How do you know my...
19:56Is this telepathy?
19:58Our people are dying.
20:00Please help us.
20:02How can I help you?
20:04We are the Goom.
20:06We have pooled all our resources into the making of a teen comedy called High School Faux Par.
20:12Right.
20:13We've mocked up a trailer here on the laptop.
20:16We would love it if you would give us some feedback.
20:20Okay.
20:23I'm just in a bit of a hurry, so...
20:25Our people are dying.
20:28I'll take a look.
20:30It's better if you use the headphones.
20:32This is fine.
20:36I'm not wearing any underwear.
20:38I have to get to my first day of high school.
20:41Where's that bus?
20:43I'll never get there.
20:45Hey, kid.
20:49I'm JJ.
20:51And I'm going to high school.
20:53Need a lift?
20:55Hey!
20:56What?
20:57You'll have to share, though.
20:59I'm taking my friend Benny along to lose his virginity.
21:03Benny's a werewolf?
21:06Oh, oh, oh, oh!
21:10High School Faux Par.
21:12The new comedy for anyone who's ever been to high school.
21:15Certificate to be confirmed.
21:15We do not know what high school is.
21:21I see.
21:25I'm probably not the target audience for this.
21:28Did you like it?
21:30Did you like our male lead Matt Rainford?
21:34I would have liked to see more of him, maybe?
21:37A lot of people said they liked him.
21:39What did you like least?
21:41Um, I'm...
21:43I wasn't too sure about the sound levels.
21:46You didn't use the headphones.
21:48Yeah, even so.
21:49Is that the finished...?
21:51We have another idea for a musical about a policeman.
21:55Oh.
21:56Called Policeman Faux Par. Matt Rainford's on board.
22:00Okay, the... well, the title may be...
22:11What?!
22:12Our deadly foe.
22:14No!
22:16We shall email you a link to our site.
22:19No, no, I'll Google it.
22:21You should go now, Pat Mills.
22:24We are sorry if you have not beaten the traffic.
22:32Benny's a werewolf?
22:34I'm JJ.
22:35Need a lift?
22:36Need a lift?
22:37Need a lift?
22:38Benny's a werewolf?
22:54Excellent.
22:56I have no idea.
22:57It's for everyone.
22:58Sam & Chicken Spongebys,
22:59we knew your name at the threshold.
23:00I'm JJ National, vamos to be ra paranore.
23:01We're starting to leave.
23:02Walk out all.
23:03neighborhood games.
23:04You are a thing here at the threshold.
23:05Hope you could runWAY.
23:06You're a Systems Doubt.
23:07It's a塙.
23:08What do you think?
23:09You're a tool for us.
23:10We're struggling.
23:11You're aazy
23:19You're a mugging committee.
23:21We'll do well.
Comments