- 2 weeks ago
Mitchell And Webb Are Not Helping S01E03
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00:00Right, I called to order this week's meeting of the Church Elders of New Scunthorpe.
00:13Are we sticking with Scunthorpe?
00:15At the last meeting I thought we said we'd pick somewhere nicer, like New Bath or New Cheltenham.
00:20Hang on, hang on, what's this new business? Why is everyone saying new now?
00:24New is a new way of saying new, or as I prefer, new.
00:29Why do we need a new way of saying new?
00:31Just starting to feel more natural, like my mum was saying.
00:33Like your what? What is going on?
00:35We don't know. There's something new in the air.
00:37For me it's just saying new, but for others it's more, well, ask Tabitha to say squirrel.
00:43Ha, yeah, good one. Say squirrel, Tabitha. Say the squirrel looked in the mirror.
00:48The squirrel looked in the mirror?
00:53What's the problem?
00:54Nothing, it's nothing.
00:55Is not laughter sinful?
00:56Oh, Christ. Sorry, Lord.
00:58Shun him.
00:59Shun him, for he's a papist and a blasphemer.
01:01Shun him!
01:02Shun him!
01:03Shun him!
01:04Shun him!
01:05Shun him!
01:06I didn't mean it, I repent.
01:07Repentance is not for this life, devil.
01:09Do you go to confession with your new papist friends?
01:12No, of course not, this is New England.
01:14New England, Satan!
01:15New England!
01:16And there are no Catholics here at all, apart from in the French bit.
01:19He has knowledge of the French bit.
01:20He has knowledge of the French bit.
01:21He celebrates the French bit's ways with their dancing and cuisine and knee tremblers.
01:25What do you know of knee tremblers, Jezebel whore?
01:28She speaks of knee tremblers.
01:29Shun her!
01:30Shun her!
01:31Shun her!
01:32Shun her!
01:33Take her hat buckle!
01:34No!
01:35Not my hat buckle!
01:36I need it for if my head changes size!
01:38As well it might, as your head swells with the sexual flattery of Lucifer!
01:42He said sexual!
01:43Shun him!
01:44Shun him!
01:45No!
01:46Shun him!
01:47Shun him!
01:48Shun him!
01:49Just a thought, is Lucy shot for Lucifer?
01:51I don't think so.
01:52That's a relief.
01:53I've got a daughter called Lucy.
01:55Shun him!
01:56He has a daughter called Lucifer!
01:58The devil has sprung from his loin!
02:00Shun him!
02:01Shun him!
02:02Shun him!
02:03Yes!
02:04Shun him!
02:05Shun him!
02:06Shun him!
02:07But also shun her, for she said loin!
02:08Ah!
02:09I meant lions, but I'm dyslexic!
02:10Shun her, for she is dyslexic!
02:11Shun the dyslexic!
02:12Shun her!
02:13Shun the dyslexic!
02:14Shun her!
02:15Can I just say, this is all very well, but this is why we get very little done in these
02:19meetings.
02:20Shun him!
02:21Shun him!
02:22I'm already shunned!
02:23Shun him again for good measure!
02:24Fuck off, Andrew.
02:25Look, while we're all busy shunning each other, nothing gets achieved.
02:28We're supposed to be discussing digging a well for the village.
02:31Talk to the hand, John.
02:32The face isn't listening.
02:33He exhorts us to address his hand.
02:35He wishes us to worship a false idol.
02:38Nay, we shall not bow down to your instrument of self-pleasure!
02:42Shun him!
02:43Shun him!
02:44Shun him once again!
02:45Shun him!
02:46You're saying what I think she said.
02:47Yeah.
02:48She just called you a wanker.
02:49Shun him once again!
02:50Shun him!
02:51Previously on sweary Aussie drama
02:57You fucking better do a fuck say better than that you lazy fucking prick
03:03What the fuck
03:05What the fuck you fucking sell
03:07Who the fuck are you fucking you fucking bitch
03:10Mind your own business you old fucking bastard
03:12You lost the fucking right to tell me who the fuck when you lost the fucking farm
03:18I'll fucking kill the fucker
03:21What the fuck
03:23I've kept this fucking farm together through fucking thick and fucking thin
03:28And I'll be fucked before I lose the fucker to this stupid little fucking cunt
03:33I thought you loved me you dick breathed dog fuck
03:36So did I you fucking bitch
03:39I was only fucking fucking her for the fucking farm
03:44Fair fucking up
03:45I'm fucking lying
03:47I fucking love you you stupid fucking bitch
03:50You fuck
03:52No
03:53No
03:55Oh no
04:00No
04:01Fuck
04:06This is my fucking farm now
04:10Right there's gonna be a fair few fucking changes around here
04:19Wait just one fucking moment
04:22Fuck shit
04:24Here's
04:24Cunt
04:25Who the fuck are you
04:26I'm your fucking mother
04:28So wash your fucking mouth out you dozy fucking bitch
04:31Hello there
04:45What happened to that bloody report
04:47I don't know detective
04:49Well you'd better start thinking quick love
04:52Or your CID career's gonna be as short as that skirt
04:55You stupid tart
04:57Treasured memories
05:02I was actually the last actor on British television
05:05To wolf whistle at a schoolgirl
05:07In a way the audience was invited to find fun
05:11But times change
05:13And rightly so
05:15Since then I've been the bloke playing a different detective who's older
05:20A judge who's even older
05:22And then the chap offering life insurance with no pesky medical
05:26And a free jigsaw just for applying
05:29And when I say jigsaw
05:31I mean the cardboard puzzle
05:32Not the power tool
05:33Which would ironically have invalidated your life insurance
05:37Anyway
05:39We must get on
05:40This is turning into an amazingly long advertisement
05:43But then you are watching daytime on ITV4
05:47Where the advertising is basically free
05:49And the repeat of the Sweeney this is in the middle of
05:52Has had to have six minutes cut out of it
05:54For reasons you can probably guess
05:57So we've got all the time in the world
06:00Or have we
06:04Because we all know
06:06That we haven't got forever
06:08Good boy
06:10Benji's at peace now
06:20He won't be suffering anymore
06:22To be honest he was more or less okay
06:25But he did keep shitting in the lounge
06:27And if you're shitting in the lounge
06:30You might want to consider the deathly tass
06:33Cut your losses plan
06:35For a reasonable price
06:37You can pay the ultimate price
06:39And your loved ones will have the peace of mind
06:42Of knowing that they can start getting your smell
06:44Out of all that lovely property equity
06:47Meanwhile you check in to one of our luxurious
06:51Clinic-cum-crematoria
06:53Kick back in a joint and muscle-soothing motorised recliner
06:57Our nurses humorously refer to them as electric chairs
07:02Though of course you'll be killed by poison injection
07:05And select a delicious last meal
07:08From our menu of Michelin-adjacent dishes
07:11Just call the number below
07:14Or get your now-nearing-retirement-themselves children
07:17To go to the website to apply
07:20Deathly tass
07:22When you're getting in the way
07:23Call it a day
07:24Call it a day
07:54It's Platform 10
08:00Sorry?
08:02Platform 10
08:02The 906 to Edinburgh Waverley
08:04It's leaving from Platform 10
08:05You need to be at Durham at lunchtime
08:06You need the 906 leaving in 12 minutes
08:08From Platform 10
08:09How do you...
08:10It's that way
08:11The East Coast Mainland trains all leave from over there
08:13Go and get on it
08:15I can't bear to watch you fucking around
08:17For another fucking second
08:18Actually I'm not going to Durham
08:20So I don't know what you...
08:21Don't lie to me or just embarrass yourself
08:23You're Stephen Dobson
08:24You've been recruited by Chinese intelligence
08:26Your contact is a 23-year-old Chinese national
08:28Called Hu Anjian
08:29Posing as a history of art postgraduate
08:31You need to be on the 906 right now
08:33No, I really don't...
08:35I'm an MI5 officer
08:36I've blown my cover
08:37My career is over
08:38I don't know why I did this
08:39It's your fault
08:40You were just too fucking annoying
08:42Three months
08:46Three months I had you under surveillance
08:48Watching you shuffling around in your stupid life
08:51Like that dozy prick you are
08:52Smashing that bottle of TCP and the chemist
08:55And then just walking off without apologising
08:56Picking your nose in the bakery
08:58And then fingering the croissants without using the tongs
09:00Locking yourself out of your own house like a dickhead
09:03That coat
09:04And it was only last week
09:06That I very nearly dragged you out of your car
09:07So I could park it for you
09:09Fifteen minutes to get a Toyota Yaris
09:11Into a not especially difficult space
09:13That was a very small space
09:15My mother can parallel park better than you
09:17And she's 84
09:17And as for your mother
09:19Don't think I didn't notice
09:20The way you tried to muscle in on the flowers
09:22Your sister sent for her birthday
09:24When they were nothing to do with you
09:25Sorry, can I just say
09:27I completely agree
09:28You're an absolute asshole
09:30Who are you?
09:31The private investigator hired by your wife
09:33To monitor your wretched affair
09:35With wretched Janine
09:36Who could do so much better
09:37Oh, so much better
09:38Can you believe the way he talks to Janine?
09:40I've wiretapped pedophiles with better manners
09:43I...
09:44You...
09:45I mean...
09:46Drink?
09:50Yeah, right
09:51That's the Lincoln train, you dick
09:56Morning, Jim
10:01Morning
10:01So, um, we're recording our radio play next week
10:04But we've got a list of sound effects
10:06Just general sounds and noises
10:08That we'd like to get in the can first
10:10Mm-hmm
10:11Just think where we couldn't find library sound
10:13That we need you to work your magic on, Jim
10:15Work my magic?
10:16Yep
10:16So, there's quite a bit to get through
10:18I'll just dive straight in
10:20Um, first up
10:21A woman running barefoot along a high street pavement
10:24Yeah, no problem
10:25I can do that with my cock
10:27Your what?
10:28My cock
10:29I can make that noise with my cock
10:31No offence
10:32Oh, yeah
10:33That's...
10:34That's okay
10:35Uh, do you need us to...
10:36No, no, no
10:37I'll do it when you've gone
10:38I'll just make a note
10:39Pavement, feet
10:40Cock
10:41Okay, what's next?
10:45Right
10:45Um
10:46We...
10:47We need the sound of a digger
10:51Like a JCB, uh
10:53Going into soft clay and gravel
10:55And then coming up against a Roman wall
10:57Got it
10:57Yep
10:58I can do that with my cock
10:59Right
11:00So I'll need some oven gloves
11:02Fifteen large pebbles
11:04And a packet of gummy bears or Haribo
11:06Something like that
11:07And then, obviously, my cock
11:09Which I've got
11:09Okay, um
11:11We need, uh
11:13A waterfall
11:15Medium size
11:16Not massive
11:17And, uh
11:18It's in woodland
11:19And there's a storm incoming
11:20So it's raining quite hard
11:22And there's a distant helicopter
11:23Right
11:24Yeah, I can do that with my cock
11:26Uh, hang on
11:28British woodland or tropical?
11:30Tropical
11:30Yeah, I can do that with my cock
11:32Because of the humidity
11:33My cock works best
11:35I'll need, uh
11:35A soda stream
11:36A flappy menu
11:38Four trout fillets
11:39Rainbow or brown
11:41Doesn't matter
11:41And my cock
11:42Which, obviously, I've got with me
11:44Oh, and lube
11:45Unless otherwise stated
11:47Assume lube
11:48Lube
11:50Yeah, I can do that with my cock
12:01Really?
12:02The sound of a dictionary being dropped on a desk
12:04Yeah
12:05Why don't you just drop a dictionary on a desk?
12:08Won't sound right
12:09You try that if you like
12:11But I'm telling you
12:12If you want it to really sound like someone's dropped a dictionary on a desk
12:15Then I'm going to need three reams of A4
12:18Some highlighter pens
12:19A bottle of Prosecco
12:21A wall of cardboard boxes
12:22A wall of cardboard boxes
12:23A plastic toothpick
12:24A wooden toothpick
12:26A goldfish bowl filled with asparagus soup
12:28And my cock
12:29Okay, okay, we're nearly there now
12:33So just, uh
12:34We need a loose shutter banging in the wind
12:36And it has to be on the first floor of an 18th century chateau in Provence
12:40Okay, um
12:42Done
12:57You're not going to use your cock for that?
13:00No
13:00He's got to get down
13:03That's not going to work
13:04Ah, it's on me
13:10Oh, I'm exhausted
13:12It's day 12 of middle-aged man island
13:18The boys have completed their tasks for the day
13:21And now it's time to chillax and have some them time
13:24Can you do something?
13:39What?
13:39Well, it's been 40 minutes since anyone's spoken
13:42So, um
13:43Oh
13:44They want us to do something
13:46Or speak
13:48For the programme
13:49Oh, yeah, programme
13:50Better out than
13:54Actually, I hate people who say that
13:55Okay
13:56Let's chat
13:58I can't think of anything to say, actually
14:08Trouble is, there's no women here to get us started off
14:12Okay, well
14:12Yeah, alright
14:14You be the woman
14:15You start us off
14:16And then
14:16That'll get us going
14:17Okay
14:18Um, how are you?
14:23Fine, thanks
14:23God, it's not easy being a woman, is it?
14:30We could talk about the Second World War again
14:34No, we did that all last week
14:36That was a good week
14:37Yeah
14:38Yeah, I know it's a bit of a stereotype
14:41You know, men love talking about the Second World War, blah, blah, blah
14:44But the Second World War was
14:46A, very important
14:48And B, brilliant
14:50I don't know you're not supposed to say that anymore, but
14:52Nah, I think it's a great war
14:54What?
14:55Even better than the Great War
14:57See, that's the kind of joke that if we were at home, someone would roll their eyes and say
15:03That's a dad joke
15:04But yeah, it's just a joke
15:06Actually, it was a serious question
15:08What's your favourite war?
15:11Punic
15:11Sorry, it's Wednesday night
15:16It's for the bins
15:17Mine was last night
15:20There's no way she would have done it
15:23But we're not saying middle-aged men are bad, right?
15:33Because middle-aged men, that's the audience
15:35At best, that's the youth end
15:37No, I think we can appeal to young people
15:39Because we've got that sketch about, um
15:40Isn't there a sketch about an Xbox or something?
15:42Is that the one about assisted dying?
15:44No, no, no
15:44It's the one where we say
15:45It wasn't everything better before the Xbox
15:47I mean, it was harder to have a wank
15:49But that made everything more worthwhile
15:51Oh, that's been cut
15:52Channel 4 said we had too many sketches that relied on wanking
15:55And we can only have 11 max
15:57Okay, I suppose middle-aged men island is just like a fun dig at guys' our dad's age
16:02Or mine and Kale and Lara's dad's age
16:04Stevie, I am 18 months older than you
16:07Is that all?
16:08Are you sure that's right?
16:10I'm not sure that it's having a go at our dad's so much as
16:13It's not actually that weird, you know
16:15Being 50
16:16Well, of course
16:16It's quite a normal age to be
16:19Okay?
16:20Yes, I mean, it's an ageing population
16:21Ageing is very now, very contemporary
16:24In the past, people were a lot younger
16:26You were?
16:27No, I mean, well, yes
16:28But what I'm saying is that in previous ages
16:31No, here comes another history lesson
16:33In previous ages
16:34In the middle ages
16:36But people were younger
16:37The average age was lower
16:38Because people died younger
16:40A youthful population is, in fact, very, very dated
16:43Yes, it's actually very now to have dementia
16:46Yeah, decrepitude is the new infant mortality
16:48Not that we're decrepit
16:50If only, we're not that cool
16:51Yeah, I just think...
16:52Although I do have recurring back issues
16:54And Rob had open-heart surgery
16:55Okay, I think we're speaking at cross-purposes here, David
16:57Let's not be turkeys voting for Christmas
16:59I know we're middle-aged
17:00But broadcasting is very youth-skewed
17:02Always has been
17:03Bill Cotton used to say
17:04Shut up!
17:05Channel 4 in particular
17:06Desperately try to appeal to young people
17:08Oh, it's like a lechy uncle
17:09Dancing at a wedding sometimes
17:11Yeah, let's do the quiz
17:12Where everyone shows their balls
17:14Or vaginas
17:15Or, as you quite rightly say, Lara
17:16Vaginas
17:17I just think we should pay lip service to that
17:20And not just be constantly banging on
17:22About how old we are
17:23Like this bit that we're doing now
17:24Where we go on about being old
17:26When these young people
17:27Some of them women
17:28Are just saying or vaginas
17:29That's literally all I've said except this
17:31Yeah, but you said it so well
17:33Like, I want to say or vaginas now
17:34In a way, Stevie, you have
17:37Introducing Branboozled
17:41The great new board game
17:43For everyone who loves puzzles and Bran
17:45Hooray!
17:47You've been Branboozled
17:48Hand over the Bran, Grandpa
17:50You've taken all my Bran, you little scamp
17:57Mm, Bran
17:59Throw the dice and spin the dial
18:02Collect the Bran and Branboozle your opponents
18:04Before you yourself are Branboozled
18:06Oh, I've been Branboozled
18:09More Bran for me
18:12Branboozle
18:15The great new game that's getting all the family
18:17Eating lashings of pure bran
18:19Excessive bran consumption may cause rectal warping
18:22Morning, Jim
18:25Hi
18:26That's all done
18:27Do you want to have a listen?
18:28Oh, yes, please
18:29Uh, so this is, uh
18:47This is the rolled up carpet being dragged down the flight of stairs
18:51With a Dachshund yapping in the background
18:53Oh, yeah
18:54And you, um, you used your cock for this one?
19:00I think so, not this one
19:01I wasn't sure how much of it you needed, so
19:12Great, yeah
19:14Come to think of it, I think this was one of the ones I used my cock for
19:27Yeah, I thought so
19:28It's wonderful how it doesn't matter anymore how old you are
19:39I never imagined I would have this opportunity, but of course times change
19:44With this particular piece, I thought it was important not to fixate on the age of the actor
19:50But on the overall energy he gives off
19:53It's such a daring and fascinating time in the theatre
19:56In the olden days, I would never have had the chance to be in this wonderful stage adaptation of The Matrix playing Neil
20:04Oh, it's actually Neo, Sir Charlie
20:06Hmm?
20:07Your character is called Neo
20:09That's right, yes
20:10And of course, the thing about Neil is that, like most of us, he doesn't know he's in The Matrix
20:16Until somebody calls his agent and says, would you like to be in The Matrix?
20:21And, uh, you think Sir Charlie gives off the right energy to play Neil?
20:24Yes
20:25As soon as the producer suggested Sir Charlie to me, I could immediately see that he gives off exactly the right energy
20:31Even though he's 78?
20:33Yes
20:34Aren't there younger actors that might be more suited to playing Neil?
20:37Yes, but an audience willing to pay West End prices to see an adaptation of The Matrix won't have heard of them
20:43Whereas they all remember Sir Charlie from all the merchant ivory shit he did in the 80s
20:47Are you excited to be in The Matrix?
20:50Well, I'm delighted, but as I say, Neil is absolutely devastated
20:54Neil takes the red pill and discovers he's in The Matrix for eight shows a week
20:58Including bank holidays for 12 weeks and I couldn't be happier
21:01It's week two of rehearsals and Sir Charlie and director Tony Pastry are grappling with the iconic scene where Neil uploads martial arts into his brain
21:15Okay, so Tank just inserted the programme
21:21He's pressed the button and all that knowledge flashes into your head in just a few seconds
21:25And then you open your eyes
21:27And you say the line
21:29All right, Tony, leave it with me
21:31Right, so he's pressed the button
21:32Press the button
21:33I know Kung Fu
21:39All right, Tony
21:43It's just
21:45Try it again
21:48Of course, of course
21:49Press the button
21:51I know Kung Fu
21:57Yeah, it's
21:59I think I know what it is
22:02Yes
22:02You're saying the line like Kung Fu is an old friend that you've just remembered
22:07Yes
22:08But it isn't
22:09No
22:09It's a martial art
22:11That I've forgotten
22:12No
22:13Because it's been years
22:14No
22:15How long has it been Kung Fu?
22:17He's not Kung Fu
22:18It's been years
22:19We're improvising
22:20No, he's not Kung Fu
22:22Oh, I see
22:22I'm saying I know Kung Fu
22:24But Kung Fu's not here
22:26I could be Kung Fu
22:28I don't mind
22:28Oh, bless you for that, Theo
22:30Could we try that, Tony?
22:31I think that would really help
22:33For me
22:34Okay
22:35So
22:37Press the button
22:38I know Kung Fu
22:49Oh, hi
22:50You see, the problem is, Tony
22:55I'm saying I know Kung Fu
22:57But Kung Fu's standing right there
22:58So it doesn't make any sense
23:00Yes
23:00You don't say it to him
23:02And he's not Kung Fu
23:04And Kung Fu
23:06Isn't a person
23:08Well, all right, Tony
23:11But that's a lot of changes
23:13To take on board
23:14May I suggest a cup of tea
23:16A cup of tea for you, Tony?
23:19Thank you
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