- 4 months ago
A ship's captain is promoted by his company from tramp steamers to their flagship passenger liner. Although he is a thoroughly competent sailor ready to take charge of such a ship, he is less prepared for the social duties the new position involves, not least the way he becomes the target for all the comely unattached women on board.
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Short filmTranscript
00:00:00The End
00:00:30The End
00:01:00The End
00:01:30There's the S.S. Floriana
00:01:39A woman
00:01:41Every ship that sails is a woman
00:01:44and behaves like one
00:01:46A queen
00:01:48making an entrance
00:01:49Women going to a sail
00:01:51Wife listening to criticism
00:01:56Wife answering back
00:01:59Just like women, the fast ones have all the fun
00:02:06while the virtuous do the work
00:02:07But they have one thing in common
00:02:09They want a man to look after them
00:02:11while they continue to be the boss
00:02:13Stop at 15
00:02:14I propose to make the following suggestion
00:02:37Sit down, Captain Eves
00:02:41Thank you, Sir
00:02:44I have your report here before me
00:02:47Perhaps you care to expand that, Captain?
00:02:52Take your time
00:02:53Well, I, uh
00:02:56I was perhaps a little overwrought
00:02:58The heat
00:03:00We don't expect our captains
00:03:01to be overcome by the heat
00:03:02like girl guides at a picnic
00:03:03Sir Angus
00:03:08I have given my life to this company
00:03:11since I was a cadet of 16
00:03:12I had hoped that one day
00:03:14virtue would have its own reward
00:03:16But I see that I was mistaken
00:03:17So I'll now say good day to you, gentlemen
00:03:20I'm now going off to get myself another job
00:03:24And I might tell you
00:03:28You're the biggest bunch of robbers since
00:03:29Captain Eves
00:03:30Sometimes you appear to me a bloody fool
00:03:34Look
00:03:35We are not here to sack you
00:03:38We're here to promote you
00:03:39Captain Eves
00:03:40For years you've kept ships like the Floriana afloat
00:03:44and her crew alive
00:03:45Now as a sign of recognition
00:03:47they're going to give you the Queen Adelaide for one trip
00:03:49Captain Buckle has been taken ill with
00:03:52German measles
00:03:53If you're a success
00:03:55we shall consider the appointment a permanency
00:03:57If not
00:03:57Well then we'll throw you out
00:03:59Alright?
00:04:16Well, you've heard the news, brothers
00:04:18I'm sure it's come as a very nasty shock to you all
00:04:21A new captain's always a very unpleasant experience
00:04:24The company should have consulted us
00:04:26It's a dead liberty
00:04:27Yes, and quite frankly
00:04:28it raises entirely new problems of administration
00:04:30What do you suggest, Herbert?
00:04:32Well, we've got to be, um, circumspect, Charlie
00:04:35Eh?
00:04:36In other words, play it pear-shaped
00:04:38Quite, Bernie
00:04:39Who is it?
00:04:46It's only me, Arthur
00:04:47Oh, Arthur
00:04:49Come in
00:04:50Sorry I'm late
00:04:51That's all right
00:04:52Give yourself a drink
00:04:52I was just saying
00:04:54There are only two kinds of captains
00:04:56Those who do
00:04:57And those who don't
00:04:58Precisely
00:04:59Now what we've got to find out is
00:05:01Is he or isn't he?
00:05:02Until then, we've got to be circumspect
00:05:04Pear-shaped, Arthur
00:05:05Quite, Bernie
00:05:06Now, for example, Arthur
00:05:08How many cigarettes have we taken aboard?
00:05:11Straight now?
00:05:12Two and a half million
00:05:14Three million
00:05:17And how many have got, um, diverted?
00:05:20A quarter of a million
00:05:20How many?
00:05:23Well, say half a million
00:05:25There you are, you see
00:05:26Now, I suggest that until we find out
00:05:28We make a small profit margin
00:05:30Say about five percent
00:05:31Oh, yeah, well
00:05:32Can I help you?
00:05:44I don't know
00:05:45What's your name?
00:05:47What's my name?
00:05:48What's yours?
00:05:49Ebbs
00:05:50I'm the new captain
00:05:50Oh, I beg your pardon, sir
00:05:52Can't be too careful, can we, sir?
00:05:55Always on the watch
00:05:56Chief officer aboard?
00:05:58Now, let me see
00:05:59I don't think he is, sir
00:06:00Second officer
00:06:01He's at the dentist, sir
00:06:02Third
00:06:03Funeral, sir
00:06:04Fourth
00:06:05Oh, he's on board, sir
00:06:06Where's he?
00:06:07Down the bottom of the number one hole, sir
00:06:09Let's not wake him, shall we?
00:06:14What are those men doing?
00:06:16Loading, sir
00:06:17Oi!
00:06:23You're going the wrong way!
00:06:24Don't be so silly
00:06:25Wrong way!
00:06:27Cold storage
00:06:28That way!
00:06:30Why don't you make up your mind?
00:06:32Can I conduct your quarter, sir?
00:06:40No, I'll manage
00:06:41I expect you've got work to do
00:06:42Yes, sir
00:06:43I'm the new captain
00:06:55What's your job?
00:06:57The baby, sir
00:06:58Carry on
00:06:59Carry on
00:06:59I'm the captain's cabin
00:07:03I don't know, mate
00:07:20I've never been there
00:07:20I'll invite you one day
00:07:22It's the old man
00:07:24The new old man
00:07:26I'll invite you to take a look to do
00:07:31I'll invite you to take a look to do
00:07:35Oh, my God
00:07:36I could do
00:07:36I'll invite you to do
00:07:37I'll invite you to take a look to do
00:08:07Captain Epps, sir.
00:08:33Come in.
00:08:34I got delayed, sir.
00:08:35Excuse me, won't you?
00:08:36My friend was taken queer on the chest.
00:08:38Couldn't get the breath.
00:08:39Well, who are you?
00:08:40Burtweed, sir.
00:08:40Tiny, they call me.
00:08:41I look after all the captains.
00:08:43Now, you just leave it to me, sir.
00:08:44I'll unpack all your lovely things.
00:08:46Oh, yes.
00:08:47It's all going to be lovely, sir.
00:08:50Mind you, I couldn't get here before on account of my friend.
00:08:53We live together, see?
00:08:54Have done ever since.
00:08:55Mind you, strictly platonic.
00:08:56I'll have the rest of your luggage brought up, sir.
00:08:58Well, this is it.
00:09:00We do travel like, don't we, sir?
00:09:02Not like some captains I've known.
00:09:04Never mind, sir.
00:09:05You just tell me your little ways and I'll adapt round them.
00:09:08Oh, it's all give and take, isn't it, sir?
00:09:10Have you met everybody yet, sir?
00:09:12No, no, not yet.
00:09:13Of course, I mean, you'll find out for yourself.
00:09:14But I said to my friend,
00:09:16Mr. Epps will take some time to find himself like.
00:09:18And my friend said,
00:09:19Well, he's got you, that's one good thing.
00:09:21Thinks the world of me, my friend, does.
00:09:23There's a funny lot on this ship, sir.
00:09:25Not my cup of tea, most of them.
00:09:26But I just keep myself to myself.
00:09:27It's the best in the end, isn't it?
00:09:30We don't seem to have a stiff-collar outfit, sir.
00:09:33Should we?
00:09:34Should I?
00:09:35Oh, yes, sir.
00:09:35It's all very la-de-da, you know, on this ship.
00:09:37My friend says, from what I say,
00:09:39it's the Chelsea Arts Ball every night we are at sea.
00:09:41The full drag.
00:09:42Never mind, sir.
00:09:43I'll slip ashore and get you a full rig out.
00:09:45It's the purser, sir.
00:09:50Oh, come in, purser.
00:09:51Welcome aboard, sir.
00:09:52You'll ring if you want me, won't you, sir?
00:09:54Yes, Burtweed.
00:09:56Well, Mr. Randall.
00:09:56Pretty well, sir.
00:09:57Excuse me, sir, it's that bell push there.
00:09:59Will that be all, sir?
00:10:00Thank you, Burtweed.
00:10:03I trust everything's to your satisfaction, sir.
00:10:05That's very fair, very fair.
00:10:08Must they only have another wardrobe in the day cabin?
00:10:11Hardly a wardrobe, sir.
00:10:15Your bar, sir, for your entertainment.
00:10:18Mine?
00:10:19And your guests, sir.
00:10:22Your first command of a passenger ship, sir?
00:10:24Yes.
00:10:26I had your predecessor's gear removed, sir,
00:10:28as soon as I heard of his indisposition.
00:10:30Uh-huh.
00:10:33Mr. Prittlewell.
00:10:34Sir?
00:10:34I shall be holding an officer's meeting
00:10:36at 8 sharp tomorrow morning.
00:10:37Tomorrow morning, sir?
00:10:38Certainly, we sail in 36 hours.
00:10:40I gather the chief officer isn't aboard.
00:10:42I fancy not, sir.
00:10:44Why not?
00:10:44Mr. Shaw Wilson, sir,
00:10:46has many friends who press their hospitality.
00:10:54Hello.
00:10:55Shaw Wilson.
00:10:57Who's there?
00:10:58Prittlewell?
00:11:00Hold on, I think.
00:11:04I'll say all that over again.
00:11:06The new captain.
00:11:09When did all this happen?
00:11:12Yes, well, I've been rather out of touch the last few days.
00:11:16Eight o'clock?
00:11:18Oh, good grief.
00:11:18The fellow must be raving.
00:11:21Well, stay it out, eh.
00:11:22Uncle's just had a nasty shock.
00:11:23Good morning, gentlemen.
00:11:39Morning, sir.
00:11:39Morning.
00:11:41Morning.
00:11:41Morning.
00:11:42Chief officer aboard.
00:11:43We're expecting him at any moment, sir.
00:11:45Well, gentlemen, my appointment to this ship no doubt came as something of a surprise to you.
00:11:57But with your cooperation, I trust it will prove a success.
00:12:01Ah, Mr. Earnshaw.
00:12:03Long time since we sailed together.
00:12:05It is that, sir.
00:12:08Well, now, there's two points I'd particularly like to mention.
00:12:12Now, the first concerns alcohol.
00:12:13And the other concerns women.
00:12:18Now, both are all right in their place, but that's not here.
00:12:21An officer must concentrate on his duties with a clear head.
00:12:37Must get aboard, darling.
00:12:38I'll ring you the moment I'm back in London.
00:12:39Aye, aye.
00:12:43People talk a lot about the difference between a cargo ship and a passenger ship.
00:12:51Well, there's only one difference as far as I'm concerned.
00:12:53The freight that's carried.
00:12:54My theory is that passengers are only animated cargo.
00:13:02Mr. Wilson?
00:13:07Shaw Wilson, actually, sir.
00:13:10Won't you join us?
00:13:11Oh, no.
00:13:11I don't want to intrude, son.
00:13:13I'm sure you don't.
00:13:15All right, gentlemen.
00:13:16That'll be all.
00:13:19I should have preferred to have made your acquaintance earlier.
00:13:21Yes, I know.
00:13:22I do apologize, sir.
00:13:23But I'm the same with the Percels.
00:13:25Do you know the Percels, sir?
00:13:26No, mister.
00:13:27I do not.
00:13:27They're charming people, you know.
00:13:29They came home with us on the last trip.
00:13:34Of course, these old country mansions are usually lacking in the old mod cons.
00:13:37But they offered me a bed.
00:13:39Excuse me, sir.
00:13:52It's fully automatic.
00:13:53It's a marvelous ride.
00:13:54This is your, um, this is your first command of a passenger ship, I hear, sir.
00:14:00It is.
00:14:02And now if you'll kindly change into something approaching a uniform, I'd like to do a tour
00:14:05of the whole ship, providing you have no further social engagements.
00:14:08And it's an absolute Barclay.
00:14:22Seamanship must be the first consideration, Ebbs.
00:14:24But for the passengers, it's the social side that counts.
00:14:27Our aim is to make every voyage a holiday for them.
00:14:29A courtship for the young, a second honeymoon for the middle-aged, and a rejuvenation for
00:14:33the elderly.
00:14:33Aren't you drinking, Ebbs?
00:14:36And just water, sir.
00:14:38You married?
00:14:39No, Sir Angus, no.
00:14:41And it may pay you to remember that the sea and the tropics sometimes have a peculiar
00:14:44effect on women traveling alone.
00:14:48Like gin.
00:14:52Oh, wait, pardon, sir.
00:14:53No, come in first, sir.
00:14:53I was just leaving anyway.
00:14:54I'll see you ashore, Sir Angus.
00:14:56Well, don't bother.
00:14:56You've got more important things to do.
00:14:58Good luck, Captain.
00:14:59Thank you, sir.
00:15:00You'll need it.
00:15:03Excuse me, sir, the passenger list.
00:15:05Oh, yes, Mr. Priddlewell.
00:15:07We full up?
00:15:07Not a spare shed, sir.
00:15:08Highly satisfactory.
00:15:10A lot of females aboard.
00:15:11We need the fire hoses, no doubt.
00:15:12Fire hoses, sir?
00:15:14Oh, never mind.
00:15:16I was wondering, sir, if you'd like to go through your social engagements for the trip.
00:15:20Well, what are they?
00:15:21Oh, the usual number, sir.
00:15:22The captain's cocktail party, sports committee, debating society, deck tennis, old-time dancing,
00:15:27cinema, talent competition, divine service, bingo.
00:15:30Who commands the ship while all this is going on?
00:15:32Bingo, beauty competition, children's tea party.
00:15:39Do the passengers expect all this?
00:15:41The passengers expect everything, sir.
00:15:43When does it all start?
00:15:44This evening, sir, if the weather is clement.
00:15:46operate from the disguise.
00:15:47Let it all start.
00:15:49That's how you get the Sei gone off.
00:15:49Get the equipment.
00:15:50We have the brakes.
00:15:51That's what we know, sir.
00:15:51We're all on that.
00:15:52I'm going to get into the shortage.
00:15:52Have you on the chain now?
00:15:53Hooray.
00:15:53You know, have you?
00:15:54You know, if you're on the line, you can see those.
00:15:55Have you got a
00:16:05或 만 Down.
00:16:06You know you're on the line.
00:16:06Yeah, you know that there's actually a best.
00:16:07No matter how you get the notification thing.
00:16:08You know, they do never run.
00:16:09Yeah, wait.
00:16:11Let it burn on.
00:16:11That's what you get it.
00:16:12I know, you're on.
00:16:13That's what I get the kenya.
00:16:14Of course.
00:16:31Well, enjoying the weather?
00:16:35Pretty blood.
00:16:36Bracing, sir.
00:16:36Yes.
00:16:37How are the passengers?
00:16:38Not very animated, sir.
00:16:41How long did you give it, Mr. Shawwilson?
00:16:42Well, there's a high-pressure system building up, sir.
00:16:45About four or five hours, I'd say.
00:16:49I give it to Gibraltar.
00:16:52Anything like luck?
00:17:04Morning, Bertweed.
00:17:05Morning, sir.
00:17:06Lovely morning, I'm afraid, sir.
00:17:08Well, there it is.
00:17:09Couldn't last forever.
00:17:10No, it's a shame, sir.
00:17:11It really is, knowing your feelings.
00:17:13I'll be crawling out of the bunks now, I suppose.
00:17:15Mad to get at it.
00:17:16Never mind, sir.
00:17:16It's all a laugh, sir, isn't it?
00:17:18It's all a giggle.
00:17:18It's all a laugh, sir, isn't it?
00:17:20It's all a giggle.
00:17:20It's all a giggle.
00:17:46Oh, Mr. Proser.
00:17:48Major Braster.
00:17:49You all want me to organize a shuffleboard, of course.
00:17:51I have some experience in these matters.
00:17:53We shall be honored, sir.
00:18:00Good gracious, the sun's shining.
00:18:03No, my dear fellow.
00:18:05You can't make real money by working for it.
00:18:07There are only two ways of getting it.
00:18:09You've either got to be born with it or marry it.
00:18:13Tanker, five points on the starboard bar.
00:18:18What do you think she is, Norwegian?
00:18:22Chinese.
00:18:26Mr. J, not for junior officers.
00:18:29Check the position on the chart.
00:18:30Aye, sir.
00:18:43Your colleagues are very health-minded, Cannon.
00:18:45They are not my colleagues, Madam.
00:18:48I have come on this voyage for a holiday.
00:18:51Even for my fellow clerics.
00:18:53Aye, excellent, excellent.
00:18:58All clear?
00:19:00Yes.
00:19:02Very kind of you.
00:19:03Excuse me, sir.
00:19:24Sir!
00:19:26Oh, business not too good, Mr. Friddlewell.
00:19:46Well, I'm ready for the fray now, Bernie.
00:19:48Got to make up for lost time.
00:19:49Just you leave it to Bernie.
00:19:52Pear-shaped?
00:19:56Now that the weather's improved, sir, I take it you'll be dining with the passengers?
00:20:04Yes, I suppose, sir.
00:20:05I'd better see that list again to choose who's going to sit at my table.
00:20:07I brought the seating plan with me, sir.
00:20:12Who arranged this?
00:20:13Head office, sir.
00:20:16You mean to say I can't choose who I want myself?
00:20:18Oh, no, sir.
00:20:19Head office always selects the people who...
00:20:24There we are.
00:20:25Well, you're good, Helen.
00:20:26Jill.
00:20:27Ah, welcome to the captain's table.
00:20:28The privileged few, eh?
00:20:30A delightful privilege.
00:20:31Now, I'm in the chair.
00:20:32What will you have?
00:20:33A martini, please.
00:20:34Martini, no, Captain.
00:20:35Just cider for me, please.
00:20:36Cider for a gallon of swing, then a dry martini.
00:20:38Yes, sir.
00:20:39Not too strong.
00:20:40Not too much gin, Barber.
00:20:42Not too much gin, sir.
00:20:44I've got these Barber organised, you know.
00:20:47Mrs. Judd Coakston, I'm Bill, do you?
00:20:49I'm from Wallonga.
00:20:51This is the sweetest lass that ever crossed Sydney Bridge.
00:20:53My wife, Gwenny.
00:20:54Oh, my word, isn't that nice.
00:20:56How do you do?
00:20:57How do you do?
00:20:58Are you travelling with your husband?
00:20:59No, I'm a widow.
00:21:00Oh.
00:21:01And you?
00:21:02I'm just travelling without my husband.
00:21:05Major, I was wondering if you could tell us about the captain.
00:21:07Well, they say he spent every night on the bridge since we sailed.
00:21:10Oh, how romantic.
00:21:12Oh, wasteful.
00:21:13I don't know much about the fellow.
00:21:15I'll be interested to meet him myself.
00:21:16Yes, we're all dying to see him.
00:21:18I love captains.
00:21:19They're always so handsome.
00:21:20Lovely uniforms.
00:21:21Can't you let them down any further, sir?
00:21:31I'm overstrung as it is, man.
00:21:36Oh, dear.
00:21:37I did think I got it all lovely.
00:21:40You'd have to wear a belt and trust to luck.
00:21:42I'm not laughing, Mr. Epps.
00:21:47Don't think that, will you?
00:21:48Oh, it's all my fault.
00:21:50And on your first night, too.
00:21:52The bum freezer fits.
00:21:53That's something.
00:21:55Marvellous, sir.
00:21:56Of course, you're like Fred Astaire.
00:21:58Evening dress becomes you.
00:22:01Oh, Mrs. Lomag.
00:22:03This is my son, Henry.
00:22:05How do you do?
00:22:06I always like sitting with my back to the engines.
00:22:09And you'll have to lie down on the floor.
00:22:10Oh, what's that, young man?
00:22:11Now, Mrs. Lomag, what'll you have?
00:22:13A little sherry?
00:22:13I'm afraid Mother doesn't hear very well.
00:22:15Mother.
00:22:15Scotch on the rocks.
00:22:18What am I going to say to all these people?
00:22:20How about a comical story, sir?
00:22:22I don't know any.
00:22:23Captain Buckler, quite a nice one.
00:22:25He used to tell it every trip.
00:22:26I've heard him make it last right through to the suite.
00:22:28Went down very well, sir.
00:22:30Well, what was it?
00:22:31What was it?
00:22:32Now you've asked.
00:22:33Passionfruit, sir.
00:22:38How's she gone?
00:22:39Have you tried Australian beer?
00:22:40No.
00:22:41Ah, welcome to the captain's table, Mr. Reddish.
00:22:46Oh, good evening.
00:22:47Good evening.
00:22:48Hey, Meg.
00:22:48You know, I read a lot of your books, and I simply adored them.
00:22:51How very noble of you.
00:22:53Are you writing one now?
00:22:55Well, I'm attempting to, but it doesn't come.
00:22:57Oh.
00:22:57London, you know, the distraction, everywhere, the distraction.
00:23:01One can't hold the moon.
00:23:03Yes.
00:23:03But perhaps at sea?
00:23:04Well, one hopes so.
00:23:06One's told so.
00:23:08Peace, you know.
00:23:09A large brand, dear, Palmer.
00:23:11Have you travelled on this ship before, Major?
00:23:13No, that's why I'm interested.
00:23:15I happen to be rather a large shareholder in the line.
00:23:17Sir Angus, the chairman, is a good friend of mine.
00:23:20Palmy Barker.
00:23:21But I always say...
00:23:22Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.
00:23:24I have the seating plan for the captain's table.
00:23:26Ah, good.
00:23:27Give it to me.
00:23:27I'll organise it.
00:23:28I always say just treat me like anybody else.
00:23:30I've already explained to the Major, sir.
00:23:38It must have been a regrettable typing error at head office.
00:23:41Rubbish.
00:23:41Head office know me very well.
00:23:42I always sit at the captain's table, no matter who the captain is.
00:23:46I assure you, Major Broster...
00:23:47It may interest you to know, though I don't like bringing it up,
00:23:50that I'm a large shareholder in the line and a personal friend of Sir Angus.
00:23:54I don't ask for special treatment,
00:23:56but I don't ask for gratuitous insult either.
00:23:58It will be put right at once, Major Broster.
00:24:00Hmm.
00:24:02Very well.
00:24:02We'll say no more.
00:24:05I gather you're new to this job, Captain.
00:24:07I hope I should be able to speak well of you to Sir Angus.
00:24:13We must do something.
00:24:15I'll arrange it so one gets used to this sort of thing.
00:24:18In passenger ships, everything would go perfectly
00:24:20if it went for the passengers.
00:24:24Oh, dear, Mr. Ebbes, that head office.
00:24:27Do you remember that story yet?
00:24:28Yes, sir, but I shan't tell it very well.
00:24:29I'm too upset.
00:24:30I'll out with it.
00:24:31It's about a naval lieutenant, sir.
00:24:33He went to a dance, see,
00:24:34and there he met a very, very pretty young lady.
00:24:36She was an American,
00:24:38and she was wearing a brooch on her chest,
00:24:40and he couldn't take his eyes off it, the brooch.
00:24:42You see, sir,
00:24:43it was one of those little brooches they have
00:24:44with navy signalling flags on them, you know, sir.
00:24:47Oh.
00:24:47Well, they do, sir.
00:24:49So the madam says to the lieutenant,
00:24:51I see you're admiring my brooch.
00:24:53It was a present from my husband.
00:24:54He's a flag lieutenant,
00:24:56and these little flags on it read,
00:24:58I love you.
00:25:00Well, of course,
00:25:00the lieutenant knew the signalling manual,
00:25:02and he knew that there wasn't a signal for love.
00:25:07Is that it?
00:25:07Oh, no, sir.
00:25:09When he got back to his ship,
00:25:11he looked up the manual,
00:25:12and he found out
00:25:13that what the little flags really read
00:25:16was permission to lay alongside.
00:25:23They fair lapped it up
00:25:24when Captain Buckle told it, sir.
00:25:27Yeah, well, I'll...
00:25:28I'll turn it down a bit for the ladies.
00:25:30You will, sir?
00:25:31Well, be very careful, sir.
00:25:37Do I look all right?
00:25:43Lovely, sir.
00:25:44Oh.
00:25:47Oh, your socks.
00:25:50You haven't got your suspenders on.
00:25:51Never wear them.
00:25:52Oh, but you must, sir.
00:25:53It spoils the effect.
00:25:55Take mine.
00:25:56Certainly not.
00:25:57Just for tonight, sir.
00:25:58Just to please me.
00:26:00I shan't rest otherwise, sir.
00:26:05Yes, I really was overtired.
00:26:08Sir, my doctor ordered me a complete change.
00:26:11Here I am, sir.
00:26:12Yes, a complete change.
00:26:13Excuse me, Canon.
00:26:14I'm afraid the powers that be
00:26:15have made a slight error.
00:26:16Oh, nothing serious, I hope.
00:26:17Oh, no, indeed, sir.
00:26:18I've done my best to rectify it.
00:26:19It's just a question
00:26:19of changing the seating slightly.
00:26:21Here we are, sir.
00:26:22A home from home.
00:26:25Good evening, Canon.
00:26:30I thought you'd like it, sir.
00:26:37They're all waiting, sir.
00:26:54Your table's at the far end, sir.
00:27:01Good evening, sir.
00:27:02Good evening.
00:27:19Good evening.
00:27:20Good evening, sir.
00:27:23Good evening, sir.
00:27:28Good evening, sir.
00:27:39No, sir.
00:27:41No, sir.
00:27:42I was wondering if any of you had heard the story about the naval lieutenant.
00:27:57Partaking soup, sir.
00:27:58What?
00:27:59Oh, thank you.
00:28:02No, no, sir.
00:28:04No, no, no, don't worry.
00:28:06Don't worry.
00:28:07It'll do it good.
00:28:08Well, this naval lieutenant went to a dance on a ship.
00:28:12You see?
00:28:13And he met a young girl, and she was wearing a brooch with little signaling flags on it.
00:28:18Stuart, brown bread, please whole meal.
00:28:21Must have plenty of rough you should see, you know.
00:28:23Very important.
00:28:25Well, she was a very, very pretty girl.
00:28:31And the parrot said, ludicrous, I grant you, but ruddy difficult.
00:28:37For whom the turbot?
00:28:39Yes, thank you.
00:28:40Do tell us your story, Captain.
00:28:42Oh, well, uh, the lieutenant kept looking at the brooch on her chest, and the girl said,
00:28:48oh, this was a present from my husband, and the little flags read, I love you.
00:28:53How many flags were there, Captain?
00:28:55Well, I, uh, I'm not quite sure.
00:28:57Oh, pardon me.
00:28:57I just wanted to get the details straight.
00:28:59Don't louse up the story, Bill.
00:29:01Oh, not lousin' it up.
00:29:03Yeah, well, the, uh, the lieutenant knew all about signals, of course.
00:29:07So, uh...
00:29:07I don't know any lieutenants, but I knew a lot of admirals during the war, you know, personal friends.
00:29:12But he didn't say anything to the girl.
00:29:16Oh, I forgot to tell you, she was an American.
00:29:18I think it's absolutely beastly the way those American girls get hold of all the best men, don't you?
00:29:23Frankly, it's never bothered me.
00:29:25But he knew there was no signal for love.
00:29:28Poor boys.
00:29:29They're so sweet and gullible, some of them.
00:29:31Condiments for madam?
00:29:35So, he looked it up in his signaling manual.
00:29:37Where do they keep it?
00:29:39Well, in his desk, I suppose.
00:29:40He looked it up when he got back.
00:29:41Oh, really?
00:29:42Uh, you don't mind my asking.
00:29:45Well, when he looked up the signal, of course, it didn't read, I love you, at all.
00:29:50I think I know this story.
00:29:53I'm sorry, sir.
00:29:55What the little flags really read was.
00:29:58Ah, Stuart, I always make my own salad dressing.
00:30:00You better get used to it right away.
00:30:01I shall require some vinegar.
00:30:02Tag and vinegar, you have it?
00:30:04Good.
00:30:05Best olive oil, white lemonade, clove of garlic, parsley, sprig of porridge.
00:30:08And some salad.
00:30:10Yes, of course.
00:30:13Don't tell us all about it.
00:30:15I'm sure you'll be terribly born.
00:30:16No, we really are.
00:30:18Well, um, the Bismarck was here.
00:30:21We were steaming along, making a smoke.
00:30:23Now, look, you've got an aircraft carrier, and you've got a submarine.
00:30:29Now.
00:30:29Haven't we got anything?
00:30:33And I am convinced that a well-mixed salad is the secret of health.
00:30:37It contains all the vitamins and certain salts and minerals as well.
00:30:41Do go on, Captain.
00:30:43Oh, well, as I said, it didn't mean I love you at all.
00:30:47But what the flags on the signal, I mean the signal on the flags really read, was permission to come to bed.
00:30:54I call that damn crude.
00:31:06What was that?
00:31:07The soup must have got into it.
00:31:09I didn't hear.
00:31:10Just as well, I should say.
00:31:12Signal received, Captain.
00:31:31Turbot was rather good, wasn't it?
00:31:33But I thought you didn't have any, Captain.
00:31:36You travelling for pleasure, Miss...
00:31:38Oh, no, I'm going out to be married.
00:31:41How was meeting me at Sydney?
00:31:44We passed Gibraltar, you know.
00:31:46I wish you'd put in there, Captain.
00:31:47I'd like to see those monkeys on the rocks.
00:31:50Apes, sir, apes.
00:31:51There's an interesting tradition.
00:31:53Oh, go on, Bill.
00:31:54You can see all the monkeys you want in Taronga Park Zoo.
00:31:57Apes, madam.
00:31:58Rhesus apes.
00:31:59Yeah, well, these monkeys are different from monkeys.
00:32:01Well, I can't see how any monkey's different from any other monkeys.
00:32:03Well, really, madam, it's...
00:32:04I see you, Gwenny, since when did you set yourself up as an authority on monkeys?
00:32:08Ever since I married into your family, Bill Coke.
00:32:10I'll thank you not to insult my family in front of strangers.
00:32:14Insult your family?
00:32:15Very funny.
00:32:16Ah, I'm going back to the bar.
00:32:19And don't you come crawling back to me when you're dead drunk.
00:32:22Now, Mr. Coke.
00:32:23Oh, madam, I'm so sorry.
00:32:25I beg your pardon.
00:32:26Is something happening?
00:32:27The bridge.
00:32:28I'm wanted.
00:32:29I'm wanted.
00:32:34Yes, Angus?
00:32:58All right, all right.
00:33:17Yeah?
00:33:18Excuse me, sir, but are you busy?
00:33:20No, I'm just killing time till we get to Sydney.
00:33:22Why?
00:33:23My name's Tony Millington, and I thought we wondered, can you marry us?
00:33:29But surely she's engaged already.
00:33:33That's all over now.
00:33:36You'd better come inside.
00:33:39Thank you, sir.
00:33:43Look, don't you think that...
00:33:47Well, isn't this a bit sudden?
00:33:48I mean, a dinner, you...
00:33:50Dinner?
00:33:50I hadn't met Tony.
00:33:51It happened on the boat deck.
00:33:54What did?
00:33:55Suddenly...
00:33:56Suddenly we knew.
00:34:02But it's after midnight.
00:34:05It's late.
00:34:09I suppose you've both made up your own minds.
00:34:13Just go and polish up on the procedure, excuse me.
00:34:15It says here, I can't.
00:34:25I can't!
00:34:27Can't what, sir?
00:34:28It is forbidden by the Marriage Act of 1949.
00:34:31But I want to get married tonight.
00:34:34Well, don't get upset.
00:34:35I mean, it's just as big a shock to me.
00:34:36How can it be?
00:34:37You don't want to marry Tony.
00:34:40It'll keep for a day or two, won't it?
00:34:43It's not one of those shotgun weddings, is it?
00:34:45How dare you, sir?
00:34:47You may be the captain, but I'm not going to let you insult my fiancée.
00:34:50Why, she's the sweetest, purest...
00:34:50All right, all right, all right.
00:34:52Don't go raving mad.
00:34:55Look, why not be engaged instead, huh?
00:34:59Engaged?
00:35:00I'm holding a cocktail party tomorrow night.
00:35:02I'll make a formal announcement then.
00:35:03Now, in the event of an emergency, I don't want you to panic.
00:35:14There is no danger if everyone keeps his head.
00:35:17I saw that clearly enough when I was torpedoed.
00:35:21Every time.
00:35:22I now want to demonstrate the correct way to put on a life jacket.
00:35:26May I have a volunteer?
00:35:27A lady?
00:35:33Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
00:35:42Oh, Megan.
00:35:43Well, do you know how to put one of these things on in five seconds flat?
00:35:48No.
00:35:49Good.
00:35:50I'll show you.
00:35:51Raise your arm, let's be here.
00:35:55Hmm, hmm.
00:36:03Yes?
00:36:08Oh, excuse me, sir.
00:36:09What on deck for boat drill, sir?
00:36:10What now?
00:36:11I've just started work.
00:36:12Won't take long, sir.
00:36:13But it's a question of mood, man.
00:36:15Mood!
00:36:17Regulation, sir.
00:36:24Sir, it's all a question of touch.
00:36:27Now we're tired.
00:36:29Left over right.
00:36:31Right over left.
00:36:32Otherwise, we get a granny.
00:36:36With practice, you can do it in the dark.
00:36:40Those figures are only corrected against the profit and loss under the impressed account system.
00:36:44But the above-the-line entries will be set down against the items made in a subsequent account.
00:36:49My last ship needs to jot this down on the back of a calendar.
00:36:53Rather big a problem, yes, sir.
00:36:54It is, Mr. Brittlewell, it is.
00:36:56Where do you wish me to sign?
00:36:57Here, sir.
00:36:57Sir, if you'd like to sign some of these blank pages, I needn't trouble you again until the end of the voyage.
00:37:04Do you remember the old Actian star, Mr. Brittlewell?
00:37:10Very, very well, sir.
00:37:11Ah, the famous old ship.
00:37:13Very clever man, the purser.
00:37:14Should be coming out of prison next year, if I remember right.
00:37:18Well, where do you want me to sign?
00:37:19Perhaps I'd better double-check, sir.
00:37:20One can't be too careful, can one?
00:37:22All right, Mr. Purser.
00:37:23Very good, sir.
00:37:24Any time.
00:37:24I'm always here, you know.
00:37:28Right.
00:37:30Now, let's run over these ones.
00:37:32It once again, shall we?
00:37:36Left over right, right over left.
00:37:39You inflated?
00:37:40No, it's all me.
00:37:50Good evening, Mrs. Lomax.
00:37:52I hope you brought your son.
00:37:53Yes, I liked it.
00:37:54We lived in India for years.
00:37:57I was talking about your son.
00:37:59No, Calcutta.
00:38:01Captain Ibs, sir.
00:38:02Yes, Bert, wait.
00:38:03Keep circulating, sir.
00:38:04Never give them time to take aim.
00:38:07Martini?
00:38:08Excuse me, Mrs. Lomax.
00:38:09No, thanks, I have one.
00:38:12Are you married, doctor?
00:38:14Oh, yes, indeed, madam.
00:38:15Fifteen years.
00:38:16There she was with her bottom in the air.
00:38:17It took them two weeks to scrape it.
00:38:20Keep circulating, Mr. Shaw Wilson.
00:38:21Oh, Captain.
00:38:24It was so sweet of you to ask me to your lovely party.
00:38:27I'm very glad you could come.
00:38:29Are you, Captain?
00:38:30Were you hoping I'd stay away?
00:38:34I'm sorry, I didn't catch what you said.
00:38:36I didn't say anything, madam.
00:38:37You're cider, sir.
00:38:41Oh, thank you.
00:38:42Thank you very much.
00:38:43Very kind of you.
00:38:45Stuart, can you tell me, that is, are you expecting the other ecclesiastical gentleman?
00:38:51Oh, no, sir.
00:38:52They're invited to the next one.
00:38:55Hold it.
00:38:57Just a minute, Captain.
00:38:59Over here.
00:38:59That's the boy.
00:39:05All right, put your arm around there.
00:39:10That's right.
00:39:15I hope the breach of last night is healed.
00:39:18That's nothing.
00:39:19Just a lover's tip.
00:39:20When he's the sweetest last that ever crossed Sydney Bridge.
00:39:24Now, one with you, Major.
00:39:25Go on, be in it.
00:39:26Don't be afraid.
00:39:28Get in there.
00:39:29That's the stuff.
00:39:31Well, put your arm around him.
00:39:32He's not going to bite you.
00:39:37You know, Captain, this is his second honeymoon for us.
00:39:40Good, good.
00:39:43That's fine.
00:39:45Oh, I wanted a word with you, Captain.
00:39:46I'm only an ordinary passenger like the rest, you understand.
00:39:49Yes, Major.
00:39:50But I'm rather surprised I haven't been asked to serve on the sports committee.
00:39:53Every other captain I sail with has been after me like a shot.
00:39:55Well, I'll see to it that your sails have made you some.
00:39:57At the earliest possible moment.
00:39:58And another thing, the tap in my cabin.
00:40:00It'll drip, drip, drip all night.
00:40:01I haven't had a proper week of sleep since we left England.
00:40:03Well, I'll have a word with the purser at once.
00:40:06Oh, Captain, I knew you'd struggle back to me.
00:40:09I'm just going to have a word with the purser.
00:40:10But you will come and have a drink with me later, won't you?
00:40:12Well, I'm afraid that I...
00:40:148.25.
00:40:15Age what?
00:40:15No, 8.25, the number of my cabin.
00:40:18Oh, excuse me, sir.
00:40:20Miss Porter-Williams.
00:40:21Who?
00:40:22The engaged couple, sir.
00:40:23They're just arriving.
00:40:24Oh, yes, yes, thank you.
00:40:25Excuse me.
00:40:26That's all right.
00:40:27I can wait.
00:40:30Ladies and gentlemen,
00:40:32pray silence for the captain.
00:40:36Ladies and gentlemen,
00:40:37a captain has many duties to perform on a voyage.
00:40:40Some of them pleasant,
00:40:41and some not so pleasant.
00:40:42Well, this is one of the pleasant ones.
00:40:46I have great pleasure
00:40:47in announcing the engagement
00:40:48of Miss Annette Porter-Williams
00:40:51and Mr. Tony...
00:40:53Muggs.
00:40:56Dickie Muggs of Brisbane.
00:40:58Mr. Richard Muggs of Brisbane.
00:41:11Geoffrey.
00:41:12Oh, no, please.
00:41:33Oh, that hurt.
00:41:34It's all so exciting, much better than the brochures.
00:41:49They don't put everything in the brochures, you know.
00:41:51Mr. J, I'll relieve you of the danger of you setting fire to your trousers.
00:42:06Under Captain Buckle...
00:42:07There's only one step to beer in the chartroom and women in the wheelhouse.
00:42:11Mr. J, kindly give my compliments to the Chief Officer and ask him to come to the bridge immediately.
00:42:15You'll find him by number...
00:42:16Number five lifeboat, sir.
00:42:16Number five lifeboat.
00:42:21Evening, sir.
00:42:29Mr. Brickwood, what is all this?
00:42:30I beg your pardon, sir?
00:42:31You appear to be dressed for some sort of sporting event.
00:42:34Oh, Captain Buckle always said the middle watch keepers could dress for comfort, sir.
00:42:37I don't care if you appear on duty stark naked under Captain Buckle,
00:42:40and under my command, company regulations will be strictly observed.
00:42:44Now go below and put on a proper uniform.
00:42:46And get that chimney stack out of sight.
00:42:49Aye, sir.
00:42:51You wanted me, sir?
00:42:53I did.
00:42:54Mr. J, go into the chartroom.
00:42:55Yes, sir.
00:42:59Now, Mr. Shaw Wilson, just what do you think you're up to?
00:43:02I've just been enjoying the night air, sir.
00:43:04I mean, on the boat deck, the whole place is like a rabbit warren.
00:43:06The habits of the rabbits...
00:43:07I mean, the passengers are no concern of ours, sir.
00:43:10No, but the habits of the chief rabbit...
00:43:12I mean, the chief officer is very much a concern of mine, sir.
00:43:16But...
00:43:16I...
00:43:17Under Captain Buckle...
00:43:18I don't want...
00:43:19You will report to me first thing in the morning.
00:43:23Good night, Mr. Shaw Wilson.
00:43:24Hello, Captain.
00:43:40You didn't come to A25, sweetie.
00:43:44Mrs. Porteous.
00:43:46Oh, call me Daphne.
00:43:49Madam, I insist you leave this cabin immediately.
00:43:52What am I going to do?
00:43:54Call out the guard.
00:43:56Madam, it's after midnight.
00:43:59Mrs. Porteous, think of Mr. Porteous.
00:44:02Oh, he's very sweet, too, you know.
00:44:04You'll love him when you meet him.
00:44:07Aren't you going to give him a drink?
00:44:09I think you've had enough.
00:44:10But it's my birthday.
00:44:14Come on, give me a little drink.
00:44:17And then we'll have a little talk.
00:44:20And then I'll go.
00:44:21You promise?
00:44:22Of course, I promise.
00:44:25Come on, come on.
00:44:33The drinks are out here, in the day cabin.
00:44:35No, no, no, no, Captain.
00:44:37I want them in here.
00:44:39It's much cozier.
00:44:47What do you want?
00:44:48Gin, my angel.
00:44:49It has a lovely effect on me.
00:44:54And tonic?
00:45:05Don't be mean with the gin, Captain.
00:45:19Where's yours?
00:45:21Oh, never mind.
00:45:23We can share this.
00:45:24Sit down.
00:45:26No, no, not there.
00:45:29Sit down here.
00:45:30Come on.
00:45:30Come on.
00:45:32Sit down.
00:45:33Sit down.
00:45:36That's better.
00:45:38Let's relax.
00:45:40All but dear.
00:45:45Madam.
00:45:46Shh.
00:45:47You wake up the whole ship.
00:45:49Madam, I am the captain of this ship.
00:45:51I'm expected to set a good example to the crew.
00:45:53And I may add to the passengers.
00:45:54What is this?
00:45:58Don't touch that!
00:46:00Madam. Madam.
00:46:01Follow me, Daphne.
00:46:04Bridge?
00:46:05Madam, think of the papers. Think of the Sunday papers.
00:46:08Mrs. Porteous.
00:46:13That was fun.
00:46:14What are you going to do now?
00:46:22Don't move.
00:46:24Make a sound.
00:46:27Stay there.
00:46:35Yes?
00:46:36Anything wrong, sir?
00:46:37No, no, Mr. Brickwood. Why should there be?
00:46:39I thought you called on the voice pipe, sir.
00:46:41Oh, that. Bit of a nightmare.
00:46:43Failing of mine.
00:46:44Sorry to disturb the bridge.
00:46:45I say, sir.
00:46:49Must have dozed off. Tiring day, you know.
00:46:51Pleased to see you're keeping such a good watch, Mr. Brickwood.
00:46:53Good night.
00:46:54Oh, good night, sir.
00:46:55Good night, Mr. Brickwood.
00:46:56Good night, sir.
00:46:57Hello, Captain.
00:46:58Have you got the light?
00:47:00Hello, Captain.
00:47:11Have you got a light?
00:47:21Oh, just came up for a little fresh air.
00:47:24Lovely moon, eh?
00:47:25You pay no attention to me.
00:47:26Just carry on with the watch.
00:47:30Are you sure you're not going to be chilly, sir?
00:47:32What, me?
00:47:33No, I was hot in my mess jacket.
00:47:34Take your own jacket off if you want to, Mr. Brickwood.
00:47:37Loosen your collar.
00:47:38We can relax company regulations in the middle watch, eh?
00:47:41Yes, sir.
00:47:42Thank you, sir.
00:47:43Love is the sweetest thing.
00:47:47Sir?
00:47:48What?
00:47:48Oh, nothing.
00:47:49I was just singing to myself.
00:47:51Join in, if you like, Mr. Brickwood.
00:47:52Join in.
00:47:54As love's own story,
00:47:56love is the strangest thing.
00:47:58No song of birds upon the wing
00:48:01Shall in our hearts
00:48:02More sweeter sing.
00:48:09Mr. J.
00:48:10I don't suppose you've got such a thing as a cigarette,
00:48:13have you?
00:48:16Huh?
00:48:16Well, sir, I thought it was allowed.
00:48:37Only doing my duty, sir,
00:48:38encouraging the social life of the ship.
00:48:41The poor girl was lonely, sir.
00:48:44I love her.
00:48:54If I have the continued honour
00:48:56to serve under your command, sir,
00:48:57it will never happen again.
00:49:06It wasn't me at all, sir.
00:49:07It was the second officer.
00:49:08It was the third officer.
00:49:18I did not know that.
00:49:31I believe that.
00:49:32It was the third person.
00:49:34Good morning, sir.
00:49:44Ready for a nice little breakfast, sir?
00:49:47No.
00:49:49Now, now, sir.
00:49:50We must keep up our strength.
00:49:52I'll get you a nice little egg.
00:49:54I don't want a nice little egg.
00:49:56Oh, uh, what would you like me to do with these, sir?
00:50:00There seems to be a message, sir.
00:50:11These foolish things will remind you of me.
00:50:15A-25.
00:50:26It's the chief officer, sir.
00:50:28Who?
00:50:29That bath.
00:50:30Good morning, sir.
00:50:34Yes, Mr. Shaw Wilson.
00:50:37You, uh, told me to report to you, sir.
00:50:39I did?
00:50:40What for?
00:50:42On-on-on the bridge last night, sir.
00:50:44Little matter of being with, uh, a lady, sir.
00:50:48Oh, yes.
00:50:49Yes, well.
00:50:50Well, I, uh...
00:50:52I should have expected from you, Mr. Shaw Wilson,
00:50:57a little more discretion.
00:50:58That's all.
00:51:03Yes, sir.
00:51:04Thank you, sir.
00:51:06Morning, sir.
00:51:07Morning, sir.
00:51:08I'll return them personal, sir.
00:51:21A-25.
00:51:23If you only knew some of the things I've taken back for some of my captains, sir.
00:51:26Now, Birtweed, you realise, of course, that nothing, that I was on the bridge?
00:51:30Of course, sir.
00:51:31Another night like last night, and I'm done for.
00:51:34I didn't know the captains came in for this sort of thing.
00:51:36Why, bless you, sir.
00:51:37He's the price-pippin of the lot.
00:51:39Well, isn't there anything I can do about it?
00:51:41May I speak, sir?
00:51:44Well?
00:51:44You've got to get yourself a wife and family, sir.
00:51:47Now, Birtweed, I can hardly marry and raise a family in a single voyage.
00:51:50Oh, I didn't mean in the flesh, sir.
00:51:52Just something to keep the flies away.
00:51:57It's my friend's niece, sir, so you're quite safe.
00:52:00Just put it on your desk with a few flowers, and it's as strong as DDT.
00:52:06Well, I'll be going to A-25, sir.
00:52:08Her name's Alice.
00:52:10Who?
00:52:10Your wife, sir.
00:52:11Oh.
00:52:14All right, Birtweed, thank you.
00:52:16I shall cherish her.
00:52:17Lovely girl, sir, before she lost her figure.
00:52:20Two hearts.
00:52:30Staying on board, gentlemen?
00:52:31What?
00:52:32We've got somewhere.
00:52:33Columba, sir.
00:52:33Columbo?
00:52:34Two spades.
00:52:35Three diamonds.
00:52:36Double.
00:52:45Sorry, sir.
00:52:45Thought you'd be going ashore.
00:52:47Military jet next door wants your pipes looked at.
00:52:49My pipes?
00:52:50Yeah, keeping him awake.
00:52:52He says the thing that used to go drip, drip, drip, now goes thump, thump, thump.
00:53:06Your attention, please.
00:53:08Your attention, please.
00:53:11Passengers going ashore are reminded that there will be a continuous half-hourly service between the ship and the landing stage.
00:53:19Passengers should return aboard, not later than 9 p.m.
00:53:23The ship will sail at midnight.
00:53:26How much longer are you fueling, Mr. Unshaw?
00:53:28Oh, several hours yet.
00:53:29We've only just started.
00:53:30Away by midnight, then, eh?
00:53:31Oh, aye.
00:53:32I'd like to have seen a bit more of your joy during the trip, chief.
00:53:36Forget it.
00:53:37I know what you're up against.
00:53:38Passengers.
00:53:39Well.
00:53:41Hey, chief.
00:53:43How about a drink?
00:53:45That's an idea.
00:53:47Then often we have the ship to ourselves.
00:53:48Well, chief, how do you like the captain's palace, eh?
00:54:01You'll not be dying of thirst, anyway.
00:54:04Remember the old Floriana?
00:54:06Aye, she was a cow of a ship.
00:54:09To the Floriana, chief.
00:54:10To the Floriana.
00:54:11I say, excuse me, but, um...
00:54:23Yes?
00:54:24I know it's the most frightful chief, but, um...
00:54:27Could I marry you?
00:54:29Oh, yes!
00:54:31Lovely place, Columbo.
00:55:01Five hearts.
00:55:04Hello?
00:55:05What's this?
00:55:06That's the wife.
00:55:08Didn't know you were married.
00:55:09What's her name?
00:55:10DDT.
00:55:12Keeps the flies off.
00:55:15Here's to our wives.
00:55:17To our wives.
00:55:21Here, miss?
00:55:22Just there.
00:55:23I reckon we're the only ones left on board, miss.
00:55:25You, me, and the old man.
00:55:27What about this one, miss?
00:55:28Just leave it.
00:55:29Left your miss?
00:55:30Mm-hmm.
00:55:31I give you the toast of my favorite passenger, Major Broster.
00:55:38To Major Broster.
00:55:39Major Broster.
00:55:43Maybe you'll get shot by a tiger.
00:56:01Well, to work.
00:56:14Well, to work.
00:56:17To work.
00:56:21Work.
00:56:22We're still refueling.
00:56:23Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Chiefy.
00:56:26I'll, I'll, let me refuel you.
00:56:28Oh, not for me, lad.
00:56:30I'd, eh, I'd turn in if I were you.
00:56:32I'm not drunk, you know.
00:56:34No, no, no, no, no, no.
00:56:36But, eh, I'd turn in just to see.
00:56:38All right, Chiefy.
00:56:40All right.
00:56:41Goodbye, Chiefy, old scout.
00:56:43All right, be good to the boilers.
00:56:46Be good, sir.
00:56:47Eh, that's my job.
00:56:57Goodbye, Chiefy.
00:56:58Floyd George knew my father,
00:57:10Father knew Lloyd George,
00:57:15Floyd George knew my father,
00:57:19Father knew Lloyd George,
00:57:23Lloyd George knew my father
00:57:27Father knew Lloyd George
00:57:31Lloyd George knew my father
00:57:53Good afternoon, Captain
00:57:56Your servant
00:57:57May I sit?
00:57:59Of course
00:58:00We are alone
00:58:04I have a hell of a life
00:58:09Nobody loves me
00:58:11Poor old Epps
00:58:13Captain, I do believe you've been drinking
00:58:17I am a drunken beast
00:58:19Well, you have a lot to put up with
00:58:21Oh, no, there you understand
00:58:23Let me hold your hand
00:58:25Where is this?
00:58:26Thank you
00:58:26Don't you think you ought to go to your cabin?
00:58:30You know, you're very, very pretty
00:58:32Yes, I think you'd better go to your cabin
00:58:34Come along, Captain
00:58:36And I'll help you up the ladder
00:58:38There we are
00:58:41I don't need any help
00:58:44Thank you
00:58:51There you are, I made it
00:58:55Do you need any help?
00:58:56Very good
00:58:57Shall we?
00:59:02Back early, sir
00:59:03Captain on board?
00:59:05I believe so, sir
00:59:05Good, I want a word with him
00:59:06Some of his crew don't seem to be able to hold their liquor ashore
00:59:09Here we are
00:59:12It's my wife
00:59:18It's the little woman
00:59:20Kathleen
00:59:22Oh, really?
00:59:23And my two little darlings
00:59:26Charming
00:59:27Now, where's your cabin?
00:59:30In there
00:59:31Good
00:59:31Come along, Captain
00:59:32Kathleen
00:59:52Oh, dear, madam
00:59:54I can't bear to think of Mr. Albert being poorly
00:59:57Nonsense
00:59:57He's drunk
00:59:58I'm going to find some aspirins
01:00:00Make some coffee
01:00:01We must get him on his feet before we sail
01:00:03Poor Mr. Albert
01:00:04I must just peep
01:00:06Oh
01:00:10Oh
01:00:27Help me get her to her cabin
01:00:38The madam
01:00:39The poor madam
01:00:40Anchor secured, sir
01:00:58Thank you
01:00:58Port 15
01:01:00Port 15, sir
01:01:01Port 15 on
01:01:03Full ahead together
01:01:04Full ahead together, sir
01:01:05Too short blast, sir
01:01:10Too short blast
01:01:12Too short blast
01:01:12Oh, and we won't forget the beauty competition this afternoon, will we, sir?
01:01:32Never mind, sir
01:01:34It's all a laugh, sir, isn't it?
01:01:36It's all a giggle
01:01:36Yes
01:01:38Oh, that'll be the madam, sir
01:01:40The madam, sir
01:01:45Good morning, Captain
01:01:47You asked to see me?
01:01:49Yes
01:01:49It's very good of you to come
01:01:50Please sit down
01:01:52Uh, Mrs. Chard
01:01:56I want to offer you my deepest apologies for
01:01:59You have every reason for complaint
01:02:01I
01:02:01How are you this morning, Captain?
01:02:03Mortified
01:02:04I seem to remember trying to force my
01:02:07Attentions
01:02:09You were perfectly charming to me
01:02:12Was I?
01:02:14Of course
01:02:15Then you're not going to complain to the board?
01:02:18Nobody will ever know
01:02:21Mrs. Judd
01:02:24You're very kind
01:02:25Nonsense, Captain
01:02:26I only gave you a helping hand
01:02:28Just as your wife would have done
01:02:30Thank you
01:02:48All you have to do
01:03:01Happy Halloween
01:03:02Happy Halloween
01:03:03Just as you
01:03:04Loose
01:03:07Ah, now.
01:03:31Main, 84%.
01:03:32Main, 84%.
01:03:33Teeth, 97%.
01:03:34Teeth, 97%.
01:03:35Girth, 92%.
01:03:36Rump, 84.
01:03:37Rump, 84.
01:03:38Rump, 84.
01:03:39I don't get it, Major.
01:03:41Hmm, quite simple.
01:03:42So many points from top to bottom.
01:03:44It's the maddest way to judge a beauty contest.
01:03:46I was in the cavalry.
01:03:49Thirty-eight.
01:03:57One hundred percent.
01:03:59Hmm?
01:04:06There he's no guy tonight.
01:04:08There he is.
01:04:09One hundred percent.
01:04:10Trash, two hundred percent.
01:04:11Here he is.
01:04:12Janine?
01:04:43Janine, in here.
01:04:51Here, slip this on.
01:04:55It's like you had a spare.
01:05:01And the bottoms.
01:05:03Look silly, they don't match.
01:05:12They're tight.
01:05:13But of course they're tight.
01:05:14It's no good if they're loose.
01:05:19Let's hope it holds, anyway.
01:05:20Come on.
01:05:23Janine, hurry up.
01:05:25Janine!
01:05:26Janine!
01:05:27Janine!
01:05:28Janine!
01:05:29Janine, hurry up.
01:05:38Janine, hurry up.
01:05:41Janine...
01:05:47Welcome, welcome from the tiniest, Captain.
01:06:04The Captain!
01:06:05Look, kiddies, the Captain!
01:06:07Kiddies!
01:06:08Three cheers for the Captain!
01:06:11Good afternoon, children.
01:06:15I let them get down as much as possible
01:06:17and then we play games.
01:06:18You will stay, sir, won't you?
01:06:20Well...
01:06:20Of course you will.
01:06:22Now, I'll take you round.
01:06:26They'll never forgive me if I don't introduce the Captain.
01:06:30This is Terrence Coke.
01:06:33His people are at your table.
01:06:36Well, who are you supposed to be, little man?
01:06:38I'm not supposed to be anybody. I'm me.
01:06:40Oh, I see. Well, are you having a good time?
01:06:42No, I want to play murder. I always play murder at parties.
01:06:45Well, uh, we'll, uh, we'll play murder later, huh?
01:06:48Uh, Captain, uh, uh, this is Harriet.
01:06:50Ah.
01:06:51Hoop!
01:06:53I want to play murder now!
01:06:55Ha, ha, ha, ha.
01:06:59When do the games begin, Miss McGibbon?
01:07:01I'm looking forward to those.
01:07:06Aim over now, sir.
01:07:07I'm so glad you want to see.
01:07:08Oh, yes, I do. I do indeed.
01:07:10Just high spirits, sir.
01:07:14Terrence didn't mean it.
01:07:14Did you, Terrence?
01:07:16Allow me, madam.
01:07:18Just to show there's no hard feelings, Terrence.
01:07:20Let's be nice now, children.
01:07:26Let's be nice now, children.
01:07:28Give me your brother.
01:07:43Children, children.
01:07:45Shoot!
01:07:45Oh, my God.
01:08:15Oh, my God.
01:08:45Thank you for a lovely party.
01:08:57Captain, dear, are you all right?
01:08:59Never felt better in my life.
01:09:00May I have the pleasure of this dance, madam?
01:09:13Right, Bertweed, now you're the lady.
01:09:15Well, don't do the man here.
01:09:17Right, now the man places his right hand flat on the lady's back, slightly higher than in the centre.
01:09:24His left arm is extended, the elbow is bent down, and his hand shall be almost on a level with the base of his ear.
01:09:32Yeah, well, it's all perfectly simple.
01:09:34One, two, three, go.
01:09:37One, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three.
01:09:43Well, here's the cash you've taken at the bar, Bernie, and here are the takings we're handing over to the company to tally with the stock.
01:09:54Naturally, they, um, tally.
01:09:56That leaves us with a hundred and twenty quid apiece.
01:09:59Not bad, not good.
01:10:02Difficult for a bloke to make a living these days.
01:10:04I promised my wife a new fur coat this trip.
01:10:06You've got to keep up appearances, it's sure.
01:10:08I know, I've got it.
01:10:10Tomorrow night is the gala fancy dress ball.
01:10:12It's our last chance.
01:10:13I'll get them drinking champagne.
01:10:14Ah, now you're talking.
01:10:17We haven't worked the champagne lark for some time.
01:10:20Now, Bertweed, we will try the slow foxtrot.
01:10:22Not again, sir.
01:10:23Certainly.
01:10:24This time, you may be the gentleman.
01:10:26Come in.
01:10:28Ah, Mr. Purser, you may go, Bertweed.
01:10:30Your signature, sir.
01:10:36Sad to think the voyage is nearly over.
01:10:38I was just getting into the swing of things.
01:10:40Yes, indeed, sir.
01:10:42I wonder, Purser, would you say I was, on the whole, a not unsuccessful captain?
01:10:47Oh, most certainly, sir.
01:10:48It's been a great pleasure serving under your command.
01:10:50I trust I shall do so for many years to come.
01:10:53Thank you, Purser.
01:10:54In fact, sir, I wanted to ask you, as it's the last night of the voyage,
01:10:57to accept champagne at your table, sir, as a token of my personal esteem.
01:11:01Oh, come now.
01:11:02Well, sir, I'd much rather give it to you than leave it untouched in the ship.
01:11:05What do you mean that nobody on board drinks champagne?
01:11:07Well, consumption's been very low, sir.
01:11:09They seem to have lost the taste.
01:11:11Oh, you leave that to me, Purser.
01:11:12I'll tell them what jolly good champagne the company's got aboard,
01:11:15and they'll be ordering it by the bucket.
01:11:17Very good of you, sir.
01:11:18Last night of the voyage, ladies and gentlemen, I drink to you.
01:11:29To all of you.
01:11:33Lovely gig of water.
01:11:35A good vintage, I must say, Captain.
01:11:37Now, this is with the compliments of the company,
01:11:38and I hope you'll order lots more during the evening.
01:11:41He wants us to order more during the evening.
01:11:43Oh, God.
01:11:46All right, quiet, ladies and gents, please.
01:11:48Now, I'm going to propose a toast.
01:11:50And the bloke has done a damn fine job this trip.
01:11:53Anyone who can spend an afternoon enjoying himself with my kid deserves a medal.
01:11:57To the pommie I take me out up to any day.
01:12:00Ladies and gents, the captain.
01:12:02The captain, the captain.
01:12:03Oh, he's a jolly good pal.
01:12:05Oh, he's a jolly good pal.
01:12:07Oh, he's a jolly good pal.
01:12:10And so say all of us.
01:12:11And so say all of us.
01:12:13Send her victory.
01:12:17And so say all of us.
01:12:23And so say all of us.
01:13:24Yes, I left, so I...
01:13:26Well, I have to drink champagne.
01:13:32You dance well, Captain.
01:13:34Oh, do you really think so?
01:13:43Going well, I think.
01:13:44I'm very proud of you.
01:13:51It's a great success.
01:13:57All alone, young lady?
01:13:59Yes.
01:13:59We must find a partner for you.
01:14:01Ah, Mr. Shaw Wilson.
01:14:03Yes, sir.
01:14:03I have a pleasant duty for you.
01:14:04I'm sure you'd like to dance with this young lady.
01:14:08As a matter of fact, sir, I'm rather busy at the moment.
01:14:10Must encourage the social life of the ship, eh?
01:14:14Uh, good evening.
01:14:17Good evening.
01:14:18Uh, may I have the pleasure?
01:14:29Oh, this is fun, isn't it?
01:14:31I've, uh, I've been itching to dance with you ever since we left London.
01:14:37You're a wizard dancer.
01:14:40Where do you live in England?
01:14:42Crofton.
01:14:42There's, um, there's a castle there or something, isn't there?
01:14:45Yes.
01:14:46That's where we live.
01:14:48In the castle?
01:14:49Yes.
01:14:50Daddy bought it last year.
01:14:52It's so silly of me, but for a moment, you know, I've forgotten your last name.
01:14:55Pritchett.
01:14:56Ward Pritchett.
01:14:57No relation to, uh, Pritchett Motors, I suppose.
01:14:59Yes.
01:15:00Daddy does make cars and things.
01:15:02Ah.
01:15:02I, I, I believe I know your brother.
01:15:05Oh, no, I don't think so.
01:15:07I'm an only child.
01:15:08Ah.
01:15:10You know, it was worth waiting to dance with the most beautiful girl on board.
01:15:16Oh, I'm not beautiful.
01:15:18Oh, to me, you are.
01:15:22And to me, you're a wizard dancer.
01:15:24Ha, ha.
01:15:25Oh.
01:15:27Well, tomorrow it'll all be over.
01:15:29The end of the voyage isn't necessarily the end of the world.
01:15:34There's something I, well, there's something I want to tell you.
01:15:38Yes.
01:15:39Come on, everybody.
01:15:40Let's get it done.
01:15:41Woo-hoo.
01:15:42Let's get it done.
01:15:43You let's get it.
01:15:45Come on.
01:15:47Woo-hoo.
01:15:49I know.
01:15:49Let's all go for a swim.
01:15:51Ah, they've emptied the pool.
01:15:52Oh, never mind.
01:15:54There's plenty of nice and cool water overboard.
01:15:56Daddy, you're fuller than a bored-narse pudding.
01:15:59Oh, you.
01:15:59Oh, let's go down the back.
01:16:01Yoo-hoo.
01:16:03Ah-hoo.
01:16:04What was it you wanted to tell me?
01:16:06Oh, yes.
01:16:08Well, it's about that photograph.
01:16:11Which?
01:16:12The one in my cabin.
01:16:13Of my wife.
01:16:15Oh, yes.
01:16:16Well, you see it, sir.
01:16:17Major Broster wants to have a word with you, sir.
01:16:19Not now, surely.
01:16:21I think you ought to come, sir.
01:16:22Where is he?
01:16:23By the dance floor, sir.
01:16:27Where that blaze has the captain got to?
01:16:29Where is he?
01:16:36Just look at that, sir.
01:16:37Smelly, tasty.
01:16:39Well, what's wrong with it?
01:16:40Wrong with it?
01:16:41On your recommendation, I ordered and paid for champagne.
01:16:44Paul Rochey, for denied.
01:16:45And what do I get?
01:16:46Cider?
01:16:46It's impossible.
01:16:48Well, try it then, madam.
01:16:48Try it.
01:16:51Well, madam?
01:16:52It is cider.
01:16:54Mr. Brickwood, kindly fetch the purse, sir.
01:16:56Lying in your pocket to the passengers' expense, eh?
01:16:59Well, we've caught you.
01:17:00The company shall know of this.
01:17:02I assure you, it will be put right.
01:17:03It's all a mistake.
01:17:04Mistake?
01:17:05You're a crook, sir.
01:17:10We're slipping.
01:17:11We ought to have known the old buzzard wouldn't fall for it.
01:17:14If you'll all just keep calm and wait for the purser.
01:17:17The purser refuses to come, sir.
01:17:19Ah, so it's mutiny, too, now, eh?
01:17:21Oh, pipe down, you old fool.
01:17:25I'll get you with this, hebs.
01:17:26I'll cable Sir Angus.
01:17:28You'll lose your command.
01:17:29I'll help you hound it out of the company.
01:17:44Wouldn't you like a bite of supper, sir?
01:17:47Better pack my belongings, Birtweed.
01:17:50Although I doubt of a captain's uniform is what is worn in Sydney jail.
01:17:54Not jail, sir.
01:17:55Embezzlement, Birtweed.
01:17:57Assaulting a passenger.
01:17:59Yes.
01:18:04I'm terribly sorry to bother you and all that.
01:18:06Terribly sorry.
01:18:07But you see, sir.
01:18:10I told him, but he's so impetuous.
01:18:14I was sort of, well, actually thinking of, of getting married.
01:18:18I thought that, well, sir, as you had nothing to do at the moment,
01:18:21I was wondering whether you would probably...
01:18:22I told you.
01:18:34We think there might be a passenger overboard, sir.
01:18:35What?
01:18:36This was found on the rails.
01:18:37It belonged to Mrs. Porteous.
01:18:39Apparently she tried to go over to the side earlier this evening.
01:18:41Are you searching the ship?
01:18:42Yes, sir.
01:18:42Right, I'll come on the bridge.
01:18:51We've reached the position where she was last seen on board, sir.
01:18:53Stand by below.
01:18:54Stand by below, sir.
01:18:56Accident, boats ready?
01:18:57All ready for lowering, sir.
01:18:57I will stay in the air till daylight.
01:18:59Stop her.
01:18:59Stop that engine, sir.
01:19:01Sparks.
01:19:01Yes, sir.
01:19:02Signal our position to any ships in the neighbourhood.
01:19:04Aye, sir.
01:19:05Tell them to keep a sharp lookout for a cat.
01:19:07Excuse me, sir.
01:19:08Did I ever tell you my friend was psychic?
01:19:10No, you didn't.
01:19:12Then this isn't the time.
01:19:13Well, it's quite true, sir.
01:19:14And I suppose over the years it's spread.
01:19:16Mind you, I don't often get a message myself, sir.
01:19:18But this time I did.
01:19:19Birtwood, you've been drinking.
01:19:20Oh, no, sir.
01:19:22A25, sir.
01:19:23Follow me.
01:19:27C-83, sir.
01:19:30I thought you said A25.
01:19:43Oh, call me Daphne.
01:19:57But we're both men of the world, damn it.
01:20:01We may have had our little differences on the voyage, but surely we can part good friends.
01:20:05Better men than I have fallen under the magical spell of the ocean.
01:20:11Major Broster, the situation on which I intruded last night doesn't call for an official report.
01:20:16But, uh, no doubt it would be of interest to Sir Angus.
01:20:22And a cause of some distress to your wife.
01:20:24Ah, yes.
01:20:25I mustn't hurt my wife.
01:20:27Besides, she's a woman of extremely quick temper.
01:20:30Surely we can come to some understanding.
01:20:33Yes, of course.
01:20:35There's just one thing.
01:20:36As captain of this ship, I have to enter in the log.
01:20:39The reason why we altered course last night and why the ship was searched.
01:20:42But you have to put in every detail.
01:20:44I can't leave anything out.
01:20:46It's against the law.
01:20:48I might lose my command, Major.
01:20:51Captain Ebbs, let us not be too hasty.
01:20:54I have, as you know, great influence in the line.
01:20:56Perhaps if I were to write a letter...
01:20:59A letter, Major?
01:21:00To Sir Angus on the line's magnificent voyage, first class captain.
01:21:05Must be retained in his command.
01:21:08Now, that seems to be an excellent idea.
01:21:10Allow me to dictate it.
01:21:11Are you ready?
01:21:17My dear Angus.
01:21:20My dear Angus.
01:21:24Very good morning to you, gentlemen.
01:21:35I trust I find you well.
01:21:36Thank you, sir.
01:21:38What's the matter with you, Mr. Shaw Wilson?
01:21:40You look a little down.
01:21:41Me, sir?
01:21:42No, sir.
01:21:44As a matter of fact, it's the happiest day of my life.
01:21:47Indeed?
01:21:47Why is that?
01:21:49I'm engaged to be married, sir.
01:21:51To the most beautiful girl in the world.
01:21:53Well, congratulations.
01:21:55May I ask the lady's name?
01:21:57Pritchett Motors.
01:21:59At least her father is.
01:22:01She's an only child.
01:22:02I suppose that means you'll be giving up the sea.
01:22:04Yeah, that's the general idea, sir.
01:22:07If I may, sir, I should like to thank you for the introduction.
01:22:10Not at all, Mr. Shaw Wilson.
01:22:11Not at all.
01:22:20We're alongside, gentlemen.
01:22:21Alongside where?
01:22:22Sidney, sir.
01:22:23Already?
01:22:25And it keeps on interrupting.
01:22:26You take it easy, brother.
01:22:37Don't sit down, you kids.
01:22:39You take it easy, brother.
01:22:40You're in good hands now.
01:22:41Sherry for you, gin for me.
01:22:51Oh, dear.
01:22:52Farewell drinks are so sad, aren't they?
01:22:55Oh, why call it a farewell drink?
01:22:57Because it is, Albert, dear, isn't it?
01:23:02You remember I had something to tell you last night?
01:23:05Yes.
01:23:06Oh, it's a confession, really.
01:23:08Oh, not an unpleasant one, I assure you.
01:23:10One that I hope will put things, um...
01:23:12Yes.
01:23:12...you and me, in a different light.
01:23:16Um, well, you see...
01:23:18Come in.
01:23:21Pardon, sir.
01:23:22One of the passengers wants to see you, sir.
01:23:24Tiny, I thought I told you distinctly I was not to be disturbed.
01:23:27Seems rather special, sir.
01:23:29Oh, all right.
01:23:31Shant be long.
01:23:32Don't go away.
01:23:33No.
01:23:34I won't.
01:23:49Oh, Captain.
01:23:51This is my fiancé, Harold.
01:23:53I want to thank you, sir, for taking such good care of my little girl.
01:23:57She says she's had a wonderful trip.
01:23:58It's something she'll never forget.
01:24:00It's something that I shan't forget, either.
01:24:02You're a lucky man.
01:24:03What's your name?
01:24:04Harold.
01:24:04Yes, Harold.
01:24:05You're a lucky man.
01:24:07Ah, Captain.
01:24:08I wanted to say goodbye.
01:24:10I've behaved rather badly, haven't I?
01:24:12Well, uh...
01:24:13Mrs. Portia, sir...
01:24:14Uh, no.
01:24:15Call me Daphne.
01:24:17All right.
01:24:18Daphne.
01:24:19You saved me last night.
01:24:20I thought I ought to make amends to you.
01:24:24The Major was quite a surprising man when you got to know him.
01:24:28Nice person, Mrs. Judd.
01:24:30Yes, delightful.
01:24:31But I must say I never thought she'd succeed in hooking you.
01:24:35Hooking me?
01:24:36Oh, don't look so innocent, Albert, darling.
01:24:40Surely you've heard of the widow's clues.
01:24:41You mean that she was planning to...
01:24:45To marry you?
01:24:45Of course.
01:24:46But I...
01:24:47I...
01:24:47I'm already married.
01:24:52That photograph.
01:24:54You don't know much about us girls, do you?
01:24:59Well, goodbye, Albert dear.
01:25:03And thank you for a lovely trip.
01:25:05Us girls.
01:25:18Excuse me, sir.
01:25:19Excuse me, sir.
01:25:20But the madam says she'll see you at dinner.
01:25:22She isn't disembarking till tomorrow, sir.
01:25:24Burtweed, kindly tell Mrs. Judd I've been called away on duty
01:25:26and wish her a very goodbye from me.
01:25:28Goodbye, sir.
01:25:28But I thought you...
01:25:29We were wrong, Burtweed.
01:25:30I'm going up on the bridge.
01:25:31Let me know when she's left this ship.
01:25:33For good.
01:25:33There was a message from the lady in B-26, sir.
01:25:51And what time is she arriving, Burtweed?
01:25:53Any moment, sir.
01:26:03It's all a laugh, tiny, isn't it?
01:26:09It's all a giggle.
01:26:10It's all a laugh, tiny, is it?
01:26:17It's all a laugh, tiny, is it?
01:26:19It's all a laugh, tiny, is it?
01:26:21It's all a laugh, tiny, is it?
01:26:23It's all a laugh, tiny, is it?
01:26:24It's all a laugh, tiny, is it?
01:26:25It's all a laugh, tiny, is it?
01:26:25It's all a laugh, tiny, is it?
01:26:27It's all a laugh, tiny, is it?
01:26:27It's all a laugh, tiny, is it?
01:26:28It's all a laugh, tiny, is it?
01:26:29It's all a laugh, tiny, is it?
01:26:30It's all a laugh, tiny, is it?
01:26:31It's all a laugh, tiny, is it?
01:26:31It's all a laugh, tiny, is it?
01:26:33It's all a laugh, tiny, is it?
01:26:34It's all a laugh, tiny, is it?
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