- 4 months ago
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TVTranscript
00:01Tumbling through an interdimensional vortex, Warren and Lucy discover twisted versions of their own world.
00:08Always hoping the next one will be home.
00:17Oh, I hate when it does that.
00:21Where's this?
00:23I don't know, but at least there's no fridges trying to kill us.
00:26Warren and Lucy, you are out of bounds.
00:29You will return immediately or face.
00:32Elimination.
00:33Hang up! Run!
00:59Hasn't been created.
01:01Attention or face.
01:05Elimination.
01:06Elimination.
01:07Now Troves are trying to kill us.
01:09Elimination.
01:10Elimination.
01:11Elimination.
01:12Elimination.
01:13Elimination.
01:14Hard, stop.
01:15In a shock reveal, Warren and Lucy have re-entered the game.
01:26What happened to your tracksuits?
01:36Hey, I'm getting the feeling that we're in some kind of game.
01:42Dad, I hope I inherit your power of perception.
01:48Guys, this is no game.
01:52This is reality.
02:12Contestants from number 23 Hainewa Street, welcome to the first challenge.
02:40Might be in some real trouble, eh?
02:43But at least there are no even fridges.
02:45I think we'll just play along until we can work out what's going on.
02:47Dad, have you ever seen Squid Game?
02:50Is that the fishing one with Clark Gaffer in it?
02:52What's up?
02:53What's up?
02:54In your teams, you must choose one person to be blindfolded.
02:58The other will direct their partner down a path using only the power of their voices.
03:04First team to raise their flag at the end wins.
03:07Oh, and try not to step on the polygons of death.
03:13Um, excuse me.
03:15Can you repeat the first bit, please?
03:17I was miles away.
03:19Ooh.
03:20Ooh.
03:21Ooh.
03:22Ooh.
03:23So, um, we were given these tracksuits to wear and socks and shoes.
03:27And then, um, we were driven to the place where the maze was set up.
03:31That's the game.
03:32There was a sound, and we started the game.
03:36Nekaki Maui, Warren.
03:41Maui.
03:42I am going Maui.
03:43Wait.
03:44Maui's left, is it?
03:45Maybe you haven't even moved.
03:47You know, I get confused with left and right here.
03:49Ah!
03:50Pick up Ma, that's electrified.
03:52Well, that's why I said left.
03:53Warren and Hine are off to a shocking start,
03:56as Warren struggles to understand the complicated notion of left and right.
04:01Left!
04:02Left!
04:03Left!
04:04Left!
04:05Left!
04:06Like I left you!
04:07Hey!
04:08Yeah, okay, now turn 37 degrees nor east and take five half-yard strides.
04:12What?
04:13Just use normal instructions!
04:15Not my fault you didn't take nautical training.
04:17Hey!
04:18No one has taken nautical training!
04:20Yes, Beau.
04:21That's perfect.
04:22Now walk forwards for two medium steps.
04:26Got it.
04:27Beau's heart rate seems to rise every time Lucy speaks.
04:30Oh!
04:31Ignore that!
04:32Beau's cheeks are flushed red.
04:35Are those the signs of young love?
04:37Ah!
04:38Shut up!
04:39Sauron!
04:40You massive...
04:41Eyehole!
04:42Eyehole?
04:43Focus!
04:44Five steps.
04:45Eri mangakikoi.
04:46Stop!
04:47What?
04:48What?
04:49What?
04:50What?
04:51What?
04:52What?
04:53What?
04:54What? What? What?
04:55You're about to step on a polygon.
04:56Poly who?
04:57I don't know anything about reality TV to be honest.
05:01I accidentally watched Naked Attraction once.
05:04People weren't very attractive but they were very naked.
05:08I'm tired of being told what to do by you.
05:11For the last 20 years you keep telling me what to do.
05:13Yeah, and you were blind for those 20 years as well so nothing's changed.
05:16Oh!
05:17Ha ha ha!
05:18I see what you did there.
05:19You know what?
05:20For 20 years you tell me oh you can't cut your toenails in the kitchen.
05:23For 20 years you tell me oh leave the toilet lid down.
05:26For 20 years you tell me we can't do it in the frozen produce section at the supermarket
05:31because it...
05:32Unhygienic.
05:33Let me finish.
05:34Because it's unhygienic.
05:35Well you know what?
05:36I can do whatever I want to do.
05:38Okay?
05:39I don't have to stand right here because I'm going to stand right here.
05:45He's gone!
05:48Uh oh.
05:49Murray is our first contestant to be eliminated.
05:53When Murray and I broke up I decided he was dead to me.
05:57And now he actually is dead.
06:00Sorry does anybody have like one to three bottles of wine handy?
06:08I smell a conspiracy there.
06:10Because if you think...
06:12My body's disappeared.
06:13What?
06:14You've taken my body?
06:15As if zapping us with lasers wasn't enough.
06:16And now you're taking...
06:20It's the green tracksuit on the green screen.
06:25We're gonna have to win this game to open the vortex aren't we?
06:28Why did I have to be reality TV?
06:30I'd rather walk barefoot across Lego than watch reality TV.
06:33Let alone be in one.
06:34What?
06:35What the heck happened to you guys in the vortex hmm?
06:37What?
06:40Oh wait.
06:42You're a different Warren and Lucy aren't you?
06:45Now we're THE Warren and Lucy.
06:47Yeah the best Warren and Lucy.
06:48Five stars.
06:49We'll not disappoint.
06:50Whatever.
06:51So...
06:52Can you be Basil Exposition for us?
06:54We don't have time for this.
06:55Hey.
06:56All you need to know is that Aotearoa got taken over by a big corporation and turned it into
07:00one big ugly reality TV shop.
07:02And right now they're probably subtitling every single word we say.
07:09So this is happening in every backyard?
07:11That's my wrinkly butt with rubber.
07:14Not Mrs. Schrodinger!
07:23Oh now the cat's using her ashes at the litter tree.
07:25Bad cat!
07:27Some sneaky players have emerged.
07:30It seems an alliance is forming between Hine, Warren and Lucy.
07:34It's not an alliance!
07:35We're whanau!
07:36Yeah.
07:37Yeah you tell them alternate anymore.
07:39Thanks alternate babe.
07:40I...
07:41Contestants who are still alive, make your way to tribal council.
07:48Here's some shots you've already seen but have probably already forgotten.
07:52Right here!
07:56And then it was the air break.
07:59Contestants, you must vote for someone to be eliminated.
08:04Um, can I vote for people who say, hashtag not all men?
08:07Let the voting begin.
08:10The votes have been counted.
08:12The first person voted out of the game at number 23 Haidewa Street.
08:14And the second person to be eliminated is...
08:16Moral!
08:17Oh my...
08:18Oh my...
08:19Oh my god!
08:20Oh my god!
08:21Oh my god!
08:22I've got a few things to say.
08:23First of all, R.I.P. Murray.
08:24He may have been a wet fart of a husband but he was a good man.
08:25Second of all, Beau.
08:26You will always be my baby.
08:27The first person voted out of the game at number 23 Haidewa Street.
08:30And the second person to be eliminated is...
08:32Moral!
08:33Oh my god!
08:34I've got a few things to say.
08:35First of all, R.I.P. Murray.
08:37He may have been a wet fart of a husband but he was a good man.
08:38Second of all, Beau.
08:39You will always be my baby boy.
08:40And I would like to say that I am extremely proud of how I conducted myself in this game.
08:44I stayed true to myself.
08:45I was honest.
08:46I was respectful to my fellow contestants.
08:47So you can all suck my big fat.
08:48Oh!
08:49Oh!
08:50Oh!
08:51Oh!
08:52Oh!
08:53Oh!
08:54Oh!
08:55Oh!
08:56Oh!
08:57Oh!
08:58Oh!
08:59Oh!
09:00Oh!
09:01Oh!
09:02Oh!
09:03Oh!
09:04Oh!
09:05Oh!
09:06Oh!
09:07Oh!
09:08Oh!
09:09Oh!
09:10Oh!
09:11Oh!
09:12Oh!
09:13Oh!
09:14Oh!
09:15Oh!
09:16The game has spoken.
09:18It's room makeover time.
09:21Contestants must makeover their rooms but they'll only have 60 seconds.
09:30We have to makeover this entire room in 60 seconds?
09:32It takes me longer just to put my jeans on.
09:34I could help.
09:35Oh!
09:36Shut up, alternate Beau.
09:38I have been to every design class for real estate beginners my work had to offer.
09:43I know how to mix patterns and create a feature wall.
09:45How can a wall be a feature?
09:47Yeah?
09:48It is a structural necessity invented by the Bavarian Illuminati in the 18th century.
09:52What do you think of these bad boys?
09:54Hmm.
09:55So this challenge seems way less dangerous than the last one.
09:58Don't joke that.
09:59And there's just one more thing.
10:01While you're carrying out the challenge, the rooms will be slowly filling up with poisonous gas.
10:08Hiya.
10:09There it is.
10:10Good luck teams.
10:11Your time starts now.
10:12What are you doing?
10:13It's the best way to get the ideal hang.
10:14No, just gonna find out where the studs are.
10:15We have 60 seconds.
10:16Just put it on the wall.
10:17Well, it's gonna be all over the place.
10:18I'm just saying, babe.
10:19Where did I put that hammer?
10:20Oh, yeah.
10:21That should be so dumb.
10:22Oh, my God.
10:23Who's gonna work right now?
10:24What are you doing?
10:25It's the best way to get the ideal hang.
10:27Now, just gonna find out where the studs are.
10:29We have 60 seconds.
10:31Just put it on the wall.
10:32Well, it's gonna be all over the place.
10:34Just saying, babe, where did I put that hammer?
10:36Oh, yeah.
10:37Come here...
10:38The chair...
10:39Come here.
10:40Get used.
10:47Love them.
10:48Love them.
10:49Hope they be Bu...
10:50I'm coming with you.
10:53Babe, is there a pencil over there?
10:55Alright, it's just a light cushion chop in the middle with the side of your hand.
10:59Hi-ya!
11:01Here we go, give it a go.
11:02Darren!
11:03It's a pillow!
11:05Be a masseuse, not a chiropractor!
11:07Go paint that wall apricot right now!
11:11Don't forget the paint!
11:15So angry, Darren, honestly.
11:20Ah!
11:20Come on!
11:22Let me go!
11:22Sorry!
11:24Does it look over me?
11:25I don't know!
11:28I don't think I can fall off.
11:30I think this could be it, Warren.
11:34Honey!
11:35Shut your mouth!
11:36Excuse me?
11:37I mean, cover your mouth and hold your breath.
11:43Lucy!
11:44Cover your mouth or something and hold your breath!
11:50Yeah, it's all about how you control the roller to give a smooth and structured finish.
11:57Of course, you don't want to leave a wet edge and...
11:58No one cares if you painted a wall, Mr Mansplaner.
12:02I'm the one that made this room come alive.
12:04Warren and Hine went the shabby chic route, but only got as far as the shabby.
12:19Lucy and Bo have gone for the car crash aesthetic.
12:23Unfortunately, they've nailed it.
12:25And they're our worst performing team.
12:27They're our frontrunners for elimination.
12:29Ian and Darren have pulled off a stunner.
12:34Beautiful use of colour really ties in this contemporary look.
12:38These are clearly our frontrunners.
12:41But hang on.
12:42Oh, no.
12:43It looks like they've been overcome by the toxic gas.
12:47Their room took our breath away.
12:49Looks like theirs as well.
12:50Lucy and Bo are safe.
12:52Dad, we need to be on the same team.
12:58If I stay with puppy boy over there, I'll be ash in minutes.
13:01I say we ditch our partners and form our own team.
13:04What about your mum?
13:05She's not my mum.
13:06And she's not your wife.
13:07Yeah, but she looks really good in that tracksuit, though.
13:10Like...
13:11Dad, focus.
13:14I'll go tell Bo, you go tell Mum.
13:16Fake Mum.
13:16Oh, no.
13:21Bo has left the gaming area and will be eliminated.
13:24No, I was just chasing a butterfly.
13:26No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
13:28At least you don't have to tell them you're dumping them.
13:36Contestants, there are now no more teams.
13:39We've moved on to individual challenges to find one single winner.
13:43As a result, I don't have to break up with anyone anymore.
13:47Dad, one single winner.
13:51You too.
13:52How to make.
13:54Ooh.
13:55It's time for the Feed Your Fear Challenge.
13:59Yum.
14:00Oh, no, we're going to have to eat gross animal parts, aren't we?
14:03Oh.
14:04Oh, well, we can cope with that, Lucy.
14:05We can cope with any vile, disgusting thing they put in front of us.
14:08In a shock twist, we're bringing in a wild card entry to the game.
14:13The winner of the game at number 21, Haidewa Street, Officer Phil Doyle.
14:21G'day.
14:22G'day.
14:23Bon appetites, eh?
14:24Bon appetites.
14:26Ooh, something smells good, and it ain't my aftershave.
14:28Contestants, prepare to face your culinary fears.
14:37Remove your lids.
14:41Hinamua must eat three-week-old raw fish from tail to head.
14:45Oh, no.
14:46Lucy must eat sheep droppings.
14:48Oh, what are the odds?
14:51Warren has to eat pig sphincters.
14:53What a bummer, mate.
14:55That didn't look so bad.
14:57Wait, what's the sphincter again?
14:58Bum-hole.
15:00You monsters.
15:02While our wild card Phil has to eat a delicious jam scone.
15:08Oh, no.
15:09Oh, come on.
15:10I've got to eat a bum-hole.
15:11Bottoms up, Harrison.
15:13Oh, wait, there's no cream here.
15:15Ooh, thank you very much.
15:17You'll have 60 seconds to eat everything on your plates.
15:21Are you ready, contestants?
15:23Ready.
15:23Ready.
15:28These are way chewier than I expected, and no flavour.
15:32Wait.
15:32My steak is deep, hot sauce.
15:39Dad, I can't do this.
15:40Want some hot sauce?
15:41No.
15:44Babe, what are you doing?
15:45I'm not eating one.
15:47Lucy, if you eat one of those, then I'll be eliminated and not you.
15:50But, um...
15:51Lucy, koha, Harrison, you do as you're told and you eat that poo.
15:56I can't.
15:56It's poo.
15:59Eat the poo, Papa.
16:01I'll be okay.
16:09Time's up.
16:12It looks like Hine hasn't even touched her fish, so she'll be eliminated.
16:23What's wrong, then?
16:25I don't know.
16:27But wait.
16:28It seems Phil has an undisclosed jam allergy.
16:32Oh, no.
16:33Poor guy's dying.
16:36Yep.
16:37At least I got to watch you eat butt moles, Harrison.
16:40Yep.
16:41And it was glory.
16:43And gone.
16:49Sadly, Hine will still need to be eliminated.
16:53Babe?
16:53What?
16:54That's not fair.
16:55I'll give my takutou.
16:58Aw.
17:01I hate it when your wife, who's not really your wife, gets blasted off the face of the earth.
17:05It really dampens the mood.
17:08Just two players remain.
17:10One will win.
17:12One will be eliminated.
17:15Okay.
17:16Honey, listen.
17:18Your mum, who's not your mum, sacrificed herself for you.
17:22So now it's my turn.
17:23Okay?
17:24No, no.
17:25You have to win.
17:26And you have to make it home.
17:27So I'm going to make damn sure that I fail.
17:29No matter what the next challenge is, I'm going to be the worst in the world at it.
17:33Okay?
17:33I'm going to fail like no one's ever failed before.
17:37Welcome to the final backyard barbecue challenge.
17:40Oh, no.
17:43Contestants, you're required to cook the perfect medium rare steak.
17:47Of course.
17:47And who will judge the perfect barbecue steak?
17:50Who?
17:50Stanky Steve, creator of Stanky Steve's world famous hot sauce.
17:58Stanky Steve's hot sauce is stanktastic.
18:00May cause explosive diarrhea.
18:02Oh, no.
18:03If it don't stank, it ain't in the bank.
18:06Tēnā koe, te rakatira.
18:09Who is that?
18:09He's only the greatest barbecue who ever lived next to Liam Neeson's personal chef.
18:15Please welcome your second judge, Liam Neeson's personal chef, Mike O'Shaughnessy.
18:22I feel like I'm being ripped apart by joy and sadness.
18:27Grillas ready?
18:28Ready.
18:29Yep.
18:30And grill.
18:31What does it matter?
18:43It doesn't matter.
18:45Have you got a good seal on one side?
18:50I think so.
18:51Good.
18:52Another two minutes and then take it off.
18:54What are you going to do?
18:57I'm going to burn my steak.
18:58But you, you have to watch that like a hawk.
19:01And in approximately 35 seconds, you're going to take it off the grill.
19:04Do you understand?
19:06I understand.
19:07It's been a pleasure grilling with you, Lucy Harrison.
19:17Fine.
19:18Fine.
19:20Oh.
19:20Oh.
19:25Oh.
19:26Oh.
19:27Oh.
19:28Thank you, darling.
19:32Warren's steak is more eye-watering than mouth-watering.
19:37Oh, fuck.
19:39Lucy must bring her plate up to the judges.
19:42Oh.
19:42Oh.
19:42Oh.
19:42Oh.
19:42Oh.
19:42Oh.
19:43Oh.
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19:59Oh.
20:00Oh.
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20:13Oh.
20:14Oh.
20:15Oh.
20:16Oh.
20:17Oh.
20:18Oh my god, you actually liked it
20:27You know I'm quite taken with this well done
20:38And finally Warren must bring his plate forward for judgment
20:48I
21:14Have tasted roadkill
21:16After a forest fire and tasted better than this
21:22I'm not eating that. No way
21:25And so salty
21:28This is quite literally the saddest day of my entire life
21:39The winner of the barbecue challenge is
21:46Lucy
21:48Hey
21:50Thank you for burning your steak for me Dad
21:53I know it was really hard for you
21:55It's one of the hardest things I've had to do in my entire life
21:59But I'd do it all again
22:01Because for you sweetheart, I'd do anything
22:03Warren, it's elimination time
22:07Whoa, how did that happen?
22:14This, after supporting each other must be the key to opening the vortex
22:16Alright honey, they're bloody, join along with
22:18Just run it straight
22:24He's been taken
22:27We're not back
22:28I'm pretty sure this is not our home
22:32Three bedroom, two bathroom
22:33Central, very reluctant cell
22:36Can you ask?
22:36It's a picket fence haven
22:37This is a clown world?
22:41They're robots
22:42Cheese it
22:42And we still can't afford to have a roof over our heads
22:46We live in boxes
22:47You live in what?
22:51Oh, we didn't save the day at all, did we?
22:53Okay
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