- hace 1 año
¡Extra, extra! El Nerd reseña "Paperboy" para la NES, mientras contesta la pregunta de si un diario enrollado puede romper una ventana y si es posible insertar uno en un buzón mientras andas en bicicleta.
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00:00¡Gracias!
00:30When you think back to the early days of the NES, one title that can't be forgotten is Paperboy.
00:54It was one of the first NES games to come from an American company, Atari, who first introduced it as an arcade in 1985.
01:01And then it was ported onto more consoles and home computers to count.
01:05Commodore 64, Apple II, Amiga, Sega Master System, Game Boy, Game Gear, Genesis, everything you could possibly think of.
01:12There was even a Tiger handheld version. Also, a sequel and an N64 version in 3D style.
01:19It really caught on. It's considered first rank, definitive in its field, of enduring interest, the highest nostalgic value.
01:27It connected with the public, it's universally renowned, one of the all-time classic video games.
01:35And it's all about delivering newspapers.
01:38It's as basic as it gets. You're a paperboy riding a bike with one goal, deliver newspapers to the subscribers.
01:47For those who remember it, there's nothing more to explain.
01:50But for the younger gamers today, you're probably scratching your heads.
01:54Maybe not, but if so, I'll clear it up, okay?
01:58A newspaper is a publication issued at regular intervals, usually daily or weekly, and contains news, politics, sports, business, finance, advertisements, comics, etc.
02:06And they were printed on paper! It was fucking crazy!
02:10Yes, newspapers still exist, and even Nintendo still makes games, but that's debatable.
02:15Anyway, if you know newspapers and old video games, let's continue.
02:20There's seven stages, or should I say seven days.
02:23At the start of each day, you're shown a street map indicating which houses are subscribers and which ones aren't.
02:28Then you're on your way to start delivering papers.
02:31Thankfully, you do not have to remember the street map.
02:34The subscribers' homes are very easy to recognize.
02:37Not by the mailbox!
02:38That would make too much sense.
02:40The entire houses are labeled by color.
02:44The white houses are subscribers.
02:46The red houses are non-subscribers.
02:48Wow.
02:49Can you imagine painting your house based on your newspaper subscription?
02:53Next time you and your spouse are going over the bills, and they're on your case about canceling your subscription to that damn paper, you'll first have to consider if you really want to go through the effort of painting your house again.
03:05The idea is to throw the newspapers, hoping they land on the doormat or into the mailbox for more points.
03:10Yeah, points.
03:11It was an arcade game, what do you expect?
03:13For every house you miss, the next day they become non-subscribers.
03:17But you can also lose subscribers by smashing their windows.
03:21Apparently there's a brick inside these newspapers.
03:25Yeah, all full of bricks.
03:26Now I feel really bad for this paper boy for carrying such a heavy load.
03:30But seriously, can you break a window with a newspaper?
03:34Can't say I ever tried it.
03:48Okay, so it's possible.
03:51Even if you get one in the mailbox, but you break a window, they unsubscribe.
03:55Assholes.
03:56They got their paper!
03:57I still delivered it, didn't I?
03:59Dude, if I was a kid and Nintendo Power came crashing through my window, I'd say fuck yeah!
04:05I've been playing this game for almost 30 years, and aiming the newspapers has always been a problem.
04:11The game is tilted in an awkward, isometric angle, which was ambitious for its time, but annoying as hell.
04:18When you throw a paper, you have to time it perfectly.
04:21And even after the paper is airborne, it changes its trajectory based on the movement of your bike.
04:27You just have to throw it and hope by some miracle it hits the mark.
04:31It's sort of like a game kids used to play in the 60s, where they would shit in two separate toilets and flush them simultaneously hoping their turds would meet.
04:40Actually, I just made that up.
04:42It wouldn't be as hard if you weren't so busy moving around avoiding hazards.
04:46I'm never able to split my attention to the mailbox and the road at the same time.
04:52I'm either going to break a window, or fall on my ass and kill myself.
04:56Not to mention, only three hits, and the game's over.
05:02Damn, I was so close!
05:04Ugh, again?
05:05Jesus, fuck!
05:09And you know what pisses me off the most?
05:11Is that nobody else seems to think this is that hard.
05:14But for me, aiming the newspaper into the mailbox is like trying to slingshot a dingleberry from a playground roundabout that's situated on a moving parade float, aiming into a bottle cap that's tied by a string to a Himalayan snowcock.
05:26While drunk.
05:27It would take somebody from NASA who knows how to calculate exactly when a certain asteroid is gonna pass by a certain planet when it's lined up with a certain constellation during a certain moon phase.
05:37Meanwhile, I'm still trying to calculate my cat's shit-comments that spreads across the carpet after wiping its ass on it before its anal glands have been evacuated.
05:46But hang on, what are we talking about here?
05:49What's at stake?
05:50Getting a newspaper to land on a doormat or, God forbid, into a mailbox?
05:54When would that ever happen?
05:56All the times I've witnessed newspapers being delivered, it's more like this.
06:01There.
06:02Have you ever seen anybody launch one into a mailbox?
06:05No!
06:06Nobody tries that!
06:08If you did, you'd be a town hero!
06:10You'd get your dick sucked!
06:12Cats would bow at your feet!
06:14Even if the neighborhood pitbull would spread out onto the ground to bask in your glory!
06:20They just drop them near the curb, maybe in the driveway where you'll run over in the car on your way to work and it'll get soaked by rain before you even realize it's there until the water and paper consistency turns into a soppy, inky mush, and then it dries in the sun looking like some kind of kindergarten paper mache fuck-up.
06:38Nowadays, newspapers are usually delivered by cars.
06:42I mean, by people in cars, but I guess newspaper adult car driving deliverer wouldn't have made such a great game.
06:49But neither did this!
06:50You wanna deliver something?
06:51Deliver us from the torment of this horrible game!
06:54How hard would it actually be to throw a newspaper into a mailbox?
06:59Only one way to find out.
07:01Yep.
07:02What I thought.
07:03It's more fun to break the windows anyway.
07:18So fuck it.
07:19Extra!
07:20Extra!
07:21Paperboy goes mad!
07:22Here's some assifieds!
07:24Here you go, daily douchebag!
07:2610% off your next purchase of FUCK YOU!
07:28Cloudy with a chance of ass kicking!
07:30Dear Abby!
07:31Make him eat shit!
07:32Crosswords!
07:33Can you spell cunt horoscopes?
07:34You will achieve greatness!
07:36IN HELL!
07:37But here's the real kicker.
07:39You know how to turn a non-subscriber into a subscriber?
07:42You know what you do?
07:46Break their windows.
07:48Is that in your job duty?
07:50Is that the protocol?
07:52Your boss tells you,
07:53Look, if they don't subscribe, send them a paper anyway.
07:56Through their window.
07:57I'd like to know more about this boss.
07:59Who is this person who has such extreme solutions to things?
08:02This is the type of person who takes out a housefly with a grenade.
08:06And every time their car runs out of gas, buys a new car.
08:10You're breaking people's windows.
08:12They have to get new glass.
08:13Fast.
08:14It's cold at night.
08:15There's bugs getting in.
08:16Please, we'll subscribe to your paper!
08:18Just stop breaking our windows!
08:20Another weird thing about this game is trying to pause it.
08:24I don't even know how to explain it, but if you press the start button too quickly, it doesn't stay paused.
08:30It only lasts for a fraction of a second, like if you blinked, you missed it.
08:40You have to be very deliberate with how you press it.
08:43I've never seen this phenomenon in any other NES game.
08:47Now, let's talk about the in-game oddities that you'll witness.
08:50Take this home, for example.
08:52Impeccable and spacious, with four beds, two baths, 2,500 square feet, new kitchen, stainless steel appliances, granite counters, hardwood floors, central air, heat, professionally landscaped front yard, and two gravestones.
09:04And plenty open lots for the rest of your family.
09:08Why are there gravestones in the front yard?
09:12And how do you knock them over with your newspapers?
09:15These are some powerful papers!
09:18Maybe the gravestones are just styrofoam Halloween decorations.
09:21And they're the only home that celebrates it.
09:24We're only getting started.
09:25Who's this crazy woman?
09:27This enraged beast that comes flying at you?
09:30She's a subscriber too!
09:32You don't even have to break a window to trigger her!
09:34In fact, I landed a paper right on her doormat, and she still wants me dead!
09:40What's her deal?
09:42Maybe she read too much Marmaduke and Family Circus.
09:45How do you make the same comic strip every day?
09:47There's no way it can all be good.
09:49And this guy here, can you take that inside?
09:52Really? Do you have to do that on the sidewalk?
09:54You fuckin' pervert.
09:55Then there's a tire that randomly comes rolling out from behind the house.
09:59Who's back there? Rollin' tires!
10:01Get a life!
10:03How about the lawnmower?
10:05The remote control cars?
10:06The brake dancer!
10:07Yeah, he's brake dancing all by himself on the sidewalk!
10:10Is it a challenge?
10:12Did I get served?
10:13What's this?
10:14A tornado?
10:15Or the Tasmanian fuckin' devil?
10:17If there's a tornado comin' through town, I think the residents have bigger issues than not getting their papers.
10:22Can't I take the day off if there's a fucking tornado warning?
10:25Maybe it's Simon Belmont.
10:27You didn't know that.
10:28After he used the tornado, he had to pass through Paperboy before he reached the other side.
10:33How about the lawn ornament?
10:34It's the famous lawn jockey statue, an old tradition seen in Home Alone, for example.
10:39This may be common, but it's not common to see them come alive!
10:43This should be making headlines.
10:45I should be delivering extra extra lawn ornament attacks Paperboy instead of Paperboy calls it quits.
10:52That's not newsworthy!
10:54Then there's the dog.
10:55That's the only thing that makes sense.
10:57The only hazard a Paperboy might actually encounter.
11:00But man, does this dog run far.
11:03Somebody needs to get a fence.
11:05And uh...
11:06Um...
11:10The Grim Reaper is in town.
11:13That's a problem.
11:14Here, read the obituaries, you piece of shit!
11:17You would think maybe the instruction manual has some backstories to these characters.
11:21Maybe there's a reason why all this is happening.
11:24But no, it lists the obstacles, and that's it.
11:27Even Jekyll and Hyde had a detailed character list with illustrations and stories.
11:32This manual tells you the absolute minimum, only what you need to know to play the game.
11:37No illustrations, except for the controller.
11:39It's one of the most boring NES manuals I've ever seen.
11:43And if I can say anything at all about Jekyll and Hyde being better, then you know you have problems.
11:48Speaking of Jekyll and Hyde, there's something about this that reminds me of it.
11:52It's an ordinary town, full of things that wouldn't normally be dangerous.
11:57It's made to look innocent, but it's all a trick.
12:00Listen to the music. It's peaceful and mellow.
12:09It makes you feel like there's nothing too urgent going on.
12:12Like you're the one who's fucking up.
12:14It annoys me to the very core of my soul.
12:17Ever since I've played this game as a kid, I've had a personal vendetta against it.
12:22Did I just hit a bright green Model T that's parked? Could I be humiliated anymore?
12:29And I respawn right behind it? Are you kidding me?
12:33What would happen if an actual paper boy fell off his bike? Nobody gets their papers?
12:38You can't ride over the curb. If you're in the street, you're stuck there until there's a driveway.
12:43That's your only window of opportunity to get back onto the sidewalk.
12:47But there's always something in your way that forces you back down, so you're always trapped in the bottom right-hand corner of the screen.
12:54Come to think of it, the game hardly uses much of the screen at all. Half the space is taken up by the houses.
13:00You'll never go to the left very much. So that area of the screen is completely wasted.
13:06It's like Back to the Future. You're moving through a town, you can't do anything to stop yourself from moving,
13:12and every common thing is out to kill you.
13:14But imagine if you were playing Back to the Future crammed into the corner of the screen,
13:18and if you make it onto the sidewalk, now you're playing Silver Surfer.
13:22Ask any newspaper delivery person, hey, what's your job like?
13:26I doubt they'd say, it's like Silver Surfer stretched over a sidewalk.
13:30As for the houses, that's any NES game before it's been cleaned. It's nothing.
13:38Mmm, fuck!
13:40Deadly dick!
13:41This is impossible, with only three lives. Maybe there's a secret method. I wish there was a strategy guide.
13:48Oh! Oh, what the hell?
13:52Wow!
13:54The official Paperboy Strategy Guide!
13:57The official Paperboy Strategy Guide!
14:09Whenever you make it to the end of the street, you're treated to an obstacle course finale.
14:13Why would you pass through an obstacle course after delivering papers?
14:17Does it just happen to be on the way? Or was this the ultimate goal all along?
14:21I'd say this kid deserves a little fun. I mean, he has a pretty dangerous job. And remember, he still has to go to school afterwards.
14:30He even gets some fanfare! That's right, there's been people sitting there the whole time waiting for him.
14:36What's up with the guy on the right? Looks like his head is missing.
14:39The obstacles have no rhyme or reason. Cones, hoops, and ramps are scattered like random, as if the programmer stamped them all over the place while blindfolded.
14:48It's like designing a course in Excitebike for your first time. And whenever a path splits, it's all a matter of chance if there's going to be a wall blocking the way.
14:57With the ramps, you have to be lined up perfectly. Fuck this isometric angle!
15:04Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
15:10You know what? I hate this game. If you can't already tell. Some people are good at it and say it takes time to get used to.
15:25Yeah, I'd say. Almost 30 years and I still suck just as bad.
15:29For everybody who's taken a beating down the friendly neighborhood of Fuxfield, USA, but still remembers it as this great nostalgic pastime,
15:36I'm here to remind you, Paperboy was not all sparkles and sunshine.
15:40So I suggest you unsubscribe to your sentimentality.
15:44Now I have a delivery to make.
15:52Yeah!
15:54Whoa!
15:59Whoa!