- hace 1 año
Deprimido por no ser capaz de salir debido a la pandemia, el Nerd decide acomodarse y reseñar el videojuego "Darkman" de la NES basado en la película del mismo nombre.
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00:00¡Ey!
00:02¡Ey!
00:06I'm depressed.
00:07Haven't gone anywhere.
00:08Been stuck in my basement for so long.
00:10Haven't had any natural light in a long time.
00:12But that's gonna change.
00:14I'm gonna have some natural light.
00:17Yeah, that's what I need.
00:19You didn't think I meant sunlight, did you?
00:21No, I don't need that shit.
00:22In fact, let's turn out all the lights in here.
00:24Here we go.
00:25Let's turn that off.
00:26And this one right here.
00:27Yeah, there we go.
00:29That's the way I like it.
00:30I like it dark, man.
00:35Dark, man.
00:38Yeah, okay.
00:39I'm sorry.
00:40No more lame jokes.
00:52He's gonna take you back to the past.
00:55To play the shitty games that suck ass.
00:59He'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear.
01:07He'd rather eat the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk than down it with beer.
01:16He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard.
01:20He's the angry Nintendo nerd.
01:24He's the angry Atari Sega nerd.
01:28He's the angry video game nerd.
01:30He's the angry video game nerd.
01:34Dark man's one of those games based on a movie.
01:38A movie that tried to be Batman.
01:40Came out the year after.
01:41You know, you heard of Batman?
01:42Well, this is Dark Man.
01:44Even had Danny Elfman as the composer.
01:46They just switched out Tim Burton for Sam Raimi.
01:48And then switched out Batman for a scientist who creates lifelike masks out of synthetic faces.
01:53Gets his own face burned by mobsters.
01:55And then starts wearing the masks as disguises to impersonate and hunt down the bad guys.
01:59Meanwhile going mentally unstable.
02:01Okay, it's nothing like Batman.
02:03Dark Man is like a combination of all the classic horror villains.
02:07With his disfigured face, dark hat and trench coat.
02:09He looks just like Vincent Price's character in House of Wax.
02:12When he wears bandages, he looks like the Invisible Man.
02:15And he also has aspects of Phantom of the Opera.
02:18And when he's in his lair surrounded by lab equipment,
02:21he could be any mad scientist of the 30s.
02:23So basically, it's like if you combined a classic monster with a superhero,
02:28but in the style of Evil Dead 2.
02:30It's the transition between Raimi going from horror to Spider-Man.
02:34This is the missing link.
02:36Add in some bizarre humor, amazing practical effects,
02:39and Liam Neeson screaming at a carnival employee over a pink elephant.
02:44Now, the pink elephant, if you please.
02:47No way.
03:01Take it!
03:02No!
03:03Take it!
03:04Take the fucking elephant!
03:05Okay, this is one weird movie, but it's awesome.
03:08The movie came out in 1990, but the game came out in 91, which was 30 years ago.
03:13Wow, do I feel old?
03:15Well, check this out.
03:16My Simon's Quest review is now as old as the actual game was when I originally reviewed it.
03:23So, 17 years on one side, and 17 years on the other.
03:27Look, some dorks online even did the math.
03:30There's other dates listed too, because Simon's Quest had a Japanese and US release,
03:35and the original nerd episodes were on VHS tape, not YouTube.
03:39But all this is way too nerdy, even for me.
03:42Regardless, I'm old as shit, and so is this shitty game.
03:46So how does Darkman stack up on the NES?
03:48Well, let's pop this fucker in and find out.
03:51Well, the first thing I want to say about this game is actually a positive.
03:59It's got a kickin' soundtrack.
04:01It thumps that bass so hard.
04:03It sounds awesome!
04:05Also, Darkman looks great on the main screen, and the selection pointer is his burned and bandaged hand.
04:19Nice touch.
04:20And it's one of the few movie-based games on the NES to do a good job following the story.
04:26So far, this game's not too be- and now we're fucked.
04:32Fuck?
04:35Um, fuck?
04:37Fuck.
04:42Fuck!
04:46Fuck!
04:51Oh, fuck!
04:56Fuck!
04:59Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me!
05:03What am I doing wrong?
05:04The controls feel like hell inside an ass!
05:07Seriously, I don't feel like any death I get is justified.
05:11If I were playing like shit, that'd be fine,
05:13but when the game just refuses to do what the controller tells it to,
05:16that's goddamn dingo dingleberries!
05:19That's shit caked in the ass fur of an Australian predator dog!
05:23It's beyond frustrating, because you never know how to approach a new situation.
05:28The game changes the rules on the fly and gives you barely a second to react,
05:33so you almost always end up killing yourself in some stupid fucking way.
05:37I mean, should I run and jump? Or should I jump from a standstill?
05:40And how do I keep falling through the platforms?
05:44Punching and kicking enemies is a crapshoot.
05:46I try to run up behind them and beat them down, but my punches don't always land.
05:50It looks like I'm constantly giving the enemies a thumbs up.
05:54Hey! Good job, dude!
05:56Sometimes I win, sometimes I don't, with no clear rhyme or reason.
06:00So I watched the demo, and it's like the demo from The Wizard of Oz on Super Nintendo,
06:05where not even the game can beat one of its own levels. Pathetic.
06:10There does seem to be a lot of variety in the gameplay, at least.
06:13It has platforming, weird swinging levels, elevator mazes, and you get to play as different characters with different abilities.
06:20But sadly, a variety of shit is still just a bunch of different turds hanging out together.
06:26Kinda like taking a dump the morning after you just binged at a truck stop buffet.
06:30Yeah, there was variety, but you spent most of the day on a toilet and it left your ass itchy and raw.
06:39You know, I'm getting shitty game flashbacks.
06:42I feel like I've played this game before.
06:44But I haven't.
06:46Oh, I know! Robocop 2 on the NES!
06:49It reminds me of that!
06:50Wonder what it could be.
06:51Maybe it's the similar sprite designs?
06:53Or the almost identical level design between the games?
06:56Or maybe it's the sickening color palette that looks like a festering mass of boogers and barf.
07:01Or maybe the real reason is because the same five fuckers developed both games.
07:06Yeah, no joke.
07:07The same five people made Robocop 2 and Darkman on NES.
07:11I don't know if I should find that impressive or just...
07:14I'm learning to live with a lot of things.
07:24Like shitty games.
07:26What the hell is this shit?
07:28What the- what is happening right now?
07:30I heard you were playing Darkman for the NES, developed by the same people as Robocop 2.
07:36So I am the Robo-Darkman nerd.
07:39Get it?
07:40No, this is just a regular review.
07:42There's no skits or anything.
07:44So get back in that fucking corner and fuck the fuck off!
07:49You fuck!
07:57Well, that was unnecessary, yet oddly relevant, because Darkman basically ripped off Robocop for most of the movie.
08:03I said it was based on Batman, but I'm wrong.
08:05Darkman is more like Robocop than anything else.
08:08No wonder the same game designers worked both shitty games.
08:12When you get a game over, Darkman cries like a baby, and then types out the high scores with his one weird finger.
08:18Darkman really needs to get a copy of Mavis Beacon Teaches Typing.
08:22The levels are pretty short, but the finicky controls and terrible physics help pad them out with cheap deaths.
08:28You can balance on tightropes, which is actually kind of a neat mechanic.
08:33You have to tap A and B to keep your balance, but watch out for the big red bubbles because they'll kill you in one hit.
08:39Yeah, just like in the movie, Darkman's one weakness was red sewer bubbles.
08:44Nah, that wasn't a thing.
08:46You reach the end, do a cool cape swoop, and then it's on to the next one.
08:50Level two is this maze of elevators.
08:53The first time you play this, I guarantee you will die.
08:56Wow, this is exactly what I wanted to play.
08:59Isn't this fucking fun?
09:01I mean, who fucking wants this?
09:03This is a beginner's trap.
09:05The only way to get through it is to do it over and over again until you learn exactly which direction you need to push.
09:11If you did this on your first try, it's blind luck.
09:14I mean, this shouldn't be part of the game.
09:16They might as well just throw in a shitty slide puzzle.
09:19Basically, the elevator moves and you have to guide it down the right path.
09:22And yeah, I know there's big arrows telling you where to go, but it happens too fast.
09:27Sadly, this is just a warm-up, because the real elevators come later in the game and get way, way faster.
09:35Between levels, you have these Hogan's Alley-style shooter stages,
09:39where you need to take a picture of a certain henchman to make a mask of them.
09:43The first mask you have to get is Pauly.
09:45All these people are shooting at you, which can be pretty intimidating,
09:48but all you have to do is not point your camera at them and they can't hit you.
09:52Just like in real life.
09:53I don't know if you knew this, but if you ever happen to be in a situation
09:56where an entire town of people are trying to shoot at you,
09:59just whip out a camera and point it away from them and they'll all miss you.
10:03And this time I'm kidding!
10:05So after you take the photos, you play the next level as Pauly,
10:09who looks like Uncle Fester in a pink sweater swinging around a fucking caveman club.
10:13And this is one of the parts in the game that's just shits for the birds.
10:17First off, you're fighting your way through Central Park.
10:20Never mind the fact that it's riddled with bottomless pits, soldiers, buzz saws,
10:24and murderous pink fish that kill you in one hit.
10:26My real question is, why the fuck are we in Central Park?
10:30Darkman takes place in Los Angeles and was filmed on location there, plus Canada.
10:35Did Darkman get on a fucking plane and fly across the country just for this?
10:39This is like the background in violence fight!
10:41Why are there so many video games that confuse New York for LA?
10:45Whatever.
10:46This level's more of the same platforming.
10:48Pauly's slow and his club fucking sucks.
10:51I get my ass kicked by these Central Park soldiers all the time.
10:56The next part is an infuriating climb to the top of the level.
10:59I'm constantly whiffing jumps or just getting my shit kicked in.
11:03Eventually, you square off with Pauly.
11:05He just walks toward you while you beat the ever-loving shit out of him with a club.
11:09That's it!
11:10It's possibly one of the most pitiful boss fights I've ever seen in a game.
11:14Also in the movie, Darkman didn't bludgeon Pauly to death in Central Park.
11:19Pauly was thrown out the window of his apartment.
11:21The game takes certain liberties once in a while, like putting the climactic helicopter chase scene in the middle of the game.
11:27It's the best action scene in the movie.
11:29Darkman's hanging from the helicopter, the grenade launcher's shooting at him, everything's exploding!
11:34But in the game, however, Darkman swings through traffic, avoiding trucks and buses.
11:39Also, there must be a motorcycle rally going on because you pass a bunch of bikers.
11:43You can collect coins and stuff, but I find it easier to just stay up at the top.
11:47Nothing really hits you there except for these stupid fucking pigeons.
11:51I'm pretty sure that if a bird hit Darkman while swinging through the streets at high speeds from a helicopter, it'd get obliterated.
11:58But it flies through you like nothing!
12:00I should also mention, after the first photoshoot level, you never play as regular Darkman again.
12:05Instead, you just play as different henchmen now.
12:08First you're Pauly, now you're Skip.
12:10He's the one with the prosthetic leg machine gun.
12:12Yeah, seriously, if you haven't seen the movie, watch it.
12:15Skip hops around constantly and has his leg gun.
12:18Wow, it's great to have this leg gun, because now you have a long-range attack.
12:22Oh, but every time you fire it, you get sent back, and usually over a fucking cliff.
12:27His levels all take place at a carnival filled with evil clowns throwing bowling balls and pies.
12:32Also, whatever you do, don't touch the fucking clowns.
12:37Let me ask you something. Have you ever touched a clown in real life?
12:41I mean, seriously, have you ever touched a clown in real life?
12:44Of course you haven't. Because you'd be dead.
12:48Once at a birthday party, a friend of mine, he ran up to the clown after the magic act, went to hug him.
12:54He died. Right on the spot.
12:58Another thing in this level that makes me want to give myself a Tabasco enema are these platforms that reverse your controls.
13:08The first time I landed on it, I hopped right off the cliff and died without knowing what the hell happened.
13:14Also, this is the level where I realized you have limited continues, because the game booted my ass back to the start and wouldn't let me select continue anymore.
13:23So I had to run through the warehouse again, take the pictures, bludgeon Paulie in Central Park, and swing from the helicopter all over again.
13:33Just to die in the same exact motherfucking way on my last life again.
13:39Yeah, each time I restart, I die on the very next obstacle.
13:43So it's always one step forward and like ten steps back into a pile of dog shit.
13:48Thankfully, if you enter Dermy into the hidden password screen, it lets you select your level.
13:55I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be Dermis, you know, like skin.
13:59But here it's Dermy.
14:01Yeah, I don't know.
14:02Eventually, I got used to each level and got through the funhouse and killed Skip.
14:07Which is kind of weird because Skip is the only bad guy to have his death scene cut from the final movie.
14:13If it was anything like in the game, I can see why it was cut.
14:17It's on to the next henchman, Smiley.
14:20Smiley is probably the best because he actually has a decent jump.
14:25You run around fighting ninjas, and then you kick the shit out of the real Smiley, and then you're on to another helicopter level.
14:32So now we're finally at the end, and this is where Darkman wears the face of Durant, who's the main villain.
14:38Oh wait, Durant isn't the main bad guy?
14:40It's this corporate asshole named Strack?
14:43It's like Robocop, where the main henchman is more well known than the actual final bad guy.
14:48In fact, Durant dies in a helicopter crash in the movie, but somehow returns for the sequel Darkman 2 The Return of Durant.
14:55That would be like Robocop 2 The Return of Clarence Boddicker.
14:59Doesn't make any sense!
15:00Construction workers throw hammers, but luckily you have a gun that shoots.
15:05Well, yeah, it shoots these.
15:08Oh, and there's also two elevator mazes. Two!
15:12And they're definitely the worst ones so far!
15:15They have branching paths that move so fast that I can't even begin to get a rhythm down.
15:21I replayed each one about ten times before I was able to figure out the right way.
15:25Made me want to finger fuck a garbage disposal.
15:28By the time I hit the final level, I shared Liam Neeson's deep-seated hatred for Durant and needed to end his life to move on with mine.
15:38Durant then served me my ass on a platter again and a fucking again.
15:43Getting to Durant sucks as it is, but when you fight him, one wrong move, and Durant gently nudges you to your death.
15:50Fuck you, Durant! You're gonna die! You took my face! You took my life! Yeah! Fuck yeah! Durant's dead!
16:00The movie ends with a cameo of Bruce Campbell.
16:06Totally unexpected, kind of an in-joke, but man, it leaves off on a great note.
16:10They could have had that in the game, just an 8-bit face of Bruce smirking at you.
16:14But no, instead you get a shitty text screen.
16:17Well played.
16:19Well played?
16:21If you say so, I died only a million times.
16:24If you say falling through platforms, dying on elevator mazes, dropping to my doom like I have lead weights up my ass,
16:30and having button mashing thumbs up battles was all smooth and well played, then yeah, um, sure.
16:37He must forever walk in the shadow of the Darkman.
16:40As if his shadow is any darker because he's Darkman.
16:43Or maybe it's a reference to the Shadow, the detective character from the 30s,
16:47which Sam Raimi supposedly wanted to make a film of, but couldn't get the rights.
16:51So, maybe it would be more accurate to say Darkman walks in the shadow of the Shadow.
16:56Or it literally means to walk in his own shadow.
16:59You ever tried to walk in your own shadow?
17:01It's not easy.
17:02The fucker keeps moving all the time.
17:04And to do it forever?
17:05You know, chasing the sun around the Earth, avoiding clouds, and never sleeping or eating?
17:10I'd rather try that than play any more of this fucking piece of shit!
17:14Fuck this game!
17:15Watch it go!
17:26Yeah!
17:27The Pink Elephant, please!
17:29I'm sorry, buddy.
17:30It don't count unless you're behind the line.
17:33But I was behind the line.
17:34Not hardly.
17:36I was sitting right here on the couch.
17:39Now, the Pink Elephant, if you please.
17:43No way!
17:44I want the Pink Elephant for the fans watching!
17:55Why don't you just, uh, get lost, pal?
17:59I want it.
18:00No way!
18:01Wow!
18:02Oh, that was so cool!
18:03Wow!
18:04Ah!
18:05Ah!
18:06Ah!
18:07Ah!
18:08Ah!
18:09Ah!
18:11Ah!
18:12Ah!
18:13Ah!
18:14Ah!
18:15Ah!
18:16Ah!
18:17Ah!
18:18Ah!
18:19Ah!
18:20Ah!
18:21Ah!
18:22Ah!
18:23Ah!
18:24Ah!
18:25¡SUSCRÍBETA!
18:27¡Ahhh!
18:27¡Ahhh!
18:29¡Ahhh!
18:33¡Take the elephant!
18:34¡Take the fucking elephant!
18:36¡Take the fucking elephant!
18:41¡Forgive me!
18:55Gracias por ver el video.