00:00Star Wars video games come in almost every genre.
00:25First-person shooters, 2D platformers, 3D platformers, first-person shooters mixed with 3D platforming,
00:31action-adventure, racing, flight simulators, even vehicular combat.
00:36However, one genre seems to be almost non-existent.
00:40Fighting games.
00:41It's a no-brainer. Star Wars has such a huge cast of characters, they can make an awesome fighting game like Mortal Kombat or Street Fighter.
00:48So, where are they?
00:50Well, I found a few.
00:52Some games featured fighting modes as a bonus. On the Wii, there were Star Wars lightsaber battles, which was a one-on-one fighter,
00:58but that came out in 2008, which was much later than the fighting game craze.
01:03Yoda and Darth Vader were also playable characters in Soul Calibur, which makes no sense.
01:08But we're talking real fighters. Why didn't Star Wars do that?
01:12The answer is they did.
01:15And they fucked it up.
01:16Star Wars Master of Terres... Terres Kase... Terres... Tetris Crazy? Terres Kase?
01:24Why don't you just call it Star Wars Tournament Fighter? It worked for Ninja Turtles and Full House. That was a good one.
01:30So the game starts in usual Star Wars fashion with the text crawling in space.
01:38Wait.
01:39A Master of Terres Kasei?
01:41I thought the game was called Masters of Terres Kasei.
01:45Not even the game can say its own title.
01:47After the stunning defeat and the loss of the Death Star handed to the Galactic Empire,
01:52the Emperor demands drastic measures for a swift retribution against the Rebel Alliance.
01:56The Emperor calls upon the services of a mysterious young woman, Arden Lin,
02:01wise in the ways of an ancient and almost forgotten fighting art known as Terres Kasei.
02:06Okay, so what is Terres Kasei?
02:08It's gotta be one of those expanded universe type of things.
02:11So, what do we do when we need to look up something in Star Wars?
02:14The Star Wars Encyclopedia.
02:16What?
02:18Jizz?
02:19A popular style of freeform wailing music?
02:28Jizz.
02:29Yeah.
02:30There is jizz in this book.
02:34Jizz Whaler?
02:37A musician who plays a fast contemporary and upbeat style of music.
02:41Jizz Whaler.
02:42It's in Star Wars.
02:45Anyway, Terres Kasei.
02:47A form of hand-to-hand combat roughly translated into steel hands that is taught in the Picanth Reach.
02:53So, let me get this straight.
02:55The Death Star blows up and the Emperor's backup plan is to replace a space station with enough firepower to destroy a planet with someone who can fight with their bare hands.
03:06Sorry, steel hands, which is basically the same idea as Tekken, which means Iron Fist in Japan.
03:12Alright, I guess I'll pick Arden Lin since she's the only one I know who's a master of Terres Kasei.
03:18Alright, get ready to eat my fist!
03:20What? I thought this was gonna be hand-to-hand combat!
03:24What's this Bantha shit?
03:26Luke has his lightsaber, Han has a gun, Leia has a stick thing.
03:30They all have fucking weapons!
03:32Except Arden Lin!
03:34I don't get it.
03:35What's the point of wanting to be a master of steel fists if everyone's just gonna use blasters and shit?
03:40It makes no sense.
03:41Also, how are half of these people supposed to go up against a lightsaber?
03:45Oh, never mind.
03:46The lightsabers in this game are useless.
03:48They're more like light batons.
03:50They don't cut through shit.
03:52Could you imagine if lightsabers were this ineffective in the movies?
03:56Picture Chewbacca running around the Death Star and then he bumps into Darth Vader.
04:00Vader ignites his lightsaber and goes for the killing blow, but then it bounces off him like a wiffle ball bat.
04:06So long, Vader.
04:14Let's see if the ancient fighting style of Terres Kasei can help me.
04:18Let's try some of these moves.
04:19We'll start with the Terres Kasei chain starter.
04:22Forward, forward, circle, triangle, square, triangle.
04:25What the fuck? It's not working!
04:28You gotta be shitting me.
04:29The odds of pulling off a special move are 3,720 to 1, but the computer will do it every single time.
04:36Fuck this, I'm trying a new character.
04:39Okay, we have the usual cast of characters here.
04:41Luke, Leia, Han, Chewie.
04:43There's even a Gamorrean guard named Thok.
04:46That's a stupid name.
04:47Oh, look.
04:48A Tusken Raider.
04:49Wonder what this guy's name is.
04:53Whore?
04:54Whore?
04:55Really?
04:56Whore?
04:57Suddenly names like Jar Jar Binks and Plo Kloon sound awesome!
05:01Fucking whore.
05:02I can come up with a better character.
05:04How about an Ithorian with a chainsaw named Fox?
05:09What more can I say about this game?
05:11It's awful.
05:12The premise is dumb.
05:13The controls are slow and rarely work.
05:15The characters aren't balanced at all.
05:17Some are way stronger than others.
05:19Half the time I win because my enemy accidentally rolls off the stage.
05:23I swear I get more victories with ring outs than I do anything else.
05:27I can see why Star Wars doesn't bother with fighting games.
05:30Their first outing was an embarrassment.
05:32The combo system barely works and if you really try at it, you get the Kasai kicked out of your tear ass!
05:38I still think the idea of a Star Wars fighting game could have been great.
05:42But too bad they were just jerking off!
05:44Masters of Terras Kasai.
05:46More like Masturbators of Terras Kasai.
05:49So, after a lot of button mashing, luck, and hatred for myself, I get to the final boss.
05:55Darth Vader.
05:56And let me tell you, this motherfucker makes Shang Tsung and M. Bison look like pussies.
06:00His moves are overpowered and he just fucks you up.
06:08Oh, but we can't end this way. I gotta win!
06:11To beat Darth Vader, I have to take some extreme measures.
06:14I have to go back to the past.
06:26How do you like that shit, Anakin?
06:28Die! Die!
06:30Die!
06:31No!
06:32No!
06:33No!
06:34No!
06:39You win!
06:41I know that's cheap.
06:43But so is this Masters of Terras Kasai game.
06:46You know, it can't get any worse than that.
06:48Y-
06:49Oh, a package from Disney and Lucasfilm.
06:54A special edition?
06:56What did they change?
06:58They pointlessly shoved characters from later movies into the game.
07:01Now you can play as Kylo Ren and BB-8.
07:04They made changes to the locations, too.
07:06Now, when you play on Tatooine, the ring is surrounded by Banthas.
07:10On Hoth, a Wampa takes up the whole screen and roars while you're trying to fight.
07:15Remember fighting in the Rancor Pit?
07:17Well, now, half the screen is cut off so you can see the Max Rebo Band playing in the palace.
07:22Huh, that's weird.
07:24I'm trying to play as Han Solo, but it isn't letting me do any attacks.
07:28Oh, I get it.
07:29Now, when you play as Han, you can only defend yourself after getting hit first.
07:33Now, every explosion in the game has an added shockwave.
07:37Before, when you unlock the Stormtrooper, he was just called Stormtrooper.
07:42Now, he has a full name.
07:44Davin Felth.
07:45They changed Boba Fett's voice to the actor who played Jango Fett.
07:49Oy crikey!
07:51And at last, when Darth Vader falls out the ring, he makes a sound.
07:55Yeah, well, if they actually made that game, it would be better than the real version.
08:03The real version, it's so bad, it tainted the legacy of LucasArts.
08:08And it tainted my soul!
08:14What?
08:15What?
08:16Why is it just bouncing off?
08:19Woof!
08:22u entreket
08:24...
08:27toothache
08:29...
08:33...
08:34...
08:35...
08:36...
08:37...
08:38...
08:40...
08:43...
08:45Gracias.
