00:00Previously on the Angry Video Game Nerd
00:30I gave you the money
00:34Now give me back my son
00:36You fuck
00:38Resistance is futile
00:43And now, the conclusion
00:48Sonic 06 was the game everybody and their grandma wanted me to review
00:56So I did
00:57But there's more to it
00:59I only half-assed it
01:00So why not go whole ass?
01:02Which is the opposite of asshole
01:04The torture continues
01:06But the torture is all mine
01:08So first off, I figured out how to beat Silver and kick the shit out of him
01:12Once you learn his pattern, he's pretty easy
01:14Just wait for him to try to launch the furniture at you
01:17And homing fuck him in the face until he's dead
01:20Finally, we get to the cutscene
01:22Silver's shithog throws Sonic back as he makes a stupid face and hits a wall
01:26Oh, and of course, the princess gets kidnapped again
01:29Only seconds after saving her
01:32If she's just gonna get captured again, I might as well let Eggman keep her so I wouldn't have to deal with all this bullshit
01:38Now Sonic has to go fight Eggman at his base, the white Acrapolis
01:42So now I run around aimlessly once again until I finally hit that magic area that lets me progress in the story
01:48There's no clear designation of where to go
01:50I swear the game just wants you to run around aimlessly until it DECIDES you can progress
01:56I hate this goddamn town
01:58The droning music and robotic people freak the shit out of me
02:02I mean, look at this
02:03Why are there no guardrails?
02:05If Sonic falls, he dies
02:07What happens if a normal person falls in there?
02:09That's unsafe, goddamnit
02:11And right here, if Sonic stands on the curb a certain way, he splits reality into two alternate dimensions existing in the same space and time
02:20The visuals in this game give me a headache
02:22Every time Sonic runs up or down a curb, the screen jitters
02:26And it's not subtle either, the camera jerks down or up
02:29So anyway, once you find the portal to the next level or act mission
02:33You're treated to a totally rad snowboard level with some of the worst controls imaginable
02:38Leave it to this game to make a snowboarding level suck
02:42This should be one of the high points in the game
02:44But of course, it's a warm, frothy mug of chocolate shit shake
02:48Half the time I can't go anywhere or I go in the completely wrong direction
02:52Beat the act mission and Dr. Robot Eggman sends you into the future
02:57You get another cutscene and Shadow the Hedgehog tells you that on August 29, 1997
03:02Eggman creates Skynet and the world nukes itself giving way for the machine war
03:06Unless Tails gives birth to John Connor
03:09Nah, that doesn't happen, but basically it's a machine war and time travel
03:13Why do you need that in a Sonic game?
03:15Whatever happened to just saving animals from becoming robots?
03:19Telekinesis, time travel, treasure hunting, bat tits, human princess and hedgehog romance
03:25This game just feels like it was never meant to be a Sonic game
03:28I'm sorry to repeat myself, but sweet mercy, these loading screens are fucking shit
03:35And what's worse is after it loads, you're still playing Sonic 06
03:40Between the levels taking forever and the sheer amount of loading screens you see
03:44This game is just stealing your life away
03:47You're stuck playing the game, but time is moving on
03:50People are getting older, friends come and go
03:52New music is starting to sound like shit to you
03:54I see two squirrels fucking outside my basement window
03:57Oh, now there's a new baby squirrel already
03:59I could have spent all this time watching that documentary about left-handed mattress makers
04:03And you could have had a better hobby like running around the woods sniffing wolves assholes
04:08Could you imagine getting close enough to a wolf to sniff its asshole?
04:13It's asshole! Let's play the fucking game
04:15Every level from here on out gets more and more frustrating
04:18The platform jumping in the lava level is some of the worst
04:22I like how when Sonic dies he just casually lays down on the lava
04:27All this Sonic 06 has got me beat
04:35Next you fight Ibliss or Ibliss, the prickly lava dick from hell
04:39He's easy, but you'll be fighting the camera just as much
04:42Hit him a few times, loading screen, cut scene, rinse and repeat
04:47So once again we're back here, running around for another half an hour
04:51Radical train, dude! Yeah!
04:54And what exactly makes this train so radical?
04:57I don't fucking know, it looks like a regular train
05:00Next time I have to travel, I'm gonna take the radical train
05:03On second thought, I should've carpooled
05:10Beat the rest a level, and you once again save the princess
05:13Only to have her immediately stolen back by Eggman
05:16And then saved again by Sonic within a matter of minutes
05:19Next, on to another cutscene filled with awkward sexual tension between a cartoon hedgehog and a human princess
05:26And look, Sonic even gives her the bedroom eyes
05:36Ugh, 20 loading screens and another creepy cutscene later, and guess what?
05:41The princess gets captured!
05:43Again!
05:44This time she just turns herself over to Eggman
05:47A big fuck you to all your hard work
05:50So now you play as Tails for some reason, which is annoying
05:54He's slower than shit coming out of Sloth
05:56And the sound of his tail spinning is maddening!
05:59Seriously!
06:00Listen to this sound repeatedly for a half hour
06:03Ah!
06:04Ah!
06:05Ah!
06:06Ah!
06:07Ah!
06:08Ah!
06:09Ah!
06:10Ah!
06:15Ah!
06:16Ah!
06:17Now, we're on to the real motherist of fucks
06:20We're nearing the end of the game, but these last two levels are worse than anything up to this point
06:25It starts with three trials to make it to the ancient castle
06:28The first is the trial of knowledge
06:31This will test your mind, more like it'll test my fucking patience
06:34The whole point is to take the correct portals to get to the end
06:37Nothing but trial and error, just keep picking different portals until you get out
06:41It sucks
06:43The trial of courage is next, and it's a real heap of hog waste
06:46This is definitely the worst of the three trials
06:48Because you have to beat a bunch of enemies without any rings
06:52Make one mistake, and you're dead
06:55Last is the trial of love
06:58Pick either Amy or the princess
07:00It makes no difference either way
07:02After the final trial, you get to ride an eagle up to the next level
07:06As it shits mid-flight
07:08Get ready for this, you better buckle up your shit belt
07:10Because this game is about to get turned up to 11 on the dick turd scale
07:13This level takes forever, and if you get a game over, you have to do all these trials again
07:19This level took me over an hour to beat, for real
07:22You get to play as Silver in this level, who for some reason doesn't want to kill you anymore
07:26He's okay because he has telekinesis, but he still controls like anal leakage
07:31But you should already expect that
07:33The engines are malfunctioning!
07:36She dies?
07:38Police!
07:40So, Sonic fails to save her, and then she dies!
07:43So even when you do save her, she either gets captured again or turns herself in
07:48Or fucking gets obliterated
07:50So, after you watch the princess get fucking destroyed, Sonic and Silver use their chaos emeralds to go back in time
07:58Really? So they can just go back in time?
08:01Well, why not go back in time and kill Eggman when he was a baby?
08:04How about go back in time and stop this game from being made?
08:07Anyway, so you run around town, you ring three bells, you open the final level, which is the aquatic base
08:13Alright, here it is, the final act mission
08:17By now, you've adjusted yourself to the crap factor, and it's not that the game is any easier
08:22It's just that you know how to approach its shittiness after wasting hours of your life
08:27That is until I reach, by far, the most son-of-a-bitchiness obstacle in the entire game
08:32The giant steel ball
08:34This thing flies all over the damn place with just a slight touch of the joystick
08:38If the ball touches the laser, you fall to your death
08:41I'm losing all my fucking lives here
08:44Fuck!
08:46Fuck!
08:48Alright, we're almost done, we're almost done, just, just focus, just focus
08:52We're almost done, we're almost done
08:55Whew
09:06Yeah!
09:07I'm almost there, I can feel it
09:09I reach this room that looks like a goddamn Virtual Boy game
09:12Except you'd actually rather play the Virtual Boy than this garbage
09:15Run through the windows, kill the remaining robots, and you reach the end of the stage
09:19So after three more cutscenes and three more loading screens, it's time, the final showdown between you and Eggman
09:26The fight is frustrating as all hell, every time he attacks, the camera moves, which changes the control directions
09:34If you're not ready for it, you can fly off the platform
09:37The only way to attack is to wait for him to fly at you, then grab onto the horn, and crash him into the falling bombs
09:44After you get three hits, his canopy opens, and you can attack him by homing into his face
09:49Alright, here we go, I got him!
09:52Final shot!
09:53Here we go!
09:54Damn, if that isn't the sweetest loading screen ever
09:59That's right, give me that motherfuckin' S rank
10:02So on to the final cutscene
10:04Sonic carries the princess out of the flaming wreckage of Eggman's ship
10:08The two share another sappy moment
10:10And then, like a vision of true beauty, the ending credits
10:16Thank God
10:17Sonic 06 is over
10:19Oh, I can move on with my life
10:23Except
10:24There's a bunch of extra side episodes that are essential to the plot
10:28Uhhh
10:30Seriously, the last thing I wanna do after beating Sonic 06
10:34Is play more fuckin' Sonic 06
10:36I'd rather rip every individual pube out of my scrotum with salad tongs than play this anymore
10:42How did this happen?
10:43Beat these episodes, and you get the final one, which is the most frustrating
10:47First off, Sonic dies
10:49Yep, Sonic dies
10:51So everyone has to scramble to get the seven Dragon Balls
10:55I mean, Chaos Emeralds to save his life
10:57If you have the patience, you can collect them all, and put this shit to rest
11:01The princess uses the emeralds to wake up Sonic, and, and, uh, what?
11:07What?
11:12Wow!
11:13Can't say I've ever seen that before
11:15Well, Sonic 06, it's all done
11:19Just to think, all the hours spent, all that time, all that torture, and now, it's all over?
11:26It's all over?
11:27Yeah!
11:28Ha ha ha!
11:29Ha!
11:30Ha!
11:31Yeah, you like-
11:32Ah!
11:33Ah!
11:34Yeah!
11:35Give it to me!
11:36Ah!
11:37Ah!
11:38Ah!
11:39Yeah!
11:40You liked them!
11:41Ah!
11:42Ah!
11:43Ah!
11:44Yeah!
11:45Ah!
11:46Ah!
11:47Oh, I liked when I give you those bedroom eyes from-
11:48Ah!
11:49Yeah!
11:50¡Ah!
11:51¡Ah!
