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00:00All right, let me break it down for you. So, before my accident, I was a very sensual, sexual,
00:06loving being, and I'm still that person. And when I got injured, of course, the first thing on my
00:12mind was, oh my God, can I still have sex? I don't even think my friends have asked me,
00:18what can you feel? You know, because it's something that they're scared to ask. So,
00:22yes, sex is amazing. I just, I am just the kind of person who just loves sex.
00:30I am just the kind of person who just loves sex. So,
00:59well, I was hurt in a car accident when I was two years old with my mom and my brother,
01:05and I had a spinal cord injury, which left me paralyzed from the C-72 level, which is about
01:13here, so chest down. I was a passenger in a drunk driving accident my senior year of high school.
01:22We hit a tree head on, and my back snapped in half, and I became a paraplegic.
01:26So, I'm that woman that runs around doing five to six things at once,
01:30and my life was practically perfect. I was engaged. I bought my house, or we bought the house,
01:38and I was on my way to modeling and acting and everything, and at the age of 26, I got into a
01:45horrific car accident, and I broke my neck. I was thrown out of the car, and I became my,
01:51they classify me as a C-4, C-5, quadriplegic complete.
01:55I don't remember anything from the accident or really anything right after, which I always say
02:18was kind of a blessing, because I don't have this reference point of what my life was before that,
02:24so I don't compare it. So, like, this is just my normal. This is what I do.
02:28And, um, and then I grew up, my brother also, um, was injured in the car accident.
02:34He had a traumatic brain injury, so both of us grew up with disabilities,
02:38and I think that really influenced how I felt about myself,
02:42and I went through a long period of time, like, trying to figure out how to accept and,
02:48and feel, like, confident in my skin, but having my brother there, uh, I think really helped me,
02:55because I didn't feel alone in being disabled.
02:58When you go through that kind of stuff, when you go through traumatic situations like that,
03:03it does something to the soul. It just makes you more resilient. It makes you stronger,
03:07stronger, and so for me, just knowing that, spiritually, I knew how strong my soul was.
03:14And so when I got paralyzed, being paralyzed was nothing. The fact that I was just alive,
03:21that meant everything to me. Yes, I was now in a paralyzed body. Yes, I wasn't going to be able
03:26to race a motorcycle or do a Muay Thai kick and kick that bag, but the fact that I still had
03:31another chance, another opportunity to live, that's all that I focused on.
03:35Let's jump right into it. So at any point, did you ever feel like, man, I am so screwed as far
03:43as getting a relationship? Yeah, I had no idea that people with a disability could have a relationship
03:53or fall in love. I never thought my type of guy would ever fall in love with a girl like me with
04:01a disability because I never have seen someone date someone in a wheelchair. So I had no idea
04:08what to expect, along with probably the person I dated had no idea what to expect either.
04:13So is this your first relationship? Since my chair? Yeah. No. Okay. So let's talk about your
04:25first relationship. Oh, jeez. I'm just kidding. Well, you don't even have to go into details about
04:30the person or anything like that. I just want to know... Let's talk about the person.
04:34What I would like to know is what kind of like emotional trust did it take to let someone into
04:45this new body that you have, you know? Yeah. When I first dated after my accident,
04:52it's really scary to basically, to be honest, to re-explore my own body and, you know, whether
05:00it's in a chair or out of my chair and to have to put trust into the other guy, um, it's very,
05:10it makes you feel way more vulnerable than you could ever expect. Talk about like what that means
05:16to you, what that does to your heart and soul, you know? Yeah. It's, it's an amazing feeling to
05:21have someone love you for who you are with and without clothes, to be honest. Um, when you're
05:27in your most vulnerable state of mind, you know, and I never thought that someone could ever love me
05:34the way I am. Um, and despite something I can't feel or can't move or can't like work, um, you know,
05:43and even little things like having to schedule bathroom stuff, you know, it's to be in a relationship
05:48with someone you're with a disability. I feel it's a whole nother type of love, you know?
05:56We'll go deeper into that. What, what, like, what do you mean by kind of type of love?
06:00It's a type of love that honestly, able bodies, when they're together, you don't have that,
06:08that conversation starter, you know? Um, with us, it was like, what? Oh God, no, we're not going to go
06:16there. We're not going to go there. Um, Oh my God, no, we're not going to go there.
06:21That's what you were talking about. I wasn't talking about that. Nothing. Oh my God. Um,
06:28Are you talking about like you guys met online? No, no, no, no. But like what I'm talking about
06:33is like, if someone goes like, Oh, how do you do this? You know, like the first time he asked me,
06:39how do I go to the bathroom? I was like, I don't know. How do you go to the bathroom? Like,
06:41it's one of those things that like able bodies don't talk about where he needs to know. It was
06:47like our first or second time hanging out, like actually dating. Oh my God. I don't know. I'm
06:55really going to say this. Yeah. Yeah. And we were just sitting there talking. No, we were laying in
07:02bed. Okay. So we were laying in bed talking. Um, and just randomly one of the questions that
07:11came out, so how do you poop? Not missing a beat. She looks at me and goes, how do you poop?
07:19Oh my God. And that was the first time that we talked about our bowel movements. That's how it
07:31happened. Um, I was not sexually active in middle school. No, but I always had crushes. I was always
07:37on AIM, like talking to boys, which in middle school, like that was the thing, you know, and
07:44we had codes for like boys. Um, we gave them like fruit, like, and remember on AIM, you could
07:52do like your profile, like relationship status, and we'd put the fruit that we had a crush on,
07:57on the relationship status. So I was definitely not, I was definitely taking part in like all
08:06the flirtation. Um, but it wasn't until I got to high school. Okay. So when I was,
08:14I guess maybe a freshman in high school or sophomore, I had this huge crush on this boy named Pete and he did
08:27theater with me. And, um, I remember telling him I had a crush on him on AIM, which I think back to,
08:38and I'm like, that is so classic, like 2002 romance, just like, let me tell you how I feel on AIM.
08:51And, um, and then he, we were friends, but he sort of pushed away when I told him. And I had this
09:02idea in my head that I didn't, I had a lot of judgments on disability and people with disabilities
09:09when I was in high school. I didn't want to be angry. I felt like there were people with disabilities
09:14that were really angry. I didn't want to be that. And I didn't want to be pushy. I had this fear of
09:20like being a disabled girl who was pushy. And, uh, and so when I told him that I liked him, I was really
09:28nervous about him thinking that I was like being too forward. Um, and actually after I told him he
09:34like signed off, which I think it's just like classic teenage boy. I don't think it was because
09:40I was being pushy. Uh, but at the time I was so crushed. I was like, Oh God, he doesn't like me.
09:46You know, you go through the whole drama. He doesn't like me. And, uh, and then, uh, we did theater
09:53together. And after my, um, sophomore year of high school summer, he asked me out and we dated my
10:03junior and senior year. And that was like my first kiss. Um, and my first relationship. Um, I lost my
10:11virginity when I was 18. Um, so like the summer after my senior year. So like all of this felt so high
10:22stakes and the relationship was super physical, which I think I was sort of surprised at at the
10:30time that like, I was like, Oh, maybe because I have a physical disability, it wouldn't be that
10:36way. But it was, it was like, we actually didn't have as much of an emotional relationship as we
10:41had like a physical relationship. Like we used to make out every single time we were together,
10:46I would come home like covered in hickeys because it felt so good on my neck because it was like
10:52where I could feel. And, uh, my mom was like, Allie, no, you cannot, you can't have all these
10:59hickeys. It's not appropriate. And I'm sort of like, I don't care. I love this. And I loved Pete. I was
11:07like, I'm going to marry him. And he is my forever love. And that, you know, I think that that is,
11:16that's what the first time falling in love was like for me.
11:20So basically to shorten all that, what I was saying when I was with my ex and being in the body,
11:27I think it, what helped me is because he knew me before, before my accident. And so he already
11:32loved me unconditionally. And so it allowed me to really accept and come into my body. And I
11:40went within myself and I'm like, look, you're alive and this is it. And this is what you have.
11:47So you got to work with it. And it's funny because I think something clicked where I looked back in the
11:54past. I'm like, I sweated all that small stuff. I'm wanting to have the perfect body. And now here I
11:58am paralyzed and I have this body. I just got to love it. And I started embracing it. And so
12:04fortunately, because I was with him, it helped. But then the reason why I said there's other answers
12:10to this for me is because I've been with different individuals. So after I was not with my ex anymore,
12:16and I got with a new boyfriend, of course the insecurity sets in. Because now you're looking
12:22at other women that he could possibly be looking at. He's a young guy. He's going to look at the TNA.
12:28He's going to look at the hot girl walking by, whatever, but it's normal. So I think with my
12:33mentality, just because of my mature level of understanding, because I'm the first person
12:38that if I see someone sexy or gorgeous, I'm all about giving them props. Like I'm like, look at
12:43that girl. Oh my God, she's so beautiful. Oh my God, look at her body or look at that guy. He's a good
12:48looking guy. So I'm very secure in that sense. But when I did start dating my ex, I remember here it was,
12:56I had an atrophied body. I didn't have the muscles. I didn't have an ass or an arse. As I say it,
13:03I had the no acetal syndrome and atrophied breasts. They weren't like the way they were. I mean,
13:11I had nice breasts before, but you know, when you're a quad, like everything just atrophies your
13:16muscles, everything. And so I was just kind of like, oh, and so you, you want to make sure that
13:21you look beautiful and you look appealing and attractive to your love. So that was a huge thing.
13:27But I think it was, I just called it out. Like, look, this is it. I was like, this is my body.
13:32This is it. And you just have to basically compensate in other ways. Wow.
13:38Um, for me, when I first heard the words, you're paralyzed, I immediately was like, oh my God,
13:50am I going to be able to feel sex? And it was a scary part of this injury of figuring out what I
13:58can and cannot feel. And, you know, for me, I don't even think he's ever asked me like what exactly,
14:04he has, but I don't know. It's, I really think, yes, I can feel sex. Is it different? Yes. Are
14:14there parts that I cannot feel? Yes. Are there parts that I definitely feel? Yes. Um, but I also
14:21think part of sex is having that connection between the person that you're with. If you're just having
14:28sex to have sex, you're not going to orgasm. You're not going to feel what you might feel if
14:33you're having sex with someone that you're passionate about. And for me, like, I'm obviously
14:39very passionate about Jay and love him. And so yes, sex is amazing, you know? And do I enjoy having
14:46sex? Yes. Like even though, oh my God, even though I am in a chair and there are things that I cannot
14:54feel, I still enjoy it because I love him and I want to make him happy. And I want us to share that
15:01together, you know, and a lot of people, I don't even think my friends have asked me, what can you
15:06feel? You know, cause it's something that they're scared to ask. So, you know, a lot of people who
15:13have paralysis or have some sort of disability, everyone's different. You know, we may have high
15:19level injuries that can feel everything. And then there may be people that can't feel anything.
15:24I mean, I think that also just comes with how long you've been injured as well as the passion
15:31between the two people. Great answer. No, it's definitely, I mean, sex is something that people
15:39are afraid to talk about, but very interested in. And I, not that like I'm an expert or we're an expert,
15:47but definitely having that passion between the two helps the person that's in the chair,
15:53person living with a disability, but also like just having sex for the first time after becoming
15:59paralyzed or differently abled is very scary. You know, exploring that part of your body that you
16:07cannot feel is a very scary moment for a lot of people. And for me, you know, I was very scared
16:17to see what I could and could not feel. Um, but once you get past that, you learn a lot more about
16:26obviously paralysis, but also your body as well. So, so what's interesting for me is that I
16:40am the kind of lover who really, really wants to be emotionally connected and wants to please
16:51somebody else. It's way more vulnerable for me to like, think about what I want. And so that has
16:57been like a journey for me to be like, no, like what about the sensations literally that you want to feel?
17:05And for me, there's no finishing point. Why would I want to finish? I want to always be able to like
17:18move through different feelings. I also just don't have like a real relationship like with an orgasm.
17:24That's not really like where my body goes. And, um, I remember talking to Chelsea about this when we
17:35were like, Chelsea was probably like a year or two out from her injury. And so she was probably around
17:44like 20 and I was like 24. And she was like, Allie, like, I wish you could have experienced what sex
17:53feels like on the other side of it, like on like feeling your entire body. And I was like, huh,
17:59do I wish that I could have experienced that?
18:05I guess, but I love being so physically close to somebody that like I'm so satisfied. Something
18:17that is really amazing for me is like, because I can only move a part of my body to feel somebody
18:24else's body move like with, or like against my body makes me feel like I'm moving.
18:33And I love, I just didn't like really into any sensation. Like sensation turns me on.
18:39It's very interesting.
18:40Yeah, but like sensation turns me on, whatever that might be. Because when you live your whole
18:45life in a body like this, when you do hit sensation from anywhere, it's a surprise and a jolt in your body.
18:52And it's cool. It's like, Whoa, like, Oh my God, I'm feeling something.
18:59Also, um, something that would really hurt somebody else. So my injury is incomplete.
19:07So it's not like a hard line I can't feel, but something that would hurt, like be painful to
19:14somebody else is feels good to me. So it's like, I just need a little more force.
19:19Yeah. And, and I'll just say like, I, I never enter these like sexual experiences being like,
19:29okay, where's the checklist? What am I going to feel? And what am I not like that to me is not fun.
19:34And it's like, feels so in the box and I've never done things the way that anybody else has. So like,
19:40I'm always just like looking for new ways, which is kind of a fun way to approach sex.
19:47When we're talking about orgasms here, I'm going to break something down because
19:51we need to pull up some layers here. So I lost my virginity when I was 14 and I was already very
19:57in tune with my body because I grew up in Spain and I think I was like 10, 10 and a half or 11.
20:04And I, I, I would, nobody taught me about puberty and my menstrual and whatever. And, uh, I don't
20:12know, but Europeans are a little more ahead of their time with like sexual and just being very open.
20:18And so I remember, yeah, at 11, 10 or 11, they were way ahead of their time. Now that I'm remembering
20:25because people are already kissing French kissing. And then at 11, you're like, what you gave him a BJ?
20:32What? Like, yeah. And then at 12 to 13, I remember girls were like losing their virginity already.
20:39So I, what I was trying to say was that I already had read up about just the human body and
20:48just being open and, and everything. And I remember my girlfriend actually gave me this book. I remember
20:53the cover had these big hot pink lips and the title was basically how to make love to a man.
20:59And I remember reading it. And so at 14, I lost my virginity. And, uh, the reason why I'm talking
21:06about this is because even at, there's women out there that are like 30 years old and they never
21:12had an orgasm. So at 14, I was already very in tune with my body. So I was already very comfortable and I
21:19was very open. I could relax and I can have orgasms. And so I think that's really important because,
21:25because of that, because I was so in tune with my body before the accident, I think that's why now
21:32it's like effortless in a sense. Do you know? Because there's some girls that probably were injured
21:40very young and they probably didn't even lose their virginity until after their accident. So either
21:47they never really felt a real orgasm or they're not in tune with their body. They, they don't know
21:52what to base it off of. So at least at 14, all the way up until I was 26, I didn't have a problem with
22:02being comfortable and having multiple orgasms or orgasms or making myself orgasm or whatever. So
22:09after being paralyzed, I remember I actually, Oh my God, I'm actually remembering now that was a big
22:17thing that I did. That was one of the things that I was trying to reconnect with my body. When I laid
22:22there in the hospital that night, that was the first thing I thought of was I need to do my Kegel exercises.
22:28And I was like laying there paralyzed from the neck down. And I was like, okay, I'm just going to squeeze
22:33just if I can't feel it, I'm just going to squeeze down there and just keep squeezing and squeezing.
22:38And as I was meditating, I would like send this white light down into my body just to try to
22:42reconnect everything. Because if you're, if we take it to like Kundalini or just like Eastern
22:50beliefs of just your chakras and everything and getting all the energy in those areas just to wake
22:56the body up, I was just focusing on those areas to really reconnect and heal my body. And so it's funny,
23:03sometimes when I have spasms that are just intense, and I want to calm my body down or
23:08reconnect with my body, I'll just end up going to the Kegel muscle and just like,
23:14I remember, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, I'm going to say something. It's going to sound crazy.
23:20So I'm just going to put it out there. No filter whatsoever. So that was my big thing was
23:28how tight can you squeeze that Kegel muscle. So I don't know if you've been to Bangkok,
23:33you see them Thai women, they sit on them bottles, and they go up and the bottle is gone,
23:37they go back down, and then there's the bottle. But that was my thing was my muscles was really
23:44strong. So when I was paralyzed, that was my thing was like, I can't feel it. I can't move it. Oh my
23:52God, that's like my superpower. My superpower is gone. So I need to focus and get it back. And so that's
23:58when I would like, just sit there or lay there and try to focus on that. And I guess that
24:06I don't know that helped me reconnect back to my body in a sense, even though I wasn't moving it at
24:11that time. And I wasn't feeling it at that time. So yeah. After I divorced my ex, I jumped into the
24:19whole dating thing. And I mean, right after I jumped into a relationship, a two and a half year relationship
24:25with a very young guy. And when I was in that relationship, I thought, Oh, okay, this is cool.
24:31In a sense, because he's young. And maybe the reason why I'm with him is because I have to learn now
24:40how to teach someone. It allowed me, I think if I got with someone older, that was like,
24:46I'm not saying that all older men are set in their ways. But considering that my ex was young,
24:52he was 24 when I met him. And he was like an adventure, we were like, Alright, let's do this.
25:00Let's, you know, he's like, I've never been with a woman that's paralyzed. I was like, I don't expect
25:04you to have been with a woman with that's paralyzed. He's like, I don't know what to do. I was like,
25:08it's okay, don't worry, we'll, we'll, we'll, I'll help you out. Don't worry, I'll explain everything.
25:14And so after having that experience, and I loved him, he was a sweetheart, but he was just too young.
25:20And I wanted a family and everything. So I broke up. I went celibate for a year, I tried,
25:27it lasted for nine and a half months. And I started dating again. And
25:31like I said, I don't have a problem with meeting guys and starting to date guys. It was just a matter
25:40of finding a guy that was a man of his word, who was going to be there, if they said they were going
25:47to do something, they followed through. And there's a sense of understanding without having to speak
25:58that is required, at least for me and my sake, just so that there's that comfort, that comfort level.
26:05And then as of making love and dating and everything, I mean, it's just like anyone else.
26:10It doesn't, it's just, it's the energy. It's the chemistry. It's all about the energy.
26:15I see. So I want to piggyback on what you just said, because to me, I've always been loved
26:20unconditionally. That's what I received from my family. Oh, big time, big time. I was like,
26:29unconditionally loved. So I can recognize that. To me, it was finding the person who was going to be my
26:39partner and to be with me through all of the really, really amazing times and then through all the pain
26:50and the shit. And I want to say one other thing about learning to love yourself. I think it starts
26:58with acceptance. And some people are like, how can you accept something like this? How do you do that?
27:06Like, tell me how, because I would like to do it. I've been challenged before. Because I do talk about
27:11this kind of stuff when I do speaking gigs and I've spoken to, you know, groups of people with
27:16disabilities and they're like, that's bullshit. And to me, acceptance comes from a place of knowing
27:25that in the end, I'm going to be okay. That was given to me by my parents. So that's not something
27:36that I just found on my own. But I suggest to anyone to find your tribe, find your home team.
27:43It might not be your family. It might be friends who are going to assure you that you are going to be
27:50okay, exactly the way you are.
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