- 4 months ago
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00:00Why is Munty so dangerous?
00:03Ever since I got here, I've been punched, head-butted, pecked,
00:07forced to fight a giant.
00:09I need some protection.
00:11You should have been a warrior like I was.
00:13Great life.
00:14Well, don't become a stupid soothsayer.
00:17It's a complete waste of time.
00:19Do you know how many customers I've got?
00:21None.
00:22I had one regular one, but she's gone.
00:24What happened to her?
00:25I predicted she'd go on a long journey.
00:28And?
00:28She fell off a cliff.
00:31Onto a boat.
00:32She's probably halfway to Vodkoff by now.
00:35I'll tell you how to protect yourself, Brian.
00:37I am, after all, well acquainted with the martial arts of the horse people.
00:41I'll show you.
00:44Stand like this.
00:49Ow!
00:50Grunt.
00:52Oh.
00:52Brilliant.
00:54And then while they're all laughing, you peg it.
00:55What do you reckon, Brian?
01:00Fancy a game of darts?
01:02Just like you said.
01:05Seventeen's missing.
01:06Ah.
01:07That explains why it goes up to 21.
01:09Eh.
01:10Here I am, Brian.
01:11Show us how you beat that bloke.
01:14Phil Taylor.
01:23Oh, it's a bit of rust.
01:25That's just what we need round here.
01:27A bit of fun.
01:28Brian said that the players walk round with nicknames on the back of the shirts.
01:31What's yours again, Bray?
01:34Er, Brian the Dream Weaver.
01:42What's that?
01:43Eleven?
01:44Yeah.
01:44Happy with that.
01:46Greetings!
01:47Whoa!
01:48Hey.
01:48Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
01:48No bringing in your own food.
01:50This isn't food, Herman.
01:52This is business.
01:54An extremely rare sorus egg.
01:58And I've got a buyer.
01:59All lined up.
02:01Just need to keep it nice and cold.
02:04Do us a favour and stick it in your cellar.
02:05Stolen, is it?
02:07Harvested.
02:08Steg.
02:09From the moss caves of Fangtooth Mountain.
02:13Who's the only one?
02:15I'll tell you.
02:16Got pretty pokey up there.
02:18I had to use some serious magical protection.
02:21That's what I need.
02:23Magical protection.
02:25Fancy teaching me some magic hell?
02:27Sadly, Brian, the code of the Magicians Guild forbids it.
02:31I can pay.
02:32When do you want to start?
02:41Nice and easy, Brian.
02:43Take your time.
02:45We don't want to waste in it.
02:46Now what?
02:50Why?
02:51I want you to add the botanicals.
02:57Now we need to lower the temperature a little bit, son.
03:00I want you to pop in two or three ice crystals.
03:05Now I want you to pass it very, very carefully to me.
03:18What is it?
03:20It's delicious.
03:24Cheers.
03:25Keep coming.
03:26I think there's something wrong with these darts.
03:40Can I have a go?
03:42Haven't you got anything better to do?
03:44No.
03:46I haven't.
03:48I've got no customers, and this sous-saint business is totally, extremely rubbish.
03:55Is that good?
03:56Um, it's all right.
04:00I've swung, Barbara.
04:02You're really good at that, aren't you?
04:03Of course you've got a height advantage, and your arms are longer.
04:06Plus my leg's still playing up.
04:09It's so cramped in here.
04:10Are you happy now?
04:16Yes.
04:24Cross breeze.
04:27Right now, Brian, there are several key things you need to know about wands.
04:31Wands come in all shapes and sizes, boy.
04:33Some are big, and some are small.
04:36Some are thick, and some are...
04:39Thin?
04:42Yes.
04:43Yes, very good, Brian.
04:44You're learning.
04:45Yeah, but I'm not, though, am I?
04:46You're just wasting my time.
04:48Brian, I know what I'm doing.
04:49I'm a licensed mage.
04:51Whose name is above the door?
04:54Yours.
05:01It's mine!
05:02Yeah, look, shouldn't I have some equipment or something?
05:05Yes.
05:05Yes, you should.
05:06Excellent point.
05:09What's that?
05:10Three sobs.
05:11Special student price.
05:13Yeah, and what about this one?
05:15The saucy secrets of the mages.
05:18Not that one, Brian.
05:19A little bit young for that.
05:21Whoa!
05:21Don't touch that!
05:27These are sting bugs, Brian.
05:30Lethal venom.
05:31But the honey.
05:33Oh, unbelievable.
05:36Shut up.
05:39Right then.
05:40Tomorrow, we are going to be dealing with the essential subject of wound hygiene.
05:45Shall we set that up?
05:47Yeah.
05:49I'll give you the money.
05:50When you start teaching me some actual magic.
05:56140!
05:57It's easier for you.
05:58I've got the sun in my eyes, and I'm wearing tight clothing.
06:05Right.
06:05119.
06:09Herman!
06:09Can you keep the noise down?
06:12Not me, Steg.
06:15What is that?
06:16What is that?
06:29What is that?
06:30When I count down from three, I want you to release the bars, issue your command.
06:43You ready?
06:44Yes.
06:46Three.
06:48Two.
06:50One.
06:52Go.
06:53Suspend!
06:58I'm doing it!
07:00I'm bloody doing it!
07:02Concentrate, Brian!
07:05Well, why don't you, uh, waft it around the room a little bit.
07:10And we sling it over to the left.
07:14That's it.
07:15And over to the right.
07:20God.
07:21Fabulous technique.
07:23And bring it slowly down back on the desk.
07:26Oh, God.
07:27Oh, God.
07:32That was amazing.
07:33What buzz, eh?
07:33God.
07:34Can we do it again?
07:35Oh, no, no, no.
07:36We need to give the universe a little bit of a break.
07:38Can't have the, uh, cosmic energies spiraling out of control.
07:42That don't be a thinking about, does it?
07:43Well, that cost me double-19 to check out, and then that happened.
07:54Crud!
07:55Your egg's hatched.
07:56What did you do?
07:57Uh, single-eight, double-15.
08:00Anyway, it's your problem, not mine.
08:02And on's.
08:03Not again.
08:15When it hatched, were you the first thing it saw?
08:19Yeah.
08:19Why?
08:20It thinks you're its mummy.
08:22What?
08:23No, no, no, no.
08:24I'm not ready for parenthood.
08:26I'm too young.
08:27I've got things to do.
08:28You've got to get this thing out of here.
08:30Take it.
08:31Clear off.
08:35Don't worry.
08:36They mature very quickly.
08:37From birth to adulthood in six hours.
08:41Just make sure it gets lots of sleep.
08:44Don't forget to set boundaries.
08:51Aren't you supposed to be selling that egg?
08:53Um, no.
08:57Because...
09:01I've got another one.
09:04You said there was only one.
09:05Only two, I said.
09:06You want to get your ears cleaned out.
09:08How would you like to be invisible?
09:12Really?
09:13Yeah, really invisible.
09:15Yeah.
09:15Yeah?
09:16Yeah.
09:16Shall we do it?
09:17Yeah.
09:17Okay.
09:20Pop round the back.
09:21And find me these ingredients.
09:24That'll make you invisible for a bit.
09:26Huh?
09:26Nothing.
09:27Egg big.
09:42Hmm.
09:43Yeah.
09:44That's close enough.
09:46Come on.
09:48It's your favourite.
09:49Mushed up flies and beetles.
09:51Easy, Barbara.
09:53Careful with the dance.
09:55Will you stop fussing over that stupid lizard?
09:58Raising a baby is a big responsibility.
10:02Here comes the troll into the game.
10:07Come on.
10:10Who's a clever boy?
10:12Hey.
10:12Hey.
10:12Hey.
10:12Hey.
10:12Hey.
10:12Hey.
10:12Hey.
10:12Hey.
10:12Hey.
10:12Hey.
10:12Hey.
10:12Hey.
10:12Hey.
10:12Hey.
10:12Hey.
10:12Hey.
10:13Hey.
10:13Hey.
10:13Hey.
10:14Hey.
10:14Hey.
10:14Hey.
10:15Hey.
10:15Hey.
10:16Hey.
10:16Hey.
10:17Hey.
10:17Hey.
10:18Hey.
10:18Hey.
10:19Hey.
10:19Hey.
10:20Hey.
10:21You're my son.
10:21You're my
10:30Unauthorized weapons.
10:31They're called darts.
10:33It's a game you throw them at the board.
10:38Stand aside.
10:4220, 3.
10:45Have I won?
10:46Yes.
10:47Good.
10:48I like this game.
10:50Fun.
10:51Two more cherries.
10:55Now!
10:56Give me the arrows, I want another go.
11:00Champion!
11:03All right, got the ingredients.
11:05Let's get invisible.
11:08What?
11:09Oh, yeah, of course.
11:10He did have two eggs.
11:12Looks like a giant chicken egg.
11:14Hi!
11:16Stupid Brian.
11:18It's absolutely a genuine Soros egg.
11:21Last one.
11:23In order to make your invisibility potion,
11:27I need to just pop out and get one final ingredient.
11:31Brilliant.
11:32Ah, the problem is,
11:34I'm expecting someone to come and collect the egg.
11:37I could wait here for you.
11:39Oh, that's very good of you, Brian.
11:41The problem is,
11:42you'll only deal with me.
11:43Uh, well, I could go and get the ingredient.
11:50Great!
11:51Hmm.
11:53The problem is,
11:54you don't know how to gather
11:55necrotic fungus leaves, do you?
11:58No.
11:58No.
11:59Oh, what are we going to do?
12:05I got it!
12:06Of course.
12:07It's a simple body swap spell.
12:13I'll make you look like me.
12:16And me look like you.
12:20Really?
12:21Yeah, really.
12:22That way, you can stay here,
12:24I can pop out,
12:26get the stuff that's going to make you invisible.
12:28And I'll show you how to turn water into shoes.
12:32I'll teach you how to fly.
12:38Yeah?
12:39You'd like that, wouldn't you?
12:40Yeah, that'd be good.
12:41Yeah.
12:42So drink it up.
12:44Cheers.
12:54Whoa.
12:56You want to look in the mirror, Brian?
13:00That is weird.
13:02You don't still sound like me.
13:04Is that a problem?
13:05Nah.
13:06So, when the Eggman comes,
13:08just hand him the sawrasek.
13:10Job done.
13:11He's all right, is he?
13:12This Eggman?
13:13Yeah.
13:15Get me that sawrasek,
13:17and if you sound me a fake,
13:19I'll slice the top of your head off
13:20and dip my toast in your brain.
13:23Lovely bloke.
13:25This is incredible.
13:27And when you get back,
13:28you'll make me invisible
13:29and teach me how to fly?
13:31See ya!
13:32I'm a crazy wizard.
13:37Fifteen.
13:38Double three.
13:39Nine.
13:40What's that, mate, Chester?
13:42Eleventy-four.
13:43I win again!
13:44Yay!
13:47I've got to get rid of those fairies.
13:49I want another go.
13:51Yeah!
13:53Watch and learn.
13:54Close your eyes
14:01Have no fear
14:05The monster's gone
14:09He's on the run
14:11And your daddy's here
14:14Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
14:19Beautiful boy
14:21Beautiful boy
14:22Oh!
14:25Oh, hello.
14:28Hi.
14:29Who's this then?
14:30This, uh, this is my son.
14:32Um, it's Egg Junior.
14:33Oh!
14:34He's got lovely paws
14:37Yeah
14:38It's nice he's such a hands-on dad
14:41Well, you'd do anything for your kids, wouldn't you?
14:43In fact, I was thinking of moving to Pockel for the schools
14:46It's nice there
14:47Yeah
14:48I'm a single parent
14:52Perhaps we could
14:54My husband's a warrior
14:55Mate, probably not then
14:56Then I ripped his ear off
15:00Sorry, lads
15:02Game's over
15:04Oi
15:06What are you doing?
15:08You can't take that down
15:09I was winning by some to not many
15:11I need the space
15:13Tell you what, lads
15:15You take the board
15:16We like it here
15:18This is where we always play darts
15:20And there's free sherry
15:21We're gonna come in here every day
15:24And we're gonna play darts
15:26I just thought, you know, you might want to give someone else a chance
15:29What?
15:31Like we get to play someone else?
15:33Our best player against your best player
15:35Winner takes the pub
15:36No, you can't do that
15:37Winner takes the pub
15:38Winner takes the pub
15:40Winner takes the pub
15:42Winner takes the pub
15:43Winner takes the pub
15:45Winner takes the pub
15:47Winner takes the pub
15:48Winner takes the pub
15:49Winner takes the pub
15:50Winner takes the pub
15:51Winner takes the pub
15:52Winner takes the pub
15:53Winner takes the pub
15:54Winner takes the pub
15:55Winner takes the pub
15:56I know this is a difficult time for you
15:58You're three hours old
16:00You're growing up
16:01There's changes happening to your body
16:05and you're probably experiencing some sort of feelings.
16:13Step Junior. Open this door. Come on.
16:22Okay, I shouldn't have said that. Sorry. Just please let me out of here.
16:30Barbara, I was about to send you an arrow.
16:32Oh, how exciting. What's happening?
16:35You like darts, don't you?
16:36Oh, I love a bit of darts.
16:38How do you fancy playing a game against a fairy?
16:40Just, you know, to keep them sweet?
16:43Well, I don't think I'll have time because...
16:48I've got a new customer.
16:49His name's Mr Morinov and he's totally, extremely, incredibly rich.
16:54I really do need you to play this game.
16:57Well, because I'm in such a good mood, I will.
17:00Brilliant. Thanks, Barbara.
17:02Have you seen Step Junior?
17:03Yeah, he went that way.
17:08This came off your toilet door.
17:11That reminds me of the time.
17:12No, no, Herman.
17:17Al?
17:17Yeah?
17:19Have you seen Step Junior?
17:21Step Junior?
17:22My son, the lizard baby.
17:25Well, I say baby, they grow up so fast these days.
17:27No, not seeing him.
17:29Maybe I'll ask Brian.
17:31Not that he'd know anyway.
17:32The sooner he's gone, the better, eh?
17:33Well, I think Brian's great.
17:35Really?
17:37Really?
17:37Yeah.
17:37He's, like, really funny and cool.
17:42Are you feeling all right?
17:43Yeah, I'm just saying.
17:44I'm a fan, that's all.
17:45Whatever.
17:46Actually, while I'm here, can I pick up some cream for my ongoing issue?
17:52Right now.
17:53Really?
17:53All gone.
17:55Will you check?
17:55Yeah.
17:56It's just it started swelling up again.
17:58Is that normal?
18:00It does sound pretty serious, Steg.
18:02I wouldn't be surprised if it fell off.
18:05Oh, crunt.
18:08Be great at owning this pub.
18:10Get rid of that furniture.
18:11Put in a punching machine.
18:15One large rhubarb seizure, please, Herman.
18:20Have you had the mustard?
18:21You all right, Brian?
18:22You sound terrible.
18:23Er, bit of a cold.
18:31It's time.
18:32Where's your plan, then?
18:33Should be along any moment.
18:51I've got the power!
19:09started. I'll phone you ready. Certainly am. Good luck, Barbara. Oh, thank you, Herman.
19:16Brian, aren't you going to wish me luck? Oh, good luck, Barbara. My darling.
19:27Right. Best of order, Barbara, to throw first. Game on.
19:33Seven. Well, that's what they say in darts, isn't it, Bray? Probably.
19:49Seven. Whoops.
19:51One hundred and eighty. Nine. Yes!
20:08Wow. Stay junior. Junior.
20:21I can hardly wait. He shit his skin. He's gone.
20:33Junior!
20:42Six.
20:51Yeah. One-on-one. Game shot to the fairies.
20:58Boom. Nice one.
21:00You're five-nil down. What's going on? You could play this morning.
21:04I don't know. One more game and we take the pub, lads.
21:09What do they mean? I said the one against the pub.
21:13What? Why didn't you tell me? What were you thinking?
21:20Tricking me into this game?
21:24One hundred and eighty-nine. One hundred and eighty-nine!
21:35Izzy-wizzy, let's get busy.
21:37All right.
21:44Good afternoon. Howl?
21:47Yes, I am.
21:48I've come for the inspection.
21:50The what?
21:51The five-year inspection, so you can keep your license.
21:54It is your name above the door, isn't it?
21:56Yeah. Big time.
21:58Just carry on. Pretend I'm not here.
22:00All right.
22:02Potions or potions.
22:22Come on, Barbara. You dress like an old woman.
22:26What? How dare you?
22:32You smell like a smelly old cat.
22:52You'll never get into the Seer's Guild.
22:54You couldn't even predict your own breakfast.
22:57I'll stop the power!
23:05This is my son, Steg Junior.
23:09It's nice to see such a hands-on dad.
23:11I'm a single parent.
23:14My husband's a warrior.
23:16Are you following me?
23:18I was walking this way anyway.
23:22You grubby little man.
23:27That all seems fine.
23:29In fact, an improvement on last time.
23:31Oh.
23:32One final thing.
23:34I just need to see a practical demonstration.
23:37Of?
23:38Magic.
23:39Any basic spell.
23:42Oh.
23:45Levitation.
23:46Perfectly acceptable.
23:48Perhaps you could levitate that giant egg.
23:50Yeah.
23:51What?
23:52Yeah.
23:52Yeah.
23:53Yeah.
23:53You could play your spell.
23:55Big, big, innit?
23:57Okay.
23:59Energy.
23:59You got it.
24:00Through.
24:02Arm.
24:04Suspend!
24:08Licence revoked.
24:09Oh.
24:13How?
24:15Oh, man.
24:16Uh...
24:18What?
24:20Is that my egg?
24:21Um...
24:23I know you're not going to tell me that's my egg.
24:25Because that's a chicken egg.
24:27With a cheap enlargement spell on it.
24:30So where's my egg?
24:33It's at the back.
24:35I'll just go out the back.
24:37Get it.
24:38Yep.
24:39I'll just go out.
24:45Yeah?
24:46Cooler.
24:49Here.
24:53Ow!
24:54Come on, awful.
25:08You couldn't do it.
25:09Just do a double nineteen.
25:19Right.
25:20Ball's eye to win.
25:21Barbara, listen to me.
25:22You're a sad, laughable, hopeless, flatulent, sponge-brained, greasy-haired loser.
25:33Yes!
25:35Well done, Barbara!
25:39Stupid pub!
25:40Springleaf, get the dart ball.
25:43There was a cross brace.
25:45And she's got longer arms.
25:52Congratulations, Barbara.
26:02Brian!
26:03I don't know what you're talking about.
26:13I don't know what you're talking about.
26:14Oh, Mr. Moranoff, are you here for your reading?
26:17Howl, you're dead.
26:19Look, can I just say, I'm not Howl.
26:21He's Howl.
26:23I'm under a spell, mate.
26:24Which is exactly the sort of thing that Howl would say.
26:27He's Howl.
26:29He's Howl.
26:29He's Howl.
26:30I'm not Howl, he's Howl.
26:31I'm telling you, he is Howl.
26:33I haven't got time for this.
26:34I'm Brian!
26:35I'm Brian!
26:37He doesn't even know my name.
26:40Waiter.
26:42He even sounds like Howl.
26:43No, I don't.
26:44Yeah, you do.
26:44No, I don't.
26:44Yeah, you do.
26:45No, I don't.
26:45Yeah, he does.
26:46I don't.
26:46Yeah, he does.
26:47I don't.
26:47He does.
26:47I don't.
26:48Where's my egg?
26:50Listen, I can prove I'm Brian.
26:53Chips, Croydon, football, Crouch's goal celebration.
27:01What are you doing?
27:02Brian doesn't dance like that.
27:04He dances like this, because I'm Brian.
27:07Oh, he's gone.
27:17That was easier than I thought.
27:20I'll change his back, shall I?
27:24Wait.
27:26That was you, Howl.
27:27Yeah.
27:28Oh, God.
27:30Shouldn't this Stingbug Joe have a lid on it?
27:32Everybody remain very still and very quiet.
27:40Well, this thing is deadly.
27:47I hear the honey is amazing.
27:51It is.
27:52Mm.
28:01Made it worse now.
28:03Oh.
28:03By the way, I got your magical license revoked.
28:09Sorry.
28:10Grunt.
28:11I can't believe you kissed my hand.
28:14I thought it was Brian.
28:17What's she talking about?
28:18I'll tell you later.
28:19And you've lost me, my only customer.
28:24Oh.
28:24What do I do now?
28:32Keep still.
28:42Magic darts.
28:43There's one left.
28:50I haven't got any more darts.
28:51Huh?
28:53I don't want to die.
28:58What the fuck is that?
29:04Steak Junior.
29:05I don't want to die here.
29:09That's my boy.
29:24The new and exclusive Zapped continues next Thursday at 9.40, but if you can't wait that
29:29long for the latest mystical adventures of James Buckley and the gang, you can watch the
29:33next episode now with Dave's on-demand service, UK TV Play.
29:37Next up, it's Red Dwarf coping with the moon made in the image of Rimmer's mind.
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