- 6 weeks ago
Christmas Special 🎄
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00:00I would like to leave this city
00:09This old town don't smell too pretty
00:13And I can feel the warning sign
00:18Running around my mind
00:21So what do you say
00:25You can't give me the dream
00:28To the mine anyway
00:30Half the world away
00:33Half the world away
00:37Half the world away
00:41I've been lost, I've been found
00:44But I don't feel bad
00:46These five people are amongst the greatest quiz players in Britain
00:50Together they make up the eggheads
00:54Arguably the most formidable quiz team in the country
00:57Jim!
00:59Will you stop knocking Nana with your nuts?
01:03Aww, doesn't it look lovely, the tree, Jim?
01:06Yeah
01:07So glad we left it up from last year
01:09That was our Denise's little tip, wasn't it?
01:12Yeah
01:12Barbara, how many times are you going to look in the same bloody place?
01:18Well, it's my wedding ring, Jim
01:20I know, but it'll turn up
01:22Oh, Jim, you're going to have to cancel this repeat prescription
01:25This bureau's full of pile cream
01:27Never mind about that
01:29You worry about your ring, and I'll worry about mine
01:32Oh, where can it be?
01:37I haven't looked down the back of the sofa yet
01:39Oh, there's loads of stuff down here
01:43Any money down there, it'll be mine, you know, Barb
01:45Oh, look
01:47Our aunt and his dummy
01:49Oh, bless
01:51Oh, scratch card that hasn't been scratched
01:56That's mine, that, Barb
01:57Oh, look at that, Jim
02:05An old drill
02:06Hey, that's yours, that
02:07Put it back, will you
02:08I might want to use that one day
02:09It's like the bloody generation game down the back of that sofa, Barb
02:13No fondue sets down there, is there?
02:17No, it's not here
02:18Get that, will you, Barb?
02:21Yeah
02:21Oh, Jim
02:25Sorry, Barb
02:26Hiya, ma'am
02:31Hiya, Denise
02:32You all right?
02:33Yeah, you all right
02:34Yeah
02:34Hiya, Dad
02:37Hiya, Denise
02:38You all right?
02:39Yeah
02:40Oh, Denise
02:50Yeah
02:51I can't find my wedding ring
02:54Aw
02:55It'll turn up
02:56Meant a lot to me, that ring
02:58Took me three months to pay it off
03:01Thirty-six weeks at one shilling and sixpence
03:04Yeah, you'd have to take a second job on to pay for that, didn't you, Barb?
03:07Yeah
03:07I was a machinist during the day, then I'd come home, get your dad's tea, put whatever channel he wanted on the telly and then go out again to the school and clean for three hours
03:18Yeah, those were the days
03:48It's time
03:48It's time for me supper
03:50Oh
03:51Is that your answer?
03:56Yeah
03:56It is the right answer, Judith
03:58Have you had your tea?
04:01Yeah
04:02Yeah
04:02What did you have?
04:03Yeah, what did you have?
04:04Chops
04:04Chops
04:04Chops?
04:06Oh, how lovely
04:07Lamb or pork?
04:08I don't mean chops, I mean chips
04:10Little Norma made them
04:14Oh
04:15I got her a little stool so she can reach the chip pan
04:19What a good idea
04:20Well, when you've got kids, you've got to think safety first
04:23Oh, you have Denise
04:25That's why I make them wear fluorescent jackets when I send them to the off-licence at night
04:30Oh, yeah, safety first
04:32Oh, they're at that dead cheeky stage now
04:36Keep saying things like, I hate you and I wish I'd never been born
04:41Oh, what'd we like?
04:51Oh, Denise?
04:54Where's Dave?
04:56Oh, he's, er, he's not here
04:57Jim?
04:59Dave's not here
05:00Who?
05:02David
05:02Denise's husband
05:04Oh, Dave, yeah?
05:06Where is Dave, Denise?
05:08Erm, he's had to go somewhere
05:10Oh
05:11You should have said earlier, I could have been missing him
05:15I thought there was more room on the sofa
05:18Where's he gone?
05:21Who?
05:22Dave
05:23Erm, he's at a, a conference
05:26A conference? Dave?
05:29Oh, Denise, you must be so proud
05:32A conference, Dave? He's a bloody removal man
05:35What does he want a conference for?
05:37How many at this conference, Denise?
05:42Er, just Dave
05:44Oh, just Dave
05:45Oh, that's nice
05:46That's not a bloody conference
05:52That's just Dave talking to himself
05:54And where did they have in this conference, eh?
05:57In his van
05:58Jim, why can't you be happy for Dave's conference?
06:02Anyway, that's how conferences start with one person
06:05Er, does anyone want a cup of tea?
06:10I'm going to put a brew on
06:11Oh, Jim
06:20She's not herself
06:22Something's the matter
06:24Ma'am, where are the mugs?
06:29In the top cupboard
06:30Ma'am, where'd you keep the milk?
06:36In the fridge
06:38Ma'am, how much milk do you put in the mugs?
06:44Oh, I'll go and help her
06:46Oh, you're doing well
06:50You've got the mugs out
06:51That's good
06:53So that's how much milk you put in
07:00All right
07:02Are you all right, Denise?
07:07Yeah, yeah
07:08Are you sure?
07:10Yeah
07:10You know you can tell me anything, don't you?
07:14Well, me and Dave have been having problems in the bedroom
07:17Oh, Denise
07:18Is the wallpaper peeling off again?
07:21No, no, not that
07:23Well, you know Dave?
07:25Yeah, Dave
07:25Well, you know Dave's dickie?
07:27Yeah, Dave's dickie
07:28Well, it's broken
07:29Dave's dickie's broken?
07:32That's where he is, really
07:33He's took it to the doctors
07:35Oh, Denise
07:36What's happened to it?
07:38Well, don't know how to say it, really
07:41Well, you know when little David had that bouncy castle
07:45And they tried all day to inflate it but it wouldn't go up
07:49Yeah
07:49Well, that's what's happened to Dave
07:51Oh, poor Dave's dickie
07:53Oh
07:54You'll have to get it sorted, Denise
07:56What, with Christmas coming on?
07:58Yeah
07:59I had to talk him into going to the doctors
08:01He's really embarrassed about it
08:03Oh, was he?
08:05Yeah, he didn't want to show it to the doctor
08:07So he took a photo of it on his mobile phone
08:09But that's caused upset
08:11Why?
08:13Well, he thought he'd sent his mum a photo of the kids
08:16Oh, no, Denise
08:17Poor Jocelyn having Dave's dickie in her inbox
08:21Mm-hmm
08:22I know
08:23I've run a business
08:25I've run a business
08:25Post-its in a shop
08:26I've also got
08:29I'm the only government
08:30I'm on the right
08:31And illustrate some children
08:32Ah, great
08:33Are they all sailing in the shop then?
08:35Is that
08:35They're all sailing in my shop, yeah
08:37And I don't know
08:38All of you
08:39Thank you
08:39Good, good
08:41Good luck with those
08:43Would you like to go first or second?
08:45Thank you
08:45I wish your dad's dickie was broken
09:06He can be a real nuisance with his
09:08Yeah
09:08Are you sure Dave hasn't been overworking it?
09:12No
09:13Well, not that I know of
09:14And he hasn't trapped it in the George Foreman grill again?
09:19No
09:19You don't think it's something psychological, do you?
09:23What, with Dave?
09:24No
09:25Do you know what?
09:30Your dad may have some advice on this
09:32Don't tell me dad
09:33No, no
09:34Denise
09:34Your dad's very fond of David
09:36I know he can take the mickey sometimes
09:39But he can be very sensitive, your father, when he needs to be
09:43Do you think so?
09:44Oh, yeah
09:45All right
09:47I'll finish the brew
09:49Yeah
09:49Jim, grow up
10:09I don't need a present this year
10:15That's my present
10:16Wait till the lads in the feathers hear about this
10:19Dad
10:21Jim, enough
10:22I told Denise out there that you would handle Dave's dickie sensitively
10:27Oh, Jim
10:29This is serious, this is
10:31He's not at a conference
10:32He's taking it to the doctors
10:34Has he tried bathing it in milk?
10:47In milk?
10:48Bloody hell, Barb
10:50It's not smoke-tatic
10:52I hope he hasn't worn it out
10:56You don't have a very long shelf life, these things, you know
10:59Classic on the best before day
11:01Stamped on the end of your tasset, Denise
11:03I could hear him upstairs last night trying to start it up
11:10Our songs of praise was on
11:12What were they singing?
11:13Stand up, stand up
11:15Oh, Jesus
11:17That'll be Dave
11:23Get that, will you, Barb?
11:25That'll be Mr Softy
11:27Jim
11:28Dad?
11:29I told him I wouldn't tell anyone
11:31Jim?
11:31You zip it
11:33All right
11:33All right
11:34Hiya, Dave
11:37Hiya, Barbara
11:38Are you all right?
11:39Yeah
11:40Hiya, Jim
11:42Hiya, Dave
11:43Hiya, Denise
11:45Hiya, Dave
11:46Dave
11:46Flop yourself down there
11:49How did the conference go, Dave?
11:54Oh, all right
11:55Yeah, yeah
11:56What was it about, Dave?
11:59Just the usual conference stuff, you know
12:01Just the usual, eh?
12:03I tell you what
12:04I bet you were bored stiff, weren't you?
12:07I was, yeah
12:08The main thing is, Dave
12:10Always keep your pecker up
12:12Hmm
12:13Do you need a cushion or anything, Dave?
12:22I'm all right
12:23Thanks, Barbara
12:24Do you fancy a brew, Dave?
12:27Oh, yes, please
12:28I'll put the kettle on
12:30Jim
12:32Oh, hey, Dave
12:36Did anything pop up at the conference?
12:40No
12:41Not really
12:41Jim?
12:43Who says there's fiver on the table?
12:46Fiver?
12:47Hang on, Barbara
12:48Think that might be mine
12:49Where is it?
12:55There isn't a fiver
12:56They need their privacy in there
12:57They don't need you listening in
12:59Oh
12:59How'd you go into the doctors, Dave?
13:05Oh
13:06He said he sees this problem a lot in the North West
13:10Does he?
13:11Yeah
13:12He's told me to keep my eye on it
13:14Oh
13:15He said it might be stress-related
13:19What are you stressed about?
13:22Probably the conference
13:24We made that up?
13:26Oh, yeah, we did, yeah
13:28Dave
13:32Dave
13:33Would you like a nice cup of tea?
13:36Oh
13:36Or would you like a coffee?
13:38Oh
13:38Maybe you prefer something
13:41A little bit stiffer
13:42Ah, a cup of tea, please, Jim
13:45Tell you what, though, Denise
13:50I'm glad your dad doesn't know about it
13:53If he knew
13:54He wouldn't half take the mickey
13:56Chestnuts roasting on an open fire
14:06Jack Frost nipping at your nose
14:1210
14:1320
14:1430
14:1540
14:1640
14:1750
14:1860
14:1970
14:2080
14:2190
14:22100
14:2380
14:2490
14:25100
14:26Ha ha ha ha
14:28Ha ha ha ha ha
14:29Ha ha ha
14:37Alright, love
14:38Yeah
14:39I think I've gone over the top with presents this year
14:43Then again, if you can't spoil your family at Christmas
14:46When can you?
14:47can you? Two hours
14:49in Poundland, I was.
14:51I think I've got it all now,
14:53though. Look at these four, Bob.
14:55All that's missing's a bloody
14:56cauldron. Hey, you know who was
14:58in there? Who?
15:00Dandruff Derek. Who?
15:03Dandruff Derek. You know, he's got a
15:04moustache just there. Well, where else
15:07would you have a moustache, Bob? Oh,
15:08I was looking at the head and shoulders.
15:11I usually feel sorry
15:12for him with all that dandruff, but
15:14it does look nice at Christmas.
15:17You know, it's like the first drops
15:19of snow. You want to put him
15:21in one of them globes that you shake up
15:22and put on the bloody mantelpiece?
15:26Oh, hey.
15:27You missed her while you've been out.
15:29Who? Her who's moved in next door
15:31bloody cadging cattle. Oh, what did
15:33she want this time? A toilet roll.
15:35A toilet roll? Aye, a
15:37full bloody one and all. I gave her half a
15:39one and said, use both bloody sides. Jim!
15:41Well, we'll never get it back.
15:43Well, we don't want it back, do we, if they've wiped the
15:45bottoms on it? Do you know what, Bob? Sometimes
15:47I give up on you. Oh,
15:49I feel dead sorry for her
15:51with all them kids to look after.
15:53Yeah, and all with different fathers, eh?
15:55Jim, I don't know that.
15:57I don't know that. One's English,
15:59one's Chinese and one's Indian.
16:01It's like the bloody Olympic village next door.
16:03Oh, hiya, Joe.
16:08Hi, Barbara.
16:09You all right, Joe?
16:11You know, I'm not bad.
16:14Any news on Dave's dickie?
16:16No.
16:18Oh, I've got a get well card for it.
16:20I'm Cheryl.
16:21Oh, no, you've got to keep it to yourself, Joe.
16:23He's trying to keep it private.
16:25Ah, well, that's what I was telling them all
16:27in the feathers last night.
16:28Yeah.
16:29They were very sensitive about it
16:31in the hairdressers.
16:32Sensitive, my arse.
16:33Dave's the only one who won't talk about it.
16:36I had them laughing their bloody heads off
16:37in the newsagents this morning.
16:42Found your ring yet, Barbara?
16:43No.
16:44I checked your finger?
16:45Yeah.
16:45I was telling Barbara
16:48she was round before on the borrow again,
16:51bloody catching cattle.
16:52Oh, she came round to my house
16:54to borrow me drill.
16:55I must have lent it to somebody,
16:57but I can't remember who.
16:58See, that's the trouble, Joe.
16:59People have got no respect
17:00for other people's bloody property these days.
17:02I think I've.
17:03No, Barbara.
17:04No respect at all.
17:09Oh, Joe.
17:11How's your Cheryl's new job
17:13going at the hospice?
17:14Oh, she loves her, yeah, yeah.
17:18She's been helping out
17:19with Christmas dinners all week.
17:21Oh, isn't she good?
17:23Because a lot of them
17:23can't finish a big meal.
17:25Oh.
17:26Aye, she's pouring us down and half.
17:28Oh.
17:30I don't see much of her nowadays.
17:33She's saved up
17:34and bought herself a fridge freezer
17:35for her bedroom.
17:36Cheryl?
17:37Has she?
17:38Well, she's 36 now.
17:41You know, she wants
17:42a bit of independence.
17:43Of course she does.
17:44Anyway, I've got something to announce.
17:48Oh.
17:49What is it, Joe?
17:52My girlfriend.
17:53Oh.
17:55Have you got a girlfriend?
17:57No.
17:57But I've put in for one.
17:59How do you mean, Joe?
18:01Well, I've put an advert in the paper
18:02in the Lonely Hearts section.
18:05I'm going to audition them all
18:06and then pick the best one.
18:07Bloody hell, Joe.
18:08But it's not the X Factor.
18:10How many do you think are going to turn up?
18:13Hey, we won't have to rope off the street, will we?
18:17What does it say in your ad, Joe?
18:19Well, I'll go and get it, shall I?
18:20Oh, yeah.
18:22Yeah.
18:22He's gone bloody worse,
18:26him.
18:26He's round a bloody twist.
18:27Oh, don't say that, Jim.
18:29We've got one flew over the cuckoo's nest
18:31on that side.
18:31The bloody borrower's on
18:32that bloody side.
18:34Oh, wait.
18:34And don't go blating out about that drill,
18:36will you, Barb?
18:38Well, you'll never use it.
18:39You wouldn't even lend it
18:40to Cadge and Carol the other day.
18:42Well, I'd never have got the bugger back
18:43if I had, would I?
18:48Hey, what about Joe
18:49with the lonely hats?
18:50Oh, he's quite a catch, Joe.
18:53Quite a catch.
18:55He sits watching police cameras action
18:57with his arm round his bloody dead wife
18:59in an inn.
19:00He's got a 36-year-old daughter
19:01upstairs in the bedroom
19:02with her head stuck
19:03in the bloody fridge freezer.
19:04You think he's quite a catch.
19:07Look out.
19:08There he is.
19:08He's back.
19:12Hi, Barbara.
19:15Hi, Joe.
19:15Hi, Joe.
19:16All right, Jim.
19:19Are you going to read it to us?
19:22What?
19:23You're adverting the paper.
19:25Oh.
19:27Hi.
19:28Hi.
19:28Hi.
19:34Right.
19:35I've put the heading
19:36Vacant Lady Wanted.
19:38Vacant Lady Required
19:42for Mature Widow.
19:44Oh, that sounds good.
19:45Interests,
19:46police camera action,
19:48embarrassing bodies
19:49and eggheads.
19:50In good health,
19:51apart from the occasional
19:53irritable bowel.
19:53Why don't you just send
19:56a stool sample in,
19:57Joe
19:58and be done with it?
20:00And slight psoriasis.
20:02In brackets,
20:03one elbow only.
20:04Bloody hell, Joe.
20:05Own car,
20:06tax up to date,
20:08slight cracking wing mirror.
20:09Was this going in the evening news
20:10or in the bloody auto trader?
20:12Looking for fun,
20:13friendship
20:14and hopefully
20:15occasional
20:16intimate encounters.
20:18To be agreed upon.
20:20Agreed upon?
20:21Bloody hell, Joe.
20:22I'd never get me leg
20:24over if Barbara
20:24had to agree to it.
20:26Jim!
20:28I think that sounds
20:29lovely, Joe.
20:30Oh, thanks, Barbara.
20:33Right,
20:33I better be off.
20:34I said how I'd
20:35defrost Cheryl's fridge
20:36freezer this afternoon.
20:38Bye, Barbara.
20:39Bye, Joe.
20:41See you, Jim.
20:41So-ra, Joe.
20:43Oh, Joe,
20:44let me know
20:44if you want me
20:45to send Barbara
20:45round to
20:46man the phone lines.
20:49What's he like?
20:50What's he like?
20:51We know what he's like.
20:52It's the poor
20:52vacant lady
20:53I feel sorry for.
20:55All she's got
20:55to look forward to
20:56is one cracked
20:57wing mirror
20:58and one cracked pot.
20:59Oh, the weather
21:07outside is frightful
21:09but the fire
21:10is so delightful
21:12and since we've
21:14no place to go
21:15let it snow
21:17let it snow
21:18let it snow
21:19How's your mum's dog, Dave?
21:21Is it still gay?
21:23Yeah.
21:23Will it still
21:27only eat quiche?
21:28Yeah.
21:31By revealing
21:32ambitious plans
21:33and a flourishing
21:34revenue stream
21:34I love
21:36dragons, Denme.
21:37Yeah.
21:38What do you think
21:39the best invention
21:40that's ever been is?
21:42That's Ellie!
21:43Yeah.
21:45I think it's
21:46the corned beef
21:47key
21:47because until
21:48they'd invented
21:49that
21:50how would
21:50anybody know
21:51what corned beef
21:52tasted like?
21:53Oh, Dave, yeah.
21:56I agree.
21:58I bet the sales
21:59of corned beef
22:00went through the roof
22:00when they invented them.
22:02Oh, yeah.
22:04What would you
22:05have invented, ma'am?
22:06Oh, um...
22:08The George Foreman grill.
22:10Ah!
22:11George Foreman
22:12invented that, bab.
22:13There was a clue
22:13there in the name.
22:15Why don't you
22:16buggers all
22:16go on
22:17Dragon's Den
22:17and, uh,
22:18take the wheel
22:19with you?
22:19Oh, Jim.
22:20No wonder
22:21nothing gets
22:21invented in this
22:22house.
22:24I bet Isaac
22:25Newtown
22:25had the same
22:26problem
22:26when he invented
22:27that, um,
22:28gravity thingy.
22:29He didn't
22:30invent gravity.
22:31Who did?
22:32No one.
22:33It was always
22:34there, wasn't it?
22:35He just bloody
22:36spotted it
22:36when the apple
22:37fell from the tree.
22:38Well, how did
22:39the apples
22:40fall from the tree
22:41before gravity
22:42then, know-all?
22:44Oh, I give up
22:44with you buggers.
22:45I give up
22:46with you, Jim.
22:46Oh!
22:48Dave's got a
22:49great invention,
22:50haven't you, Dave?
22:51Oh!
22:52Have you, Dave?
22:53Yeah.
22:54What is it?
22:55Unlosable keys.
22:57The keys
22:57that you can
22:58never lose.
22:59Oh, Dave.
23:00I bet that'll
23:01take off.
23:02People are always
23:02losing the keys.
23:04Yeah.
23:04How does that
23:05work, Dave?
23:06I don't know.
23:07That bit's up
23:08in the air
23:08at the moment.
23:09That's why I have
23:10to get the dragons
23:10involved.
23:12Hopefully,
23:12they'll come up
23:13with that bit.
23:14Yeah.
23:14He's thought it
23:15all through,
23:16haven't you, Dave?
23:17Oh, yeah.
23:18I'll be looking
23:19for a hundred
23:20thousand pound
23:21investment
23:22for 20% stake
23:24in my company.
23:25Oh, yeah.
23:26Hmm.
23:27It can't fail.
23:28I'd be quite happy
23:30with 80%
23:31share of the
23:32unlosable key market.
23:35Then,
23:36after a couple
23:37of years,
23:37I'll be looking
23:37to move into
23:38other losable areas,
23:40you know,
23:40like jewellery,
23:42credit cards,
23:43odd socks.
23:44I mean,
23:44the list of things
23:45you can lose
23:45is endless.
23:46Well, you want
23:47to add marbles
23:47to that list, Dave,
23:48because you've
23:49definitely lost yours.
23:50Oh, ignore him, Dave.
23:52I think it's a good idea.
23:54I wish you'd set it up
23:55before I lost my ring.
23:56Well, I've got
23:57no trouble
23:58finding my ring.
24:00And for that reason,
24:02I'm ouch.
24:04I wish you were.
24:06Are you all right, ma'am?
24:14No, I'm not.
24:15What's the matter?
24:17Well, I went in
24:18the newsagents today
24:19and he said,
24:20I bet you're having
24:21a good Christmas,
24:22aren't you?
24:23What with Jim's winnings.
24:25It only turns out
24:27that your dad
24:27has won £100
24:28on a scratch card
24:30that I found
24:31down the back
24:31of the sofa.
24:33£100?
24:34Yeah.
24:35Dave,
24:37it turns out
24:37that my dad's
24:38won £100
24:38from a scratch card
24:40my mum found
24:40down the back
24:41of the sofa.
24:42£100 from a scratch card
24:44that your mum found
24:44down the back
24:45of the sofa?
24:46Yeah.
24:47What did he say
24:47to the newsagent?
24:49Oh, well,
24:49I cracked on a new
24:50but deep down
24:51I was fuming.
24:54Selfish and mean,
24:55your dad,
24:55that's what he is.
24:56Do you know
24:57what he did
24:57the other day?
24:58Huh?
24:58Well, he answered
24:59the door
25:00and it was the paper boy
25:01with the built-up shoe
25:02knocking for his
25:03Christmas tip.
25:05Your dad told him
25:06he didn't live here.
25:07He was just visiting
25:08and he shut the door
25:09in his face.
25:10He didn't, did he?
25:11Yeah.
25:12The lad shouted
25:12back through the letterbox.
25:14Well, you must visit a lot
25:15because you said
25:15the same thing last year,
25:17you tight-fisted old fart.
25:18Well, he's right as well.
25:21Yeah.
25:22All he does
25:23is sit moaning
25:24all day at the telly
25:26and knocking your nana
25:27with his nuts.
25:28Well, haven't you
25:29tackled him about
25:30this morning, ma'am?
25:31I'm waiting to see
25:32if he tells me.
25:34Oh, I don't know
25:35why I'm so upset about it.
25:37He's done this sort of thing
25:38all his life.
25:39Yeah.
25:40You'll have to open
25:41that bathroom window
25:42and you go up there, bab.
25:43Them nuts have gone
25:44right bloody through me.
25:45Do you think she's gone?
26:13And you go up there.
26:14Yeah.
26:17Oh, hiya.
26:18You couldn't let us in, could you?
26:19I'm freezing me bollocks off
26:20out here, yeah?
26:28Hiya, Barbara.
26:29Hiya, Carol.
26:30I'm sorry.
26:31I couldn't hear you
26:31when you kept ringing the bell.
26:33Hiya, Denise.
26:34Hiya, Carol.
26:35All right, Dave, darling?
26:37Hiya, Carol.
26:38Hiya, my Jimbo.
26:40Hello there, Carol.
26:41Oh, Dragon's Den.
26:45Where are the kids, Carol?
26:47Are they not with you?
26:48No, I got shot at little buggers.
26:51I packed them all off to the dads
26:52whether they wanted them or not.
26:53Oh.
26:54So you're going to be
26:55on your own for Christmas?
26:57Christmas time
26:58is me time in my house.
27:00What's me time, Carol?
27:02Well, I'm having a proper night in.
27:03I've got a two-litre bottle of cider
27:05and I've borrowed a giant Toblerone
27:07from Cheryl's fridge freezer.
27:08I'm going to take my control pants off
27:09and let the good times roll.
27:11Well, you don't have no
27:12how to live it up,
27:13don't you, Carol?
27:14I certainly do.
27:16And I'm going to borrow
27:17the Best of Towie DVD
27:18that our Milo borrowed
27:19from O.O.H. Smith's.
27:21I said borrowed.
27:23He nicked it, really,
27:23but that's broken Britain
27:25for you, ain't he?
27:26Yeah.
27:28I am on the borrow
27:29myself, actually, Barbara.
27:30Oh, go away.
27:32You couldn't lend her
27:33some cranberry sauce
27:33for me Christmas dinner, could you?
27:35Oh, yeah.
27:36You've not got a bit of turkey
27:39to go with it, have you?
27:40It can be very moist
27:41on its own cranberry sauce.
27:43I haven't cooked it yet.
27:46Well, just cut us
27:46a couple of legs off,
27:47that'll do.
27:49You couldn't chuck us
27:50in a couple of wings
27:50and all, could you?
27:51And a nice bit of breast.
27:53Just save us
27:54the bloody Parsons' nose,
27:55will you, Barb?
27:56A bit of veg
27:56wouldn't go amiss
27:57if you've got any spare,
27:58you know.
27:59Just some spuds
28:00and sprouts.
28:01And maybe a parsnip or two.
28:03OK.
28:04Don't worry about
28:05the gravy, though, Barbara.
28:07I don't want to put you
28:08to any trouble.
28:09Oh, are you sure?
28:12Christmas is a ripe
28:13palaver, ain't it?
28:14All this stuff
28:15you have to get in
28:16for just one day.
28:17I'll need to go
28:18to Aldi again.
28:19I'll need to get
28:20some more food
28:20in for us now.
28:22Oh.
28:25Yeah.
28:26I'll never eat
28:27all of this.
28:29I'll tell you what,
28:30it makes much more sense
28:32if I come round here.
28:33Oh, I don't think
28:35I've got enough in, Carol.
28:37Oh, do you want
28:37a bar of these, then, Barbara?
28:39Oh, I don't know.
28:41Are you sure?
28:42Well, if I'm coming
28:43for Christmas dinner,
28:44it's the least I can do.
28:46Eh, I won't have
28:47another word said.
28:50Oh, thanks, Carol.
28:52You are welcome, Barbara.
28:54Tis Christmas,
28:55after all, ain't it?
28:56Yeah.
28:58Right.
28:59Well, I'll see you all
29:00on Christmas Day, then.
29:02Tell her, love.
29:06What the bloody hell
29:07did you invite her
29:08for Christmas dinner for?
29:09I didn't know I had.
29:12Hey!
29:13I mean, she's yours!
29:14She is a terrible mother,
29:20she is, isn't she?
29:21Yeah.
29:23I think you've done
29:24remarkably well.
29:26Where are your kids, Denise?
29:30Oh, Dave.
29:31I'm going to make you enough, ma'am.
29:32We forgot to pick them up
29:34from school.
29:35Oh, no.
29:36They'll be at the headmaster's
29:37house again now,
29:38won't they?
29:39Yeah.
29:40We'd better go.
29:41See you, ma'am.
29:43See you, Denise.
29:44See you, Dad.
29:46Ta-da, Denise.
29:47See you, Barbara.
29:48Bye, Dave.
29:50See you, Jim.
29:51Ta-da, Dave.
29:53Smart, ma'am.
29:55So versatile,
29:56you can use it anywhere.
29:58By the pool,
29:59on the beach,
30:00on the big trees,
30:01and it's even floats.
30:02I've lost me keys.
30:03It's beginning to look a lot
30:26like Christmas.
30:30Everywhere you go,
30:31Is that you, Barbara?
30:36Oh, hello, is that you, Joe?
30:40Well, what are you doing down there?
30:42I thought my ring might be stuck in the U-bend, so...
30:47Just checking it.
30:51Oh, no, it's not there.
30:58Oh. Oh, look what I found.
31:03A cotton bud with Nana's earwax on it.
31:07Hmm. I wonder which ear it was.
31:11Oh, sadly, we'll never know.
31:16Oh, Joe, how are you going on about your vacant ladies?
31:20Have you had any replies yet?
31:22Oh, aye, I've had a few.
31:24Oh, that's good.
31:25Aye, except I got one from a bloke called Brian.
31:27Oh, was he a gay?
31:30No, no, no, he just wanted to mend the crack in me wing mirror.
31:33Oh, Joe.
31:37Anyway, look, I saw Jim leave
31:40and I thought I'd take the opportunity to have a private word with you.
31:44Oh?
31:45Yeah, I need a bit of advice.
31:47See, it's a long time since I dated a vacant lady
31:51and I'm a bit rusty.
31:53Oh, right.
31:54Well, ask away, Joe.
31:57Well, I made a checklist.
31:59Would you go through it with me?
32:00A checklist?
32:01That's a good planning, Joe.
32:02Come on.
32:03Outfits.
32:04OK, number one.
32:07Should I wear a cardigan, a casual shirt and tie?
32:11Or a cardigan, a formal shirt and tie?
32:14Or a cardigan, a casual shirt and no tie?
32:17Or a cardigan, a formal shirt and no tie?
32:19Or a cardigan, a formal shirt and no tie?
32:22Does the cardigan have to feature in every outfit, Joe?
32:26Oh.
32:27Hang on a minute.
32:28Hang on a minute.
32:29Let me have a look.
32:32Yes.
32:33Oh, right.
32:34Er, well, I'd go for cardigan, formal shirt and tie.
32:41Oh, right.
32:42OK.
32:43What, like I've got on now?
32:44Yeah.
32:45Right.
32:46Let me just cross the others off, then.
32:52Number two.
32:54Acti-shave.
32:55Oh.
32:56All Spice, Brute or High Karate?
33:00Look, why don't you put a bit of all three on Joe?
33:03Oh.
33:04I'm not sure about that, Barbara.
33:06I don't want them to think I'm a bit of a player.
33:08Oh, I don't think they'll think that, Joe.
33:11Do you not?
33:13Right, then.
33:14All three it says, then.
33:16Nothing wrong with a bit of pizzazz, I suppose.
33:21Okey-dokey, number three.
33:24Small present on first greeting.
33:27Oh.
33:28Chocolates, flowers or a gift token?
33:31Oh, I don't think a gift token, Joe.
33:33Oh, well, that's a shame, because I got one from B&Q for my birthday and it runs out at the end of this month.
33:39Oh, no.
33:40I think a vacant lady would probably prefer flowers to a voucher from B&Q, Joe.
33:45Right.
33:47Flowers it is, then.
33:50That's it.
33:51That's my checklist over.
33:52Ooh.
33:53So, Joe, what are you going to do on your first date?
33:56Well, I've had a great idea.
34:00And I was hoping you could help me.
34:03Of course I will.
34:04What is it?
34:05Well, I was thinking...
34:08Food's lovely here, isn't it, Doreen?
34:20Mm-hm.
34:21I come here often.
34:24Would you like some more bread?
34:30No, thank you, Barbara.
34:32Oh.
34:33Well, I'll leave it there, just in case you change your mind.
34:36Oh.
34:37Sir the X.
34:39Oh, Jim's undies.
34:51Oh, Doreen, I'm so sorry.
34:53Oh, at least they're clean.
34:55Should have seen them before I washed them.
34:57Skid city.
35:01Doreen.
35:03Doreen.
35:06Bradley Wiggins.
35:09LIFE GOES ON WITHOUT ME.
35:14because...
35:22I've recently invested in some stool softeners, Sharon.
35:25Two for one from Boats, if you're interested.
35:28No.
35:29I'm not.
35:34You know Bradley Wiggins?
35:35Sad and lonely, sad and lonely
35:38Oh, son, sweet mama
35:40Come take a chance with me
35:42Cause I ain't so bad
35:44Get on, sing it!
35:48Drag the Wiggins
35:49That's the M.O.T. certificate
36:16That's the insurance document
36:19And I'm taxed up to and including September
36:24Do you know Bradley Wiggins?
36:35No, no
36:36Come on
36:39Hmm
36:49Well, it's not as flaky in the summer book
37:18But it's, uh, it itches all year round
37:21Barbara's mother had psoriasis before she expired
37:25She spent her last days bedridden right where we are now
37:30In fact, where you're sat
37:32That's where her waste baggage was for a urine
37:35And, uh, another glass of wine, Brenda
37:39I don't need a glass of wine
37:41I need a barrel full stay here
37:43You're a bloody head case
37:45I'm off
37:46Is everything all right?
37:49No
37:50He's a bloody nutter
37:51The first day to the neighbour's house
37:54He's got chalk stuck on his face
37:57He's showing me photos of his dead wife
38:00They're M.O.T. certificate
38:01And in bloody soriety
38:03Well, go on, bugger off, then
38:04Don't worry
38:05I'm going
38:06Go on
38:07Shut off, you desperate old cow
38:08The whole lot of you are locking up
38:10I'm mistaken for this
38:12I'll put her on the maybe list, shall I?
38:20Have you got a
38:21Not a cat in hell's chance list, Joe?
38:23At least the ads are working
38:24Working?
38:25One of them looked as though she'd ate her last days
38:27One of them had bigger balls than me
38:29And the other one had no teeth
38:30She was half an hour sucking on a bread roll
38:32The first time I've seen Barbara liquidise a bloody chop
38:35I'm not doing too well, am I?
38:39Oh, let's not give up, Joe
38:40If anyone deserves a vacant lady, it's you
38:44Maybe he's just not meant to be
38:47Ah, come on, Joe, lad
38:48Don't be like that
38:49Where's the old dumb cake spirit?
38:52I know
38:53We need to raise our game
38:55We need to change our tactics
38:57This calls for military precision
38:59We need to bring out the big guns
39:03So, gather round, comrades
39:06We need to do this
39:18We need to do this
40:48How do you pronounce your name?
40:52Philomena.
40:53How do you pronounce yours?
40:55Joe.
40:55Joe.
40:56Hmm?
40:56Oh, it rolls off the tongue.
41:08Your teeth look very realistic, Philomena.
41:11Thank you, Joe.
41:13Top and bottom palate, is it?
41:14Yes.
41:15Yeah, yeah.
41:17Very realistic.
41:27Hello, Philomena.
41:29Would you like a triangle of bread?
41:32Oh, how lovely.
41:34I love triangles.
41:36I love anything triangular.
41:39Aren't Philomena's teeth realistic, Jim?
41:42Why don't you pass them round, Joe?
41:43We can all have a look.
41:48Help yourself to the Regi-Regi sauce, Philomena.
41:51Enjoy.
41:52Have you any hobbits, Philomena?
42:13Hobbits?
42:14Oh, no, no.
42:15Have you any hobbies, Philomena?
42:17Let me have a little think about that.
42:21Hold on.
42:23Hobbies.
42:27No.
42:28What about you, Joe?
42:30No.
42:31Oh, we've got so much in common.
42:33Yes.
42:38Oh, have you any general chit-chat for the pastry?
42:41Well, yes, I did have a little general chit-chat.
42:43But I used it up on the bus on the way here.
42:46Oh, that's a shame.
42:47I could have joined in.
42:53Oh, what star sign are you, Philly or Fish?
42:56I'm a Libra.
42:57A Libra?
42:59Well, what a coincidence.
43:02My wife, Mary, she's dead at the moment.
43:05She was a Libra.
43:06My late husband was a leprechaun.
43:08A leprechaun?
43:10What a little fellow with ginger hair.
43:12Oh, no, no, sorry.
43:13I meant Capricorn.
43:15He's dead at the moment, too.
43:17He expired very suddenly.
43:18Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Philadelphia.
43:22And how did he die?
43:23He was a scaffolder.
43:25He fell off a roof.
43:27Four stories up, he was.
43:28Oh, dear me.
43:30He was a big fan of, er...
43:33Alcohol.
43:35So he didn't feel a thing.
43:36He was drunk as a lord, thank God.
43:38He was afraid of height, you see.
43:40So he needed a skinful to get up there.
43:43Vernon was his name.
43:45Not Vertigo Vernon, the scaffolder.
43:47Yes, that's him.
43:49Did you know him?
43:50Well, he used to go into feathers, didn't he?
43:53Only when he was alive.
43:54Would you like something from the cheese board, Philomena?
44:06We've got Dairy Lee, cheese strings, squeezy primula,
44:10and a few craft cheese slices.
44:13Oh.
44:14Someone's had a nibble of that one.
44:16But it'll only be one of us.
44:18Have you got any stilton, Barbara?
44:21Oh, no.
44:22Oh, I'm sorry.
44:24Er, would you like a bite of Dairy Lee
44:27and the smell of Jim's socks?
44:29Ah!
44:36I'll pop a little Dairy Lee there.
44:39Thank you very much.
44:42Would you like another glass of Lambrosco
44:44to go with your Dairy Lee for the beer?
44:46Yes, please, Charlie.
44:47Oh.
44:52Well, here's to a lovely first date.
44:57The first of many, I hope.
44:59The first of many, I'm sure.
45:02To you.
45:03No.
45:04To you.
45:06Here's to both of us.
45:07They're getting on like a hell's on fire.
45:15I hope it lasts.
45:17So do I.
45:17It's cost me two dozen bloody chops up to now.
45:22Hey, Dad.
45:23Your plan's whipped.
45:25I love it when a plan comes together.
45:27Oh.
45:27Well done, team.
45:29All for one.
45:30And one for all.
45:34Listen, listen, sir.
45:36Listen.
45:38He's singing to us.
45:40Oh.
45:41Save your love, my darling.
45:44Save your love.
45:45A serenade, I long to sing you.
45:56Reddish rose, I always bring you.
46:00Save your love for Roma and for me.
46:05Carly, I will love you endlessly.
46:08Even though you're far away from me.
46:16I can't forget the words I told you.
46:20How it's up to love and hope you love.
46:24My cares will last eternally.
46:29Save your love, my darling.
46:32Save your love.
46:34For summer nights, with moon and stars above.
46:40A serenade, I long to sing you.
46:44The reddish rose, I always bring you.
46:48Save your love for Roma and for me.
46:53Save your love, my darling.
46:55Save your love.
46:58For summer nights, with moon and stars above.
47:04A serenade, I long to sing you.
47:08The reddish rose, I always bring you.
47:12Save your love for Roma and for me.
47:17Save your love, my darling.
47:19Hey!
47:19Hey!
47:20Where are you going?
47:21This is not your bloody house.
47:23Put it down, you dirty old son.
47:24Do you think you're Bone Sgt.
47:29A serenade, I long to sing you.
47:34How ein relativier politician, how we could have you?
47:41And this is not your last day.
47:46Love you all, true and save you.
47:51oh sorry mate
47:58there she is
48:03my little christmas cracker
48:06that i haven't pulled for a while
48:08hey jim
48:15got a nice little bit of batter for you off my fish pad
48:22i'll batter you in a minute
48:24oh don't you worry
48:25i've had my tea
48:28and peeled the sprouts and the potatoes for tomorrow
48:31and stuffed the turkey
48:33while you've been out getting drunk
48:35god it's the same
48:37every christmas eve
48:38you leave me to do everything
48:40and not this year though
48:43hey i've got two lovely christmas puddings
48:51and when i told the lads what i was gonna do
48:55they all started taking the mickey out of me
48:58they said oh come on jimbo lad
49:00you're far too generous
49:02but i said oh no
49:04every christmas my barber sorts everything out
49:07she does everything for everybody
49:09but this year
49:11i want to make
49:14a contribution
49:15so i said
49:17i will
49:18i will buy a raffle ticket
49:21so you won them then did you
49:24yeah but i won them for you barb didn't i
49:28i thought you were only nipping into the precinct
49:30well i went to the precinct
49:32and i just called in for a quick one
49:34on the way home
49:35a quick one
49:37and you've got this bladded
49:39i'm not bladded barb
49:40i'm just a tit-pipsy
49:41get to bed jim
49:43oh
49:43am i gonna promise barb
49:46it's little jim getting his christmas present
49:49early this year
49:50eh
49:50come on barb
49:53you know i've got no problems
49:54in the downstairs department
49:56oh
49:57as they call it in the feathers now
50:00dave troopsies
50:01hey jim
50:10you know that scratch card i found down the back of the sofa
50:16you didn't win anything on it did you
50:19no not a bloody sausage
50:21scratch card
50:22be better off scratching my ass
50:25to apt and friends
50:38apt and friends
50:40oh before i forget
50:44thank you for me christmas present barb
50:46oh you're welcome joe
50:48that's just what i wanted
50:49a drill
50:50very thoughtful
50:51it's just like me old
50:54oh you've even put my initials on it
50:56yeah
50:56you couldn't lend it me could you
50:58i don't know about that carol
51:00the last time i let me drill out to someone
51:02i never got it back
51:03well said joe
51:04oh
51:05thank you for my present too barbara
51:07oh
51:07a full pack of polos
51:09it's just what i wanted
51:11you couldn't lend us a pack could you
51:13bloody hell carol
51:14and anyway barb
51:14what was you buying polo mints for
51:16they're the same price as other bloody mints aren't they
51:18only you're getting less mint for your bloody money
51:20i know
51:21you're paying for the hole aren't you
51:23yeah that's daft
51:24where else would you pay for the hole
51:27oh i know dave
51:29jim
51:30i like the hole
51:32it makes a nice little break from a full mint
51:35i'd buy a full packet of holes if i could
51:38oh
51:40philomena
51:41have you met joe's daughter cheryl yet
51:44no not yet
51:45i've met her fridge freezer though
51:48oh
51:48it's beautiful
51:50yeah
51:50yeah
51:51yeah
51:51it is yeah
51:52she got a boyfriend yet yet you're cheryl
51:54hmm
51:54no she's in the process of becoming a lesbian
51:58oh come on joe
52:01a lesbian
52:02jim
52:04i think she'll make a great lesbian cheryl
52:07yeah
52:08so do i
52:09oh she's taken down all her posters of philip schofield and replaced them with claire balding
52:14oh
52:15we haven't got a lesbian on this street
52:18no
52:19oh we're starting to get a few now in ireland
52:22they go on buses
52:23they go to restaurants
52:24my friend finola
52:26she saw one lending a book
52:28out of the library
52:30oh
52:31we're very forward thinking in ireland
52:34yeah
52:34anyway
52:36now for the main event
52:38jim's christmas puddings
52:40you are in safe hands folks
52:45because captain jim
52:46is up to hell
52:47hey
52:48good old jim ball
52:52oh isn't he marvellous
52:54oh that's not the word i'd use
52:57he's acting as if he made those puddings
52:59he won them in a bloody raffle
53:02here we go then
53:04cough a load of them little beauties
53:07david
53:08that's happening back the old
53:10mamma reese
53:11mamma reese
53:13how old are you jim
53:16you're never too old
53:18hey
53:19i've always been a sucker for mamma reese
53:21are you loving that day
53:23hey you should have seen beverly macker in the feds last night
53:27she had a top on
53:29but the boobs
53:30were more out
53:31than they were in
53:32when she went down for the cribs
53:34you could see the lot
53:35well it goes to stampede at the bar
53:38they ran out of cheese and onions
53:39salt vinegar
53:40and smoky bacon
53:42oh hey dave i'll tell you what i'll do with you
53:45that beverly macker
53:47she's got the best knockers in manchester
53:49bar none
53:51they've got a wobble
53:52all of their own
53:54oh hey you know the day that she won that miss wet t-shirt contest
53:58that was the best day of my life
54:01aren't beverly mackers the best knockers in manchester dave
54:05dave
54:06dave
54:07dave
54:09denise
54:11denise
54:12it's happening
54:14oh er excuse me everybody
54:17me and dave have got to go
54:18oh dave
54:20you all know
54:31you raise me up
54:37so i can stand on mountain
54:40you raise me up
54:44to walk on stormy seas
54:47i knew it would happen
54:52i lit a candle for it on thursday
54:54oh
54:55something good always comes up at christmas don't it
54:58yeah
54:59oh
55:01it's gone again
55:03oh dave
55:05no
55:06it wasn't that big anyway
55:08i'm sorry everyone
55:10oh dave
55:10sorry
55:11oh never mind dave
55:13it might pop up for new year
55:16bloody hell dave
55:18what a bloody letdown
55:20if anyone's a letdown
55:21it's you
55:22i'll tell you who'd sort that out for you
55:24no problem
55:24beverly macker
55:26dad
55:27she could get her eyes off a bloody corpse that girl
55:29jim will you stop going on about beverly macker's boobs in front of denise
55:34it's very rude
55:35thank you man
55:37they are nice though barbara
55:39thank you joe
55:41and now
55:42the moment we've all been waiting for
55:45the carving
55:46of jim's
55:47christmas
55:48pudding
55:49yay
55:50and the first piece goes to my lovely lovely wife
55:57barbara
55:58that's that over day
56:00ah yes
56:01tuck in everyone
56:02come on
56:03let's all enjoy the highlight of the day
56:06yay
56:06oh the highlight of the day
56:08i've been up this morning since seven o'clock
56:10i've cleaned the house
56:12i've set the table
56:13i've cooked the dinner
56:15while you
56:16have been in bed
56:17nursing a bloody hangover
56:19i only had a few drinks barb
56:22and where did you get the money from for those few drinks jim
56:27i told you
56:28the lads paid for them
56:31you're a liar jim
56:33i know where you got that money from
56:37you have had a hundred pounds in your back pocket
56:43which you won on a scratch card and you kept hidden from your own wife
56:50no
57:06or
57:07What is it, Ma?
57:22Is it your ring?
57:30No, it's a new one.
57:35Do you like it, Bob?
57:36It's beautiful, Jim.
57:47Allow me.
57:56Thanks, Jim.
57:57Happy Christmas, Bob.
58:00Happy Christmas, Jim.
58:03Happy Christmas, everybody!
58:05Happy Christmas, everybody!
58:12So what do you say?
58:16You can't give me the dreams of mine anyway.
58:21You're half the world away.
58:25Half the world away.
58:29Half the world away.
58:31I've been lost, I've been found, but I don't feel bad
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