- 5 months ago
ENTERTAINMENT
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:01The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.
00:10I was wondering if we were out of the chat today.
00:12That's your promotion.
00:13Ian, why are you here?
00:14I set up camp over by the Shagpars.
00:16It's Fight Club.
00:17Sorry Ian!
00:18Hundred days, my shalzy wig.
00:20Expensive things, Weddage.
00:21You meant all the amount people spend nowadays.
00:23About your suspension, probably a lot of stuff did go missing.
00:26Do you not fancy me anymore?
00:28Glenn!
00:29That man's been a naughty boy, ain't that?
00:31It's him, Ron.
00:32We're gonna have to find this brother of his.
00:33Why are you here?
00:34It's really frickin' bad.
00:36I'll see you the same time tomorrow for your next reading, yeah?
00:39Love and light from me to you.
00:42Cosmic Sue, 72.
00:47Right.
00:49What do you want?
00:50Please, Sue, I just wanna talk to her.
00:52Glenn, I ain't seen her that upset since year 10,
00:54when she found out that Darren Palmer was only going out with her
00:57because we had a sky dish.
00:58But what I want is to say, it's a no from me.
01:00Christ Sue!
01:01I'm sorry, I just...
01:02I haven't really slept.
01:04I just need to see her.
01:06To explain to her that...
01:08What the fuck were you up to last night, eh?
01:15Nothing.
01:16I'll tell her you swung by.
01:25Kirstie!
01:26Get out of it!
01:27Kirstie!
01:28Kirstie!
01:29No, not pass!
01:30Please, Kirst!
01:31Let me explain!
01:32Go away, Glenn!
01:33I'm not talking to you!
01:34I told ya!
01:35You ran off, Glenn!
01:36You disappeared!
01:37Lee made me!
01:38Oh, yeah!
01:39Bloody Lee!
01:40Sod off!
01:45Get out of it!
01:46Alright, yeah, yeah!
01:47My love, see you later!
01:48Dance class, yeah?
01:49Maybe!
01:50Have a good day at work!
01:51And you!
01:52Don't!
01:54Alright, Sue!
01:55This!
01:56Sue, wait!
01:57Listen, just give her this, yeah?
01:59For her lunch break.
02:00I've done her favourite.
02:01What if?
02:03Sue, Sue!
02:06Fuck!
02:20Well?
02:21Try and talk to me.
02:22So, you know, thanks for that.
02:24I was trying to help you, you're prone.
02:26I didn't know she was upstairs waiting to get...
02:28Yeah, it don't matter now, because you aren't even fucking Sue.
02:30I think so.
02:31I know you're fucking sticking up my upholstery with your bloody...
02:33Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi!
02:35Stress of the D'Urbervilles?
02:37Chill out.
02:39You'll think there's something to win her over.
02:41What is this, anyway?
02:45It smells like Nan's.
02:47This one is Power of a Woman by Eternal.
02:54Alright, love.
02:55Bit sad.
02:56I'll get it.
02:57Men.
02:58Men.
02:59I see Glenn still don't know you're a jobless one, though.
03:02Let's me and you have a chill out day.
03:04Bargain hunts on in a bit.
03:05I think I might go into town.
03:07Oh.
03:08Alright, I'll do my errand.
03:09On my own.
03:11I see.
03:13Well, at least have your breakfast.
03:15Seems I've gone to the trouble of making it.
03:16No, I'm alright, thanks.
03:18Oh.
03:19I'm grateful, Kaya.
03:21I need you to talk me through this one more time.
03:23Your situation.
03:24For fuck's sake.
03:25I've told you.
03:26I borrowed some money off some naughty people.
03:28Alright, I gotta lie low for a bit.
03:29It's nothing.
03:30How is that nothing?
03:31Hey?
03:32Fuck!
03:33Hmm.
03:34I'll tell you what.
03:35I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
03:36I'm gonna get out of your hair and I'm gonna go and find a hotel or something.
03:39Well, no.
03:40No, you can't go anywhere.
03:41It's not safe.
03:42These blokes, who were looking for you, right, they don't know where I live.
03:45So, they have to stay at mine.
03:46That's fine, but we need a plan.
03:47So, tonight, when I come home from work, we'll think of something.
03:57Like Mum used to say, remember?
03:59When your head is in a spin, take a mint and pop it in.
04:05Do you want Mum?
04:07Thanks, come here.
04:09Oh, shit.
04:10What if someone comes from me looking for you?
04:12One of these men?
04:14You'd be sweet.
04:16You've just got to keep your eyes open, alright, for geezers driving about in black tap motors with tattoos on their faces and shooters, okay?
04:22So...
04:24What?
04:25You know, they, er...
04:26Joke!
04:27I've never done that!
04:28I can't even have a laugh!
04:29Christ!
04:30You're gonna be fine!
04:32Anyone ask you anything?
04:33Yeah?
04:34You just say,
04:35I ain't seen him in years.
04:37Right.
04:38I ain't seen him in years?
04:40I ain't seen him in years!
04:42Excuse me, I'm looking for you-
04:43I ain't seen him in years!
04:45Your laminates!
04:47Sorry.
04:48Um...
04:49It's back that way.
04:51Hello, Glen!
04:52Ian?
04:53Where's your trousers?
04:54They're gone.
04:55What?
04:56Yes, I'm saying.
04:57Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
05:02Hello, Glenn.
05:12Ian, where's your trousers?
05:16They're gone.
05:32I am not the Ian who once knew Glenn.
05:42But I see it now.
05:45Lee showed me.
05:47None of this matters.
05:49Boom!
05:51See?
05:52No consequences.
05:54Because the truth is Glenn.
05:57Everything is completely meaningless.
06:02Okay, all right, all right.
06:03I don't need any of this.
06:05I will fucking quit.
06:06Ian, please don't do that, no, no.
06:08You just want your little promotion, eh?
06:11Well, tough tits, big boy.
06:15I'm off, baby.
06:18I'm out of here for good.
06:20Just as soon as I can find my trousers.
06:24Find mine.
06:28Find him.
06:32Ian.
06:35Hmm.
06:38Hmm.
06:38Hmm.
06:39Hmm.
06:43Hmm.
06:44Hmm.
06:44Hmm.
06:47Yo, Glenn!
06:49Hmm.
06:50Mate.
06:52You can do better than that.
06:54What?
06:54Hmm.
06:55Oh.
06:55I should...
06:56No, no, no.
06:56I should...
06:57Dasha, have some of this. It's what rappers drink.
07:00Er, I'm good, thanks, Ian, cos it's haram.
07:03Also, it's at half nine in the morning.
07:05Aye, sir. Aye, sir.
07:07We need to keep him here. And sober him up.
07:10Chris Tarrant.
07:11Right. What about him, eh?
07:13Right, you'll have to go up front.
07:15What? Why?
07:16Cos there's these two fuckers asking for the manager, innit?
07:18Scary cunts. I'll deal with him.
07:21It's Sir Trevor McDonald to you!
07:24All right, Glenn. If shit gets nasty, can I fuck him up or what?
07:43How's that for you?
07:45Er, yeah, looks great, thank you.
07:47Lovely. My auntie Janet wore that to Alba Voyage.
07:50Can Linda please come to the launderweight department?
08:04Hi there. How can I...
08:09Help.
08:10Glenn Campbell.
08:13How do you know my...
08:15Oh, it's...
08:16It's on my...
08:16Batch.
08:19Glenn Campbell.
08:20Like country singer.
08:21Ha, yeah, yeah, uh...
08:23Ryan Stone Cowboy.
08:24Yeah, our mum was a big, uh, country music fan, so...
08:27And your brother?
08:29So naughty people.
08:31You say our mum.
08:32Your brother, what's his name?
08:37It's Johnny Cash.
08:38Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
08:40Who's got through far?
08:42Nah.
08:43Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
08:44It's just, um...
08:45No, no, no, no, I don't, I don't, I don't have a brother.
08:47It's me and my sister, Dolly Barton.
08:53Oh, you are a funny guy.
08:54I do, yes.
08:55Well, trying to be.
08:56Yeah.
08:59With tattoos on their faces.
09:01What?
09:06Nothing.
09:07No, no, no, no, you see, um...
09:09You have lovely eyes.
09:13You know, I think we will get along very well.
09:18Yes?
09:19I need Lee.
09:20Where's Lee?
09:21You can't go.
09:22I can't go.
09:23Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just gonna go.
09:25It's okay.
09:31It's all right, I'll come now.
09:45There's only one woman here trying on that horrible secret thing.
09:57What did I say, bitch?
09:58Don't try me!
10:00This prick's had a second wind!
10:01Lee!
10:02Who's he talking about, anyway?
10:04All right, it's about my brother.
10:06He's staying with me, he's in a little bit of trouble,
10:08but I think those men outside are looking for him.
10:10Don't tell anyone, all right?
10:11What?
10:13We need to call Sheila.
10:14We need to call his wife.
10:14Have you got her number, though?
10:18Fuck!
10:20Give me the fucking...
10:20No!
10:21Get me!
10:22Get a tape, Marsha!
10:24Give me the fucking tape!
10:29I will...
10:32Is that you?
10:35I did...
10:36Did it kiss her?
10:46Oh!
10:47Is there someone you want to call?
10:48For your sake!
10:54Hold him still, ma! We'll stop with you!
10:58Got it! Suck it, bruv! Suck your mum!
11:03Right, you call Sheila. I'm gonna go and deal with these blokes.
11:05Bro, bro, you got this, bro.
11:09Spud me then, dickhead!
11:18It comes at you day to day. The way you've been talking suggests that there's quite a lot of, kind of, high-stress situations that you have to deal with.
11:26Yes, the stresses of my life make it hard to get some peace.
11:30Our minds are constantly whirring, but I do know that there's always one thing that I can count on to bring me some relief.
11:41Get up, man! I want you to feel that!
11:45You see, I want you to feel the tempo!
11:51So, just listen to me, baby!
11:55Can't stop me now.
11:57Hear what I say.
11:59My feet are watching me, so just get out of my way.
12:03I'm gonna have my seat.
12:05I'm gonna introduce a dance.
12:07I'm gonna dance, dance, dance.
12:10Ooh, if you make a chance.
12:11Shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame.
12:15Oh, shame on you.
12:18If you can't dance through.
12:20I said shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame.
12:24Shame on you.
12:26If you can't dance through.
12:29Don't shock the ocean.
12:31It's against the ocean.
12:32You can't stop the group.
12:34Oh, but you just won't move.
12:37Got my salmon down.
12:39Got my salmon in the back.
12:41Pull off your shirt and wheel around me.
12:43And if you're gonna do your thing.
12:45Shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame.
12:49Oh, shame on you.
12:50Oh, shame on you.
12:54He's here.
12:55Your fiancé.
13:09What, my darling?
13:10What, my darling?
13:11What, my darling?
13:17So tell me, Glen Campbell.
13:20Do you live around here?
13:22No, no, no.
13:23Far, very, very far.
13:25Really?
13:28So, let's take a look at the fabrications.
13:33I think you know we're not only here for carpet, Glen.
13:35We're looking for someone, Glen.
13:38You understand?
13:39Here.
13:43Tell you what.
13:45I might just pop and get the very big sample book.
13:49So, if you just bear with me for a moment.
13:52Today.
13:53Come back soon.
13:55We will wait.
14:02Fuck.
14:04What?
14:05What is it?
14:06Fuck.
14:07Fuck.
14:08Oh.
14:09Fuck.
14:10Pick up.
14:11Fucking pick up, Lee.
14:12What?
14:13Is he here?
14:14I don't know what to do.
14:16I don't know what to do.
14:17Glenn.
14:18Hang up the phone, Glen.
14:21You do know what to do, Glen.
14:23Lee showed us.
14:25We're men, Glen.
14:28We don't run from our problems.
14:32Lee helped us last night.
14:34Now it's time.
14:35We helped him.
14:37Just think.
14:38What would Lee do?
14:39She's being detained for questioning.
14:40After that, I'll call the police.
14:41Not really being detained though, is it?
14:42Because there's a little trickle outside waiting to come in and get her sandwiches.
14:43It's all right.
14:44Sorry.
14:45Won't be a minute.
14:47What have you gone for?
14:48A nice bit of hand?
14:49Yeah.
14:50Thanks.
14:51Fine.
14:52We'll skip straight to calling the police.
14:53Good.
14:54Can we do that, please?
14:55And do me a favour while you're at it.
14:56Tell them to bang her up for a very, very long time.
14:57What?
14:58What?
14:59I've had enough, cursed.
15:00I've had enough of this, all right?
15:02You're not well.
15:03If this is to kick up the bollocks you need, then so be it.
15:05No, I...
15:06No, no, no.
15:07Just because you're doing it for charity doesn't mean that's okay.
15:08Oh.
15:09Oh.
15:10Oh.
15:11Oh.
15:12Oh.
15:13Oh.
15:14Oh.
15:15What?
15:16Oh.
15:17Oh.
15:18Oh.
15:19Oh.
15:20Oh.
15:21Oh.
15:22Oh.
15:23Oh.
15:24Oh.
15:25Oh.
15:26yeah yeah yeah you're right we started off really small uh the ice bucket challenge then we had
15:35what was it the couch to 5k and then she started to get a real taste for it then we went on to the
15:39tsunami relief then we had the syrian help for heroes we had the help for heroes honestly if
15:44you hadn't have stopped her see this this would be straight on ebay all the money going straight
15:48to fucking autism awareness is that right yeah i just don't i really i just care a lot like
15:56too much she does yeah i can't help her she can't and i you know i just i've got i've got a big heart
16:02see and just ain't nobody gonna change that so just um just get it done call them because she
16:10needs to learn to stop being so fucking generous yeah honestly i feel sort of insulted that you
16:24thought that would work i mean you're a white woman in a tea dress the worst you're gonna
16:31get is a caution you know what just piss off and take your eyelashes with you
16:36i'm sorry we don't have a thousand store that'll be suitable for you so i'm afraid you might be
16:54the best going elsewhere come glenn we go blago is getting impatient
17:06yeah you want to do this yeah let's just do it you're gonna fuck me up yeah just
17:10fuck me up sure i won't go down without a fight
17:13you can do what you want to me but i swear i'm never gonna show you where i live
17:26okay no problem we host sorry yeah sure we host i'm sorry i'm not quite sure what you
17:34okay okay look two tops looking for a bottom casual hookups no strings i enjoy
17:45nipple play yeah me not so much you oh i'm sorry i'm i'm not i don't
17:54i'm sorry sorry so you're you're not interested in my brother um is he cute
18:09you know what are you doing hello sheila
18:17i'm so sorry about this ian love where are your trousers no
18:29i'm sorry so you and ian separated yes it's been six months but i don't think it's sunk in for him
18:36just yet
18:37i'm sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry you did you did say didn't you you know about the promotion and
18:48there is no promotion glenn what i just one time it slipped out well you'll be due a promotion
18:56and then you just kept bringing it up no no no no ian ian come on no no no it's not ian ian ian
19:11i think i finally get it what people mean when they say job satisfaction when you was like restrain
19:16and fuck him up and i was like bitch oh best day why are you being like this bro why are you killing
19:26my vibe am i going to kirsty no we've planned our wedding around the promotion don't even exist i'm
19:33i'm a idiot mate i didn't even know you was getting married you see this is your problem
19:38you keep your locked down i'll sort it pardon pardon honestly you crack me up you're like
19:47mr bean or something i'll sort it just like i sorted brian well my family own this place remember
19:56i told my dad that brian showed me his dick in the stock overflow area and now he don't work
20:02here no more so i'll get dad to make you manager while ian's away and you'll get paid like double
20:07or something you're joking i said oh my god are you sure i've got to kirsty she's gonna be um
20:19right to what as temporary interim acting manager my first executive order is
20:28we're closing early yeah in fact no i'll tell you what you're closing early aisha because i
20:33i've got a fiance to win back yes glenn go off short king pardon this bloody guy honestly he cracks me up
20:45oh soz mate closing early honestly it's been a mad one glenn yeah the one that just left he's got this
20:52brother who's staying with him right fucking trouble do you know what i'm saying i only called you because
21:01yeah so there's no need to tell no god no
21:10and actually
21:13i had it all under control before
21:21because it was only meant to be like little things like i don't know like mascara or whatever
21:28but just
21:36oh god now i got barbecue sauce on my top
21:43yeah thank you
21:48lee
21:48do you ever feel like you're just like
21:57the worst person in the world
22:05you try you really try but you just
22:09you just
22:17you
22:19you
22:21you
22:27you
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