- 6 months ago
ENTERTAINMENT
Category
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FunTranscript
00:00i hate corn oh honey come on just try a bite but i hate it come on honey corn is fun watch
00:19what are you doing i'm pretending i'm a typewriter
00:25what's a typewriter
00:26well it's uh like an old-fashioned computer yeah oh i still hate corn
00:34honey let me know you sound like a broken record what's a record
00:56and don't let ruby run around the park too much or she'll get overheated i got it okay and these are
01:00antiseptic wipes band-aids and here's sunscreen okay and where's the plastic bubble you keep ruby in
01:08okay you know what three kids no kids enough said oh really okay stretch marks no stretch marks enough
01:16said hey sweetie you ready to go yeah all right hey this is not over no but that hairdo is
01:28hey back at three oh you are the greatest thanks honey bye
01:32you know you never see an anvil in real life
01:42well look how dangerous they are
01:46hey honey i was thinking mother's day is only a week away have you got me anything yet
01:49jim yeah yeah i'll clean up after this
01:58hey oh come on hey have you got me anything for mother's day hey don't worry i always get you
02:04something i always come through i mean what about the lingerie i got you last year from the gas station
02:09all right anyway i know what i want this what's this it's a pedometer it counts your step just hook
02:17it onto your belt and walk all right but when i give it to you next week i have a surprise
02:23no it's for you what you know how the doctor said you need to get more exercise the gift i want
02:28for mother's day is for you to walk more sure i am in the construction industry i am in great shape
02:33oh sweetie what shape is that a circle
02:41it's only 80 000 steps that's just 10 000 steps a day till mother's day how far is 10 000 steps about
02:48five miles five miles a day yeah the girls glue macaroni on a piece of paper you get all weepy and
02:56i gotta walk 40 miles honey i love you i want you to be around a long long time i know but fine
03:04on sweetie for me for mother's day come on come on all right all right all right but just for the
03:10record you are not my mother who is stupid enough to sell that much dynamite to a coyote
03:27haven't you been watching a pig
03:34miss mary mack mack mack all dressed in black black black with silver bun bun bun bun bun
03:39i'll down her can we go play on the monkey bars oh sweetie i'd love to but these pants are dry clean
03:44only oh let's see what happened oh honey it's okay it's just a scrape hey you know if you need some
03:53band-aids i got some in my bag oh thank you i think we're okay oh daddy jordan is getting in my
04:00blood okay help yes please oh look at that ouch huh there you go you want to play oh i can't sweetie i'm
04:10helping oh you're gonna hurt oh you got your pants dirty oh these these are old rags well thanks for
04:18helping me out there i'm michael dana little girls can be so dramatic trust me we can be dramatic at
04:24any age wow that is some fancy nail polish you have on oh thank you my daughter picked it out
04:32i would have gone with something a little more vibrant at the park never you don't want to look
04:36cheap actually i uh forgot to take it off before i left the house i'm sure your husband's done the
04:43same thing oh i'm not married really boyfriend nope me neither i mean girlfriend see i'm still getting
04:52used to being single again oh don't worry it gets a lot harder yeah it's rough out there and you know
04:58i i can't even think about dating someone that doesn't have kids you know they just don't know what
05:02we go through you know i should i should probably tell you that i am what that uh i'm with you 100
05:14because i'm a single parent you know with a kid who's single that's great oh shoot i gotta get olivia
05:23back to her mom's olivia you know uh we're here every day after work so um maybe we'll see you
05:32again okay like tomorrow or well that would be one of the every days all right all right i'll see you
05:40tomorrow michael help help i can't get down i'm a mom
06:01feel a burn jim yeah am i supposed to be feeling it in my chest that was my high school football
06:08coach you say no pain no game you were in the band yeah but they practice right next to us
06:16how am i doing wow we've been walking for an hour you got 4 322 steps
06:23except for that's a four day total damn
06:31how many was that none you gotta be wearing it
06:34oh forget it andy what just forget it oh okay is this how we're gonna play it huh
06:41no i don't want to do it what's next i'll leave the family no
06:44come on come on don't give up on your family come on i'm not giving up don't give up
06:48don't make this about them oh let's do something oh i can get to the point
06:52i can't do it
07:03hey that was 10 steps
07:04oh good you're back the girls are upstairs playing and i'm gonna take kyle the pediatrician
07:12for his checkup okay let me see how many steps you've done no no no no no but you can take a guess
07:20well okay four days 10 000 steps a day 40 000 steps
07:27you're way off
07:30you're lying no he's not
07:36honey i'm so proud of you oh well remember that feeling get used to it
07:42oh bye jim
07:48eye contact you have to have eye contact before you throw stuff to people
07:55what am i supposed to do now she's expecting 80 000 steps by mother's day
08:00hey do you think she'd believe i watched so much of this rolled over to zero
08:05what you need is inspiration hi yeah hey um your yoga classes are women only right yoga
08:11hey hey great great we're gonna be walking by your window in about a half hour how's the herd looking
08:16today oh please if you could trace this call you would have caught me years ago
08:29hey hey is that my shirt
08:31you want it back
08:42cheryl here no no how about ruby now she's upstairs playing with gracie oh okay
08:52you know what i think i might take her to the park oh why don't you take both of them to the park
08:55eh i don't wanna
08:59then why not jim come on they're not conjoined twins let them breathe
09:04whoa wait a minute what what's going on nothing i'll have ruby back in a couple hours
09:11hold on right there now this is the third time this week you've taken only ruby to the park
09:19now you're stealing ruby's artwork i don't know what's going on here but if you're making a buck i want
09:24my cut jim i am not doing anything mm-hmm spill baby okay ruby stays with me
09:36fine what's up there's this single father at the park that i really like and he kind of assumed that
09:51ruby was my daughter and so she is so you have deliberately deceived someone for your own selfish
10:00reasons i respect that please don't tell cheryl i just i can't stand to hear her speech about
10:09being the real you you know it's like the push-up bra conversation all over again
10:15that's interesting you want something from me and i want something from you what
10:22do you want me to do your walking for you hey i'm sparing you the pain of childbirth
10:30jim this is all you've done glaciers move faster than this
10:35dance monkey dance
10:36okay three o'clock class let's move
10:50come on sweetie we gotta go no no ruby's at the park with dana what just tumbling class
11:09since when only the last two years any good no
11:18well there's 25 down the drain 25 for a tumbling class and i can't get the good baloney
11:26no no no she's not missing that class i'm gonna go get her
11:29what happened to the window oh um uh gracie did it
11:51jim what are you doing here i'm here to take ruby she's got tumbling
11:54no no no michael's not here yet she can miss a lesson not for 25 bucks a class
11:58jim come on this is not like school where you can take him out for free
12:04that's my girl come on we gotta go to tumbling club this isn't fair we had a deal dina i want
12:08my kid no i want my kid everything okay hi michael yeah yeah everything's fine um ruby go
12:16phone with olivia what what what so this is the famous ex
12:19i thought he was still in prison what uh michael can you just give us a second are you sure yeah
12:32okay if there's any trouble i'm stepping in even though he figured me and looks like a biter
12:38hey i've been in prison buddy what the hell you been telling this guy had to be the bad guy in this
12:46divorce at least i said you never hit me sober geez dana couldn't you just say we married young
12:52and drifted apart i'm begging you don't blow this for me i really like this guy listen we're going on
12:58a date on sunday he's taking me to brunch at the fairmark then we're gonna go for a ride on the
13:01merry-go-round and i'm gonna tell him the whole truth then dana sunday is mother's day mother's day
13:09yes dana oh my god oh that's so sweet oh he wanted ruby and i to have a special day so we
13:19didn't have to spend it in our depressing government housing government housing well if you paid child
13:26support i was in prison you cannot have ruby on mother's day i have to have ruby on mother's day i'm
13:35her mother okay now you're getting really weird this is getting creepy wait wait hey hey easy
13:40didn't touch her we're fine amicable divorce we're fine you can't listen you let cheryl sleep in
13:50i sneak ruby out for a couple hours and then everybody wins everybody wins
13:57fine i'll give you the money for ruby's tumbling class that she missed
14:00what you think i'm in the business of renting my kids out
14:03a hundred bucks plus i'll throw in ten thousand extra steps well i'd be stupid not to think that
14:14what a jerk yeah i don't pay any attention to him hey sweetheart keep those legs moving i want ninety
14:22thousand by sunday
14:27he thinks i'm a little chunky
14:37okay okay now do you understand how we play this little game yeah it's mother's day so i call all
14:45the ladies mommy very good now remember if you do a good job with the game i'm going to give you a
14:52whole dollar can i get a lollipop too all right but it's going to come out of your dollar
15:00hi mommy oh perfect oh my god what is she wearing what that's fine jim i did not walk all night to
15:14have my daughter leave this house looking like a stolen car well why don't you just go wake up
15:19cheryl and have her change ruby she's awake what's going on oh my god cheryl cheryl oh you're gonna
15:27ruin the big mother's day surprise yes all right nobody come out now we're sticking with the original
15:35plan all right why is ruby dressed like this because mommy's taking me out to breakfast mommy
15:42okay so who wants to go first how about the one my daughter calls mommy wearing my husband's pedometer
16:02okay um okay cheryl you know how sometimes you meet a really cute guy and you lie about your age
16:08well that's all i did except i threw in a daughter oh except i told the truth about my
16:15age so points for me there you go all right why is she wearing your pedometer and why are you wearing
16:20my robe this is my robe well i think you answered your own question then jim what i did his walking
16:28for him in exchange for ruby i don't believe you that was just my mother's day gift well i got a hundred
16:34bucks too you rented our daughter well it's not like your high morals are bringing any money into
16:41our house i'm sorry cheryl i don't know what i was thinking oh dana sweetie but you don't have to lie
16:50when are you ever gonna learn that true love here we go okay the wise and perfect cheryl's gonna judge me
16:56again honey i'm not judging you and i wouldn't have to if you were afraid to be yourself cheryl you
17:03don't know what it's like you're not still single you have the luxury of being yourself because you're
17:07married beneath you
17:14no offense jim none taken i married up
17:20dana you gotta stop trying to be me okay if you keep trying to be cheryl you know what you're going to
17:25attract jim except no substitutes
17:33you know what i think i think you love it when i screw up because then you can get on your high
17:37horse and wag your little finger at me that's so not true you keep saying that me oh no that's a
17:44thing well you know what you won i lost you are right again yeah okay great well consider it my
17:55mother's day present to you eye contact everyone in your family throws things without eye contact
18:05well look at this wow she walked the whole 40 miles she walked 40 miles for this guy yeah you know he was
18:13a pretty good guy too you should have seen the way he stood up against her like jerk ex-husband
18:18what ex-husband me cheryl keep up keep up
18:34okay so who are you well um
18:38i'm neurotic i'm a little insecure um i'm told i snore i have a little bit of a shoe habit but it's
18:49under control mostly okay not at all oh and i'm unemployed well i i think you left out smart funny
19:02and beautiful well you didn't let me finish
19:10dana here's your little ruby hey she wanted to be with a real mom on mother's day i'm her stepmom
19:15try following that act cheryl you know i tried to bond her love with with gifts and toys but she would
19:20have none of it you raised her too well i told michael the truth oh oh
19:28but how was that because i did some acting in high school
19:34i'm cheryl dana's sister nice to meet you yeah you too well ruby why don't we go
19:42so uh jim's really your yeah but he's so i know and you're so thank you
19:54all right buddy show time
19:58what's andy doing with kyle would you stop renting our kids
20:07well it doesn't look like dana's in a fetal position so i guess everything's okay yeah
20:13are you okay yeah good all right well let's go home then the girls really want to make their
20:21jellybean omelet for mother's day for you oh jellybean omelet great let's go oh come on i'm kidding mom
20:32mom we'll have our table in a minute really yeah on uh one condition what that i walk home
20:40deal
20:45cheryl cheryl cheryl that's 10 miles don't you know an empty gesture when you hear one
20:50oh honey you don't have to walk anymore really no i bet you know an empty gesture when you hear one
20:59well i just want you to know for father's day i want a real present we'll stop at the gas station on the way home
21:15you
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21:24you
21:26you